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[Man] Pull that in there.

Right back to home. Let's move it.

[Boy] Yeah, not bad, not bad.

Okay, let's go for two now.

Okay, go for the bunt.

Everybody stay alive.

Go!

41, 42, 43, 44, 45,

46, 47, 48, 49, and 50.

Okay, on your back. 20 sit-ups.

Come on. Hit the deck.

And one, two, three,

four, five, six,

seven--

[radio] Temperature today is expected to hit 78.

And in downtown L.A., they're expecting--

ten, eleven-- come on, keep up--

12, 13, 14, 15--

[opens beer]

[Coughs]

17, 18...

[Coughs]

19 and 20.

[Boy] Hey, good job!

[Man] That's what I want. Good play. Good play.

[Boy] Good, Phil.

[Man] Go for two.

Ready for the bunt? Go!

Hey, alive out there!

Go!

[Boy] Hey, way to go, Chris!

[Clink]

Thanks, mister.

[Motorcycle starts]

Get it in there!

Come on, fellas!

Talk it up!

I'm going to go around the infield,

then around the outfield.

You got it? Okay.

Move! Charge the ball!

Let's go! Fire it in there!

Around the infield now!

We'll do it around the infield,

then around the outfield.

[Man] Hey, buttermaker.

I had three pools to clean.

Uh, you know my son Toby, right? Hi, buttermaker.

This little guy is going to be a great ballplayer.

I really appreciate this.

It's a shame that none of the fathers have the time for it.

If I wasn't so busy down at city hall--

you got my check, whitewood? Check?

Uh, son, why don't you get your bike off the car?

Yeah.

Wow! I thought we were going to be quiet about the money. Oh, yeah. Sorry.

It's going to be rough, buttermaker. You just got one week till the first game.

I wanted to introduce you to some of the administrators--

you forgot to sign the check. Check is not signed.

Oh. Helps, right?

You ask around for a woman they call Cleveland.

She'll get things set for you. Here.

Here's a list of the boys on the team.

Don't let any of these bastards give you a hard time.

Put that away.

Hang in there.

[Boy #1] How about a ride home?

[Boy #2] Race you back to the dugout!

You know, I think we're doing a really fine thing.

Yeah.

Dad said you played pro ball.

Yeah.

I thought you just cleaned swimming pools.

Says you were really great once.

That's nice of him.

[Coughing]

[Man] Hey! Hey!

Get that bike off the field!

I said get it off the field! You're marking it up.

Excuse me.

Sorry he yelled at your boy.

That's not my boy.

My husband's uptight about the infield.

He sometimes yells.

Jill, honey.

Hey, Jill, honey.

My name is buttermaker.

I'm coach of the new team.

I'm looking for miss Cleveland.

She's in the equipment room. It's straight ahead.

Goddamn class-action suits are gonna be the ruin of this country.

It wasn't so bad

when the courts made us take girls.

At least the ones that came could play,

but now this.

This equipment's kind of had it, miss.

You're damn right, Mr. Buttermaker.

This is normally a six-team league, not seven.

You're gonna have to be happy with what's left.

Look, buttermaker, the problem is your friend whitewood.

He could have got those boys in any of the other leagues.

Why did he sue this one?

We're different than the other leagues, and he knows it.

We run a highly competitive program here.

I mean, it's highly competitive.

Want to know something?

It's not us. It's the boys.

It's the boys themselves that want it that way.

Buttermaker, new rule book. See that you memorize it.

You got, uh, not even an hour to practice on that field.

Good luck, huh?

When I say your name, step forward and tell me what position you want to play.

- Rudi Stein. - Pitcher. Um, can I play p--

sure. Regi tower.

I got a pretty good arm. My father said for me to play infield.

Mr. Buttermaker, I'm on your team.

- Last year, I was playing baseball-- - you really pitch a no-hitter?

I'm tower-- for the first time--

my dad's been a yankee fan all his life.

He never heard of no buttermaker who ever played for the Yankees let alone pitched a no hitter!

I don't know who you are, but sit down and shut up. Can I play second or third base?

The situation with the glasses is-- forget about the glasses.

All right, guys, let's get one thing straight.

I was a heck of a ballplayer, but I never pitched for the Yankees--

you never played in the major leagues.

But you did pitch for Phoenix in the minors.

In 1951, you won nine games,

lost six, had 170 strikeouts,

and had an e.R.A. Of 2.86.

Good work, kid.

Ahmad Abdul raheem.

Ahmad Abdul raheem. Here.

What position do you want to play?

I want to switch hit like my big brothers.

And I want to play where Hank Aaron played.

Right field. Aaron played right field. Then right field.

He also played quite a few games on second base. Then second base.

Mike engelberg. My dad thinks I should try out for catcher.

He can play third and short at the same time.

Keep it up, whitewood! If you wanna get "kung-fued." Shut up, tubs!

[Buttermaker] Timmy luppus-- all right, all right--

Timmy luppus. [Boy] lupus.

Crud. Does that booger-eatin' spaz make me want to puke.

What do you want to play, luppus?

[Boy] Lupus.

He's shy, coach.

Shy, my butt. He's an idiot.

Shut up, Tanner. He's just quiet.

Timmy and I could do a fine job sharing right field.

Let's not talk anymore about it.

Everybody out on the field and take any position you want.

We'll figure out where you play later.

Could Timmy and I play right field?

Anyplace at all. Just get out there.

Just shut up and get out there.

Let's go, boys.

Mister, uh, buttermaker,

I think my dad said something about these two boys were Mexican.

They don't speak any English.

All right, let's get one.

Hey, can't you hold off of that until after practice?

There's energy in chocolate.

I need energy.

Oh.

All right, let's get one.

[Man] Damn it, regi! Attack that ball.

Pay attention out there.

It was right at me.

Attack it!

All right. Get one.

[Buttermaker] Look alive. [Bat hits ball]

[Boy] Oh! How could you?

[Squish]

Hey, engelberg. What?

There's chocolate all over this ball.

Look, Mr. Buttermaker, quit bugging me about my food.

People are always bugging me about it.

My shrink says that's why I'm so fat.

You're not doing me any good so just quit it!

Okay, okay, okay.

All right, look alive. Let's get one.

Are you ready? Let's get one out there.

Engelberg? What?

That is a bunt-- b-u-n-t.

The catcher is supposed to pick up the bunt...

And throw it to first base.

How was I supposed to know? You made such a big deal yelling out to them.

Diversionary tactic, engelberg. Now get the ball.

Why are you always picking on me? What did I do to you?

Quit your bellyaching and throw the ball to first base!

[Glass breaking]

[Boy] Estupido.

Don't blame me. I didn't even know it was your car.

It's dumb, parking it so close to the field anyway.

All right, boys.

Let's get back to basics.

This is a baseball.

The object of the game is to keep the baseball...

