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1
00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:04,334
[Cheery instrumental music]
2
00:00:11,300 --> 00:00:14,270
Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes
in Greg's jacket.
3
00:00:15,043 --> 00:00:17,273
-Greg, were you smoking cigarettes?
-No, Dad.
4
00:00:17,379 --> 00:00:19,279
Well, he's lying. There's no doubt about that.
5
00:00:19,175 --> 00:00:22,543
Greg, I'm afraid your punishment
will be four hours in the snakepit.
6
00:00:22,538 --> 00:00:24,268
Maybe that'll give you some time to think about
what you've done.
7
00:00:24,567 --> 00:00:25,762
Aw man!
8
00:00:26,089 --> 00:00:27,056
That'll teach him.
9
00:00:27,156 --> 00:00:29,887
And Jan, I'm afraid you've earned
a day in the fire chamber...
10
00:00:29,993 --> 00:00:31,654
...for tattling on your brother.
11
00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:37,065
Ah smoking. How does
a boy like that go so wrong?
12
00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:39,762
-Well they live in a crummy neighborhood.
-The Bradys?
13
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:43,231
Ah hell yeah. They got robbers, thugs,
drug dealers. Ah you name it.
14
00:00:43,231 --> 00:00:44,699
You folks want some pancakes?
15
00:00:44,699 --> 00:00:48,135
PETER: No, thanks. See, that's the worst
we got is Jemima's Witnesses.
16
00:00:48,700 --> 00:00:50,828
[Cheery instrumental music]
17
00:00:57,300 --> 00:01:00,292
Excellent! The mind-control device
is nearing completion!
18
00:01:00,300 --> 00:01:03,300
LOIS: Stewie, I said no toys at the table.
19
00:01:03,552 --> 00:01:04,747
Damn you, vile woman!
20
00:01:04,747 --> 00:01:08,115
You've impeded my work since the day
I escaped from your wretched womb.
21
00:01:08,139 --> 00:01:12,639
I remember when Stewie was born.
He was the only baby I've ever seen
that came out smiling.
22
00:01:12,966 --> 00:01:17,062
But, of course. That was my victory day.
The fruition of my deeply-laid plans...
23
00:01:17,086 --> 00:01:21,284
...to escape from that cursed ovarian
bastille! Return the device, woman!
24
00:01:21,308 --> 00:01:22,833
No toys, Stewie.
25
00:01:22,943 --> 00:01:23,910
Very well, then.
26
00:01:24,011 --> 00:01:28,948
Mark my words, when you least expect it,
your uppance will come!
27
00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:34,737
Kids, I just don't like the idea
of your father going to a stag party tonight.
28
00:01:34,992 --> 00:01:39,929
Relax mom. It's just a bunch of guys sitting around
with a black marker and a checklist of the ten commandments.
29
00:01:40,131 --> 00:01:42,631
Thou shalt get drunk. Yeah!
30
00:01:42,893 --> 00:01:45,393
Chris, you're thirteen. Don't talk like that.
31
00:01:45,601 --> 00:01:46,966
Mom, it's kind of cold in here.
32
00:01:47,391 --> 00:01:50,891
Now don't touch the thermostat, Meg.
Your father gets upset.
33
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Oh come on. This thing goes up to 90.
34
00:01:54,110 --> 00:01:55,043
Who touched the thermostat?
35
00:01:55,043 --> 00:01:56,743
Man, how does he always know?
36
00:01:57,212 --> 00:01:59,408
Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one.
37
00:01:59,866 --> 00:02:01,766
Tells you when the kids mess with the dial.
38
00:02:01,766 --> 00:02:03,734
GUY: Hey Peter, my thing went off!
Your thermostat okay?
39
00:02:03,734 --> 00:02:06,634
-Yeah, it's all right.
-Hey is my kid over here?
40
00:02:06,427 --> 00:02:07,485
Forget it! False alarm!
41
00:02:08,515 --> 00:02:09,515
BRIAN: Woah ass ahoy.
42
00:02:09,881 --> 00:02:11,881
Say when you leaving for the party Peter?
43
00:02:11,831 --> 00:02:12,831
In about 15 minutes.
44
00:02:13,156 --> 00:02:15,747
Peter, promise me you won't drink.
45
00:02:15,747 --> 00:02:17,747
Lois honey, alcohol doesn't affect me.
46
00:02:17,911 --> 00:02:21,575
Remember when you got drunk
off the Communion wine at church?
