All language subtitles for All in the Family - S02E24 - Maude

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ gee, our old
lasalle ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪♪

Come on, Edith.
We'll miss the bus.

Be there in a minute.
What's she doing up there?

Calm down, daddy.

Yeah, arch. Your bus
doesn't leave for an hour.

You got plenty of time.
What's the big rush?

The big rush is, it takes 40
minutes to get into Times Square.

It takes five minutes to
walk over to the bus terminal.

It takes another six
minutes to buy the tickets.

That leaves only four minutes for your
mother-in-law to go to the ladies room,

which she's always got to do.

That's why I never
wanna take her no place.

Edith, hurry up or
the ladies room is out!

Go on. Get her, will you?

For a guy who's been complaining
about this trip for the last three weeks,

you sure seem in a hurry to get
there. It'll be a cold day in hell...

When I'm in a hurry to
see Edith's cousin maude.

I just hate missing buses, that's
all. It started with me a long time ago.

One day Edith and me, we got
to get over to bayside hospital.

We missed the q-5 bus. Had to
wait 20 minutes to get another one.

I thought Edith was gonna give birth
to Gloria right there on the sidewalk.

When Edith was having Gloria, you
took her to the hospital on a bus?

That's right, meathead. The
subway don't run to bayside.

Come on, Edith. I'm
all packed, Archie.

Oh, my, it's gonna
be so exciting.

We'll be so busy.

There's the bridal
shower tonight,

and then tomorrow
is the bridal supper.

And, of course,
Saturday is the big day.

Wrong, Edith.
Sunday's the big day.

That's the day we
take the bus home.

If your cousin maude
says one wrong word to me,

we're gonna be leaving before
the bride takes the shower.

Daddy, her only
daughter's getting married.

Cousin maude will be in a good mood.
She'll welcome you with open arms.

I don't care what
she's got open,

as long as she's got
her big mouth closed.

Get everything here. Good-bye.

See you later, arch.
Bye, ma. Have a good time.

Oh, we will.

Maude was thrilled when
I told her we was coming.

Look, I don't want Archie
bunker here any more than you do.

I invited Edith
because I love her.

And everywhere Edith goes,
Archie goes. Like that vaudeville act.

There's the front end of the
horse and then there's Archie.

But, mother, inviting him
was such a rotten thing to do.

You never said a word
about the bunkers,

and the guest list was
made up six weeks ago.

Honey, if I had told you then, we would
have fought for a month and a half.

This way it's only a
one-hour brawl and I win.

But, mother, Archie could wreck
the whole wedding, and you know that.

And what's gonna happen when
he finds out that David is Jewish?

I can hear him now.

"Good night, nurse.
She's marrying a Jew."

Well, let him. David will
know how to handle it.

He'll spot Archie for
what he is right away.

Being Jewish he has that wonderful
sensitivity that I love so much.

It's a trait of theirs.

A trait of theirs?

Mother, will you
listen to yourself?

What you have just said is a
reverse anti-semitic cliche.

You can say that to me?

Why, just last month I
had a tree planted in Israel.

I happen to feel that
Jews are brilliant,

which is why I have a Jewish doctor and
a Jewish lawyer and a Jewish accountant.

You forgot to mention
your brilliant Jewish plumber.

Walter, please, your
daughter and I are fighting.

I have just been accused
of being anti-semitic.

I never said you
were anti-semitic.

You bet I'm not. I happen to be
a Hubert Humphrey democrat.

What does that mean?

It means she's
not anti-anything.

Carol, when the rosenblatts
moved in next door,

wasn't I the first one to
go over and welcome them?

And they have been constantly
in and out of this house ever since.

But you hate the rosenblatts.

Because they are constantly
in and out of this house.

I can't tell you how i'm
dreading this shower.

I don't know why you had to involve
me in a wedding in the first place.

David and I have this terrific
relationship going just as it is.

Why take a chance on messing
it up by getting married?

Honey, I know you're just upset because
I didn't tell you about the bunkers.

