Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,580 --> 00:00:04,960
♪ It seems today
That all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:08,340
♪ Is violence in movies
And sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,380 --> 00:00:11,920
♪ But where are those
Good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,970 --> 00:00:14,890
[all]
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,930 --> 00:00:18,390
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,430 --> 00:00:21,730
♪ Lucky there's a man
Who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,770 --> 00:00:23,190
♪ All the things
That make us ♪
8
00:00:23,230 --> 00:00:24,940
♪ Laugh and cry! ♪
9
00:00:24,980 --> 00:00:30,020
[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪
10
00:00:31,190 --> 00:00:33,360
["Jingle Bells" playing]
11
00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:44,290
♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪
12
00:00:44,330 --> 00:00:48,290
Aw, this is one of those weird
third-verse-nobody-knows
songs.
13
00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:50,550
♪ Winter killed our child ♪
14
00:00:50,590 --> 00:00:52,510
♪ Medicine was rare ♪
15
00:00:52,550 --> 00:00:54,800
♪ He ran outside
in his bare feet ♪
16
00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:56,800
♪ And then he died
right there ♪
17
00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:59,180
Glad that's over.
Oh, God, there's four.
18
00:00:59,220 --> 00:01:01,260
♪ Please don't free
the slaves ♪
19
00:01:01,310 --> 00:01:03,520
♪ It's a bad idea ♪
20
00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:05,560
♪ They'll try to
get back at us ♪
21
00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:08,060
♪ And that's
our biggest fear, oh... ♪
22
00:01:10,690 --> 00:01:14,150
And now,
Adam West High School Choir's
23
00:01:14,190 --> 00:01:15,570
original Christmas song,
"Die Hard."
24
00:01:15,610 --> 00:01:16,910
I see those looks.
25
00:01:16,950 --> 00:01:19,450
Yes, the movie was
originally released in summer,
26
00:01:19,490 --> 00:01:21,830
but it took place
on Christmas Eve,
27
00:01:21,870 --> 00:01:23,540
which makes
it a Christmas film.
28
00:01:23,580 --> 00:01:26,500
I guess we don't need this
for anything.
29
00:01:28,210 --> 00:01:32,050
[to tune of Silent Night]
♪ Die Hard ♪
30
00:01:32,090 --> 00:01:35,470
♪ Die Hard ♪
31
00:01:35,510 --> 00:01:39,050
♪ John McClane ♪
32
00:01:39,090 --> 00:01:42,600
♪ And his wife ♪
33
00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:50,360
♪ Yippee-ky-yay, [bleep] ♪
34
00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:56,450
♪ Yippee-ky-yay, [bleep] ♪
35
00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:04,450
Chris and Meg alert.
36
00:02:04,490 --> 00:02:07,160
Oh. We have to go, uh,
call our congressman.
37
00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:09,330
-What are they...?
-Hey, Mr. Quagmire.
38
00:02:09,370 --> 00:02:11,540
Getting ready
for the birth of Christ?
39
00:02:11,590 --> 00:02:13,130
Which happened!
40
00:02:13,170 --> 00:02:14,710
-Chris. Megan.
-[Meg burps]
41
00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:17,340
-Gross.
-So, how did you
like the show?
42
00:02:17,380 --> 00:02:18,680
I... I didn't love it.
43
00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:20,180
I... I-- Hey, have you guys
seen that mom
44
00:02:20,220 --> 00:02:21,970
who wears a swimsuit
for a bra?
45
00:02:22,010 --> 00:02:23,350
She can't come to these.
46
00:02:23,390 --> 00:02:26,060
Her ex-husband has a
restraining order against her.
47
00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:27,890
Boy, her stock
just keeps going up.
48
00:02:27,940 --> 00:02:29,270
So, Christmas, huh?
49
00:02:29,310 --> 00:02:32,190
-You guys must be excited.
-[burps] Ugh, not at all.
50
00:02:32,230 --> 00:02:33,820
It's always disappointing.
51
00:02:33,860 --> 00:02:35,900
Just a reminder
of how truly lonely I am.
52
00:02:35,940 --> 00:02:39,110
-Hey--hey! Seamus, my man!
-Oh, hello.
53
00:02:39,150 --> 00:02:41,450
Allow me to introduce you
to my son, Woody.
54
00:02:41,490 --> 00:02:42,830
-Hey, Woody.
