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Ladies and gentleman,

the man you've been waiting for.

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

All set?

Ladies and gentleman,

the man you've been waiting for.

Comedy Central presents,

"Kevin James: Sweat the Small Stuff."

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the star

of the hit television series, "The King of Queens,".

New York's own Kevin James.

Oh, thank you, New York!

Wow.

Oh, what's going on, people?

All right, great to be back here in New York, man.

Miss it. It's my hometown.

Love it here. Love it.

Tell you what the best thing about it is the pizza.

Gotta be the best in the world here in New York, yeah.

Yeah.

I had it tonight.

I had it tonight. You know what sucked, though?

I had to share it with other people.

Way too much pressure

when you're all eating from the same pie,

especially when the slices start getting lower and lower.

You gotta look around the room, do that pizza math or...

All right, he already had two slices right there.

He should be out at this point right now.

What the hell is she doing? What is this?

Finish the crust! That doesn't count!

I hate when it comes down to two slices.

One slice is like, huge.

And there's like a little mutant sliver slice next to it.

Never really made it.

The guy went a little too quick with the wheel.

Went, "Hey, there's your pizza! All right!"

I never get the big slice either.

Someone's always like, "Hey, I'll take the big one."

Okay, I'll get it for you, you...

I make it up in cheese, though.

Oh, the cheese fell off! I don't know what happened.

Sorry about that.

I was separating it from the other pieces and she slid off.

I don't know how.

Sorry, I don't even know...

Here and enjoy your skin flap. That's for you.

That piece that looks like my ass if it caught fire

and someone put it out with an old T-shirt is yours.

I don't like surprises in my pizza.

I hate that. They annoy me.

I get my pizza home, I open the box.

There's a little plastic white ottoman in the middle.

What, am I gonna put my feet up while I eat? What?

Slow down with the furniture. That's what I say.

Little things like that annoy me.

Like, I love the delis here in New York.

Great delis here in the city, too.

Unbelievable delis. Yeah.

Yeah, you can applaud for a deli.

Yeah, great. But you know what stinks?

Every time I'm always online,

I'm always stuck behind the construction guy

ordering for like the, whole site.

"Yeah, how you doing?

Give me 48 coffees, 98 bagels, three bags of Funyuns,

a box of Ring Dings, 96 Slim Jims."

Ah!

Ah!

Let's go, let's go!

How big are muffins gonna get

before we all join hands across America?

They're huge.

Have you walked in?

"Yeah, I'll take a coffee and oh my God!"

Yeah, I'll have the bean bag chair with raisins.

Oh, you got it?

Oh, I got it. I got it.

Whoo, yeah!

All right, can't believe this is fat-free!

Whoo!

All right, hey, you want to help me to the trunk of my car?

No, leave the saran wrap on it.

"I'll cover my pool. This is good."

See, that's the thing with muffins.

Muffins used to be like the size of a cupcake.

No more, right?

Now it's either the very big muffin or the mini muffin.

What is with...

Yeah, they fill me right up, right?

It's like taking aspirin.

All right, I got a mini muffin. All right.

These are good. These are good.

Oh, no, I like 'em. They're good, they're good.

They're really good, yeah.

Hey, I think I got a blueberry in that one.

I got a blueberry.

Little things like that will annoy me.

They just tick me off, you know?

Like this bothered me, and it probably shouldn't have,

but I was at a Met game.

I'm a Met fan, and I was watching.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've heard of 'em. Yeah.

Whatever, whatever.

I'm at the game. It's not the point.

I'm at the game, and they sit me next to a guy,

and he's eating an apple.

First of all, does that not piss you off right there?

Guy eating an apple in Shea Stadium.

You shouldn't be allowed fruit in a ballpark, first of all.

It's like beer, hot dogs, you know, peanuts,

and maybe the little ice cream in a helmet.

That's about it.

This guy's eating fruit, you know?

And you know what the problem was,

he was eating it way too long. He was like way too into it.

He's like.

He's like flipping it over, trying to find the good part.

