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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,034 --> 00:00:06,799 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 2 00:00:06,868 --> 00:00:08,833 (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING) 3 00:00:08,901 --> 00:00:11,566 ANNOUNCER: Live from the Jerry O'Connell Stamos Theater in Hollywood, 4 00:00:11,634 --> 00:00:15,499 Family Guy presents Seth & Alex's Almost Live Comedy Show, 5 00:00:15,568 --> 00:00:18,699 featuring Walter Murphy and his orchestra. 6 00:00:19,834 --> 00:00:21,499 (DRUM ROLL) 7 00:00:21,568 --> 00:00:25,466 Ladies and gentlemen, Alex Borstein and Seth MacFarlane. 8 00:00:25,535 --> 00:00:27,366 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 9 00:00:31,900 --> 00:00:35,198 ♪ It seems today that all you see 10 00:00:35,268 --> 00:00:38,532 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV 11 00:00:38,601 --> 00:00:42,165 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values 12 00:00:42,234 --> 00:00:45,166 ♪ On which we used to rely? 13 00:00:45,234 --> 00:00:48,299 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 14 00:00:48,368 --> 00:00:51,666 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do 15 00:00:51,735 --> 00:00:53,199 ♪ All the things that make us 16 00:00:53,268 --> 00:00:54,798 ♪ Laugh and cry 17 00:00:54,867 --> 00:01:01,032 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 18 00:01:04,768 --> 00:01:06,599 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 19 00:01:13,168 --> 00:01:14,533 Thank you. 20 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:15,665 Thank you. 21 00:01:15,733 --> 00:01:17,632 No, thank you. Thank you. 22 00:01:17,701 --> 00:01:20,366 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Seth MacFarlane. 23 00:01:20,434 --> 00:01:24,633 I'm Alex Borstein, and we wanna welcome you to our Almost Live Comedy Show. 24 00:01:24,702 --> 00:01:26,098 You know, we have so much fun 25 00:01:26,168 --> 00:01:27,266 doing Family Guy every week... We do? 26 00:01:27,334 --> 00:01:28,932 ...we thought, let's find a way 27 00:01:29,001 --> 00:01:32,365 to bring that kind of wacky, cartoon, musical-comedy vibe 28 00:01:32,434 --> 00:01:34,032 to a live setting. So here we are. 29 00:01:34,100 --> 00:01:35,698 We have some songs, we have some sketches. 30 00:01:35,767 --> 00:01:37,266 Lots of other fun stuff planned. 31 00:01:37,335 --> 00:01:39,399 And we have here, live in the studio, 32 00:01:39,468 --> 00:01:41,499 Walter Murphy and his orchestra. 33 00:01:41,568 --> 00:01:43,366 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 34 00:01:47,601 --> 00:01:49,232 Walter wrote the Family Guy theme, 35 00:01:49,301 --> 00:01:50,899 much of the music for the series. 36 00:01:50,967 --> 00:01:52,866 And this is the band you hear every week on the show. 37 00:01:52,934 --> 00:01:55,666 Now they play everything from the splashy show tunes 38 00:01:55,734 --> 00:01:57,499 to those little tiny play-ons that you see 39 00:01:57,568 --> 00:01:59,066 every time you see the Griffins' house. 40 00:01:59,134 --> 00:02:00,532 And let's hear one of those. 41 00:02:00,601 --> 00:02:02,399 (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) 42 00:02:06,067 --> 00:02:07,132 It's good use of 40 musicians, right? 43 00:02:07,201 --> 00:02:08,232 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 44 00:02:08,301 --> 00:02:10,098 (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) 45 00:02:12,235 --> 00:02:13,798 Okay, you know, let's have some family time. 46 00:02:13,867 --> 00:02:15,099 Okay, here's one, you guys. 47 00:02:15,167 --> 00:02:18,298 You can have sex with one celebrity. Who's it gonna be? 48 00:02:18,367 --> 00:02:20,599 Now that's a good one. That's a good question. 49 00:02:20,667 --> 00:02:22,365 Lois, who's it gonna be? 50 00:02:22,434 --> 00:02:23,765 Danny Gans. 51 00:02:23,834 --> 00:02:25,299 He's dead. What? 52 00:02:25,367 --> 00:02:26,832 Oh, my God. When? 53 00:02:26,901 --> 00:02:28,066 Like, earlier this year. 54 00:02:28,134 --> 00:02:30,432 (SPEAKS HEBREW) 55 00:02:30,501 --> 00:02:32,099 So does that change your answer? 56 00:02:32,167 --> 00:02:33,432 No. 57 00:02:33,501 --> 00:02:35,865 Okay, you know what? Then Lance Burton. 58 00:02:35,934 --> 00:02:39,900 Because he could pull quarters out of me that I didn't know were there. 59 00:02:39,968 --> 00:02:41,366 What about you, Peter? 60 00:02:41,434 --> 00:02:42,965 Brigitte Nielsen. Who? 61 00:02:43,034 --> 00:02:44,732 From Rocky IV. 62 00:02:44,801 --> 00:02:47,433 You know, the blonde, kind of butch-looking blonde with the short hair. 63 00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:50,032 Although, you know, I can never tell what her relationship with Ivan Drago 64 00:02:50,101 --> 00:02:51,632 was supposed to be in that movie. 65 00:02:51,701 --> 00:02:55,132 You know, I mean, was she his girlfriend or his agent or him? 66 00:02:55,201 --> 00:02:57,833 That's a terrible choice. Pick someone current. 