Original subtitles

The Pink Network is on the air from station KSEX. It's TV as you've never

it before.

Tonight, starring penthouse pet, Christy Canyon.

Ron Jeremy.

John Holm.

Harry Reams as Scorpio. And featuring Tamara Longley and Dallas Miko.

Mark Wallen.

WPINK. It's red hot.

You know, Phil, we sure go through a lot of hassle just to get laid.

Hey, hey, hey, come on.

You're breaking the mood. You're not supposed to talk.

Now, turn around for a second.

Turn around.

Okay, now, let me see. Stick your face over your shoulder. Face me. And look

real sexy.

Real sexy.

That's it.

That's nice.

Okay, now, lick your lips.

Not those lips, you putz.

The ones on your face.

Oh, the same fingers?

Oh, that's... Will you take this seriously? You're not even trying.

Well, who do you think you are anyway? Steven Spielberg?

That's pronounced Spielberg.

Spielberg.

And no, I'm not. And who do you think you are, Gypsy Rosalie?

Okay, okay, now...

Let's see a little pink, okay?

That's the baby.

Okay. Back up a little more, sweetie.

All right, let's see it.

Diebenspielberg. Okay.

Who's Tipsy Lane?

She's just... I can't see.

Okay.

Oh, that's nice. Oh, good, good. Nice pink.

Nice and wet.

Oh, real hot, baby. Real hot.

Nice and hot.

Oh, of course I'm hot, you jerk.

Now put that camera down and fuck me.

Wait, we'll have time. Don't worry.

Now, Phil.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. I want to get this.

Oh, Phil.

What?

Yeah. You mean it?

God damn it.

You know, we never spend enough time doing that. I know. Tell me about it.

Can't hold out that long, can you? No.

I'm banging him against my face.

Oh, my little watermelon.

A little?

Well, I guess I'll come down looking at you in that monitor, baby. I'll tell

you.

Oh, what is it? The monitor?

Ooh. I want you to get turned on to me every time you look at me.

It looks just like a taco, you know that?

Oh, come here.

You look like a pussy to a close -up camera. It's fascinating.

Just through the camera?

Let me fuck you. Turn your back.

Oh,

do that again.

How do you do that?

Can all girls do that?

No. Does that turn you on, Phil?

Fuck me with your tongue?

Oh, yeah.

Faster.

I'm horny.

Oh, look at that, baby. Look at that.

I've done it for two of us.

Oh, should I get undressed?

Now.

Taking off my clothes as fast as I can. Hurry.

Oh, my God, the pants. Wait a minute.

Damn fucking clothes.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Mm.

Got something for me?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, do I?

Oh.

Nice and light, baby.

I love how your tits bounce.

I love watching your balls bounce.

One thought, one thought.

It makes you so horny.

Are we doing the around the world, huh?

You turn around and don't take it out.

Keep it in, baby.

Slide around.

Yeah, baby.

There you go.

That's my baby.

Oh, it's still in.

Still in?

Yeah. She was like that.

I love it

Stab your fingers.

Stab your fingers.

Just stab them.

There you go. Now, clap.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Do that in a minute.

Clap them again.

Oh.

You're driving it crazy.

That's because you're driving me crazy. He's not even snapping. He's going up on

his own. Look at this.

Oh, God.

Oh,

look at that ass.

Oh, don't move.

Come a little forward.

Come a little forward.

Oh, look at that. Just like that. Oh, Bill.

That's a work of art.

I see that.

Come back on it now.

Come back.

You ride it, baby.

It's up to you. You do it yourself. Come on.

You move it, baby.

Ride it.

Come on, cowboy.

Ride that little bastard.

That's it.

Just rock on it.

That's it, baby.

You like that?

Just like that.

You like this?

Yeah. Just give me a hand.

Okay?

Oh, yes.

Nice.

Want to fuck your tits?

Just every night.

Look at this.

Good thing hot as a rock. Look at this.

