Original subtitles

(EXHALES)

(DOOR OPENS)

Hey, ma'am, I think somebody's coming.

Oh. Uh-Oh.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh!

- Oh, my God. - Gary.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God... - (GRUNTS)

- Ah, President Meyer. - President Stevenson.

(CHUCKLES) Enjoying a stroll down memory lane?

Well, I'll tell you something, if this were my library,

I would make sure the people could sit behind the desk.

Can you even have a library?

Seems like it'd be more like a bookmobile.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- Yeah. - Oh, my goodness, you're so funny.

If only the American people could've known you for your sense of humor,

instead of your bizarre indifference to apartheid.

- President Stevenson. - Ah, Mr. Splett.

- Ma'am, I found one. - You found what?

- You told me to find all the pictures of you. - I didn't say that.

- Is that your purse? - No.

Let's go and see what else Hughes stole from the West Wing.

- You want to? - Yes.

SELINA: I think we're about to start this thing.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

SELINA: I don't understand how a guy who never cracked a book

- can open up a library. - Let me tell you something,

Hughes literally grabbed this chopper the day you left office.

Probably "Jewed him down," as Mother used to say,

when she wasn't busy telling me

he only picked me as a running mate

- so that he could look taller. - Oh, my God.

- Supermodels are your height. - It doesn't matter. She's dead. Who cares?

Hey, that reminds me, we need to find a place for Andrew's desk upstairs.

How is an ex-president's ex moving back in with her

gonna go over with small town America?

Unlike small town America, Andrew fucks me in a way I really enjoy.

Oh, whoa!

MAN: Ma'am, may I get one with you and the first ladies?

Oh, absolutely!

No Mrs. Hughes.

She must be hanging from the rafters somewhere.

- Gale! - Don't forget the first husbands.

Madame President, you look stunning in white.

Where's la presidenta?

I believe she is with President Hughes and the other formers,

taking pictures in front of Air Force One.

Wait, that wasn't on the schedule.

I think it was an impromptu thing.

They just happened to be chatting amongst themselves.

Got it. So good to see you!

Former fuckers.

This is as impromptu as a colonoscopy, except with quadruple the assholes.

Are we running from something scary, ma'am?

No. Richard, you slow down. It'll look like I'm not running.

- Gary, you go fast. - GARY: Yep.

Oh, no, that's too fast.

SELINA: Okay, folks, listen up.

I want a library.

(SIGHS) I guess I could give up the gift wrapping room.

No, no, no,

I want a goddamn look-at-the-size-of-my-dick,

brings-history-to-life, presidential library.

I'm the only living president who doesn't have one.

- And you wanna know why that is? - Because you served less than one year?

No! Because nobody gives me any respect.

I was a two-term senator. I was a congresswoman.

- A mother. - No!

I was the first woman vice president.

And America cannot forget that.

Never forget. Sorry, that's the Holocaust. Totally forgot.

- I need a monument to Selina Meyer. - An institution.

- Selina Meyer belongs in an institution. - It was a spa.

Let's do this!

Oh, you know what, we're on an airplane. I know that.

What are you thinking about for a location?

It's gonna be Yale.

Yale has the prestige. And, boys, it's where I went to law school.

So, I mean, Yale's just perfect.

- Your outfits alone are gonna be a wing. - SELINA: I know.

Dresses, belts...

Now, look, I want you to start lining up architects.

I wanna talk to every Tom, Dick, and Gehry out there.

Maybe a female candidate.

Well, we're not redoing a kitchen here, you know?

And we need to tell them that the Kennedy Library is a reference point,

'cause, you know, he was also a part-termer.

You're right.

(MAN CHUCKLES) Can I bring anything?

Ah, don't bring a thing. I'm gonna make my famous Paella Valenciana.

We're looking forward to seeing you and your lovely wife on Saturday.

All right, can't be too safe.

That sweaty pederast has ruined more kids than the common core.

Luckily, Will's anal halitosis renders him completely unbouffable.

Tell 'em why, Will.

I'm fortunate to be odious to all colors of the sexual spectrum.

So, what is it?