Within the confines of the playing field. Wait a minute!

You don't think we know what a ball is?

I don't think I like that kind of talk.

He's been in enough fights this week already.

What do you expect? All we got on this team...

Is a bunch of Jews, spics, niggers, pansies,

and a booger-eating moron.

Tanner, you should be reminded from time to time...

That you're one of the few people on this team...

Who's not a Jew, spic, nigger, pansy,

or booger-eating moron.

So you better cool it, or we may be disposed to beat the crap out of you.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Cut it out!

Now, guys, somebody's gonna pay for this windshield.

And I think, engelberg, it's gonna be your father.

Bullshit.

[Honking]

Come on, babe.

We were supposed to be here by 7:30.

Isn't that something? It looks like a baseball field.

They did a nice job, didn't they?

I had them leave off the anchovies...

Because I didn't know whether to use them as bats or the baseline.

Besides, most people don't like the taste of anchovies.

I don't like them. You see?

Carol, where is frank? Is he still practicing?

Of course. You got to keep after him.

You all look terrific. All right, everybody be patient!

Pizza's on very, very soon. [Man] Jill, I'm getting ready for the slide show.

Glad you could make it. I wouldn't miss it for the world.

We have one of these every year. It helps to get things off on a friendly note.

After the start of the season,

we all don't always get along so well.

Well, how are the uniforms coming along?

What?

The uniforms. Your team uniforms.

Hey, buttermaker, you better get on the ball.

All the best colors have been taken--

green and white, blue and white,

red and white, maroon and white, white and maroon.

Uniforms?

Hey, whitewood. What's this crap about uniforms?

What do you mean crap? I've been meaning to ask-- you're paying me to coach.

You told me I'd be coaching some kids just a couple of hours a day.

I've got a lot of pools to clean. I can't be out looking for uniforms.

Will you be quiet for a minute?

You've been hired as a manager, right? Yeah.

One of the responsibilities of being a manager...

Is to get a sponsor and to get uniforms.

Wait. No. You didn't tell me that.

I'm telling you now. It's easy.

You go around to these different businesses and you talk to the guys.

They all like baseball.

How could you possibly strike out Ted Williams?

I had a mother of a screwball.

He means Ted Williams was a major leaguer.

You never got past the minors.

It was spring training, vero beach, Florida.

Struck him out a couple of times.

You're not supposed to have open liquor in the car.

It's against the law. So is murder, engelberg.

Now put that back before you get me into real trouble.

If you were so great,

how come you never made it to the major leagues? Contract disputes.

When are we gonna get our uniforms? I'm working on it.

Hey, Ahmad,

even Hank Aaron peels the old eyelids before he takes a swing.

Maybe I should try left-handed.

No. Not just yet.

When are we going to get our uniforms?

I'm working on it.

All the other kids got their uniforms. When are we gonna get ours?

You worry about your hitting.

Let me worry about the uniforms.

My hat fell in.

Dummy.

Oh, god. You too?

How's the vacuuming coming, Toby?

Not enough suction.

Just move it back and forth. It will come.

When we're through, can we go swimming?

Don't jump in, engelberg. You'll flood the valley.

How's it going, Ogilvie?

Well, there's not enough pressure,

but I'm adjusting the intake valve now.

You got a hell of a future in pools, kid.

Where have you been, you crud? It's been an hour.

I've been out getting what you creeps have been bitching for--

uniforms.

Best pitch I ever taught her was the curveball.

How could you teach a 9-year-old girl to throw a curveball?

Not only a curveball, but the most tantalizing knuckler you ever saw.

This thing was a thing of beauty.

It came to the plate and disappeared.

It was like a ball of melted ice cream.

Here. Thank you, luppus.

Lupus. Lupus. Sorry.

Ahh. That's superb. Thank you very much.

Tell us about the time you struck out Ted Williams again.

Ted Williams, 1947, vero beach, Florida,

spring training, around march 15th.

Score was tied nothing to nothing.

It was the top of the ninth.

No. It was the bottom of the ninth.

Bases were loaded.

There was old Ted coming up to the plate,

swinging a menacing bat.

"Strike one."

What's the matter?

Come on. Let's keep playing.

He might be hurt.

I think he's dead.

He's not dead! He's drunk!

Had enough beer.

What a mess.

A lot of smoking too.

What do we do?

Nothing.

He ain't any good to us sober either.

Opening day's tomorrow. We don't know what the batting order is.

We don't even have our positions set.

All we got is a cruddy "alky" for a manager.

♪♪ [March]

Come on, red. Let's straighten your hat there.

Engelberg, how about buttoning those buttons on your uniform, will you?

I been trying all morning. It's too small.

Well, come on. Look neater, you know.

[Man on P.A.] Ladies and gentlemen,

I want to welcome you here to the opening game of the season.

What I want is to see every boy in america...

Out on the baseball field

playing the great game of baseball.

Thank you.

Well, uh, this is the moment we've been waiting for.

It's opening day.

Now, I'd like to call your attention to our new scoreboard...

Named in memory of Tommy Martin--

look out! Get back!

[Boy] ¿que pasa?

Get off the field!

[Blowing whistle]

Hey!

All right, come here!

Let's go! Let's go!

You little punk, you just--

what were you doing, you little punk?

Uh, what was i--

oh, yes, the new scoreboard in memory of Tommy--

Tommy Martin.

And, uh, well--

[different speaker] After the taking of the team pictures today,

parents and friends are encouraged to stay...

For the game between the bears and Yankees.

Come on, Indians. Line up.

A second game will begin at 3:00 this afternoon.

We urge you to return at that time...

To see the athletics against the mets.

Mr. Buttermaker!

They're taking the team pictures!

I want you to look like champions...

Because you're going to be champions.

Stand up straight and look at them.

That's it, boys.

You got that champion look about you.

Come on!

Quick!

He's going to take the picture!

Hey, my uniform's too small. Ah, shut up.

Take the picture!

Okay, boys, come on, straighten up. Big grins.

Come on.

Look at the birdie!

Smile!

Smile! smile!

[Photographer] That's it.

That's perfect. Thank you.

♪ What so proudly we hailed ♪

♪ at the twilight's last gleaming ♪

♪ and the rockets' red glare ♪

♪ the bombs bursting in air ♪

♪ gave proof through the night ♪

♪ that our flag was still there ♪

♪ oh say does that star-spangled banner yet wave ♪

♪ o'er the land of the free ♪

♪ and the home of the brave ♪♪

[Cheering]

Play ball! Batter up!

[Announcer] First in the yankee lineup today,

Andy berger, number seven, center field.

Come on, baby!

Take two of them!

[Man] You got to tag him, dummy!

[Boy] What are you doing?

[Announcer] Joey Turner, number two, pitcher.

Here we go. Let's go, Joey!

Let's go, Joey!

Hey, left fielder, throw it in!

Come on in, Joey!

