Original subtitles

PRIEST: The lord is my shepherd.

I shall not want.

He maketh me lie down in green pastures.

He leadeth me beside still waters.

[INAUDIBLE] my soul.

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness,

for his [INAUDIBLE].

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil.

For thou art with me.

They rod and thy staff, they comfort me.

Though prepares a table before me

in the presence of mine enemies.

Thou anointest my head with oil.

My cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow

me all the days of my life.

And I will dwell in the house of the lord forever.

Amen.

Come on.

Don't let mom see you crying.

Hey, stupid.

What?

I need your help.

It's worse than we thought.

Dad owed a lot of people.

We're not going to lose the place are we?

No thanks to you.

Dad was sending you money every month.

That's none of your business.

WOMAN: It is now.

Shut up, Barbara.

MAN: Hey, hey, hey.

Every penny that he sent you came out

of my kid's college education.

Your kid's three years old.

So what.

All right.

It wasn't every month.

What are you always protecting him for?

Alex, we can't afford it anymore, all right?

You want money from the family, you gotta come work at the cafe.

You can stay down here.

What in this shit hole?

We'll clean it up.

You can start tomorrow.

Don't give me that face.

What, do you want us to lose the business?

You want to see mom out in the street?

Mom, leave that alone.

Hey, stupid, come on.

Get in there.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MYSTICAL CHIMING]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[APPLAUSE]

Freeze, you guzzbucket piece of Euro trash!

[SCREAMING]

[GUNFIRE]

[SCREAMING]

Well, looks like you just went out of style.

Now I know what you're thinking.

This tuxedo, is it Armani or Yves Saint Laurent.

Well, to tell you the truth, I forgot to look at the label.

So being that you just mowed down five of the top 10 fashion

models in the world, you better be

asking yourself a very important question.

That smell you smell, is that because you pissed

in your pants, or did I just forget

to wear my Calvin Klein Obsession for Men?

[GASP]

[GUNSHOT]

I'm writing a hit screenplay.

Norman, listen, I know you asked me not to call you at home,

all right.

But look, I just had an idea.

No, no, no, listen.

I'm telling you, this is the one.

You wanted something for Jagger Stevens, right?

All right.

A fashion model who's really a cop.

I already got a title, man... "Hit and Runway."

No, listen.

Fashion, you got your female demographic.

You blow up a couple of Ferraris.

The guys will go ape shit.

It, it has to sell.

Yeah.

Right, develop it, yeah.

Who is your main character?

Does he like mustard on his pretzels?

Or does he scrape off the salt?

I understand the registrar has asked you

all to bring in something to read.

Any volunteers?

Yes.

I don't really have a story yet.

But, um, this is how I picture the opening scene.

Interior, auditorium, day.

A fashion show is in progress.

The room is filled with rich, stuck up celebrity types.

We dolly in on the hero.

And his eyes scan the crowd.

Alex, your hero, does he have a name?

He's, you know, like undercover cop, typical.

No, no there is no such thing as a typical cop.

In the original "Die Hard", the cop

is defined by an urgent need to reconcile with his wife.

In-in "Dirty Harry" you have a bitter vigilante

who has to find redemption in an Orwellian

nightmare of thwarted individualism.

Tony.

His name's Tony.

Tony's love interest, the highest paid

model in the world, and a major babe.

She's, uh, Swedish.

Anushka.

Hey, I was going for some coffee.

I was wondering maybe if you wanted to...

Mmm.

You know, I have some vacuuming to do.

Keep a clean department.

Yeah.

That's great.

I got a Dustbuster at home.

I believe this is yours.

It, um, it fell behind my chair.

It appears to be a synopsis of your... by the way, um,

I thought it was very courageous of you to read today.

I'm Gwen, by the way.

My friend's cousin used to work as an assistant fashion editor.

So if you ever need any help with your script...

Thanks.

[LAUGHING]

It's been like, what, two years since HB?

Yeah, just about.

Oh my god.

How's Ron?

MAN: He's great.

So who's the new waiter?

I got him working weeknights.

You know how to work that thing?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Um, these, uh, [COUGH] these pastries,

are they, um, made on the premises?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, they are.

Um, I'm Elliot Springer, by the way.

And I saw you last year in that great play,

"Bottoms on Parade."

You were the, uh, third jockstrap from the left.

The arc of your character really stood out.

I mean, there are no small parts,

and you certainly proved it.

Uh, listen, um, I'm a playwright, OK, really.

And, um, I don't know if you'd be interested in this.

But, uh, here's my, here's my resume.

And, uh, these are my press clippings.

And I don't want to brag, but I was

mentioned in Michael Musto's column.

Anyway, I'm working on something new... "Chicken of the Sea."

That's what you get when a bird and a fish

fall in love. [NERVOUS LAUGH] It's a, a comedy, hopefully.

Anyway, um, there's a great part in here for you...

Ned, the shy anthropology student.

There's no nudity in it yet.

Uh, I, I'll take a look at it.

And I put my phone number on the top right-hand comer

of every page.

[PHONE RINGING]

[INAUDIBLE] it's Alex.

[BEEP]

NORM (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): Yo, Alex.

It's Cousin Norm.

I met with Ray Tilman today.

And guess what?

I mentioned "Hit and Runway" for Jagger, and he loved it.

Loved it!

Yo, Alex.

Norm, hey.

Turns out Jagger is looking to do something funny.

And Ray thought "Hit and Runway" was hilarious.

Rough detective in the hoity toity world of high fashion.

He said it was the best idea for a comedy

since "Kindergarden Cop."

Comedy?

NORM (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): Best part?

He's tired of paying $3 million a shop for scripts,

so he's willing to go with an unknown.

Here's the deal.

If you can show Ray you can write funny,

he wants you to write a first draft.

He'll even through you a little cash under the table.

Can you do that?

Can you write funny?

Yeah, yeah.

I can write funny.

How's the class going?

Great.

You got stuff you can show,

sketches?

Yeah, I got some very funny stuff, very funny.

NORM (ON ANSWERING MACHINE). Don't bullshit me, Alex.

You got a shot here.

Can you give me something by Monday?

Yeah, you got it.

Something funny on Monday.

NORM (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): On my desk.

Ciao, baby.

A shot!

Yes!

Writing samples?

Rocko and Tina's night out.

What's this?

I'm taking a movie writing class.

Really?

Yes.

Rocko walks up to Tina in a bar.

Hey, I'll be Rocko.

We'll do it together, all right?

Hey, Tina.

Your feet must really be tired.

Why is that, Rocko?

Because you have been running through my mind all night.

What are they charging for this class?

Fuck you, Frank.

You didn't think that was funny.

I won't pay nine bucks for it.

You want a second job, let me give you

some good advice... hotel motel management.

Don't forget to lock up.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I am writing a hit screenplay.

[INAUDIBLE] God, I know I don't talk to you often enough.

But you brought me this far.

Please, don't let me down now.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[BEEP]

WOMAN (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): Hi, Mr. Springer.

This is Ruth from Congenial Tax.

We have a job for you tomorrow in the midtown area.

Call in the morning for all the details.

And don't forget to pick up your time card.

[BEEP]

ALEX (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): Hey, Elliot.

This is, uh, this is Alex Andero.

Um, look, we never met before.

But I got some business I need to talk to you about.

Um, look, you know what, I'll just call you back later.

[BEEP]

Hey, um, Elliot.

It's Alex Andero, again.

