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♪ It seems today
That all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:08,210
♪ Is violence in movies
And sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,250 --> 00:00:11,920
♪ But where are those
Good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,970 --> 00:00:14,840
[all]
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:18,310
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,350 --> 00:00:21,640
♪ Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:23,230
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,270 --> 00:00:24,770
♪ Laugh and cry! ♪
9
00:00:24,810 --> 00:00:30,150
[all]
♪ He's a family guy! ♪
10
00:00:38,330 --> 00:00:39,950
Oh, fun! Look, Peter.
11
00:00:39,990 --> 00:00:42,250
Smash Mouth is playing here
next weekend.
12
00:00:42,290 --> 00:00:44,960
-In Quahog?
-No, in this porn store.
13
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:46,170
-[scanner beeps]
-Well, you caught us.
14
00:00:46,210 --> 00:00:47,750
Lois and I are stocking up
15
00:00:47,790 --> 00:00:50,210
for a very special
anniversary evening,
16
00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:52,260
and I'm not sure
that 5% discount
17
00:00:52,300 --> 00:00:54,220
was worth checking in here
on Facebook.
18
00:00:54,260 --> 00:00:55,590
[phone chimes]
19
00:00:55,630 --> 00:00:57,510
Ew, Meg, don't "like" that.
20
00:00:57,550 --> 00:01:00,180
Anyway, to celebrate,
we thought it would be fun
21
00:01:00,220 --> 00:01:04,060
to recount the three greatest
love stories ever told.
22
00:01:04,100 --> 00:01:06,480
We'll begin
with the tale of Helen of Troy,
23
00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:09,230
"The face that launched
a thousand ships."
24
00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:11,190
Which is the poetic way
of saying,
25
00:01:11,230 --> 00:01:13,150
"Helen of Troy
was thicc, tho."
26
00:01:13,190 --> 00:01:15,240
Which is the Black Twitter way
of saying,
27
00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:16,950
"She was very attractive."
28
00:01:16,990 --> 00:01:19,240
[exotic vocalizing]
29
00:01:24,870 --> 00:01:26,580
The people of Troy's chocolate
30
00:01:26,620 --> 00:01:28,290
has gotten
into our peanut butter.
31
00:01:28,330 --> 00:01:29,710
The people of Greece's
peanut butter
32
00:01:29,750 --> 00:01:31,380
has gotten
all over our chocolate!
33
00:01:31,420 --> 00:01:33,800
We could perhaps
try the combined taste,
34
00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:35,670
-or we could
fight to the death.
-[crowd gasp]
35
00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:38,640
Guys, stop! The Battle of
the Greece's Peanut Butter Cup
36
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,140
has gone on too long.
37
00:01:40,180 --> 00:01:42,890
Let us agree to disagree.
38
00:01:42,930 --> 00:01:46,230
Huh, what a pleasantly
de-escalating phrase
39
00:01:46,270 --> 00:01:48,350
that I'm just now hearing
for the first time.
40
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,860
Yes, we will
agree to disagree.
41
00:01:50,900 --> 00:01:53,690
The war between the Greeks
and the Trojans is over!
42
00:01:53,730 --> 00:01:55,240
[all cheering]
43
00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:56,570
To Greece!
44
00:01:56,610 --> 00:01:59,240
Now let's go call a bunch
of jagged rocks a beach.
45
00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:00,870
[pained grunting]
46
00:02:00,910 --> 00:02:02,330
-Ooh! Ow!
-Sharp! Sharp! Sharp!
47
00:02:02,370 --> 00:02:03,620
-Hot!
-Hot!
48
00:02:03,660 --> 00:02:05,200
[exotic vocalizing]
49
00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:08,870
Man, I'm happy
the war is over.
50
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:10,630
I can't wait
to get back to Troy.
51
00:02:10,670 --> 00:02:12,880
Yeah, I'm just gonna
plop down with my kids
52
00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:14,590
and watch Troy Story.
53
00:02:14,630 --> 00:02:18,260
To the other side
of that hill and beyond!
54
00:02:19,470 --> 00:02:22,350
That's as far as we know
about right now.
55
00:02:22,390 --> 00:02:23,890
You know what I just realized?
56
00:02:23,930 --> 00:02:27,270
This. This could be
a really long poem.
57
00:02:27,310 --> 00:02:29,480
Now, if you'll excuse me,
Helen's in my cabin,
58
00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:32,110
and I thought I'd give
heterosexual sex a try.
59
00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:34,230
[door creaks]
60
00:02:34,270 --> 00:02:36,490
Helen? What the Hades?