67 00:02:58,801 --> 00:03:00,198 All right, Cate Blanchett. 68 00:03:00,268 --> 00:03:01,699 What... Why? 69 00:03:01,768 --> 00:03:03,700 Because I'm told she's quite beautiful. 70 00:03:03,767 --> 00:03:04,832 By who? 71 00:03:04,900 --> 00:03:06,999 The press and women and gay guys. 72 00:03:07,067 --> 00:03:09,499 So, everyone except straight men. 73 00:03:09,567 --> 00:03:12,099 Yes. Plus I want children who can't go in the sun. 74 00:03:12,168 --> 00:03:14,766 Ooh, Cate Blanchett, va-va voom. 75 00:03:14,834 --> 00:03:16,898 What about you, Brian? Mayim Bialik. 76 00:03:16,967 --> 00:03:18,199 Really? Why? 77 00:03:18,267 --> 00:03:21,065 Because I know that she would never hurt me. 78 00:03:21,134 --> 00:03:23,132 I know that she would never leave. 79 00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:24,365 Wait, was she Punky Brewster? 80 00:03:24,434 --> 00:03:25,732 No, she was Blossom. 81 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:29,432 Oh, no. Ooh, is that what's gonna happen to Hannah Montana? 82 00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:31,933 No! She's gonna be beautiful always! 83 00:03:32,768 --> 00:03:34,399 Whoa. 84 00:03:34,468 --> 00:03:35,933 Okay, buddy. 85 00:03:37,101 --> 00:03:39,366 Well, I would pick Mrs. Humphreys. 86 00:03:39,435 --> 00:03:40,699 Who? 87 00:03:40,768 --> 00:03:42,833 Mrs. Humphreys. She checks us in at daycare. 88 00:03:42,901 --> 00:03:44,199 That's not a celebrity. 89 00:03:44,268 --> 00:03:46,065 (SCOFFS) Everybody at daycare knows who she is. 90 00:03:46,134 --> 00:03:49,298 And she smells like applesauce and chalk and a little bit of whiskey, 91 00:03:49,367 --> 00:03:51,466 and that suits me just fine. 92 00:03:51,534 --> 00:03:53,266 How about you, Meg? 93 00:03:53,768 --> 00:03:54,866 C-3PO. 94 00:03:54,934 --> 00:03:56,465 What... What? 95 00:03:56,534 --> 00:03:59,466 Yeah, he seems like he'd be really smart and kind of gentle. 96 00:03:59,534 --> 00:04:01,399 Gentle? Meg, you sleep with him, 97 00:04:01,467 --> 00:04:02,999 he'd cut you open like a tin can. 98 00:04:03,068 --> 00:04:05,433 (YELLING) Well, maybe that's what I like! 99 00:04:05,501 --> 00:04:07,698 You guys don't know me! 100 00:04:07,767 --> 00:04:09,332 (SOBBING) 101 00:04:12,734 --> 00:04:15,599 So, we all go pleasure ourselves in separate rooms 102 00:04:15,667 --> 00:04:16,698 and come back in 10. 103 00:04:16,767 --> 00:04:18,398 Sounds good to me. 104 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:21,798 PETER: Hey, what about Chris? 105 00:04:21,867 --> 00:04:24,465 LOIS: Oh, he already finished about 16 times today. 106 00:04:24,534 --> 00:04:25,932 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 107 00:04:26,001 --> 00:04:27,499 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 108 00:04:29,434 --> 00:04:32,732 You know, with all this off-color stuff that we're doing, 109 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:36,432 all these self-pleasuring jokes and whatnot, 110 00:04:36,501 --> 00:04:39,365 it's good to inject a certain amount of heart into this type of show, 111 00:04:39,434 --> 00:04:41,698 especially with this fabulous orchestra. 112 00:04:41,767 --> 00:04:46,265 So if I may, I'd like to do a song from my favorite movie. 113 00:04:46,334 --> 00:04:48,499 (ORCHESTRA PLAYING EDELWEISS) 114 00:04:55,734 --> 00:05:02,966 ♪ Edelweiss, Edelweiss 115 00:05:03,034 --> 00:05:08,232 ♪ Every morning you greet me 116 00:05:08,301 --> 00:05:09,965 I'm sorry. I'm sorry, can we just stop one second? 117 00:05:10,034 --> 00:05:11,665 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 118 00:05:11,733 --> 00:05:14,065 I'm so sorry. I thought we discussed this in rehearsal 119 00:05:14,134 --> 00:05:15,831 that we weren't gonna do this song. What's wrong? 120 00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:17,731 We weren't gonna do this song. What's the problem? 121 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,899 Well, you know, my being Jewish and my family history... 122 00:05:20,968 --> 00:05:23,833 If you read your history books, you know the Austrian people 123 00:05:23,901 --> 00:05:26,266 were not very kind to my people during World War II. 124 00:05:26,335 --> 00:05:29,265 And we said we weren't gonna do this. 125 00:05:29,334 --> 00:05:30,499 Nah, it's a good song. 126 00:05:30,567 --> 00:05:37,366 ♪ Small and white, clean and bright 127 00:05:37,434 --> 00:05:42,932 ♪ You look happy to meet me 128 00:05:43,001 --> 00:05:44,800 No. You know what? I'm sorry. What? 129 00:05:44,867 --> 00:05:46,633 I'm really sorry. You know what, I'm not gonna not say anything. 130 00:05:46,702 --> 00:05:48,399 Everyone talks about 131 00:05:48,468 --> 00:05:49,733 how the Jews never did anything and they didn't fight back. 132 00:05:49,802 --> 00:05:51,265 Well, I'm gonna do it right now. 133 00:05:51,335 --> 00:05:52,998 I'm fighting back tonight. This is not okay. 134 00:05:53,067 --> 00:05:56,332 Look, look. I don't mean to be a jerk, but we're doing a TV show. 135 00:05:56,401 --> 00:05:58,699 This is not the place to bring out your Hebrew baggage, all right? 