Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew where you were then ♪

♪ girls were girls and men were men ♪

♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ gee, our old lasalle ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪♪

Mom? Hi. We're home.

Daddy? Daddy, you upstairs? Anybody home?

Ma, you in the kitchen?

That's funny. Sunday afternoon, nobody's home.

- You know what that means? - No. What?

We got the whole house to ourselves.

Michael, no.

Michael, yes.

Come here! Come here! No, Michael. No.

Me, Tarzan. You, Jane.

We go up to tree house.

Oh, boy. Jane putting on weight.

No, Tarzan. I lost five pounds.

I think I found it. Come. We go.

Gloria! What happened? Did you hurt your foot?

Oh. Hi, ma. No. How are you?

Hi.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Oh, uh, no. No, ma. That's, uh, that's all right.

Where you been? I had a special meeting at the church.

We had a cake sale. Guess what I got.

Uh, a cake.

You guessed right away.

They had so many delicious things. Oh. Hey, can I have a piece?

Oh, sure. Get a knife and some plates, Gloria.

We made $102 for a worthy cause.

Yeah? What cause was that?

I don't know. That's what the next meeting is about.

Where's Archie? How come he's not home watching the big football game?

I guess he's still at the launderette.

You got daddy to go to the launderette? How'd you do that?

I just asked him. And he said yes?

Yeah. Right after he stopped yelling and kicking the laundry bag.

All right, now listen to me, all of youse.

See what I'm doin' here? I'm lockin' the door. And youse all keep it locked.

Archie! What's goin' on? What happened?

Dummy up. Dummy up now and I'll tell you.

That arab laundryman Joe girgis is gonna be comin' over here after me.

And when he comes, we got to make like there's nobody home, see?

And from now on, Edith, don't you set foot in his launderette no more.

I don't care what it costs, go to the chinks.

But don't go near that arab again.

Not unless you got a dirty camel to wash.

I'm gonna sue that Egyptian phony.

Arch. Arch. He's not an Egyptian. He's a Syrian.

It's the same thing! They're born pirates, all of them!

Here, look at this here laundry.

It's in shreds, every piece of it there. Archie, what happened?

I took it into his place and I stuck it in one of them machines.

I turned it on, the machine busts wide open, there's a flood all over.

I run for my life. I go down on one knee and look at that.

My brand-new Sunday pants there, tore 'em wide open.

I hurt my knee too. Oh, no. I'm gonna sue that guy.

First thing in the morning, i'm gonna get myself a good Jew lawyer.

Archie, do you always have to label people?

Why can't you just get a lawyer? Why does it have to be a Jewish lawyer?

'Cause when I'm gonna sue an arab, I'm gonna get a guy that's full of hate.

Archie, look at this.

You must have forgot to separate the coloreds from the whites.

Archie forget to separate the coloreds from the whites?

Button your face.

Look, arch, I know you're upset, but what do you want to sue him for?

Why don't you talk to him first?

I tried that. How you gonna talk to a guy...

Who's screamin' and cryin' at the same time?

I mean cryin'. I mean real tears.

He's standing there. They're comin' out of him like a geyser.

Yeah. Mr. Girgis cries a lot.

They're all that way, them arabs. It's in their blood, that wailin'.

- What are you talking about? - You never heard that?

Why do you think those people got the wailin' wall?

Archie, it's the Jewish people who go to the wailing wall.

That's only on one side of it, smart guy.

Who do you think is wailin' on the other side?

By the way, where was youse two when all that laundry had to be took?

I went down to the library. I had to look up a few things. And I was helping him.

What was you doin', readin' to him, huh?

Funny. Very funny. I'm doing a paper on the supreme court.

What's more important... your dirty laundry or the supreme court?

The way Nixon's filling it, what's the difference?

Don't talk to me! Archie, can I get you some lunch?

Is it lunchtime already? Look, it's after 1:00.

I'm missin' the whole football game. Get away from me, all of you!

I'd better see if there's anything in this we can save.