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00:02:36,530 --> 00:02:37,990
What? She's hot.
62
00:02:38,030 --> 00:02:39,660
But not as hot as Medusa.
63
00:02:39,700 --> 00:02:42,700
Ah, one look at Medusa,
and I'm rock hard.
64
00:02:42,740 --> 00:02:44,490
Mythologically correct.
65
00:02:48,410 --> 00:02:51,750
Coming up, Greek food voted
burpiest in the world.
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00:02:51,790 --> 00:02:53,750
But first, in tragedy news,
67
00:02:53,790 --> 00:02:57,340
your queen, Helen, has run off
with Paris back to Troy.
68
00:02:57,380 --> 00:02:58,920
This is an outrage!
69
00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:02,180
I'll send my entire army after
them, led by my best warriors!
70
00:03:02,220 --> 00:03:04,680
Achilles, ACL, get in here!
71
00:03:05,890 --> 00:03:10,020
[pained grunting]
72
00:03:10,060 --> 00:03:12,230
-What?
-Helen has run off with Paris!
73
00:03:12,270 --> 00:03:15,320
We're going to get her back
and burn Troy to the ground.
74
00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:16,730
Well, that sounds good.
75
00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:18,780
I just need to cancel my lesson
with Socrates first.
76
00:03:18,820 --> 00:03:21,280
Isn't he that thinker
they keep shuffling around
77
00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:23,570
from one philosophy school
district to the next?
78
00:03:23,620 --> 00:03:24,740
No, no, he's the one
79
00:03:24,780 --> 00:03:26,620
whose method is all about
asking questions.
80
00:03:26,660 --> 00:03:29,000
-Like what?
-"Have you ever tried wine?"
81
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:30,460
"Can you keep a secret?"
82
00:03:30,500 --> 00:03:32,420
"You know this is
your fault, right?"
83
00:03:32,460 --> 00:03:36,000
Yeah, he'll... He'll make you
question a lot about yourself.
84
00:03:41,220 --> 00:03:42,890
So, we'll sail directly east,
85
00:03:42,930 --> 00:03:45,350
and then head north
at a 90 degree angle.
86
00:03:45,390 --> 00:03:48,390
It's the fastest possible way
I can imagine getting there.
87
00:03:48,430 --> 00:03:49,930
Hang on. Let me see that.
88
00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:52,770
Pythagoras just invented this
thing called a "hypotenuse."
89
00:03:52,810 --> 00:03:55,650
If we know this distance
and this distance,
90
00:03:55,690 --> 00:03:58,230
we can calculate
this more direct route.
91
00:03:58,270 --> 00:04:01,700
Wow. Our people are, like,
really smart.
92
00:04:01,740 --> 00:04:03,660
I bet Greeks will
always be known
93
00:04:03,700 --> 00:04:06,530
for their advancements in math
and not as cartoon characters
94
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:07,620
with very hairy arms
95
00:04:07,660 --> 00:04:10,040
and a tragically
mismanaged economy.
96
00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:21,460
Okay, I had a feeling
97
00:04:21,510 --> 00:04:23,180
this fortress
would be impenetrable,
98
00:04:23,220 --> 00:04:25,510
so I've hired the finest
builder in Greece
99
00:04:25,550 --> 00:04:27,510
to make us
a giant wooden horse.
100
00:04:27,550 --> 00:04:30,390
We'll hide inside it,
they'll take it in as a gift,
101
00:04:30,430 --> 00:04:32,770
and then we spring out
and destroy the city.
102
00:04:32,810 --> 00:04:35,060
I call it "the Trojan horse."
103
00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:36,520
Well, that sounds great,
104
00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:38,440
but there's another door
right here that's just beads.
105
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,480
-What?
-Yeah. Just beads. See?
106
00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:42,900
Oh, boy, this...
107
00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:45,070
This is gonna be
a difficult phone call.
108
00:04:45,110 --> 00:04:46,660
Let's go! Let's go!
109
00:04:46,700 --> 00:04:48,160
This needs to
be done yesterday!
110
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,120
-[phone ringing]
-Hello?
111
00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:51,910
Giant Horse Company,
pay on delivery,
112
00:04:51,950 --> 00:04:54,250
no deposit required.
Can I help you?
113
00:04:54,290 --> 00:04:55,420
What?
114
00:04:55,460 --> 00:04:58,840
[all yelling]
115
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,420
[wind whistling]
116
00:05:06,050 --> 00:05:07,430
Where the hell is everyone?
117
00:05:07,470 --> 00:05:08,680
Well, they left a note.