-Hey.
55
00:02:42,870 --> 00:02:44,700
He's gonna be a new character
on the show.
56
00:02:44,740 --> 00:02:46,450
You're barely
a character on the show.
57
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:47,960
More than Woody!
58
00:02:52,290 --> 00:02:54,000
Meg, there's a lot I have
to get done here,
59
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,630
so I need you to take Stewie
to the mall to meet Santa.
60
00:02:56,670 --> 00:02:58,260
-Okay. Sure.
-Great.
61
00:02:58,300 --> 00:03:01,590
Now, why don't you
go warm up the car
for your little brother?
62
00:03:03,010 --> 00:03:04,760
-[door closes]
-She's gone. Quick!
63
00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:06,890
Let's take the picture
for the Christmas card.
64
00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:10,270
[camera snaps]
65
00:03:12,690 --> 00:03:15,440
I sent the wrong
picture to Walgreens.
66
00:03:21,780 --> 00:03:23,530
Oh, look, there's
all the Jewish kids
67
00:03:23,570 --> 00:03:24,700
sitting on the rabbi's lap,
68
00:03:24,740 --> 00:03:27,040
where he asks them
for something.
69
00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:30,290
I want a new TV,
and it can't be a Vizio.
70
00:03:30,330 --> 00:03:32,370
Sony or Samsung only.
71
00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:35,340
And I need it all set up
before I turn it on.
72
00:03:35,380 --> 00:03:38,800
I don't want to have to do
any of the things!
73
00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,470
Okay, little guy.
You're up.
74
00:03:50,980 --> 00:03:54,310
So, little boy, what would you
like for Christmas?
75
00:03:55,310 --> 00:03:57,320
[bawling]
76
00:03:58,690 --> 00:04:01,780
[bawling continues]
77
00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:04,870
What's wrong, little boy?
78
00:04:04,910 --> 00:04:06,830
Don't be scared of Santa.
79
00:04:06,870 --> 00:04:08,660
Come on, Stewie.
It's okay.
80
00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:10,370
Just sit on Santa's lap.
81
00:04:10,410 --> 00:04:13,710
Ugh. Some people push
their kids to do stuff
way too soon.
82
00:04:13,750 --> 00:04:15,880
Do you agree,
Doctor Baby-Violin?
83
00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:17,170
[man's voice]
I really do.
84
00:04:17,210 --> 00:04:18,880
[playing violin]
85
00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:22,090
-[Stewie yells]
-Is it okay if I just hold him
for the picture?
86
00:04:22,130 --> 00:04:24,630
Ho, ho, ho.
Of course.
87
00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:26,260
Sit right here, young lady.
88
00:04:27,850 --> 00:04:31,230
Here you go, Stewie. Santa's
no one to be scared of.
89
00:04:31,270 --> 00:04:34,940
He's kind and warm.
He loves unconditionally,
90
00:04:34,980 --> 00:04:37,400
and... and he makes...
91
00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:41,070
everyone feel so... so...
92
00:04:41,110 --> 00:04:42,530
Meg, what are you doing?
93
00:04:42,570 --> 00:04:45,030
You look like Mom when she
sits on the washing machine.
94
00:04:45,070 --> 00:04:47,910
Now, what would you like
for Christmas, little boy?
95
00:04:47,950 --> 00:04:50,080
Shut up, everyone!
Shut up! Shut up!
96
00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:51,120
Just shut up!
97
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:55,790
♪ O come, let us adore him ♪
98
00:04:55,830 --> 00:05:00,420
♪ O come,
let us adore him ♪
99
00:05:00,460 --> 00:05:05,510
♪ O come,
let us adore him... ♪
100
00:05:05,550 --> 00:05:09,140
What, uh...
Wh-What just happened?
101
00:05:09,180 --> 00:05:11,560
I'll have what she's having.
102
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:14,560
Okay. She had six
well-done hamburger patties
103
00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:16,730
jammed into a hard taco shell.
104
00:05:16,770 --> 00:05:19,020
Oh. I just want
to feel like that.
105
00:05:19,060 --> 00:05:22,110
Okay. I mean, I can get it
for you, but it's
a weird order.
106
00:05:22,150 --> 00:05:24,070
The chef was not
happy about it.
107
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:40,460
[bells jingling]
108
00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:48,050
Are you ready for me, Meg?