[Announcer] Don jacobsen, second base.

[Man] All right!

I got a bead on it!

Where's our shortstop?

Aren't you the shortstop?

Was that an error?

It's an error on the throw,

but no error on the infielder...

'Cause he wasn't there.

Time! Time!

[Announcer] And a time-out is called by the bears' manager.

Hey, Tanner.

You okay?

Look, you crud, just get back to your beer.

Get going.

Get out of here.

[Bat hits ball]

[Yankees coach] Atta boy, Bobby!

Come on, Bobby! Come on in!

Slide! Slide!

Way to go! No competition!

Hey, clutch!

Go ahead, take it.

Take two, take three, take it. Go on home.

Yeah. Home, I said.

Trust me. Home.

Home!

Maybe we ought to, uh--

damn it.

Hold it up.

I just want to get a word with the other coach, okay?

Okay, hurry it up, though. You got it.

Hey, Turner. Yeah?

What do you say we call this thing off? This is getting ridiculous.

They're going to call it off in 15 minutes anyway so let me give you a little advice.

Let your team stay out there. They'll be able to say they didn't give up.

And you won't make quitters out of them.

I'm calling this off right now.

I was just thinking of your boys, that's all. The hell you were.

The hell I wasn't.

What I saw out there today made me sick, you know that?

Your team has no right being on that field.

Look at yourself, "butterworth." Look at that team.

I mean, why don't you do this league a favor?

You and the bears just drop out. I mean it.

I mean just-- just drop out.

I mean it.

It's a forfeit. We forfeit the game.

You forfeit? Yeah.

That's it! That's the game!

Forfeit by the bears!

[Turner] Come on in, fellas!

[Announcer] The remainder of this game has been canceled...

By the request of the bears' manager and forfeited to the Yankees.

Next up, the athletics and the mets.

Up the alley, down the street,

who's the hardest team to beat?

Bears! Bears! Yay!

Well, guys, it ain't so bad.

I was once in a high-school game where the score--

come on, guys, will you? It's only a game.

Hey, nice try, bears. Maybe next time you'll get a chance to bat.

Hey, Tanner! Come down, Tanner! Get down from there.

Forget about that. Now, sit down. I want to talk to you.

I'm not listening to you, crud. I'm leaving.

Sit down, Tanner. Ta--

hey, wait a minute. Where are you guys going?

Mr. Buttermaker, I got to talk to you! Wait a minute.

It's important! I got to talk to you!

What do you want? Ahmad's up a tree. Says he's not coming down.

Ahmad? Yeah.

What do you mean, climbed up a tree? Says he's not coming down.

Tell his family about it. Said if I told them where he was, he'd kill me.

And anyway, I promised him I wouldn't.

How's the view up there, Ahmad?

Hey.

How come you're not wearing your clothes?

Don't deserve to wear no uniform.

You get away from here, buttermaker.

This ain't your tree. Anybody can climb up here.

Just leave me alone.

Keeping your family waiting, you know.

Can't face them. Why?

What do you mean, why? Errors, that's why.

Easy fly balls.

There's nothing easy about those fly balls, Ahmad.

They were tough chances. The sun was in your eyes.

Don't give me any of your honky bullshit, buttermaker.

I know they were easy.

Let's not bring race into this, Ahmad.

We got enough problems as it is.

Anyway, your brothers will understand. No, they won't.

They would never make flubs like that.

They were all big athletes.

When they were my age, they were captains of all their teams...

And great players, and I'm not.

I'm lousy at football, basketball and baseball.

I'm quitting the whole damn thing.

Thank god Hank Aaron didn't act like this. What?

Don't give me that "what." You know what i'm talking about.

What are you talking about?

The 42 errors.

42 errors?

Come off it, will you, Ahmad? Stop pulling my leg.

You know what I'm talking about. You know all about Hank Aaron.

His first year in sandlot ball, he committed 42 errors. He was 9 years old.

Broke his little heart. He damn near quit.

Thank god for us he didn't.

There'd be no great old number 44.

Buttermaker, you're so full of-- it's common knowledge, for crying out loud!

Ask Ogilvie.

I'm surprised you didn't know that. He's your favorite player too.

Well.

[Sigh]

Kind of ruins my plans.

I was thinking around the fourth game,

you'd be switch-hitting.

I figured with your speed and right side of the plate, those few extra steps you get,

you'd be a tough out.

You know, bunts, things like that.

I am kind of fast, huh?

You're very fast.

[Man on P.A.] At present there are at least two to three instances...

Of cardiac arrest or heart seizure at every major sports event at the coliseum--

you're two and a half hours late.

I told you to meet me in my office. I couldn't find it.

Jesus. I couldn't believe that score-- 26-0.

What a beating! My son wouldn't come out of his room all weekend.

That's why I want to disband the team.

Have you told the boys yet? Not yet.

I was hoping to sneak away from the office this afternoon and drop by the field.

Actually, it might be better if you told them yourself.

I mean, they really do like you. And, uh, I'd appreciate it.

What if the boys don't want to quit?

That's not important. This has been very humiliating.

We've put these boys in a situation they just can't handle.

I hope you think that's fair. Mr. Harrison is here with his 2:30 appointment...

About the police academy bill.

Would you sign these first?

I know this has all been my fault.

I just want to end it as quickly as possible.

Good-bye, buttermaker.

[Tosses can in back]

[Starts car]

I know it says $1.25 on the map,

but what it really is is $2.00 because of inflation.

Hey, boilermaker, long time no see.

Hey, pretty fancy neighborhood you're working these days, Amanda.

Coming up in the world, huh?

What are you doing here?

I didn't have any pools to clean, so I thought I'd drop by and say hello.

How's your mom? Fine. What's it to you?

Is that the way to talk to me? I haven't seen you in two or three years.

If you're looking for money, you can forget it.

I'm not looking for money. I'm not looking for anything.

Be sociable, for crying out loud. Hey, what's that?

What's what? It's a mitt.

What? That.

Oh, yeah.

I thought if you weren't too busy,

maybe you'd like to play catch.

No, thanks.

No? Well, it was just an idea.

I mean, it's--

er, er, uh--

- how's your fastball these days? - Why?

Well, to tell you the truth, I'm coaching a bunch of kids some baseball.

Maybe if you're not doing anything, you can drop by the field.

Maybe join the team for old times' sake.

I knew you were up to something. I'm through with pitching.

My mom says you almost ruined me with that sports stuff.

- How did I ruin you? - That fastball put my arm in a sling.

It's a fine way to act toward me.

I figure you owe me a thing or two. 0we you a thing or two?

I was like a father to you.

Ha! Some father. Didn't I take you to all the ball games?

You'd have gone to them anyway. Didn't I take you horseback riding?

Didn't I take you and your mother to the movies twice a week?

Didn't I pay for your math tutor?