Speak, Professor X-Gayvier.

Minority Leader Furlong, with Congressman Shields' retirement,

there is an empty seat on Ways and Means, so...

Yeah, let me save you the peanut log

you're about to squeeze out of your face anus here.

No. You remain in detention on the Ethics Committee

with the rest of the special ed breakfast club.

Nobody in congress cares about ethics.

Jonah Ryan needs to make waves.

Dismissed, G.I. Slow.

- I'm free Saturday night. - I am shocked.

Good luck getting your precious back from those mean hobbits, Smeagol.

- Uh, Kent. - Will.

I, uh...

I'm so sorry, but, you know, a job's a job.

That's a false equivalence, but I appreciate the sentiment.

The first couple of years are the toughest, but...

JONAH: Kent! ROGER: Will!

(SALSA MUSIC PLAYING)

What is this music, ma'am?

It's Brazilian music. Andrew gave it to me.

Ma'am, could you please stop dancing?

- 'Cause I'm framing out your hips right now. - Sorry.

You know, you're using an awful lot of paint for down there.

Maybe use it for up here and focus on this.

- Yeah, let's give the people what they want. - Okay, that's really...

- I'm sorry, that was too much. - ...way out of line.

Knock, knock. Sorry to interrupt. Can we take five?

Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry, Helen. Just five for a second.

No, Gary knows how to do this.

- Okay. Sorry. - What are you doing?

- Evidently. Yeah. - God damn it, what is it?

- We have been rustling the bushes... - Yes?

...and it turns out that people are considerably

more interested in your library

than they are in adult literacy or AIDS.

Well, I guess AIDS had a good run.

It did. Um...

I have a Pakistani industrialist friend

who's interested in donating $20 million if you get his cousin off the no-fly list.

As long as he promises not to blow up my library,

I mean, I don't really give a shit.

- Sure. - Okay. Richard!

I've been standing here the entire time, ma'am.

Just trying to keep still in case I'm in the painting.

No, you're not in the painting. Come here.

So, listen, in terms of the library, I really wanna have a reflecting pool.

Someplace for people to come and sit

and reflect on what this cock-suck of a country did to me.

- My pen's just out of ink. - Let's go.

I'm gonna scratch it into the paper and then kind of go back over

and trace over and see what I wrote before like in a suspense movie.

Also, we heard back from Yale and their response was emphatic.

- It's a no. - (GARY GASPS)

Okay, Helen, I'm so sorry. Can we just take another five?

Gary, I don't know why you keep doing that because...

- Okay, just get back. - Yeah.

What did Yale say? What did they say exactly?

They said the Sherman Tanz pardon was unsavory

and not in line with the values of Yale.

Then they asked for a donation to their annual fund.

How much do we send?

Okay, who else do we know that went to Yale that can help us out?

I did. I can call my RA. We're still pretty close.

Okay, well, that's, you know...

Well, your undergrad alma mater, Smith College,

said they were open to exploring.

Just like a Smith girl open to exploring.

Lesbians would really know how to run a library,

- I can tell you that much. - It might not be a bad idea.

A woman president, women's college, three hours from New York.

And the fall foliage is amazing!

You know what, can I just say something? Fuck Yale University.

- Fuck Yale. - Yeah.

I'm not really comfortable with that kind of language.

Fuck Yale University. We're going with Smith.

Ellen. Have you guys seen Ellen?

- Who? - MIKE: My daughter.

I had to bring her to work today

and we're playing hide and seek, and now I can't find her.

- I'm here, Mike! I'm going to hide again! - Oh, shit!

- Oh, my God. - Okay, no, we're not hiding anymore.

We're going to sit at Daddy's desk with an iPad.

She's too much!

How the fuck long was that kid here for?

I think just since today, but can't be sure.

- We about done, do you think? - Well, we just got started, ma'am.

What?

It may look sunny,

but with temperatures plunging down into the single digits,

the Coney Island Polar Bear Club is really earning its name this year.

Hey, guys, wait for me!

Yeah!

All right! (EXCLAIMING)

- Oh, my God! God, it's cold! - (LAUGHING)

It's great, right?