109
00:06:02,860 --> 00:06:05,110
-Are you ready to get up?
-Huh?
110
00:06:05,150 --> 00:06:07,570
[Lois]
I said it's time to get up.
111
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:09,490
It's 2:00.
112
00:06:09,530 --> 00:06:11,660
I've never seen you
sleep so soundly.
113
00:06:11,700 --> 00:06:12,870
What's going on?
114
00:06:12,910 --> 00:06:14,620
Mom, I think I met someone.
115
00:06:14,660 --> 00:06:16,620
Oh, Meg, that's amazing.
116
00:06:16,660 --> 00:06:18,290
I want to know all about him.
117
00:06:18,330 --> 00:06:19,370
What's his name?
118
00:06:19,420 --> 00:06:21,630
Let's just call him
"Beard Boy."
119
00:06:21,670 --> 00:06:25,800
Oh! It's like I'm in
Sex with the City.
120
00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:28,630
It all happened so quick,
but I really feel something.
121
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:30,050
Am I crazy?
122
00:06:30,090 --> 00:06:32,010
No. Trust your instincts.
123
00:06:32,050 --> 00:06:33,970
You've got to chase
this feeling.
124
00:06:34,010 --> 00:06:35,770
Go find Beard Boy.
125
00:06:35,810 --> 00:06:38,270
I will, Mom. I will!
126
00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:41,360
[exhales]
What was going on in here?
127
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:42,770
The windows are steamed up
128
00:06:42,810 --> 00:06:44,820
like when Subway's
making the bread.
129
00:06:45,900 --> 00:06:47,690
Hey. What's going on in here?
130
00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:49,400
We're making the bread, sir.
131
00:06:49,450 --> 00:06:51,990
Good. Now get back
to making sandwiches
132
00:06:52,030 --> 00:06:54,160
with the shiniest turkey
on earth!
133
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:55,830
[Announcer] Subway.
Have it your way.
134
00:06:55,870 --> 00:06:57,660
If your way is very wet.
135
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:08,050
Can you pass the milk?
136
00:07:08,090 --> 00:07:10,010
Stewie? Can you pass the milk?
137
00:07:10,050 --> 00:07:13,680
-♪ O come,
all ye faithful... ♪
-[Meg] Shut up, everyone!
138
00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:15,560
Shut up! Shut up!
139
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:17,100
Just shut up!
140
00:07:17,140 --> 00:07:18,680
Hey. Pass the milk.
141
00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:20,100
What the hell's going on
with you?
142
00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:22,190
I haven't slept in two days.
143
00:07:22,230 --> 00:07:24,270
Is this still that
Santa thing? Get over it.
144
00:07:24,310 --> 00:07:26,650
You didn't see
the things I saw.
145
00:07:26,690 --> 00:07:28,610
♪ O come ♪
146
00:07:28,650 --> 00:07:31,990
♪ All ye faithful... ♪
147
00:07:32,030 --> 00:07:34,820
I mean, Santa Claus
was bouncing us on his knee.
148
00:07:34,870 --> 00:07:36,290
And it got a little faster,
149
00:07:36,330 --> 00:07:38,490
then faster,
and the more he bounced,
150
00:07:38,540 --> 00:07:40,290
the bigger Meg's eyes got.
151
00:07:40,330 --> 00:07:42,750
It was... it was...
Just look at the picture!
152
00:07:45,170 --> 00:07:46,670
Wow. Okay.
153
00:07:46,710 --> 00:07:48,920
Uh, Stewie,
I think I know what happened.
154
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:51,590
I can't tell you explicitly,
since we're owned by Disney,
155
00:07:51,630 --> 00:07:53,180
but let me just say that
156
00:07:53,220 --> 00:07:56,140
Santa made her
"Little Mermaid" "Moana."
157
00:07:56,180 --> 00:07:58,680
-Oh.
-Exactly.
158
00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:02,270
Brian, would you hand me
the Fat Man's
fancy puking hat?
159
00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:06,480
[retching]
160
00:08:13,740 --> 00:08:15,320
God, this hat is deep.
161
00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:18,700
Now, there's my hat.
Kids, I'm off to the opera.
162
00:08:19,790 --> 00:08:21,870
This opera stinks.
163
00:08:26,340 --> 00:08:27,710
It was awful, Rupert.