I'm dangerous at this point.

Look at this thing. My God, look.

Look what you do to my dick.

Oh, you're like a stallion.

Look at

someone's face. Is that okay?

No problem? No.

you're still the best.

If TV could look like that every day, you'd walk around with a big smile on

face. You know what I'm saying? That's the kind of stuff that turns me on. But

what do you get on television?

You get war, death, they discuss taxes, disease, tragedy.

This is not what you get on television.

TV's supposed to turn you on, but it doesn't. It kind of turns me off, you

Well, you know, we're always moaning about TV, and here we are. We both work

the TV station.

People want erotica.

Why don't we give it to them?

Oh, yeah, good idea.

Great idea.

Walk right into the facilities, take over the place.

Breath will love that idea.

Here, let me show you where your brain's located.

Right about over here, you know that? You're a fucking idiot.

Take over the television station.

You know, it is kind of deserted at night, isn't it?

Mm -hmm. We get a bunch of people together, late at night.

You know, what an idea.

Wait. Wait right there.

Stay. Wait.

Wait a second. Now, the control booth is open. I left the door open. I know

that. Right. But, uh, now what about security? Are you sure?

Yes, I told you. The girls have it all under control.

Yeah, but that's supposed to meet us right here.

Would you stop worrying? They'll be here.

Relax, guys.

Yeah. Purity is all taken care of.

You're working for us now.

I like your outfit.

Listen, go back where you were, okay? And check the makeup room for the

and everything. Make sure it's all fit to go. We got a lot of people coming in,

okay? Okay. Go ahead.

This is it. Our dream come true.

Let's go make television history.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Whoever you are... Hold it a second.

Will you turn off those damn teletype machines?

We're on the air!

Fucking idiots.

Okay, go ahead.

Whoever you are, and wherever you are, welcome to KSEX -TV.

Are you tired of nightly killings and terrorism?

Are you bored with the same old rerun?

Has TV almost gotten you to a point of turning it off?

Well, don't pull that plug, because we're going to turn you on.

Grab on to the person next to you, because P -I -N -K is hot and ready, and

coming at you.

You see, KSCX -TV is an experiment in alternate viewing.

Want to see alternate viewing?

That's clockwise alternate viewing.

That's counterclockwise alternate viewing.

You may want to cry your eyes out on any one of our three soap operas, Secret

Sperm, Lays of Our Lives, or Ball by Children, please.

John?

Martha.

John?

Martha. Oh, John.

Oh, Martha.

Oh, John.

My Martha.

Oh, my John.

Oh, Martha.

Oh, John.

Oh, Martha.

Oh,

Martha.

Oh, watch your teeth. Oh, watch your teeth. Oh, that's bad.

Oh, that's not bad. Take it deep.

What are you guys

fucking stupid?

You're not supposed to pan down.

Look at the fucking idiots.

You know, a guy who's supposed to be staying up there, that's just a pain

us. Oh, it's embarrassing.

Fuckin' A's, they saw us doing this, you know? You guys, you get what you pay

for. Minimum wage cameramen, you know? That's what you guys like with ABC and

NBC, you know? You guys suck.

And we'll also have sports.

When they bend and touch their toes, it shows me where his penis goes.

These girls, by the way, have had layouts in Playboy magazine.

The man, by the way, has had layouts in Playgirl magazine.

As for me, I've appeared a couple of times in Field and Stream magazine.

Okay, now, let's notice as she eats her and her eats him while he

eats his lunch after the show is over.

This is called a daisy chain, named as such because it generally begins the

deflowering ceremony.

More, coming up on Take It From Kathy.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Are you sitting home bored out of your skull?

No one's called you in three days?

There's not a goddamn thing to watch on TV.

Well, that's why KSEX has brought you a special presentation for you young

ladies. So, grab a hold of yourself and let me point out just a few tips.

Every woman has two sexual points on their body.

I've already pointed out one, as you can see.