I don't think this is working.

- Well, obviously... - Denise!

I'd cut it.

I'm sure that there are some bored housewives out there

that would enjoy ogling your Walter Cronkite.

But to me, it looks like local morning news from, I don't know, Delaware.

No, it's so Delaware. Yeah, of course.

Denise!

Jane, this piece was your idea. I didn't even wanna do it.

Danny, I respect what you are trying to do, but maybe this isn't the best fit.

"Not the best fit" the piece or "Not the best fit" you and me?

Mostly the piece.

- Hey, Jane! Okay. - You're late.

Honestly, it could've gone worse.

JONAH: Did you see that?

I was standing right there, and Furlong didn't invite me

to his little power broker dinner party. I love Paella.

Wives in this town make the social calendar.

Mrs. Furlong likes inviting couples, not unregistered sex offenders.

If you wanna position yourself for higher office long term,

you will need a committed partner, specifically, a woman.

Fuck that dated paradigm!

I am a balling bachelor sexual congressman,

and I will be passing bills by day and smashing gash by night.

Congressman, being a bachelor in this town means you're gayer than a TV evangelist.

God damn it! I hate homophobia.

If it's any consolation, statistically speaking,

married politicians have more sex with more single women

than single politicians.

Fine. Find me Mrs. Ryan.

- Okay. - Not my mom.

I don't give a damn what people say about Hoyt Steptoe,

but when my opponent spreads lies about my wife?

How dare you, Buddy Calhoun?

How dare you?

No, he isn't. He's crying.

(LAUGHS) What a fucking girl!

Can I borrow you for a second, Miss Brookheimer? (CLEARS THROAT)

I did not do this, absolutely, positively.

Fine, I did it! But that's my job.

I need to clear my head because this whole campaign

is not going the way I envisioned it.

Oh, what did you envision, Woody,

that you and Buzz Lightyear would win this election

and Andy would play with you again?

Will you play that back? I wanna see him cry again.

- MIKE: All right, hit POTUS SUV. - Mmm-hmm.

- Now, select playlist. - Mmm-hmm.

And, voilà.

- There you go, babe. (CLEARS THROAT) - Oh. Oh, I like that.

Hey, who are we meeting with again today?

The president of Smith College, Regina Pell.

Gigi Pell. God, that's a blast from the past.

- Aw, you were college buddies? - No, I don't really remember her that well.

Also, estimates for construction are coming in at $300 million.

- Oh. - What?

The money's out there. We just can't get our hands on it right now.

How do you get this to read the texts and emails out loud?

I mean, can we reallocate some of the money from the Meyer Fund to the library?

- Absolutely, yes. - That's actually a felony.

We just tell 'em that we have it all...

And then we just shuffle papers around until it looks like we actually do.

- Okay. - That's also a felony.

In order to find an ideal match, the restaurant, table, food, and time

will be the same for every date to establish a control.

The girl will be different.

Jesus, Kent. He's just gotta go to a laundromat, meet a girl,

take her to a movie, a little chit-chat,

couple three drinks, standard hayjay in the cab home,

and a year later, he's a father.

Why do you make it so goddamn complicated?

You know, one time, I tried hitting on a girl at a laundromat.

For somebody with broken English, she was real uppity.

- There's your answer. - Carry on.

Every potential mate has been preselected from the online dating pool of DC women,

ages 25 to 30, with a strong interest in marriage to you in particular.

Son of a bitch. I'm gonna go broke paying for all those dates.

Unlikely. There's only four.

We had to extend to the greater Baltimore, Arlington, Alexandria area to find them.

- Well, we got a "Maybe" in Delaware. - That's right.

- She's waiting to see your hair grow back. - So, maybe five?

I'd budget for four.

SELINA: I must say I'm just blown away

that you were able to raise so much money so quickly.

You know what, I think I'm gonna go buy a Splett shirt... Uh, sweatshirt.

Yeah, that's what we call it in my family.

Okay, great.

- Hi, ladies. - Well, this could not come at a better time.

The Selina Meyer Presidential Library

and School for Public Policy and Women's Studies

is just where we need to be headed.