136 00:05:58,768 --> 00:06:01,166 This is... Can we just get through this? 137 00:06:01,234 --> 00:06:07,031 ♪ Blossom of snow may you bloom and grow 138 00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:12,565 ♪ Bloom and grow forever 139 00:06:12,633 --> 00:06:13,631 No. You know what? I'm... No. 140 00:06:13,700 --> 00:06:15,099 Oh, my God. 141 00:06:15,168 --> 00:06:16,798 I'm really sorry. But I'm not gonna just... 142 00:06:16,867 --> 00:06:18,566 My mother, who's here tonight, and my grandmother, 143 00:06:18,635 --> 00:06:20,499 they barely escaped the Nazis during World War II. 144 00:06:20,568 --> 00:06:23,199 And I will be damned if I'm gonna stand here with a smile on my face 145 00:06:23,267 --> 00:06:24,831 'cause you're Seth MacFarlane. 146 00:06:24,900 --> 00:06:27,065 No one should mess with Seth. I'm sorry. No. 147 00:06:27,134 --> 00:06:28,599 Look, look. Let me just ask you this. 148 00:06:28,667 --> 00:06:30,966 Had none of that ever happened, 149 00:06:31,034 --> 00:06:32,432 how many female Jewish comedians 150 00:06:32,501 --> 00:06:34,132 would you be competing with in Hollywood? 151 00:06:34,201 --> 00:06:36,565 Right? Right now, it's just you and Sarah Silverman. 152 00:06:36,634 --> 00:06:38,432 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 153 00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:46,732 ♪ Edelweiss, Edelweiss MACFARLANE: ♪ Edelweiss 154 00:06:46,801 --> 00:06:53,699 ♪ Bless my homeland forever ♪ ♪ Bless my homeland forever ♪ 155 00:06:57,034 --> 00:06:58,965 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 156 00:07:08,034 --> 00:07:10,765 We have a little treat for you here. Now, working in Hollywood, 157 00:07:10,834 --> 00:07:13,865 you sometimes run across forgotten little treasures 158 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,666 that somehow got swept under the rug. 159 00:07:15,734 --> 00:07:19,399 Well, we have gotten our hands on some discarded screen tests 160 00:07:19,468 --> 00:07:21,265 for some major Hollywood pictures. 161 00:07:21,334 --> 00:07:22,965 That's right. These are very cool. 162 00:07:23,034 --> 00:07:24,565 They're actors that we all know and love 163 00:07:24,634 --> 00:07:27,266 who actually tested for some surprising films. 164 00:07:27,334 --> 00:07:29,999 And had they been cast, it would have been a terrible mistake. 165 00:07:30,067 --> 00:07:31,999 So just have a look. 166 00:07:33,734 --> 00:07:35,865 MACFARLANE: Okay, Bea Arthur, Showgirls. 167 00:07:37,201 --> 00:07:38,999 Okay, whenever you're ready. 168 00:07:39,067 --> 00:07:42,232 All right, I just... I have a couple of questions. 169 00:07:42,301 --> 00:07:45,065 First of all, there's a line in here where he says, 170 00:07:45,134 --> 00:07:49,399 "It must be weird not having anyone (BLEEP) on you." 171 00:07:49,467 --> 00:07:52,599 Now, do I think that's weird? Is that... That is weird? 172 00:07:52,667 --> 00:07:55,132 I would think... Yes, you think it's weird. Okay. 173 00:07:55,201 --> 00:07:57,965 Okay, and then, also, there's a scene here 174 00:07:58,034 --> 00:08:00,332 where we're making love in the swimming pool, 175 00:08:00,401 --> 00:08:03,766 and I'm writhing around in ecstasy in the water. 176 00:08:03,834 --> 00:08:07,699 Now, do you want me to climax while he's shoving me underwater 177 00:08:07,768 --> 00:08:11,232 or do you want it when I come up gasping for air? 178 00:08:11,301 --> 00:08:13,366 You know, just go ahead and do what feels right, 179 00:08:13,435 --> 00:08:16,499 but we did want to have you in your swimsuit for this. 180 00:08:16,568 --> 00:08:18,066 This is my swimsuit. 181 00:08:18,134 --> 00:08:19,866 Okay, next. 182 00:08:21,867 --> 00:08:24,866 (MACFARLANE READING) 183 00:08:24,934 --> 00:08:25,999 Okay, go ahead. 184 00:08:26,067 --> 00:08:29,099 I'm a robot that turns into a truck. 185 00:08:29,167 --> 00:08:31,165 Look, I'll do it right now. 186 00:08:31,234 --> 00:08:33,266 (IMITATING SOUND EFFECTS) 187 00:08:33,334 --> 00:08:35,599 Look, now I'm a robot. 188 00:08:35,667 --> 00:08:37,732 (IMITATING SOUND EFFECTS) 189 00:08:37,801 --> 00:08:39,332 Now I'm a truck. 190 00:08:39,401 --> 00:08:40,965 Yeah, you don't have to make the noise. 191 00:08:41,034 --> 00:08:43,899 I've been practicing the noise in the shower. 192 00:08:43,967 --> 00:08:45,932 (IMITATING SOUND EFFECTS) 193 00:08:46,001 --> 00:08:47,732 Now I'm a robot. 194 00:08:51,868 --> 00:08:55,499 Now I'm a truck. You can't believe what you're seeing. 195 00:08:56,967 --> 00:08:59,965 (MACFARLANE READING) 196 00:09:00,034 --> 00:09:01,166 Whenever you're ready. 197 00:09:01,234 --> 00:09:02,932 Oh, God, I totally love pianos. 