47
00:02:21,977 --> 00:02:24,947
And so the Lord God smote poor Job...
48
00:02:24,870 --> 00:02:27,202
...with festering boils all over his body.
49
00:02:27,395 --> 00:02:29,444
Oh god, I hate it when he tells this story.
50
00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:32,604
PRIEST: Yet, miraculously,
Job was still able to retain his dignity.
51
00:02:32,866 --> 00:02:36,097
And remember you had an Irish coffee
the day we went to see Philadelphia?
52
00:02:35,965 --> 00:02:37,831
[Audience crying]
53
00:02:40,995 --> 00:02:44,556
I got it. That's the guy from Big.
Tom Hanks, that's it.
54
00:02:44,623 --> 00:02:47,558
Ah funny guy, Tom Hanks.
Anything he says is a stitch.
55
00:02:47,986 --> 00:02:48,786
I have AIDS.
56
00:02:50,134 --> 00:02:52,831
And then there was that time
at the ice cream store.
57
00:02:53,097 --> 00:02:55,395
Ah Rum Raisin's my favorite.
58
00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:00,098
-Promise me, Peter.
-Lois, I promise.
59
00:03:00,472 --> 00:03:03,305
Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch
these lips tonight.
60
00:03:03,726 --> 00:03:05,626
Hey who wants to play Drink The Beer.
61
00:03:05,541 --> 00:03:06,940
Right here.
62
00:03:07,329 --> 00:03:09,422
-You win.
-All right. What do I win?
63
00:03:09,518 --> 00:03:10,576
Another beer!
64
00:03:10,199 --> 00:03:11,758
Ah I'm going for the high score!
65
00:03:11,867 --> 00:03:14,097
Well, actually Charlie's got the high score.
66
00:03:14,203 --> 00:03:16,069
Hey man. Your clock won't flush.
67
00:03:17,172 --> 00:03:20,164
You know, I feel kind of bad, guys.
I promised my wife I wouldn't drink.
68
00:03:20,275 --> 00:03:23,176
-Aw don't feel bad, Peter.
-Oh Gee. I never thought of it like that.
69
00:03:23,412 --> 00:03:24,641
Hey did you bring the porno?
70
00:03:24,747 --> 00:03:29,377
Did I bring the porno?
What do you think I am? Some kind of Porno-Not-Bringer?
71
00:03:30,265 --> 00:03:32,265
But don't you have pizzas to deliver?
72
00:03:32,265 --> 00:03:34,265
Nah, let's get busy instead.
73
00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:37,221
Ah, he is going to get fired.
74
00:03:38,062 --> 00:03:40,258
NARRATOR:
The statue was a gift from France.
75
00:03:41,048 --> 00:03:42,209
What is this?
76
00:03:42,032 --> 00:03:44,831
Aw man. Chris must've taped
over this for his history class.
77
00:03:45,271 --> 00:03:47,797
The Statue of Liberty?
What are we gonna do?
78
00:03:47,906 --> 00:03:52,241
-Boys, boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot.
-Hey that's just crazy enough to work.
79
00:03:59,867 --> 00:04:01,900
Bacon's great mom. Where's the orange juce?
80
00:04:01,900 --> 00:04:03,458
Over there by the crotch.
81
00:04:03,275 --> 00:04:05,835
That's cool that dad slept in the kitchen.
82
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:11,360
Now kids, this is not a good example. Daddy only drank
so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.
83
00:04:11,384 --> 00:04:17,384
Peter I honestly don't believe you. You spent the night on the kitchen table and you're still drunk.
84
00:04:17,699 --> 00:04:19,699
I'm sorry honey. Are you mad?
85
00:04:19,723 --> 00:04:21,723
No I'm just very disa...
86
00:04:22,092 --> 00:04:23,558
MEG: Mom, are you all right?
87
00:04:23,561 --> 00:04:27,259
LOIS: My goodness.
This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly?
88
00:04:27,364 --> 00:04:29,355
I could've broken my neck.
89
00:04:29,533 --> 00:04:30,591
Damn!
90
00:04:30,701 --> 00:04:32,100
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
91
00:04:32,203 --> 00:04:35,003
Look honey, I'm late for work.
Can we talk about this when I get back?
92
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:38,662
Alright Peter but we haven't finished this conversation.
93
00:04:38,657 --> 00:04:41,319
Okay. Bye.
94
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:45,615
How are you coming, Johnson?