It's not just the bunkers.
It's this whole archaic ritual...

Of bridal showers and wedding
gifts and "thank you" notes.

Carol, I hate bridal
showers as much as you do,

but after the hundreds of gifts
that I've given through the years,

my daughter is
going to get hers.

Maude, you're a
crass materialist.

Right, and you're
going to profit by it.

Maude... Please, Walter,
we're still fighting.

Good. While you're hot, we got a little
problem with Mr. Dishwasher over here.

He wasn't able to fix the thing, but he
still wants 15 bucks for a house call.

You're kidding.

That's right, lady.
That's what I get.

Come over here. What's
your name, honey?

Marvin. Marvin. Listen, Marvin.

A lot of people might feel that charging
$15 for a house call is unreasonable,

and I'd like you to
count me among them.

Now, look, lady... quiet. I'll tell
you what we're going to do, Marvin.

I am going to give
you this money...

And you are going to leave
with this thought in mind.

"I have just made $2.00 for
doing absolutely nothing."

Two dollars? No need
to thank me, Marvin.

No need to thank me.
Now, let me see you smile.

Lady... that is a
sweet smile, Marvin.

If you had an upper
lip, you'd be gorgeous.

Look, lady... good-bye,
Marvin, and have a good life.

Maude, you're beautiful.
Thank you, darling.

You two are really
something else.

It's like mom's the police
dog and you're the trainer.

Anytime there's a
problem, it's "maude, sic 'em."

It's very simple, Carol.

I'm the firm, quiet, more
reserved type who guides.

Your mother, with her more dominant
than charming personality, is the killer.

That's the beauty of your
relationship. And that's your women's lib.

Hi, David. Hi, sweetheart.

I'll be with you in a minute, David.
I just wanna get your present.

That's why I stopped by. To tell you I
can't take you to the bachelor party.

Bernie's car broke down, so I have to
pick him up, which gives me a full car.

You know fat Bernie. But don't worry
about it. Tommy's gonna pick you up.

David, it is unlucky for the groom to
fondle the bride before the wedding.

Can I fondle the mother?

I'll fondle the father.
Oh, get out of here.

You superstitious? Yes, I am.

Have a nice shower. Have
a nice bachelor party.

Thank god he didn't see
you in that wedding dress.

I wanted to ask you
about that dress.

What? Don't you like it? It's fine, but
how come you're gonna wear white?

Because after the wedding,
I'm gonna sell good humors.

Walter, brides wear white.

It's a symbol of
purity and innocence.

And for what you're
thinking, bite your tongue.

I was just
wondering, that's all.

She was married before.
She has an eight-year-old son.

She's had a half dozen affairs.

So in all that heavy traffic, how
did she manage that tricky u-turn...

Back to purity and innocence?

God'll get you for that, Walter.

Walter, I'm wearing white because
mother insisted that I wear white.

If I had my own way, i'd
wear pink polka dots.

And as for that bit about
the bride being virginal...

While the groom can
be anything he wants...

Is just another example
of typical male chauvinism.

Oh, come on. And you
talk about women's lib.

Walter, I am shocked. How can
you talk to your daughter that way?

She's not my daughter. She's
your second husband's daughter,

a fact that really saddens me.

I'm standing here, slowly
going broke from this wedding...

While he's lying comfortably
at his grave free and clear.

You know perfectly well
that Chester was buried at sea.

On our honeymoon.

Maude, I like Carol.

It's just that at my age, I also
like a little peace and quiet,

and I've had neither since she
moved in here three years ago...

With that dumb kid of
hers. Phillip is not dumb.

I don't know who created the
fiction that every little kid is smart.

But it is a fiction. Phillip is
dumb, maude. He's a dumb kid.

Phillip is eight
years old, Walter.

You are 48, and already he
is twice as smart as you are.

For example, do you still intend
to give the groom this tonight?

Why not? It's perfect
for the occasion.

It is not perfect, Walter.
It is in rotten taste...