Gloria, will you help me? Oh, sure.

Go on, the two of youse. Count up all that damage there,

'cause I'm gonna sue that arab through the nose.

And remember, Edith, all them clothes is practically new.

Ladies and gentlemen, our national anthem.

Good. The national anthem. That means they ain't started yet.

We're in luck. ♪ oh, say can you see ♪

♪ by the dawn's early light ♪♪

That is one terrible song.

Don't start up nothin' with me, meathead. I'm watchin' the game.

That's a beautiful song and shut your face.

Arch, the song glorifies war.

And even as a song, it stinks. Nobody can remember the words.

You gonna ruin this game for me? Can you remember the words?

Certainly, I can. Come on, give me the first few lines.

Give me that thing. I'll turn it on as soon as you give me the lines.

Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light...

What so proudly we hailed, of thee I sing.

Wrong. It ain't wrong.

It is too. "Of thee I sing" is from "my country 'tis of thee."

That's wrong. What are you talking about?

The next line of the "star-spangled banner" is "at the twilight's last gleaming."

"At the twilight's last gleaming" comes after "of thee I sing."

You've just proven my point. Nobody can

remember the words because they're rotten words.

Listen. "Oh, say, does that star-spangled banner ye-et wave?"

What kind of word is "ye-et"?

If it's in the national anthem, it's a good word!

"Ye-et"?

Yeah. "Ye-et." I use it all the time. Ye-et. Ye-et.

Now give me "tha-at"!

- What's all the screaming about? - The national anthem.

Oh. Did the singer forget the words again?

I'll get it. Oh, no, no, no. Wait. Don't get nothin'.

I told you. Get away from that door.

It's that arab laundryman Joe girgis.

Now shush. Make like there's nobody home.

I know you're in there, Archie bunker! I see you through the window!

He's seen you through the window, Archie.

Did he, Edith?

Get away from there, girgis! I ain't talkin' to you except through a lawyer!

My name's pronounced "girgis," and I want to talk to you right now!

Get off my stoop or I'll sic the dog on you!

You ain't got a dog, bunker, and you owe me money!

Archie, let him in. The neighbors will hear.

You bet the neighbors will hear! Archie bunker owes me money!

Hey, hey, girgis. Listen, america!

Archie bunker owes me money!

Why, you common, ignorant thing, you.

Why would you yell that way on a Sunday afternoon?

You broke my best machine. It's gonna cost me a good 85 bucks to fix it. Pay me!

Me pay you? Your dumpy machine ruined my laundry! You owe me money.

Edith made it out to worth about 40 or 50, $65 there.

Some of our best haberdashery was in that load, right, Edith?

Oh, yeah. There was six pairs of fruit of the loom shorts...

Stifle yourself!

That laundry you ruined was worth a small fortune.

That's right. Eighty-nine cents a pair.

Get over there and eat cake, will you?

You ruined my best washer.

The machine I started my business with. My first top-loader.

Never a day's trouble. Never stopped. Never leaked. Never jammed.

Then along you come with your lousy fruit of the looms and tear the guts out of it.

Oh. Get a load of this here.

There goes the geyser again.

We're gonna have to put down newspaper for this guy.

- Leave the guy alone. - Will you go and help your mother eat cake?

You got some nerve comin' over here and sayin' that about that machine.

That machine was ready for the junk pile.

That machine was a Jewel until you overloaded it.

I'm telling the truth, as god is my judge.

God? What god? Allah?

Allah don't cut no ice around here.

What are you talking about? I'm a methodist.

A methodist? Maybe comin' through the immigration you was.

But you started facin' east as soon as you got an apartment.

No, buddy, I'm gonna sue you.

If anybody's gonna sue, it's gonna be me. You ain't got a leg to stand on.

That's what I'm gonna sue you about. Look at that. A hole in my Sunday pants.

Probably a torn "filament" right there in the kneecap.

Oh, no, buddy, I'm gettin' a lawyer after you.