118
00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:10,850
It says
Helen and Paris went back
119
00:05:10,890 --> 00:05:13,270
to the Greek Isles
to get married... [gasps]
120
00:05:13,350 --> 00:05:16,690
And all three of Helen's
fathers are going to be there?
121
00:05:16,730 --> 00:05:20,480
♪ Dancing queen... ♪
122
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:21,900
They came!
123
00:05:21,940 --> 00:05:24,400
Awesome! And now that
we're owned by Disney,
124
00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:25,950
we can have Hercules here.
125
00:05:26,820 --> 00:05:27,820
No?
126
00:05:27,860 --> 00:05:29,530
They... They won't
let us use him?
127
00:05:29,570 --> 00:05:31,740
What was the point
of this whole merger?
128
00:05:31,790 --> 00:05:33,700
Well, who can we use?
129
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:35,120
"Launchpad McQuack"?
130
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:37,120
No. No. No, you know what?
I'm exhausted.
131
00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:39,420
I'm exhausted
with being told "no."
132
00:05:39,460 --> 00:05:41,460
And now I'm married. Ugh.
133
00:05:41,500 --> 00:05:43,800
I'm gonna go break wieners
off statues.
134
00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:46,220
["Dancing Queen" plays]
135
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:58,100
Welcome back. My credit card
got declined at the sex store.
136
00:05:58,150 --> 00:06:00,310
We ran off with only the stuff
we could keister.
137
00:06:00,350 --> 00:06:03,610
Our next love story is
Romeo and Juliet,
138
00:06:03,650 --> 00:06:06,610
a 500-year-old tale
about horny preteens
139
00:06:06,650 --> 00:06:10,120
that society somehow decided
is classy and not perverted,
140
00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:12,450
even though two
middle schoolers bang in it.
141
00:06:12,490 --> 00:06:13,870
Enjoy.
142
00:06:13,910 --> 00:06:16,830
Two households,
both alike in dignity,
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00:06:16,870 --> 00:06:19,420
in fair Verona
where we lay our scene.
144
00:06:19,460 --> 00:06:21,920
Well, I'd say
Verona's better than fair.
145
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:24,000
They's gettin' a Shake Shack
this summer.
146
00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:26,670
Ooh, milkshakes
and crinkly fries.
147
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,630
Gonna have myself
a pooch-belly
if I's not careful.
148
00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:31,180
I'm sorry, y'all.
149
00:06:31,220 --> 00:06:33,560
I done chatterboxed my way
through the whole prologue.
150
00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:35,470
Boy, this is nice.
151
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:37,980
Will there ever be
a more popular Italian city
152
00:06:38,020 --> 00:06:39,480
-than Verona?
-I don't know.
153
00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:41,690
Are we even supposed
to be at this party?
154
00:06:41,730 --> 00:06:43,270
If they find out
we're Montagues,
155
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:44,690
they might razz us!
156
00:06:44,730 --> 00:06:46,610
Relax.
No one's gonna recognize us.
157
00:06:46,650 --> 00:06:49,200
We got inch-wide masks
over just our eyes,
158
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:51,070
with the rest of our faces
plainly visible.
159
00:06:51,110 --> 00:06:52,200
We're fine.
160
00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:54,200
You wanted to see me, Daddy?
161
00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:56,160
Juliet, honey, we need to talk.
162
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:57,620
You're a grown woman now,
163
00:06:57,660 --> 00:06:59,330
and it's time
for you to get married.
164
00:06:59,370 --> 00:07:01,540
Grown woman? Daddy, I'm 13.
165
00:07:01,580 --> 00:07:03,090
Shh. Uh, don't say that.
166
00:07:03,130 --> 00:07:04,380
Tell people you're 11!
167
00:07:04,420 --> 00:07:05,880
Do you want
to get married or not?
168
00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:07,300
[sighs] Fine.
169
00:07:07,340 --> 00:07:09,970
Now, I found you
the most eligible bachelor
170
00:07:10,010 --> 00:07:11,340
in all of Italy.
171
00:07:11,390 --> 00:07:13,720
He's from the Boyardee family.
Kind of a big deal.
172
00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:17,930
My family makes the best canned
sugar pastas in all the land.
173
00:07:17,970 --> 00:07:20,600
Are you out of breath
from saying one sentence?
174
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:22,060
Just give me a second.
175
00:07:22,100 --> 00:07:24,560
I'm in the midst of a full-on,
lockdown sodium headache.
176
00:07:24,610 --> 00:07:26,980
I haven't peed for 36 hours.
177
00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:28,280
Whew. Okay.