164
00:08:27,750 --> 00:08:30,420
And worst of all,
I didn't even get to ask Santa
165
00:08:30,460 --> 00:08:32,050
for the Vitamix.
166
00:08:32,090 --> 00:08:34,550
Blender? [chuckles]
It's more than a blender.
167
00:08:34,590 --> 00:08:37,180
[Meg] Stewie. I'm gonna
take you back to the mall
168
00:08:37,220 --> 00:08:38,510
to sit on Santa's lap.
169
00:08:38,550 --> 00:08:39,970
Oh, my God,
I've got to hide!
170
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,770
How did she find me? That's
my best hiding spot. No!
171
00:08:46,810 --> 00:08:49,320
Oh, and by the way, Rupert,
after what I saw,
172
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:52,820
I know you've been faking it
this whole time.
173
00:08:52,860 --> 00:08:54,860
[sad music playing]
174
00:09:04,290 --> 00:09:05,540
Meg, please don't.
175
00:09:05,580 --> 00:09:07,880
Listen, I've got seven dollars
in my piggy bank.
176
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:09,460
It's yours. No?
177
00:09:09,500 --> 00:09:11,460
All right, uh,
I'll kill Chris.
178
00:09:11,510 --> 00:09:12,760
You want me to kill Chris?
179
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:14,720
Who do you want me to kill?
Chris? No?
180
00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:15,840
Okay. I got it.
181
00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:18,260
Next road show,
Stewie and Meg. Promise.
182
00:09:18,300 --> 00:09:21,310
♪ We're off
on the road to Ohio. ♪
183
00:09:21,350 --> 00:09:23,730
High in the middle
and round at both ends!
184
00:09:23,770 --> 00:09:25,480
Meg, I love our road show.
185
00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:27,150
-Next.
-No!
186
00:09:29,230 --> 00:09:31,570
Huh. Something's different.
187
00:09:31,610 --> 00:09:34,240
Hey, uh, Meg?
Uh, can you cut that out?
188
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:36,700
-Dad?!
-Please don't tell your mother
about this.
189
00:09:36,740 --> 00:09:38,410
I took an extra job.
190
00:09:38,450 --> 00:09:41,540
I don't make much money and
Christmas is very expensive.
191
00:09:41,580 --> 00:09:44,950
[exhales] Dad?
I'm gonna ask you
one question,
192
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:48,290
and how you answer it will
determine the rest of my life.
193
00:09:48,330 --> 00:09:51,500
Were you the Santa
at this mall yesterday?
194
00:09:51,550 --> 00:09:53,210
-No.
-Oh, thank God.
195
00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:55,340
Now, Meg,
I got a question for you:
196
00:09:55,380 --> 00:09:57,550
Is there really a weight limit
for the escalator,
197
00:09:57,590 --> 00:09:59,640
or did I just meet
some mean kids?
198
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:01,260
Hey, Peter,
let's keep it moving.
199
00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:03,430
Some stockbrokers are gonna
throw me into a gong later.
200
00:10:03,470 --> 00:10:06,310
Excuse me. Do you remember
the Santa from yesterday?
201
00:10:06,350 --> 00:10:08,600
Lady, I've been thrown
head first into so many gongs,
202
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:10,310
I don't remember my own name.
203
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:13,110
I think he was just a temp.
I'd try the Warwick Mall.
204
00:10:13,150 --> 00:10:15,030
Thanks.
Stewie, come on.
205
00:10:15,070 --> 00:10:16,740
We're going
to the Warwick Mall.
206
00:10:16,780 --> 00:10:18,240
Stewie?
207
00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:21,200
[jazzy Christmas music
playing]
208
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:22,530
Chocolate sample.
209
00:10:24,660 --> 00:10:26,660
Again.
210
00:10:28,420 --> 00:10:31,040
Just leave the carton.
211
00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:33,460
-Santa's the best.
-I'm gonna ask for a bike.
212
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:35,590
I'm also enthusiastic
about Santa.
213
00:10:35,630 --> 00:10:38,630
All hail the great
Santa Claus.
214
00:10:38,670 --> 00:10:41,760
-Yeah. This guy gets it.
-[blows raspberry]
215
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:44,470
Wait a minute.
That noise seems negative.
216
00:10:44,510 --> 00:10:46,930
Santa's a good guy
'cause he keeps a list?