I think that title is a bit of a word salad.

Maybe trim that last part about women?

And of course, you would be offered a full tenured professorship.

- Now, would that mean I would have... - Teach? No. God, no.

- Because... - Your schedule...

My schedule is just constantly...

- In flux. - ...fucked.

Flux. That's what I said.

- Did you wanna hang that? - Yep.

Great.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

- Look at us. - I just... I can't believe it.

- Do you remember that night junior year? - No.

Chardonnay on the quad after Julia Child Day?

You know what, I'm strictly a scotch girl and I always have been,

so, I never really experimented with Chardonnay.

Um...

So, I think you've got me confused with somebody else.

I don't think I was confused.

- Good for you. Yeah. - Yeah. All right.

- So... We're going up here? - Yes, we are going up here.

I understand you girls have some questions about the library?

Yeah. You know what, actually, just before that...

Mmm-hmm. Sure.

I wanted to ask you about your controversial pardon

- of Sherman Tanz... - Renee.

...and the recent revelations of widespread abuse

in his women's prisons that he owns in New York.

- Wait till she crosses her legs. - Sure, okay.

Things aren't always as black and white as they may seem. Um...

Now, now, now...

Not that it matters,

but as a nephew of a survivor of the Holocaust...

- Mmm... - Hmm.

Sherman Tanz is particularly sensitive to prison conditions.

And he is intimately involved with every aspect of his company.

Now, that being said, he had no idea what was going on.

And he immediately fired the number five man in charge

as well as a couple of sixes.

- But, you know, the male-dominated media... - Yes.

...they just can't help themselves.

Sadly, it's what I've come to expect

from the gatekeepers of this patriarchal

- "Phallus Quo." - (LAUGHTER)

SELINA: I apologize.

That's why it's so vital that we have a school for public policy...

And Women's Studies.

TBD, uh, here at Smith.

- Yes. - (APPLAUSE)

It's the first woman president, y'all!

Yeah, holla, holla, holla.

Thank you.

(BABY CRYING)

Sorry, ma'am. Wendy's mom couldn't babysit today.

But we can keep cracking away at that prologue.

I've got some exciting ideas.

I hope one of them is changing out of that shroud of urine.

Say bye-bye.

It doesn't have to say goodbye.

Remember that we have the fundraiser for the library tonight?

- I do, yes. Huh? - Wear something tight.

- That's not for them, that's for me. - Oh, God. You are bad!

Agreed.

Hey, Dad, can you move your desk? It's where Marjorie and I...

- Gary, you gotta give Mike one of your shirts. - They're bespoke tailored.

...until Mommy and I figure out

our new co-living arrangements.

Well, I guess I'll just wrap gifts on the sidewalk.

I thought you'd be more supportive.

Remember, in seventh grade, when you ran away?

You were crying and crying 'cause you wanted Daddy and I to get back together.

And you sent me to etiquette camp.

Yes, where you learned to interrupt, evidently.

- (BABY CRYING) - Did Mike bring his babies?

Those babies are so delicious, I could eat them.

Well, that would quiet them down.

- Speaking of, Dad, Mom... - Gary.

Marjorie and I are having a baby.

What? (LAUGHING)

This is wonderful, wonderful news.

Wait a minute, what? One of you is pregnant?

Congratulations. So, which one of you is the carrier?

Oh, we're not pregnant yet. We're just gonna look for a sperm donor.

If Catherine's uterus is as loamy as the doctor says,

you're gonna be a grand ma'am.

- But I'm only 49. - (GARY CHUCKLES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Let's catch up later. I have to jet.

Wait, you're leaving now?

This is thrilling news! I have to tell the world!

Yeah, but... Okay.

Hey, just so you guys know, you gotta be careful with sperm banks.

- Did you hear about the one in Georgia? - No.

Turns out the guy was actually a mentally ill felon.

Oh, my God. Can you imagine having a baby in Georgia? Jesus Christ.

You have to pick someone you know that you trust.

Why don't you use Gary's sperm? It's just sitting there gathering dust.

(LAUGHING)

I mean, if it came to that.

God, I wish there was some way we could do this without men.

- No offense. - None taken.

Okay, I can't look at you, Cape Fear, until Gary gets you a shirt.

- What size are you? - Me? Large.

(SIGHS AND LAUGHS)

Hey, do you know how they remove a cancerous testicle?

No.

A lot of people think that they just slice one off, right?

What they really do is they make an incision just a little bit further up,

and they go in and they grab the testicle and they pull it out of the scrotum,

and out through the body. And I know what you're thinking.

The one that I still have, like, it works just fine.

- Of course. - All right, so, who's hungry?

Oh, I... Yeah.

You can get a dessert or an appetizer, but not both.

Dessert, then. I got a sweet tooth.

Okay. Question, do you have any current pictures of your mother?

- I'm gonna need both front and rear. - You know, I just gotta run to the bathroom.

- All right, cool. No, of course. - Great.

Oh, the bathroom's through that way.

Okay, so, who's the big, swinging dick at this fundraising gangbang tonight?

David Sloane, hedge fund manager. He's in for a million.

$1.5 if we can get his dyslexic daughter into Smith.

Well, maybe get her to write the check. Get $5.1 out of him. (CHUCKLES)

What do you think about our little girl becoming a mother?

I'm just... I'm feeling really old.

You're being ridiculous.

People are gonna think you're the hot, young babysitter.

No, they won't.

- Like we played last night. - Oh, my God.

Stop it, Mr. Meyer.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

- Do you want a snack, or... No? - No, thanks.

AUTOMATED VOICE: You have three text messages from Helen Wright.

Is that my phone?

No, my pants didn't vibrate.

That's me. Sorry, I'll get... Turn that off.

Do you want to hear the messages?

No, no. It's okay.

- I did not recognize that command. - No.

You have to really enunciate.

No. No.

Message number one. "I can still taste you in my mouth from last night."

What the fuck is going on right now?

Oh, boy, we should not be listening to that.

That's probably to her boyfriend, or something.

- What the fuck? - I imagine she's texting

while riding her bicycle and sent it to me by mistake.

Second message. "You came so much.

"Andrew, we ruined your wife's pretty office chair.

"I get so hot thinking of the president sitting in our love puddle.

"Call me after the fundraiser."

That was a long one. She must be at a light.

Look, Lee.

Not one fucking word.

You are the devil!

You are the fucking devil!

SKID, Gary! Stop!

GARY: I swear to God! I will kill you! SELINA: Stop it!

- WOMAN: President Meyer! - Hello.

Hey! So happy to see you.

MAN: Does the library have a name?

It's the Selina Meyer Presidential Library and School for Public Policy, and that's all.

We're really excited. Really, really excited.

Thank you so much. Yeah, we have a lot of good friends here.

So, luckily, the doctors were able to remove the mass without a full mastectomy,

so I got to keep my nipple.

Woo-hoo! Right?

I'm gonna go ahead and be honest with you.

That was the most disgusting story I've ever heard.

I can't finish my chicken piccata.

Excuse me. We're gonna get her dessert to go.

Sorry, I think I have to use the restroom, okay?

The restroom is that way.

I mean, I just can't believe I fell for it again!

Andrew is very hard to get rid of.

He's like the herpes virus, or an unwanted child.

In this case, he gave me both.

You can't just be that woman who's standing by her man,

smiling like lobotomy Barbie while he goes fucking...

- I know. I know, but, Amy, do you think that.. - Ma'am, I gotta go.

Well, Amy Brookheimer just hung up on me. Doesn't get lower than that, does it?

Oh, you are really loving this, aren't you?

Well, I just didn't wanna tell you, "I told you so," but...

Well, because you didn't.

Right? You just rolled your eyes like the world's bitchiest mime.

Like you just did right there. I just...

- And there it is again, see? - CATHERINE: Hey, Mom.

I just wanted to see how you were doing.

God, I'm really starting to understand this whole lesbian thing now.

Glad you're coming around.

I'm just getting drunk here on Gary's great bourbon from his inbred backwoods family.

- What? There is zero inbreeding in my family. - Well, that's not true at all.

And only case of schizophrenia,

but my uncle-grandpa had her sterilized, and we are all good in that area.

Now, he's just going on and on for no apparent reason.

Listen, honey, I want you to tell your whore of a father

- that I fired the art skank. - Yeah.

Well, I'm not gonna tell him you said that,

but I am really sorry that Dad did this to you.

Aw.

That is just the sweetest thing.

We're just one big, happy family!

- No. - Okay.

You know what I'm thinking?

Maybe this isn't a good time for you to get pregnant.

You are the worst.

- What? - Where is that... What?

- That's from her father. - Yeah.

Ma'am,

you are unstable and manipulative,

and I worry about the genes you'll pass down to our child,

but your ex is worse.

I appreciate that. Means a lot. You're like a son to me.

- Thank you, ma'am. - You can call me "Mom."

Thank you, Mom.

Except, you know, it doesn't quite sound right,

you know, when you hear it out loud.

- So, let's just stick with the "Ma'am." - Ma'am.

- Yes, ma'am. - Yeah, yeah, thank you.

- Yeah, that was a good edit. Really good edit. - Right? Yeah.

- Go back to where we were with that. - Yeah.

(GRUNTS)

- Do you wanna label any of these boxes? - No!

And I want all the touch screens to say that they're powered by my clean energy initiative

'cause those ecotards love that shit.

- Do you want a butterscotch? - Nothing for me.

- Ma'am, bad news. - What?

Helen Wright is going public with you firing her.

It's in the Post and getting traction elsewhere.

Jesus Christ!

She's telling the world about how she was blowing Andrew in my office chair?

No, ma'am, it's mostly about how Andrew pursued her,

how she's the victim, how she lost her job,

- and then there's this nickname stuff. - What nickname stuff are you talking about?

Apparently, Andrew kept referring to his penis as the "First Chubby."

- Oh, God. All right, your fly is down. - What?

Oh, wait, guys, we don't have a problem.

Helen signed an NDA. We're gonna sue her for breach of contract.

Well, we could had we paid her.

- Who was in charge of that? - Andrew.

Okay, well, fucked again by the First Chubby.

- And both of your shoes are untied. - How did that happen?

I got one theory.

- Oh, my God. - What?

This Helen thing is exploding. It's everywhere.

Are you sure you don't wanna hire a communications director?

Okay, fine, you're hired.

- Congratulations! - What are they saying?

Well, they're mad at you for victim-blaming Helen for Andrew's behavior.

- You're fired. - Tough break, buddy.

I'm the only one who didn't do anything wrong in this trifuckta.

- And now, I'm wearing the scarlet letter? - Oh, my... That is your color.

Oh, ma'am, look how excited they are to see you.

Wait. You know what? You might not wanna look out the window.

No justice, no library!

- No justice, no library! - I understand everything.

I'll tell you something, I can tell you're very emotional

because I am very emotional, too, about this issue.

Helen Wright is a victim!

I think that we are both victims in this circumstance.

- How the fuck can you say that? - I can say that...

- Don't talk over me! - Okay.

I think we need to tone down...

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

JANE: Scandal continues to dog Selina Meyer...

What is this snapping?

...as allegations of sexual misconduct swirl around her ex-husband, Andrew Meyer.

And speaking of politics, he's 28 feet tall and only bathes once a year.

That's right, Jane.

The Lincoln Memorial has been undergoing its annual cleaning,

so, I'm heading to DC.

Gonna check in with the people down there that are involved with the project.

Very exciting stuff.

What fun!

- Don't forget to pack your long johns, Danny. - (CHUCKLES) Will do.

So, until tomorrow, I'm Jane McCabe.

- And I'm Danny Egan. - See you in the tomorrow.

- And we're clear. - Denise!

- Do me a favor. - Sure, man.

Wrap that wire around my neck until I'm dead.

(PROTESTORS CHANTING)

REGINA: I am so sorry about the protest out there.

I don't like the word "Shrill" because it's so misogynistic,

- but in this case... - REGINA: Believe me, I understand.

- I mean, there isn't a tampon in the world... - Right?