178
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:31,700
Now, fair Juliet,
let our houses join together,
179
00:07:31,740 --> 00:07:34,620
like beef... and roni.
180
00:07:36,370 --> 00:07:37,540
Ah, cool!
181
00:07:42,580 --> 00:07:43,880
[chuckles]
182
00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:45,000
Shakespeare.
183
00:07:51,510 --> 00:07:52,970
[exhales]
184
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:56,310
[squeaking]
185
00:07:56,350 --> 00:07:58,220
What... What is that?
186
00:07:58,270 --> 00:07:59,560
It says "hole."
187
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:00,850
I don't get it.
188
00:08:00,890 --> 00:08:02,190
You wrote "butt."
189
00:08:02,230 --> 00:08:03,400
Okay.
190
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:05,110
I'll... I'll come over there.
191
00:08:05,150 --> 00:08:06,520
[grunts]
192
00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:08,190
Hey, there's something
I want you to see.
193
00:08:08,230 --> 00:08:11,150
Some greaseball at the bar
just drew a guy in a circle.
194
00:08:11,190 --> 00:08:14,110
It's amazing. He's this,
and then he's this.
195
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,330
You just...
You got to come see it!
196
00:08:18,490 --> 00:08:20,410
Romeo, we got
to get out of here!
197
00:08:20,450 --> 00:08:22,250
Tybalt found out
we're Montagues,
198
00:08:22,290 --> 00:08:23,460
and he's pissed.
199
00:08:23,500 --> 00:08:26,080
Oh, man, I must have amnesia
or something,
200
00:08:26,130 --> 00:08:28,250
'cause I don't [bleep] remember
inviting you guys.
201
00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:31,170
-Who are you here with?
-Uh... Tony?
202
00:08:31,210 --> 00:08:32,800
Gonna have to do better
than that, man.
203
00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:33,970
Lot of Tonys here.
204
00:08:34,010 --> 00:08:35,470
Oh, did I say "Tony"?
205
00:08:35,510 --> 00:08:39,850
I meant... I'm Abe Froman,
the sausage king of Chicago.
206
00:08:39,890 --> 00:08:42,890
You're Abe Froman,
the sausage king of Chicago?
207
00:08:42,930 --> 00:08:43,770
That's right.
208
00:08:43,810 --> 00:08:46,060
-[phone ringing]
-Hello?
209
00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:47,940
JOE: Yes, I'm looking
for Abe Froman,
210
00:08:47,980 --> 00:08:49,820
the sausage king of Chicago.
211
00:08:49,860 --> 00:08:51,320
Heavyset fellow, glasses.
212
00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:53,030
Oh, well, he's right here.
213
00:08:53,070 --> 00:08:54,490
Let me just...
Wait a minute!
214
00:08:54,530 --> 00:08:56,530
We don't have phones
or Chicago!
215
00:08:56,570 --> 00:08:57,950
All right, you got to die.
216
00:08:57,990 --> 00:09:00,160
Enough!
You three, out of my house!
217
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:02,830
I will not play host
to some family feud!
218
00:09:02,870 --> 00:09:06,000
[Family Feud theme playing]
219
00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:07,580
100 people surveyed.
220
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:09,250
Top five answers
are on the board.
221
00:09:09,290 --> 00:09:12,300
Name something you might
say to a damned spot.
222
00:09:12,340 --> 00:09:14,670
-[buzzer sounding]
-Out.
223
00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,090
-Good answer! Good answer!
-Ah, good answer, good answer.
224
00:09:16,130 --> 00:09:17,010
Yeah, yeah, good answer.
225
00:09:17,050 --> 00:09:18,300
Show me "out"!
226
00:09:18,350 --> 00:09:19,470
[bell clangs]
227
00:09:19,510 --> 00:09:21,220
What? That's impossible!
228
00:09:21,260 --> 00:09:24,770
Romeo, name something
you might say to a damned spot.
229
00:09:24,810 --> 00:09:25,770
Hello.
230
00:09:25,810 --> 00:09:27,060
[bell clangs]
231
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:29,190
-What?
-I know this audience.
232
00:09:29,230 --> 00:09:30,480
Of course it was "hello."
233
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,030
Of course it was.
234
00:09:36,150 --> 00:09:38,320
[harpsichord playing
"In Your Eyes"]
235
00:09:44,620 --> 00:09:45,580
Romeo?
236
00:09:45,620 --> 00:09:48,000
-Juliet.
-[discordant notes play]
237
00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:49,830
I know I ain't
supposed to be here,
238
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,420
but I just had to
see you again.