To give the groom a box of
nodoz for the wedding night.

Oh, Edith!

Oh, Carol!

Now, Archie,

I'm gonna give it to you straight
so there won't be any trouble.

Carol is marrying a
boy of the Jewish faith.

Good night, nurse.
She's marrying a Jew.

What did I tell you?

What are you gonna do, maude?
You're gonna let me in there?

Or you're gonna give me a
break and let me go home in peace?

Come on in. Come on, Archie,

and say hello to Carol.

What's your new name gonna be?

Mrs. David green.

It's your life.

Say hello to Walter.

Hello, Walter
there. Hello, Archie.

Oh, my, we're gonna
have such a good time.

You bet we are. I
just love weddings.

You're telling us, maude. You've
been married yourself four times.

Nothing personal, but
a guy could go broke...

Just buying wedding presents
for your side of the family.

Still fighting mental
health, huh, Archie?

You know, Walter,
considering everything,

I'm surprised to see
you looking so good.

- Watch it, Archie.
- Maude, Archie,
this is a wedding,

and you promised you
wouldn't fight this weekend.

That's for us, Archie.
Come on. Let's go.

Where we going? I just got here.

David's friends are giving him a
bachelor party and you're invited too.

What do you mean? One of
them fun bachelor parties?

Yeah. All the guys are
chipping in ten bucks apiece.

Hold it. Hold it. Include
me out of that there.

Leave it to a hebe to charge
admission to his own party.

What's he gonna do, sell
tickets to the wedding too?

He's all yours, maude.

You know what I like
about you, Archie?

- What's that, maude?
- Nothing.

Maude, I ain't blind.

I notice since I come in
here you try to insult me.

Mother, for your sake, I'm trying to
control myself, but if he isn't out...

Archie, the shower
is for ladies.

And since you ain't going
to the bachelor party,

wouldn't you like to
go back to the motel?

Oh, no, Edith. No dice to that.

I ain't going
nowhere without you.

I'm staying here. I'm gonna plant myself
right in the middle of this here couch.

What did I tell you, mother?
I knew he'd do something.

I don't know why the... hello!

How are you?

Ladies, ladies, come
with me. Come with me.

Ladies! Ladies!

I have something to show you.

This is a Mr. Bunker.

And he insists on staying
with us girls for the shower.

Edith! Edith! Edith!

Come here.

You ain't Edith.
Get out of here.

Edith! Edith!

Get over here. Yeah, Archie.

I'm going. You got your way. Stay here.
Enjoy yourself with your dopey friends.

I'll go back to the motel
and stay there all alone.

Oh, Archie.

Don't worry, Edith. He can
go back and watch television.

Governor Wallace is on the
tonight show and he'll love it.

Bye, darling. Thank
you all for coming.

Thank you, sweetheart.
It was just lovely.

Give my love to Roger.

My god, I'm tired.

That was the best
shower I've ever been to.

Oh, the presents
is so beautiful,

and some of them was so funny.

I thought I'd die...

When that girl gave you a box
of nodoz for your honeymoon.

I'm glad you liked
that one, Edith.

Oh, I loved it,

especially after
you explained it to me.

Edith, you're wonderful.

Mommy, I want a drink of water.

Phillip's awake. I'll
be right there, honey.

Let me take it to him,
Carol. I'll tell him a story.

Oh, I ain't told a
bedtime story for years.

- Thanks, Edith. You're a doll.
- Carol, let's have a drink.

We'll clean up the
mess later. Good idea.

A final toast.

This is the second shower I've
thrown for you, and may it be the last.

Actually, you haven't thrown
me two showers. This is the first.

This is your second
marriage. So?

So, I counted it up on my little
fingers and that comes to two showers.

Count again, mother. Pete and I
eloped. Sweetheart, two showers.

One before you eloped with
Peter and one before David.

Mother, you don't have
elopement showers.

The shower you're thinking of is the one I
threw for you when you married Walter.