The math tutor guy was a drunk like you. I got a "d" in math that year.

Didn't I let you hang around while I cleaned the pools? While you cleaned the pools?

Who you trying to kid? I'm the one who did all the work.

You sat there and drank your beer all day.

By the fourth pool, you were out cold.

I had to call my mom to come pick us up.

What about your appendix? Who rushed you to the hospital?

Who saved your life? Would you be alive if it weren't for me?

Yeah, but when you weren't saving people's lives,

you were sitting around the apartment drunk.

Then you just split.

You made my mother sick. You know, she wanted to marry you.

Boy, was she dumb.

Your mother and I didn't get along too well, Amanda.

I liked her very much though. I still do, as a matter of fact.

I'm just not the marrying kind.

I guess I handled it badly, huh?

You handled it like shit!

You can't tell me what kind of language I can use.

Yes, I can! If you're gonna talk that way in front of me--

look, boilermaker. You're not my father,

and I ain't interested in playing baseball for you anymore.

So why don't you get back into that sardine can...

And go vacuum the bottom of the pacific ocean?

I've got business to take care of. You're blocking my customers with your car.

All right, boys. Let's go.

Up. Everybody up. Practice. Come on!

All right, all right. I'm an asshole.

Go ahead and yell. Get it off your chests.

I deserve it.

We really appreciate these new uniforms, buttermaker,

but we're not going to be needing them anymore.

We've been taking a lot of razzing in school about opening day, and--

and they were laughing at us, picking on us.

Anyway, we took a vote and decided that we'd quit.

What the hell happened to you, Tanner?

[Engelberg] Tanner got into a fight because of it.

Who with?

The seventh grade. What?

The seventh grade.

You took on the whole seventh grade?

You want to quit, Tanner?

Crud, no. I want to play ball.

I can understand how you guys feel.

I haven't been much of a manager...

Or much of anything else, for that matter.

And I'm sorry.

But this quitting thing--

it's a hard habit to break once you start.

You're a damn good bunch of boys.

You probably deserved a lot better than me,

but we're stuck with each other.

Jimmy, grab a bat.

Engelberry, get your gear on, get behind home plate.

What for? We need to practice.

But we disbanded the team. We took a vote.

Goddamn it!

Nobody's vote counts around here but mine!

Get your gear on and get your fat ass behind the plate before I kick it up there.

And the rest of you pansy-ass quitters, move your asses before I kick them all.

We got a game with the athletics next Wednesday,

and that means only one thing--

bad news for the athletics!

Oh, no, no, no.

You're dragging your right foot, Jimmy.

You got to plant it. Here, I'll show you.

Right here. Just plant it.

Make sure it stays there.

Okay.

Let's look alive out there.

Let's look alive.

Way to go, Jimmy!

Good hit!

Way to go!

No, Tanner, no! Everybody watch this.

You get down on your left knee there,

so if you miss the ball, it hits your body, you can still make the play.

Up, everybody.

All right, engelberry, hit it again.

That's it! That's the way to do it! You see how easy it is?

You see how simple that is? You just get down on your left knee.

You miss the ball, it hits your body. You still make the play.

You understand?

Okay, let's do it again.

[Yelling]

A busted bat and a long fly ball--

any day now durocher will call!

Ooh! shit!

Ow!

Any second now, Ogilvie...

Heart attack time.

I'll send flowers to your funeral.

Must have... sustenance.

Couldn't you at least have unwrapped it?

I got it! I got it!

Good move!

"Butterworth." hello, Roy.

What's your boys doing out in the field?

Getting ready for a game with the athletics.

The athletics? Haven't you heard?

Councilman whitewood told the league committee he's calling it quits.

He is. We aren't.

What are you, one of those sadists or something?

Didn't those kids take enough of a beating on opening day? What the hell you trying to do?

Win the pennant.

This schedule says that on the last day of the season, June 19th,

the two best teams play for a title.

We intend to be one of those teams.

Be a lot of fun if you were the other.

Two hands, engelberg, two hands!

All right, guys. I want to see some hard-nosed play out there.

Now, everybody, once more with feeling.

First base! Second base!

Do we have to do that one? It's so corny.

Come on, listen to me. Once more with feeling. First base! Second base!

Third base! Home!

Around them bases we shall roam!

Come on, batter!

Check the big play!

Batter can't hit!

Batter...

Swing!

Ball four! Take your base.

Go home!

Home! Go home!

Here! Home!

Go home!

All the way home!

Go home!

Out!

Crud!

Come on! Catch it!

Who do we appreciate?

Bears! Bears!

Yay!

All right, come on, guys, lighten up.

We finished the whole game, didn't we?

I thought you were safe, Tanner.

Come on, fellas. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Yeah. It took several hundred years.

We lost 18-0, "buttercrud."

And the athletics are the worst team in the league. Second worst.

Sorry, I forgot. Snap out of it!

Nobody said it was going to be easy.

Don't look so glum.

Well, we committed 24 errors.

Their pitcher threw a no-hitter against us.

But there is some good news.

Two of our runners...

Almost managed to get to first base,

and we did hit 17 foul balls.

That's right. That's the spirit!

Cokes and hot dogs on me.

Yeah! This way.

Buttermaker, I said I wasn't interested. There's nothing to be afraid of.

I'm not afraid. I'm just through with all that tomboy stuff.

Baseball's not tomboy stuff. It's your country's national pastime. It's healthy.

It's a lot healthier than sitting around here on a stupid street corner

selling dumb maps to a bunch of ignorant Hicks.

Look at that gut on you.

I beg your pardon. There isn't an ounce of fat on me.

There will be if you keep sitting around here.

This is sure a lousy job you got. It ain't lousy.

Half the state of Iowa came by last week. Cleared 85 bucks.

Bet it's more than you make.

You saving any of that money? Of course I am.

What are you going to do with it?

I'm going to get braces.

I'm going to be taking ballet lessons pretty soon.

I'm-- I'm going to be a model.

Well, now we're getting somewhere.

I'll tell you what--

you come and pitch a few games for us,

I'll pay for the modeling thing and the ballet lessons.

Can't do anything about the braces 'cause that's big money.

Buttermaker, you're so dumb.

Those boys aren't rough. You won't get hurt.

That's got nothing to do with it.

I'm almost 12, and I'll--

I'll be getting a bra soon.

Well, maybe in a year or so.

I can't be playing no dumb baseball.

You're right. You're absolutely right.

You're turning into a regular little lady.

It was a dumb idea anyway.

I mean, you wouldn't have helped the team much.

You were great when you were nine,

but girls reach their peak athletically about that age.

Probably haven't picked up a ball in two years anyway.

Give my love to your mom.

Don't be such a stranger.

Hey, boilermaker.

Yeah?

Got my curve breaking 2 1/2 feet.

Oh, yeah? Then you have been practicing, huh?

But don't give me no baloney...