239
00:09:51,460 --> 00:09:55,800
Oh, Romeo, Romeo,
wherefore art thou, Romeo?
240
00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:57,800
I... What...
What are you talking about?
241
00:09:57,840 --> 00:09:59,510
I'm right here.
You're looking right at me.
242
00:09:59,550 --> 00:10:01,560
You know what?
I'll come up there.
243
00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:03,140
-Romeo, we can't.
-[grunting]
244
00:10:03,180 --> 00:10:04,930
What if my father sees us?
245
00:10:04,970 --> 00:10:07,640
And "wherefore" means "why,"
by the way, not "where."
246
00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:08,850
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
247
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:10,520
That's stupid. You're stupid.
248
00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:12,860
Juliet, I know we just met,
249
00:10:12,900 --> 00:10:16,030
but when I look at you,
I feel something special.
250
00:10:16,070 --> 00:10:19,610
This is gonna sound crazy,
but... will you marry me?
251
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,530
Okay, let's do it.
252
00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:24,120
I love you, Romeo.
253
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:26,000
I love you, too, Juliet.
254
00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:29,120
[both moaning]
255
00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:30,830
I should probably let you know
256
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,130
I have a lot
of Jack Skellington tattoos.
257
00:10:33,170 --> 00:10:35,340
Well, I wish you would have
told me that before,
258
00:10:35,380 --> 00:10:39,130
but that's okay, because I do
karate outside against no one.
259
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:42,430
Yeah, this is gonna be
a good marriage.
260
00:10:48,850 --> 00:10:50,060
There he is!
261
00:10:50,100 --> 00:10:52,650
There's the dumbass
I've been looking for.
262
00:10:52,690 --> 00:10:54,270
-[grunts]
-[shouts]
263
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,320
Mercutio!
264
00:10:56,690 --> 00:10:59,150
I could never say this
when I was alive, but...
265
00:11:00,610 --> 00:11:03,160
"Ralph... Fiennes."
266
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:05,330
[groans]
267
00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:07,700
[growling]
268
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:09,120
[grunting]
269
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:10,620
[coughing]
270
00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:12,630
[grunting] Oh, God.
271
00:11:12,670 --> 00:11:16,170
I'm voiding my bowels right now
because I died,
272
00:11:16,210 --> 00:11:18,920
not 30 minutes ago in
the carriage on the way here.
273
00:11:18,970 --> 00:11:20,880
[grunting]
274
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:21,970
[gasps]
275
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:26,220
Welp, we all know
how this goes.
276
00:11:26,260 --> 00:11:27,180
[siren whoops]
277
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:28,100
I'm doin' it!
278
00:11:32,980 --> 00:11:34,560
Oh, Friar Laurence,
279
00:11:34,610 --> 00:11:37,030
are you absolutely sure
faking my death
280
00:11:37,070 --> 00:11:39,030
with this poison
is the best plan?
281
00:11:39,070 --> 00:11:41,950
Well, there's also Herbalife,
which is an amazing product.
282
00:11:41,990 --> 00:11:43,200
And I think you, specifically,
283
00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:45,200
would make a great addition
to our team.
284
00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:47,700
I'll take the poison.
Thank you, Friar.
285
00:11:47,740 --> 00:11:49,410
And since I'm picking up
a prescription,
286
00:11:49,450 --> 00:11:52,830
can I, uh, pay
for the rest of my items here?
287
00:11:52,870 --> 00:11:55,130
Uh, I guess.
288
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:57,170
[annoyed sigh]
289
00:11:57,210 --> 00:11:58,630
Oh, [sighs] yourself.
290
00:12:04,340 --> 00:12:05,890
I'm afraid she's dead.
291
00:12:05,930 --> 00:12:07,810
You can tell
by her shallow breathing
292
00:12:07,850 --> 00:12:09,470
and weak but clear heartbeat.
293
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:11,690
I'm sorry.
There's nothing I can do.
294
00:12:11,730 --> 00:12:13,270
Can you make a paper airplane?
295
00:12:13,310 --> 00:12:14,310
I can.
296
00:12:14,350 --> 00:12:16,020
Then don't be so hard
on yourself.
297
00:12:20,650 --> 00:12:21,820
Oh, no!
298
00:12:21,860 --> 00:12:23,610
My girlfriend's dead!
299
00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:24,700
And on top of that,
300
00:12:24,740 --> 00:12:26,370
it's that time in late summer
301
00:12:26,410 --> 00:12:29,160
before football starts
and there's no basketball.
302
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:31,450
I mean, there is baseball,
but it's not playoffs.
