All language subtitles for Family Guy - S00E01 - Stewie Griffin The Untold Story_track4_[eng]

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,800 --> 00:00:06,930 [ Announcer ] LIVE FROM QUAHOG, RHODE ISLAND, THIS IS CHANNEL FIVE ACTION NEWS... 2 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:09,770 WITH TOM TUCKER, DIANE SIMMONS, 3 00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:14,670 AND BLACCU-WEATHER METEOROLOGIST, OLLIE WILLIAMS. 4 00:00:14,740 --> 00:00:17,710 GOOD EVENING, I'M TOM TUCKER. AND I'M DIANE SIMMONS. 5 00:00:17,780 --> 00:00:19,850 COULD WE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING BESIDES YOURSELF, DIANE? 6 00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:22,950 - EXCUSE ME? - GREAT. TONIGHT, IN THE NEWS, TWO LOCAL MEN ARRESTED... 7 00:00:23,020 --> 00:00:25,020 AS PART OF AN ILLEGAL STEROID RING. 8 00:00:25,090 --> 00:00:27,690 THESE CHARGES ARE FALSE. OUR MUSCLES ARE THE RESULT... 9 00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:31,160 OF HUNDREDS OF SQUAT-THRUSTS AND SOMERSAULTS DOWN ON THE HARD GROUND. 10 00:00:31,230 --> 00:00:35,760 STOP PUSHING! SAVE YOUR ROUGHNECK TACTICS FOR SACCO AND VANZETTI. 11 00:00:40,940 --> 00:00:43,300 HUP! HUP-HO! HUP! 12 00:00:43,370 --> 00:00:45,770 MEANWHILE, AUTHORITIES ACTING ON A TIP, 13 00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:48,640 SEARCHED THE MARSHLANDS NEAR THE FOX POINT HURRICANE BARRIER... 14 00:00:48,710 --> 00:00:50,940 FOR WHAT THEY BELIEVED TO BE THE REMAINS... 15 00:00:51,010 --> 00:00:53,010 OF REPUTED MOBSTER "BIG FAT" PAULY. 16 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:56,280 THE AUTHORITIES WERE DISAPPOINTED TO FIND NOT THE REMAINS OF "BIG FAT" PAULY, 17 00:00:56,350 --> 00:00:59,790 BUT, INSTEAD, THE REMAINS OF THE DAY, A BORING MERCHANT-IVORY FILM... 18 00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:03,560 - STARRING SIR ANTHONY HOPKINS. - HMM. FUNNY HOW THEY COULD'VE CONFUSED THAT. 19 00:01:03,630 --> 00:01:07,260 COMING UP, WHY YOUR NEXT TRIP TO THE SALAD BAR COULD BE YOUR LAST. 20 00:01:07,330 --> 00:01:10,060 BUT FIRST, WE GO LIVE TO THE QUAHOG PERFORMING ARTS CENTER... 21 00:01:10,130 --> 00:01:13,400 WHERE ASIAN CORRESPONDENT, TRICIA TAKANAWA IS DOWN AT THE RED CARPET. 22 00:01:15,470 --> 00:01:19,610 - [ Shutters Clicking ] - TOM, TONIGHT THE STARS ARE OUT... 23 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:23,180 FOR A SPECIAL SNEAK PREVIEW OF A STRAIGHT-TO-DVD FEATURE... 24 00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:27,210 THAT WILL SOON BE IN THE $3.99 BIN AT YOUR LOCAL CAR WASH. 25 00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:30,020 HERE COMES MAYOR ADAM WEST, HIMSELF. 26 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:33,590 MR. WEST, DO YOU HAVE ANY WORDS FOR OUR VIEWERS? 27 00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:38,320 BOX, TOASTER, ALUMINUM, MAPLE SYRUP-- NO, I TAKE THAT ONE BACK. 28 00:01:38,390 --> 00:01:41,560 I'M GONNA HOLD ON TO THAT ONE. THANK YOU, MAYOR WEST. 29 00:01:41,630 --> 00:01:46,870 OH, AND IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN, IT'S LOCAL FOLK LEGEND AND WARD OF THE STATE, 30 00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:50,100 QUAHOG'S OWN GREASED-UP DEAF GUY. 31 00:01:50,170 --> 00:01:54,110 DON'T JUDGE ME! I'M JUST DOIN' MY THING! SEE YOU IN THE THEATER. 32 00:01:54,180 --> 00:01:56,610 - [ Woman ] EVIL, OVER HERE! - [ Man ] HEY, EVIL MONKEY! 33 00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:58,880 [ Overlapping Shouts ] 34 00:01:58,950 --> 00:02:01,010 [ Cheering ] 35 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:04,820 AND HERE COME TWO POPULAR FAMILY GUY GUEST STARS, 36 00:02:04,890 --> 00:02:07,250 DREW BARRYMORE AND HER DATE. 37 00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:09,790 [ Cheering ] HEY, KOOL-AID! 38 00:02:09,860 --> 00:02:11,860 OH, YEAH! THINGS GOING WELL WITH DREW? 39 00:02:11,930 --> 00:02:14,090 OH, YEAH! 40 00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:17,960 WE HAVE SO MUCH FUN AND HE KEEPS MY TONGUE REALLY RED. 41 00:02:18,030 --> 00:02:20,100 SEE? 42 00:02:20,170 --> 00:02:22,270 ♪♪ [ Hip-hop ] 43 00:02:22,340 --> 00:02:26,570 HEY, THANK Y'ALL FOR COMING OUT. DON'T FORGET TO CHECK OUT MY CLOTHING LINE, C.C. BROWN, 44 00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:29,240 AVAILABLE AT MANY RETAIL OUTLETS. 45 00:02:29,310 --> 00:02:31,550 GOT Y'ALL IN HERE. 46 00:02:31,610 --> 00:02:36,380 AND HERE ARE THE STARS OF TONIGHT'S FILM, THE GRIFFIN FAMILY. 47 00:02:36,450 --> 00:02:38,690 WHOA! WHAT'S THIS, A PARTY? 48 00:02:38,750 --> 00:02:40,750 [ Chuckles ] HOW'D YOU ALL GET IN MY ROOM? 49 00:02:40,820 --> 00:02:43,490 [ Laughs ] HI, I'M BRIAN. 50 00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:46,230 UM, I RODE BACKWARDS IN THE LIMO, SO, 51 00:02:46,290 --> 00:02:48,930 UH, ACTUALLY, MY UNDERPANTS WERE GOING THE RIGHT WAY. 52 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:51,000 [ Giggles ] 53 00:02:51,070 --> 00:02:53,800 - STEWIE! STEWIE! GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK! - GOOD TO BE BACK. 54 00:02:53,870 --> 00:02:56,770 ESPECIALLY SINCE MY BRIEF FORAY INTO POLITICS DIDN'T WORK OUT. 55 00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:58,910 [ Cheering ] 56 00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:02,140 [ Shouts, Cheers ] 57 00:03:04,510 --> 00:03:08,650 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE GOT HIM! [ Cheering ] 58 00:03:11,620 --> 00:03:13,990 STEWIE, I'M FROM TV GUIDE. HOW DOES IT FEEL... 59 00:03:14,060 --> 00:03:16,120 TO BE THE YOUNGEST WORKING ACTOR IN HOLLYWOOD? 60 00:03:16,190 --> 00:03:19,790 WELL, IT FEELS ABOUT LIKE SEVEN FIGURES A YEAR, WHICH FEELS PRETTY GOOD. 61 00:03:19,860 --> 00:03:21,900 STEWIE! STEWIE! HI, I'M FROM THE L.A. TIMES. 62 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:24,260 CAN YOU TELL US, ARE YOU WORKING ON ANY NEW PROJECTS? 63 00:03:24,330 --> 00:03:26,400 WELL, YES. I JUST DID AN EPISODE OF ACCORDING TO JIM. 64 00:03:26,470 --> 00:03:28,400 I'M THE COMIC RELIEF. 65 00:03:28,470 --> 00:03:32,110 STEWIE, DO YOU KNOW IF FOX HAS ANY PLANS TO BRING BACK FUTURAMA? 66 00:03:32,170 --> 00:03:34,610 WHAT MAGAZINE ARE YOU FROM? ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY. 67 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:36,740 [ Gasping ] 68 00:03:36,810 --> 00:03:40,650 ♪ LA, LA, LA, LA FAMILY GUY ♪ 69 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,080 [ Slurring ] H-H-HEY, EVERYBODY! 70 00:03:43,150 --> 00:03:46,220 I AM SORRY. I AM SO SORRY. THERE WAS BOOZE IN THE CAR. [ Laughing ] 71 00:03:46,290 --> 00:03:48,290 I'M SORRY. [ Shouting ] 72 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:50,520 OH, GOD, LOIS! FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, TAKE IT EASY, WILL YA? 73 00:03:50,590 --> 00:03:54,430 WHEN I HEARD-- WHEN I HEARD... GOD. 74 00:03:54,500 --> 00:03:57,060 THAT WE WAS GONNA BE IN A MOVIE, I WAS LIKE, "FUCK YEAH!" 75 00:03:57,130 --> 00:03:59,770 ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S JUST TRY AND WALK STRAIGHT HERE. 76 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:01,840 JUST-- [ Grunts, Laughs ] 77 00:04:01,900 --> 00:04:03,840 LOIS, GET UP. OH, GOD. LOIS, GET UP. 78 00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:06,310 GET ON! I'M NOT GONNA GET ON. 79 00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:08,410 I AM NOT GON-- LOIS. LOIS. YOU GET UP. 80 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:10,740 PETER. WHAT? 81 00:04:10,810 --> 00:04:12,980 GET ON. SON OF A BITCH. 82 00:04:13,050 --> 00:04:15,720 I-I AM REALLY SORRY, EVERYBODY. [ Giggling ] 83 00:04:15,780 --> 00:04:17,780 [ Vomits ] OH, G-- OH! ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT? 84 00:04:17,850 --> 00:04:21,620 LET'S GET INSIDE. [ Grunts ] COME ON. OW! 85 00:04:21,690 --> 00:04:25,290 SO, MEG, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION? 86 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:28,330 [ Gasps ] OH, MY GOD. YOU TALKIN' TO ME? 87 00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:31,630 ARE YOU TALKIN' TO ME? [ Gasps ] OKAY. OKAY. 88 00:04:31,700 --> 00:04:36,440 WELL, I THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT IT, AND I-- AND HERE COMES DAVID BOWIE. 89 00:04:36,500 --> 00:04:39,770 DAVID, WHAT BRINGS YOU ALL THE WAY TO-- SHH! 90 00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:42,240 JUST YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH. 91 00:04:42,310 --> 00:04:45,050 OH, ME LOVE TO MEET ZIGGY STARDUST! 92 00:04:45,110 --> 00:04:48,350 I TAKE YOU HOME. I MAKE YOU FISH BOWEL SOUP. FISH BOWEL! 93 00:04:48,420 --> 00:04:52,350 THANK YOU, TRICIA, FOR SETTING YOUR PEOPLE BACK A THOUSAND YEARS. 94 00:04:52,420 --> 00:04:55,390 AND NOW WE'LL CUT INSIDE THE THEATER TO OUR HIDDEN CAMERAMAN, 95 00:04:55,460 --> 00:04:58,020 WHO'LL BE PROVIDING US WITH A BOOTLEG COPY OF THE MOVIE. 96 00:05:02,430 --> 00:05:04,960 [ Cameraman Blathering ] 97 00:05:11,610 --> 00:05:14,910 [ Announcer ] VINCE VAUGHN, SUSAN SARANDON... 98 00:05:14,980 --> 00:05:17,580 IN TWO PEOPLE WHO LOOK LIKE THEY NEVER SLEEP. 99 00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:19,750 HEY, MARY, HOW'D YOU SLEEP LAST NIGHT? 100 00:05:19,810 --> 00:05:22,550 UGH, I HAD PLENTY OF SLEEP. STOP ASKING ME THAT. 101 00:05:22,620 --> 00:05:24,620 WELL, YOU LOOK TIRED. WELL, SO DO YOU. 102 00:05:24,690 --> 00:05:26,220 FINE. YEAH. 103 00:05:34,930 --> 00:05:38,030 I'M A LITTLE BUNNY AND I'M SEPARATED FROM MY FAMILY. 104 00:05:38,100 --> 00:05:41,470 OH, NO. I HAVE A LONG JOURNEY TO GO ON. 105 00:05:41,540 --> 00:05:43,600 I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO IT ALONE. 106 00:05:43,670 --> 00:05:46,340 HEY, MR. BEAR, I NEED YOUR HELP. 107 00:05:46,410 --> 00:05:50,340 BUT I'M A LONER BEAR WHO DON'T LIKE TO BE BOTHERED BY OTHER FOLKS. 