About a curve breaking 2 1/2 feet, though.

For how much?

Ten bucks.

Make it 20.

We got a bet.

I thought we were going to see some curves.

Okay, the next one's coming right between your eyes.

Twelve ballet lessons.

Nine ballet lessons.

They're $3.00 a shot. I can't--

twelve ballet lessons or no go.

I just lit that cigar. That's terrible.

Make it nine ballet lessons--

I want the imported kind of jeans. Jeans?

Yes. French jeans. I'm not getting you any jeans.

Do you know how many pools I got to clean to get imported jeans?

What's the matter with American jeans? I don't like them.

Who do you think you are, catfish hunter? Who's he?

Boys, I'd like you to meet your new pitcher--

Amanda whurlizer.

Jews, spics, niggers, and now a girl?

Grab a bat, punk.

Jimmy feldman, Toby whitewood.

Toby!

Yeah! Right.

Sixth. No, you're seventh.

Seventh.

[Woman on P.A.] First up for the mets--

Roy close, number seven, left field.

Come on, Amanda. Right through him!

[Applause]

Come on, Mandy!

Strike three! You're out!

Ohh!

[Announcer] Now batting for the mets-- David delmardo.

What's she doing now with the--

ah, that's the, uh-- that's the spitter.

Wets-- wets her fingers, you see.

Then she appears to dry them on her cap,

but she's not 'cause she has vaseline under there.

Strike three! You're out!

Strike three! You're out!

Take it easy on the first few batters.

I want to see how our infield handles balls.

[Announcer] Carl paranski, number six--

the cool, calm paranski shift!

You're holding up the game.

Let's get back in the box.

[Cheering]

Forget it, forget it. Forget it, Miguel.

No.

Strike three!

[Buttermaker] Come on, guys! Pay attention!

They can't win if they don't score!

[Shouting]

Nice work, engelberg. Good game.

Nice going, Tanner.

Two, four, six, eight!

Who do we appreciate?

Lupus, you dumb spaz, we would have won if it weren't for you!

Come on, leave him alone. Will you cut that out?

Let's not have any shoving.

Now cut that out! Move over.

All I know is, when we win a game, it's a team win.

When we lose a game, it's a team loss.

Now, on Friday, we play the white sox.

Now, what does that mean to you guys?

[All] Bad news for the white sox!

Damn right.

Look alive out there. Let's look alive.

I got it!

No, you don't! It's over the fence!

Hey! Hey, punk!

[Starts engine] I thought i--

[revving] I thought I told you to quit hanging around!

Jumpin' catfish!

What a great arm! Who is that kid, anyway?

Of course he's got a great arm. He's the best athlete in the area.

But you don't understand--

that's Kelly leak.

You guys talking about Kelly leak? Yeah.

That dude is a bad mother.

You're talking about a loan shark.

I borrowed a nickel from him last week.

He said if I didn't give him a dime by Friday, he'd break my arm.

Es UN bandido.

I don't know what he's talking about, but I like him. He's got balls.

Why screw around guys? If the guy can play ball, he can play ball.

Let's get him on the team.

[Shouting]

[Crowd sighs]

Want to go again? No.

Anybody else?

Saw you throw the ball the other day. Got a great arm.

So-so.

We could use a good outfielder on our team.

You call what you got a team?

What you got against baseball anyway?

The baseball you guys play is for faggots and old farts...

Who don't have anything better to do with themselves.

You must like those kind of guys.

You sure do hang around the field often enough.

There's nice ass at the field. That's why I hang around there.

I hear you like to gamble.

We go a dollar a game here.

Serve it.

I don't want to play for money.

If I win, you play baseball for the bears.

- And if I win? - Name it.

[Pinball machines dinging]

Well, how did it go?

I lost.

What? You said you were supposed to be so good at those games.

I am good! He's just better at it!

That's the last time I ever listen to you.

8:00 Friday night.

What's that? Nothing.

What's 8:00 Friday night?

I lost that game,

so I gotta go to the rolling stones concert with the creep.

That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of.

11-year-old girls don't go out on dates.

Of course they do. Where you been?

They don't go out with people like that.

Boy, you take the cake. First you blow the game,

then you get roped into a date with an ex-con.

You're like a chimney. I'm sick of it.

Start the car, and let's go.

Probably lost on purpose.

You probably like the little baboon.

Blow it out your bunghole!

What if he tries something, uh--

I'll handle it.

Rolling stones. 11 years old.

I know an 11-year-old girl who's on the pill.

Don't ever say that word again.

Jesus, just who in the heck do you think you are?

Your goddamn manager, that's who.

Big wow.

Lupus, could you go somewhere else while I'm eating?

You make me sick.

Cripes.

Hey, lupus, man, how's it going?

Give it! What do you need it for? You hardly ever play anyways.

Sit down. We was only kidding anyways.

Ha ha ha ha!

That looks neat, man.

We ought to do that to all the bears. They might play better.

[Laughing]

Hey, Joey, you hungry? You want my burrito?

I wouldn't eat your burrito if you paid me to.

Aw, go on. Take it. That's the best way to eat it.

You little--

I'm going to kill you!

I'm going to knock your head down so far you're gonna have to take off your hat!

I'm going to beat the crud out of you.

I'll take on all the Yankees after this.

I'm going to kick your butt, you little shit.

You owe me 30 cents for that burrito.

You little shit.

That's one bear down, 11 to go.

Come to think of it, they ain't worth it.

Thanks. Nobody ever stuck up for me before.

Well, lupus, if you wiped your nose once in a while,

people wouldn't give you so much crud all the time.

[Buttermaker yelling]

How many times you got to be told to quit hanging around here?

I'm just sitting here. This field is for ballplayers,

not for juvenile delinquents.

I can play baseball better than anybody in this league.

It's a shame we're never going to find that out.

Nobody here wants anything to do with you.

Now get the hell out of here. Come on, get out of here.

[Engine starts]

There's something I forgot to tell you guys-- it's a league rule.

Cups and supporters--

[all groaning] Do we have to?

Got to be worn at all times.

They're very uncomfortable.

Well, either you wear them, or you don't play.

Can we stop this already?

We got another hour of practice.

No me voy a poner esto. Esto duele. What?

What are you saying? I've been brushing up on my Spanish of late,

and I think he's saying something about his being a catholic and it's a sin.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

It's not a gas mask. I know what it is.

This is a free country. Let's be Democratic and take a vote.

- There will be no vote, engelberg. - What about Amanda?

You ain't strapping one of these things on me.

If she don't wear one, I don't wear one.

Yeah! yeah! Yeah!

[Tanner] Anyway, it's too small.

If she doesn't wear one, neither do I.

What are you doing here?

Some asshole changed my mind.

A little harder, huh?

Who's this Turkey think he is, Mickey mantle?

Rifle one.

They win one lousy game,

next thing you know, they'll sue for the right to play in dodger stadium.