217
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:49,060
You know who else kept a list?
Hitler.
218
00:10:49,100 --> 00:10:51,100
My uncle who moved
to the Idaho wilderness
219
00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:52,860
says Hitler was a great man.
220
00:10:52,900 --> 00:10:54,690
There you are.
Come on.
221
00:10:54,730 --> 00:10:56,820
We've got to visit Santa
at another mall.
222
00:10:56,860 --> 00:10:59,860
I can't go back to Santa, man!
I can't!
223
00:10:59,900 --> 00:11:01,780
-Hello again.
-Hi.
224
00:11:01,820 --> 00:11:05,120
That's the guy that was peeing
in the women's bathroom.
225
00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:15,000
Stewie, when this is over,
I'm buying you a new toy.
226
00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:17,460
Meg, when this is over, I'm
putting rocks in my pockets
227
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,920
and walking
into the mall fountain.
228
00:11:19,970 --> 00:11:21,800
How much longer
is this gonna take?
229
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:23,850
I don't know. 400 minutes?
230
00:11:23,890 --> 00:11:25,760
One reason I work
as a seasonal elf
231
00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:28,100
is I'm not great
at time estimates.
232
00:11:28,140 --> 00:11:30,100
-[Mall Santa] Next.
-See? 400 minutes.
233
00:11:30,140 --> 00:11:33,770
Even a broken clock
is right six times a day.
234
00:11:33,810 --> 00:11:36,110
He's very scared,
so I have to sit
here with him.
235
00:11:36,150 --> 00:11:37,530
Would you mind
bouncing me a little?
236
00:11:37,570 --> 00:11:40,900
Um, okay.
I guess I can do that.
237
00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:42,700
Hey, come on,
a little harder than that.
238
00:11:42,740 --> 00:11:45,450
-Look, I don't feel comf...
-Please! It's Christmas.
Please!
239
00:11:45,490 --> 00:11:49,370
-What does... what does that
have to do with...
-Just do it!
240
00:11:49,410 --> 00:11:52,080
[crying]
♪ The itsy-bitsy spider ♪
241
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:54,290
♪ Went up the water spout... ♪
242
00:11:54,330 --> 00:11:56,000
Wait, wait,
this isn't working.
243
00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:58,250
Were you at the Quahog Mall
last night?
244
00:11:58,300 --> 00:12:01,840
No. Last night, I was
weeping outside
my ex-wife's apartment.
245
00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:03,890
I drank too much
and went over to yell at her.
246
00:12:03,930 --> 00:12:05,350
Yeah, he's not your guy, Meg.
247
00:12:05,390 --> 00:12:08,180
They said my Santa would
be here, and you're not him.
248
00:12:08,220 --> 00:12:10,350
I'm sorry. Story of my life.
249
00:12:10,390 --> 00:12:12,140
I live to disappoint women,
apparently.
250
00:12:12,190 --> 00:12:15,190
Well, where is he?
Where's my Santa?
251
00:12:15,230 --> 00:12:17,440
-I don't know!
-I need to find him.
252
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:19,280
He made me a woman!
253
00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:20,900
Where is he?
254
00:12:21,780 --> 00:12:22,780
[gasping]
255
00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:24,860
He's a phony!
256
00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:27,030
A great, big phony!
257
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,620
Excuse me, ma'am, I'm gonna
give you just 600 minutes
258
00:12:29,660 --> 00:12:31,500
-to get out of here.
-But you don't understand.
259
00:12:31,540 --> 00:12:34,000
One, two, 600 minutes.
260
00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:36,170
That's it. Security!
261
00:12:36,210 --> 00:12:37,840
What took you so long?
262
00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:39,170
Let me go.
263
00:12:39,210 --> 00:12:41,840
Lady, by the power vested
in me by Paul Blart,
264
00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:43,930
you are now banned
from this mall
265
00:12:43,970 --> 00:12:46,050
and every mall in this county.
266
00:12:46,090 --> 00:12:49,930
[grunting] W-Wait.
I need my little brother.
267
00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:51,970
Stewie!
268
00:12:54,690 --> 00:12:57,610
Time to sleep
in heavenly peace.
269
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:00,860
[groans]
270
00:13:00,900 --> 00:13:03,610
Wow, looks like
that baby is all wet.
271
00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:05,950
[laughing]
272
00:13:05,990 --> 00:13:07,030
Classic Woody.