198 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:04,132 I would totally love to play the piano 199 00:09:04,201 --> 00:09:05,698 'cause I used to take lessons when I was little, 200 00:09:05,767 --> 00:09:07,365 when I was a little kid, my mom got me the lessons. 201 00:09:07,434 --> 00:09:09,632 I was like, "I'm not playing piano. Only the dorks play piano." 202 00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:11,332 Oh, my God, I was more interested in being with the guys. 203 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:13,099 And the guys were like, "Loser." And I was like, 204 00:09:13,167 --> 00:09:15,265 "I'll sleep with you. Even if you think I'm a loser, I don't care." 205 00:09:15,334 --> 00:09:17,165 They said, "Will you sleep with the whole hockey team?" 206 00:09:17,234 --> 00:09:18,398 "I'll do anything for attention." Kathy. Kathy. 207 00:09:18,467 --> 00:09:20,165 "I don't mind." Kathy. 208 00:09:20,234 --> 00:09:23,432 You character does not talk in the movie The Piano. She's a mute. 209 00:09:23,501 --> 00:09:25,165 I can do that. 210 00:09:25,234 --> 00:09:27,565 (HUMMING) 211 00:09:27,634 --> 00:09:29,632 Not talking at all. The piano. Piano. 212 00:09:29,700 --> 00:09:30,798 (CONTINUES HUMMING) 213 00:09:30,867 --> 00:09:32,832 Okay, quieter. This is a chord. 214 00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:36,632 Quieter. Okay, that was a chord. Quieter. Quieter. 215 00:09:36,700 --> 00:09:37,765 (HUMMING SOFTLY) 216 00:09:37,834 --> 00:09:40,365 Totally silent. No noise at all, Kathy. 217 00:09:40,434 --> 00:09:41,465 (WHIMPERS) 218 00:09:41,534 --> 00:09:42,532 Don't make a sound. 219 00:09:42,601 --> 00:09:43,698 (HUMS) 220 00:09:43,767 --> 00:09:45,099 Okay, thanks. 221 00:09:46,568 --> 00:09:50,132 (MACFARLANE READING) 222 00:09:50,201 --> 00:09:51,332 Okay, go ahead. 223 00:09:51,401 --> 00:09:53,031 Okay, fellows, let's roll. 224 00:09:53,100 --> 00:09:55,198 We'll charge the cockpit, bust open the door 225 00:09:55,268 --> 00:09:56,998 and take down the hijackers. 226 00:09:57,067 --> 00:09:58,765 There's just one thing I want you to do. 227 00:09:58,833 --> 00:09:59,898 What's that? 228 00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:01,633 Talk me out of it. 229 00:10:01,701 --> 00:10:03,432 (SOBBING) 230 00:10:03,501 --> 00:10:05,865 I do believe in Allah. I do believe in Allah. 231 00:10:05,933 --> 00:10:07,798 I do, I do, I do, I do. 232 00:10:09,301 --> 00:10:12,533 (MACFARLANE READING) 233 00:10:12,602 --> 00:10:15,632 Okay, you see the spaceship for the first time. 234 00:10:15,700 --> 00:10:16,732 Okay. 235 00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,632 And you can't take your eyes off it. 236 00:10:18,700 --> 00:10:20,499 Like this? Bigger. 237 00:10:20,567 --> 00:10:22,398 Big reaction. Oh, my God. 238 00:10:22,467 --> 00:10:24,432 Wide-eyed and bigger. Like this? 239 00:10:24,501 --> 00:10:26,298 Eye-popping action, Renee. Big, big reaction. 240 00:10:26,367 --> 00:10:27,532 (EXCLAIMING) 241 00:10:27,601 --> 00:10:28,898 Oh, my God, I see aliens. 242 00:10:28,967 --> 00:10:30,265 You cannot believe your eyes. 243 00:10:30,334 --> 00:10:31,765 Oh, my God, there they are. (GASPING) 244 00:10:31,834 --> 00:10:33,198 You cannot believe your wide-open eyes. 245 00:10:33,267 --> 00:10:35,198 Oh, my God, I'm so surprised. 246 00:10:35,267 --> 00:10:37,432 It's just eye-popping action, 247 00:10:37,501 --> 00:10:39,665 and you're looking right at it. 248 00:10:39,734 --> 00:10:40,965 I feel it. Your eyes are burning 249 00:10:41,034 --> 00:10:42,499 from looking at it so much. I'm feeling it. 250 00:10:42,567 --> 00:10:44,065 The Meisner's kicking in. 251 00:10:44,134 --> 00:10:45,298 (GASPING) 252 00:10:45,367 --> 00:10:47,065 Oh, my God. 253 00:10:48,735 --> 00:10:51,099 (MACFARLANE READING) 254 00:10:51,168 --> 00:10:53,132 Okay, scene 14. 255 00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:57,332 It is the decision of this law firm that you be terminated immediately. 256 00:10:57,401 --> 00:10:59,165 You're... You're firing me? 257 00:10:59,234 --> 00:11:00,965 I'm sorry. 258 00:11:01,033 --> 00:11:02,499 It's because I have AIDS, isn't it? 259 00:11:02,568 --> 00:11:05,399 You're firing me because I'm a homosexual man with AIDS. 260 00:11:05,468 --> 00:11:06,766 It's more complicated than that. 261 00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:07,965 Screw you. 262 00:11:08,034 --> 00:11:10,299 This is discrimination, pure and simple. 263 00:11:10,368 --> 00:11:11,998 And you know, I'd be a lot more upset about it 264 00:11:12,067 --> 00:11:13,998 if we didn't have John Denver here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. 265 00:11:14,067 --> 00:11:16,832 John Denver, yay. 266 00:11:16,900 --> 00:11:20,366 Wow, I think you might be perfect for this role. 267 00:11:20,435 --> 00:11:21,898 Really? Yeah. 268 00:11:21,967 --> 00:11:24,998 That was the gayest thing I've ever seen. 269 00:11:25,067 --> 00:11:27,199 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 270 00:11:28,167 --> 00:11:29,998 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 271 00:11:36,301 --> 00:11:39,399 You know, we do a lot of celebrity gags on Family Guy. 272 00:11:39,467 --> 00:11:40,999 We make fun of a lot of celebrities. 