Original subtitles

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)

ANNOUNCER: Live from the Jerry O'Connell Stamos Theater in Hollywood,

Family Guy presents Seth & Alex's Almost Live Comedy Show,

featuring Walter Murphy and his orchestra.

(DRUM ROLL)

Ladies and gentlemen, Alex Borstein and Seth MacFarlane.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

♪ It seems today that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Thank you.

Thank you.

No, thank you. Thank you.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Seth MacFarlane.

I'm Alex Borstein, and we wanna welcome you to our Almost Live Comedy Show.

You know, we have so much fun

doing Family Guy every week... We do?

...we thought, let's find a way

to bring that kind of wacky, cartoon, musical-comedy vibe

to a live setting. So here we are.

We have some songs, we have some sketches.

Lots of other fun stuff planned.

And we have here, live in the studio,

Walter Murphy and his orchestra.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Walter wrote the Family Guy theme,

much of the music for the series.

And this is the band you hear every week on the show.

Now they play everything from the splashy show tunes

to those little tiny play-ons that you see

every time you see the Griffins' house.

And let's hear one of those.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

It's good use of 40 musicians, right?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, you know, let's have some family time.

Okay, here's one, you guys.

You can have sex with one celebrity. Who's it gonna be?

Now that's a good one. That's a good question.

Lois, who's it gonna be?

Danny Gans.

He's dead. What?

Oh, my God. When?

Like, earlier this year.

(SPEAKS HEBREW)

So does that change your answer?

No.

Okay, you know what? Then Lance Burton.

Because he could pull quarters out of me that I didn't know were there.

What about you, Peter?

Brigitte Nielsen. Who?

From Rocky IV.

You know, the blonde, kind of butch-looking blonde with the short hair.

Although, you know, I can never tell what her relationship with Ivan Drago

was supposed to be in that movie.

You know, I mean, was she his girlfriend or his agent or him?

That's a terrible choice. Pick someone current.

All right, Cate Blanchett.

What... Why?

Because I'm told she's quite beautiful.

By who?

The press and women and gay guys.

So, everyone except straight men.

Yes. Plus I want children who can't go in the sun.

Ooh, Cate Blanchett, va-va voom.

What about you, Brian? Mayim Bialik.

Really? Why?

Because I know that she would never hurt me.

I know that she would never leave.

Wait, was she Punky Brewster?

No, she was Blossom.

Oh, no. Ooh, is that what's gonna happen to Hannah Montana?

No! She's gonna be beautiful always!

Whoa.

Okay, buddy.

Well, I would pick Mrs. Humphreys.

Who?

Mrs. Humphreys. She checks us in at daycare.

That's not a celebrity.

(SCOFFS) Everybody at daycare knows who she is.

And she smells like applesauce and chalk and a little bit of whiskey,

and that suits me just fine.

How about you, Meg?

C-3PO.

What... What?

Yeah, he seems like he'd be really smart and kind of gentle.

Gentle? Meg, you sleep with him,

he'd cut you open like a tin can.

(YELLING) Well, maybe that's what I like!

You guys don't know me!

(SOBBING)

So, we all go pleasure ourselves in separate rooms

and come back in 10.

Sounds good to me.

PETER: Hey, what about Chris?

LOIS: Oh, he already finished about 16 times today.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

You know, with all this off-color stuff that we're doing,

all these self-pleasuring jokes and whatnot,

it's good to inject a certain amount of heart into this type of show,

especially with this fabulous orchestra.

So if I may, I'd like to do a song from my favorite movie.

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING EDELWEISS)

♪ Edelweiss, Edelweiss

♪ Every morning you greet me

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, can we just stop one second?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I'm so sorry. I thought we discussed this in rehearsal

that we weren't gonna do this song. What's wrong?

We weren't gonna do this song. What's the problem?

Well, you know, my being Jewish and my family history...

If you read your history books, you know the Austrian people

were not very kind to my people during World War II.

And we said we weren't gonna do this.

Nah, it's a good song.

♪ Small and white, clean and bright

♪ You look happy to meet me

No. You know what? I'm sorry. What?

I'm really sorry. You know what, I'm not gonna not say anything.

Everyone talks about

how the Jews never did anything and they didn't fight back.

Well, I'm gonna do it right now.

I'm fighting back tonight. This is not okay.

Look, look. I don't mean to be a jerk, but we're doing a TV show.

This is not the place to bring out your Hebrew baggage, all right?

This is... Can we just get through this?