[Talking and yelling]

Engelberg!

Engelberg! Did you take my hamburger? No!

Hey, would you shut up? Right on my punch line.

I pledge allegiance to the flag...

Of the United States of america...

And to the republic for which it stands--

one nation, under god, indivisible,

with Liberty and justice for all.

I just get an eight count here.

I know, but it's okay. I got the whole thing figured out.

This is what I do. I take my two outfielders, Henry and Thor,

play them right and left center.

Oh, would you stop it! You're embarrassing yourself.

Three of my white sox have got the flu.

I've got a goddamn little Jesus freak in Bakersfield at a revival meeting.

I am sorry!

The white sox are gonna have to forfeit the game.

It's a forfeit.

The white sox have to forfeit.

All right!

Two, four, six, eight!

Who do we appreciate?

White sox! White sox!

Yay!

Can't this thing go any faster? Sure.

[Accelerating]

Would you look at that?

I can't help it. I really hate that kid.

Out!

Out!

Shit!

He's out.

Uhh!

[Groans]

Stop it! Somebody's hurt!

[Moaning]

Ow. Right in the balls.

Hey, give him some air. Come on, now.

Get back to the dugout.

He got hit in the balls.

Cleveland! Stretcher!

A stretcher for his balls?

Let him stretch out. That must hurt.

Buttermaker, do I have to go?

No. We're just going to get you checked out.

No. I want to go play.

We have to check you. It's a sensitive area.

I want to play.

[Buttermaker] Don't worry. You'll play.

Buttermaker, you better start worrying...

About your team finishing the season in one piece...

Instead of trying to get in the play-offs.

I just pray he's wearing his cup.

♪♪ [Classical on piano] One, two, two, two, three, two, four, two,

ready to go back.

One, two, two, two, three, two, four, two,

ready to go back.

One, two, two, two, three, two, four, two,

ready to go back.

One, two, two, two, three, two, four, two,

and bow.

Very good. Very good.

Would you like a piece of chicken?

Would you turkeys blow on out of here?

I will not allow this!

Engelberg, the white sox beat the mets!

We're talking championships.

Young man, I am teaching a class here.

You ain't doin' a very good job of it.

No one here can dance worth bat turds.

Tanner, get the hell out of here!

I will kill you! Out! Go!

[Clamoring continues]

I'm hitting .841. I'm on the bears.

You live around here?

I got a Harley-Davidson.

Does that turn you on-- Harley-Davidson?

I don't have to remind you who we'll be playing in the championship tomorrow...

After we beat these athletics today.

I got one last question. Let's see who can answer it.

What does this game mean to the athletics? Ahmad?

It means a hell of a lot of badass news for the athletics.

Let's go! Kelly. Kelly.

I want you handling the ball

as much as possible out there today.

This game is too damn important for us.

Any ball you get near, go for it.

Way to go!

[Announcer] And so, at the top of the third inning,

the bears are leading 1-0 over the athletics.

Hey, Tanner, does he go to the bathroom for you too?

Hey! Tanner!

[Announcer] Now batting, Tom McKay, number ten, third base.

What you doing?

Sorry.

We got nine men out here, you know? Yeah. Okay.

[Announcer] Batting for the athletics, Keith mirron,

number three, left field.

[Announcer] Going into the last half of the sixth and last inning,

the score is tied two and two.

When I give you an order, I expect you to follow it.

You're up first this inning. Grab yourself a goddamn bat.

Let's get the run back.

And now batting for the bears,

number three, Kelly leak.

Strike!

Strike two!

That was a ball, you stupid ump!

Again?

0-2, and Stein is up next.

Time.

What's the matter with you?

What are you doing?

You trying to win this thing or not?

I'll put Miguel in. At least he'll try.

Just get out of here and let me hit,

coach.

All right. Let's go!

[Cheering]

That's the way to go.

Kelly!

Congratulations.

Give me ten!

[Announcer] We have the final score.

Bears-- three runs, four hits, three errors.

Athletics-- two runs, five hits--

see you tomorrow at the big game. Thank you.

I was really scared for a minute there.

He's just a rotten ball hog.

Yeah. I'll see you tomorrow.

Does anybody want to go for a ride?

Want to go for a ride, Timmy?

Okay, let's get your elbow in there.

The water sure is cold. Don't worry about it.

Will you listen to me and forget the elbow?

Got to hold down the swelling. It's not that bad.

Buttermaker? All right. Shoot.

I invited my mom to the game tomorrow. You did? That's nice.

It's the last game of the year. Fine, fine, fine.

Got a big surprise for you after too--

we're all going to dinner. What?

After that, we're going to the drive-in movie. It's a double feature.

Let's play it by ear, see how things go tomorrow. Please don't try to blow it.

She wasn't too keen on it at first. I had to work hard to get it set up.

Yeah. I bet you did.

I don't think it's a very good idea, Amanda.

No excuses, boilermaker.

It's all fixed and I'm paying, so you can't cry poor. Yes, but listen--

last Sunday I made a killing. A guy wanted to wallpaper his bathroom...

And bought 35 maps.

Amanda, you know damn well that your mother and I don't get along.

So we're not going to dinner or a movie or anywhere else together.

Do you understand? Just keep your elbow in the water.

Then just you and I will go. Yeah, right.

You and I will take the whole team out and get some hamburgers.

Well, I was just thinking us. Just us, no outsiders.

Well, then, maybe we could go horseback riding or something, or maybe to a matinee.

Yeah. We'll see. How does it feel?

Why do you always change the subject?

You're always pulling that number.

The subject is your arm. You're pitching tomorrow.

But what about after tomorrow?

After tomorrow, we do what all ballplayers do--

we shake hands till we see each other next season,

then we go fishing or hunting, make some personal appearances,

get to know the wife and kids again.

I don't have a wife and kids.

Neither do I, but I got my pools to clean.

You got your maps to sell and your ballet to learn.

I could help you with your pools.

Cut it out, Amanda. No, it wouldn't be like you're taking me anywhere.

It would be like work. You could use the help. No, I couldn't!

And besides, you shouldn't be wasting your time cleaning pools.

Look, Amanda, you're a terrific kid.

You shouldn't be hanging around with me.

I'm an old, broken-down, third-rate ballplayer. I like to drink too much.

I like to smoke my cigars without anybody bothering me, including you.

I'm happy that way.

I'm a bum.

No, you're not. You taught me how to pitch.

Goddamn it! Can't you get it through your thick head I don't want your company?

If I did, I would have looked you up two years ago.

Did you ever think of that?

If that's the way you feel, fine.

[Opens beer can]

Hi, Amanda.

[Announcer] Will children under the age of 18...

Please don't occupy the seats in the stands...

Until all the adults are seated.

Ogilvie. Hey, Kelly.

Hey, Ahmad. You, me and Tanner will play three-way.