Then I'll get a lawyer too.

Wait a second. You're not gonna use a lawyer for a case like this.

You're gonna have to go to a small-claims court.

You're not gonna be able to do that...

Because you know you guys ain't gonna be able to afford to miss work.

So why don't you settle it yourselves?

You get somebody to act impartial, sort of a referee.

Somebody you both trust. You tell them what happened, let them decide.

That's a good idea. We'll get someone who's fair and honest.

In New York? Oh, geez!

How about the reverend feltcher? He's fair and honest.

That's when he's workin'. We don't know what he does on his off-duty.

Maybe Dr. Evans would come over.

Come on. What do you think, he's Marcus welby? He don't make no house calls.

I got it. I know someone. The lady i'm thinking about is perfect for the job.

Hold it. When you say lady, no dice. Women is out.

Daddy, you're such a male chauvinist.

In this day and age, how can you say that?

Like this here... no women.

But the lady I'm talkin' about is your wife. Huh?

- Oh, my. - Yeah. You know anybody more honest?

Well, uh... will you do it, Mrs. Bunker?

Oh, no, Mr. Girgis. I couldn't do that.

You see, I'm Archie's wife.

Hold it. Everybody knows you're my wife. Sure you're my wife.

But that's got nothin' to do with anythin'.

But, Archie, a judge has to be impartial.

Edith, you can be married to me and still be impartial there.

What are you talkin' about? It's a good

idea, girgis. How come you thought of Edith?

Well, she was one of my first customers.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Yeah.

She's been comin' to my place twice a week for seven years now.

Wonderful woman. Always fair.

Never tried to jump her turn and push her way ahead of another customer.

Never asked me for change.

Always came with her own quarters.

What the hell's the matter with him now? I told you he was like that.

I remember at the grand opening of his launderette...

He cried all the way through the first rinse.

Girgis, uh, uh, listen, it'll be all right.

I'll talk Edith into doin' it for you, huh, bein' the judge.

Let's get started. Why don't you dry your eyes?

I'll try. Yeah. Geez.

Can I use the bathroom? You want to use the bathroom? Sure. Go on upstairs, girgis.

It's the first door on the right, top of the stairs up there, huh?

Hey, hey. Come on, Edith. Let's get started. You bein' the judge, huh?

Oh, Archie, no. I don't know.

People will be expectin' me to be so smart and all.

I don't think I can. What are you worried about there, Edith?

You can do it. You'll be the best little judge that marriage can buy.

Listen, youse two, when girgis comes down here, let's get this thing over with.

Don't be holdin' up the works with none of your screwball arguments, huh?

Hey, girgis!

We're ready to get started. What are you doin' up there, readin'?

I'll be down in a minute.

What are you doin' here? We ain't gonna have no coffee clutch.

We're tryin' to have a little court, that's all.

Oh, Archie, I'm so worried about bein' a judge. It's a big responsibility.

Why? It's an open-and-shut case.

Open-and-shut? Ma hasn't heard the evidence yet.

She's gonna hear the evidence. I want her to hear the evidence.

I just don't want the evidence to get in the way, that's all.

- In the way of what? - In the way, Edith, of a fair and honest decision.

Oh, Archie, you know I'll do the honest thing.

Yeah... oh, hold it, hold it, Edith.

Now you know there's such a thing as bein' overhonest, you know?

And any real judge will tell you that that's bad.

Bad? Why?

Overanything is bad, Edith. Overworkin', overeatin'.

"Ipso fatso," then overhonest is bad too.

Daddy, you stop trying to influence ma's decision.

I ain't tryin' to influence her decision!

I'm only tryin' to help her out here. She's got a tough job...

Tryin' to decide between that crook up there in the toilet... shh!

Between that crook up there in the toilet...

And her husband who's been workin' for her for the past 23 years, right?

Yeah, yeah. So you got a very tough job, that's all.

Oh, don't worry, Archie. I will render a fair and impartial verdict...

Without fear nor favor, so help me god.