Honey, you threw me a shower
when I married Albert, not Walter.

Mother, you're getting
senile. You eloped with Albert.

Look, don't tell me
who I eloped with.

I eloped with your father
and with Fred, not Albert.

I threw you a shower,
and it wasn't Albert.

Now, honey, look.
Listen to mother.

In 12 years, we have had
three showers, right?

So that means you threw
me either Albert or Walter...

Because I threw
you Peter and David.

I threw you Walter, but you did not
throw me Pete and David, just David.

At least we agree on
David and Walter. Right.

And then I threw you Peter.

You did not.

Four days before you married
Peter, I threw you a shower.

Mother, that's impossible.

Pete and I were living together.
People thought we were already married.

That's it. It was a baby shower.

Get away from me. What a
party. What a terrific party.

Close the door, stupid.
What are you so angry about?

- You were
the life of the party.
- David, Walter, what happened?

Thanks to David and his friends,
the police raided the party.

- The police raided the party?
- What do you mean the police
raided the party?

What police? What raid?
Two cops? One was short.

Walter, you were the oldest boy
there, and I hold you directly responsible.

And I should've known when
your friends got that motel suite...

That some girls would show up.

David, there were
girls at your party?

Why not? You had
girls at your party.

That's not funny, David.

If you blew that boy's bachelor
party, I am sending back the king-size bed.

David, just how many
girls were at the party?

Well, let's see. There
were the two brunettes.

- There was a redhead
with a guitar.
- Don't forget the belly dancer.

The belly dancer?
There was a belly dancer.

There was a redhead with a
guitar. You already mentioned her.

Yeah, she was the standout. She
rode him around the room piggyback...

Singing "marching to Pretoria."

David!

What's the matter?
You don't like that song?

I can't believe this. That's what
you do. It's a bachelor party.

You fool around. Two
days before the wedding?

We're individuals,
right? You got two days.

You can fool around if you
want. That's not the point.

Wait a minute. What happened to that
liberated female I'm gonna married...

With all those speeches that
come pouring out of your mouth,

all those liberal views?

You're right, David. I'm sorry.

Anything you did at your bachelor party
is okay. After all, I'm no angel myself.

- And that's the truth, David.
- Mother, please.

What's the difference?

Once we're married, I won't
be fooling around anymore.

We'll be living in that new house I
bought today, and everything will be fine.

- What?
- Oh!

I wanted it to be a surprise.

I bought us a new house today.

You bought a house today? Tudor.

He bought you a house. Oh, you
darling, you bought her a house.

Mother, this is between David
and me. You bought a house...

And you didn't ask me about
it? Wait till you see the kitchen.

The kitchen is fabulous. I'm
not gonna be in the kitchen.

Electric stove. I
don't even like to cook.

When you quit your job, you'll
love to cook. I'm gonna decorate.

Wait. Stop. Go back.
I'm gonna decorate.

Further than that. About
my job. And you quit your job.

Uh-uh. I'm not
gonna quit my job.

Of course you're
gonna quit your job.

Who's gonna take
care of the kids? Kids?

We're gonna have three kids...
You have decided on three children...

- And you haven't asked me?
- You'll get them. You'll get them.

Mother, will you go over
there and sit down? But, honey...

- Walter.
- Maude, sit.

What if I don't want any
more kids? I already have one.

That's right. She already
has a kid. Phillip is not dumb.

David, suppose I don't
want any more children?

Of course you're gonna want
children. That's a woman's function...

I don't believe
I'm hearing this.

I don't believe you've planned my
whole life for me without consulting me.

You bought a house. I had to move fast
on the house. That was a good bargain.

I should've known you
couldn't pass up a good bargain.

- What is that supposed to mean?
- I don't know.

Is that some reference
to the fact that I'm Jewish?

Do you wanna see if I bleed?
You wanna see if a Jew bleeds?

Walter, give me the knife.
You want a pound of my blood?

- Don't be foolish.
- David, stop it.

What's the matter with you people? Don't
you know Jews are like everybody else?

