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[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,

Gallagher goes Melon Crazy!

Well, I went melon crazy.

Why? Because it's deductible.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
I finally earned more money

than I can smoke.

[cheering, applause]

So...

I made us one of these.
What do you think?

If we'd have given the money
to the government,

they'd have just wasted it.

Now we have a nice one of these.
Isn't it great?

You see, what happens
is you just pick a theme
and you run with it,

once you decide to spend
a lot of money.

The more ideas you can come up
with, the better you are.

Here's a melon plane here
and a melon bomb,

and you know how
these things start.

Pretty soon, people start
giving you stuff.

You get a melon bowl,
and melon napkin holders,

and melon salt
and pepper shakers.

Little melon things
you can't do nothing with.

Then you got melon pigs.

Get one more expensive thing
that I can charge off

to my income tax.

There's a pin on the front!

All right, go get yours
and we'll race.

All right, come on down.
Come on down.
Come on, come on, boy.

All right, do the very difficult
turn around,

and put it in the hole.
There you go.

[cheering, applause]

So in America we're talking
about style.

We're talking about
doing things different.

And it's not always done
that way around the world.

You take this right here.
I got these two products.

Now, one was made in America
and one was made in Hong Kong.

All right? Hong Kong's idea
of a good time.

Now, to an American,
that's not fully extended.

[horn sounds]

All right!

Get down! Americans
got their own style!

- Right, America?
- [cheering]

Where's the beef?

That's America!

You gotta be creative,
do something different.

I'm coming out with a purse
made out of chameleon skin.

So no matter what a girl wears,
it matches.

I'm coming out with a product
for people that go
to the chiropractor.

You know, you get all your
vertebrae in line, somebody
whacks you on the back,

you lose your money.
Stay bones in a spray.

This has some sexual uses too,
I think is gonna go--

That works good in America,
don't it?

I'm also coming out
with a Playboymagazine
for married guys.

Every month, same girl.

We all know that men and women's
brains are different.

That men can handle numbers
and women can handle words.

So who handles the checkbook
and who does the talking?

The one who screws it up,
that's who!

But it ain't just you
and your family relationship.

This whole country
is kinda laid out backwards.

You explain to me why it is
when you write a check
that bounces,

the bank charges you more
of what they know
you don't have any of!

I know!

But I can't explain that stuff
to these people.

And this is why the
flying saucers are not landing.

'Cause we're so damn stupid!

They know us! They know that
if they hang out with us,

sooner or later we're gonna take
them out, get them drunk,

beat the shit out of them,
and take their flying saucer.

Ooh!

'Cause that's America!

Where things are kind of laid
out by Curly, Moe and Larry!

We understand these things.
We've learned to live
with the fact

that if a person can't
make a living in this country
as a contractor,

can't build a house that people
like at a price they can afford,

he goes out of business,
you know what happens?
He becomes an inspector!

Who's in charge?

I'll tell you.
It's people that are slowly
trying to put us to sleep.

First a few things
don't make sense.

Like you have a hot water heater
in your house,

and you don't need
to heat hot water.

Then there's a permanent press
setting on your iron.

Then you park in a driveway
and drive in a parkway.

Just to be silly.

Cargo goes by ship,
a shipment goes by truck.

You have a pair of panties,
but just one bra.

Then later on, they sneak in
peacekeeper missiles.

And Christian militia.
What is this?

So I'm tying these things in,
you see?

I can't believe women
ever wore a bra anyway.

Click it in the front
and grind it around,
grind it around,

grind it around,
grind it around.

That's like a trick the men
made up just to piss them off.
You know?

Gets them right under there.

So we're gonna talk
about these things.

Both sexes, I'm not just
gonna pick on the women

'cause they shave
off their eyebrows
and then paint them back in.

I'm gonna pick on everybody.
This is a crazy country
we live in.

Can you tell me why
there's a high flame
on this lighter?

I mean, do you do any welding?

What's the deal?
I looked on the back
of a smoke alarm.