108 00:05:50,410 --> 00:05:53,680 [ Announcer ] A STORY OF FRIENDSHIP, WITH MUSIC BY RANDY NEWMAN. 109 00:05:53,750 --> 00:05:58,120 ♪ IT'S A STORY 'BOUT FRIENDSHIP WITH MUSIC BY ME ♪ 110 00:05:58,190 --> 00:06:00,750 ♪ 'BOUT A BEAR AND A BUNNY ♪ 111 00:06:00,820 --> 00:06:04,420 ♪ IN THE END THE BUNNY'S FAMILY DIES BUT THE BEAR BECOMES HIS NEW FAMILY ♪ 112 00:06:04,490 --> 00:06:06,760 ♪ SOMETHING LIKE THAT ♪ 113 00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:44,760 ♪♪ [ Orchestral ] 114 00:06:55,780 --> 00:06:59,780 ♪♪ [ Swing ] 115 00:08:34,110 --> 00:08:36,680 WHEE! 116 00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:40,650 MOM, LOOK! MOM! MOM! 117 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:44,650 MOM! MOM! MOM, LOOK AT ME! 118 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:48,220 LOOK AT ME! MOM! MOM! 119 00:08:48,290 --> 00:08:51,190 MOM! 120 00:08:52,660 --> 00:08:55,560 HOW WAS THAT? YOUR THIRD SOMERSAULT WAS A LITTLE SLOPPY. 121 00:08:55,630 --> 00:08:57,630 BUT WHAT DO I KNOW, HUH? 122 00:08:57,700 --> 00:09:00,470 IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I QUALIFIED FOR THE OLYMPICS. 123 00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:03,770 YOU WERE IN THE OLYMPICS? NO, I GOT PREGNANT WITH MEG AND COULDN'T GO. 124 00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:05,910 NOW I'M PRO-CHOICE. 125 00:09:08,380 --> 00:09:10,980 HEY! HEY, MEG. GO CROUCH DOWN BEHIND BRIAN. 126 00:09:11,050 --> 00:09:13,450 I'M GONNA PUSH HIM IN THE POOL. [ Laughs ] OKAY. 127 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:22,360 [ Both Groaning ] 128 00:09:22,420 --> 00:09:25,160 DAD! OW! DAMN IT! 129 00:09:25,230 --> 00:09:27,530 [ Both Groaning ] MEG, YOU DID IT WRONG! 130 00:09:29,860 --> 00:09:32,370 SEE YA LATER, HONEY. I GUESS I CAN'T GO SWIMMIN' FOR HALF AN HOUR. 131 00:09:32,430 --> 00:09:34,370 GIGGEDY-GIGGEDY-GIGGEDY-GOO! 132 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:37,840 HEY, STEWIE. HOW 'BOUT DADDY TEACHES YA HOW TO SWIM? 133 00:09:37,910 --> 00:09:40,940 GO... AWAY... FAT MAN. 134 00:09:41,010 --> 00:09:43,580 [ Yells ] WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? "NO" MEANS "NO"! 135 00:09:43,650 --> 00:09:45,710 [ Yells ] OKAY. HERE GOES. 136 00:09:45,780 --> 00:09:49,350 [ Yelling ] COME ON, STEWIE. IN... THE... POOL. 137 00:09:49,420 --> 00:09:53,790 NO! NO, I DON'T WANT TO DIE! I WANT TO LIVE! LIVE! 138 00:09:53,860 --> 00:09:56,990 PETER, STOP IT. HE'S NEVER GONNA LEARN LIKE THAT. 139 00:09:57,060 --> 00:09:59,260 MAYBE THIS SUMMER HE SHOULD TAKE SWIM LESSONS. 140 00:09:59,330 --> 00:10:01,360 WOULD YA LIKE THAT, STEWIE? HMM. 141 00:10:01,430 --> 00:10:04,130 WELL, I GUESS IT COULDN'T BE WORSE THAN THAT SUMMER I SPENT IN INDIA. 142 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:06,500 WHATEVER YOU DO, SHORT-ROUND, DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING. 143 00:10:06,570 --> 00:10:09,400 [ Mock Asian Accent ] OKAY, DR. JONES, I NO TOUCH ANYTHING. 144 00:10:10,810 --> 00:10:15,140 - INDY! - LADY ONLY HERE 'CAUSE SHE HUMPING DIRECTOR. 145 00:10:18,110 --> 00:10:21,250 WHOA. LOOK AT THIS PLACE. WHAT HAPPENED TO SAL'S VIDEO? 146 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:24,220 WE BOUGHT THEM OUT TWO WEEKS AGO. WELCOME TO LACKLUSTER VIDEO. 147 00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:26,420 50,000 STORES NATIONWIDE. 148 00:10:26,490 --> 00:10:29,420 YEAH, WELL, UH, YOU KNOW, I USED TO COME INTO SAL'S ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK... 149 00:10:29,490 --> 00:10:32,830 TO RENT MOVIES FROM HIS, UH... BACK ROOM. 150 00:10:32,890 --> 00:10:36,330 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ROOM FOR, UH, ADULTS ONLY. 151 00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:40,130 CATCH MY DRIFT? THE, UH, KIND OF MOVIES WHERE THERE ARE X-RATED PORNOS... 152 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:43,370 AND FULLY-NUDE PEOPLE FORNICATE FOR THE CAMERA AND STUFF COMES OUT. 153 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:45,640 GET MY MEANING? OH, I'M SORRY, BUT LACKLUSTER VIDEO... 154 00:10:45,710 --> 00:10:48,170 TAKES A STRONG MORAL STANCE AGAINST PORNOGRAPHY, 155 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:50,280 OPEN-MINDEDNESS AND NON-CHRISTIANS. 156 00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:53,250 OH, YEAH? THEN WHY DO YOU RENT PRINCE OF TIDES? BARBRA STREISAND IS JEWISH. 157 00:10:53,310 --> 00:10:55,380 WE EDIT SOME OF OUR MOVIES. 158 00:10:55,450 --> 00:10:57,480 I THINK I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU, DOCTOR. 159 00:10:57,550 --> 00:11:01,790 NO, TOM, YOU'RE WRONG. YOU DON'T LOVE ME. YOU LOVE THE IDEA OF ME. 160 00:11:01,860 --> 00:11:04,660 HI, I'M TOM TUCKER. DO ME A FAVOR AND FILL THIS BAG... 161 00:11:04,730 --> 00:11:08,800 WITH MOTION PICTURES FEATURING WOMEN-ON-WOMEN OR ANYTHING WITH AN AMPUTEE. 162 00:11:08,860 --> 00:11:13,070 SAVE YOUR MONEY, TUCKER. THIS PLACE DOESN'T HAVE PORN. THEY THINK IT'S IMMORAL. 163 00:11:13,130 --> 00:11:15,130 YOU KNOW, THAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS. 164 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:18,670 WHERE IN THE BIBLE DOES IT SAY A MAN CAN'T FIRE OFF SOME KNUCKLE-CHILDREN... 165 00:11:18,740 --> 00:11:21,410 IN THE PRIVACY OF HIS OWN NEIGHBOR'S LIVING ROOM, WHILE HIS NEIGHBOR IS AT WORK... 166 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:23,680 BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A DVD PLAYER? 167 00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:26,510 I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT SAYS IT BECAUSE THE BIBLE IS WAY TOO LONG TO READ. 168 00:11:26,580 --> 00:11:28,580 HEY, THAT WAS QUITE A RANT THERE. 169 00:11:28,650 --> 00:11:31,990 YOU KNOW, WE'RE LOOKING FOR AN EVERYMAN TO RANT ABOUT PETTY, NONSENSICAL IRRITANTS... 170 00:11:32,050 --> 00:11:34,120 TO REPLACE OUR "SPOTLIGHT ON THE MIDDLE EAST" SEGMENT. 171 00:11:34,190 --> 00:11:36,190 HEY! I'D BE GREAT AT THAT! 172 00:11:36,260 --> 00:11:39,530 I'VE BEEN DYING TO GET BACK ON TELEVISION EVER SINCE I STOPPED HOSTING FAMILY FEUD. 173 00:11:39,590 --> 00:11:43,260 HOW ARE YOU, BETSY? WELCOME TO THE SHOW. YOU ARE A LOVELY YOUNG WOMAN. 174 00:11:43,330 --> 00:11:46,330 STICK MY HAND UP THERE AND FEEL THAT ONE. [ Gasps ] 175 00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:48,500 AND THAT ONE. 176 00:11:48,570 --> 00:11:51,040 WE'RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHIN' YOU SHOP FOR AT THE MALL. THREE SECONDS. 177 00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:58,780 COME ON, STEWIE. DON'T BE AFRAID. 178 00:11:58,850 --> 00:12:00,980 IT'S JUST WATER. IT'S NOT GONNA BITE. 179 00:12:01,050 --> 00:12:03,820 SHUT UP! I KNOW IT'S NOT GOING TO BITE, STUPID. 180 00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:07,650 WHAT A STUPID THING TO SAY. YOU DROWN IN IT, YOU MORON. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BITE YOU. 181 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:11,190 HEY, LITTLE GUY. TAKE A LOOK AT BRAD OVER THERE. HE'S MY STAR PUPIL. 182 00:12:11,260 --> 00:12:14,160 - SEE HOW BRAVE HE IS? - [ Scoffs ] HE'S NOT BRAVE. 183 00:12:14,230 --> 00:12:16,300 I'LL TELL YOU WHO WAS BRAVE-- GANDHI. 184 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:19,370 AND THE BLACK PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS LIKE, "HEY, BITCH." 185 00:12:19,430 --> 00:12:23,340 AND THE INDIAN PEOPLE, WE DO NOT CALL OUR WOMEN IN SUCH A WAY. 186 00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:25,470 [ Man ] BOO! YOU SUCK! 187 00:12:25,540 --> 00:12:28,370 OKAY, PARENTS. NEXT WEEK'S THE TODDLER'S SWIM MEET. 188 00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:30,780 IT'S GONNA BE A LOT OF FUN! 189 00:12:32,180 --> 00:12:34,810 YOU KNOW, THAT IS A REMARKABLE RESEMBLANCE, BRAD. 190 00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:39,020 YOU, ON YOUR BACK, IN THE WATER-- YOU LOOK LIKE ONE OF MY STOOLS! 191 00:12:43,020 --> 00:12:46,930 SO, IS IT JUST POOL WATER THAT TURNS YOU INTO A SNIVELING GIRL, OR IS IT ALL WATER? 192 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,700 MOM! BRIAN'S ASKING ME IF IT'S JUST POOL WATER THAT TURNS ME... 193 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:51,830 INTO A SNIVELING GIRL OR IF IT'S ALL WATER! 194 00:12:51,900 --> 00:12:56,240 I HEARD THAT OLYMPIC SWIMMERS SHAVE ALL THE HAIR OFF THEIR HEAD AND THEIR PRIVATE AREAS... 195 00:12:56,300 --> 00:12:58,270 TO MAKE 'EM MOVE FASTER. 196 00:12:58,340 --> 00:13:00,310 I DON'T NEED SOME STUPID GIMMICK. 197 00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:05,150 SOON AS I IMPROVE MY TECHNIQUE, I'LL OUTSWIM BRAD AS EASILY AS I TOOK CARE OF THAT OTHER BOY. 198 00:13:05,210 --> 00:13:08,880 - CASPER, GO LONG! - [ Tires Screeching ] 199 00:13:08,950 --> 00:13:12,150 - [ Crash ] - OOH, SORRY ABOUT THAT, MAN. 200 00:13:12,220 --> 00:13:14,150 ARE YOU DEAD? YEAH, WHATEVER. 201 00:13:14,220 --> 00:13:16,220 I WAS GONNA OFF MYSELF ON TUESDAY ANYWAY. 202 00:13:16,290 --> 00:13:19,390 HEY, PETER, SHOULDN'T YOU BE GETTING READY FOR YOUR FIRST NEWS SEGMENT? 203 00:13:19,460 --> 00:13:22,730 YEAH. I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS, THOUGH. I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO TALK ABOUT. 204 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:26,170 YOU COULD TALK ABOUT ME. OKAY, HONEY. I'LL TALK ABOUT YOU. 205 00:13:26,230 --> 00:13:30,400 [ Laughs ] "HEY, I'M MEG. I GO TO SCHOOL. I WEAR GLASSES." 206 00:13:30,470 --> 00:13:34,170 [ All Laughing ] 207 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:36,610 - SPOT ON. SPOT ON. - [ Laughs Sheepishly ] 208 00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:39,580 OH, PETER, YOU'LL BE GREAT. YOU'RE A NATURAL. 