And the other point is your pussy.

Now I'm going to demonstrate how you can sexually turn yourself on

even if there's not a man around.

All you need is one thing.

One big thing.

Your vibrator.

It's got two speeds.

It's got high.

And we've got our low speed.

So if you take your vibrator put it against your clit feels very

good

So

just sit back and relax

While I enjoy myself.

I get you very wet.

Do you see how wet you can get yourself just in a few minutes?

I'm sorry to wake you up. It looks like an invasion. It's something dark and

furry.

Damn commie sex

perverts taking over the whole fucking world.

What's it coming to?

Shit! They can't put this kind of shit on TV, can they, Scorpio?

No, they can't, sir.

Well, it's against... well... Scorpio, why are you such a fucking asshole?

Jerk off.

Well, I... I gotta use you, Scorpio. You're the only fucking operative

available. I'll do the best job that I can, sir.

Shit, you better try for something a little better than that, asshole.

And remember, you fuck this up, and you're out there on your own.

She's not doing too bad on her own, is she, sir?

Oh, and she's beautiful.

Nice tits, too.

So why don't you just lay back and enjoy yourself any way you can.

With your fingers.

By getting yourself even wetter.

Or with your vibrator.

How does she do that?

Scorpio.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. I think I can lick this, sir.

Okay,

okay, I know. Bad taste.

I'll jump right on this, sir.

I should have stayed in the goddamn catering business.

Sometimes you get a little too excited.

Just take a little break.

Not for too long.

Fuck your television.

Fuck your friends.

And fuck your telephone.

And just fuck yourself.

P

-I

-N -K hopes you're wet and ready.

Miss Ella May, I'm sorry I kept you waiting this long.

Well, honey, I'm so horny.

You are? Yeah. Well, goddamn, I'm such a never -end.

Woo, baby.

Woo.

Okay, hello.

I'll pop

that back up.

Look at that big button

That was good.

Ah.

Go back against the feet a little bit. Look at

it.

um oh

Bye.

Oh.

Chief, this is Scorpio reporting in. Stage one of our mission is

I have gained entrance to the enemy's headquarters and will be reporting back

shortly.

Excuse me. Oh.

You're the girl with the...

Yes, my name is Kathy.

Kathy, it's really a big pleasure to meet you. I don't think I've had the

pleasure of meeting you.

Oh, uh,

uh, my name is Howard.

And I'm with maintenance. Yeah, I'm with maintenance. My name is Howard. I'm

with maintenance.

Oh, you must be here to fix our special effects generator.

That's right. I'm Howard, and I'm with maintenance, and I'm here to fix your

special effects generator. That's right.

It's right down the hall.

Okay, no time at all. I'll have it fixed. You guys will be right back in

operation. No problem.

I'm really good at this stuff.

Nice meeting you. Nice meeting you, Kathy.

Oh, hello.

You must be on one of our shows.

Yeah, I'm John Holmes. I'm the guest on, uh, Beat the Cock.

Right. Everyone's been saying that.

Right?

No, I'm really John Holmes.

No, you're not.

I've seen John Holmes in everything.

I'd know John Holmes if I saw him.

Wait, if you saw John Holmes?

Is that John Holmes?

Glad to meet you.

Yeah.

Wait, why?

This looks great on you.

Have a seat.

You know, I can't believe we're getting away with this. I think it's a great

idea. Yeah.

It's kind of funny.

We've got a little spare time, you know.

We have about 69 minutes to go.

Enough time, don't you think?

Thank you.

Gee, Scorpio here.

Pretty unusual things happening.

I think there's something strange in the water.

Out.

Thank you.

Now that's what I call breaking for a commercial.

Is that it?

Oh, yeah.

Yes, Chief.

Yes, Chief, what is it?

Have you sampled the water yet, asshole?

No, I haven't sampled the water yet. I'm trying to.

Ladies and germs, it is time for my favorite game show, Beat the Cock.