We drink, we gamble, corral,
unfaithful to our wives.

That's not true.

Everybody knows that Jewish
boys make the best husbands.

It's a known fact. Look it up.

On the surface, that sounds all
right, but that's an anti-semitic remark.

Walter, come on. Let's
go. It's your turn. Let's go.

Well, you are talking
with your hands. Walter!

He's kidding! He's kidding!
Tell him you're kidding!

I knew it. I was
waiting for this.

My mother told me it might take
a year, two years, maybe three,

but sooner or later, if I married into
this family, one of you would crack,

and the anti-semitic remarks
would come pouring out.

Hold on just a minute. You
said you've been waiting for this.

You've been waiting for
something like this to happen.

For two years, while
I've been loving you,

you've been waiting for me
to make an anti-semitic remark.

Do you know what that is? That is
anti-gentile feeling on your part.

We all feel that way.

Aha! Aha!

I said that?

I said that. That
came out of my... wow.

Well, that's, uh... well,
where do we go from here?

I'll tell you exactly where we go
from here. Walter, get the champagne,

and we'll forget
everything that's been said.

Mother, it's not possible to
forget everything that's been said.

I'm really surprised at you.
David, you gave me no idea.

The wedding is off. To
the bride and groom.

Not to this bride and
groom. To freedom.

To my new house with
the "for sale" sign in front.

To the bride and groom.
To living my own life.

I said, "to the
bride and groom."

You don't understand. David
and I have decided to cool it.

Cool it? What does that mean?
That means the wedding is off.

What? Thirty women just
ate $200 worth of food here.

I got a banquet hall hired and a
caterer waiting for the reception.

Can I see you for a moment? Yes.

I know. I guess we
have a lot to talk about.

I'll call you.

We'll have coffee. Okay.

Wait a minute, David. Where
you going? I said wait a minute.

What am I gonna do
with a three-piece band?

Tell them to play
"marching to Pretoria."

David. David! David! David!

See you next week at the
American civil liberties meeting?

Oh, Carol, honey.

You know, I'm not
very good at quiet talk.

Yelling is my long suit.

I don't know. I'm trying to say
something and I hope it comes out right.

What I'm trying to say is,

I want you to know that I care.

I know you care.

Thank you, mother.
Oh, honey, listen.

Everything passes in time.

And who knows? David
may still work out.

Even if it doesn't, it'll work out
with somebody else. Look at us.

It took your mother four tries
before she was lucky enough to get me.

See why I love that man?

His modesty.

What's going on? Am
I missing something?

Only the wedding,
Edith. It's off.

Oh. I wondered what
she was laughing at.

Geez, I'm glad somebody's laughing
and having a good time here.

Archie, what are you doing here?

The same thing I was doing at
the motel, Edith... not sleeping.

They was having a wild party over
there. People screaming and yelling.

One crazy dame was
marching to astoria.

Around 11:00 I couldn't
take it no more.

I had to call the cops
to come and break it up.

I should've known.

I should've known too, maude. I
never would've went to the joint.

You fink. Huh?

If you hadn't called the cops,
nothing would have happened.

What is she talking about?
If there hadn't been a raid,

there never would have
been this fight here tonight.

Archie, you have ruined
my daughter's wedding.

Well, then that makes us even,
Maudie, 'cause you ruined my weekend.

Ow!

You stepped on my foot.

Maude, I had a marvelous time.

Carol, I can't tell
you how sorry I am.

Thanks, Edith. Yeah, Carol,
I was gonna tell you...

Archie, there's no
need to apologize.

All you did was mess up a party.

I messed up my own wedding.

That's what I was gonna
tell you. It ain't my fault.

Come on, Edith.
We've got a long trip.

Let's get going. Bye. Bye.

Keep smiling there, Maudie.

Archie. Here. You don't wanna
forget your wedding present.

Oh, no. I tell you
what you do, maude.

You keep it here on what you
call a deposit for the next wedding.

All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.