303
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:33,870
I might as well just be dead!
304
00:12:36,790 --> 00:12:38,090
[coughs, choking]
305
00:12:40,210 --> 00:12:42,340
[weakly] Children having sex,
306
00:12:42,380 --> 00:12:43,930
two murders,
307
00:12:43,970 --> 00:12:45,970
double suicide.
308
00:12:46,010 --> 00:12:48,890
Very irresponsible
to teach this...
309
00:12:48,930 --> 00:12:50,310
in schools.
310
00:12:50,350 --> 00:12:52,140
[grunts]
311
00:12:52,180 --> 00:12:54,600
Romeo? Romeo?
312
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:56,610
Oh, wherefore?
313
00:12:56,650 --> 00:12:57,860
Stupid.
314
00:12:57,900 --> 00:12:59,190
I don't understand.
315
00:12:59,230 --> 00:13:00,770
We had a plan!
316
00:13:00,820 --> 00:13:04,280
Did you think I was dead just
because I faked my own death?
317
00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:06,200
Maybe there's still poison
on your lips.
318
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:08,490
Mmm. Alas.
319
00:13:08,530 --> 00:13:11,040
Just Costco hot dog.
[shudders]
320
00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:14,330
Well, a boy I knew
for three days is dead.
321
00:13:14,370 --> 00:13:17,330
And on top of that,
WNBA season is over,
322
00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:20,250
and it's still two months
till figure skating starts!
323
00:13:21,250 --> 00:13:23,550
[groans, gasps]
324
00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:31,310
[Bruce] For never was
a story of more "Oh, no!"
325
00:13:31,350 --> 00:13:34,350
than that of Juliet
and her Romeo.
326
00:13:41,900 --> 00:13:43,650
I accidentally farted
on a candle
327
00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:46,240
at our Eyes Wide Shut party
and this happened.
328
00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:48,620
Now, please enjoy
Fatal Attraction.
329
00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:55,250
[indistinct chatter]
330
00:13:55,290 --> 00:13:58,540
Man, is this a great black
toilet loft party or what?
331
00:13:58,580 --> 00:13:59,830
Oh, yeah.
332
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,670
Hey, which line of cocaine
is for the bathroom?
333
00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:02,710
I think it's that one.
334
00:14:02,750 --> 00:14:03,920
Thanks. I'll be right back.
335
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,510
[sniffing]
336
00:14:08,590 --> 00:14:10,760
Dan Gallagher.
Confident to meet you.
337
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:13,560
I'm not gonna be ignored
by you, Dan.
338
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,100
No, no. No, no, that's later.
339
00:14:15,140 --> 00:14:17,020
Would you like to dance
in silence,
340
00:14:17,060 --> 00:14:19,060
because they always add
the music in post?
341
00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:20,100
Sure.
342
00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:23,980
What do you think
they'll choose?
343
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:25,820
♪ You take the good
you take the bad ♪
344
00:14:25,860 --> 00:14:27,400
♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪
345
00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:30,450
♪ The facts of life
the facts of life ♪
346
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:37,210
Now, let's have hot sex
in silence,
347
00:14:37,250 --> 00:14:39,620
and they'll add
the sensuous music in post.
348
00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:42,880
[both moaning]
349
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:46,630
I wonder what music
they're gonna add.
350
00:14:46,670 --> 00:14:47,720
[Inspector Gadget
theme playing]
351
00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:49,340
♪ Inspector Gadget ♪
352
00:14:52,090 --> 00:14:53,220
♪ Inspector Gadget... ♪
353
00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:54,760
Well, I'm done.
354
00:14:54,810 --> 00:14:56,810
[theme continues playing]
355
00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:01,270
♪ Inspector Gadget♪
356
00:15:02,190 --> 00:15:03,650
♪ Hoo, hoo...♪
357
00:15:03,690 --> 00:15:06,360
TV themes
were longer back now.
358
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:08,610
[insects trilling]
359
00:15:10,030 --> 00:15:11,360
I love our life.
360
00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:12,950
Yeah. It's hard not to root
361
00:15:12,990 --> 00:15:15,450
for a rich, white lawyer
in the Connecticut suburbs.
362
00:15:15,490 --> 00:15:16,490
[phone ringing]
363
00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:18,580
Dad, the not cell phone's
ringing!
364
00:15:18,620 --> 00:15:20,870
Let's let the new
answering machine get it.
365
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,000
Hi, you've reached
the Gallaghers.
366
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:25,040
Leave a message
for our intact family
367
00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:26,420
-after the beep.