Does anybody mind if I warm up too?

We didn't think you needed anybody but yourself to play catch with.

Just cool it, runt.

Hey!

Hey, hey, hey!

What the hell is going on here?

What the hell's the matter with you? Kelly's a crud.

He's been hogging the ball in all these games and we're sick of it.

He's not the only reason we got this far.

If you played better, he wouldn't have to cover up for you.

Look, woman, don't you be telling us how to play. Yeah!

Let that Turkey loose. I'll chew his ears off and stick them back in his face.

You're acting like a bunch of babies! Now, cut it out.

Nobody has to worry anymore because I'm quitting.

No, you're not. You came this far.

You're going the rest of the way.

If it's yesterday you're worried about, blame me.

I'm the one who told Kelly to cover for you.

Why?

"Why?" what do you mean, why?

We're in the championship, aren't we?

Well, that's what you wanted, wasn't it?

Now, just behave yourselves and act like men.

Come on. The Yankees have got the field now. Let's get back to the dugout.

I'm not gonna talk about winning. I'm gonna talk about losing.

'Cause if you guys lose this game,

each and every one of you,

you're going to have to live with it.

You're about the best team I ever coached.

Play a good game.

First up for the Yankees, number one,

Chris love, left field.

Put 'em down in order-- one, two, three.

[Buttermaker] Come on! You want to win, don't you?

That's what you showed up for, every damn one of you!

Let's go! Let's go!

[Buttermaker] Come on, Ahmad!

Hurry! Throw it home!

Did you see that, ump?

Hey, that's not allowed!

Hey, hey! Enough of that!

Break it up!

Hey! Break it up!

All right, you mother, see if you can kick my ass!

How's your chest feel?

I know I don't have too much up there,

but what I've got...

Sure don't feel too good right now.

I didn't need your help, you know.

I know.

I could have taken all those guys myself.

Yeah.

Those Yankees are real turds.

They sure are.

Turner, you better cut out that cheap crap.

Cheap crap? We're playing clean, hard baseball.

You call spiking an 11-year-old girl--

spiking? The umpire called it safe. My team plays by the book.

All right, pus-head. You got any crying to do, cry to the umpire.

Get back to your dugout. Maybe your team could use your help,

but I doubt it.

All right, Eddie!

You guys play by the book, I know you do.

One ball, two strikes, one out!

Strike three! You're out of there.

Joe, you better pitch better than you're hitting. Or I'm gonna take you right out.

Turner, she's going to ram it down your throat!

Andy, what the hell's the matter with you?

Unless you can play ball, you go on home!

You run out every hit!

I don't care if he had you beat by a mile!

2-0.

Ball.

Way to go, Ahmad. He's going to walk you.

He can't find the plate.

Way to go!

And now batting for the bears,

number three, Kelly leak, center field.

What the hell is the matter with you? You don't swing at a 3-and-0 pitch.

Are you crazy?

Get in there and never do that again. It was right where--

shut up. I don't want to hear any excuses. Get in there.

Come on, Kelly.

Joey!

Ball one.

Hey, pus-head! Are you crazy?

An intentional walk with the bases empty?

This is baseball, not backgammon.

My first baseman is lonely.

Rudi. What?

The first inside pitch you get, lean into it and let it hit you.

You want to win the game, don't you? I don't want to get hurt.

All right. But you want to win the game. Yeah.

Engelberg is up after you. We need runs. He's been murdering the ball lately.

Do as I tell you.

Let's get on, rudi.

Ball one.

That's the way to take it. Ball one.

Let's get on, rudi.

Take your base.

Rudi, take your base, boy.

Everybody moves! Everybody!

Come on. Let's get a hit, engelberg.

Well, well, well, if it isn't "engelpuke."

How would you like me to stick this bat where the sun never shines?

- Sit on it, fat ass. - Shove it.

Ease up, Joey. Throw, baby.

Ground-rule double.

Stein, get back. Get back.

It's a ground-rule double.

You can't score from first base.

Hey, Turner, why don't you build a fence for players instead of chickens?

Keep that finger out, engelpuke, and I'll bust it off.

[Announcer] Jimmy feldman for the bears.

[Engelberg] Come on, come on. You're holding up the game.

[Buttermaker] Go! Go! Go!

Throw the ball, Chris.

Go! Go!

- He's safe. - One out.

You posing for a picture? You in love with that ball or something?

[Announcer] End of the first inning.

The bears lead 2-1 over the Yankees.

[Applause]

Safe.

What? He was out by a mile.

What, do you think you got to kiss ass around here...

Because they been here longer than us?

There's two teams here, umpire. Two teams, not one.

Don't turn your back on me. What, are you a friend of Roy Turner's?

You going to call like that all day, let us know now. We may as well go home.

Get a pair of glasses.

No. I don't want to. Stein, we're still in the game.

This hurts. I don't like it.

You don't have to get hit in the back. Get hit in the arm or legs.

Don't make it obvious. Go ahead.

Rudi Stein, number ten.

James Henry won't take curveballs.

Buttermaker, you better take Amanda out now. She's hurting pretty bad.

Yeah, I know, but she wants to play.

If you don't take her out, she'll throw her arm out.

- Who's managing this team, you or me? - You.

Then shut up and play your position. Let me worry about the team's health.

What do you want me to do, put in rudi Stein?

[Ogilvie] You know how he hits.

He always swings from the hip.

Then comes Chris love.

Strike.

You're out.

I told you not to swing, you idiot!

Get back here! Move it!

Hey, Stein, get back in here!

Goddamn it, you stupid--

[announcer] Yankees two, bears two.

Everybody, sit down. Come on. Sit down.

Sit down, engelberg.

What the hell is the matter with you?

Next time I tell you to do something, goddamn it,

you do it or else you're off this team.

And the rest of you, what's the matter with you?

All season long, you've been laughed at, crapped on!

Now you've got a chance to spit it back in their faces.

And what do you do? You're out there like a bunch of dead fish, not listening,

bonehead plays, mistakes.

I mean, don't you want to beat those bastards?

All right.

Get out there now and do the best you can.

Let's go, Joey!

Strike two!

What are you swinging at? That was a ball, Joey!

Strike!

Second time in a row. Second time in a row you struck out.

Slide!

Safe!

[Announcer] Now, ladies and gentlemen, the end of the top of the fifth.

The score is three for the Yankees and two for the bears.

Well, well, well. If it isn't engelpuke again.

Shove it, Turner.

That's the way, engelberg!

Foul ball. That's outside the line. Foul ball.

This is the kid that got the double last time, right? Yeah.

He almost whacked that right out of the ballpark, so don't give him anything to hit at.

Low and outside. You got it?

Just pitch them low and outside. But--

low and outside. But, dad, I wanted to strike him out.

All right. Play ball!

Let's go, engelberg!

[Crowd booing]

Boy, that was close to my head!