273
00:13:07,070 --> 00:13:08,910
[laughs]
This is Woody.
274
00:13:15,210 --> 00:13:17,880
So, you want to tell me
why you were assaulting Santa
275
00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:19,540
in front of the whole mall?
276
00:13:19,590 --> 00:13:21,090
What about Beard Boy?
277
00:13:21,130 --> 00:13:23,630
Santa is Beard Boy.
278
00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:25,680
You're in love with Santa?
279
00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:26,970
Maybe.
280
00:13:27,010 --> 00:13:29,850
He gave me my first...
you know.
281
00:13:29,890 --> 00:13:32,520
He just bounced me on his lap,
and the next thing you know,
282
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:34,430
-I saw Jimmy Connors.
-You saw Jimmy Connors.
283
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,730
It happens to every girl
their first time.
284
00:13:36,770 --> 00:13:38,520
You'll never see him again,
by the way.
285
00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:40,270
I won't? Why not?
286
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:43,190
I don't know.
That's God's trick on women.
287
00:13:43,230 --> 00:13:45,280
It's your first time,
followed by a lifetime
288
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:46,860
of diminishing returns.
289
00:13:48,530 --> 00:13:50,530
[squeaking]
290
00:13:52,790 --> 00:13:55,790
I wonder what I'll see
on my first time.
291
00:14:13,890 --> 00:14:16,560
I can't let Stewie grow up
scared of Santa Claus.
292
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:18,560
[clears throat]
293
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:20,230
[deep voice]
Ho, ho, ho.
294
00:14:20,270 --> 00:14:22,020
Santa? Is that really you?
295
00:14:22,060 --> 00:14:24,190
-Sure is.
-Well, how'd you get in?
296
00:14:24,230 --> 00:14:26,570
-Through the window.
-It was just unlocked?
297
00:14:26,610 --> 00:14:29,030
Like, anybody can just come
through my window at any time?
298
00:14:29,070 --> 00:14:30,910
-I really don't like...
-Forget about that.
299
00:14:32,450 --> 00:14:34,450
I know you're having
a tough time.
300
00:14:34,490 --> 00:14:37,500
I just wanted to tell you
that everything is fine.
301
00:14:37,540 --> 00:14:41,000
Meg is entering probably
the most horny
part of her life.
302
00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:43,090
This could just as easily
have happened
303
00:14:43,130 --> 00:14:45,000
while she was riding a horse
or something.
304
00:14:45,050 --> 00:14:46,760
I'm just sorry
you had to see it.
305
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:50,010
Okay. Don't want people
just coming in whenever.
306
00:14:50,050 --> 00:14:53,430
Stewie, that Christmas magic
you think you lost,
307
00:14:53,470 --> 00:14:55,140
it can't just disappear.
308
00:14:55,180 --> 00:14:58,350
I'm still the same guy
you've always loved.
309
00:14:58,390 --> 00:15:00,940
Thanks, Santa. I feel better.
310
00:15:00,980 --> 00:15:03,060
Just try to have
a good Christmas.
311
00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:05,150
Uh, speaking of that,
I want a new dog.
312
00:15:05,190 --> 00:15:07,190
What's wrong with
the dog you have?
313
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:10,150
Eh, he's okay. I just...
I just want a new one.
314
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,700
Maybe you can spend more time
with the old one
315
00:15:12,740 --> 00:15:15,280
-before you make
any decisions.
-Nah. Want a new one.
316
00:15:15,330 --> 00:15:17,330
Thanks, Santa.
Can you leave from the door?
317
00:15:17,370 --> 00:15:19,120
I'm kind of freaking
over the window thing.
318
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:20,620
Sure.
319
00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:24,630
[Chris]
Oh, my God. Santa?
320
00:15:24,670 --> 00:15:26,960
-I want a new dog.
-[Brian] Oh, come on!
321
00:15:31,550 --> 00:15:32,970
There you are.
322
00:15:33,010 --> 00:15:34,890
I had a hell of a time
finding your room.
323
00:15:34,930 --> 00:15:36,720
Can I come in?
324
00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:39,140
-Cigarette?
-No.
325
00:15:39,180 --> 00:15:41,230
Mind if I have one?
326
00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:46,860
So, you want to talk about
this whole Santa's lap thing?