-[beeps]
368
00:15:26,460 --> 00:15:28,880
Hi, Dan. It's Alex Forrest.
369
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:31,340
I just found out I'm preg--
370
00:15:31,380 --> 00:15:33,890
Now I'm giving you a minute
to pick up the phone hastily.
371
00:15:33,930 --> 00:15:35,390
I got it, I got it, I got it!
Hello?
372
00:15:35,430 --> 00:15:37,810
Judge Forrest.
How did you get this number
373
00:15:37,850 --> 00:15:40,020
when they deliver a book
that has all the numbers?
374
00:15:40,060 --> 00:15:42,400
Dan, look over
to the split screen
375
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:44,480
and see how crazy I look.
376
00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:46,230
-Eesh.
-And, also,
377
00:15:46,270 --> 00:15:47,780
I'm listening to opera,
378
00:15:47,820 --> 00:15:49,110
but I don't know which one,
379
00:15:49,150 --> 00:15:50,740
'cause they'll add it in post.
380
00:15:50,780 --> 00:15:52,200
What do you think
they'll choose?
381
00:15:53,030 --> 00:15:56,990
♪ No more Rice Krispies ♪
382
00:15:57,030 --> 00:16:00,460
♪ We ran out
of Rice Krispies... ♪
383
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:06,460
I see it!
384
00:16:06,500 --> 00:16:07,590
God!
385
00:16:11,670 --> 00:16:13,180
Hello, Dan.
386
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:16,810
How did you get in here?
387
00:16:16,850 --> 00:16:20,310
I slipped the security guard
five cocaines.
388
00:16:20,350 --> 00:16:21,850
I told you it's over!
389
00:16:21,890 --> 00:16:24,650
And I told you
we need to talk.
390
00:16:24,690 --> 00:16:26,150
I'm pregnant.
391
00:16:26,190 --> 00:16:27,480
Are you sure it's yours?
392
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:28,400
I am.
393
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:29,530
We can get rid of it.
394
00:16:29,570 --> 00:16:31,860
They won't outlaw abortion
until 2019.
395
00:16:31,900 --> 00:16:33,820
No, I'm keeping it!
396
00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:35,200
And one other thing:
397
00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:38,580
the baby will not be ignored
by you, Dan.
398
00:16:38,620 --> 00:16:40,790
That's a very big thing
for you, isn't it?
399
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:46,250
I need your help.
400
00:16:46,290 --> 00:16:48,420
Alex, the elevator chick,
is pregnant.
401
00:16:48,460 --> 00:16:49,920
I don't want to lose my family.
402
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:50,960
What can I do?
403
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,260
Listen, just call your wife
404
00:16:52,300 --> 00:16:54,130
on your numbers-on-the-top
car phone,
405
00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:55,430
and it'll all be better.
406
00:16:55,470 --> 00:16:57,260
If I were you, Dan,
I'd just go home
407
00:16:57,300 --> 00:16:58,810
and enjoy your family
and rabbit.
408
00:16:58,850 --> 00:17:00,850
Most of these things
just boil over.
409
00:17:09,110 --> 00:17:10,270
Well, that's odd.
410
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:13,320
Usually, our rabbit rushes up
to greet me.
411
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:15,990
Well, time to wash dishes
while looking at a lawn,
412
00:17:16,030 --> 00:17:17,490
like most housewives.
413
00:17:17,530 --> 00:17:19,280
[bubbling]
414
00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:21,160
What in the world?
415
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:24,000
I better warily approach
that pot in silence,
416
00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:26,370
knowing they'll add
dramatic music in post.
417
00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:28,920
I wonder what they'll choose.
418
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:33,170
♪ No more Rice Krispies♪
419
00:17:33,210 --> 00:17:37,890
♪ We ran out
of Rice Krispies♪
420
00:17:37,930 --> 00:17:39,890
[scream echoes]
421
00:17:41,930 --> 00:17:44,140
Aw, I was going to kill
the rabbit.
422
00:17:48,770 --> 00:17:50,190
All right, listen, Beth,
423
00:17:50,230 --> 00:17:52,730
I got something to tell you
in front of our kid.
424
00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:53,940
I had an affair.
425
00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:55,030
You what?
426
00:17:55,070 --> 00:17:57,240
I know.
It was awesome at the time,
427
00:17:57,280 --> 00:17:59,410
and, frankly, I was real close
to getting away with it.
428
00:17:59,450 --> 00:18:01,620
But now that there are
actual consequences,
429
00:18:01,660 --> 00:18:02,950
I got to tell you the truth.
430
00:18:02,990 --> 00:18:04,950
Dan, how could you?