"Oh, look at that, I got a little..."

It's like, "Dude, they're 39 cents a bag. Let it go!"

Grab another one. It's fruit, Frederick.

"Jeez!"

This is embarrassing.

I was in the hotel tonight, and I was coming down here.

And I got on the elevator,

and there were other people on the elevator.

But then the elevator stopped at my floor,

so I did that move to the front of the elevator.

But then the doors didn't open right away.

Come on, open up, open up. This looks really bad.

I look really bad.

You're like, you're just, "Oh God."

"Oh please, open up." You don't know what to do.

You're like, "I gotta step back.

I've made a commitment already. Step back now.

You look foolish."

I always get embarrassed on elevators.

First of all, I always expect it to go right to my floor.

I don't know why. I'm always expecting the lobby.

And I always get out too quick.

Hey!

But now I'm too embarrassed to go back.

You're like, "No, this is what I wanted."

I wanted to be here. This is...

Yeah, this is where I wanted to be. I wanted to be here.

I wanted to be here. No, I wanna be here.

"This is where I wanna be. Leave me alone, people!"

And the people on know you screwed up.

They're like, "Sure you don't wanna get back on?"

No, I want the basement.

I need a towel bin. I need a towel bin.

And I'm gonna check the pipes.

Get away! Go, go!

Ladies and gentlemen,

the man you've been waiting for.

This annoyed me.

You ever have someone start talking to you mid-sentence?

Someone you don't even know?

I'm on line at the bank, the guy next to me, "Boy!

Thursday was cloudy!"

Who the hell are you?

Don't you hate that

when you know someone's gonna talk to you?

I don't like that.

You can tell when someone's gonna talk to you, too.

If they walk in the room, they don't have to say a word.

You're like, "No.

This guy's definitely gonna talk to me.

I can tell he's gonna come to me any second. He's a chatter.

I can tell these chatters."

You can tell the chatter people too.

They're very happy people.

They're excited to be wherever they are.

They usually know everybody's name.

Also, usually jingling change like, "Oh yeah, Bobby!"

Tommy! How's it going there, Frankie?

Hey, Lorin, how you doing there, man? What's going on, man?

It's good to see you! That's some game the other day, huh?

"The weather's..."

Oh, crap. He's coming to me.

He is coming to me any second.

I try to look busy, you know? But I'm on line at the bank.

I don't know how you look busy

on line at the bank, you know?

It's like, "Maybe if I look

like I have to go to the bathroom,

he won't talk to me, you know?"

All right, it's working,

but now I have to go to the bathroom.

I have a whole new set of problems now.

Oh, I don't enjoy the bank. I hate going to the bank.

I'm always in a rush when I go to the bank.

I'm never prepared either.

I never have one of those checking deposit slips on me.

I have to fill it out there.

You start filling it out.

You see someone else walk in the bank,

you have that little anxiety attack? You know like...

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, nope. No, drop the pen.

No, no. Drop it, no.

Drop the pen, lady!

No, I'm not gonna be last in line

'cause I'm having a problem spelling 13, okay?

I hate being the only one in the bank, too. That sucks.

You still gotta walk through the ropes.

How smart do you feel then, right? Hey!

Yeah, hi.

Go around? Okay, all right.

I'm gonna make it deposit when I get to the front area.

That's what I'm...

I'll talk to you in a minute. I'll talk to you in a minute.

This is, all right, yeah.

They should have a guy handing out cups of water.

All right, thank you. All right, good.

There better be a hunk of cheese at the end of this maze.

I'll tell you that much.

I didn't realize this either,

but there's a line on the floor at the end of the ropes

that you're not allowed to cross

unless the bank teller nods you over.

If you've ever walked right up to 'em,

they freak out, right?

Hey, how you doing? They go, "Sir, get back!"

Sir, get back! You can't come up here yet!

I am not ready, sir! We're busy!

"We will nod you over when we are ready to go!"

It's even worse at the airport. When you go to the airport,

there's like a million ticket agents

lined up for like a quarter mile long.

I don't like being next on line there.

There's way too much pressure there.

Everybody's pumped up, they're all going on vacation,

they're all looking at you, "Hey man, you're next."

Yeah, I know I'm next. Shut the hell up.

I know you're all worried.

Got my luggage, you're all ready.

I know where it's going, right?

And the ticket agent people are very impatient, right?

"Next. I'll take the next person, sir.

You're next. Right over here.

Sir, I will take you right over here, sir."

Hm? Huh?

"Sir, right over here!"

Okay, I don't freaking see you.

I don't know where you are. I don't know where you are.

Everybody's pointing, "It's over there!"

"Go there!" I don't even know.

Where do I go? Which?

"Over the other side, you..."

Sorry, I didn't know! I don't know!

I don't know where to go!

"Sir, I'm looking right at you."

Okay, that's not helping me!

Marco!

Then you're so pissed off by the time you get up there,

you don't wanna go on vacation anymore.

"Sir, did you pack your own bags?"

No, I had an Iranian guy named Phil plant a bomb in my ass.

I love the questions at the airport

'cause they make you feel real intelligent.

"Sir, do you know what's in your luggage?"

No.

I tied a sock around my eyes and I packed with my feet.

I'm thinking hot dogs and gunpowder. That's probably it.

I like when the ticket agent tells you their job too.

They give you like a play-by-play of what they're doing.

All right, it's like you care.

You don't know what they're talking about.

I was like, late for a flight and I gave her my ticket.

I was like, "Here, can you take care of this, please?"

She's like,

"Let me see what I can do."

Okay, your ticket is a code fare basis red.

Now what I can try to do it,

I can try to punch it in as a green.

Let me see if this works here.

Backspace, backspace, semicolon, capital P.

No, see, it's not accepting it, okay?

'Cause your ticket is a T-15011-6 as it stands right now.

Now what we can try to make it is a T-615411,

"but we will receive..."

Whatever!

I gotta get to the Big Apple, sister! Move it along!

Susie with the wings and the hair in a bun

and I I'm in a vest!

Punch it in and shut off!

I hate when you're on line with like, a lot of luggage.

That stinks. And then the line only moves like four feet.

Right? You're like...

I'm sorry. Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks, man. Thanks.

No, I got it, I got it, I got it. Thank you, there.

Thank you. Okay, we're good, okay.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Whew, it's a lotta luggage

for a little amount of space, isn't it?

Yeah, okay. Oh, we're moving again.

We're going again, we're going again.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the man you've been waiting for.

I'm sweating a little bit tonight.

When you're big, you don't need a reason to sweat.

You don't, right?

My friends cannot grab ahold of this concept.

They come up to me all the time, "Jeez!

The hell, what'd you do? You jumping rope in the attic?"

No, I peeled an orange

about an hour ago.

Why, what's up?

What's up?

I love air conditioning. I had it growing up.

I had an air conditioner growing up,

but I had one of those dads

who wouldn't use it all the time.

Very selective. How about today, Dad?

Please?

"Mm, no, no."

They break out that big oscillating fan

for the whole family. What a horrible invention that is.

It's like waiting for a bus, right?

Oh man, when is that cold air gonna get here?

Ah!

Boy, that was refreshing, right? That felt good.

They're like, "Ah!

I wasn't ready!"

This annoyed me. I was on the phone with somebody today

trying to get a phone number from that person

and write it down, but they didn't have phone number rhythm

and that pissed me off.

Talking about phone number rhythm,

especially if there's like an area code involved

like 212, bum-bum-ba, bum-ba-bum-ba.

That is the rhythm I think we're all familiar with.

This guy had no clue.

I was like, "Okay, Hank, give me the number."

He's like, "All right, it's 2129",

"15, 8, 11, 6, 4, 2, 5, 5, 7, 2."

Did you throw in your zip code?

'Cause I got a lotta extra numbers over here. I have extra.

I can almost start a new number. What do you got?

Start again from the top.

They really screw you up on the last four numbers.

That's where they get you, right?

555, 6.

Team 41.

Dude, I already wrote the six!

I made the dash too close.

I can't shimmy the one in there now! Forget you!

You know what else annoys me,

people leaving slow-ass, boring messages on my machine.

Unbelievable! Yeah, you come home late at night.

You gotta go to the bathroom.

You're like, "Oh, look at this. I got a message."

Oh, this could be important. I better check it out now.

Boop! "Hey..."

Kevin, how's it going, man?

It's Tim Duffy from work. What's going on, man?

Anyways, give me a call back if you get a chance.

I will be, uh...

Well, you know what, if you call at 9:15,

I should be back.

Actually, anything after 9:18, I'll be home.

Why didn't you answer?

Give me a call.

"I'm at 63175."

This is great.

Now I gotta play the whole Tim Duffy message again

from the top to try to get the number at 100 miles an hour.

That's fun when you're hunched over your machine

with like an index card and a little pen.

"65."

I got nothing on that pass.

I got absolutely nothing. I got nothing.

I got a six, four blanks, a four and then I'm out.

I'm out again. I don't know what to do.

I got a freaking G! I got a G.

Timmy gave me a G!

So many things like that annoy me.

This annoyed me too 'cause little things

will make me happy as well.

You know, like I was going through,

I think it was like a Taco Bell.

It was late at night and I'm going through the drive-through

and the guy was like, "Okay, 7.12. Pull around."

And I got excited 'cause I had exact change.

So I'm like, "That'll make me happy."

But then I went to hand it to him,

and I dropped a dime between the seats.

I was like, "Mother!"

Now I gotta do this move for 20 minutes.

Oh, my God, I'm in.

Oh, come on, man. Oh, come on.

Oh, I can see the freaking ridges. I can see 'em.

"Sir, you're gonna have to pull up."

I'm gonna have to tell you to shut up, Anthony.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the man you've been waiting for.

That's good.

This is all a sign. It's all a sign to me.

I gotta get in shape, I gotta do that.

I do, I either gotta get in shape

or hope ponchos come back in style.

I don't like weight loss advice

'cause you get weight loss advice from like everybody.

Everybody thinks they got the secret.

Yeah, people coming up to me all the time,

"You know what you gotta do, you gotta chew sugarless gum.

That's your problem right there."

Yeah, 'cause my ass got fat from Bazooka.

That's...

That's where I veered right there.

You ever get weight loss advice

from someone bigger than you?

"You know what you gotta do..."

Yeah, not listen to your fatter ass, for starters.

You know what it comes down to?

My fitness goals are different than most people's.

That's it. That's what I've assessed.

Seriously, that's it 'cause most people

want to lose enough weight

so that they look good in a bathing suit

or they want to lower their cholesterol.

I just want to lose enough so that my stomach doesn't jiggle

when I brush my teeth.

That's it. Then it's just maintenance from there on out.

Look, you notice I have an emotional attachment to food.

I get excited when my food's like, coming at a restaurant.

Do you get a little pumped up?

I could be talking to someone

and then you see it coming out of the corner of your eye.

You're like...

I have like a little party in my head. I'm like, "Yes!"

First, you're not sure.

You gotta make sure you recognize an item that you ordered.

Oh, yeah, the onion fritters. Okay.

And you gotta act like you're in the conversation.

Really, you lost your job? That's horrible.

Oh, oh.

Yes.

Then when it finally does arrive, you just act surprised.

Whoa, foods here. I didn't even know.

That's great. All right.

Well, I guess we should eat now.

I just love fast food. I can't get enough of it.

You know like, I love McDonald's.

But the problem is I'm in my 30s now.

I can't eat it like I used to.

You know, I was in high school,

I could eat like three Big Macs,

finish out the day like a hummingbird.

I had one Big Mac the other day.

I felt like a grizzly bear that got shot in the ass

with like a sedative dart, you know?

"Sir, you can't lie down. It's a McDonald's."

Can't be in good shape when you wanna take a nap

halfway through your Big Mac, right?

So they tell me to keep active, that's it.

"Keep active, go out, keep active,

do what you gotta do, but keep moving."

So I'm trying different stuff.

Went down to Florida for a little bit,

did some water skiing.

Anybody try water skiing?

I tried water skiing for the first time in my life.

Anybody do it?

You like it?

Yeah, I didn't like it.

A lot of work. It's like, not that much fun, actually.

I didn't know how much work was involved.

You gotta put the big vest on,

you gotta get in the water, put your skis on,

put your gloves on, grab that handle,

straighten out that rope, brace yourself.

You're like, "Okay, I'm ready! Go!"

Boom, I'm down.

They gotta pull the boat around,

they gotta locate my bathing suit, yeah.

I got it! I got it!

I got it.

She was on the inside. I got her.

I got her. Stop looking, I got it!

I wasn't the brightest either

'cause I was like the only guy going for the first time.

Everybody else, they all knew what they were doing.

That's kinda discouraging

when you can actually hear them on the boat.

This sucks. He's down again!

I didn't invite him. You invited him.

Then they turn around. They try to help you out.

Try, look, try and stand up!

Oh, is that the idea?

I thought I was supposed to be dragged through the water

with my mouth open!

Stand up? Oh, okay, yeah!

Oh, thank you, God.

That's the worst part about it because after you wipe out,

you're just floating there in that water,

waiting for your friends to circle around and pick you up.

You ever been way out there just?

No, I don't like this at all, no.

This is embarrassing too.

I found out I scream exactly the same

if a great white is like, gonna attack me

or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

There's a moment I want back right there.

Like, "Get me in the boat!"

"What's the matter?" "Yucky toes!

"Something touched me."

Ladies and gentlemen,

the man you've been waiting for.

Just be honest with people.

If you don't know what you're doing, like in a sport

or you're just starting, be honest.

You know, "Hey, I never went water skiing before and I suck.

Should I go?" "No, no, you shouldn't, no".

"All right, thanks for the honesty. Appreciate it."

Like, I went on vacation once.

I met up with a bunch of people and they were like,

"Hey, you wanna go jet skiing tomorrow?"

And I'd never been jet skiing in my life,

and I should have said that.

But I was like, "Yeah, I'll go. I'm good."

They're like, "All right, great. Meet us here tomorrow."

So I meet 'em there the next day.

They all had their own jet skis.

They're like, "Where's your jet ski?"

"Oh, oh, I forgot it, I forgot it. I forgot mine."

Now I gotta rent one, which is even worse

'cause you get a piece of garbage when you rent.

And they're all bragging about theirs, right?

"Yeah, it's a Kawasaki KZ-Double-9000 Wave Humper."

Got the Humper, huh? Cool, yeah, I got a...

I got a gray one. I'll be on the gray one.

It says "rental" with a big number eight on the back.

I'll be riding the bowling shoe out there.

I'll be on the shoe.

They all take off. They're like.

They're like, gunning. I'm like, "All right!"

She's packed!

You know how embarrassing it is to wipe out going zero?

No, no!

What's up? What's up, yeah.

It's all right. It's all right.

It's a trick, I'm doing a trick. This is cool.

Once my underwear got wet too,

that was it, the day was over for me.

They all had like, professional jet ski bathing suits on.

I didn't have that.

I had like, an old pair of cutoff jeans

with like, cheap underwear I bought myself.

I have no idea what I'm doing when I buy underwear.

Hey, look at this. 38 pairs for $1!

Then I take two steps out of my house.

I feel like I have a tangled hammock

between my legs, you know?

Oh.

Oh, wow. Now I know why so many for so little.

It's pretty obvious now. This is not good times.

Mm, this is rough.

I have an underwear situation here.

Hate that when you get an underwear thing.

Worse than having your own underwear situation

is watching someone else

deal with their underwear situation.

You ever see a guy try to pick the underwear out of his ass

without using his hands like he's fooling anybody?

"Hey, honey, I think it's over here in Macy's.

I'm not sure. We'll take a look, though.

I, uh..."

Dude, what the hell was that?

What, did you turn into Elvis for a second? What the heck?

What is this move?

You're not fooling anybody with your one-cheek slider outer.

Hey, what's up, man? Everybody walks like this.

Yeah, hey.

Hey, Rob.

How's it going, man? Good to see you, good.

All right, skipping her. Skipping her to the side.

Ladies and gentlemen,

you've been waiting for.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the man you've been waiting for.

It's so hard. Relationships are tough.

It's tough to work it out with two

'cause we're two different animals, we really are.

It's difficult, you know?

And I just feel like sometimes I can't do anything right.

You don't know how to, you don't know the moods.

You don't know how to work things

and so I just try to survive.

That's all I try to do in a relationship.

Here's a little trick that I learned.

Recalling a little something

that's very unimportant at the moment,

at a later date, will do wonders.

Remember one little thing. It'll freak her out, I swear.

Like I had dinner with her at her sister's house,

and I remembered one little thing,

and I waited 'cause it was gonna come up sometime

and she brought it up.

She was like, "You know the other day,

you remember last week

when we were having dinner at my sister's house?"

Uh-huh.

"Oh yeah, yeah, when you had the little butterfly clip

in your hair with the sparkles on it?"

"You,

you remembered that?"

"Of course I remember it."

I always remember lovely little nuggets about you

"'cause I..."

You know, my girlfriend's a little off, though.

I don't know.

Yeah, she's a little bit off and I'm thinking...

So, you know, look, hey, I'm, believe me,

I am not the smartest guy in the world

and I don't claim to be by far,

but this was a little weird.

I was on the phone with her and I travel a lot.

You know, I'm here in New York now

and she was in LA, you know, at the time,

And that's where she lives.

And I was on the phone with her

and she was like, "God, I miss you."

And I was like, "Yeah, I know. I miss you too."

She's like, "I wish I could be there with you."

And I was like, "Yeah, believe me.

I wish you could be there with me too."

Then it got like, silent for like a beat.

And I got like, worried.

I was like, "Uh-oh, she's thinking about something here."

"If I only had a magic carpet."

"I'd be there in like two hours."

What?

Did you just say "magic carpet"?

If we're agreeing that she's a magic carpet,

how do you get two hours?

What, do you got a layover in Dallas? What the...

How do you get two hours with a magic carpet?

Ready for this?

"Well, I don't wanna go too fast. I don't want to fall off."

All righty then.

Can't go to the movies with her. Can not go.

Can't enjoy the movies anymore

'cause she sees every movie that comes out right away

with her friends first.

And if she likes that particular movie,

she wants to see it again with me.

Yeah, she wants to see it.

This is great for every five seconds now.

"Hey, hey, hey. Oh God, watch this part.

Watch this part."

What the hell was I doing?

Hey, look at that. I can make a dog.

I got a dog! I got a dog going.

I'm sitting in a chair facing a tremendous screen.

"Hey, watch this part."

Oh, okay.

She got mad at me. She gave me an elbow.

"I mean, really watch!"

I love the movie food.

Popcorn is the food you should have in the movie.

That's the classic movie food, popcorn.

But I only like it in the movies.

I don't like it anywhere else.

I don't like when they stick at like, sports bars, you know?

And they stick it in front of you

and then like dance clubs too.

Then you're munching on that for like 20 minutes.

You see something you like. "Hey, how you doing?

Yeah, just hanging out over here with my buddies and stuff."

That's a pretty look, right?

When you got one those shells spot welded

way on the back of your tongue.

Then we finish up at the movie. I get back in my car.

I go to unlock her door and she lifts the handle

at the exact same time I try to unlock the door

and they offset each other.

Have you been stuck in that little tug of war

for about an hour?

Yeah, give me a sec, hon.

Let go of the damn door!

Sit your ass on the curb! I will come around and let you in!

What the hell goes through her mind? I have no idea.

"Can I get in now? No, how about now?"

No, now? Should I try it now?

No, how about now? No, now?

Can I get in now? No, how about now?

No, can I get in now? How about now?

How about now? Should I try it now?

Can I get in now? How about now?

No, yet, should I try it yet? How about now?

No, can I get in now? No, it's not working.

It's not working. I'm not sitting down yet.

I'm not inside. Hurry up.

It's hot out here. I'm not inside.

"I can't get in. Harder!"

This is good, this is fun.

I got a card from my girlfriend for an anniversary.

We've been dating eight months, though. It's a little weird.

She's starting to spring anniversaries on me, you know?

You walk in the door, you have no clue.

"Do you know what today is?"

Uh...

Um...

I'm gonna say Sunday, but I'm wrong, right?

"Two weeks ago today

was the first time you kissed me at a Jiffy Lube."

I forgot to check my sticker. I apologize.

I don't love cards.

I don't think I speak for most, every man.

Right?

Do you ever get one of those really long romantic cards?

You're like,

this is like homework.

This is...

It's tough, too, 'cause we won't finish 'em.

I'm gonna be honest. We don't finish the cards we get.

We don't read 'em. We don't read 'em. I'll be honest.

And it's hard 'cause when a woman hands you a card,

they stay right there.

They lock on you, right?

They get in like a horse stance like,

"Hey, I wanna see if it hits you emotionally

like it hit me."

Men don't give cards. We don't give cards, all right?

Guy gives a card, it's like he's delivering mail.

All right, here, I got you a card.

Whatever, I don't care.

But we don't read 'em, we don't finish 'em. We don't.

We all do the same thing. We open 'em in front of you.

Right, we put on the fake smile. "Hey."

And we give that little head bob

to let you know we're finished.

All right, yeah.

You think we're reading it.

We're actually going, "One Mississippi, two Mississippi.

Oh, no, no. Yeah."

Men never know when to throw out a card either

'cause if it was up to us,

we'd throw it out pretty much immediately, right?

All right, thank you.

"What are you doing?" I was gonna hang it up.

I want to hang it up for you

so I can check it out a little bit.

I like checking it out.

Women love cards though. They love it.

My girlfriend loves it.

God, you ever give your wife or your girlfriend a card

out of the blue, too, they just freak out.

They do. Hey honey, here, I picked up some milk.

And oh yeah, I got you a card.

"Oh!"

Oh!

Oh my God!

You got me a card!

You got me a card.

You got me a card?

Do you have any idea how happy that makes me?

Apparently not. No, I didn't know.

This means you were thinking of me.

How long ago were you planning this? Like a month?

Yes.

Which is another lie, right?

Guys buy cards five minutes before we give them to you.

We fill them out at a stop sign, right?

"Yeah, I love you. Whatever, whatever."

Couple XO's on the bottom, underline a couple words, right?

Then we throw out the little brown bag

and the receipt 'cause that's evidence.

You don't wanna get caught with that.

I've been in the car.

You get back in there with your girlfriend.

Five minutes later, unexpectedly,

you didn't expect her to be there and she finds it.

"You idiot, you bought this card 21 minutes ago!

And you got a Butterfinger first, you fat-ass?"

You know what it is about the card?

They don't represent real life. That's the problem.

These cards you get are ridiculous.

The big sunset with the two deer drinking out of the pond,

creating the ripples of water.

That's not our life.

It should say, "I'm fat, you're fat.

See you in the kitchen in 10 minutes."

Those cards are important to them, though, because,

and more importantly than just getting a card

is getting the right card.

It's gotta be like a mood thing and everything.

It's gotta be the right card for the right moment.

They really put their time and effort into getting cards.

You ever been stuck behind a woman at Hallmark?

When they're shopping for a card,

it's like a chess move to them, right?

Folks, you guys have been a lot of fun. Thanks so much.

All right, appreciate it.

Thank you.

The man you've been waiting for.

All set?

The man you've been waiting for.