Time! Time!

What's this, beanball?

You tried to hit him, didn't you?

No. It just got away.

Don't lie to me!

You tried to hit him.

You son of a bitch.

He tried to bean him. He could have killed that kid.

You know why he threw it. I told him to throw it low and outside.

Oh!

He could have killed that kid.

[Buttermaker] Go, engelberg!

Throw the ball, Joey!

He's not throwing it! Go!

Throw the ball, Joey.

Go! Go!

What are you doing? Throw it!

They just tied it up.

Billy, your arm feel okay?

Take the mound. Chris, right field.

Harriet!

Thirteen, second base.

One, right field. The score is now 3-3.

This is the last inning.

Tanner, Toby, regi, and Jimmy,

you're sitting on the bench.

Ogilvie, lupus,

uh, Miguel, and Jose, you take their place.

[Everyone shouting]

Mr. Buttermaker, if I go in, we lose the game.

As it is now, we still have a chance.

A damn good chance, so be on your toes.

Now get the hell out of here.

Ogilvie will be sitting there,

putting in his asthma medicine.

It's not my fault.

Gee!

Why don't we just forfeit?

What did they do,

give him a six-pack before the game?

Mr. Buttermaker, I don't know about you, but I want to win,

so don't send me in.

Listen, lupus, you didn't come into this life...

Just to sit around on a dugout bench, did you?

Get your ass out there and do the best you can.

[Announcer] Your attention, please. Parents and friends,

this is the last game of the championship play-offs.

Let's give the little folks a big hand.

They really deserve it.

Something's wrong with Amanda.

I think I'd better get in a relief pitcher.

Buttermaker?

Oh, hiya, whitewood.

Could I talk to you for a minute?

We're busy. We got a championship game here.

I'm aware of that.

I've got to talk to you.

Yeah?

Listen, is it really necessary to send in that lupus kid now? He hasn't played yet.

I know that, buttermaker, but we've still got a chance.

Everybody on my team gets a chance to play.

Come on, don't give me that righteous bullshit!

These kids have gone through too much for you to throw it away now.

We've got a chance to win.

You started this thing so all the boys would have a chance to play baseball.

I know why I started this! Not only your boy, but all the boys.

Look, little boys hurt easily,

or maybe you haven't been watching...

What's been going on here this afternoon. Get back to the stands...

Before I shave off half your mustache and shove it up your left nostril.

All right. Let's go, let's go.

Hold it!

Time!

Time.

Okay, Amanda, that's it.

There's three more outs, boilermaker,

so get lost.

Rudi!

[Amanda] I'm warning you.

Okay, rudi, you're pitching.

Amanda, get out in left field.

We have no more reserves.

If only my knuckler had been working,

I would have brought those turkeys down.

We still got a chance.

Come on. They're doing terrible.

Put us back in.

Don't worry about it.

Okay, Mike.

Don't worry. We'll catch them.

7-3.

Congratulations.

Looks like the championship is in the bag, huh?

That's great, huh? That's great.

Come on, lupus! Catch it for once!

He caught it!

If everybody gets a hit, we win the game. But we need five runs.

Five runs? Easy. No chance.

What's everybody moping about?

Stein, you're up, aren't you? Yeah.

Grab a cruddy bat.

Watch your fingers. Let's go, Stein. Come on!

[Turner] He's going for two!

Out.

Two to go, Billy. We got two to go.

Grab a helmet and get in the on-deck circle.

I'm sorry.

What are you sorry about?

That was nice hustle. Good try.

Put it there. I like that.

Okay, Billy, two to go.

She's got a sore arm!

You're out.

All right. One to go, Billy.

Two out. Two out. One to go.

Okay. One out to go, and then to pizza hut.

All right. Batter up.

[Announcer] Now batting, number nine, Albert Ogilvie. You're holding up the game.

What's the matter, Ogilvie? The plate is over there.

Well, without going into much detail, I'm 0 for 14 this season.

Aside from Timmy lupus,

I'm probably the worst player in this league.

Would you do me a favor, Ogilvie?

Just shut up and get up to the plate and try to hit the ball.

Come on, batter. Let's go.

Okay, Mr. Buttermaker.

Strike one.

Okay, Billy, bear down now.

One out to go, babe.

Never seen you like this, Ogilvie.

Sure ain't like algebra, is it?

Just put it over. He ain't swingin'.

That's the way. You got a piece of it.

The count is 0-2.

Ball.

Glad you all came.

Frankly, I'm surprised the little marshmallows did this well, huh?

2 and 2.

Ball. Okay! All right!

The count is full.

Come on, Billy!

Lose control or something? Come on, Billy, don't walk this man.

Ball four. Take your base.

Go Ogilvie! On to first, boy!

Okay!

He walked him.

Get down there!

All right!

[Buttermaker] That's the way to go. Come on, Ahmad.

This is for Allah. And it's going way out there, sucker.

Let's go, Steve. Get it, Steve!

Go! Go! All right!

Beauty!

He beat him with a bunt.

That's a smart play, Ahmad!

[Announcer] Now batting, number seven, Miguel agilar, second base.

Ball.

That's it. Way to look.

I know he's small, Billy. Pitch it lower.

Ball.

All right, Miguel. Way to go.

Ball, inside.

3-0.

Ball four. Take your base.

All right, Miguel!

[Turner] You all right, Billy?

[Announcer] Now batting, number three, Kelly leak, center field.

Billy.

Hey, Turner!

What the hell are you doing, walking a man with the bases loaded?

You're putting the tying run on first base,

you imbecile!

Couldn't manage a food store. He's managing a baseball team. Let's go.

[Crowd booing]

[Man] What's the matter? You can't pitch to him?

Come on!

You're out!

Engelberg. Regi.

What's this? We're celebrating.

Why are we celebrating? Because you should be damn proud of yourselves.

- I'll drink to that. - Skoal.

Would you cool it with the beer? I got a photographer here from the L.A. times.

I would have gotten champagne, but you don't pay me enough to manage this team.

Who didn't get a beer? You're paying him?

No, he's joking. Don't drink that.

Hey, buttermaker, maybe next spring, you'll teach me to hit.

You bet.

Buttermaker, this is your second-place trophy.

Congratulations. Thank you, sir.

I know we had our differences, but at least we settled it right here on the ball field.

My boys would like to say something to your team.

We just wanna say you guys played a good game.

And we treated you pretty unfair all season. We want to apologize.

We still don't think you're all that good a baseball team,

but you got guts, all of you.

Come on. Let's give them a cheer.

Ready? Okay.

Two! Four! Six! Eight! Who do we appreciate?

Bears! Bears! Yay!

Hey, Yankees! You can take your apology and your trophy...

And shove it straight up your ass!

And another thing-- just wait till next year.

Yay! yay!

♪♪ [Chorus singing march in Italian]

♪♪ [Ends]