Where'd you learn that? Perry Mason reruns.

Aw. Yeah.

At last, king farouk is off the throne up there.

Now when he comes down, make everythin' look fair, huh?

Just try to forget that you remember that I'm your husband.

Don't worry, Archie. When it comes to the decision, I'll forget everything.

Well, is her honor the judge ready? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. We're all set. Where you goin'? Where you goin'?

I'm goin' out. 'Cause first the judge has to come in.

Edith, come on, will you? You're already in. Get over here.

Sit down. All you got to do is just hear what I gotta say.

What you gotta say? What about me? Don't I have a say?

Certainly, you got a say, after I say what I gotta say.

I wanna talk first. Yeah. That's exactly it... come on. Be fair.

Wait a second! Wait a second! Hold it! What? What? What?

You got a judge. Why don't we exercise a little courtroom procedure?

Ma, you're the judge. You sit in the judge's chair.

That's my chair. I want the judge to sit there.

He wants the judge to sit there. All right, get in there.

Mr. Girgis, you sit over there. Where am I gonna go?

You're gonna sit over here. How come I'm gettin' a hard chair?

What's the difference? Sit here, will you?

Come on, get it over with! Let's go.

Oh, yes, oh, yes. This court is now in session.

The honorable Edith j. Bunker, presiding. All rise...

Will you quit foolin' around and get on with this thing here?

I'm just tryin' to do it right. Sit down over here!

Let's get started. Edith, this is what happened here.

I go into his laundry, go over to his first broken down machine...

- Wait. It still hasn't been decided you go first. - I decided. It's my house.

Hold it. It's proper courtroom procedure for the judge to decide who speaks first.

Oh, all right. The judge will decide.

Eeney-meeney-miney-moe, catch a tiger...

Hold it! What are you doin'?

Well, I'm chosin' firsts.

Out goes y-o-u.

Mr. Girgis, you go first.

Oh, gee, judge, that was so fair.

All right, girgis, you heard the judge here.

Stand up in front of the judge and speak your piece.

Look at this. The dope is doin' it.

This morning, Archie bunker came to my place with a lot of laundry.

And I says to Archie, "you got to use two machines."

But does he? No.

No. Cheapskates here is tryin' to save 35 cents,

and he pushes 20 pounds of laundry into one machine and overloaded it...

And the machine busted a strut.

You never said I got to use two machines. Maybe you said I oughta.

- Big deal! It's the same thing! - The hell it is the same thing!

Your honor. As bailiff, I object to the use of that kind of language.

And I suggest that it not be tolerated.

Your honor, look at that. Look what he did there.

All right. All right, bailiff.

Mr. Bunker, the court says shame on you.

Your honor, I remember now.

I didn't say "oughta" or "gotta." I said, "you have to use two machines."

You never said nothin' of the kind, you big liar!

Your honor, as the bailiff's wife, I object to this kind of language.

That's right. And I suggest that Mr. Bunker be held in contempt of court.

Until you start payin' rent around here, you're in contempt of house!

Now clam up and sit down.

Mr. Bunker... what? What? What?

The court is warning you for the last time.

Shame, shame. Everybody knows your name.

Listen, Edith, if you don't mind... I mean, judge.

Could I, uh... what do you call... "Encroach" the bench?

Yes, you may.

I just wanna ask you somethin' private...

Without Florence of Arabia tunin' in here.

Could I ask the court for a little favor, huh? Sure, Archie.

Will you cut the crapola, you dingbat, and pick a winner?

I heard that.

What a terrible thing to say to a wonderful woman and a good customer.

But that doesn't surprise me.

Any man who has no respect for a fine machine like my top-loader...

Can't have any respect for a fine woman and a top person.

Come on, laundryman. Stop soft-soapin' and tryin' to "deterge" the judge here.

Just say what you gotta say and get it over with.

I will. I got signs all over my place telling you what to do.

Big letters... "Twelve-pound limit per machine."

You can't miss it! But he missed it!