♪ Blossom of snow may you bloom and grow

♪ Bloom and grow forever

No. You know what? I'm... No.

Oh, my God.

I'm really sorry. But I'm not gonna just...

My mother, who's here tonight, and my grandmother,

they barely escaped the Nazis during World War II.

And I will be damned if I'm gonna stand here with a smile on my face

'cause you're Seth MacFarlane.

No one should mess with Seth. I'm sorry. No.

Look, look. Let me just ask you this.

Had none of that ever happened,

how many female Jewish comedians

would you be competing with in Hollywood?

Right? Right now, it's just you and Sarah Silverman.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

♪ Edelweiss, Edelweiss MACFARLANE: ♪ Edelweiss

♪ Bless my homeland forever ♪ ♪ Bless my homeland forever ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

We have a little treat for you here. Now, working in Hollywood,

you sometimes run across forgotten little treasures

that somehow got swept under the rug.

Well, we have gotten our hands on some discarded screen tests

for some major Hollywood pictures.

That's right. These are very cool.

They're actors that we all know and love

who actually tested for some surprising films.

And had they been cast, it would have been a terrible mistake.

So just have a look.

MACFARLANE: Okay, Bea Arthur, Showgirls.

Okay, whenever you're ready.

All right, I just... I have a couple of questions.

First of all, there's a line in here where he says,

"It must be weird not having anyone (BLEEP) on you."

Now, do I think that's weird? Is that... That is weird?

I would think... Yes, you think it's weird. Okay.

Okay, and then, also, there's a scene here

where we're making love in the swimming pool,

and I'm writhing around in ecstasy in the water.

Now, do you want me to climax while he's shoving me underwater

or do you want it when I come up gasping for air?

You know, just go ahead and do what feels right,

but we did want to have you in your swimsuit for this.

This is my swimsuit.

Okay, next.

(MACFARLANE READING)

Okay, go ahead.

I'm a robot that turns into a truck.

Look, I'll do it right now.

(IMITATING SOUND EFFECTS)

Look, now I'm a robot.

(IMITATING SOUND EFFECTS)

Now I'm a truck.

Yeah, you don't have to make the noise.

I've been practicing the noise in the shower.

(IMITATING SOUND EFFECTS)

Now I'm a robot.

Now I'm a truck. You can't believe what you're seeing.

(MACFARLANE READING)

Whenever you're ready.

Oh, God, I totally love pianos.

I would totally love to play the piano

'cause I used to take lessons when I was little,

when I was a little kid, my mom got me the lessons.

I was like, "I'm not playing piano. Only the dorks play piano."

Oh, my God, I was more interested in being with the guys.

And the guys were like, "Loser." And I was like,

"I'll sleep with you. Even if you think I'm a loser, I don't care."

They said, "Will you sleep with the whole hockey team?"

"I'll do anything for attention." Kathy. Kathy.

"I don't mind." Kathy.

You character does not talk in the movie The Piano. She's a mute.

I can do that.

(HUMMING)

Not talking at all. The piano. Piano.

(CONTINUES HUMMING)

Okay, quieter. This is a chord.

Quieter. Okay, that was a chord. Quieter. Quieter.

(HUMMING SOFTLY)

Totally silent. No noise at all, Kathy.

(WHIMPERS)

Don't make a sound.

(HUMS)

Okay, thanks.

(MACFARLANE READING)

Okay, go ahead.

Okay, fellows, let's roll.

We'll charge the cockpit, bust open the door

and take down the hijackers.

There's just one thing I want you to do.

What's that?

Talk me out of it.

(SOBBING)

I do believe in Allah. I do believe in Allah.

I do, I do, I do, I do.

(MACFARLANE READING)

Okay, you see the spaceship for the first time.

Okay.

And you can't take your eyes off it.

Like this? Bigger.

Big reaction. Oh, my God.

Wide-eyed and bigger. Like this?

Eye-popping action, Renee. Big, big reaction.

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, my God, I see aliens.

You cannot believe your eyes.

Oh, my God, there they are. (GASPING)

You cannot believe your wide-open eyes.

Oh, my God, I'm so surprised.

It's just eye-popping action,

and you're looking right at it.

I feel it. Your eyes are burning

from looking at it so much. I'm feeling it.

The Meisner's kicking in.

(GASPING)

Oh, my God.

(MACFARLANE READING)

Okay, scene 14.

It is the decision of this law firm that you be terminated immediately.

You're... You're firing me?

I'm sorry.

It's because I have AIDS, isn't it?