327
00:15:46,900 --> 00:15:50,490
Dad, this stuff,
I think it's gonna be hard
for you to hear.
328
00:15:50,530 --> 00:15:52,280
Oh, don't worry, Meg.
I brought this handkerchief
329
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:55,240
to dab my forehead whenever
you say something sexual.
330
00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:57,330
-So, I'm sitting
on Santa's lap...
-Oh, dear.
331
00:15:57,370 --> 00:15:59,450
...and it's like my whole body
starts to tingle.
332
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:01,660
-Oh, my stars.
-And-and then there's,
like, a deep...
333
00:16:01,710 --> 00:16:03,290
I better loudly drop
an Alka-Seltzer
334
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:05,040
in this glass of water.
335
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:07,840
-[fizzing]
-Very loud fizzing.
336
00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:09,760
I may need to widen my eyes
337
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:11,720
until they look like a young
girl's Snapchat filter.
338
00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:13,430
Like, sort of
a warm steam iron?
339
00:16:13,470 --> 00:16:15,470
Okay. It's okay, Meg.
340
00:16:15,510 --> 00:16:19,390
Look, this Santa person
clearly made you very happy.
341
00:16:19,430 --> 00:16:21,680
And I want my daughter
to be happy.
342
00:16:21,730 --> 00:16:24,850
Go find your mall Santa,
wherever he is.
343
00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:26,860
I love you, Dad.
344
00:16:26,900 --> 00:16:28,610
And thanks for the pep talk.
345
00:16:28,650 --> 00:16:30,360
Hey, I learned from the best.
346
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:33,700
You know, I played football
for Coach Joe Paterno
at Penn State.
347
00:16:33,740 --> 00:16:36,120
All right, team,
remember everything
you learned
348
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:37,780
in practice this week
349
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:40,790
and forget everything
after practice this week.
350
00:16:40,830 --> 00:16:42,830
-Break.
-[cheering]
351
00:16:44,540 --> 00:16:48,420
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way ♪
352
00:16:48,460 --> 00:16:50,380
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪
353
00:16:50,420 --> 00:16:52,300
♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪
354
00:16:52,340 --> 00:16:54,260
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
355
00:16:54,300 --> 00:16:56,430
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
356
00:16:56,470 --> 00:16:58,100
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪
357
00:16:58,140 --> 00:17:00,390
♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪
358
00:17:15,780 --> 00:17:19,240
♪ Oh, jingle bells,
jingle bells ♪
359
00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:23,500
♪ Oh, what fun
in a one-horse open sleigh ♪
360
00:17:23,540 --> 00:17:27,330
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
361
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,420
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪
362
00:17:29,460 --> 00:17:33,170
♪ In a one-horse open ♪
363
00:17:33,210 --> 00:17:35,170
-♪ Sleigh ♪
-♪ Jingle bells,
jingle bells ♪
364
00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:37,760
♪ Jingle all the way. ♪
365
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:40,350
[tires screeching]
366
00:17:40,390 --> 00:17:42,100
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I've got to get in there.
367
00:17:42,140 --> 00:17:44,270
Sorry, sweetie.
It's Christmas Eve.
368
00:17:44,310 --> 00:17:47,980
Mall Quiet on the
Western Front
closed 900 minutes ago.
369
00:17:48,020 --> 00:17:49,900
Oh, no.
370
00:17:49,940 --> 00:17:52,480
Do you have a big cup
I can pee in for my ride home?
371
00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:54,490
Take my mostly done
Jamba Juice.
372
00:17:54,530 --> 00:17:56,530
And merry Christmas.
373
00:17:59,990 --> 00:18:02,280
[slurping, belches]
374
00:18:02,330 --> 00:18:04,870
Wow. There was more in there
than I thought.
375
00:18:04,910 --> 00:18:06,210
[Santa] Meg?
376
00:18:06,250 --> 00:18:07,580
Santa?
377
00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:10,960
Yes, Meg. It's me, Santa.
378
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,880
Oh, my God, there's a bench
right over there.
379
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,420
Quick, let me sit on your leg.
380
00:18:14,460 --> 00:18:16,260
No, that's not
what I'm here for.
381
00:18:16,300 --> 00:18:17,680
Yes, it is. Now, sit down.
382
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:20,220
Meg, no. Meg, no. Get off.