95
00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:48,051
Well Mr. Weed, I've been working
on the new G.I. Jew line.
96
00:04:48,155 --> 00:04:50,317
And as you can see, they look great.
97
00:04:50,424 --> 00:04:51,448
You call these bagels?
98
00:04:51,558 --> 00:04:53,856
Woah! I'm glad he's on our side!
99
00:04:54,595 --> 00:04:55,892
[Snoring]
100
00:04:56,464 --> 00:04:57,659
Peter are you sleeping on the job?
101
00:04:57,765 --> 00:04:59,928
What the? Oh hi Mr Weed.
102
00:04:59,973 --> 00:05:03,102
Peter, it's your job to watch for any toy products
that might be harmful to children.
103
00:05:03,209 --> 00:05:05,439
-Now, look sharp!
-Yes, sir!
104
00:05:07,046 --> 00:05:08,172
[Snoring]
105
00:05:11,651 --> 00:05:13,712
[Foreboding instrumental music]
106
00:05:14,290 --> 00:05:18,459
And now back to Channel 6 News.
Our top story tonight, "When Toys Attack."
107
00:05:18,461 --> 00:05:20,088
Quite a situation we've got here, Mike.
108
00:05:20,196 --> 00:05:22,563
Quite a situation we've got here, Mike,
indeed, Diane.
109
00:05:22,666 --> 00:05:27,567
It seems The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company
has released several highly unsafe
toy products into the retail market.
110
00:05:27,605 --> 00:05:29,699
Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball!
111
00:05:31,576 --> 00:05:33,601
Oh boy! A Pound Poochie!
112
00:05:34,813 --> 00:05:37,305
Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out.
113
00:05:41,284 --> 00:05:42,376
Peter, I'm appalled.
114
00:05:42,486 --> 00:05:45,319
Your negligence has damaged
this company's reputation.
115
00:05:45,150 --> 00:05:46,140
You're fired!
116
00:05:45,983 --> 00:05:47,178
Ah jeez. For how long?
117
00:05:47,858 --> 00:05:49,587
[Sad instrumental music]
118
00:05:49,293 --> 00:05:51,983
I don't believe it. Peter, you got fired?
119
00:05:52,495 --> 00:05:56,125
-Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine!
-How do you know about the machine?
120
00:05:56,149 --> 00:05:59,779
Peter you know this all because you drank at the stag party.
121
00:05:59,803 --> 00:06:02,603
I know Lois, honey, you were right, alcohol is trouble.
122
00:06:02,966 --> 00:06:05,790
Now I feel kind of gulity I ever gave Chris his first taste of beer.
123
00:06:05,790 --> 00:06:07,990
Yeah but you turned out okay didn't you pal?
124
00:06:08,146 --> 00:06:09,646
I'm going to go get wated.
125
00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:10,970
Okay. Look both ways.
126
00:06:10,994 --> 00:06:13,294
Peter, what are you going to about a job?
127
00:06:13,318 --> 00:06:16,618
You'll have to find something soon.
Now why don't you...
128
00:06:17,610 --> 00:06:19,476
What on earth was that?
129
00:06:22,598 --> 00:06:25,295
What the deuce are you staring at?
It's tuna fish...
130
00:06:25,701 --> 00:06:26,793
...and nothing else.
131
00:06:28,775 --> 00:06:31,375
This sucks Chris. I've got to find a way to get money.
132
00:06:31,191 --> 00:06:33,191
I've been through 2 jobs this week.
133
00:06:33,145 --> 00:06:34,670
I got fired off of that commercial.
134
00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:37,942
DIRECTOR: Try it again.
PETER: "I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs."
135
00:06:38,050 --> 00:06:39,779
DIRECTOR: No, damn it! Take 26!
136
00:06:39,914 --> 00:06:43,316
Then I had that job as the sneeze guard
for the salad bar at that restaurant.
137
00:06:45,825 --> 00:06:46,986
Take it outside, lady.
138
00:06:47,668 --> 00:06:49,762
And then I thought I could
win some money in that talent show.
139
00:06:50,295 --> 00:06:54,731
EMCEE: And the prize goes
to The van Trapp Family Singers!
140
00:06:54,731 --> 00:06:55,823
Aw that is bullshit.
141
00:06:56,762 --> 00:06:57,812
They're gone!
142
00:06:57,711 --> 00:06:58,803
Oh yes!
143
00:06:58,827 --> 00:07:01,919
Family Guy, coming to FOX.
11293
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