431
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:06,370
Look, it's not my fault.
432
00:18:06,410 --> 00:18:08,790
My plan was to just hide this
from you forever.
433
00:18:08,830 --> 00:18:10,040
Also, she's pregnant.
434
00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:11,790
How is that possible?
435
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:14,380
Well, when a man and a woman
like each other just a little
436
00:18:14,420 --> 00:18:15,460
and they get in an elevator...
437
00:18:15,510 --> 00:18:18,380
Oh, God!
How could I be so blind?
438
00:18:18,430 --> 00:18:20,510
I wouldn't be so hard
on yourself, honey.
439
00:18:20,550 --> 00:18:21,800
But I will say,
440
00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:24,970
at least she had a pot
of something on the stove
441
00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:26,100
when I came home.
442
00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:32,150
[creaking]
443
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:35,650
[creaking]
444
00:18:46,330 --> 00:18:50,330
Well, now to defog this mirror
and see only myself.
445
00:18:50,370 --> 00:18:52,040
[squeaking]
446
00:18:52,090 --> 00:18:56,090
Now to fully close the mirror
and have no changes.
447
00:18:56,130 --> 00:18:57,630
[gasps]
448
00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:59,550
I'm sorry, Beth.
449
00:18:59,590 --> 00:19:02,300
I have a fatal attraction
to your husband.
450
00:19:02,340 --> 00:19:04,560
Ah! She said it!
That'll be in the trailer.
451
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:07,810
I'm gonna do to you
what I did to your bunny
452
00:19:07,850 --> 00:19:09,350
and your neighbor's cat
453
00:19:09,390 --> 00:19:12,150
because I went to
the wrong house the first time.
454
00:19:13,980 --> 00:19:17,570
[sighs] I love relaxing here
with that dry ceiling.
455
00:19:17,610 --> 00:19:20,320
Huh. Wonder if the weather
called for living room rain.
456
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:21,700
[weatherman]
Next up, Connecticut,
457
00:19:21,740 --> 00:19:23,490
your living room forecast:
458
00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:25,450
dry, dry, dry.
459
00:19:25,490 --> 00:19:28,200
[gasps]
That can only mean one thing!
460
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:31,460
[grunting]
461
00:19:31,500 --> 00:19:33,210
Oh, my God.
462
00:19:33,250 --> 00:19:34,750
It's happening.
It's happening.
463
00:19:34,790 --> 00:19:35,840
Dan, help!
464
00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:37,250
-Right.
-[grunting]
465
00:19:43,890 --> 00:19:45,050
You deserve to die,
466
00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:47,310
because the choices I made
are your fault!
467
00:19:47,350 --> 00:19:49,770
[muffled choking]
468
00:19:58,150 --> 00:19:59,940
All right.
She's mostly choked.
469
00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:02,240
Let's just sit on the floor
with our backs to the tub.
470
00:20:04,410 --> 00:20:05,910
[screams]
471
00:20:05,950 --> 00:20:07,200
[gunshot]
472
00:20:09,660 --> 00:20:11,870
It's just been revoked.
473
00:20:23,090 --> 00:20:24,840
Hi, I'm Chris Griffin.
474
00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:26,600
I didn't have
a lot to do tonight.
475
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:28,510
But they did say
they'd give me one minute
476
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:31,100
at the end of the show to share
my favorite love story.
477
00:20:31,140 --> 00:20:33,600
Of course, I chose
the classic romantic tale
478
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:36,150
of the love between
a young man and pastry,
479
00:20:36,190 --> 00:20:37,940
American Pie.
480
00:20:37,980 --> 00:20:39,900
The store was all out of apple,
481
00:20:39,940 --> 00:20:41,860
so this one is chicken pot,
482
00:20:41,900 --> 00:20:43,280
fresh from the oven.
483
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:44,530
Here we go.
484
00:20:44,570 --> 00:20:47,320
Ow, the piping hot gravy!
485
00:20:47,370 --> 00:20:50,080
Oh! And one of the peas
went inside!
486
00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:51,290
It's so burned,
487
00:20:51,330 --> 00:20:53,870
I can't tell what's chicken
and what's me!
488
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,210
Oh, God!
Not gonna stop though!
489
00:20:56,250 --> 00:20:58,460
Happy anniversary,
Mom and Dad,
490
00:20:58,500 --> 00:21:00,210
from your teenage son
491
00:21:00,250 --> 00:21:03,880
getting busy
with a 400-degree pot pie!
492
00:21:03,930 --> 00:21:05,470
[theme music playing]
32709
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