383
00:18:20,260 --> 00:18:22,680
Geez, I'm trying to give you
a heartwarming message
384
00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:24,100
of Christmas joy.
385
00:18:24,140 --> 00:18:26,600
You know, the same feeling
you got when you were five
386
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:28,520
and I gave you
that Malibu Barbie?
387
00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:29,980
How did you know that?
388
00:18:30,020 --> 00:18:32,070
I told you.
I'm the real Santa.
389
00:18:32,110 --> 00:18:35,570
I try to visit every mall at
least once during Christmas.
390
00:18:35,610 --> 00:18:37,400
Except Long Island malls.
391
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:38,780
Those people
are a little much.
392
00:18:38,820 --> 00:18:40,450
Oh, no.
393
00:18:40,490 --> 00:18:43,990
I can't believe I, you know,
grew up all over you.
394
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,160
It's okay, Meg.
You see, I know
395
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:49,250
what each and every person
needs for Christmas.
396
00:18:49,290 --> 00:18:52,920
For you, it was your first
time seeing Jimmy Connors.
397
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:56,130
But the truth is,
it had nothing to do with me.
398
00:18:56,170 --> 00:18:58,670
The Christmas magic
lives in there.
399
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:02,180
And as long as you believe,
it'll always be with you.
400
00:19:02,220 --> 00:19:03,470
Deep inside.
401
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:05,560
-Inside my...
-Wherever you find it, yes.
402
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:07,310
Thanks, Santa.
403
00:19:07,350 --> 00:19:09,270
You're welcome, Meg.
404
00:19:09,310 --> 00:19:11,140
Well, I'm off
to distribute presents
405
00:19:11,190 --> 00:19:13,400
to boys and girls
all over the world.
406
00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:16,480
All right, I'm gonna
put my leg up
on this back tire
407
00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:17,990
and take a she-wee.
408
00:19:18,030 --> 00:19:21,360
You know, you don't have
to say everything
out loud, Meg.
409
00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:24,780
Wait, are you sure
you're the real Santa Claus?
410
00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:26,450
Yes, I'm the real Santa Claus.
411
00:19:26,490 --> 00:19:28,330
I'm totally real, so don't
tell anyone about this
412
00:19:28,370 --> 00:19:29,830
and don't say anything
to anyone.
413
00:19:29,870 --> 00:19:31,420
Merry Chris...
414
00:19:31,460 --> 00:19:33,840
-Damn it.
-[engine sputtering]
415
00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:35,000
Come on.
416
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:38,630
I... I really got to go
behind the car.
417
00:20:05,950 --> 00:20:07,200
Meg?
418
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:08,910
Hi. Merry Christmas.
419
00:20:08,950 --> 00:20:10,870
I'm tennis bad boy
Jimmy Connors.
420
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:12,080
How did you get in here?
421
00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:13,830
I came in through
your baby's window.
422
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,080
You can just open it.
423
00:20:15,130 --> 00:20:17,210
STEWIE:
Men are now just
coming in at will!
424
00:20:17,250 --> 00:20:20,130
I heard you had
a pretty confusing Christmas.
425
00:20:20,170 --> 00:20:22,220
Yeah, it's tough
being a teenager,
426
00:20:22,260 --> 00:20:24,930
dealing with all these
new emotions and feelings
427
00:20:24,970 --> 00:20:26,350
and streaming platforms.
428
00:20:26,390 --> 00:20:29,520
I remember when I was
your age, I was confused, too.
429
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:32,980
Then I got a haircut
that I'd keep for 50 years.
430
00:20:33,020 --> 00:20:35,650
You've just got to find
your one thing that works.
431
00:20:35,690 --> 00:20:38,400
You mean a haircut like this?
432
00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:41,610
Meg, I think
you're gonna be just fine.
433
00:20:41,650 --> 00:20:45,320
But just in case, here.
I want you to have these.
434
00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:47,450
-Your balls?
-That's right.
435
00:20:47,490 --> 00:20:48,620
Whenever you need me,
436
00:20:48,660 --> 00:20:51,160
just rub my balls,
and I'll come.
437
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:53,580
♪ O come, ye♪
438
00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:59,000
♪ O come, ye, to Bethlehem.♪
439
00:20:59,460 --> 00:21:01,130
Good night.
440
00:21:01,170 --> 00:21:02,510
[music playing]
30567
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof