All language subtitles for All in the Family - S02E18 - Archie Sees a Mugging

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ gee, our old
lasalle ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪♪

♪ Don't sit under
the apple tree ♪

♪ with anybody else but me ♪

♪ no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ with anybody else but me ♪

♪ no, no, no, no, no, no ♪

- ♪ with anybody else but me
no, no ♪♪
- Michael?

Hey, ma, have you seen Michael?

Oh, Gloria, you
won't believe this.

He and Archie went out together.

Mother, no. Without
adult supervision?

Archie was out of
cigars, and he asked Mike...

To take a walk with
him down to the store.

Oh, Gloria, it was wonderful.

Archie was laughing.

And he said he was taking a
walk with his favorite son-in-law.

Daddy said that?

And it's all thanks
to pee wee Reese.

Who's pee wee Reese?
Oh, some football player.

I think they called him pee wee
because he was a short stop.

No, ma, that's "shortstop."
So the game was baseball.

Oh, well, anyway, Archie was
having an argument with Mr. Mcnab...

About who was the
best shortstop ever,

and Mike said that mcnab was
wrong and Archie was right,

and that was the start
of a beautiful friendship.

That's great, but I wonder
how long it's gonna last.

Keep away from me, meathead.

Shutting the door in my face
is not gonna change things.

Shutting the mouth in
your face might help.

All right. What's happened?

What happened? You wanna know
what happened? He saw what happened.

I didn't see nothing.
Now stay off my back.

How would you like it if you
were Tony? Well, I ain't Tony.

Tony who? Tony vicino.

The shoemaker? I thought
you went out to get cigars.

That's right. I went out just
to do a little peaceful shopping.

With your favorite son-in-law.

Stifle that.

Why don't you
admit it? You saw it.

I didn't see no muggin'.

Tony mugged somebody?

No, Edith. Tony wasn't the
mugger. He was the "muggee."

Yeah. Yeah, and Archie was right
there, and he says he didn't see it.

Archie, it is your duty as a citizen
to come forward and be a witness.

That's okay for students
and the unemployed,

which in your case is
one and the same thing.

I happen to be a working man. I don't
get paid if I turn up for work absent.

Oh, you hear that reasoning? "I'll
do the right thing if they pay me."

If you're a witness in one of these
things, you know what you gotta do?

Put on a shirt and tie. You
gotta go down to court,

wait for that case to be
called up, which who knows when.

Then by the time it gets called up,
you forget what you was gonna say,

some lawyer makes a monkey out of
you, and it all goes down on your record.

So because of a little inconvenience,
you don't want to get involved.

Listen, let me explain
something to you, huh? Shut up!

You hear that, Gloria?
What are you looking at?

You see? That's how
he settles everything.

Michael, calm down. We don't know
what's going on. Tell us what happened.

Archie and I went into
the deli... just a minute.

I'll tell it. You
better tell the truth.

Forget the truth. Listen to me.

The two of us went
down to the deli, see?

To get that six-pack
and some cigars for me.

Now, this guy is yapping so much
about baseball that I leave the shop,

and I'm halfway down the street,
and I see I'm all out of cigars.

I left them on the counter back
there. So I ran back to get them.

Will you let me tell the story?

So he runs back to get them.

So I'm standing there on the
street, and all of a sudden, someone...

I don't know who... jumps
Tony vicino, the shoemaker,

when he's closing up his little
joint and steals his cash box.

- Now, that's the story.
- Except that Archie was there,
and he saw the whole thing.

Listen, my being there
don't prove nothing.

I was in Italy during the war.

That don't mean
I seen Mussolini.

That's right.

Archie would've told
us if he'd seen Mussolini.

Don't help me, huh, Edith?

Aren't you always the one who's
saying that it's a jungle out there?

It's gonna get worse until
somebody stands up and says, "I saw."

How can you be so certain
daddy saw the mugging?

Will you stay out of
this, please? Hold it.

She's making sense. A man
ought to listen to his wife.

- Archie...
- Dry up.

Archie, you know you saw it!

How do you know what I know? You
don't even know what you know, schoolboy.

That's what makes you a
meathead! And you're a dumb Polack!

Huh? Huh? You see?

How does it feel when the shoe's on
the other foot? Not too good, huh?

You don't like it, huh?
It bothers you, huh?

Well, you're a dumb Polack!

You belong in a rubber room.

He's sick. You
better put him to bed.

Did you hear that?
Let me out of here.

Archie, what is this all about?

Did you ever hear anything
like that in your life?

Yeah, lots of times, right here.

He must've learned it from you.

Now, you stifle yourself.

He's got some hell of a nerve
telling me that I gotta be a witness.

You can't be a witness
if you didn't see nothing.

That's it, Edith. That's
it. Thank you very much.

You're welcome, Archie.
But if you did see something...

Now, wait a minute. Whose
side are you gonna be on?

Yours, Archie. I know
you'll do the right thing.

Just ask yourself, what
do you feel in your heart?

Heartburn, Edith!

Now find me some
bicarbonate soda. Right away.

I don't care what you say,
Michael. It was a rotten thing to do.

I'm sorry, all right? I shouldn't
have said that to his face.

- It was stupid
and uncalled-for.
- All right!

I said I was sorry.
What more do you want?

I'm sorry I said that to him, and I'm sorry
I was happy when his face turned purple.

All right, Michael. I understand.
You lost your temper.

But that's no reason
to call daddy a liar.

Gloria, I'm telling you,
Archie saw Tony being mugged!

You didn't see
him see it, did you?

Well, no, but... then don't
go around accusing people.

You're not always right.
You could be wrong, you know.

It is possible. You
could be wrong.

Just once I'd like to hear
you say, "I could be wrong."

All right. I could
be wrong. Good.

But not this time.

Hello! Excuse me. Hello.

Just a minute, please.
Daddy, it's for you!

Who is it? Mrs. Vicino!

Geez, I don't wanna talk to her. Did
you tell her I was here? Take a message.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Vicino. He can't
speak to you at the moment.

May I please take a
message? Shh, shh, shh!

Oh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

All right, Mrs.
vicino. Yes, I'll ask him.

Yeah. Okay. Bye-bye.

- What? What? What?
- Daddy, Mrs. Vicino
wants to know...

When you're going to the police
station and tell them what you saw.

You put a lid on that, little
girl. I told you I didn't see nothing.

- Daddy, you're lying.
- How dare you say
your father is lying!

Because Mr. Vicino said that you
were there and saw everything.

Archie, is that true?

Listen, how could that shoemaker
be sure of what he's seen,

after he fell down on the sidewalk
and bumped his noggin there?

You saw, arch. You saw.

If I was you, I couldn't
live with myself.

Well, you ain't living with
yourself. You're living with me.

Michael, I apologize. You were
right. Daddy, you lied to us!

Listen, it ain't lying to try to
protect yourself and your family.

What? If anything
happened to me,

this meathead couldn't
keep you in bubblegum.

Oh, come off that bull, arch.

What could happen? It was
just an ordinary mugging.

"An ordinary little
mugging," that's all.

What do you know? I was there.

You didn't see
nothing. I seen it.

Suppose I was to tell you that that
was done by two mugs in blue silk suits...

Riding in the back of a big sedan
that comes screeching up to the curb?

Come on, arch. What are
you trying to hand us?

That's right. There
was a big black,

probably bulletproof
Cadillac or something.

Big bulletproof Cadillac?

That's right. You was in the
store, and you never seen it.

Daddy, are you trying to
tell us they were gangsters?

Listen, little girl, did you ever stop
to think of the kind of a name vicino is?

Tony vicino? Antonio vicino?

That's a nice name, Archie.

It's musical.

♪ Antonio vicino ♪♪

Stop that. Stop that. Stop that.
Stop that! Stop that! Stop that!

What I'm trying
to tell you is...

That that is an
Italian name... vicino.

It's worse than that.
It's a sicilian-Italian name.

Are you trying to tell us
that the mafia is mixed up in this?

Bingo, buddy. That's what I'm trying
to protect me and my family against.

I wanna tell you something. Them
sicilians is famous for two things...

Spaghetti and revenge.

Don't answer that door.
Get away from that door.

I don't want you
talking to nobody.

Now, stay over there.

Mr. Bunker? Aw, geez.

Listen, I know what you're
here for, and I didn't see nothing.

May I come in? I'd just like to
ask you a few questions anyway.

All right. If you
wanna, come on.

I'll tell you up
front that I ain't no...

What do you call... a
witness to that there event.

That's right, officer. Archie
said he didn't see no muggin'.

He didn't see nothin',

except a big bulletproof
Cadillac from the mafia.

Aw, geez!

I think maybe you'd better come
with me down to the precinct...

And make a complete
statement to the detectives.

Wait a minute, officer. I'll tell
you how I couldn't have see nothin'.

The mugger was over here, see?

I'm facing in this
direction here.

You're facing in that
direction. That's right.

You know, like they say,
position is nine-tenths of the law.

Huh? Yeah.

See, the reason I'm doing that is
there's a wind coming from this way.

I'm standing facing this way
so I can light one of my cigars.

Back here you said you were out
of cigars. So what were you lighting?

- Who said I was out of cigars?
- You did, arch.

You told them I went
to get the cigars.

You wanna get your
coat, Mr. Bunker?

Archie will be right
back, Mr. Vicino.

Sit down, won't you?

Oh, Archie will be
so glad you're here.

He was at the police station
last night for three hours.

What a guy, huh? A
person like your Archie...

Makes you feel real good
to belong to the human race.

Yeah, maybe one of these
days we'll get him to join it.

Nah, you young fellows can take a
lesson from Mr. Bunker. Get involved.

I suppose that's why
daddy took so long at

the police station,
'cause he was so involved.

Oh, sure. He said the police made
him look through 15 books of pictures,

but none of them
looked like the two men.

Two men? In silk suits.

- And a big car.
- What big car?

Is that what he told the cops?

It's as cold out there
as a well-digger's butt.

Hey, bunker.

- Vicino, what are you
doing here?
- Mr. Vicino came over...

To thank you for
going to the police.

Oh. Well, I'm glad for
your... what do you call...

Gratification and all that,
but I was only doing my duty.

And drop in some other
time. Now, wait a minute.

What's this about a big car and
two guys? There was only one guy.

Hey, what did you say?
He said he was just leaving.

No, wait a second.
No car? Just one guy?

No car. Just one lousy punk.

Here. I'll show you. He comes around
behind me and grabs me like this, see?

Yeah. I can see
his leather jacket,

but I can't see his face.

But I can see bunker standing there,
staring right at me and the mugger.

- Then you did see it.
- You stay out of this.

Do your homework
or something, huh?

The kid's right.

You saw. I know you saw.

Aw, you ain't got no
witnesses to that.

He knows you saw.

Oh, why are you
dragging him into this?

He sees everything.

He knows everything
we do. Get out of here.

You don't really
believe that. Yes, I do!

Then how come youse people
are always running to confession,

telling him what's happening?

- Daddy, you shouldn't say that.
- No, let him.

Let him. Now we're
getting the truth.

It's because I'm catholic
that you ain't helping me.

That ain't the truth.
I'd say the same thing...

Even if you belonged
to the right church.

Aha! Oh!

Garlic, 100 proof.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. What? What?

Oh, boy, oh, boy! What? What?

Michael, look at that.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy!

"Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh,
boy!" Come on. What is it?

Read it, Gloria.

"Mafia execution attempt.
Yesterday in queens,

"members of the syndicate allegedly
made an unsuccessful attempt...

On the life of shoe
repairman, Tony vicino."

Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Don't you "oh, boy."
Go stand over by them.

The mafia! Now you're
tying me in with the mafia! Me!

Wait a minute. Listen to this.

"Two mobsters in blue silk suits
were seen speeding from the crime...

By a Mr. Archie bunker
of 704 hauser street."

Mama Mia, the mafia!
That's big trouble.

Yeah, and Archie's
the one who's in it.

Huh? you know what
you've done, arch?

You've fingered the mafia.
What are you talking about?

You know how many
people are reading that? You

know what the
circulation of that paper is?

2,950,000.

Will you stifle yourself.

Answer the phone.

I don't want to talk. I don't even
want to know who it is. Hello.

I can't get over it. Only two men in
history have ever fingered the mafia...

Joe villacci and
now Archie bunker.

What's so funny? What
are you laughing about?

Maybe you tying me in with the
mafia is gonna cost me some business,

but you know what
it's gonna cost you?

I don't have to tie
you in with the mafia.

You was born Italian. I
didn't tell you to do that.

For every gangster, there are millions
of hard-working, honest Italian people.

Dummy up. He's right.

How would you like it if I
say just because you're stupid,

all bunkers are stupid?

Stupid bunker. Stupid bunker.

Stupid bunker. Stupid
bunker number one.

Now, that ain't right.
Isn't it better if I say,

"nice bunker, nice bunker,
nice bunker, stupid bunker"?

Don't you like that better? Why
don't you sit down, Mr. Vicino?

I'll make some coffee. Coffee?
What do you mean, coffee?

I ain't running a diner here.
Who was that on the phone?

I thought you said you
didn't wanna talk to nobody.

That was before. I wanna know who it
was. I don't want to be kept ignorant.

I don't think you can
change at your age, arch.

Pipe down and dummy up,
meathead. Now, who was that?

It was a Mr. Ralph silvestri.

He's coming over to talk to you.

Well, who is Mr. Silvestri?

He said he was from
the pro-italia society.

Oh, good night! Nice, Edith.
Don't you know what that is?

What are you worried about? It's
just an Italian antidefamation group.

It's just another cover name
for the mafia. That's all it is.

You told silvestri I'm here, Edith?
Don't you know what that means?

The guy'll be probably coming over
here to give me one of them eternal kisses.

Why don't you leave town? We can
tell him you went to visit your godfather.

I don't think Archie
has a godfather.

Edith, go to bed, will you?

But it's still morning.
Then sit down here!

How am I gonna convince them
mafia torpedoes it's all a mistake?

Why don't you try
telling the truth?

Wait a minute. I got an idea.

Hey, vicino, you're Italian.

That's a-what my mama told me.

All right. Now, look, you gotta
talk to these guys, you see?

I mean, they'll understand
you. You know their lingo.

You know their hand
signals and everything there.

There's only one hand signal
I know for the spot you're in.

What's that?

Aw, cut that out!
Vicino, be serious.

Listen, you gotta tell the mafia that
it wasn't them who did that muggin'.

They'll believe it
comin' from you.

One wop to another, huh? Sure.

No, no, no.

I mean one human
being to another.

Come on, vicino.
You gotta help me.

Now you're asking
me for help, huh?

Don't answer that.
That's that guy silvestri.

Oh, come on, arch. You're
seeing too many movies.

Mr. Bunker?

Oh, hiya there.
Hiya. Hiya. Hey, listen.

It wasn't you guys that
done that muggin' at all.

I was just telling
that to Tony vicino.

Here's Tony standing right
over here. Ain't that right, Tony?

No capisce.

Tony, where you going?
♪ arrivederci, bunker ♪♪

I came out to check out your story
about a car and two men in silk suits.

There was no car, no two
men in silk suits, nothin'.

Then you lied,
Mr. Bunker. Yeah, I lied.

Archie, maybe that's
why he didn't kiss you.

Don't help me, huh, Edith?

I wanna thank you
for not doing that.

I'll tell you who done
the muggin' though.

It was a longhaired blond kid.

Now, this is the truth.
He didn't even look Italian.

I think he was a German.

He was tall, and he had a
black leather jacket on.

A black leather jacket, huh?

You're not gonna change
your story again, are you?

No. No, no, no. That's the
story. This is it, I swear.

Oh, hey, that's our
front doorbell.

That means there's
somebody out there. Yeah.

We got people coming in
and out of here all the time.

You know, what you call
witnesses to everything.

Mr. Bunker. Yeah, what?

I'm Ralph silvestri.

We already got one.

I mean, y-y-you're
Ralph silvestri? Yeah.

Then who are you?

Detective sergeant Perkins.

Detective sergeant
Perkins? Hey-hey!

Hey, sergeant, I'm glad
to see you in the house.

Hey, stay a while. Ask me
all the questions you want.

I'll talk to you later. I don't
want to keep you from your friend.

Oh, I wish you would, sergeant.

- Hey, listen, uh,
this here is Mr. Silvestri.
- Ralph.

Yeah, well, Ralph,
uh, look at this...

Sergeant Perkins
from the police.

Excuse me, but I can't stay long. I
wanna talk to you private. Come here.

Come on, sergeant. There ain't
nothing private in this house.

I gotta get back to the
station. Wait a minute.

You can't leave me
alone with this here guy.

Look, I can't hang around here.

But I want to see you tomorrow down
at the station at 10:00 in the morning.

What for? To make a
complete statement.

Now, get it clear in your mind,
bunker, because under the law,

you could be charged with making a
false statement to a police officer.

A false... what could you
get for that? One year or $500.

Oh, geez. Sergeant, wait a minute.
Hey, wait a minute. Listen to me, sergeant.

This guy silvestri here,
don't he worry you?

Bunker, get ahold of yourself.

Come here.

We read about you in the
paper this morning. Nice, huh?

So we get a call from one
of the members in my club.

He says, "ralphie, you
live in the neighborhood.

Why don't you drop in on
Mr. Bunker and straighten him out?"

Straighten me out?

Your language.

See, it reflects very bad
on the members of our club.

Look, I'm talking about that
five-letter word which begins with "m."

Oh! Am I making myself clear?

Yeah, well, listen, I don't think
I ever even heard of that word.

Maybe I can help you.

A five-letter word
beginning with "m"...

Edith, the man ain't here
to play crosswords.

Let me explain something to
you. I just dropped by to tell you...

That that organization which you
mentioned this morning in the paper,

it don't exist.

It's defunct. Well,
listen, anything you say.

We don't say that word.

It's not a very nice word.

You see, even in this
movie, the godfather,

which is about that
defunct organization,

even they don't use that word.

I know the word. "Mafia."

Lady, lady, even the
FBI don't use that word.

You know what the FBI
calls organized crime?

Organized crime.

A better word.

In that statement I
made to the police there,

I didn't use no words
like "kosher nostras," see?

Or that other mmm word.

I ain't never gonna use
them words no more.

Good, bunker. That's
all I wanted to know.

I gotta go. The wife and
kids are waiting in the car.

Bye-bye, everybody.

Hey, by the by, the cop...

You mentioned something about
a year in the can and 500 bananas.

That ain't gonna make you
change what you just said?

No, no, no. I told
the truth just now.

I mean, I was honest this time.

Good, bunker. It
pays to be honest...

All the time.

And remember, you heard
it from silvestri, huh?

Bye-bye, every beautiful people.

Hey, Michael, you don't really
think the police will put daddy in jail...

For making a false
statement, do you?

- I don't know. It's hard to s...
- Daddy!

Archie, what happened? They're
not gonna put you in jail, are they?

What are you talking
about, put me in jail?

Gee. They ain't even
gonna press no charges.

That's wonderful. Oh, good.

- What happened?
- Oh, nothing much.

You know that guy
silvestri that was here?

Turned out to be
a pretty nice guy.

Down at the station house
he put in a good word for me.

Was it a five-letter
word beginning with "m"?

You're a pip, Edith. You
know that? A real pip.

All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.