You're firing me because I'm a homosexual man with AIDS.

It's more complicated than that.

Screw you.

This is discrimination, pure and simple.

And you know, I'd be a lot more upset about it

if we didn't have John Denver here tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

John Denver, yay.

Wow, I think you might be perfect for this role.

Really? Yeah.

That was the gayest thing I've ever seen.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

You know, we do a lot of celebrity gags on Family Guy.

We make fun of a lot of celebrities.

And one of our favorites, though, was a gag in which

Marlee Matlin calls Moviefone.

And it went something like this.

Welcome to Moviefone.

Please say the name of the movie you would like to see now.

(AS MATLIN) (500) Days of Summer.

I did not understand your selection.

Please say the name of the movie you would like to see now.

(500) Days of Summer.

You have selected Fame.

(EXCLAIMS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Just keeps getting funnier. We're gonna burn in hell, aren't we?

I know. I know. I'm already feeling the heat.

Now we...

Seriously, if the Christians are right and I'm wrong,

I am going to seriously burn in hell.

You are. It's gonna be really bad.

Even if... It's gonna be really bad.

But even if they're wrong, let's just say... Yeah.

...I have a feeling that at some point here on Earth,

someone's gonna set you on fire.

(LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I'm just saying. Yeah.

I have a feeling you're probably right.

I've already made out my will.

We kid Marlee Matlin, but she really is an amazing woman.

She was on Dancing with the Stars recently.

But what you may not know

is that she also has an album coming out next year

that features pop song covers,

including this little gem.

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING POKER FACE)

(SINGING AS MATLIN) ♪ I wanna hold 'em like they do in Texas plays

♪ Fold 'em, let 'em hit me, raise it, baby stay with me

♪ Luck and intuition play the cards with spades to start

♪ And after he's been hooked I'll play the one that's on his heart

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

♪ I'll get him hot, show him what I got

♪ I'll get him hot, show him what I got

♪ Can't read my, can't read my

♪ No, he can't read my poker face

♪ Can't read my, can't read my

♪ No, he can't read my poker face

♪ Poker face, poker face

♪ Poker face, poker face

Are you still playing? You are.

...3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.

♪ I wanna roll with him a hard pair we will be

♪ A little gambling is fun when you're with me

♪ Russian roulette is not... ♪

Oh (BLEEP).

Shut up!

I just... No, no. I just wanna say I'm a really, really big fan of yours. I...

Children of a Lesser God was amazing, you won an award,

and your book was so candid and so courageous,

and your work on The West Wing is incredible.

(EXCLAIMING) Shut up!

You're embarrassing yourself.

You think it feels good being made fun of?

Well, how about I do an impression of you?

No, you... Okay, let me do it.

I'm Alex. I'm an arrogant little whore.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

All I do is not exercise,

eat Oreos

and complain that I'm not in more movies.

Here's me walking down the street.

Does that feel good? No.

Huh? No, it doesn't, Miss Matlin.

Does it? No.

No, it doesn't!

No.

(SIGHS)

You know, you've made fun of me more than twice.

Twice. On Family Guy.

Did you ever think once

of calling me and asking me to do my own voice?

No, no, I swear, Miss Matlin, we did, we called.

But the phone just rang and rang and...

(ALL LAUGHING)

(MOUTHING)

You want to learn some sign language?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah?

(BLEEP)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

You know, before we get too far into this,

I gotta say, it's very nice to see you behind the microphone again.

Well, thank you very much, Seth.

Alex... Actually, you might not know this, Alex used to do stand-up.

Well, more like storytelling.

And you used to do... (LAUGHING)

You used to do this bit which I would love for you to do right now.

Which one? You know the one I'm talking about.

I don't. That thing where you tell a joke

that only a rapist can hear.

Okay.

All right, here you go. It goes like this. Yeah, yeah.

(MOUTHING)

(LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You know, when Family Guy returned from cancellation many moons ago,

we began the season with Peter Griffin

reciting a list of all the Fox shows

that had been canceled since we were,

if you remember that, and there were quite a lot of them.

Yes, no one succeeds at failure better than Fox.

So here's some clips

from a few pilots that actually never even made to the air.

Let's take a look.

(SIREN WAILING)

I'm not going in there.

Well, I'm not either.

But there's a drug dealer in there.

I know, but what if he's got a cat?

Oh, God.

I'm gonna be all sniffles while I'm shooting.

'Cause you know, it's not the fur. It's the dander.

We're in the wrong profession.

On the way back, let's not go the way with the toll.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Here's the main title sequence from a failed Fox western pilot.

And I think part of the problem might be the theme song itself.

Take a look at this. These lyrics don't seem to make a lot of sense.

MAN: ♪ There was a man who shot the man

♪ who was a man who shot the man Cal Johnson

CHORUS: ♪ Cal Johnson

MAN: ♪ He wore a hat, his favorite hat

♪ He loved that hat, he hated hats Cal Johnson

CHORUS: ♪ Cal Johnson

MAN: ♪ He was a dad to zero kids and yet he fathered five

♪ He got shot dead a year ago and yet he's still alive

♪ He's rich beyond his wildest dreams yet never had a dime

♪ A lawman to the very end he led a life of crime

♪ In all his years of life on Earth he never fired a gun

♪ Yet when it came to Chinese men he shot down every one

♪ He had a horse named Bandit and the horse's name was Clyde

♪ Cal Johnson was born the day he died ♪

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Yeah.

Patrick Warburton as Cal Johnson. We... Yeah.

So here's the deal. We have a slight problem.

Our time's almost up and we kind of promised the network

that in exchange for getting to do this little show and play

that we would really promote the heck out of The Cleveland Show.

But we haven't done it. All we've done is sing songs and cuss a lot.

Yeah. So how about this?

As long as we're swearing so much,

let's play a little game that might help promote the show.

Every time we curse or use a bad word,

instead of a bleep you'll hear this.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland.

Hmm. Interesting. So, like, if I wanna refer to my genitalia,

instead I'd say...

AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland.

Right. Or, instead of saying, "erotic gratification" or something like that,

I'd say, "Last night I watched Law & Order SVU

"until I... AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So I can say, "Hey, Seth,

"you've got a really small..." AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland.

Or I could say, "Gosh, Alex,

"last night you gave me a really low-energy..."

AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland.

I think I understand. Let me see.

So I could say, "Hey, I just spent all day at yoga

"and my..." AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland.

"...smells like a Moroccan village."

You could definitely say that.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Doesn't bother me. I take care of myself, I do yoga.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

And if that's a byproduct, so be it.

Okay, wait. So I could say also, like,

"If you were a South African hermaphrodite runner,

"you very well could have a... AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland.

...and... Cleveland.

Ooh. Exotic.

And if you were flexible,

you could curl your... Cleveland.

...around your... Cleveland.

...wash it off, and then start in on your... Cleveland.

...your... Cleveland.

...got your two hands free to just... Cleveland.

...to...till they...on your... Cleveland. Cleveland. Cleveland.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Okay, are we done? 'Cause I am about to

...my... Cleveland. Cleveland.

You can do that?

Yeah, if I'm sitting on a hard bench or something.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

All right. Well, folks, we hope you enjoyed our show.

We really do and we wanna thank our fans both here in the audience and at home.

We know that without you, we would not have any of this.

(ALL CHEERING)

Ladies and gentlemen, my beautiful TV wife, Alex Borstein.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

And now, we'll say good night to you

with a few of your favorite Family Guy tunes. Walter.

♪ Now a woman who'll kiss on the very first date

♪ Is usually a hussy

♪ And a woman who'll kiss on the second time out

♪ Is anything but fussy

♪ But a woman who'll wait till the third time around

♪ Head in the clouds, feet on the ground

♪ She's the girl he's glad he's found She's his Shipoopi

♪ Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi

ALL: ♪ The girl who's hard to get

♪ Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi

CHEERLEADERS: ♪ But you can win her yet ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

♪ She packed my bags last night pre-flight.

Zero hour, 9:00 a.m.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

♪ And I'm gonna be high As a kite by then

All right, Walter, take this and jam it

right down my trousers, my friend.

♪ And I think it's gonna be a long, long, time

♪ Till touchdown brings me round again to find

♪ I'm not the man they think I am at home

♪ Oh, no, no, no

♪ I'm a rocket man

♪ Rocket man burning off his fuse out here alone ♪

Ooh! Yes. Yes.

I'm musically stimulated in a way that you can't put on TV.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(SURFIN' BIRD PLAYING)

Oh, my God, this is Surfin' Bird by The Trashmen.

This is my favorite song of all time!

♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word

♪ A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word

♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word

♪ A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word

♪ A-well-a, don't you know about the bird?

♪ Yeah, everybody's heard that the bird's the word

♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word

♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word

♪ A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

♪ A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word

♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word

♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word

♪ A-well-a, bird, bird, bird ♪