273 00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:44,332 And one of our favorites, though, was a gag in which 274 00:11:44,401 --> 00:11:47,099 Marlee Matlin calls Moviefone. 275 00:11:47,168 --> 00:11:49,699 And it went something like this. 276 00:11:49,768 --> 00:11:51,465 Welcome to Moviefone. 277 00:11:51,534 --> 00:11:55,166 Please say the name of the movie you would like to see now. 278 00:11:55,234 --> 00:11:58,232 (AS MATLIN) (500) Days of Summer. 279 00:11:58,301 --> 00:12:00,332 I did not understand your selection. 280 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:04,065 Please say the name of the movie you would like to see now. 281 00:12:04,134 --> 00:12:06,333 (500) Days of Summer. 282 00:12:07,734 --> 00:12:09,899 You have selected Fame. 283 00:12:09,967 --> 00:12:11,332 (EXCLAIMS) 284 00:12:11,401 --> 00:12:13,198 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 285 00:12:13,267 --> 00:12:14,965 Just keeps getting funnier. We're gonna burn in hell, aren't we? 286 00:12:15,034 --> 00:12:18,099 I know. I know. I'm already feeling the heat. 287 00:12:18,867 --> 00:12:20,898 Now we... 288 00:12:20,967 --> 00:12:23,532 Seriously, if the Christians are right and I'm wrong, 289 00:12:23,601 --> 00:12:25,399 I am going to seriously burn in hell. 290 00:12:25,468 --> 00:12:27,166 You are. It's gonna be really bad. 291 00:12:27,234 --> 00:12:28,798 Even if... It's gonna be really bad. 292 00:12:28,867 --> 00:12:30,998 But even if they're wrong, let's just say... Yeah. 293 00:12:31,068 --> 00:12:33,066 ...I have a feeling that at some point here on Earth, 294 00:12:33,134 --> 00:12:34,232 someone's gonna set you on fire. 295 00:12:34,301 --> 00:12:35,499 (LAUGHING) 296 00:12:35,568 --> 00:12:37,165 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 297 00:12:37,234 --> 00:12:40,232 I'm just saying. Yeah. 298 00:12:40,301 --> 00:12:41,832 I have a feeling you're probably right. 299 00:12:41,901 --> 00:12:43,599 I've already made out my will. 300 00:12:43,667 --> 00:12:46,466 We kid Marlee Matlin, but she really is an amazing woman. 301 00:12:46,534 --> 00:12:48,831 She was on Dancing with the Stars recently. 302 00:12:48,900 --> 00:12:50,698 But what you may not know 303 00:12:50,767 --> 00:12:52,965 is that she also has an album coming out next year 304 00:12:53,034 --> 00:12:54,865 that features pop song covers, 305 00:12:54,934 --> 00:12:56,798 including this little gem. 306 00:12:56,867 --> 00:12:58,832 (ORCHESTRA PLAYING POKER FACE) 307 00:13:05,167 --> 00:13:08,899 (SINGING AS MATLIN) ♪ I wanna hold 'em like they do in Texas plays 308 00:13:08,967 --> 00:13:12,865 ♪ Fold 'em, let 'em hit me, raise it, baby stay with me 309 00:13:12,934 --> 00:13:16,732 ♪ Luck and intuition play the cards with spades to start 310 00:13:16,801 --> 00:13:20,831 ♪ And after he's been hooked I'll play the one that's on his heart 311 00:13:20,900 --> 00:13:22,698 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 312 00:13:25,168 --> 00:13:28,466 ♪ I'll get him hot, show him what I got 313 00:13:33,167 --> 00:13:37,132 ♪ I'll get him hot, show him what I got 314 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,098 ♪ Can't read my, can't read my 315 00:13:39,167 --> 00:13:42,666 ♪ No, he can't read my poker face 316 00:13:45,134 --> 00:13:47,099 ♪ Can't read my, can't read my 317 00:13:47,168 --> 00:13:50,433 ♪ No, he can't read my poker face 318 00:13:53,168 --> 00:13:57,099 ♪ Poker face, poker face 319 00:13:57,168 --> 00:14:00,265 ♪ Poker face, poker face 320 00:14:02,867 --> 00:14:05,831 Are you still playing? You are. 321 00:14:05,900 --> 00:14:09,132 ...3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. 322 00:14:09,201 --> 00:14:13,066 ♪ I wanna roll with him a hard pair we will be 323 00:14:13,134 --> 00:14:17,099 ♪ A little gambling is fun when you're with me 324 00:14:17,167 --> 00:14:19,232 ♪ Russian roulette is not... ♪ 325 00:14:21,034 --> 00:14:24,266 Oh (BLEEP). 326 00:14:26,401 --> 00:14:28,432 Shut up! 327 00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:32,332 I just... No, no. I just wanna say I'm a really, really big fan of yours. I... 328 00:14:32,401 --> 00:14:35,631 Children of a Lesser God was amazing, you won an award, 329 00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:38,999 and your book was so candid and so courageous, 330 00:14:39,068 --> 00:14:41,765 and your work on The West Wing is incredible. 331 00:14:41,834 --> 00:14:43,999 (EXCLAIMING) Shut up! 332 00:14:44,068 --> 00:14:45,966 You're embarrassing yourself. 333 00:14:47,967 --> 00:14:50,832 You think it feels good being made fun of? 334 00:14:52,134 --> 00:14:55,132 Well, how about I do an impression of you? 335 00:14:56,167 --> 00:14:58,032 No, you... Okay, let me do it. 336 00:15:01,700 --> 00:15:05,599 I'm Alex. I'm an arrogant little whore. 