Original subtitles

[Cheery instrumental music]

Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket.

-Greg, were you smoking cigarettes? -No, Dad.

Well, he's lying. There's no doubt about that.

Greg, I'm afraid your punishment will be four hours in the snakepit.

Maybe that'll give you some time to think about what you've done.

Aw man!

That'll teach him.

And Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the fire chamber...

...for tattling on your brother.

Ah smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong?

-Well they live in a crummy neighborhood. -The Bradys?

Ah hell yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. Ah you name it.

You folks want some pancakes?

PETER: No, thanks. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's Witnesses.

[Cheery instrumental music]

Excellent! The mind-control device is nearing completion!

LOIS: Stewie, I said no toys at the table.

Damn you, vile woman!

You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

I remember when Stewie was born. He was the only baby I've ever seen that came out smiling.

But, of course. That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans...

...to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille! Return the device, woman!

No toys, Stewie.

Very well, then.

Mark my words, when you least expect it, your uppance will come!

Kids, I just don't like the idea of your father going to a stag party tonight.

Relax mom. It's just a bunch of guys sitting around with a black marker and a checklist of the ten commandments.

Thou shalt get drunk. Yeah!

Chris, you're thirteen. Don't talk like that.

Mom, it's kind of cold in here.

Now don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset.

Oh come on. This thing goes up to 90.

Who touched the thermostat?

Man, how does he always know?

Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one.

Tells you when the kids mess with the dial.

GUY: Hey Peter, my thing went off! Your thermostat okay?

-Yeah, it's all right. -Hey is my kid over here?

Forget it! False alarm!

BRIAN: Woah ass ahoy.

Say when you leaving for the party Peter?

In about 15 minutes.

Peter, promise me you won't drink.

Lois honey, alcohol doesn't affect me.

Remember when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church?

And so the Lord God smote poor Job...

...with festering boils all over his body.

Oh god, I hate it when he tells this story.

PRIEST: Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity.

And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?

[Audience crying]

I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it.

Ah funny guy, Tom Hanks. Anything he says is a stitch.

I have AIDS.

And then there was that time at the ice cream store.

Ah Rum Raisin's my favorite.

-Promise me, Peter. -Lois, I promise.

Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight.

Hey who wants to play Drink The Beer.

Right here.

-You win. -All right. What do I win?

Another beer!

Ah I'm going for the high score!

Well, actually Charlie's got the high score.

Hey man. Your clock won't flush.

You know, I feel kind of bad, guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink.

-Aw don't feel bad, Peter. -Oh Gee. I never thought of it like that.

Hey did you bring the porno?

Did I bring the porno? What do you think I am? Some kind of Porno-Not-Bringer?

But don't you have pizzas to deliver?

Nah, let's get busy instead.

Ah, he is going to get fired.

NARRATOR: The statue was a gift from France.

What is this?

Aw man. Chris must've taped over this for his history class.

The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do?

-Boys, boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot. -Hey that's just crazy enough to work.

Bacon's great mom. Where's the orange juce?

Over there by the crotch.

That's cool that dad slept in the kitchen.

Now kids, this is not a good example. Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.

Peter I honestly don't believe you. You spent the night on the kitchen table and you're still drunk.

I'm sorry honey. Are you mad?

No I'm just very disa...

MEG: Mom, are you all right?

LOIS: My goodness. This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly?

I could've broken my neck.

Damn!

[Suspenseful instrumental music]

Look honey, I'm late for work. Can we talk about this when I get back?

Alright Peter but we haven't finished this conversation.

Okay. Bye.

How are you coming, Johnson?

Well Mr. Weed, I've been working on the new G.I. Jew line.

And as you can see, they look great.

You call these bagels?

Woah! I'm glad he's on our side!

[Snoring]

Peter are you sleeping on the job?

What the? Oh hi Mr Weed.

Peter, it's your job to watch for any toy products that might be harmful to children.

-Now, look sharp! -Yes, sir!

[Snoring]

[Foreboding instrumental music]

And now back to Channel 6 News. Our top story tonight, "When Toys Attack."

Quite a situation we've got here, Mike.

Quite a situation we've got here, Mike, indeed, Diane.

It seems The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company has released several highly unsafe toy products into the retail market.

Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball!

Oh boy! A Pound Poochie!

Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out.

Peter, I'm appalled.

Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation.

You're fired!

Ah jeez. For how long?

[Sad instrumental music]

I don't believe it. Peter, you got fired?

-Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine! -How do you know about the machine?

Peter you know this all because you drank at the stag party.

I know Lois, honey, you were right, alcohol is trouble.

Now I feel kind of gulity I ever gave Chris his first taste of beer.

Yeah but you turned out okay didn't you pal?

I'm going to go get wated.

Okay. Look both ways.

Peter, what are you going to about a job?

You'll have to find something soon. Now why don't you...

What on earth was that?

What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish...

...and nothing else.

This sucks Chris. I've got to find a way to get money.

I've been through 2 jobs this week.

I got fired off of that commercial.

DIRECTOR: Try it again. PETER: "I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs."

DIRECTOR: No, damn it! Take 26!

Then I had that job as the sneeze guard for the salad bar at that restaurant.

Take it outside, lady.

And then I thought I could win some money in that talent show.

EMCEE: And the prize goes to The van Trapp Family Singers!

Aw that is bullshit.

They're gone!

Oh yes!

Family Guy, coming to FOX.