There's a guarantee. Why?

If it don't work,
what's left?

Am I the only one
that sees this thing?

I'm watching this commercial
for Ruffles Potato Chips.

And they said they're
like flavor curves.

And if you believe that,
you're, like, stupid.

I believe just about
one out of four

is critically stupid
in these United States.

Don't you think just
about 25 percent?

Just about one out of four
people that you bump into,

you bump into them because they
ain't looking where the hell
they're going!

Well, if 25 percent
of the population is stupid,

why are we upset over
ten percent unemployment?

I'm upset about the 15 percent
of the stupid people
that have jobs!

They're either on break,
coming back from break, filling
in for somebody on break,

just got hired and don't care,
just gonna quit and don't care,

just filling in for somebody
that don't care.

Really! And who's
figuring it out anyway?

I-- Why do the foreigners drive
the cabs at the airport?

Does this make any sense?
You get into a strange town,

you get in a cab with a guy
from another country.

I got in a cab in Las Vegas
with a guy from Ethiopia.

You think about this.
You get in the middle
of the desert,

you get in a cab with a guy
from Ethiopia and tell him
to take you to the Sands,

he can go in any direction.

To me, this is serious.
Anyway-- no, listen.

I don't have anything against
foreigners, but it ain't no
reason to give them a job.

[laughter, applause]

That has to do with an intimate
knowledge of the society.

In London, you gotta take
a test to be a cabbie.

I'm just saying there should be
some sense here.

I mean, really, I was going
to Las Vegas to gamble,

but I didn't wanna gamble
on my cab ride.

I'd go, "Oh, yeah,
I bet he can drive!"

I was out at the airport the
other day, I went through
the, uh, the metal detector

and it didn't go "ding."
'Cause grass ain't metallic,
all right?

I go through
and it don't go "ding."
She says, "Take off your hat."

I say, "Why? It didn't go ding."
She says, "You might
be hiding something."

I said, "It don't matter,
as long as it don't go ding.

You're in charge of dingables."
Am I right?

Well, I'm gonna stand my ground.

In this world, you got to point
out ignorance and stupidity
when you see it

and attack 'em with ignorance
and stupidity.
That's all they understand.

I'm telling you people the
truth. I'm sitting in the
first class section of the plane

the other day, 'cause I want to.
I wanted that big, wide seat.

The guy behind me took off his
shoes and put his socky old feet
up on my armrest.

Socky old feet on my armrest.

Did I turn around
and explain life to him
in a civilized world?

Hell no.

I took off my socks and put 'em
over the back of my chair.

Do you hear what I'm saying?
Open your mind. Change this
world if it ain't right.

Give the houses out by
the airport to deaf people.

And save us all millions of
dollars letting the Jehovah's
Witnesses deliver the mail.

Yeah!

Get down!

We got a right to an attitude
like this. I'm telling you,
we're smart.

They don't believe we are.
I wish you got a badge
for being smart.

Don't you? For all the time
that I go through life
being good

I should get credit so I don't
get bothered by the damn cops
later on

when I slip once or twice.

Gotta get a big badge
says "Don't bother him
for little shit."

'Cause when I've had a little
shit, I don't wanna be bothered.

Especially when I'm driving.

'Cause I'm always running
against the law.

I had this good idea the other
day. I got picked up
for speeding.

I was going real fast
so they wouldn't
know I was stoned.

It seemed like a good idea
when I had thought of it.

But when I sped up,
the wind come in faster and took
the red part off the end.

Then I couldn't... find it,

and I think that weaving
attracted his attention too.

He pulls me over,
comes walking up, says,
"Where's the fire, boy?"

I said, "I don't know!"

So anyway, you know me.
I'm just asking some questions.

How come marijuana's illegal
in our society
and this stuff is okay?

This here is chewing tobacco.

'Cause if ever I saw something
ought to be called shit,
it's that right there.

Look at it now!

That's some shit.

I don't know why you'd put
something in your mouth
you couldn't swallow anyway.