337 00:15:05,734 --> 00:15:07,632 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 338 00:15:07,701 --> 00:15:10,732 All I do is not exercise, 339 00:15:12,501 --> 00:15:14,132 eat Oreos 340 00:15:16,401 --> 00:15:19,132 and complain that I'm not in more movies. 341 00:15:23,067 --> 00:15:25,466 Here's me walking down the street. 342 00:15:30,835 --> 00:15:33,065 Does that feel good? No. 343 00:15:33,134 --> 00:15:34,799 Huh? No, it doesn't, Miss Matlin. 344 00:15:34,868 --> 00:15:36,165 Does it? No. 345 00:15:36,234 --> 00:15:37,732 No, it doesn't! 346 00:15:37,801 --> 00:15:38,865 No. 347 00:15:41,034 --> 00:15:42,165 (SIGHS) 348 00:15:42,234 --> 00:15:46,332 You know, you've made fun of me more than twice. 349 00:15:46,401 --> 00:15:48,432 Twice. On Family Guy. 350 00:15:49,635 --> 00:15:52,265 Did you ever think once 351 00:15:52,334 --> 00:15:55,932 of calling me and asking me to do my own voice? 352 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,165 No, no, I swear, Miss Matlin, we did, we called. 353 00:15:58,234 --> 00:16:00,966 But the phone just rang and rang and... 354 00:16:01,034 --> 00:16:02,798 (ALL LAUGHING) 355 00:16:03,900 --> 00:16:04,898 (MOUTHING) 356 00:16:09,034 --> 00:16:11,065 You want to learn some sign language? 357 00:16:11,134 --> 00:16:12,766 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah? 358 00:16:13,501 --> 00:16:15,098 (BLEEP) 359 00:16:15,167 --> 00:16:16,465 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 360 00:16:26,667 --> 00:16:28,999 You know, before we get too far into this, 361 00:16:29,067 --> 00:16:31,466 I gotta say, it's very nice to see you behind the microphone again. 362 00:16:31,534 --> 00:16:33,399 Well, thank you very much, Seth. 363 00:16:33,468 --> 00:16:35,299 Alex... Actually, you might not know this, Alex used to do stand-up. 364 00:16:35,368 --> 00:16:36,932 Well, more like storytelling. 365 00:16:37,001 --> 00:16:38,832 And you used to do... (LAUGHING) 366 00:16:38,901 --> 00:16:40,966 You used to do this bit which I would love for you to do right now. 367 00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:42,565 Which one? You know the one I'm talking about. 368 00:16:42,634 --> 00:16:44,299 I don't. That thing where you tell a joke 369 00:16:44,368 --> 00:16:45,799 that only a rapist can hear. 370 00:16:45,868 --> 00:16:47,632 Okay. 371 00:16:47,701 --> 00:16:49,232 All right, here you go. It goes like this. Yeah, yeah. 372 00:16:49,301 --> 00:16:51,299 (MOUTHING) 373 00:16:51,368 --> 00:16:52,699 (LAUGHING) 374 00:16:54,001 --> 00:16:55,765 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 375 00:17:06,334 --> 00:17:08,965 You know, when Family Guy returned from cancellation many moons ago, 376 00:17:09,034 --> 00:17:10,800 we began the season with Peter Griffin 377 00:17:10,868 --> 00:17:12,800 reciting a list of all the Fox shows 378 00:17:12,868 --> 00:17:14,733 that had been canceled since we were, 379 00:17:14,802 --> 00:17:16,866 if you remember that, and there were quite a lot of them. 380 00:17:16,934 --> 00:17:20,199 Yes, no one succeeds at failure better than Fox. 381 00:17:20,268 --> 00:17:21,998 So here's some clips 382 00:17:22,067 --> 00:17:24,533 from a few pilots that actually never even made to the air. 383 00:17:24,601 --> 00:17:26,099 Let's take a look. 384 00:17:26,168 --> 00:17:29,332 (SIREN WAILING) 385 00:17:29,401 --> 00:17:30,432 I'm not going in there. 386 00:17:30,501 --> 00:17:31,665 Well, I'm not either. 387 00:17:31,734 --> 00:17:33,165 But there's a drug dealer in there. 388 00:17:33,234 --> 00:17:35,099 I know, but what if he's got a cat? 389 00:17:35,167 --> 00:17:36,399 Oh, God. 390 00:17:36,468 --> 00:17:38,765 I'm gonna be all sniffles while I'm shooting. 391 00:17:38,834 --> 00:17:41,132 'Cause you know, it's not the fur. It's the dander. 392 00:17:41,201 --> 00:17:42,799 We're in the wrong profession. 393 00:17:42,867 --> 00:17:45,132 On the way back, let's not go the way with the toll. 394 00:17:45,201 --> 00:17:46,399 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 395 00:17:49,601 --> 00:17:53,631 Here's the main title sequence from a failed Fox western pilot. 396 00:17:53,700 --> 00:17:57,232 And I think part of the problem might be the theme song itself. 397 00:17:57,301 --> 00:18:00,433 Take a look at this. These lyrics don't seem to make a lot of sense. 398 00:18:04,901 --> 00:18:07,365 MAN: ♪ There was a man who shot the man 399 00:18:07,434 --> 00:18:10,865 ♪ who was a man who shot the man Cal Johnson 400 00:18:12,234 --> 00:18:14,532 CHORUS: ♪ Cal Johnson 401 00:18:14,601 --> 00:18:16,932 MAN: ♪ He wore a hat, his favorite hat 402 00:18:17,001 --> 00:18:20,966 ♪ He loved that hat, he hated hats Cal Johnson 403 00:18:21,801 --> 00:18:24,132 CHORUS: ♪ Cal Johnson 404 00:18:24,201 --> 00:18:29,132 MAN: ♪ He was a dad to zero kids and yet he fathered five 405 00:18:29,201 --> 00:18:33,765 ♪ He got shot dead a year ago and yet he's still alive 406 00:18:33,834 --> 00:18:38,699 ♪ He's rich beyond his wildest dreams yet never had a dime 407 00:18:38,767 --> 00:18:43,499 ♪ A lawman to the very end he led a life of crime 408 00:18:43,568 --> 00:18:48,132 ♪ In all his years of life on Earth he never fired a gun 409 00:18:48,201 --> 00:18:52,899 ♪ Yet when it came to Chinese men he shot down every one 410 00:18:52,968 --> 00:18:57,765 ♪ He had a horse named Bandit and the horse's name was Clyde 411 00:18:57,834 --> 00:19:04,799 ♪ Cal Johnson was born the day he died ♪ 412 00:19:04,868 --> 00:19:06,898 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 413 00:19:06,967 --> 00:19:09,232 Yeah. 414 00:19:09,301 --> 00:19:13,433 Patrick Warburton as Cal Johnson. We... Yeah. 415 00:19:15,734 --> 00:19:17,965 So here's the deal. We have a slight problem. 416 00:19:18,034 --> 00:19:21,099 Our time's almost up and we kind of promised the network 417 00:19:21,168 --> 00:19:24,365 that in exchange for getting to do this little show and play 418 00:19:24,434 --> 00:19:28,399 that we would really promote the heck out of The Cleveland Show. 419 00:19:28,467 --> 00:19:30,998 But we haven't done it. All we've done is sing songs and cuss a lot. 420 00:19:31,067 --> 00:19:33,533 Yeah. So how about this? 421 00:19:33,601 --> 00:19:35,800 As long as we're swearing so much, 422 00:19:35,867 --> 00:19:38,399 let's play a little game that might help promote the show. 423 00:19:38,468 --> 00:19:40,898 Every time we curse or use a bad word, 424 00:19:40,967 --> 00:19:42,832 instead of a bleep you'll hear this. 425 00:19:42,900 --> 00:19:45,399 AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland. 426 00:19:45,467 --> 00:19:49,032 Hmm. Interesting. So, like, if I wanna refer to my genitalia, 427 00:19:49,101 --> 00:19:50,232 instead I'd say... 428 00:19:50,301 --> 00:19:52,299 AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland. 429 00:19:52,367 --> 00:19:55,799 Right. Or, instead of saying, "erotic gratification" or something like that, 430 00:19:55,867 --> 00:19:59,266 I'd say, "Last night I watched Law & Order SVU 431 00:19:59,334 --> 00:20:00,599 "until I... AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland. 432 00:20:00,668 --> 00:20:01,766 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 433 00:20:01,834 --> 00:20:03,599 So I can say, "Hey, Seth, 434 00:20:03,668 --> 00:20:04,899 "you've got a really small..." AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland. 435 00:20:04,968 --> 00:20:06,433 Or I could say, "Gosh, Alex, 436 00:20:06,501 --> 00:20:08,466 "last night you gave me a really low-energy..." 437 00:20:08,535 --> 00:20:10,666 AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland. 438 00:20:10,734 --> 00:20:12,699 I think I understand. Let me see. 439 00:20:12,768 --> 00:20:14,966 So I could say, "Hey, I just spent all day at yoga 440 00:20:15,034 --> 00:20:16,299 "and my..." AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland. 441 00:20:16,368 --> 00:20:18,666 "...smells like a Moroccan village." 442 00:20:18,734 --> 00:20:20,965 You could definitely say that. 443 00:20:21,034 --> 00:20:22,798 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 444 00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:28,399 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 445 00:20:30,134 --> 00:20:32,265 Doesn't bother me. I take care of myself, I do yoga. 446 00:20:32,334 --> 00:20:34,199 (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) 447 00:20:34,267 --> 00:20:36,799 And if that's a byproduct, so be it. 448 00:20:38,234 --> 00:20:39,799 Okay, wait. So I could say also, like, 449 00:20:39,868 --> 00:20:43,433 "If you were a South African hermaphrodite runner, 450 00:20:43,501 --> 00:20:45,266 "you very well could have a... AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland. 451 00:20:45,335 --> 00:20:46,965 ...and... Cleveland. 452 00:20:47,034 --> 00:20:49,365 Ooh. Exotic. 453 00:20:49,434 --> 00:20:51,232 And if you were flexible, 454 00:20:51,301 --> 00:20:52,632 you could curl your... Cleveland. 455 00:20:52,701 --> 00:20:54,465 ...around your... Cleveland. 456 00:20:54,534 --> 00:20:55,932 ...wash it off, and then start in on your... Cleveland. 457 00:20:56,001 --> 00:20:57,666 ...your... Cleveland. 458 00:20:57,734 --> 00:20:59,632 ...got your two hands free to just... Cleveland. 459 00:20:59,701 --> 00:21:00,399 ...to...till they...on your... Cleveland. Cleveland. Cleveland. 460 00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:02,499 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 461 00:21:02,568 --> 00:21:04,099 Okay, are we done? 'Cause I am about to 462 00:21:04,168 --> 00:21:06,566 ...my... Cleveland. Cleveland. 463 00:21:06,635 --> 00:21:07,998 You can do that? 464 00:21:08,067 --> 00:21:10,132 Yeah, if I'm sitting on a hard bench or something. 