And no, this is not a show about flagellation. What it is, is I'll

It is similar to our female show called Match Game, also known as Match the

Snatch Game, or Puss Word. In this game, you have to match the vagina to the

female face.

This is the male version. It's called Beat the Cock. And in this game, we have

three blindfolded women who have got to guess who our male celebrity is just by

his dick.

They can't say a word to the man. All they could do is, they could fuck it and

suck it, eat it and beat it, and stick it and lick it, and bite it, excite it,

select it and wreck it, lay it and pay it, but they cannot talk to him. So

without further ado, I'd like to introduce our three blindfolded ladies,

here they are now!

Oh, we're on? Oh, shit. Oh, weren't they a bunch of cuties? All right, wouldn't

mind getting them myself.

And so much for our three women.

Let's meet the mystery guest, the one with the schmeckle.

Here he is. Bring him on out.

Bring him on out.

Oh, you're touching me like you know me.

Oh, baby. Nice to see you. So how are you doing? Any good films coming out?

Are you circumcised?

That's a clue for the girls now, isn't it?

Are you feeling good these days? You're still living in sunny California?

That's nice. How come he's not singing? Oh, that's right. He can't speak. I

almost forgot.

All right, now. Go and take your place along with our pretty female ladies.

And you have to wait for them now. Don't get carried away, you little devil.

And the game is about to begin.

Contestant number one, are you ready?

Now, folks out there in our studio audience may not realize this because

a blindfold.

She is Oriental.

And mystery contestant, are you ready?

Yeah, he's all set.

All right, dethrone, derobe, and you may now begin.

For the benefit of our home viewers, the mystery dick belongs to John the Wad

Holmes.

All right, the clock is ticking.

Uh -huh.

Go to it.

All right, this is what we call cunnilingus.

He is eating her pussy.

No,

it is not Eric Edwards, and it is not John Leslie.

You lose.

Well, well, well, well.

Now, what have we got here?

Jesus Christ, no seatbelts?

Chief, this is Scorpio, and I think I've penetrated the very brain of their

operation. I'll get back to you as soon as I've created a little bit of mayhem.

Okay,

are you two ready now?

You may begin.

This is known as fellatio, or administering a blowjob.

We also call it cockducking.

Very nice.

Excellent technique.

Good use of the hands.

Notice how she corrects the shaft and the balls.

Okay,

and can you guess who it is?

Oh, shoot.

Now, let's see.

Whoa.

Hey, contestant number three, are you ready?

Oh, my, she's ready.

They're going at it already.

Oh, yeah.

Testing the board, making sure it was all right. Perfect now. It runs perfect.

Well, Howard, I've decided something else more constructive for you to do

your hands.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Want to follow me?

Practically anywhere.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Okay, it's got to be... It's got to be Ron Jeremy. No, it is not Ron Jeremy.

He's not good -looking enough.

How about... How about... How about...

Mmm,

hairy rings.

There goes another loser.

And now, for our big finale...

It's the big roundup of them all where the man is going to jerk onto three

attractive faces.

You may begin.

We call this part holding one's own.

Come on, girls.

How do you feel and guess who that spermatozoa belongs to?

And time is up. Ah, you lost.

He's so flirty.

Oh, God, that's disgusting.

Well, folks, all right, time is up. Oh, what a mess.

And since you girls did not guess who it is, take off your blindfolds and you...

See that?

I suggest you girls get yourselves a towel and you get your robe.

Nice work there, folks.

You all come back again to KFCX TV.

Oh, what a mess. Will someone come here and change the sheet here? Oh, this is

disgusting. Oh, that's the same hand, isn't it? Oh, God.

You know, you guys aren't paying me enough for this, you know?

God damn.

Cut. Good.

Now sit down and enjoy the show.

Uh -huh.

you watching me.

I know that you want me.

Well,

well, maybe a little bit.

Don't you?

Don't you want to fuck me?

Oh, yeah.

Do you want to stick your cock in my pussy?

Oh, yeah.

Suck on my tit?

Oh yeah.

Just take your cock in between them? Yeah.

Wow.

Oh wow.

What do you thought?

I don't know what to say.

Don't say anything. Just do something.

Oh, you should feel how wet my pussy is. Oh, I want to. I want to. I want to.

Oh, what a job.

Tell me.

God, those are special effects.

If ever I've seen them.

Howard, would you mind doing this for me?

Oh, okay.

You nervous, Howard?

No, no.

I'm not nervous. I've seen this a thousand times.

On TV?

Yes, I've seen you on TV. I've been a big fan of yours for a long time ago. A

long time now, yes.

First thing you have to do is take this off.

Me or you?

Me.

Stand up.

Don't be so shy, Howard. Well, I mean, I'm just, you know, like I'm a

maintenance guy. I don't know from this.

I'm sure you are.

She can't see you.

Oh, my God.

Are you scared?

They're going to bite you.

You're going to bite them.

Oh, God.

Oh, Kathy.

Oh, yeah.

What was that?

Just maintenance control, yes.

New technology. We have a new signal system whereby they tell us when we have

something else to do, something else to clean up, so I'm afraid that we're going

to have to... Maintenance central? Yes,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, but I have to go. Maybe later.

Who knows?

Wait.

After we go off the air tonight, do you want to meet me in the studio?

Oh, yeah.

We can pick up from where we left off.

Oh, yeah.

Sure you have to go?

Yeah, I gotta go.

Later, Kathy.

Hmm.

Better let Phil know about this.

The gang at WPINK hopes you're hard and wet.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's all for now on KSEX -TV.

We hope that you enjoyed it as much as we did. Now remember, if you don't use

or abuse it, you just may lose it.

Shake and bake it, just don't fake it. This is KSEX -TV signing off now.

Oh.

Oh,

God, you're an animal.

Don't you get enough of this?

No. Oh.

Taking on a technical crew after this?

Boys ought to line up. She's taking you all on next.

Sound man, everybody.

Kathy, you in here?

Over here, Howard.

Where? I'm waiting for you.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Oh, shit, shit, oh, shit.

Where are you? Over here.

Where?

Oh, boy, there you are. I've been looking all over for you.

And I'm all yours.

Oh, I've been waiting for this.

A little small.

Not you.

I missed you.

It's only been 20 minutes.

Let me take all this off.

Don't you know how to work these?

No, honey, I'm used to boilers and other kind of stuff.

But I thought that you knew how to work anything.

Just a few things.

But I'm learning. I'm learning.

It's a dirty job. Somebody's got to do it.

Are you nervous, Howard?

No, no, no, me. No, no, no.

I hope not.

Look at those legs.

I thought maintenance meant we had to do everything.

Not everything, honey.

Well, I guess we do.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh.

Oh, Howard.

So good.

That's right.

Howard.

I have another surprise for you.

I've already got two.

You need another one?

Oh, yes.

Look over here.

Oh, shit.

We're going to take very good care of you. Oh, yeah?

um um

Thank you.

Howdy. Howdy. Just calling by?

Couldn't leave you all this by yourself, you know.

Let's stick it in? Yes.

Oh, my pussy, it's so hot.

Here goes.

Put it in the cold.

Oh. Oh.

Okay, put it in there.

And real slow, back up on it. Come on back, come on back, come on back.

Go forward, go forward real slow.

Come back.

Okay, you ride this thing like it's the last thing you ever had in your life.

Come on, baby, you move, you ride it.

Pass it back and forth like a frisbee. There you go.

Hand down.

Watch it up, Sadie. Watch it up.

Let me see it, baby. Watch your way up.

Ready?

Get in, honey. You're on your own.

I

can't

let you go further.

It'll come up my belly.

It's good, huh?

Oh, she's great.

Oh, God.

Take off, huh?

Scorpio, you dipshit.