I'm just talking to you guys.

We can talk.

These new modern women have
opened up all the categories.

Haven't you seen Donahue?
We can talk about this stuff.

They talk about it.
They talk about unwed lesbian
Indians against nuclear energy.

We can sure talk about this.

I saw this commercial the other
day for Maximum Cramp Relief.

And I thought, "Whoa,
that opened it all up,
didn't it?"

But I'm real glad to see that
product, aren't you, men?

That means now we don't
wanna hear nothing.

Right? Next time
they walk around
in their piss-ass attitude,

you say, "What's the matter?
Didn't you get your
Maximum Cramp Relief?"

You women, you just think
you don't need us.

'Cause you been reading them
books and watching them TV shows
that tell you about sperm banks.

But I know that ain't never
gonna work.

I've seen a woman try
to pick out a tomato.

Am I right?
Oh, here's a good one.
Ready, guys?

"Oh, nothing."

Right? Every time we hear that,
we know it's something.

Say, "What's the matter, honey?"

"Oh, nothing."

"Well, could you make me
something to eat then?"

"Be glad to."

[cheering, applause]

"What's the matter, honey?"

"Oh, nothing."

So then they disappear
in the bathroom
for about two hours.

You don't know what the hell's
going on. Then they're back...

"Honey, what'd you do
to your hair?"

"Oh, nothing.

It's just a rinse.

This will all just wash out."

We know better, don't we, guys?

- [men] Yeah!
- Right.

We gotta sleep with them ugly
for two weeks.

I ain't just gonna pick
on the girls.

Men been wearing
these things around.

- [cheering]
- See this?

Then they don't know what
to match it with.
"Is that okay, honey?

This all right?

This all right?"

All right, let me show you,
this one's really got me
mystified.

Back to the girls again.

Well, look at it,
it's sleeveless.

With a hood.

For vacations in Alaska
and Hawaii?

You see? I gots my questions.

This is a complex society
that we live in

and these questions
are necessary.

If your woman leaves you
for another woman,

should you hold the door
for both of them?

Why do skinny girls drive vans,
fat girls cram it in a Datsun?

We don't know.

And why does the captain
and the co-captain go out
for the coin toss

at the beginning
of the football game?

Wouldn't you send out
the luckiest guy on the team?

Send out the guy that scored
the night before.

Say, "Let me do it, coach.

Heads."

Them football players
have a problem, you know.

They're afraid that we don't
think they're smart.

So when you point the camera on
them, they clear everything up

and say something real smart
to us, don't they?

"Hi, Mom."

Like there's that many
old ladies watching the game.

Or else, um, they say,
"We're number one."

When I was a kid, number one
and number two was nothing
you wanted to be.

But you try to go to school
and you're up against that same
kind of stupidity.

First of all,
the coaches are fat.

The reading teachers
have ruined their eyes.

The counselors need
someone to talk to.

And the shop teachers
don't have all their fingers.

Get down!

I'm talking about
a different kind of a world

and a different kind
of an educational experience.

I'm talking about...
being an American.

Being different.

Americans don't wanna hear
about rules, laws.

Americans are creative
and different.

You don't tell an American,
"I before E except after C."

American don't care.

American don't know which way it
goes, they just make kind of
an "e" looking "i".

And then kind of
an "i" looking "e."

Then you put the dot
right there.

What an American does,
all you're supposed to do
is communicate.

When I was in school,
they showed me
that I didn't have to write

the great big word "cannot."

I could just make
the word "can't."

I said, hey, that's a cool
little invention there.

Could I use that on words
I don't know how to spell?

"No, you can't."

Well, I said, if that replaces
"n-o," then that must be
equal to "n-o."

And I want to write "no,"
I could just make one
of those things.

"No."

And I said, well then this
makes no sense.

I mean, if you're gonna be silly
about these things,

and make up a thing like
a contraction,

I've always thought the word
"look" should be written
like this.

Doesn't that look like "look"?