209 00:13:39,650 --> 00:13:42,410 I ALWAYS SAID THEY NEVER SHOULD HAVE REPLACED YOU ON ROSEANNE. 210 00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:44,580 HEY, ROSIE, HAVE YOU SEEN DARLENE? 211 00:13:44,650 --> 00:13:50,020 [ Slurring Words ] 212 00:13:50,090 --> 00:13:52,490 ...AND JUNK. 213 00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:57,400 UH, I-I DON'T, UH-- I CAN'T, UH-- WHAT? 214 00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:03,170 IN OTHER NEWS, AFTER SEVERAL GRUELING DAYS OF FRIGHTENING UNCERTAINTY, 215 00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:06,770 I FINALLY GET MY PERIOD. WELL, DIANE, I'M SURE YOU AND YOUR BROTHER... 216 00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:10,040 MUST BE DEVASTATED BY THE LOSS OF THE TWO-HEADED OFFSPRING THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN. 217 00:14:10,110 --> 00:14:14,080 WE NOW GO TO PETER GRIFFIN FOR "YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS?" 218 00:14:14,150 --> 00:14:17,220 THANKS, TOM. YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS? 219 00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:20,650 NOBODY'S COME UP WITH A NEW PRIEST-AND-RABBI JOKE IN, LIKE, 30 YEARS. 220 00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:22,860 YOU KNOW? I MEAN, OKAY. UM, UM-- 221 00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,820 A PRIEST AND RABBI GO INTO THE SUPERMARKET AND, UH, THE PRIEST... 222 00:14:25,890 --> 00:14:28,130 WANTS TO BUY A HAM AND THE RABBI SAYS, 223 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,200 "UH, I CAN'T EAT IT. IT'S FORBIDDEN. 224 00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:32,470 COULDN'T EAT IT. NOT ALLOWED." 225 00:14:32,530 --> 00:14:35,030 PIGS ARE LIKE SUPERHEROES TO THEM. IS IT PERFECT? NO. 226 00:14:35,100 --> 00:14:37,370 I-I DON'T SEE YOU COMIN' UP WITH ANYTHING. 227 00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:39,610 AND THAT, PEOPLE, IS WHAT GRINDS MY GEARS. TOM. 228 00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:43,680 COME ON. YOU GONNA BE ALL DAY? 229 00:14:43,740 --> 00:14:46,510 [ Stewie ] I'M BRUSHING MY TEETH. YOU ONLY HAVE, LIKE, TWO. 230 00:14:46,580 --> 00:14:49,720 - I MEAN, HOW LONG COULD-- OH, GOD! - OH. HEY. 231 00:14:49,780 --> 00:14:52,950 UH... WOW. 232 00:14:53,020 --> 00:14:56,120 [ Chuckles Nervously ] YOU... DOIN' A LITTLE HAIR REMOVAL THERE? 233 00:14:56,190 --> 00:14:59,060 OH, UH-- YEAH. 234 00:14:59,130 --> 00:15:02,630 UM... YOU KNOW, FEEL FREE TO SAY "NO" TO THIS, BUT... 235 00:15:02,700 --> 00:15:05,100 WOULD YOU SHAVE MY COIN PURSE? 236 00:15:06,330 --> 00:15:09,340 [ Laughing ] 237 00:15:10,970 --> 00:15:14,640 OH, NO! NO WAY, MAN! 238 00:15:14,710 --> 00:15:18,810 [ Laughs ] HOLY FREAKING GOD! 239 00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:23,180 - OH! - [ Scoffs ] DON'T HAVE TO BE SO UPTIGHT ABOUT IT. 240 00:15:24,390 --> 00:15:26,620 THERE WE ARE. BALDER THAN MICHAEL CHIKLIS-- 241 00:15:26,690 --> 00:15:29,590 AND BEARS HIM AN ODD RESEMBLANCE TOO. I SAY, THEY COULD BE BROTHERS. 242 00:15:29,660 --> 00:15:32,530 [ Announcer ] DETECTIVE VIC MACKEY HAS FINALLY MET HIS MATCH. 243 00:15:32,590 --> 00:15:36,200 JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE SHIELD COULDN'T GET ANYMORE INTENSE. 244 00:15:36,260 --> 00:15:39,400 HEY, MACKEY, YOUR BROTHER'S HERE. I'M SORRY, DETECTIVE. 245 00:15:39,470 --> 00:15:42,600 I DON'T HAVE A BROTHER. HELLO, VIC. 246 00:15:42,670 --> 00:15:46,610 DETECTIVE SCROTES. I TOLD YOU I NEVER WANTED TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 247 00:15:46,670 --> 00:15:49,710 YEAH? WELL, I GOT A LISTENIN' PROBLEM. 248 00:15:51,550 --> 00:15:54,010 OKAY. WE'RE GONNA HAVE OUR FIRST FUN LITTLE RACE. 249 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:56,080 WHEN I BLOW THIS WHISTLE, I WANT ALL THE PARENTS... 250 00:15:56,150 --> 00:15:58,150 TO THROW THEIR CHILDREN INTO THE POOL. 251 00:15:58,220 --> 00:16:02,350 IF YOUR CHILD DOESN'T RESURFACE RIGHT AWAY, THEY'RE PROBABLY JUST TRYING TO GET ATTENTION. 252 00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:04,490 - READY? - GOOD LUCK, STEWIE. 253 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:06,390 [ Imitating Brad ] "GOOD LUCK, STEWIE." 254 00:16:06,460 --> 00:16:07,930 THAT'S YOU. THAT'S WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE. 255 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:11,330 - [ Blows Whistle ] - YOU'RE MINE, BRAD! 256 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:14,730 DAMN, DAMN, DAMN, DAMN, DAMN! [ Gurgling ] 257 00:16:17,970 --> 00:16:20,910 EW! A BAND-AID. 258 00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:23,980 - I'VE GOT YA, SWEETIE. - [ Choking ] 259 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:30,220 - [ Chattering ] - [ Giggles ] 260 00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:32,180 [ Cheering ] GOOD FOR YOU, BRAD! 261 00:16:32,250 --> 00:16:34,320 OH, ISN'T HE ADORABLE? HE'S MUCH BETTER THAN MY KIDS. 262 00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:39,790 SO, YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A FOOL, DO YOU? YOU LITTLE BASTARD! 263 00:16:39,860 --> 00:16:42,900 WELL, GUESS AGAIN! 264 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:47,170 OH, BRAD! THERE'S A PIECE OF MARZIPAN OVER HERE FOR YOU. 265 00:16:50,910 --> 00:16:53,610 - [ Beeps ] - WHAT THE DEUCE? 266 00:16:55,010 --> 00:16:58,640 - [ Beeping ] - [ Grunts ] 267 00:16:58,710 --> 00:17:02,550 - [ Beeping Continues ] - [ Explosion ] 268 00:17:04,490 --> 00:17:08,490 - [ Screams ] - [ Crash ] 269 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:14,590 HELL? NOW, THAT'S A BIT MUCH, DON'T YOU THINK? 270 00:17:14,660 --> 00:17:17,760 I MEAN, SURE, I'VE SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE TRYING TO KILL MY MOTHER. BUT WHO HASN'T? 271 00:17:17,830 --> 00:17:20,670 YOU KNOW, REALLY, FOR HELL THIS ISN'T THAT BAD. 272 00:17:20,730 --> 00:17:22,870 HI, THERE. I'M STEVE ALLEN. OH, HELLO. 273 00:17:22,940 --> 00:17:24,770 ALL RIGHT. LET'S DO THIS. [ Screams ] 274 00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:28,170 [ Gasps ] AH! [ Gasping ] 275 00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:30,240 I'M ALIVE. I'M ALIVE! 276 00:17:30,310 --> 00:17:32,480 OH! STEWIE! MY BABY. 277 00:17:32,550 --> 00:17:35,850 I THOUGHT I'D LOST YOU. OH! [ Kissing ] 278 00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:38,920 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. ALL THESE YEARS I THOUGHT I WAS LIVING IN HELL, 279 00:17:38,990 --> 00:17:40,990 BUT IT GETS SO MUCH WORSE. 280 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,320 THIS IS A SIGN. WELL, FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, 281 00:17:43,390 --> 00:17:46,760 STEWART GILLIGAN GRIFFIN WILL BE A GOOD BOY. 282 00:17:46,830 --> 00:17:49,830 I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I WAS ONLY GONNA ASK HIM TO FIX MY COLLAR. 283 00:17:49,900 --> 00:17:52,500 HUH. WELL, I WONDER WHAT THEY GOT ON TV IN HELL. 284 00:17:52,570 --> 00:17:56,100 ♪♪ [ TV: Theme ] ♪ THERE'S A TIME FOR LOVE AND A TIME FOR LIVING ♪ 285 00:17:56,170 --> 00:17:58,600 [ Clicking Repeatedly ] ♪ TAKE A CHANCE AND FACE THE WIND ♪♪ 286 00:18:04,010 --> 00:18:06,010 MORNING, BRIAN. 287 00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:08,850 BEAUTIFUL DAY, ISN'T IT? KIND OF DAY THAT MAKES YOU GLAD TO BE ALIVE. 288 00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:12,220 I MADE FUDGE. UH, OKAY. 289 00:18:15,490 --> 00:18:17,420 WHA-- UH-- WHAT, UH-- 290 00:18:17,490 --> 00:18:19,830 WHAT ARE YOU-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WELL, FROM THE FEEL OF IT, 291 00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:22,100 WORKING THROUGH QUITE A FEW YEARS OF STRESS. 292 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:25,330 THE THING IS, WHEN I DIED, I GOT A GLIMPSE OF WHERE I WAS GOING... 293 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,670 AND, WELL, I DID NOT LIKE IT ONE BIT. 294 00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:30,400 WOW. I AM SO UNCOMFORTABLE RIGHT NOW. 295 00:18:30,470 --> 00:18:32,510 SO, I'VE RESOLVED TO CHANGE MY WAYS, 296 00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:34,610 BECAUSE I KNOW NOW WHO I WANT TO BE. 297 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:38,540 ♪ I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN SUNSHINE ♪ 298 00:18:38,610 --> 00:18:41,780 ♪ I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN RAIN ♪ 299 00:18:41,850 --> 00:18:44,980 ♪ I HAVE CONFIDENCE THAT SPRING WILL COME AGAIN ♪ 300 00:18:45,050 --> 00:18:48,620 ♪ BESIDES WHICH, YOU SEE I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN ME ♪♪ 301 00:18:48,690 --> 00:18:51,620 THERE YOU ARE. DRINK PLENTY OF WATER. 302 00:18:51,690 --> 00:18:54,130 HEY, BRIAN. YEAH? 303 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:56,430 THANKS FOR LISTENING. 304 00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:59,430 BOY, THAT WAS MORE DISTURBING THAN THAT CARTOON I SAW THE OTHER DAY. 305 00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:07,540 SHH! BE "VEWY," "VEWY" QUIET. I'M HUNTING "WABBITS." 306 00:19:08,610 --> 00:19:10,610 NYAH, WHAT'S UP, DOC? 307 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:14,150 [ Groaning ] 308 00:19:14,220 --> 00:19:16,380 OH, GOD! OH, GOD! 309 00:19:16,450 --> 00:19:19,720 OH! [ Groaning ] 310 00:19:25,260 --> 00:19:27,990 [ Bones Crack ] 311 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:34,330 SHH! QUIET! QUIET! YOUR FATHER'S ON. 312 00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:37,970 YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS? THIS LINDSAY LOHAN. 313 00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:40,810 EH? LINDSAY LOHAN WITH ALL THOSE LITTLE OUTFITS... 314 00:19:40,870 --> 00:19:43,180 JUMPIN' AROUND THERE ON STAGE HALF-NAKED... 315 00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:45,340 WITH YOUR LITTLE OUTFITS. 316 00:19:45,410 --> 00:19:49,220 YOU'RE UP THERE JUMPIN' AROUND AND I'M JUST SITTIN' HERE WITH MY BEER. 317 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:51,720 SO, YOU KNOW, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? 318 00:19:51,790 --> 00:19:54,220 WHAT DO YOU-- WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOU KNOW, ARE WE GONNA GO OUT? 319 00:19:54,290 --> 00:19:56,960 IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TRYIN'-- WHY ARE YOU... LEAPIN' AROUND THERE, 320 00:19:57,020 --> 00:20:00,030 THROWIN' THOSE THINGS ALL UP, UM, OVER THERE IN MY FACE? 321 00:20:00,090 --> 00:20:04,030 HUH? WHAT DO YOU WANT, LINDSAY? TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT! 322 00:20:04,100 --> 00:20:06,400 WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANT. YOU WANT NOTHIN'. 323 00:20:06,470 --> 00:20:08,470 YOU WANT NOTHIN'. ALL RIGHT? 324 00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:12,540 BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT NO WOMAN ANYWHERE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE, 325 00:20:12,610 --> 00:20:17,110 AND TO TITILLATE US WITH ANY THOUGHTS OTHERWISE IS JUST BOGUS. 326 00:20:17,180 --> 00:20:20,880 OH! HE IS SO RIGHT-ON. WOMEN ARE SUCH TEASES. 327 00:20:20,950 --> 00:20:22,950 THAT'S WHY I WENT BACK TO MEN. 328 00:20:23,020 --> 00:20:27,420 OKAY, MOM. THANKS FOR THAT. SEE YOU LATER. 329 00:20:27,490 --> 00:20:29,560 GO ON. 330 00:20:29,620 --> 00:20:33,260 ANOTHER THING THAT GRINDS MY GEARS IS WHEN I CAN'T FIND THE DROIDS I'M LOOKIN' FOR. 331 00:20:33,330 --> 00:20:35,530 [ Amplified Voice ] YEAH, ME TOO. WHAT GIVES WITH THAT? 332 00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:37,800 AND THAT'S WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS. 333 00:20:37,870 --> 00:20:39,830 CLEAR. REMOVE MY MICROPHONE. 334 00:20:39,900 --> 00:20:41,900 GREAT JOB, MR. GRIFFIN. GREAT JOB, PETER. 335 00:20:41,970 --> 00:20:43,970 JUST TERRIFIC. JUST FANTASTIC. 336 00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:46,410 OH, THIS GIG IS EVEN BETTER THAN THAT JOB I HAD... 337 00:20:46,470 --> 00:20:49,010 PROVIDING NIGHTTIME HEAT FOR LARA FLYNN BOYLE. 338 00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:51,210 THANKS SO MUCH, PETER. 339 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:53,350 I WAS GETTING A LITTLE CHILLY. NO SWEAT, LARA. 340 00:20:53,410 --> 00:20:56,010 HEY, YOU HAVE YOURSELF A FINE SLEEP. 341 00:20:57,350 --> 00:21:00,450 HEY, LARA. YEAH? 342 00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:04,360 IS DYLAN McDERMOTT NICE IN PERSON? YEAH. 343 00:21:04,430 --> 00:21:06,490 GOOD. 344 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,570 SO, WHO WOULD LIKE TO SAY THE BLESSING? 345 00:21:12,630 --> 00:21:14,900 NO ONE? OKAY. I'LL DO IT. 346 00:21:14,970 --> 00:21:17,070 UM, DEAR LORD, 347 00:21:17,140 --> 00:21:19,540 WE THANK YOU FOR THIS FOOD WE ARE ABOUT TO EAT, 348 00:21:19,610 --> 00:21:23,380 UH, THANK YOU FOR THIS GORGEOUS DAY, 349 00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:27,350 AND THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME SHARE IT WITH MY GOOD FRIEND, BRIAN-- 350 00:21:27,410 --> 00:21:29,410 THAT'S YOU. 351 00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:31,480 UM... 352 00:21:31,550 --> 00:21:33,890 AND THAT ABOUT COVERS IT, I GUESS. 353 00:21:33,950 --> 00:21:36,020 ALL RIGHT. AMEN. [ Groans ] 354 00:21:36,090 --> 00:21:40,660 SWEETHEART, I THOUGHT YOUR "GRIND MY GEARS" SEGMENT WAS JUST WONDERFUL TONIGHT. 355 00:21:40,730 --> 00:21:43,030 YEAH! I CAN'T BELIEVE MY FATHER'S FAMOUS. 356 00:21:43,100 --> 00:21:45,230 WELL, HONEY, THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF FAMOUS GRIFFINS, 357 00:21:45,300 --> 00:21:47,500 LIKE MY GREAT AUNT, ELLA FITZGERALD GRIFFIN. 358 00:21:47,570 --> 00:21:49,770 ♪♪ [ Jazz ] THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 359 00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:52,040 I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE MY ACCOMPANIST FOR THE EVENING, 360 00:21:52,110 --> 00:21:55,010 PLEASE SAY HELLO TO YOUNG RAY CHARLES. 361 00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:58,580 - [ Cheering ] - ♪♪ [ Scatting ] 362 00:22:01,450 --> 00:22:05,650 ♪♪ [ Holds Note ] 363 00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:09,090 [ Screaming ] I'M BLIND! 364 00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:12,930 I FEEL RIDICULOUS. WELL, I CAN'T VERY WELL FIT YOU UP HERE, CAN I? 365 00:22:12,990 --> 00:22:17,460 - WHERE ARE WE GOING? - WELL, THERE IS THE MOST ABSOLUTELY PERFECT... 366 00:22:17,530 --> 00:22:19,800 SPIDER WEB IN THE BUSHES BY CLEVELAND'S HOUSE. 367 00:22:19,870 --> 00:22:22,370 - YOU HAVE JUST GOT TO SEE IT. - OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE. 368 00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:24,470 HEY, BRIAN. BRIAN. WHAT? 369 00:22:24,540 --> 00:22:26,670 KNOCK-KNOCK. OH, COME ON. 370 00:22:26,740 --> 00:22:28,770 KNOCK-KNOCK. WHO'S THERE? 371 00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:32,650 YOUR FRIEND, STEWIE-- AND HE'S ALWAYS GONNA BE THERE FOR YOU. 372 00:22:34,110 --> 00:22:38,020 YES. TABLE FOR TWO. I'M SORRY. WE HAVE A 45-MINUTE WAIT. 373 00:22:38,090 --> 00:22:40,620 OH, ISN'T THAT TOO BAD, HONEY? 374 00:22:40,690 --> 00:22:43,820 BECAUSE I KNOW WAITING IN LINE AT A RESTAURANT... 375 00:22:43,890 --> 00:22:45,960 REALLY, UH, GRINDS YOUR GEARS. 376 00:22:46,030 --> 00:22:48,030 OH, MY GOD! IT'S YOU! 377 00:22:48,100 --> 00:22:51,100 I LOVED YOUR RANT ABOUT HOW BREAD IS SQUARE AND BALONEY IS ROUND. 378 00:22:51,170 --> 00:22:53,230 OH, A TABLE JUST OPENED UP. 379 00:22:53,300 --> 00:22:57,340 HEY! WE'VE BEEN WAITING. SHH! THAT'S MICHAEL MOORE. 380 00:22:57,400 --> 00:22:59,410 MR. TUCKER, WE NEED THIS TABLE. 381 00:22:59,470 --> 00:23:01,470 BUT I'VE ALREADY ORDERED. 382 00:23:01,540 --> 00:23:05,140 OH, WE HAVE A PRIVATE BOOTH SET UP FOR YOU. THIS WAY. 383 00:23:05,210 --> 00:23:07,210 GRIFFIN. DIANE. 384 00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:09,920 I CAN'T BELIEVE WE GOT A TABLE AT THE HOTTEST RESTAURANT IN TOWN... 385 00:23:09,980 --> 00:23:11,980 WITHOUT A RESERVATION. 386 00:23:12,050 --> 00:23:14,120 WE REALLY ARE MOVING UP IN THE WORLD. 387 00:23:14,190 --> 00:23:16,560 YEAH, BUT I'D LOVE TO SEE WHAT THOSE PRIVATE BOOTHS ARE LIKE. 388 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:25,360 THIS IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO BE? I'M VERY HUNGRY. 389 00:23:29,570 --> 00:23:31,870 HEY, B! RUPERT AND I WERE JUST ABOUT TO-- 390 00:23:31,940 --> 00:23:34,070 E-E-EXCUSE ME. DID YOU JUST CALL ME "B"? 391 00:23:34,140 --> 00:23:36,380 YES, B. RUPERT AND I WERE JUST ABOUT TO DINE ON THIS MIXTURE... 392 00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:38,440 OF PLAY-DOH AND RUG HAIR. 393 00:23:38,510 --> 00:23:40,510 CARE TO JOIN? OH, NO, THANKS. 394 00:23:40,580 --> 00:23:42,820 I JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN SEEING THIS. 395 00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:46,320 THIS IS THE MOST ABSOLUTELY PERFECTLY DESTROYED SPIDER WEB. 396 00:23:46,390 --> 00:23:48,550 [ Gasps ] WHERE'S THE SPIDER? KNOCK-KNOCK. 397 00:23:48,620 --> 00:23:50,760 WHO'S THERE? I ATE HIM! 398 00:23:50,830 --> 00:23:53,230 YOU BASTARD! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? 399 00:23:53,290 --> 00:23:56,060 HA! I KNEW IT. I KNEW YOU HADN'T REALLY CHANGED. 400 00:23:56,130 --> 00:23:59,130 OKAY. SO, I WAS FAKING BEING NICE. IT'S NOT THE WORST THING I'VE DONE. 401 00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:01,530 [ Cheering ] [ Bat Hitting Ball ] 402 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:04,200 OOH! STEVE, IT'S COMING RIGHT AT US. GRAB IT! 403 00:24:04,270 --> 00:24:06,870 I DON'T WANNA GET IN THE WAY. IT'S A FOUL BALL. 404 00:24:06,940 --> 00:24:09,040 WHAT HARM CAN IT DO? 405 00:24:09,110 --> 00:24:12,480 LOOK, I REALLY DON'T WANT TO GO TO HELL, BUT I CAN'T FIGHT MY NATURE. 406 00:24:12,550 --> 00:24:15,210 I'M JUST A HATEFUL PERSON. YOU'RE NOT HATEFUL. 407 00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:17,280 YOU JUST NEED TO CONTROL YOUR ANGER LIKE I DO. 408 00:24:17,350 --> 00:24:19,350 [ Scoffs ] YOU MEAN BY BEING SAUCED ALL DAY? 409 00:24:19,420 --> 00:24:21,950 WAIT A MINUTE. OF COURSE. THAT'S IT. 410 00:24:22,020 --> 00:24:25,660 IF I'M DRUNK, I'LL BE CALM. IF I'M CALM, I'LL BE NICE. IF I'M NICE, I WON'T GO TO HELL. 411 00:24:25,730 --> 00:24:28,130 FIX ME A HIGHBALL. I'M GOING TO GET GOOD AND TIGHT. 412 00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:30,330 LOOK, YOU CAN'T DRINK. YOU'RE AN INFANT, ALL RIGHT? 413 00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:32,460 BESIDES, THERE ARE BETTER WAYS TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS. 414 00:24:32,530 --> 00:24:35,670 OH, I SUPPOSE YOU'RE RIGHT. THANKS, BRIAN. I WAS WEAK. 415 00:24:35,740 --> 00:24:38,000 NO PROBLEM. 416 00:24:41,710 --> 00:24:44,610 OH, MY GOD! DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S TIME FOR? 417 00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:46,880 A SEXY PARTY! 418 00:24:46,950 --> 00:24:50,550 ♪♪ [ 1960's Pop ] [ All Giggling ] 419 00:24:56,060 --> 00:24:58,190 [ Giggling ] 420 00:25:04,700 --> 00:25:07,970 SO, BRIAN, I-- OH, WHAT? 421 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:11,700 I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING. I-I THOUGHT-- OH, I THOUGHT YOU INTERRUPTED ME. 422 00:25:11,770 --> 00:25:14,140 DO-DON'T INTERRUPT ME! ARE YOU OKAY? 423 00:25:14,210 --> 00:25:16,880 I'M AS OKAY AS YOUR FACE. 424 00:25:16,940 --> 00:25:19,540 [ Laughing ] 425 00:25:19,610 --> 00:25:23,380 [ Wheezing ] I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. I'M S-SORRY. 426 00:25:23,450 --> 00:25:26,790 SO, HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO RANT ABOUT TODAY? 427 00:25:26,850 --> 00:25:29,290 COULD WE GET A LITTLE PREVIEW? OH, I GOT A GOOD ONE, LOIS. 428 00:25:29,360 --> 00:25:32,490 PARENTS WHO LET THEIR KIDS DO ANYTHING THEY WANT. I HATE THAT. 429 00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:35,490 YOU KNOW? LIKE, WHEN I'M IN A RESTAURANT TRYIN' TO ENJOY MY DINNER... 430 00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:39,630 AND LITTLE BABY JUNIOR SON-OF-A-BITCH OVER THERE IS SCREAMING HIS HEAD OFF. 431 00:25:39,700 --> 00:25:41,800 PARENTS NEED TO CONTROL THEIR KIDS. 432 00:25:41,870 --> 00:25:45,240 HEY! EVERYBODY, LOOK! I'M GONNA DO-- I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING... 433 00:25:45,310 --> 00:25:47,370 THAT'S GONNA FREAK YOU OUT. 434 00:25:47,440 --> 00:25:51,380 I'M GONNA JUMP FROM THIS SHELF TO MY HIGH CHAIR. 435 00:25:51,450 --> 00:25:55,480 I'M GONNA JUMP. YOU-- ARE Y-YOU WATCHING? ARE YOU? ARE YOU? 436 00:25:55,550 --> 00:25:57,980 STEWIE, DON'T INTERRUPT. IT GRINDS MY GEARS WHEN YOU DO THAT. 437 00:25:58,050 --> 00:26:00,090 [ Screams ] OH! HE SAID IT! 438 00:26:00,150 --> 00:26:02,150 [ Giggles ] 439 00:26:02,220 --> 00:26:04,460 YOU'RE GON-- YOU'RE GONNA-- YOU'RE GONNA MISS IT. 440 00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:07,290 YOU'RE GONNA MISS IT. YOU'RE GONNA MISS IT. 441 00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:10,260 [ Crash ] [ Stewie Groans, Laughs ] 442 00:26:10,330 --> 00:26:13,300 OH, G-- OH, DUDE! DID YOU SEE TH-THAT? 443 00:26:13,370 --> 00:26:15,730 DID YOU GUYS-- OH, MAN. LOOK AT THIS-- 444 00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:18,840 LOOK AT THIS GASH. LOOK AT THIS GASH RIGHT UP THE SIDE OF MY LEG. 445 00:26:18,910 --> 00:26:21,540 OH-HO! OH! I CUT MYSELF DEEP. 446 00:26:21,610 --> 00:26:24,180 OH! IT DOESN'T HURT THOUGH. UH, ALL RIGHT. TIME FOR YOUR NAP. 447 00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:26,310 DON'T WORRY, LOIS. I'LL TAKE HIM. LET'S GO. 448 00:26:27,550 --> 00:26:29,620 GOD! WHAT-- WHAT THE HELL? 449 00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:31,850 WHY ARE YOU DRAG-- WHY ARE WE IN HERE? 450 00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:34,120 IT'S RUDE TO THE... OTHER PEOPLE. 451 00:26:34,190 --> 00:26:36,190 YOU'RE DRUNK. YOU'RE SEXY. 452 00:26:36,260 --> 00:26:38,460 LISTEN, YOU HAVE TO STOP THIS, ALL RIGHT? NO MORE DRINKING. 453 00:26:38,530 --> 00:26:40,690 I'M SORRY I EVEN PUT IT IN YOUR HEAD. I DON'T KNOW. 454 00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:43,390 I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS. I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER. 455 00:26:43,460 --> 00:26:46,470 [ Vomits ] OKAY, NOW I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER. 456 00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:53,610 YOU KNOW, PETER, THERE'S GONNA BE A LOT OF PEOPLE WATCHING TONIGHT. 457 00:26:53,670 --> 00:26:56,510 BETTER KEEP YOUR BALLS ON THE PRIZE-- EYEBALLS-- 458 00:26:56,580 --> 00:26:58,640 ON THE BALL. EYES ON THE BALL. 459 00:26:58,710 --> 00:27:01,010 [ Clears Throat ] TAKE TWO. YOU KNOW, PETER, THERE'S GONNA BE... 460 00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:03,220 A LOT OF PEOPLE WATCHING TONIGHT. 461 00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:05,280 BETTER NOT SCREW UP. USE TAKE TWO. 462 00:27:05,350 --> 00:27:07,990 DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, TOM. I'LL BE FINE. 463 00:27:08,060 --> 00:27:10,260 WE'RE ON IN THREE, TWO-- 464 00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:12,930 AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR "YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS?" 465 00:27:12,990 --> 00:27:15,390 - WITH PETER GRIFFIN. - THANKS, DIANE. 466 00:27:15,460 --> 00:27:18,200 - YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS? - HEY! HEY! 467 00:27:18,270 --> 00:27:20,670 THOSE X-RAY SPECS YOU USED TO BUY OUT OF THE COMICS. 468 00:27:20,730 --> 00:27:23,700 - HEY! SCREW UP! - I SAVE UP FOREVER TO BUY THESE THINGS, 469 00:27:23,770 --> 00:27:27,170 AND WHEN I FINALLY GET 'EM YESTERDAY, I COULDN'T SEE THE INSIDE OF MY SON'S BELLY. 470 00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:32,240 BLAH! BAH! BLAH! [ Blathering ] 471 00:27:32,310 --> 00:27:34,450 SEE, I WANTED TO SEE IF HE'D EATEN THE LAST NILLA WAFER... 472 00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:36,520 'CAUSE I TOLD HIM I WANTED IT. 473 00:27:36,580 --> 00:27:39,350 BOY, I TELL YA, THAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS. PAY ATTENTION TO ME! 474 00:27:39,420 --> 00:27:41,550 I'M TRYING TO RUIN YOU! 475 00:27:41,620 --> 00:27:43,790 [ Door Opens ] YOU WANTED TO SEE ME, SIR? 476 00:27:43,860 --> 00:27:47,690 YOU'RE FIRED, TOM. TURN IN YOUR PRESS PASS AND ANY OTHER STUDIO PROPERTY. 477 00:27:53,930 --> 00:27:56,070 WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE? 478 00:27:56,140 --> 00:27:58,870 SO, YOU LIKE BEING DRUNK? FINE. I'M GONNA GET YOU SO DRUNK... 479 00:27:58,940 --> 00:28:00,940 YOU'LL NEVER WANNA DRINK AGAIN. 480 00:28:01,010 --> 00:28:03,780 COME ON. 481 00:28:14,420 --> 00:28:17,120 COLD. IT'S SO COLD. 482 00:28:18,490 --> 00:28:20,690 THANKS, HORACE. HEY, IS HE 18? 483 00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:23,700 HORACE, THE DRINKING AGE IS 21. OH. 484 00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:26,600 O-OKAY. UH, UH... 485 00:28:26,670 --> 00:28:28,700 TO THE BLACK MAN. 486 00:28:28,770 --> 00:28:31,470 THANKS FOR TAKING IT ALL IN STRIDE. 487 00:28:36,410 --> 00:28:40,710 ♪ 'CAUSE SUICIDE IS PAINLESS ♪ 488 00:28:40,780 --> 00:28:45,080 ♪ IT BRINGS ON MANY CHANGES ♪ 489 00:28:45,150 --> 00:28:48,290 ♪ AND I CAN TAKE OR LEAVE IT ♪ 490 00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:52,090 ♪ IF I PLEASE ♪♪ 491 00:28:53,090 --> 00:28:55,060 WAS THAT-- WAS THAT GOOD? 492 00:28:55,130 --> 00:28:57,500 OH, GOD. THANK YOU, MAN. 493 00:28:57,560 --> 00:28:59,570 G-GET THE FRUIT. THERE'S MORE POINTS. 494 00:28:59,630 --> 00:29:02,000 GET-- GET THE-- GET THE FRUIT. I'M NOT GONNA GET THE FRUIT. 495 00:29:02,070 --> 00:29:04,000 GET THE FRUIT. I CAN'T GET THE FRUIT. 496 00:29:04,070 --> 00:29:06,740 I'M NOT GONNA GET THE FRUIT! THERE'S A GHOST RIGHT THERE! 497 00:29:08,710 --> 00:29:11,040 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAVED ALL THOSE. 498 00:29:11,110 --> 00:29:14,750 L-LOIS-- L-LOIS-- YOU THINK LOIS'LL LIKE THESE? 499 00:29:14,810 --> 00:29:17,480 YOU LOVE LOIS! SHUT UP! 500 00:29:17,550 --> 00:29:19,880 YOU KNOW WHAT? GIVE ME YOUR KEYS. 501 00:29:19,950 --> 00:29:22,690 OH, NO. I'M FINE. NO, NO. GIVE ME YOUR KEYS. 502 00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:24,760 I'M FI-- I'M DRIVIN'. 503 00:29:24,820 --> 00:29:26,820 GIVE ME YOUR KEYS. YOU'RE TOO DRUNK. I'M OKAY. 504 00:29:26,890 --> 00:29:30,660 PETER-- MEG-- BRIAN. YOU'RE TOO-- BRIAN, YOU'RE TOO DRUNK TO DRIVE. 505 00:29:30,730 --> 00:29:33,900 I-I-I A-AM-- I-- 506 00:29:33,970 --> 00:29:36,270 YOU'RE RIGHT. HERE. HERE YOU GO. 507 00:29:39,610 --> 00:29:42,240 [ Engine Starts ] [ Screaming ] 508 00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:45,780 SHH! 509 00:29:45,850 --> 00:29:50,550 AND THAT'S IT FOR SPORTS. NOW LET'S GO TO OLLIE WILLIAMS WITH ADOPT-A-PET OF THE WEEK. 510 00:29:50,620 --> 00:29:52,620 - WHO WANTS THIS DOG? - THANKS, OLLIE. 511 00:29:52,690 --> 00:29:56,250 AND NOW LET'S GO TO PETER GRIFFIN WITH "YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY--" 512 00:29:56,320 --> 00:29:58,860 TOM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU DON'T WORK HERE ANYMORE. 513 00:29:58,930 --> 00:30:01,260 WELL, DIANE, I HAVE AN EXCLUSIVE STORY-- 514 00:30:01,330 --> 00:30:03,560 AND I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO CHECK MY E-MAIL FROM HOME. 515 00:30:03,630 --> 00:30:05,930 DID YOU CHECK YOUR TCP/IP SETTINGS? YES, I DID, OLLIE. 516 00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:08,000 ENABLE COOKIES? YES, OLLIE. 517 00:30:08,070 --> 00:30:10,140 YOU WANT THIS DOG? NO, THANK YOU, OLLIE. ROLL TAPE. 518 00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:12,700 [ Tom ] THIS WAS THE SCENE AT THE DRUNKEN CLAM LAST NIGHT, 519 00:30:12,770 --> 00:30:14,770 AS A CAR DRIVEN BY AN INTOXICATED INFANT... 520 00:30:14,840 --> 00:30:16,840 CAUSED THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS-WORTH OF DAMAGE. 521 00:30:16,910 --> 00:30:19,080 PUT TH-- PUT THIS ON MY TAB. 522 00:30:19,150 --> 00:30:21,580 IT WAS-- IT WAS, LIKE, ALL SLOWED DOWN. 523 00:30:21,650 --> 00:30:25,050 YOU KNOW? AND I WAS, LIKE, "WHOA!" BUT I COULDN'T STOP IT. 524 00:30:25,120 --> 00:30:27,120 AND WHO IS THE FATHER OF THE CHILD IN THAT CAR? 525 00:30:27,190 --> 00:30:29,120 OOH! TOM! TOM! I KNOW THIS. I KNOW THIS. 526 00:30:29,190 --> 00:30:31,420 TOM, OVER HERE. TOM! OOH! OOH! 527 00:30:31,490 --> 00:30:35,730 THE MAN YOU ALL RESPECT SO MUCH. YOUR BELOVED PETER GRIFFIN. 528 00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:38,200 GOOD THING HE DIDN'T CALL ON ME. I WAS GONNA SAY "GRANT GOODEVE." 529 00:30:38,270 --> 00:30:42,530 THANKS, TOM. AND NOW, NEGLECTFUL FATHER AND QUAHOG'S NEWEST SOCIAL PARIAH, 530 00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:44,870 PETER GRIFFIN, WITH ANOTHER SEGMENT OF "GRIND MY GEARS." 531 00:30:44,940 --> 00:30:47,010 - PETER. - THANK YOU, DIANE. 532 00:30:47,070 --> 00:30:50,980 YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS? PEOPLE IN THE 19th CENTURY. 533 00:30:51,040 --> 00:30:53,510 WHY DON'T THEY GET WITH THE FREAKIN' PROGRAM? 534 00:30:53,580 --> 00:30:57,550 IT'S CALLED AN AUTOMOBILE, FOLKS. IT'S MUCH FASTER THAN A HORSE. 535 00:30:58,750 --> 00:31:01,490 OH. WELL, IT APPEARS I'VE BEEN FIRED. 536 00:31:01,550 --> 00:31:04,690 WELL, AS LONG AS I'M NO LONGER WORKING HERE, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN'. 537 00:31:04,760 --> 00:31:08,260 YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS? YOU, AMERICA. 538 00:31:08,330 --> 00:31:10,760 FUCK YOU! DIANE. 539 00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:15,030 HEY, TOM. CATCH! 540 00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:24,680 DID YOU MISS DADDY? DID YOU MISS DADDY? 541 00:31:24,740 --> 00:31:27,710 OH, NO. IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S-- OH, YOU'RE SHAKING. 542 00:31:33,820 --> 00:31:36,550 GO AWAY. HUH. LITTLE HUNG OVER? 543 00:31:36,620 --> 00:31:39,220 I AM NEVER GOING TO DRINK AGAIN-- EVER. 544 00:31:39,290 --> 00:31:41,860 I MAY HAVE AN OCCASIONAL CRÈME DE MENTHE, BUT THAT'S ABOUT IT. 545 00:31:41,930 --> 00:31:44,360 LOOK, KID, YOU CAN'T STAY IN BED ALL-- OH, GOD! YOU'RE NUDE! 546 00:31:44,430 --> 00:31:46,430 I AM? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY CLOTHES? 547 00:31:46,500 --> 00:31:49,900 GOOD LORD! WHAT THE HELL DID I DO LAST NIGHT? 548 00:31:49,970 --> 00:31:53,070 I HOPE YOU LEARNED SOMETHING FROM ALL THIS. I CERTAINLY DID, BRIAN. 549 00:31:53,140 --> 00:31:55,140 IT SEEMS I'M STILL FINDING MYSELF. 550 00:31:55,210 --> 00:31:58,340 WELL, THAT'S JUST LIFE, STEWIE. YOU GOTTA HELP YOURSELF. NO ONE'S GONNA DO IT FOR YA. 551 00:31:58,410 --> 00:32:00,480 YES, I SUPPOSE YOU'RE RIGHT. 552 00:32:00,550 --> 00:32:03,150 IT'S JUST TOO BAD THERE'S NOT SOMEONE OUT THERE JUST LIKE ME... 553 00:32:03,220 --> 00:32:05,580 WHO UNDERSTANDS ME WELL ENOUGH TO SHOW ME THE WAY. 554 00:32:05,650 --> 00:32:08,690 [ Scoffing ] YEAH. STEWIE, I'M SURE THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE JUST LIKE YOU. 555 00:32:12,690 --> 00:32:15,360 YES, I'VE RESERVED A NON-SMOKING ROOM WITH A VIEW OF THE BAY. 556 00:32:15,430 --> 00:32:18,700 NO SOAP IN THE BATHROOM, JUST MOIST TOWELETTES AND A SLEEP MASK. 557 00:32:18,770 --> 00:32:22,930 AND, UM, COULD YOU SEND UP A BOUQUET OF ORCHIDS AND A BOX OF TOFFIFAY? 558 00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:25,070 BUT, FOR THE MOMENT, I'VE JUST GOT TO ACCEPT THE FACT... 559 00:32:25,140 --> 00:32:27,640 THAT I'M AN ANGRY BOY WHO'LL OCCASIONALLY TRY TO BURN DOWN A HOUSE... 560 00:32:27,710 --> 00:32:29,910 OR TOSS A POISON DART AT HIS MOTHER. 561 00:32:29,980 --> 00:32:33,240 AFTER ALL, I CAN'T LET ONE NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE CHANGE MY WHOLE LIFE, CAN I? 562 00:32:33,310 --> 00:32:35,410 I'M GLAD YOU FINALLY FIGURED THAT OUT. 563 00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:37,750 ALTHOUGH, I WILL SAY, FOR THE RECORD, YOU'RE A PRETTY FUN DRUNK. 564 00:32:37,820 --> 00:32:40,750 WELL, THANK GOD THERE WERE NO LONG-TERM REPERCUSSIONS. 565 00:32:43,890 --> 00:32:46,890 OH! GOT TO PLAY THIS ONE RIGHT, ROGER. CAN'T SEEM DESPERATE. 566 00:32:46,960 --> 00:32:49,130 WAIT THREE DAYS-- THAT'S THE RULE. 567 00:32:50,730 --> 00:32:53,000 OH, GOD! I WANNA TALK TO HIM NOW! 568 00:32:54,600 --> 00:32:56,630 [ Line Ringing ] DAMN! 569 00:33:02,210 --> 00:33:04,940 WOW! THIS MUST BE ONE OF THEM NEW PLASMA TV's. 570 00:33:05,010 --> 00:33:07,380 WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING TO DRINK? I'LL HAVE WATER, PLEASE. 571 00:33:07,450 --> 00:33:09,450 I'LL HAVE WATER TOO, BUT WITH LEMON. 572 00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:12,380 I'LL HAVE A SAM ADAMS. IT'S 9:30 IN THE MORNING. 573 00:33:12,450 --> 00:33:14,720 AND DON'T YOU HAVE AN OUTSTANDING D.U.I.? 574 00:33:14,790 --> 00:33:17,990 YEAH, BUT I'VE GOTTA GET THE TASTE OF WEED AND HOOKER SPIT OUT OF MY MOUTH. 575 00:33:18,060 --> 00:33:20,130 I'LL HAVE A SAM ADAMS TOO. 576 00:33:20,190 --> 00:33:23,260 SAMUEL ADAMS-- ALWAYS A GOOD DECISION. 577 00:33:23,330 --> 00:33:26,200 OKAY, NOW, IF I GET A FAX, CAN I STAY ONLINE AND STILL RECEIVED THE FAX... 578 00:33:26,270 --> 00:33:28,270 WITHOUT A DEDICATED LINE? 579 00:33:28,340 --> 00:33:32,400 YEAH, YOU CAN PUT A PIECE OF PAPER IN HERE AND MAKE, LIKE, A PHONE CALL... 580 00:33:32,470 --> 00:33:36,610 AND YOUR FRIEND WILL GET ANOTHER PIECE OF PAPER WITH THE SAME PICTURE. 581 00:33:36,680 --> 00:33:40,210 CAN I POSSIBLY SPEAK TO SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T COME TO THIS COUNTRY ON A FLOATING DOOR? 582 00:33:40,280 --> 00:33:43,380 CAN I HELP YOU? YES. WE'RE HERE TO REPLACE OUR VCR. 583 00:33:43,450 --> 00:33:46,280 YEAH, DON'T TRY ANY OF YOUR SALESMAN FUNNY BUSINESS, 584 00:33:46,350 --> 00:33:48,950 LIKE THAT GUY WHO CONVINCED ME TO BUY THAT PET TYRANNOSAURUS. 585 00:33:49,020 --> 00:33:51,160 OKAY, PATCHES, NOW FETCH! 586 00:33:51,230 --> 00:33:53,220 [ Growling ] [ Screaming ] 587 00:33:53,290 --> 00:33:56,800 OH! OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! DROP IT. DROP IT. DROP IT. 588 00:33:56,860 --> 00:33:59,330 EW. IT'S GOT SPIT ALL OVER IT. 589 00:33:59,400 --> 00:34:02,000 A VCR? LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING. 590 00:34:02,070 --> 00:34:04,070 IT'S CALLED TiVo. IT ALWAYS RECORDS WHAT YOUR WATCHING, 591 00:34:04,140 --> 00:34:06,140 SO, YOU CAN RE-WATCH ANYTHING YOU MISSED. 592 00:34:06,210 --> 00:34:08,640 OH! SOUNDS FANCY. HOW DOES IT WORK? 593 00:34:08,710 --> 00:34:11,180 I'LL TELL YA HOW IT WORKS. EASY AS PIE, IS HOW IT WORKS. 594 00:34:11,240 --> 00:34:13,240 [ Beeping ] 595 00:34:13,310 --> 00:34:15,610 I'LL TELL YA HOW IT WORKS. EASY AS PIE, IS HOW IT WORKS. 596 00:34:15,680 --> 00:34:17,680 SHOULD I RING IT UP? HOLD ON. HOLD ON. 597 00:34:17,750 --> 00:34:19,750 I THINK WE SHOULD DISCUSS IT FIRST. 598 00:34:19,820 --> 00:34:22,050 - [ Beeping ] - [ No Audio ] 599 00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:24,420 - [ Beeping Continues ] - SOME KIND OF PALSY. 600 00:34:24,490 --> 00:34:26,490 ANYWAY, THAT'S HOW I SAVED CHRISTMAS. 601 00:34:26,560 --> 00:34:28,630 YEAH, GO AHEAD AND BAG THIS THING FOR US. 602 00:34:32,970 --> 00:34:36,000 AH! SWEET, QUAGMIRE. YOU GOT A WINNEBAGO. 603 00:34:36,070 --> 00:34:38,340 YOU MEAN A "WANNA-BANG-O"! 604 00:34:38,400 --> 00:34:40,410 [ Chuckles ] HOW CLEVER. 605 00:34:40,470 --> 00:34:42,470 YEAH, I'M GONNA TAKE HER ACROSS THE COUNTRY... 606 00:34:42,540 --> 00:34:44,540 AND BANG A DIFFERENT BROAD IN EVERY STATE. [ Laughs ] 607 00:34:44,610 --> 00:34:46,880 - ALSO, GONNA GO TO VEGAS. - OH, WE WENT TO VEGAS ONCE. 608 00:34:46,950 --> 00:34:48,950 REMEMBER, LOIS? WE SAW THE JEW MAN GROUP? 609 00:34:49,020 --> 00:34:53,120 ♪♪ [ "Hava Nagila" ] 610 00:34:53,190 --> 00:34:55,220 [ Beeping ] DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 611 00:34:55,290 --> 00:34:58,020 I'M FAST-FORWARDING THROUGH THIS PESKY TV SHOW SO I CAN GET TO THE COMMERCIALS. 612 00:34:58,090 --> 00:35:00,860 HI, I'M WILFORD BRIMLEY AND I HAVE DIABETES. 613 00:35:00,930 --> 00:35:04,400 IT HURTS ME TO PEE AND IT CAUSES ME TO BE SHORT WITH MY FAMILY. 614 00:35:04,460 --> 00:35:06,530 I CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT. 615 00:35:06,600 --> 00:35:09,300 THE OTHER DAY, I STUBBED MY TOE AND TOOK IT OUT ON THE DOG. 616 00:35:09,370 --> 00:35:13,240 TWO WEEKS AGO, I RAN OUT OF VANILLA ICE CREAM AND STRUCK MY WIFE. 617 00:35:13,310 --> 00:35:16,110 THEN I FIND OUT MY WIFE'S BEEN DEAD FOR SIX YEARS. 618 00:35:16,180 --> 00:35:18,240 WHO THE HELL DID I HIT? 619 00:35:21,050 --> 00:35:24,320 LUNCH IS READY! COME AND GET IT! 620 00:35:24,380 --> 00:35:26,590 HEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS, BOOGERS ON A BISCUIT? 621 00:35:26,650 --> 00:35:30,220 [ Laughs ] THAT'S PROB-- THAT'S PROBABLY WHAT IT IS. 622 00:35:30,290 --> 00:35:32,490 WE NOW GO LIVE TO THE STREETS OF SAN FRANCISCO... 623 00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:34,930 WITH ASIAN REPORTER TRICIA TAKANAWA. 624 00:35:35,000 --> 00:35:37,930 DIANE, IS SHE CHINESE OR JAPANESE? SHE'S JAPANESE, TOM. 625 00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:40,160 WOW. I KNOW A JAPANESE WOMAN. 626 00:35:40,230 --> 00:35:42,970 TOM, I'M STANDING HERE AMIDST THE HEATED DEBATE... 627 00:35:43,040 --> 00:35:45,700 OVER A RECENT PETITION TO CHANGE THE NAME OF THE CITY... 628 00:35:45,770 --> 00:35:49,810 FROM SAN FRANCISCO TO SOMETHING A LITTLE LESS GAY. 629 00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:53,580 EXCUSE ME, SIR. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO RENAME SAN FRANCISCO? 630 00:35:53,650 --> 00:35:57,380 WELL, GIVEN THE WONDERFUL SHOE SHOPPING, I WOULD CAST MY VOTE FOR "HEAVEN." 631 00:35:57,450 --> 00:35:59,380 WHO THE HELL WAS THAT? WHAT? 632 00:35:59,450 --> 00:36:01,750 I SAY, PRESS THE BUTTON. MAKE IT STOP. OH, MY GOD. 633 00:36:01,820 --> 00:36:04,560 - HE LOOKS JUST LIKE ME. - YOU KNOW WHAT? HE DOES. 634 00:36:04,620 --> 00:36:08,260 - ALMOST LOOKS LIKE HE COULD BE YOUR FATHER. - HE COULD BE MY FATHER. 635 00:36:08,330 --> 00:36:10,460 MY REAL FATHER. I KNEW IT! 636 00:36:10,530 --> 00:36:13,160 LOIS MUST HAVE MATED WITH THIS POOR FELLOW. 637 00:36:13,230 --> 00:36:15,170 I'VE GOT TO GET OUT TO CALIFORNIA. 638 00:36:15,240 --> 00:36:17,600 I DARE SAY, I'D FIT RIGHT IN WITH THE KIDS FROM 90210-- 639 00:36:17,670 --> 00:36:19,840 EVEN THE OLDER-LOOKING ONE. 640 00:36:21,240 --> 00:36:23,470 BOY, THAT TEST SURE IS GONNA BE HARD TOMORROW. 641 00:36:23,540 --> 00:36:26,340 YOU SAID IT, DONNA. HEY, ANDREA, CAN YOU HELP ME STUDY? 642 00:36:26,410 --> 00:36:29,050 WHAT? I SAID, "CAN YOU HELP ME STUDY?" 643 00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:31,480 DYLAN, I FIXED YOUR SOCKS. 644 00:36:31,550 --> 00:36:33,890 HEY, ANDREA, ARE WE STILL GOIN' TO THE CONCERT? 645 00:36:33,950 --> 00:36:38,990 THIS USED TO BE ALL ORANGE GROVES, FAR AS THE EYE COULD SEE. 646 00:36:39,060 --> 00:36:41,060 OKAY. SO, I'LL PICK YOU UP AT 7:00. 647 00:36:41,130 --> 00:36:45,900 BARBARA STANWYCK AND I USED TO TAKE THE TROLLEY. 648 00:36:45,970 --> 00:36:49,100 HEY, LOIS! THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE IN THE MOOD FOR A CLASSIC. 649 00:36:49,170 --> 00:36:53,570 ♪ NA-NA, NA-NA, NA-NA, NA-NA NA-NA, NA-NA, NA-NA, NA-NA SPIDER-MAN ♪ 650 00:36:53,640 --> 00:36:55,840 ♪ SPIDER-MAN ♪ 651 00:36:55,910 --> 00:36:58,310 ♪ HERE COMES PETER ON THE CLOTHESLINE BUT HIS NAME'S NOT PETER ♪ 652 00:36:58,380 --> 00:37:00,780 ♪ IT IS SPIDER-MAN SPIDER-MAN ♪ 653 00:37:00,850 --> 00:37:03,420 ♪ COME ON, LOIS LET'S GET BUSY, MAYBE IN THE GARDEN RIGHT HERE ♪ 654 00:37:03,480 --> 00:37:06,350 ♪ SPIDER-MAN SPIDER-MAN ♪ 655 00:37:06,420 --> 00:37:09,120 ♪ TOUCH MY CAN WITH YOUR HAND SPIDER-MAN ♪ 656 00:37:09,190 --> 00:37:12,160 [ Laughs ] OH! HELP! SPIDER-MAN. 657 00:37:12,230 --> 00:37:14,490 I'M BEING ATTACKED BY THE EVIL ROSEBUSH. 658 00:37:14,560 --> 00:37:16,560 AH! I'LL SAVE YOU, MARY JANE! 659 00:37:16,630 --> 00:37:20,230 [ Both Giggling, Moaning ] 660 00:37:20,300 --> 00:37:22,730 OH, MY GOD! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE FIGHTING ABOUT, 661 00:37:22,800 --> 00:37:24,970 BUT I THINK DAD'S WINNING. 662 00:37:25,040 --> 00:37:27,840 GO, DAD! KIDS, CAN WE HAVE SOME PRIVACY, PLEASE? 663 00:37:27,910 --> 00:37:31,280 YEAH, YOU GUYS ARE MORE ANNOYING THAN THAT ANNOUNCER ON THOSE TV COMMERCIALS. 664 00:37:31,340 --> 00:37:33,510 [ Announcer ] WACKY, WAVING, INFLATABLE-ARM-FLAILING TUBE MAN! 665 00:37:33,580 --> 00:37:35,880 WACKY, WAVING, INFLATABLE-ARM-FLAILING TUBE MAN! 666 00:37:35,950 --> 00:37:37,950 WACKY, WAVING, INFLATABLE-ARM-FLAILING TUBE MAN! 667 00:37:38,020 --> 00:37:40,850 HI, I'M AL HARRINGTON, PRESIDENT AND C.E.O. OF AL HARRINGTON'S... 668 00:37:40,920 --> 00:37:44,490 WACKY, WAVING, INFLATABLE-ARM-FLAILING TUBE MAN EMPORIUM AND WAREHOUSE. 669 00:37:44,560 --> 00:37:47,130 THANKS TO A SHIPPING ERROR, I AM NOW CURRENTLY OVERSTOCKED... 670 00:37:47,190 --> 00:37:49,660 ON WACKY, WAVING INFLATABLE-ARM-FLAILING TUBE MEN... 671 00:37:49,730 --> 00:37:52,330 AND I AM PASSING THE SAVINGS ON TO YOU! 672 00:37:52,400 --> 00:37:55,570 ATTRACT CUSTOMERS TO YOUR BUSINESS, MAKE A SPLASH AT YOUR NEXT PRESENTATION, 673 00:37:55,640 --> 00:37:58,740 KEEP GRANDMA COMPANY, PROTECT YOUR CROPS, CONFUSE YOUR NEIGHBORS. 674 00:37:58,810 --> 00:38:03,140 AFRICAN-AMERICAN? HAIL A CAB, TESTIFY IN CHURCH OR JUST RAISE THE ROOF. 675 00:38:03,210 --> 00:38:06,510 WHATEVER YOUR WACKY, WAVING INFLATABLE-ARM-FLAILING TUBE MAN NEEDS ARE. 676 00:38:06,580 --> 00:38:08,610 SO, COME ON DOWN TO AL HARRINGTON'S... 677 00:38:08,680 --> 00:38:11,150 WACKY, WAVING INFLATABLE-ARM-FLAILING TUBE MAN EMPORIUM AND WAREHOUSE. 678 00:38:11,220 --> 00:38:13,690 ROUTE 2 IN WEEKAPAUG! 679 00:38:16,490 --> 00:38:19,460 PLEASE FORGIVE ME, MR. OINKBAUM. YOU WILL BE MISSED. 680 00:38:19,530 --> 00:38:21,530 THERE WE ARE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 681 00:38:21,590 --> 00:38:23,560 NONE OF YOUR BEES WAX, RAMONA. 682 00:38:23,630 --> 00:38:26,760 BUT IF YOU MUST KNOW, I NEED A PLANE TICKET TO SAN FRANCISCO. 683 00:38:26,830 --> 00:38:29,200 [ Scoffs ] GOOD LUCK. PLANE TICKETS ARE ABOUT 450 BUCKS. 684 00:38:29,270 --> 00:38:31,800 400-- BRIAN, HIT ME IN THE MOUTH. 685 00:38:31,870 --> 00:38:34,540 WHAT? WHY? I HEAR THIS TOOTH FAIRY GIVES YOU MONEY FOR YOUR TEETH. 686 00:38:34,610 --> 00:38:36,640 HAVE AT IT. UH, OKAY. 687 00:38:36,710 --> 00:38:38,710 NO, NO! DON'T, DON'T, DON'T! STOP. STOP. 688 00:38:38,780 --> 00:38:40,780 WHY DID YOU STOP? I SAID, "HIT ME." YOU FLINCHED. 689 00:38:40,850 --> 00:38:42,880 WELL, OF COURSE I FLINCHED. YOU WERE GOING TO HIT ME. 690 00:38:42,950 --> 00:38:45,220 WELL, MAKE UP YOUR MIND. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? HIT ME. [ Screams ] 691 00:38:45,280 --> 00:38:47,280 NO, NO. D-DON'T. [ Sighs ] 692 00:38:47,350 --> 00:38:49,620 I'M SORRY. LOOK, I KNOW I'M BEING HARD TO READ-- 693 00:38:57,460 --> 00:39:00,300 HEY! YOU THERE! BUY THIS YELLOW DRINK. 694 00:39:00,370 --> 00:39:03,940 HEY, PREGGO. PREGGO. HEY, I'M TALKIN' TO YOU, TUBBY. 695 00:39:04,000 --> 00:39:06,470 OH, DON'T YOU IGNORE ME. OOH! 696 00:39:06,540 --> 00:39:09,540 PARDON ME, SIR. SIR? SIR? OH, THE HELL WITH THIS. 697 00:39:10,840 --> 00:39:13,110 [ Groaning ] 698 00:39:13,180 --> 00:39:16,050 SO, WE HAD TO DO IT THE HARD WAY, HMM? 699 00:39:16,120 --> 00:39:19,620 SIX BUCKS? NICE-LOOKING WIFE YOU'VE GOT. 700 00:39:19,690 --> 00:39:22,090 MAYBE I'LL LOOK HER UP WHILE YOU'RE IN THE HOSPITAL. 701 00:39:22,160 --> 00:39:24,720 DON'T FORGET YOUR LEMONADE. 702 00:39:28,060 --> 00:39:30,190 OH, THERE YOU ARE. I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD-- 703 00:39:30,260 --> 00:39:32,360 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PAYING BILLS. 704 00:39:32,430 --> 00:39:34,900 WHAT BILLS? YOU HAVE BILLS? WELL, THERE'S CABLE AND-- 705 00:39:34,970 --> 00:39:38,570 PETER PAYS FOR THE CABLE! IT'S AT THIS, UH-- IT'S AT THIS GIRL'S HOUSE. 706 00:39:38,640 --> 00:39:41,370 - DO YOU WANT SOMETHING? - YES. I'M STILL SHORT FOR MY TRIP. 707 00:39:41,440 --> 00:39:45,110 I'VE ONLY GOT $200. I SUGGEST YOU PONY UP THE DIFFERENCE IMMEDIATELY... 708 00:39:45,180 --> 00:39:48,250 OR I'LL E-MAIL THE CONTENTS OF YOUR HARD DRIVE TO THE F.B.I. 709 00:39:48,320 --> 00:39:50,380 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THERE'S NOTHING ON THERE. 710 00:39:54,320 --> 00:39:57,320 STEWIE, WHY IS IT SO HARD TO ACCEPT THAT PETER'S YOUR REAL FATHER? 711 00:39:57,390 --> 00:39:59,420 BECAUSE HE'S AN IDIOT. 712 00:39:59,490 --> 00:40:01,490 YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME HE WENT TO THE TODAY SHOW. 713 00:40:01,560 --> 00:40:04,500 COMING UP ON TODAY. TOM CRUISE HAS A NEW MOVIE. WE'RE GONNA BE TALKING TO HIM. 714 00:40:04,560 --> 00:40:06,500 KATIE. 715 00:40:06,570 --> 00:40:09,500 FUNNYMAN AL FRANKEN WILL BE STOPPING BY FOR A VISIT. KATIE! 716 00:40:09,570 --> 00:40:12,500 AND WOLFGANG PUCK SHARES HIS RECIPE FOR APPLE STRUDEL. KATIE! 717 00:40:12,570 --> 00:40:16,570 SO STAY TUNED BECAUSE WE'VE GOT ALL THIS AND MORE COMING UP IN THE NEXT HOUR. 718 00:40:16,640 --> 00:40:18,580 KATIE! 719 00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:20,640 WHAT? OH, WELL, NEVER MIND. 720 00:40:23,220 --> 00:40:25,980 CARE TO JOIN ME, LOIS? AH! 721 00:40:26,050 --> 00:40:29,820 [ Giggles ] UH, PETER, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO-- 722 00:40:29,890 --> 00:40:34,430 - OH, OH, OH. SORRY. SORRY. WHERE ARE MY MANNERS? - OH, WHAT A GENTLEMAN. 723 00:40:36,430 --> 00:40:38,700 - THERE YA GO. - [ Groans ] 724 00:40:38,770 --> 00:40:42,200 OH! OH, GOD. YOU OKAY, HONEY? YEAH, I'M ALL RIGHT. 725 00:40:42,270 --> 00:40:44,500 OH, THIS IS NICE. 726 00:40:44,570 --> 00:40:49,440 MOM, MEG SAYS OMAR SHARIF IS DEAD, BUT I THINK SHE'S THINKIN' OF ANTHONY QUINN. 727 00:40:49,510 --> 00:40:51,840 CHRIS, YOUR FATHER AND I ARE IN THE TUB. 728 00:40:51,910 --> 00:40:54,550 AND, MEG, YOU ARE THINKING OF ANTHONY QUINN. NOW, GET OUT! 729 00:40:54,610 --> 00:40:57,850 PETER, THIS IS RIDICULOUS. WE HAVE NO PRIVACY HERE. 730 00:40:57,920 --> 00:41:00,320 WE GOTTA GET THOSE KIDS OUTTA THE HOUSE ONCE IN A WHILE. 731 00:41:00,390 --> 00:41:03,320 - SHOULDN'T THEY BE DATING? - AW, THAT DOESN'T SOLVE THE PROBLEM, LOIS. 732 00:41:03,390 --> 00:41:06,560 IF THEY START DATIN', I MEAN, THEIR ROOMS ARE RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER. 733 00:41:06,630 --> 00:41:09,160 THEY'LL START HAVIN' SEX. WE'LL NEVER GET 'EM OUTTA THE HOUSE. 734 00:41:09,230 --> 00:41:12,830 NO, NO, YOU IDIOT. I'M TALKING ABOUT THEM DATING OTHER PEOPLE. 735 00:41:12,900 --> 00:41:15,270 LOOK, I'M GONNA START SPENDING SOME TIME WITH CHRIS... 736 00:41:15,330 --> 00:41:17,640 AND I'LL SHOW HIM HOW TO ATTRACT A WOMAN. 737 00:41:17,700 --> 00:41:19,870 YEAH, AND I'LL SPEND SOME TIME WITH MEG. 738 00:41:19,940 --> 00:41:22,070 I'VE SPENT LOTS OF TIME WITH HER, 739 00:41:22,140 --> 00:41:24,440 LIKE WHEN WE WENT ON OUR LAST CRUSADE TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL. 740 00:41:24,510 --> 00:41:27,810 CHOOSE WISELY. UH, I CHOOSE THIS ONE. 741 00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:30,010 HOW DID YOU KNOW? WELL, I KINDA FIGURED... 742 00:41:30,080 --> 00:41:32,080 THE COFFEE MUG THAT SAYS "JESUS." 743 00:41:32,150 --> 00:41:34,720 OH, RIGHT. RIGHT. PRETTY OBVIOUS. 744 00:41:34,790 --> 00:41:36,790 GREAT. LET'S KISS ON IT. 745 00:41:36,860 --> 00:41:39,260 COME HERE, YOU. [ Chuckles ] 746 00:41:39,330 --> 00:41:41,930 [ Grunting ] 747 00:41:41,990 --> 00:41:45,300 [ Screams ] OH! YOU BLEEDIN'? YEAH, YOU'RE BLEEDIN'. 748 00:41:47,400 --> 00:41:49,400 DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE GOIN' TO CALIFORNIA ON THAT. 749 00:41:49,470 --> 00:41:51,900 BICYCLING IS HARD, BUT IT HAS ITS BENEFITS. 750 00:41:51,970 --> 00:41:55,540 DID YOU KNOW LANCE ARMSTRONG IS DATING SHERYL CROW? 751 00:41:55,610 --> 00:41:58,540 YOU KNOW, IT REALLY SPEAKS TO HER CHARACTER THAT SHE CAN GET PAST... 752 00:41:58,610 --> 00:42:00,610 THE WHOLE "HE HAD CANCER" THING... 753 00:42:00,680 --> 00:42:02,810 AND STILL FIND HIM SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE. 754 00:42:02,880 --> 00:42:05,320 REALLY SPEAKS TO HER CHARACTER. I-I RESPECT THAT. 755 00:42:05,390 --> 00:42:07,450 HEY, BRIAN, WHAT DO YA THINK OF MY SIGN? 756 00:42:07,520 --> 00:42:11,390 "QUAGMIRE'S CROSS-COUNTRY TOUR." UH, ISN'T THERE AN "O" IN "COUNTRY"? 757 00:42:11,460 --> 00:42:14,790 NOPE. LOOK OUT, CALIFORNIA. HERE I COME. [ Chuckles ] 758 00:42:14,860 --> 00:42:16,930 [ Gasps ] CALIFORNIA! 759 00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:19,060 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WELL, YOU HEARD CAPTAIN SYPHILIS. 760 00:42:19,130 --> 00:42:22,430 WE'RE GOING TO CALIFORNIA. OH, COME ON. YOU CAN'T GO ALONE WITH QUAGMIRE. 