465 00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:11,965 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 466 00:21:15,201 --> 00:21:17,899 All right. Well, folks, we hope you enjoyed our show. 467 00:21:17,968 --> 00:21:20,899 We really do and we wanna thank our fans both here in the audience and at home. 468 00:21:20,968 --> 00:21:23,166 We know that without you, we would not have any of this. 469 00:21:23,234 --> 00:21:25,899 (ALL CHEERING) 470 00:21:25,968 --> 00:21:29,765 Ladies and gentlemen, my beautiful TV wife, Alex Borstein. 471 00:21:29,833 --> 00:21:31,566 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 472 00:21:33,468 --> 00:21:35,433 And now, we'll say good night to you 473 00:21:35,501 --> 00:21:38,865 with a few of your favorite Family Guy tunes. Walter. 474 00:21:42,634 --> 00:21:44,332 ♪ Now a woman who'll kiss on the very first date 475 00:21:44,401 --> 00:21:46,065 ♪ Is usually a hussy 476 00:21:46,134 --> 00:21:47,932 ♪ And a woman who'll kiss on the second time out 477 00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:49,600 ♪ Is anything but fussy 478 00:21:49,668 --> 00:21:51,599 ♪ But a woman who'll wait till the third time around 479 00:21:51,667 --> 00:21:53,365 ♪ Head in the clouds, feet on the ground 480 00:21:53,434 --> 00:21:56,699 ♪ She's the girl he's glad he's found She's his Shipoopi 481 00:21:56,768 --> 00:21:59,298 ♪ Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi 482 00:21:59,367 --> 00:22:01,099 ALL: ♪ The girl who's hard to get 483 00:22:01,167 --> 00:22:03,699 ♪ Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi 484 00:22:03,767 --> 00:22:05,432 CHEERLEADERS: ♪ But you can win her yet ♪ 485 00:22:05,501 --> 00:22:07,532 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 486 00:22:10,501 --> 00:22:13,665 ♪ She packed my bags last night pre-flight. 487 00:22:15,468 --> 00:22:17,699 Zero hour, 9:00 a.m. 488 00:22:17,767 --> 00:22:19,599 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 489 00:22:22,067 --> 00:22:29,532 ♪ And I'm gonna be high As a kite by then 490 00:22:29,601 --> 00:22:31,632 All right, Walter, take this and jam it 491 00:22:31,701 --> 00:22:34,599 right down my trousers, my friend. 492 00:22:34,667 --> 00:22:37,932 ♪ And I think it's gonna be a long, long, time 493 00:22:38,001 --> 00:22:40,765 ♪ Till touchdown brings me round again to find 494 00:22:40,834 --> 00:22:43,900 ♪ I'm not the man they think I am at home 495 00:22:43,967 --> 00:22:46,499 ♪ Oh, no, no, no 496 00:22:46,568 --> 00:22:49,965 ♪ I'm a rocket man 497 00:22:50,033 --> 00:22:54,999 ♪ Rocket man burning off his fuse out here alone ♪ 498 00:22:56,568 --> 00:22:59,732 Ooh! Yes. Yes. 499 00:22:59,801 --> 00:23:03,832 I'm musically stimulated in a way that you can't put on TV. 500 00:23:03,901 --> 00:23:05,032 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 501 00:23:05,101 --> 00:23:07,633 (SURFIN' BIRD PLAYING) 502 00:23:07,702 --> 00:23:11,333 Oh, my God, this is Surfin' Bird by The Trashmen. 503 00:23:11,401 --> 00:23:13,666 This is my favorite song of all time! 504 00:23:13,735 --> 00:23:16,098 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word 505 00:23:16,167 --> 00:23:18,566 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word 506 00:23:18,635 --> 00:23:20,865 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word 507 00:23:20,933 --> 00:23:23,232 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word 508 00:23:23,301 --> 00:23:25,632 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word 509 00:23:25,700 --> 00:23:28,032 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word 510 00:23:28,100 --> 00:23:30,499 ♪ A-well-a, don't you know about the bird? 511 00:23:30,568 --> 00:23:32,899 ♪ Yeah, everybody's heard that the bird's the word 512 00:23:32,967 --> 00:23:35,165 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word 513 00:23:35,234 --> 00:23:37,532 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word 514 00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:40,032 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word 515 00:23:40,100 --> 00:23:42,465 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word 516 00:23:42,534 --> 00:23:44,765 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word 517 00:23:44,834 --> 00:23:47,198 ♪ A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word 518 00:23:47,267 --> 00:23:49,466 ♪ A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word 519 00:23:49,534 --> 00:23:51,865 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word 520 00:23:51,934 --> 00:23:54,332 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word 521 00:23:54,401 --> 00:23:56,598 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word 522 00:23:56,667 --> 00:23:58,999 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word 523 00:23:59,067 --> 00:24:00,565 ♪ A-well-a, bird, bird, bird ♪ 48707

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