And the word, uh, "whoa man"

should be written like this.

"Whoa, man."

I mean, that'll keep them out
of the bathroom, won't it?

So anyway...

See, we can learn a lot
of things about ourselves

by examining these things.

It all is... it's kind of,
our culture's a record
of the stupid things

that have occurred in it.

Well, you take our alphabet
as an example.

Now, the "a" is there because
that was the first sound
that man made.

Comes out of the cave
and he goes, "A!"

So we see--
we're by nature friendly.

"A!"

What's the second sound
in our alphabet?

- [audience] B.
- Beh.

"A!

Ah! Buh!"

- What's the third sound?
- [audience] C.

No, it's "guh."
'Cause that's the gamma.

That "c"-- ah!
You gotta go way back now.

Alphabet, so it's
"ah, buh, guh."

What's the fourth sound? "Duh."

So let's look at the first
sentence and figure out what
the hell they were saying.

"Ah, buh, guh, day."
"Have a good day!"

Do you see? If we apply our
minds, if we just pick a concept
and run with it,

that's what you do. You can't--

Just don't worry about people.
That's the problem
with politicians.

They worry about what people
are gonna say.

You can't do that when you're
working with new concepts.

People are worried about
the cost of state government.

Let's just think
about this a minute.

There must be too many
state governments.

[audience murmuring]

If you wanna eliminate the cost
of state government,

you eliminate the number
of state governments you got.

It's that easy. Rhode Island
has a state government.
This is some silly shit.

Anybody here from Rhode Island?
Fuck 'em!

[laughter]

It's embarrassing anyway
when their two senators
come in the Senate,

they all go, "Look, here come
the two guys from Providence!"
[snorting laugh]

Get down! Look,
North and South Dakota
is each a state.

There ought to be a law.
First you got to have a state,

then you can have
a state government.

Anybody here from North
or South Dakota?

- [whistling]
- Well, there ain't nobody
there now.

Did you turn off the light?

States aren't grouped right
anyway.

We ought to make them bigger,
maxi-states.

States big enough and powerful
enough to vie against California
and Texas.

That's the way it should be.
You can make one state
out of everybody in New England.

That's the way it was when I had
a puzzle when I was a kid.

New England was one piece,
that should tell you something.

Make that one state up there,
and make one state out of
everybody from Buffalo

around the Great Lakes,
up to Green Bay, call it Hockey.

They love that.

Make one state out of everybody
in the South.

They all vote together
that way anyway.

Call that Dixie.

Make one state out of Texas,
of course.

I was gonna give Texas Oklahoma,
but Texas don't want Oklahoma.

Texas wants Mexico.

But so does California.

They believe if you're gonna
have to live with the people,

then you ought to get the
real estate that goes with them.

So anyway, you put me in charge,
and I'll change the face
of everything.

I'll get rid of all them people
arguing over the money
in Washington.

They even got extra ones,
500 and some ain't enough.

You can't get 500 people
to agree on nothing,

but let's go on vacation
and raise our salary.

You ought to-- I could get rid
of lobbyists.

They're people that hang out
in the lobby, so they made
a name for them. Lobbyists.

We don't want a government
where money tells them
what to do

on the way to the can
and the water fountain.

Well, you couldn't get the Ten
Commandments through Congress
if Moses was buying drinks.

- [man] Gallagher for president!
- I can't be president.

- [man] Why?
- 'Cause I just wanna set it up.

I don't want people calling me
the Honorable Gallagher.

You see, I don't want people
being embarrassed

by having to remind me
how to be, you know?

That's why they put "honorable"
in front of politicians.
It's to remind them.

"Have the
honorable such-and-such
and his lovely wife."

And you look at her
and you realize they lie
to each other all day long.

So anyway, this has been
a real nice talk,
and I'm glad I had a chance

to get this out of my system.
It's now time to start the show.

The show has... has an
opening act, and I'm really, uh,

really, uh, up about introduce--
What?

- [audience shouting] Go!
- I'm going to, thanks!

All right, ladies and gentlemen,
I'm introducing right now,

he's original and he's good,
the problem is the part that's
original ain't that good,

and the part that's good
ain't that damn original.

Uh, I want to, uh, to welcome
a man that was educated
beyond his intelligence.

He can't sing, he can't dance,
he can't tell jokes,

there's literally no end
to the things he can't do.

He's giving up a lucrative
career in vinyl repair
to be here with us tonight.

He's a formerler--
former counselor
at a halfway house

for girls who
won't go all the way.

Get ready,
it's Bill the Kirchenbauer!

[cheering]

Oh, the wind from your applause!

[imitating wind blowing]

My impression of the Titanic.

[imitating engine revving]

[clears throat]

This is a hotel towel.
These are free.

[squeaking]

[squeaking]

Oh, my gosh!
I rubbed my face off!

Where's my face?!
Scared ya, huh? [laughs]

I used to do that to my mom
all the time when I was ten.

[chuckles]

I know what you're waiting for,
you wanna see
the typewriter impression.

All right, that's okay,
I'll do it.

A typewriter! [cranking sound]

Bing! [tapping]

[cranking sound] Bing!
çtapping]

IBM! [thudding sound]

Correctable!

You ever do this?
You ever go into a bank,
you wanna write a check,

and you have no idea
what day of the week it is?

You ever do that? You go...

"What day is it?"

What, you been shooting up
Chlorox all week?

There's only seven days.
We don't change the names.

Try this at an airport sometime
when you're bored. Just pick
somebody at an airport.

Just do this, just go...

"Excuse me, sir.
Have you got the year?"

Sometimes they'll give you
their watch.

This is very useful.
Everybody should learn
how to do this.

If you're in a real bad
neighborhood and you think
you might get mugged,

just walk through the
neighborhood like that.

Nobody will mess with you!

Or your car mechanic.
You ever go pick up your car,

it's $100 more than the guy
said it would be?

"$100 more, sorry,
we didn't know it."

Just go, "100?

$100 more? [grunting]"

"Oh! Contest! Free, you won."

See, I don't like car mechanics
'cause they change the price
on you.

Change the-- nobody else does
that and gets away with it!

You don't go into a restaurant,
order a steak,

and then the cook comes out
and goes,

"Well, it was a lot harder
to cook than we thought it'd be.

So it's $5 more."

"Okay. What day is it?"

You let them do it on cars,
though. See, I don't
understand cars.

You know what they're doing on
the little cars? They're
writing excuses on the car

for why things don't work right.

They write it
on the little side view mirror
on the passenger side.

"Objects in this mirror
are a lot closer
than they appear."

Build a mirror where the objects
look like where they are!

Why don't they just write
"This mirror is a piece of crap,
the guy got fired,

don't look at it,
it don't work!"

Uh... I read something
interesting today.

Does anybody know offhand
what the most hated instrument
in the world is? Any idea?

Accordion is number two.
Bagpipes, number one.

I don't dislike the bagpipes
myself. I just think it's
a kind of weird instrument.

What gets me is somebody
had to invent the thing, right?

Some guy had to say
to himself one day,

"Well, let's see if we can
invent some sort of an obnoxious
musical instrument.

Something real disgusting.

Something that really
pisses people off.

Let's see what happens.

Let's see what happens
if I blow in a vacuum cleaner."

[blowing, screeching]

[audience cheering]

My mother's not real crazy about
the fact I hang around him.

I went shopping today,
went to the mall.

Isn't that a dumb word, "mall"?

Why do they call a place where
they want a bunch of women to go
a mall?

So I bought some shoes.
Dead cow on my feet. Leather.

How come they charge so much
for things made out of cows?

They're not dangerous
and they're real easy to kill.

Shark, alligator, I'll pay
extra money. This is a cow!

Moo! Bang, you're a hat.

This is not hunting.

They're always in a little
fenced-in yard.

They go, "Moo! Oh, moo! Moo!"