...big enough to soak up that messw out there, my God.

So, um, I think the architects are meeting us today, or...

Selina, we have to put the library on hold.

What? Because of those 18-year-old bitches out there?

What am I supposed to do, rehire Frida Swallow?

- Well... - Well, that's not gonna happen.

- It would totally defuse their rage. - No, no, no, no.

It would show that you listened if you made a public show of embracing her.

No, that's like Princess Di hiring Camilla Parker Bowles to be her limo driver.

I mean, I'm just... You know, although in that case,

it would've worked out better for her, obviously, but...

Selina, we're talking about your legacy for the ages.

- Oh, my God. - Just think about it.

Just... Regina, can we just take a pause here?

- Okay. - Um...

Why don't you and I go out to dinner, okay, and if we...

If we need more time, you know, let's go back to my hotel,

and we can have that Chardonnay...

I'm in a committed relationship.

Yeah, I really, honestly... I have no idea what you're talking about.

(CHUCKLING) You're just, like...

BUDDY: I can't believe I spent the night in jail.

It's a piddly DUI. In Nevada, that's practically a resume builder.

There's a guy driving drunk on the state flag right next to the guy beating his wife.

No, it's a five-pointed star.

Hey, hobos, get off the Internet. This isn't the library.

This is the dash cam footage from Buddy's arrest last night.

BUDDY: Easy! Easy, pretty lady. What, are you on the rag?

OFFICER: Calm down, sir. Hands on the hood.

It's a pretty pristine image.

Oh, yeah, you're all hot and juicy now.

I bet if I take you home to bed,

you're just gonna lie there with your BlackBerry,

and no dirty talk for Uncle Buddy then.

That is not about you.

You think I don't have balls?

Guess what, I got balls. I got big, blue balls. You wanna see them?

You wanna see my blue balls? This is them!

- Get on the hood. - Ow!

You know, I blacked out.

I don't remember any of that. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Okay? Can I count on your vote?

I'm on my way to check it out.

Um, I love Sting's solo stuff.

Say your favorite album on three. One, two, three...

- Soul Cages. - Soul Cages.

- Come on, get out of here! - Stop it.

- Are you serious? - Yeah, of course. What else is it gonna be?

- That's crazy. - (CHUCKLES)

- Can I say something? - Sure!

- You have a rockin' body. - Well, thank you.

You know, go ahead and order a dessert.

- I know you had an appetizer... - I'm not a dessert kind of girl.

Hey, if it isn't Congressman Jonah Ryan of New Hampshire.

- Hi! - This is my friend, Dan, who was just leaving.

- What are you doing? - Shit, she can see. That's a shocker.

Oh, wow. You're Danny. I watch you when I'm on the treadmill.

- Of course you work out. - It's just "Dan."

And let me give you one word of advice... Run.

This predator has roofied more women than Kappa Alpha Cosby.

Okay, that's not an actual fraternity.

So, unless you enjoy the thrill of waking up in a basement torture dungeon...

- No. - ...I'd say call it a night.

- You know, maybe I should go. - Kristal, it's fine.

It's just an unfinished basement, and he's just fucking with you.

This is for trapping me in a job that makes me long for the days of Selina Meyer.

And I'm gonna fuck your girlfriend.

- Oh, and, Kristal? - Yes.

- Hey, can I give you a ride home? - Okay.

It's the least I could do.

Sir, can I have the check?

I'm sorry, could you move your head a little bit more into the light, ma'am?

Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.

(SHUSHING)

- Okay... - Sorry to interrupt.

Smith said no.

(SCOFFS)

Will you pack up your crayons and get the fuck out of here.

What?

- Gary. - Yeah.

Oh, my God, sorry.

If there's one thing I learned in the Air National Guard,

it is respect for a woman in uniform.

I have no hate in my heart.

I love women, especially my beautiful fiancee, Amy.

But now, it is time to focus on the issues at hand

that concern the people of the State of Nevada. Let us pray.

Heavenly Father,

warden of eternal light,

teach us to love women,

but in a way that is respectful.

And also, your compassion.

And Amen.