Hey, I might be in your neighborhood later.

You know what, I'll try calling you back.

[BEEP]

Hey, uh, Elliot.

It's, uh, it's Alex Andero again.

Um, you know what, just happened to be in your neighborhood and I though, uh...

[BUZZER]

You've gotta get yourself an elevator.

Did you get my messages.

Uh, yeah.

That's a couple of biscottis.

Family owns a restaurant.

Do you mind if I sit down?

So, uh, I'm busy.

You're busy.

I'll cut right to the chase.

My cousin is Norman Rizzoli.

And, uh, he threw out one of my ideas

to Jagger Stevens's people.

And they're interested.

So I want you to write a screenplay with me.

Now I'll get basic story credit.

We'll share writing credit.

And the cash, I'm willing to negotiate.

What was the idea?

It, it's about a high fashion model

who solves international crimes.

[PHONE RINGING]

Uh, just a second.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

You're kidding.

Shit.

What channel?

Could you spot me?

I spotted you the moment you walked in the door.

Oh my god.

That's my line.

You heard that, too, didn't you?

They stole the whole scene!

You know who it was, don't you?

It was that, that little weasel from LA, that, that,

that mental case, the one from Suzanne

Somers's production company.

What am I going to do?

I can't call Jacobian Minors.

Listen, Michael, I'll call you back in 20 minutes.

I got company.

Could you hand me that pillow, please?

[MUFFLED YELLING]

You know when someone robs you of your work,

it's kind of like having your child

untimely ripped from your womb.

Sorry, Alex.

But this movie is just not for me.

Can I call you tomorrow?

You got a work number?

I, I don't think so.

It sounds like one of those high budget nightmares.

You might want to try Joe Esterhofs.

Just make a left when you get out the front door,

and walk about 3.000 miles.

Yo.

Maybe you don't hear what I'm saying.

Alex, I appreciate your persistence.

You'll probably go very far in life,

or in Hollywood, whichever one you choose.

But have you ever collaborated on a screenplay?

It's kind of like a marriage, only the two people

actually have to talk to each other.

OK.

Um, for one thing, I'm gay.

You're kidding.

Like completely?

I'm a gay man.

This is a gay man's apartment.

Gay face, gay wrists, gay, gay, gay, gay.

This wasn't obvious to you?

Oh!

Oh, sorry.

Hi, Joey!

Oh, hi.

The playwright, I, I gave you my play.

You didn't read it yet.

I have been really busy.

"Hollywood Premier."

Yeah, showbiz Bible.

Hey, is that... w-w-would you mind if I?

Oh my god. $2.5 million?

What?

Somebody just asked me to write for Jagger Stevens a script.

Wow.

Alex something.

His family owns a restaurant.

He had some story about a cousin who's a producer.

I think he was on drugs.

Uh, uh, Norman Rizzoli.

How did you know that?

Alex Andero.

I work for his brother.

You mean over at the cafe, really?

Yeah.

Hey, you can keep that.

And, uh, you know, if, if you decide to work with Alex,

I'll see you around the restaurant.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Come in.

Just grab a seat.

I just, uh, I'll just, uh, sit over here.

Listen, before we get started, first of all, I'm straight.

Because of what you said earlier about writing being like marriage.

I was exaggerating.

We don't even have to be friends.

I, I'd prefer that.

You know, professional.

It's nothing personal.

Unless you think you can't handle yourself around me.

You're not attracted to me.

You're not physically repulsive.

Really?

Then again, you're not my type.

Oh, good.

That deodorant. Phew.

Heh, you should smell me before I put it on.

You want to smell my breath?

I'm sure it's revolting.

Great.

So, I guess, I guess we should just get started.

What I basically see is there is some kind of smuggling ring

going on down at the modeling agency, cocaine maybe.

OK.

My next thought is how do models smuggle cocaine.

Well, first I thought they could swallow it.

But that's not funny.

Besides, models only eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner,

like they're going to eat Glad bags full of crack.

So then it hits me.

Where else would beautiful women be carrying

little plastic bags about yay big?

You ready for this?

Breast implants.

You, you like that?

So their breasts would double for luggage?

Product placement.

We could write Samsonite across their brassieres.

Should I, should I write that down?

No.

What are, what are those?

Uh, these.

"The Incinerator," "High Voltage," "Death Squad."

Some of these are pretty violent.

How bad could they be?

[GUNFIRE FROM TV]

[LAUGHING]

[GUNFIRE FROM TV]

Oh shit.

One way we can make the violence funny is by cranking it up.

You know, like that scene where, uh,

the bald guy gets his head chopped off.

In our movie, he should get his head chopped off.

It should fall out a 30-story window, roll out into traffic,

and then get hit by a station wagon full of cub scouts.

Steamrolled.

ALEX: Yeah. [LAUGHING] Now you're talking.

Sure we shouldn't be taking notes?

Yeah, it's all etched in my memory like the Holocaust.

Ow!

Hey, you like that?

1981, Little League Champions.

Where are you going?

I wanted to make this work.

But short of a complete frontal lobotomy,

I don't see how I can make my thinking coincide with yours.

Alex, the film you want to make is demeaning to women.

It's demeaning to men.

It's demeaning to amoebas.

I thought you wanted me to write a romantic comedy,

something sweet like, like, "The Little Mermaid."

What we just witnessed down there

is more like "The Little Mermaid" meets Mrs. Paul,

and gets turned into a fish stick.

Oh hey, guys.

How's the script coming.

It's...

Just, just promise me one thing.

When you become rich and famous, you

gotta bring me out to Beverly Hills to be your pool boy.

God, what am I doing?

Could you really see the two of us together?

Well neither could I.

Hey.

You like that guy?

Because, you know, Joey, he seemed pretty impressed, huh?

You know, like if you play your cards right,

you might work some kind of date out of this whole thing,

you know, a little romantic rendez vous-ing.

Hopeless.

Hopeless is not a word in my vocabulary.

I suspect there are lot of words that aren't in your vocabulary.

Listen.

I appreciate your concern.

But you don't understand.

Joey is gorgeous.

I'm funny looking.

In the gay world, we have the caste system no lesser

rigid than the Hindus.

It would be like a Brahman dating an untouchable.

Sorry I wasted your time.

Hey, hey.

Come here.

I want to show you something.

What do you see?

I see a successful person.

Hmm?

Come on.

Say it.

I'm successful.

If you believe, the world will believe.

I read that in a book.

What book was that, "Mein Kampf"?

If you want something, you gotta

be able to look at yourself in the eye,

and you gotta say it out loud.

What do you want more than anything else in the world?

I want Joey to want me.

All right.

Now look in the mirror.

And tell yourself, I am a sexy man.

I'm not the type of man who inspires lust.

I bought a dildo once.

It lost its erection.

Say it.

I am a sexy man.

I don't want to be a liar.

OK.

I am a sexy man.

Now how do you feel?

Like Richard Nixon.

Oh my god.

That's him.

Look across... don't look.

OK, Elliot, Elliot!

You're forcing me to take drastic action now.

If I get you a date with Joey, will you write my script with me?

[DANCE MUSIC]

All right.

Let's get this over with.

He's over there.

No.

Pretend you don't notice him.

Come on.

I'll buy you a beer.

Excuse me.

What would you like, darling.

I'd like you to put some clothes on.

Two beers.

OK, he's seen us.

Don't, don't look.

Don't look.

What's he doing?