Bang, you're a belt.

[squeaking]

But I've been doing a little
research here about animals.

I figured out this is what flies
see before they get hit
by a swatter.

I've been a little lax here
in my, uh... in my duties.

One of my jobs is to get here
a little bit early and get these
things down on all the seats.

Anybody know what they call
these things?

Ass gaskets.

A lot of people don't look
at these things real close.

In fact, this part right here
is such a pain,
you wonder how many people

actually take the time to do it.

[cheering]

Show you--

Show you something you probably
never noticed before.

You ever notice the hole
in this thing is in the shape
of somebody's head?

It's like some guy in a factory
somewhere has a job going...

And then stuffing it
in the baggies!

I've been exercising.

Yeah. Exercising, been jogging.

I've been playing a lot
of handball.

I bought a new racket today.

I always take one of these
with me to Texas.

'Cause I like to go in country
and western bars and go,

"Any of you big dudes
wanna arm wrestle?
I'm real good."

Or buy one of these things,
take it to the park.

Give it to people's dogs
when the people aren't looking.

"Where did you get that?!"

Or back east...
if you drive back east,

you gotta have a couple
of these with you in your car.

'Cause they got toll roads
and toll bridges.

I like to drive through
toll gates real fast,

throw this in the basket
and go... [screams]

They never come after me.

A stick of chewing gum.

[giggles]

[chewing loudly]

[spits]

Tell you what the problem is...

[audience cheering]

You know what the problem is,
is there are a lot more assholes

running around
than there used to be.

Really. A lot more asses
running around.

Used to be one, maybe two a day.

Now they're all over the place.

See, if I were a king,
you know what I'd do?

I'd take a little census,
every year, of everybody
that acted like an ass.

If they acted like an ass
all the time, I'd make them go
to a government plastic surgeon,

he'd make them look like one.

Wouldn't that be great?
Then you'd know right
where they were.

"Okay, what ass did this thing
right here?

Fred? You're an ass,
come over here.
Did you do that?"

"Oh, no, not me.

Not my fault, I didn't do that.
No sirree!"

Right? Then you'd know
where they were!

Especially at the post office.

'Cause they're real slow
at the post office.

'Cause they get valium
when they go to work.

"Can I have a stamp please?"

[slow-motion babbling]

They do have a free service,
though, at the post office.

It's a service for getting even
with... that, uh...

...that you don't like
but are too big to beat up.

It's called
the change of address kit.

And all you do is you write down
the name of the guy
you don't like.

Then you write down
where he lives.

Then you write down
where you want his mail to go!

This is a little thing...
[squeaks]

...that I call
Requiem for a Diaphragm!

[imitating echo] Phragm!
Phragm! Phragm!

Nobody's ever getting in here.

It's my job.

[screams] Invader!

[imitates alarm blaring]

It's an attack! Oh, my gosh!
Look at this!

Oh, no! [babbling]

Oh, no! [babbling]

Ahh!

[screams]

- Thank you!
- [applause]

[indistinct talking]

[Gallagher] I know.

He did good.

- Well, they like you, Bill.
- Yeah, they're a good crowd.

And you didn't even do
your good joke, man.

- You didn't do your good joke.
- Sorry. [laughs]

- I know it.
- Which one was that?

Well, uh, you didn't do
the Matterhorn. Did he do the
Matterhorn ride at Disneyland?

- No, I didn't do that.
- [audience shouting]

- Sorry!
- Why didn't you do it?

[stammering] I...
I'll do it now.

- All--
- [audience shouting]

Okay, do it.
This is my favorite.
He does this so good.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Matterhorn ride
at Disneyland.

Bill, look what you have
on your shoe. This...

The Matterhorn ride
at Disneyland.

[clicking] Ding!

That'll be an E ticket.
Thank you.
[clicking]

[screaming]

[audience cheering]

Bill doesn't like
to do that joke.

'Cause it messes up his shoes.

I like working together, Bill.
This is, uh,
this is pretty neat.