I didn't miss nothin'. My load was 12 pounds on the nose.

My eye told me it was 17 pounds if it was an ounce.

- I told you to weigh it. - I weighed it.

Not on my scale! On my Macy's bathroom scale,

new from Christmas '68 up there, it was 12 pounds even.

It was not on my scale and that's what's important! Order! Order!

I can't be judge no more. What do you mean?

I resign. Wait a minute. Come here.

Don't let Archie intimidate you.

You can't resign in the middle of a trial.

Then if I can't resign, I call a recess.

Come on, Edith. Wait a minute. Come here. Ma...

Listen, girgis, come on, let's stop all this court malarkey, huh?

Can't we get together and settle this thing like two intelligent persons?

What do you want to do? All you got to do is pay me what you owe and get out.

That isn't the way we decide this.

Ma, you got a headache? No. But I'm gonna have one.

Because I know who's guilty, and Archie's gonna be so mad.

Oh, boy. He can't be mad at you...

'Cause you're his wife, and it's the judge who's making this decision.

But it's his wife he's gonna be mad at.

Edith, get in here! I don't know what to do.

Ma, you're the judge. You've got to be impartial.

If you've made a decision, you've got to stick to it. Come on.

Come on, Edith. We're waitin'. Everybody take their place.

Edith, will you just give us the decision?

The decision is...

I'm a hung judge.

What the hell does that mean?

It means I can't make a decision.

But, ma... in the kitchen, you said you made your mind up.

Mrs. Bunker, you promised. We want a decision. We want it now!

All right.

The court says...

Archie, you ain't guilty.

Naturally. At last.

You satisfied, arch? You corrupted the last honest person.

Get out of here. You heard the decision. Get lost.

Mrs. Bunker, I'm truly disappointed in you.

See, I picked you because I thought you'd be fair. But I was wrong.

If you can say to me that this man is not guilty...

- But, Mr. Girgis... - Wait.

Wait. I'm entitled to make one final statement.

If you can say to me that this man is not guilty...

Of putting 17 pounds of very dirty laundry...

Into a 12-pound-limit, top-load machine,

the prize of my fleet,

then I say to you there's no justice in the borough of queens.

Mr. Girgis, don't cry. You ain't guilty either.

What? What?

Ma, that's no decision. Somebody's got to be guilty.

Somebody is... me.

What are you talkin' about? You're the judge. You can't be guilty.

Archie, it's my fault our laundry was too heavy.

You see, I set the scale back five pounds.

The bathroom scale up there? Yeah. I did it for you.

But why? You know how mad you get when you gain a few pounds.

Don't talk to me!

You ain't guilty. I'm guilty. What's the difference?

You or me, I'm the guy that's gotta pay! Oh, geez.

What are you cryin' about now? You heard. You won.

I'm cryin' because I'm happy.

I mean, this woman has redeemed my faith in human nature.

Thank you. Thank you. I'm sorry.

I'll send you the bill in the morning.

Good-bye, everybody.

Get out of my chair.

Daddy, don't be angry.

You didn't want ma to lie, did you?

Who's talkin' about lyin'?

I'm talkin' about families stickin' together.

Oh, Archie, I believe in families stickin' together.

But if I hadn't told the truth, you'd never be able to trust me again.

And then how could we stick together?

You have ruined another Sunday.

You know, Archie, I was thinkin' about that king in the Bible... Solomon.

Remember the story about the two women who was fightin' over the baby...

And they asked Solomon to judge who was the real mother?

And Solomon called for a sword and said,

"divide the living child in two...

And give one half to the first woman and one half to the second woman."

And the first woman said, "no. Don't hurt the child. Give it to her."

And the second woman said, "no. Cut the child in two."

But Solomon said, "the child will not be hurt.

"Give it to the first woman.

Because her love has proved that she's the real mother."

Oh, my. That Solomon, he was so smart.

That's my point exactly, Edith.

I should have got a smart Jew after that arab.

All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.