He's waylaid.

All right.

Turn around slowly, very slowly.

All right. [CLEARING THROAT] Now nod in his direction.

Do it all with your eyes.

He's inviting us over.

Don't.

If you go over there, any idea you had of getting of laid

can just go right out the window.

Make him come to you.

Look at you. You look like your breast feeding.

Come on.

Hold the beer bottle down, all right?

Relax.

Come on, let the bottle swing, like bull's ball,

hanging loose.

Could I buy you a drink?

Beat it.

I'm talking to my friend.

When you want a real man.

Fuck you, you big fruit.

[RECORD SCRATCH]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

You know, you were being homophobic and offensive.

It's a good thing Joey knew that guy, or he'd have killed you.

Well, good luck on your script.

You know, I almost wish we could do this.

But to, uh, get a movie down to Hollywood you need a mirac...

[KNOCKING]

Where'd you guys go?

Oh, Alex, I'm sorry about Harold, man.

Every since he's been on steroid's he's just been...

He feels terrible.

And he wanted me to give you these.

Trockaderos are doing "Swan Lake," two tickets.

Hey, Elliot, you like ballet?

Come on, this is "Swan Lake."

It's the ballet. [THUD]

Oh, "Swan Lake," the... I'd like to go see that one.

Uh, do you want to go Saturday night?

Uh, that's usually the night I sit home

and feel sorry for myself.

[THUD]

[CLEARING THROAT] Yeah, I could do that another night, I guess.

OK.

Um, 7:45 in front of the theater.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Elliot!

Elliot!

I am so sorry.

My audition went way over.

Guess what, though?

I might get a part in "Grease."

The country or the show?

Uh, I, the swan is probably dead by now.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Um, what do you want to do?

Hey, what do you think about the apartment?

I'm thinking I need something a little bit more neutral

on the walls.

You could always hang up a map of Switzerland.

[WEAK LAUGH]

Very funny.

Oh, don't.

No, don't, don't look at those.

Um, I... urn, well, OK.

Um, oh, that, that's me on "Fire Island."

That's me in "Carousel."

I was such a little queen.

I can't believe they let me play Billy Bigelow.

Hey, by the way, um, did you get the feeling

Alex was trying to push us together?

Alex, no.

Oh, oh here's my head shot.

What do you think?

It's gorgeous.

But...

What?

I'm not supposed to tell you that.

Why not?

Uh, for one thing you probably already

know that you're gorgeous.

Uh, I recently learned that there's some kind of rule

against drooling on a first date.

Oh, so this is a first date.

Mm.

Any other rules I should know about?

Yes.

Uh, no.

Well, um, rule number two, keep my mouth shut.

Why?

Because if I start talking, I might reveal something,

something like I have a huge crush on you.

Oh!

Don't, don't look at that.

[INAUDIBLE]?

You keep a picture of Barney Miller in your photo album?

Are you two related?

I happen to like Jewish men a lot.

Well, um, I happen to like Jewish men a lot, too.

But I don't walk around with a picture of Ben-Gurion

in my wallet.

I, I think they're hot.

I mean, being Jewish is great.

But I just don't think of it as a sexy religion.

I mean, you would never see a Jewish pom movie.

[JEWISH ACCENT] Oh yeah, slap that tuchus.

Oh yeah.

You're really turning me on.

There's something about those "ch" sounds that... oh.

They go right through me.

Do you mean like Channukah?

OK. [WHIMPERING] Stop that.

Pesach?

Oh.

Chazerai?

Chhhhhh.

Yeah!

OK, anything in Yiddish.

Meshugenah.

Fiddler on the Roof! (SINGING) If I

were a rich man, (SINGING).

Chh... Oy.

THREE WEEKS LATER

Do you like my room?

I, uh, may need something more neutral on these walls.

You could always hang up a map of Switzerland.

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah, right.

What if I told you I was an undercover cop?

Cops gotta be quick on the trigger.

And, uh, you have a slow hand.

Well, if I remember right, you never complained.

[OOHING]

Alex, um, you've certainly made progress this month.

But Anushka, is she still Swedish?

No.

She was bom in Dallas in 1970.

Her father was a Southern Baptist.

Her mother was a Sephardic Jew who loved Ingmar Bergman films.

In 1989...

Thank you.

Thank you.

[CLAPPING]

Sorry.

Thanks.

"One on One."

Are your writing about basketball?

Oh, not really.

Well, actually, um, it's about a girl on a basketball team.

But... you know I played some ball in school.

Oh.

Yeah.

If you ever need some expert advice.

Would you?

Yeah.

If it's not too much trouble, that would be great.

Well, oh, now's not good.

But...

OK.

Hey, you know what?

We're in this together, right?

Excuse me.

Gwen, could we have a, a chat out

in the hall for just a minute?

I just want to discuss, you know,

your commitment to the process, OK?

OK.

That was wonderful, Alex.

I didn't know you could act.

I do a little bit of everything.

Um, if you'd like to schedule another reading,

I'd be available for rehearsals.

Call me.

My number's on the back.

Hey, Elliot.

We got a hit.

We got a big, fucking blockbuster hit.

I'm talking $200 million.

You're a noodle doodle foodie pop.

I gotta call you back later.

We got...

I love you, too.

Look, when we sell this thing, we

gotta hold on to marketing rights.

I'm talking bubblegum cards, action figure... what is this?

"Hit and Runway."

Our script?

The script we're going to write.

Remember when you said I worry too much?

You were right.

I just wasn't being true to my vision.

What we were writing together, you and I, [SIGH]

it was just some cartoon copy of a love affair.

Are you fucking out of your mind?

Geraldine?

Jagger's not going to fall for girl

named Geraldine, a nerdy four-eyed fashion editor.

Small breasts, apologetic, with a slight stammer?

We're writing an action film, not your life story.

Sometimes we have to kill our babies.

Give me that.

No!

You're not getting anymore ice cream, Elliot,

until you answer me a question.

What was so terrible about what we were writing?

It was funny.

It was sexy.

Anushka, the leading lady, she was two-dimensional.

What are you talking about, two dimensional?

She was stacked.

I just didn't find her interesting.

Well, maybe you didn't find her interesting because you're...

Or maybe because I'm I can tell when women are

being exploited and trivialized.

As a gay Jew, I can identify with the oppression of women.

Well, as a straight Italian, I can identify with Jagger.

And let me tell you something, Jagger's

not going to fall for some mousy little chick.

Joey's falling in love with me.

How long have you known this guy, three weeks?

Oh my god.

Would you look at that moon.

[GIGGLING]

Where are you go... hey.

That's it?

No more discussion?

OK, OK, OK, OK, wait, wait.

Look, look.

I'm willing to make some minor changes, all right.

But Anushka, she's still got to be a babe.

I mean, that's where I draw the line.

All right?

I mean the leading lady, I don't give a shit what you name her...

all right, Zelda, Gertrude, whatever.

I mean, she's got to be beautiful.

She will be beautiful.

She'll have inner beauty.

[HONKING]

Be with you in a minute.

Uh, now before you say anything, maybe I

was being a little extreme last night.

So, uh, I think we can compromise.

We'll keep Geraldine as a love interest.

But we'll give her this scene where

she takes off her glasses.

And Jagger, he perceives her as being conventionally pretty.

OK, and, and, I... I, you know, this

is just some of the best writing I've ever done.

[INAUDIBLE] coffee?

[PHONE RINGING]

Joey?

Hi, sweetie.

Uh, yeah, yeah.

I just told him.

Uh, he seems to take it pretty well.

No, no, no, no.

No, wear the... wear the blue one for the audition.

Blue is good for O'Neal.

It brings out your eyes.

We need to talk.

You want me to what?

From my bar mitzvah?

Um, all right.

Now control yourself, OK?

One second.

[SINGING HEBREW PRAYER]

I'm leaving.

[SINGING IN HEBREW]

I'm not even going to try to talk to you right now.

Uh, I, I'll call you back, yep.

I think we need some time away from each other.

You didn't like it?

It stinks.

She's beautiful, but nobody can see,

because she's wearing glasses?

What is she, fucking Clark Kent?

Want to work tomorrow?

You know what, I'm going to finish this script myself.

You can't.

Don't worry you'll still get credit.

I'm not going to rip you off.

Uh, that's not what I mean.

You can't.

Wait a minute.

You don't think I can write, do you?

Uh, I don't know.

You haven't written a word while I was around.

You think you're the only one responsible for this.

You were in the room.

You brought me coffee.

Fuck you.

You're not the only one around here with a sense of humor.

No offense, but you're about as funny as the floor.

The floor?

The floor.

The floor?

You know what, I've been studying you,

the way you put that little spin on the end of the sentence.

I don't need you anymore.

And give me that back... Fuck!

You gave it to me.

My jacket, fuck!

Give me a paper towels.

I don't have any paper towels.

A rag.

Give me a rag.

Here.

What is this?

Dirty underwear.

Jesus Christ.

That's disgusting.

Well, your apartment's no prize.

Alex, wait.

Wait.

I'm sorry.

I, I, I didn't mean what I said... entirely.

Alex, wait, wait.

Look, writer to writer, have you ever been in love before?

And when you fell in love?

Did you fall in love with the body? No.

You fell in love with the person.

Who'd you fall in love with?

My personal life has nothing to do with this.

Of course it does.

Where are these characters going to come from, hmm?

They, they have to, to laugh.

They have hurt.

They have to love the same way that we do.

It's only a movie.

If you, if, if you had a daughter, would

you want Anushka to be her role model, a woman who

has no higher purpose than, than looking good in a bikini.

I thought I could help you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, stupid, take an order on table six.

Hurry up.

Thanks.

Alex?

Gwen, um, Gwen Colton from class.

Hey, what you got?

Oh, well, it seemed to be working for you.

So I... hey, did you ever get a chance to read my script?

You know, I've been kind of busy.

Of course, with your own script.

Which, by the way, I thought was wonderful.

The dialogue, the characters.

You, you like the characters?

GWEN: Yeah.

Really?

Sure.

Anushka, the, the, the woman character?

Oh right, the, um, the model, mhmm?

You're an intelligent woman.

You didn't think she was too...

Um, stereotypical?

Uh, two dimensional, plastic?

See, the reason I'm asking, my writing partner...

Oh you have a partner?

Yeah.

I, uh, I had one.

Anyway, he wanted to make the female lead

like some little bookworm with glasses.

Could you imagine?

I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that.

It's just that, you know, this is an action movie.

I mean, she's got to be attractive.

For, for, for the average guy.

Did, did I tell you my partner was gay?

- No. - All right.

Listen to this. My partner Elliot, he wants to write this scene where

Geraldine takes off her glasses, and suddenly

there's this beautiful woman underneath.

You know, I just think that's dumb.

OK, now I agree with you.

I mean, what kind of idiot would fall for a girl,

just because she takes off her glasses.

And besides, and you can tell your, uh, gay partner,

in real life, when a woman takes off her glasses,

she doesn't suddenly become a beauty queen.

She, she squints.

And she gets these, um, funny little red marks on her nose.

Look right here.

You see the red marks?

Where?

See, the movies never show these.

Look closer.

Do you see them?

Anyway, um, that's what the movies don't show.

Sorry I was on the phone for so long.

Hello.

Bob, look who our waiter is.

I didn't get a chance to tell you, but after last class,

Bob offered to tutor me privately.

Two decaf mochaccinos, please.

Hey, bring this to table five.

And oh, by the way, Eileen's making Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Mom says you should bring a date.

What?

Nothing.

Oh, oh, yeah.

Sure.

"ONE ON ONE"

[PHONE RINGING]

[WEEPING] Hello?

Gwen, hey, it's Alex.

Yeah, listen, I just read your script.

I liked it. I liked it a lot.

You did?

That's wonderful.

[SOBBING] No.

Bob wanted to.

But ugh, just the thought.

I thought he was interested in my mind.

Well, I read your script. And I thought it was great.

- Really? - Really.

- You're not just saying it? - No.

- No? - No.

I mean, you know, a girl on an all-guys basketball team,

it was great.

The main character, Rachel, you don't find her too naive?

No, no.

She was a nice girl.

Nice?

I was trying to give her an edge.

No, I got that, too.

I got the edge.

And you got to the part where, um, Rachel chooses to play

and denies Jerry a spot on the team,

and you thought it made sense?

Mhmm.

Did she seem like someone who really needed to win?

I know.

I'm too nice, even in sleep away camp,

when we had to choose sides for the red team or the blue team,

I always volunteered to be purple.

Hey, the important thing is that you set yourself a goal,

and you did it.

And you know what else?

It doesn't matter what I think.

If you believe, the world will believe.

Thank you.

God, I must look awful.

I'm sorry.

Oh, this is beautiful.

Frank, are you getting this, huh?

Ma, look at the lasagna.

Oh, I hope everybody in this family is hungry.

Because we have food.

You eat lasagna for thanksgiving?

Yes.

See, we, we stuff it in a turkey.

I am going to stuff your head in the turkey.

Don't cut that.

ALEX: Easy.

Ma.

It's beautiful.

So where did you guys meet, anyway?

Oh, they're taking a screenwriting class.

You guys see that move, "Cop Land?"

We just rented it with Stallone and de Niro.

You know, I heard that Stallone had to gain weight for that.

They should have hired me.

I could have done it without gaining weight.

Yeah, you would have had to lose weight.

MAN: You, OK, mom?

Get my mom a fork, please.

[SNORING]

No, it's not going to be like this.

This is going to be the... the...

Can I see you a minute?

Is mom lying down?

No.

She's depressed.

She's not taking her pills.

I'm worried about her.

Leave her alone.

She's fine.

No, she's not fine.

She shouldn't be working anymore.

That's why I've been thinking.

I want you full time around the restaurant.

No.

I, I can't.

Alex, you can't write.

Norman says I got a shot.

Norman is a fat fuck who talks out of his hole.

Listen, I want to make you a partner.

I'm going to teach you the books.

I don't know.

Come on, Alex.

Can you imagine the Andero brothers in business together.

Hey.

Come here.

Daddy, am I as pretty as Barbie?

Oh, you're prettier, much prettier.

And if, god forbid, something should

happen to me, who's going to take care of mom?

Come here, sweetie.

Are you sure we're allowed to be here?

My best friend from high school coaches here now.

So he gave me a set of keys.

I can come in here any time I want.

Wow.

GWEN: You know, If you work full time,

you can still find time to write.

I work during the day.

I just wish I could talk some sense into Elliot.

You know, he might not be entirely wrong.

I mean, writing the heroine as an ordinary girl

might not be commercial.

But... hey, what's that you're doing?

Want to play?

No.

Come on.

No. I, uh, I really don't want...

Come on.

No.

You wrote a movie about basketball.

My shoe.

Come on, you big wuss.

OK.

Yes!

[GIGGLING]

OK, come on again.

OK

Come towards me.

Mhmm.

That's no fair.

- You're bigger than me. - Come on.

You want to learn about competition, right?

Yeah.

OK, now's your chance.

OK.

Come on, killer.

Get angry.

[INAUDIBLE].

Alex, I can't.

I just... oh, wow.

Ow.

I have a cramp.

Are you all right?

What?

[SQUEALING] My glasses.

My glasses.

Yeah, right.

Let me see.

Is this OK?

Be careful they don't break.

I need them to see.

[ACCORDION CHRISTMAS MUSIC]

FADE OUT: CHRISTMAS IN NEW YORK

The gun goes off.

Geraldine gets thrown back into Jagger's arms.

And that's how the glasses fall off.

Turn around.

Perfect.

Then Jagger lifts them from her face,

and puts them in his pocket.

I like that, in his pocket.

And then he holds her in his arms.

I like that too.

And she says, I love you.

And then he kisses her.

I, I don't like that.

At that moment she'd be flustered.

Oh, come on, man.

We're wasting too much time. Norman's starting to get on my case.

Shh.

Just give me a second, OK?

OK.

Um, all right.

So what did Gwen actually say when you took off her glasses?

I don't know. I wasn't taking notes.

OK.

All right.

Um, all right.

Let's just, let's just recreate the situation.

OK.

Here's the situation.

Some guy that I have the hots for,

he, uh, he grabs me in his big hairy arms.

And then he very delicately takes off my glasses.

OK, now, do I just recklessly blurt out my passion?

Or do I say something to mask my feeling, something, something,

to show that I'm not a pushover?

Ah, got it.

OK.

Don't break them.

I need them to see.

Wait.

That's exactly what she said.

How'd you know that?

I was a young girl myself, once.

Oh!

And, uh, and then Jagger will say,

then why don't I move a little closer?

And then he kisses her.

[GIGGLING WITH SATISFACTION] Oh, I'm giving myself goosebumps.

[TYPING]

You OK?

I'm never going to be any good.

You've come up with some good lines.

No, it's hopeless.

See, hanging around with me has already

improved your vocabulary.

It's like you can play both parts.

Well, that's because when I'm writing for Jagger,

I pretend I'm a top.

And when I'm writing for Geraldine, I pretend I'm a bottom.

It's called being versatile.

I'm not saying that you have to take it up the kazoo

to be creative.

It helps.

I, I'm just saying that you've got to be more vulnerable to,

uh, to get in touch with the woman inside of you.

So every man has a female side?

Every man?

Steven Seagal?

I'm sure under that butch ponytail he is easily hurt.

OK, that's it for today.

Oh, this screenplay is ruining my figure.

So how are you guys getting along?

Couldn't be better.

I mean, the sex has always been great.

But the last few weeks we've just gone beyond that.

What Joey and I have together, Alex, in a word... trust.

Channukah, because it is the festival of liberation

from oppression, has a special significance

to gays and lesbians.

So in honor of their recent commitment ceremony,

Sherry Zimetbaum and Sarah Rabinowicz

will light the first candle on the menorah.

[CLAPPING]

Come on.

Let's go.

What?

Now?

Don't you want to say goodbye to any of your friends?

I don't know these people.

Elliot.

[INAUDIBLE]

Who's the cute shiksa?

He's my, well, we're together.

Gary Shapiro. Are you thinking of converting?

Actually he's very happy as a Lutheran.

If you'll excuse us.

Elliot Springer, who's your friend?

Joey Worciuekowski, goy

But I'm fascinated with the Jewish culture.

What's with the eight candles, rabbi?

Well, um, 2.000 years ago they took

oil that was only supposed to last one day.

It lasted for eight.

My mother performs that same miracle with pot roast.

If you'll excuse us...

You know, Joey, I do teach a beginning class

in Jewish studies at the New School.

Oh, when do you teach, rabbi?

Call me Saul.

I can't believe it.

You were cruising the rabbi. That's the last time I take you to temple.

I wasn't cruising the rabbi.

He moved in on you like a, like a heat seeking missile.

- You're a Jew magnet. - All right. Will you stop it?

What's Rabbi Pinkus going to want with me, huh?

[SCOFFING]

[PHONE RINGING]

[BEEP]

Hello?

Hey, Norm.

What's up?

What?

You're kidding.

Who is it?

Jagger read it personally?

Three days?

We have a deadline.

Three days?

We can't finish the script in three days.

It's Christmas.

I'm going to a party.

Jagger Stevens wants to read our script.

Tuck that in.

Well, all right.

I've got two new vocabulary words for you... im-possible.

Even if you worked 24 hours a day, at the rate we're going...

At the rate we're going, Jagger would be chasing villains

in a fucking wheelchair, all right?

Look me in the eye.

- I don't want to look you in the eye. - That's because you know I'm right.

Look, Gwen thinks we can do this.

And besides, I'm going to be with you every step of the way.

I gotta do Joey tonight, OK?

We're at a very delicate point in our relationship.

I thought you said you trusted him.

I-I-I never said that I trusted him.

I just meant that if anything serious, really serious

happened, like I got mauled by a grizzly bear

he'd be there to notify the authorities.

But, but trust him not to break up with me, no.

What's this?

It's our schedule... three basic meals, bathroom breaks,

time to return phone messages.

Elliot, this is the only way that we can get this done.

I believe in you.

I believe in us.

[PHONE RINGING]

Let the machine get it.

What-what-what if it's Joey?

What's more important?

One night out with Joey, or a lifetime

of sitting on top of the world?

[PHONE RINGING]

Ow.

Hello.

Hi, Joey.

Yep, it's Alex.

Give me the phone, Alex.

Yeah, listen.

Something's come up.

Yep, major deadline.

You're breaking my wrist.

Yeah, he feels bad too.

He sends his love, OK.

Bye.

Ow ow ow ow ow.

You know what, you're going to thank me for this later.

Where are you going?

Downstairs to find a pay phone.

You want a screenplay written in three days?

Write it yourself.

[GASP]

Did you erase that?

[SIGH] Give me those pages.

Move over.

Get out.

So what did Joey say just now?

He said that you were right.

I hate you.

Where are we?

They're still in the den of the evil drug lord.

We gotta get past this.

This scene still doesn't feel right to me.

[TYPING]

Alex, um, you're, you're going to hate me for this.

But, um, objectively speaking, do,

do Jagger and Geraldine really need to wind up together?

I mean, uh, here's this guy.

He's a professional liar.

He put her life in danger.

He slept with her under false pretenses.

OK, a mercenary killer's got, what,

two years of community college?

OK, let me just try to take this in.

Writer to writer, let's look at this objectively.

So you don't feel that Geraldine and Jagger belong together.

After all the work we've done, with two days to finish

the script, you want to change your mind,

and have Jagger walk off into the sunset alone.

So Jagger doesn't get the girl at the end, any girl.

Would you hand me that pillow.

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

I knew it! I knew this was going to happen.

I'm fucked. You're doing this to fuck with me, right?

I just don't believe that Jagger and Geraldine

would have a future together.

Well, I believe it.

And even more important, Ray Tilman will believe it.

And guess what?

20 million people paying $9 a shot are going to believe it.

I'm sorry you're missing your party.

But Jesus fucking Christ.

Just doesn't feel truthful.

Well, then fucking lie.

Can you do that?

Can you lie?

Pretend they're in love.

What's with you, Elliot?

If I had 1/10 of your talent, I'd

be a fucking millionaire by now.

A guy with your brains living like this?

I mean, what's, what's with you?

Don't want to make it?

Don't you want to get in there?

In where?

There, where the money is, where the power is.

This is our chance to play with the big boys.

I am never going to get in there.

You might, but I won't.

Even if I win an Academy Award, if I become the head

of a major studio, I still will never get in there.

I will just be another little faggot with a few more zeros

at the end of his bank balance.

And by the way, I'm not doing this for Ray Tilman.

I've had too many friends trying to please

idiots like Ray Tilman.

And even the ones who buy big houses, they still

wind up living in little tiny closets.

So in answer to your question, no.

I can't lie.

I need coffee.

Excuse me.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

"Gay and Loving It!" "Gay Leadership"

GAY AND LOVING IT!

WHERE THE MEN ARE

THE GAY MAN'S HEALTH GUIDE

Hey, Elliot?

OK, I'm sorry.

And I wouldn't want you to write something that doesn't feel truthful, all right?

Elliot?

Fuck!

Jesus!

Where are you going?

Don't try to stop me.

Been bugging me all night.

Maybe it's why I haven't been able to concentrate.

Just five minutes, and we'll go back to work.

[MUSIC - "DECK THE HALLS"]

Elliot, oh my god.

Chuck, get the camera.

Get the camera and the hat.

Get the hat.

Get it. Come over here.

No, no, no, just come over here.

Come on, come on. [INAUDIBLE].

Come on.

Come on.

Joey said you weren't coming.

Where is he?

Smile, darling.

Uh, he's [GIGGLING] he's around here somewhere.

Wait here.

I'll be right back.

[GIGGLING]

[MUSIC - DECK THE HALLS]

I am a sexy man.

[SOFT GIGGLE]

[KISSING]

Oh, Joey.

Rabbi Pinkus!

At, at a Christmas party?

Joey, wait!

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

I knew this would happen.

I knew it.

How did it... how did you... the two... when did this happen?

I bumped him underneath the mistletoe.

In the bath tub?

What, what is he doing here?

I saw him on the street yesterday.

And he didn't have any other plans.

So you brought him here.

Are you going to see him again?

I should have told you this this morning.

What, that wanted to date my rabbi?

No, Elliot, listen.

I, I just want to have to tell you this over the phone.

Oh god.

I'm just not sure that I want to be with one person

right now.

He's my rabbi.

I'll never be able to show my face at services again.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

Listen, I, I don't want to leave Saul up there alone.

So...

Merry Christmas.

Should I call you tomorrow?

ALEX: Hey, slow down.

[COUGHING] They're probably up there

planning their first trip to Israel.

Come on.

We gotta get back to work.

I can't believe how much this hurts. And this is just the denial phase.

Imagine how shitty I'm going to feel when reality kicks in.

Hey, you played a game.

You gotta take the fall.

Straight men.

Blech.

You get hit in the balls, you just walk it off.

Exactly.

So you got wounded in battle. It happens.

You know, that's why they call it a war between the sexes.

This wasn't between the sexes.

OK, brother against brother.

A civil war, whatever.

Come on, let's go.

I can't!

I don't tell many people this.

You know that trophy back in my apartment?

When I was nine years old, my dad

coached my little league baseball

team, Andero's Daredevils.

We were playing Carlucci's Glassware.

It was the championship game, seventh inning.

We were down by one run.

Tony Falcone gets up.

He hits a triple.

I'm up next.

All I gotta do is hit the ball, and we score a run.

Struck out on three pitches.

Just bust into tears.

I'm ready to go home.

Know what my dad does?

Gives you a big hug, and tells you that he loves you anyway?

No.

He whacks me across the face.

And he says, don't you ever embarrass

me in front of Carlucci again.

You get your ass out there.

You finish the game.

He did what?

Next time up, I got a double.

Our team got that trophy.

God.

I thought my childhood was fucked up.

I only had to tell my father I was gay.

Hey, I had a great childhood.

He smacked you in the face.

Just forget about it.

That's, that's child abuse.

Just drink it and shut up.

How old did you say you were?

Bartender?

[MUSIC - "SILENT NIGHT"]

OK, come on.

A little work will do you some good.

Elliot, come on.

(SLURRED SINGING) Dreidel, dreidel,

I made you out of clay.

And when you're hot and ready, dreidel I will...

Hold my hands.

Hold my hands.

Yep, OK.

Oh, jeez.

We're fucked.

[MUSIC - GEORGE THOROGOOD, "BAD TO THE BONE"]

Lights.

Nice shades.

Hey, Lana.

Happy New Year.

You never called me.

You know, your feet must really be tired.

Why is that?

Because you've been running through my mind since the day

we met.

[CHUCKLING]

Well, in that case, you must be completely exhausted.

Why is that?

Because in my mind I've been fucking the shit out of you.

[MUSIC - GEORGE THOROGOOD, "BAD TO THE BONE"]

What the fuck?

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Everything OK, honey!

Argh!

Coffee!

We went out for coffee.

Jeez!

What happened last night?

I knew this was going to happen.

You never wanted to write with me.

You only wanted my body.

Where are you going?

Home, to take a shower.

I feel dirty.

Your pants.

Who took my pants off?

Did you take my pants off?

Fuck.

Where did you put them?

They were in the bedroom.

Stay away from me.

Alex, I weigh 112 pounds.

You're trying to confuse me.

Even if I wanted to use you like a woman...

All that stuff about me having a female side.

You were trying to soften me up.

I hate that.

All you gay guys, you think everybody's secretly gay.

Well let me tell you something, Jack.

This boy is 100% Grade A straight.

Where's my belt?

Where's my fucking belt?

Boo.

Ah!

Did you make a backup?

I told you not to open the window.

It's the yellow one.

No!

Wait!

Back up!

Hey, I thought you had some kind of writing deadline.

You still working with that gay guy?

Hey, me and Barbara just rented that movie, "In and Out."

I thought Calvin Klein was really funny.

Kevin Kline.

Calvin Klein's the guy with the underwear.

No, that was Marky Mark.

No, Marky Mark's that black rap singer, the guy that got shot.

ALEX: Bless me father, for I have sinned.

Um, I guess it started with this morning,

when I woke up in bed with Elliot.

I mean, Elliot and I don't usually sleep together.

Fuck.

Forget I said that.

See, me and Elliot are writing partners.

And we're trying to write this screenplay.

And the disk fell out the window.

And now I'm thinking maybe I did wrong,

maybe God doesn't want me to be a writer.

OK, here is the problem, father.

Elliot and me, we couldn't figure this one out.

The guy in our script, the girl's

supposed to fall for him.

But Elliot says that he... that she wouldn't, unless he

goes through some kind of change.

PRIEST: Your protagonist.

What?

PRIEST: Does he have a need?

Yeah.

I mean, yeah.

I guess he needs to be loved.

So why wouldn't she love him?

I mean, he, he saved her life.

He hung upside down from a helicopter.

He took a bullet in his shoulder.

I mean, what else has he got to do?

You know?

Stop being a cop, turn in his badge?

[BUZZING]

ELLIOT (ON INTERCOM): Who is it?

Elliot, Jagger's got to turn in his badge at the end of the movie.

You were right.

ELLIOT (ON INTERCOM): Go away.

He's got to get in touch with his female side.

You know, now that he's found love,

he doesn't need a big gun.

And it's not just Jagger.

You know, it, it's me, too.

Fucking pain in the ass.

ELLIOT (ON INTERCOM). I heard that.

Here's what's left of the script.

There's the computer.

I'm turning in my badge.

Oh, I got it.

I got it.

Because now I'm ready to risk it all for love.

What do you think?

I think badge has a D in it.

Start talking.

We're at a fashion show.

Jagger Stevens parades down the runway in a tuxedo.

Meanwhile, an unshaven villain heads for the exit.

Jagger spies the commotion, and pulls out a gun.

Jagger: freeze, you scuzzbucket...

Piece of Euro trash.

[SCREAMING]

[GUNFIRE]

[MUSIC - "CAROL OF THE BELLS"]

[GUNSHOT]

[MUSIC - "CAROL OF THE BELLS"]

FADE IN: EXT. CAFE ANDERO'S - NIGHT THE WAIT IS FINALLY OVER!!!

[STOMPING]

This is so exciting.

Don't you want to listen?

No, I'm a jinx.

The further I am away I am from the phone, the better.

GWEN: I've heard so much about you.

Hey.

Elliot, I don't know how to tell you this.

Jesus.

They loved it!

[LAUGHING]

They want to do it.

Ray and Jagger are going to be in New York tomorrow morning.

They want to meet us for a story conference.

That's wonderful!

You, go home.

Get a good night's sleep.

The meeting is tomorrow at eight o'clock in the morning.

All right?

I'll call you at 6:30.

I'll set an alarm.

I'll set two alarms.

Jagger Stevens wants to meet with us?

You and me?

Elliot, we did it.

Alex, it's a miracle.

[LAUGHING] Hey, 6:30.

[LAUGHING] Oh!

Oh!

(SINGING) California, I'm on my way.

What is this?

Oh, happy Valentine's Day.

Oh.

Jeez.

I didn't get you a card.

That's OK.

I am just so happy for you.

Well, hey what do you think I should wear tomorrow?

Stick around, all right? I'm going to need your advice.

So, uh, what do you want for dinner?

ALEX: What?

Nothing.

ALEX: Hey, where do you think I should live in LA?

I hear Santa Monica is nice.

All right.

Which is the power tie?

Um, the blue one.

Yeah?

Here.

Put your glasses on.

The blue one.

Really?

Mhmm.

Huh.

All right.

Hey, are you hungry?

I've got a half a meatbail gyro in the fridge.

Come here.

I won the award for best screenplay in the class.

It's $75.

It's not exactly a ticket to Hollywood.

But...

Bob, what a sleaze, huh?

Bob wasn't the only judge.

No, no!

You're right.

Alex, is everything OK?

Mhmm.

Because these last few weeks have been...

No, everything's fine.

Alex...

[PHONE RINGING]

NORM (ON SPEAKER): Alex, one more

thing for the meeting tomorrow.

Ray tells me that Jagger's hot for, uh, what was that called?

"Chicken of the Sea."

Is that the play you sent in? I never got around to reading it.

Yeah, yeah, Normie, hold on just a second, all right?

Could you just hang that up?

OK.

Thank you.

Yeah, so what's the story.

Just thought, I'll be riding with Ray from the hotel tomorrow.

And I thought we could package something. So, "Chicken of the Sea."

ALEX: Mhmm, "Chicken of the Sea."

It's, uh...

- The play you wrote? - Yeah.

Yeah, it, look, it's hard describe.

And, uh, look, do me a favor, all right.

Don't mention this in front of Elliot tomorrow.

He's a little touchy about things I write on my own.

NORM (ON SPEAKER): No prob.

Just trying to cover all the bases.

Ciao.

Would you hold that?

I'll be right back.

"Chicken of the Sea," i-isn't that

the play that Elliot wrote?

I'm sorry, this is really none of my business.

No, no.

Was that your writing simple.

It, it, it, it got us the job.

All right?

What's the big deal?

You know, I needed to show Norman that I could write comedy.

So I sent him "Chicken of the Sea."

OK.

The truth is, I wanted to tell Elliot that I put my name on his script.

You put your name on his script?

Yeah, all right?

But hey, as soon as they started sniffing around,

I pulled him into it.

And Elliot still doesn't know?

Why?

Why?

Why should he know?

Because he's one of your best friends, that's why?

He's not my best friend.

He's my business partner.

This is scaring me.

Gwen.

Gwen, Gwen, wait Gwen.

Come here.

Hey.

Come on.

You're not jealous, are you?

First Bob, and now you.

What is it about this business that

brings out the worst in people?

Gwen!

Shit!

Fuck.

[PHONE RINGING]

Ow.

I'm up.

Where have you been?

[INAUDIBLE].

Let me see your teeth.

Come on.

Is that the only tie you own?

[BUZZING]

Alex!

Hey, this must be Elliot.

Norm Rizzoli, good to finally meet you.

Listen.

Ray's inside.

Jagger's on his way up.

Can I get you kids something, a Danish?

A couple of Snappies?

Hey, Rene, take care of my boys, eh, luscious.

Can I get you something to drink?

Um club soda with lime.

You got it.

Get me Letterman.

Ray Tilman.

He knows what it's about.

Dave, you got my message?

All right, look.

Jagger will not go on after Dennis Rodman.

I'm sorry, if you want to Jagger on the show,

you can bump the freak to Thursday night.

What's this?

Yes, yes, no, yes.

What the fuck is this? [INAUDIBLE] red book.

Yeah, yeah, Dave.

I'm still here.

So how's the mileage on the new car.

Jagger's on his way up.

You two did a hell of a job.

Great, Dave.

So, you climbing this weekend?

Right.

Bye.

Guy needs a fucking life.

OK, next order of business, "Hit and Runway."

Sorry this has to be quick.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

RAY: Perfect.

Now we're all here.

First I want you to know, "Hit and Runway"

is exactly what Jagger wants.

It's funny.

It's romantic.

We're pumped.

And we're ready to cut the check, provided

you make a few very minor changes.

Studios tell me they're going to go back to basics, pure action.

So point one, yeah, we might be able to keep

some humor if we make it a buddy movie.

We give him a sidekick, one of those rappers,

a kooky Jap who does Kung Fu.

What else is funny?

Fat, fat is funny.

Point two, Geraldine, the nerdy girl.

We love Jagger being tom between two chicks.

But make them both stacked and Jagger

would have to choose between the four of them.

We got Elle Macpherson to play the good babe.

And Linda Evangelista can play the cunt.

Of course we've got to act fast before she gets too

old to give the young guys a boner.

[CHUCKLING]

OK, let's see.

Yeah, point three, evil photographer.

Obviously, this guy is not into chicks.

Great.

Gay themes are big.

But you didn't take it far enough.

He should be total fucking slime, you know, euro fag.

We don't have to actually see him take a fist up the ass.

But, you know, we know how he likes it.

That's it.

I'm leaving.

RAY: Bon Jovi, maybe.

Just give us a minute.

He's got something.

Elliot.

It's not that bad.

We can do this.

I would rather hang upside down by my testicles.

What the fuck are you guys doing?

Norman, hold it.

Listen, Elliot, I am not going to let you blow this.

Now we're going to march back in there.

And we're going to do exactly what they want.

We're out of club soda.

Is Perrier all right?

Thank you.

Great.

Please.

God, please, Elliot.

After all we've been through together,

I will get you through this, all right.

Where are you, this guy's fucking therapist?

We got a deal on the table.

Norman, please, give us a minute.

Give...

Elliot, I know you want to make the world a better place.

But can't you do that after we get rich, huh?

I don't want to wash dishes the rest of my life.

Please.

If you can't do this for yourself, do it for me.

I am doing this for you.

Alex, Alex, look me in the eyes.

Do you really think in a million years

I could write the script that that man wants?

Could you?

You want to be a writer, a real writer.

That man in there, he's the Antichrist.

He's Satan with psoriasis.

Don't give in to him.

If you do, you will set yourself up for a life so miserable

that you'll wish you were washing dishes.

Alex, "Hit and Runway" is our baby.

It deserves better than this.

All right.

Jesus!

Would you at least come back in the room with me?

So can we get a rewrite by next week.

That, uh, [CLEARING THROAT] may be a little soon.

OK, and, and you are?

Alex Andero.

How soon can you get it to me, Alex?

Um, one little thing, Geraldine, you didn't, you

didn't like the, uh, the concept that Jagger's character might

fall for, you know, a, a, a different type of girl?

In word, no.

10 days?

Yeah, uh... except, except the, um, the gay thing,

[CLEARING THROAT] you don't think that

will be a little offensive to...

Well, we gotta be a little sly.

That's why we have writers.

Two weeks?

Well, Ray, um, Mr. Tilman, the, uh, the, the script

that you're asking us to write, how can I put this?

It's just not nice.

Very interesting.

OK, now if you'll excuse me.

Hold it, Ray.

I'm not doing "Hit and Runway."

I told you before we started.

- This is what I want to do. - Look, this is not the time or the place.

No, Ray.

I've been silent long enough.

Alex Andero, I need to tell you something

in front of all these people.

Reading this play was one of the most painful experiences of my life.

Now I know what you're thinking.

Is this the end of your career, or the start of something new?

Well, to tell you the truth, I don't even know myself.

Now being that I'm one of the hottest properties in show

business, you better ask yourself

a very important question.

Do I feel lucky?

"Chicken of the Sea", Act one, a lonely, confused man,

searching for his sexual identity,

dating women with little success.

Act two, he bursts of the closet,

proclaims his true identity.

You sent this to me for a reason, didn't you, Alex?

You saw right through me.

Well now, I'm finally ready to bring

this message to the world.

Alex Andero, I love you.

He wrote it.

ALEX (VOICEOVER): You know what hurts the most?

Writing with Elliot was the best time of my life.

You know, figuring out things?

That moment when you get a piece of it,

and you just start sailing.

I mean, there were times when I didn't care if we finished,

you know what I mean?

Really, "Hit and Runway", that's what it's called?

If I were you I'd keep the title, change the story.

What do you mean?

Seriously, though, I gotta, I gotta go before you wake up.

Because this working nights is a killer.

Wait.

Wait, Woody!

Woody!

Keep the title.

Change the story.

Turn that off.

I want to talk to you.

I appreciate your being around here since dad died.

But Alex, this restaurant has been my whole life.

It doesn't have to be yours.

Hey, stupid, come here.

OK, we got a very simple system here, all right?

Money comes in.

Money goes out.

As long as this number is bigger than this number, we're doing OK.

These are the keys to the back door.

This is the warranty for the cappuccino machine.

And this one is for the bank.

You sign right there.

Any questions?

What did you call me before?

When you came in, you called me something.

I called you stupid.

How come?

I always call you stupid.

Since when?

Since you were a kid.

Ain't you been listening? Come on. Sign the thing.

Why'd you call me stupid?

Me and dad, we, we told you to do things.

You did them slow.

Maybe I did them slow because you

and dad were always calling me stupid.

You know, maybe I wasn't stupid.

Maybe I was just pissed off.

Was I stupid as a kid, mom?

Not particularly.

What else do you remember about me?

Hey, hey, hey, leave mom alone.

Come on.

Oh, for Christ's sakes.

Frank, I'm 27 years old.

And I have no idea who I am.

Dad smacked me around a lot.

How come?

Well, you asked a lot of questions.

Ma, kids are supposed to ask question.

Frank, I, I, I can't do this.

Hey, hey, get back in there and apologize.

I'm not going to be your partner, Frank.

All right.

I mean, you want me to have a normal life.

But I ain't normal.

You know, I used to be the smartest kid on the block,

until you started beating the crap out of me.

I was teaching you how to defend yourself.

From who?

You and dad?

What, you want to fight me, huh?

Come on.

You're not too old for me to take a crack at you.

Let's go!

OK, OK, come on.

Knock my brains out.

Finish what you started.

Eh, screw it.

Get the fuck out of here.

Go write a movie with our boyfriend, all right?

Write about how you wasted your money on a class.

Write about how that producer shot you down.

Write how you hung out with a homo all year.

What you say?

Write about how you fucked up your life.

That's it.

That's it.

Elliot!

We have to talk.

Listen, there's something we can do together.

I had another dream.

Hand me that suitcase.

Look, I couldn't figure it out first. But...

Jack Spring.

Nice to meet you.

Hi.

What are you... are, are you going somewhere?

I, um, I, I'm just going to visit

my parents for a couple days.

So what do you think of my son flying out to Hollywood?

Actually, uh, Jagger asked me to come out to LA

to work on "Chicken of the Sea."

Wow.

That's great.

Is he paying you?

Not really.

Maybe [INAUDIBLE].

$100.000.

You'd think he could take a cab.

Hey, Elliot, before you go, look...

Got your ticket?

Yeah.

NIECE: You forgot it last time.

Uh, Alex, this is my niece.

Hi.

So, um, you had another idea for a script?

Some other time.

Don't you need somebody to water your plants?

Oh, um, I, Alex, would, would you mind?

I, urn, I asked Michael.

But he's not here until Saturday.

So...

No problem.

I, I, I was going to call you.

But...

Hey, Elliot, I, uh, I wanted to say

I was sorry about taking your script.

It was wrong.

And, um, I don't blame you if you

never want to talk to me again.

But I hope that never happens.

[HONKING]

Go on.

Get in the car.

Um, Alex, I...

Go on.

Your dad's waiting.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CRYING SOFTLY]

[TYPING]

"HIT AND RUNWAY"

EXT. GRAVEYARD - DAY

"A RAINY DAY..."

[MUSIC PLAYING]

So, after "One on One" placed first at the festival,

I thought they'd buy my next script.

But they didn't.

So I hated LA.

But then I wrote another one, and it just got optioned.

So I love it again.

Uh, you writing something new?

Mhmm, yeah.

Um, a mean a woman, why they can't communicate,

but why they keep trying.

I mean, being Jewish is great, but you never see a Jewish porn movie.

Yeah, slap that tuchus. Hit him in the tuchus.

Hit him...

Oh, I'm, I'm telling you, you're turning me on.

There's something about the "ch" sound.

You go right through me.

He wants me to convert to Buddhism.

I hate his friends.

They hate me.

LA is repulsive.

The producers I'm working with now

make Ray Tilman look like Mother Theresa.

And I wake up most mornings disgusted with myself,

and terrified that the world is going to end.

So things are good?

I can't complain.

[HONKING]

Your movie was so wonderful.

Don't get me started.