- We hardly ever work together.
- No, they can't stand
the glare.

Bill feels real sexy tonight.

He's wearing his new cologne.
It's called Her Legs.
He's got it behind his ears.

I tell him he should dress up,
dress up a little bit,
wear a tie.

I like to wear ties
because look where they point.

You look where they point.

- Let's see how much
I can sweat.
- Okay, let's see.

- [Gallagher laughs]
- [groaning]

He's a waste of cocaine.

You're already going so fast.

Hey, I thought that I'd bring
you some problems.

Bill is an improvisational
kind of a comedian.

And, uh...

So I thought-- I brought some
things. I found this
at a, uh, oriental...

[Bill laughing]

Well, it's, uh, you know,
I don't know what it is,
Japanese, Chinese, Korean

- or something,
but I thought maybe...
- This is ZZ Top beard.

Yeah, that's the obvious one.
Now, let's get funny.
What can you think?

Watch The A-Team.
Ask me, not him.

[chanting nonsensically]

- Two jokes, that's not bad.
- [laughs]

It's an Italian girl
waving goodbye. Goodbye!

Goodbye! Goodbye!

- Then I guess this is in your--
- [laughs]

- --in your act, huh?
- I'm gonna have to get me that.

All right, I got another idea.
What about this?

I saw some of the things
you did. I thought this
would be a good one.

A Xerox machine. Okay?
A Xerox machine. All right?

- Can you do it? You be--
- Is this the original?

- Yeah, that's the original.
- Okay, I'm a side feeder.

[Gallagher laughs] What?

- From the side.
- Side feeder.

Yeah, side feeder.

[audience cheering]

I don't wanna use a side feeder.

- Okay, we'll do automatic.
- All right, automatic.

There's the original,
and I'll wait.

[Gallagher muttering]

This is my original?

You did good, Bill.

[audience cheering]

Ladies and gentlemen!

Thank you.

The amazing Master Tool
Corporation, a subsidiary
of Fly By Night Industries,

has entrusted who?
Me to show you the handiest
and the dandiest

kitchen tool you've ever seen,
and don't you wanna know
how it works?

- [audience] Yeah!
- Well, first you get out
an ordinary apple,

you place this ordinary apple
between the patented pan,
then what do you do, gang?

It's simple. You reach
for the tool that is not
a slicer, it's not a dicer,

it's not a chopper in a hopper,
what could it possibly be?

[crowd shouts] Sledge-O-Matic!

Sledge-O-Matic!

Let's look
at that one more time!

Could it be this easy?
Yes!

With Sledge-O-Matic,
it's just that easy.

I know what you're gonna say.
"Gallagher, is it
just that easy with lettuce?"

Yes, it's just that easy!

Is it just that easy
with these little melons?

Yes, it's just that easy!

Is it just that easy
with a pineapple?

Yes, it's just that easy!

- Now, what about yogurt?
- [audience shouting]

That's real easy,
just a little one.

Now, I know what some
of you are gonna say.

Say, "Gallagher,
this is so messy."

But Sledge-O-Matic cleans!

What could be simpler?

Now I know what you're saying.
Sure, you can do it...

Ladies and gentlemen...

[man] Save the big one
for the last!

I wanted so much more...

...out of my life.

My mother wanted so much more...

...out of my life.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I did not do this to be rowdy.

I did this... as an artiste.

[French accent] I am
the artist in food.

I am making a statement.

About the commercialism
in this country. Eh?

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is a satire.

I am making fun of name-brand
products in our society.

And it's not the products
or even what I see on TV
that I think we object to.

It's the editing.

It's the going from violence
on the streets
on the Eastern Seaboard

to Heinz tomato ketchup.

Hey, listen.
You can clean that real easy.

Just a little Wisk
and that's all gone.
It's all gone.

Ladies and gentlemen...

I'm not excited
by a mere table.

I am not excited about a mere
routine about one product.

- I am an artist...
- [cheering]

...of dimension.

And of style.

I am now excited
about the possibilities

for this canvas.

Mustard, no.

[audience shouting]

I begin first with...

...Kraft.

In my brain, there's a collage
of primary colors

and this is the orange.

The Kraft orange

to make the southern
United States.

There's Florida.

That's where I'm from,
Florida.

I like the shape of the state.
It looks like we're pissing
on Cuba.

Now, for red along
the Eastern Seaboard.

Since my ketchup is gone,
we're going with Campbell's
tomato everything.

All right, now I'm going--
I'm going from Georgia
all the way up to Maine.

All right, I need the right--
I need-- oh, boy. Now watch out.

Hey, now, I'm looking for it.
Okay. Watch out.

I need it now, okay-- Oh!

Now I'd like to talk to you
people about the Grape Lakes.

Right there.

We need a lot. Let me see.
Now we got Lake Eerie.

And the St. Lawrence Seaway.

Just... use your imagination.

Okay, out here,
on the West Coast,

Los Angeles, this, uh,
guacamole, I think will do...

...just fine.

Are you getting the feeling now?

Okay. That means that
the bean dip...

...goes right along here.

I'm talking bean dip.

Okay, now we're talking Texas.
You see Texas?

Hot chili!

I feel this whole thing
happening now.

Okay, it's time--
it's time now for San Francisco.

I'm talking
sweet and sour sauce.

And soy, soy, soy, soy.

Now we're going to move
into the Pacific Northwest

with the pea soup.

Anybody who's ever lived
up there knows that that's
all pea soup. Okay?

Ladies and gentlemen,
let's hope for the best.
You're behind me.

- Get behind me on this.
- [cheering]

One! Two!

One! Two!

And we need a... [shouts]

It's filling in nicely.

Okay. I think I've been
to Canada.

We're gonna have to go
with a little Cool Whip.

All right,
there's the Canadian border!

We're talking Minnesota!

All right, now we got your
rocky road ice cream

which, of course,
make the Rocky Mountains.

Which go from there...

...to there... to there!

Boy, this wasn't an easy world
for God to make, was it?

Let's try peanut butter.

- Where does peanut butter go?
- [audience shouting]

Georgia?

Georgia? Or what do you think
about making peanut butter,

- um, Washington D.C.?
- [cheering]

All right, we're going to need
a capitol building,
a capitol building.

I think a lemon does that
just fine.

- [cheering]
- Now...

I feel a need to kind of
cover the country...

...with something, like,
you know, where's mustard go?

You can't just put mustard
one place.

Mustard kind of goes everywhere.

I feel the same way
about chocolate.

Don't you feel chocolate
is more or less just across this
whole great country of ours?

All right, I think it's time
to chocolate the Midwest.

One, two, three. Chocolate!

One, two, three. Chocolate!

Well, you know, the top of this
looks real neat.

All right. Well, I guess we
could continue. Pickle relish.

There's all kind of little
things. I think yogurt belongs
up there somewhere.

This is what I really hoped for
from my education.

Tartar sauce, that's Maine,
ain't it?

- [cheering]
- Okay. We'll finish it off.
This is the last thing I'll do.

Just a little tartar sauce
I think up here.

And... oh, nice.

Now, this is together.
Okay, what have I missed?

- What?
- [audience shouting]

Salinas!

You're right.

I missed Salinas!

All right, here you go!

One, two, three!

Salinas!

I'm also coming out
with a Playboy magazine
for married guys.

Every month, same girl.

Can you explain to me why it is
when you write a check
that bounces,

the bank charges you more
of what they know
you don't have any of!

I'm not just
gonna pick on the women

'cause they shave
off their eyebrows

and then paint them back in.

What's the deal?
I looked on the back
of a smoke alarm.

There's a guarantee. Why?

If it don't work,
what's left?

You've got to point
out ignorance and stupidity
when you see it

and attack 'em with ignorance
and stupidity.
That's all they understand.

So anyway, you put me in charge
and I'll change the face
of everything.

[applause, cheering]