761 00:42:22,500 --> 00:42:26,870 LOOK, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. IF YOU'RE SERIOUS ABOUT THIS, [ Sighs ] I'LL GO WITH YOU. 762 00:42:26,940 --> 00:42:29,010 ALTHOUGH I SHOULD PROBABLY ASK PETER AND LOIS IF IT'S OKAY. 763 00:42:29,080 --> 00:42:31,840 - OH, THEY WON'T EVEN KNOW WE'RE GONE. - [ Beeping ] 764 00:42:31,910 --> 00:42:34,680 [ Mechanically ] DAMN YOU, VILE WOMAN! BLAST! WHAT THE DEUCE? 765 00:42:34,750 --> 00:42:37,410 I AM A TOOL. STEWIE IS MUCH BETTER THAN ME AT EVERYTHING, 766 00:42:37,480 --> 00:42:39,550 INCLUDING ARTS AND CRAFTS AND THE GUITAR. 767 00:42:39,620 --> 00:42:41,690 I HAVE NO FRIENDS. 768 00:42:41,750 --> 00:42:45,420 - GLAD YOU GUYS ARE JOININ' ME. - [ Stewie ] DID YOU GUYS SEE THREE MEN AND A BABY? 769 00:42:45,490 --> 00:42:48,590 [ Brian ] YEAH. [ Stewie ] THERE'S A GHOST IN THERE BEHIND THE WINDOW. 770 00:42:48,660 --> 00:42:50,800 [ Brian ] THAT'S AN URBAN LEGEND. IT'S JUST A PIECE OF CARDBOARD. 771 00:42:50,860 --> 00:42:53,900 NO, IT'S A GHOST. I HEARD. YOU HEARD FROM WHO? 772 00:42:53,970 --> 00:42:56,000 FROM, UH... LOIS. YEAH, RIGHT. 773 00:42:56,070 --> 00:42:58,070 CLEVELAND? DEATH? NO. NO. 774 00:42:58,140 --> 00:43:00,200 GREASED-UP DEAF GUY? HE SAID THAT? 775 00:43:04,680 --> 00:43:06,940 [ Quagmire Moaning, Blathering ] 776 00:43:07,010 --> 00:43:09,410 YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. [ Blathers ] [ Woman Moans ] 777 00:43:09,480 --> 00:43:11,720 [ Both Giggling ] 778 00:43:11,780 --> 00:43:13,880 OW! DAMN IT! 779 00:43:13,950 --> 00:43:16,150 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOUR KNIGHT WAS AT KING'S ROOK SIX. 780 00:43:16,220 --> 00:43:19,320 NO, MY BISHOP WAS AT KING'S ROOK SIX. MY KNIGHT WAS AT QUEEN FIVE. 781 00:43:19,390 --> 00:43:21,390 NO, NO, NO. IT WAS-- YES. YES. 782 00:43:21,460 --> 00:43:23,530 NO. IN YOUR DREAMS YOUR KNIGHT WAS AT QUEEN FIVE. 783 00:43:23,600 --> 00:43:25,600 I WAS SITTING RIGHT-- I SAW RIGHT-- 784 00:43:25,660 --> 00:43:27,660 YEAH-- OH! LOOK AT THAT! LOOK AT THAT! 785 00:43:27,730 --> 00:43:29,730 NOW YOUR KNIGHT IS AT REFRIGERATOR FIVE. 786 00:43:29,800 --> 00:43:32,670 THAT'S REAL MATURE. YEAH, WELL, WHO COMES OUT A WINNER? ME. 787 00:43:32,740 --> 00:43:37,140 [ Makes Cheering Noises ] GRIFFIN ONCE AGAIN. 788 00:43:37,210 --> 00:43:39,780 [ Cheering Noises Continue ] UNDEFEATED CHAMPION OF THE WORLD! 789 00:43:39,850 --> 00:43:42,710 [ Cheering Noises ] 790 00:43:44,780 --> 00:43:47,520 YOU KNOW, SAN FRANCISCO IS A BIG PLACE. 791 00:43:47,590 --> 00:43:49,720 HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT HOW YOU'RE GONNA FIND THIS GUY? 792 00:43:49,790 --> 00:43:52,420 SIMPLE, BRIAN. LOOK AT THIS. 793 00:43:53,890 --> 00:43:57,660 MY GOD! THIS POOR FELLOW HAD RELATIONS WITH LOIS. 794 00:43:57,730 --> 00:44:00,330 THAT'S MORE DISGUSTING THAN MY COUSIN QUARK GRIFFIN. 795 00:44:00,400 --> 00:44:05,000 I'M WATCHING YOUR EVERY MOVE, QUARK, SO DON'T THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH ANY LAW-BREAKING. 796 00:44:05,070 --> 00:44:07,140 YEAH, YEAH. WHATEVER, MAN. I MEAN IT! 797 00:44:07,210 --> 00:44:09,470 YOU'LL HAVE ME TO DEAL WITH. OOH! I'M REALLY SCARED. 798 00:44:09,540 --> 00:44:12,040 I COULD MORPH INTO A GIANT PYTHON AND EAT YOU ALIVE. 799 00:44:12,110 --> 00:44:14,040 HEY, HERE'S AN IDEA-- 800 00:44:14,110 --> 00:44:17,050 WHY DON'T YOU MORPH INTO A GUY WITH SOMETHING INTERESTING TO TALK ABOUT? 801 00:44:19,120 --> 00:44:23,150 KIDS, YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE DECIDED WE'RE GONNA HELP YOU TWO GET OUT IN THE DATING WORLD. 802 00:44:23,220 --> 00:44:24,820 THAT'S RIGHT. 803 00:44:24,890 --> 00:44:27,830 CHRIS, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU HOW TO BE AN AFFABLE, DESIRABLE YOUNG MAN... 804 00:44:27,890 --> 00:44:29,830 WHO DOESN'T SMELL LIKE THE INSIDE OF A WOOL HAT. 805 00:44:29,900 --> 00:44:32,830 - WHY YOU GOTTA BREAK BALLS? - MEG, WHEN I GET THROUGH WITH YOU... 806 00:44:32,900 --> 00:44:35,530 YOU'RE GONNA BE BEATIN' GUYS OFF WITH BOTH HANDS. 807 00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:38,540 - THIS IS GONNA BE SO FUN! - HEY! ZIP IT. 808 00:44:38,600 --> 00:44:43,140 RULE NUMBER ONE: NO SPEAKEE UNTIL THE MAN SPEAKEE TO YOU. 809 00:44:47,050 --> 00:44:48,980 I SAY, ARE WE MOVING ON YET? 810 00:44:49,050 --> 00:44:51,510 JUST HANG OUT, LITTLE GUY. I'LL SEE YOU IN A WHILE. 811 00:44:51,580 --> 00:44:54,750 OH, VERY WELL. I SUPPOSE I'LL GO PUMP THE CHEMICAL TOILET. 812 00:44:54,820 --> 00:44:57,290 APPARENTLY YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO THE SAME. 813 00:44:59,690 --> 00:45:02,230 WHAT THE HELL IS TAKING HIM SO LONG? 814 00:45:02,290 --> 00:45:04,560 I'M MISSING PRECIOUS TIME WITH MY FATHER. 815 00:45:04,630 --> 00:45:07,130 WHICH ONE OF THESE IS THE HORN? 816 00:45:07,200 --> 00:45:09,000 THAT'S NOT IT. 817 00:45:09,070 --> 00:45:10,900 THAT'S NOT IT EITHER. 818 00:45:12,200 --> 00:45:15,540 DO SOMETHING. I'M AFRAID TO PRESS ANYTHING ELSE. 819 00:45:16,810 --> 00:45:19,580 OKAY, MEG, LESSON ONE FOR ATTRACTING A MAN. 820 00:45:19,650 --> 00:45:23,050 - I WANT YOU TO SHAVE MY BACK. - EEW! WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT? 821 00:45:23,120 --> 00:45:27,750 TRUST ME, MEG. SHAVE A MAN'S BACK FOR HIM AND HE'LL PURR LIKE A WALRUS. 822 00:45:27,820 --> 00:45:30,320 [ Purring Like Walrus ] 823 00:45:32,560 --> 00:45:35,490 ALL RIGHT, CHRIS, NOW THAT WE'VE TALKED ABOUT KISSING AND CUDDLING, 824 00:45:35,560 --> 00:45:38,330 IT'S TIME TO PRACTICE EATING OUT... 825 00:45:38,400 --> 00:45:40,460 AT A FANCY RESTAURANT! 826 00:45:45,870 --> 00:45:47,940 ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT. 827 00:45:48,010 --> 00:45:50,940 LISTEN, YOU PERVERT, WHAT THE DEVIL IS TAKING SO LO-- 828 00:45:51,010 --> 00:45:53,380 - GOOD LORD! - OH, STEWIE. THANK GOD. 829 00:45:53,450 --> 00:45:56,150 THAT CLEANING LADY CLEANED ME OUT. SHE TOOK ALL MY MONEY. 830 00:45:56,220 --> 00:45:58,280 GRAB THOSE KEYS OVER THERE, WILL YA? 831 00:45:58,350 --> 00:46:00,280 WHAT, THESE KEYS? THESE KEYS HERE? 832 00:46:00,350 --> 00:46:02,220 THESE THE ONES YOU WANT? HMM? 833 00:46:02,290 --> 00:46:04,150 UP YOURS! 834 00:46:04,220 --> 00:46:07,060 [ Engine Starts ] 835 00:46:08,330 --> 00:46:11,260 WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? WHERE'S QUAGMIRE? 836 00:46:11,330 --> 00:46:14,160 HE SAID TO GO WITHOUT HIM. WE'RE STEALING THE WINNEBAGO, AREN'T WE? 837 00:46:14,230 --> 00:46:16,230 OH, YOU CAN READ ME LIKE A BOOK, BRIAN. 838 00:46:16,300 --> 00:46:18,240 BREAKER-BREAKER, SIDEWINDER. THIS IS PARTY POOPER. 839 00:46:18,300 --> 00:46:20,240 DON'T WANT TO BE A RATCHET JAW, 840 00:46:20,310 --> 00:46:23,010 BUT LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT A SEAT COVER FEEDING THE BEARS IN A CHICKEN COOP, COME ON. 841 00:46:23,080 --> 00:46:24,670 ♪♪ [ Country ] 842 00:46:24,740 --> 00:46:28,850 ♪ EASTBOUND AND DOWN LOADED UP AND TRUCKIN' ♪ 843 00:46:28,910 --> 00:46:31,620 ♪ WE GONNA DO WHAT THEY SAY CAN'T BE DONE ♪♪ 844 00:46:32,950 --> 00:46:34,880 DAD, WHY ARE WE JUST SITTING HERE? 845 00:46:34,950 --> 00:46:36,890 JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE, MEG. 846 00:46:36,960 --> 00:46:40,320 WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE LEARNING ABOUT DATING FROM-- AHH. 847 00:46:40,390 --> 00:46:42,830 OH, MY GOD, DAD! YOU FARTED! 848 00:46:42,890 --> 00:46:45,830 THAT IS SO NASTY! [ Groaning ] NO! NO, NO, MEG! 849 00:46:45,900 --> 00:46:47,830 MEG, THIS IS CRUCIAL. ALL RIGHT? 850 00:46:47,900 --> 00:46:51,730 THE SEXIEST THING A WOMAN CAN DO FOR A MAN IS LEARN TO LOVE HIS GAS. 851 00:46:51,800 --> 00:46:53,740 LOVE THE GAS, MEG. LOVE IT! 852 00:46:53,810 --> 00:46:55,740 [ Fart ] [ Groaning Continues ] 853 00:46:55,810 --> 00:46:58,240 NO, MEG! NO, NO! THIS IS WHY WE'RE HERE. 854 00:46:58,310 --> 00:47:00,740 THIS IS WHY WE'RE HERE. THIS IS WHY WE'RE HERE. 855 00:47:02,310 --> 00:47:05,250 CHRIS, YOU'VE GOTTA LEARN HOW TO TALK TO GIRLS. 856 00:47:05,320 --> 00:47:09,690 SO I'LL ASK YOU AGAIN: WHAT ARE THE NAMES OF THE WOMEN ON SEX AND THE CITY? 857 00:47:09,760 --> 00:47:12,790 UH... CARRIE, 858 00:47:12,860 --> 00:47:15,130 MIRANDA, UH, 859 00:47:15,190 --> 00:47:17,830 SAMANTHA AND, 860 00:47:17,900 --> 00:47:20,600 UH, SCRAPPY-DOO? 861 00:47:20,670 --> 00:47:22,870 HIT HIM, ENDO. AAAH! AAAH! AAH! 862 00:47:22,940 --> 00:47:25,770 BOSLEY? UH, TOOTIE? UH, SHEENA EASTON? 863 00:47:25,840 --> 00:47:27,840 AAAH! AAAH! 864 00:47:29,410 --> 00:47:31,540 THINK WE SHOULD GO BACK FOR QUAGMIRE? 865 00:47:31,610 --> 00:47:33,780 HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT. HE'S RESOURCEFUL. 866 00:47:33,850 --> 00:47:36,450 [ Grunting ] 867 00:47:38,450 --> 00:47:40,850 DAMN IT! [ Dial Tone ] 868 00:47:42,150 --> 00:47:44,590 [ TV: Woman ] YEAH! OKAY! YEAH! 869 00:47:44,660 --> 00:47:47,590 [ TV: Man Panting ] [ TV: Woman ] THAT'S IT! AGAIN! YEAH! 870 00:47:47,660 --> 00:47:49,460 [ Beep Dialing ] 871 00:47:49,530 --> 00:47:51,090 ALL RIGHT! 872 00:47:56,940 --> 00:47:58,870 ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? NEVER BETTER! 873 00:47:58,940 --> 00:48:01,870 I GOT SOME PEP PILLS FROM A TRUCKER AT THE LAST STOP! 874 00:48:01,940 --> 00:48:04,070 KEEPS ME AWAKE! YOU TOOK PILLS? 875 00:48:04,140 --> 00:48:07,540 WEST COAST TURNAROUNDS! TRUCKER SAID TO ONLY TAKE ONE, BUT I TOOK ALL OF THEM! 876 00:48:07,610 --> 00:48:09,650 MAYBE YOU SHOULD SLOW DOWN. WHY? WE'RE MAKING GOOD TIME! 877 00:48:09,720 --> 00:48:11,650 WE'RE NOT EVEN ON THE ROAD! HUH? 878 00:48:11,720 --> 00:48:14,150 - I SAID, WE'RE NOT EVEN ON THE ROAD! - DON'T NEED TO BE! 879 00:48:14,220 --> 00:48:16,050 COMPASS SAYS WEST. THAT'S WHERE WE'RE HEADED. 880 00:48:16,120 --> 00:48:18,560 STEWIE, WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT. I KNOW! 881 00:48:18,620 --> 00:48:21,560 IMAGINE THE NADS ON THOSE GUYS WHO DID THIS ON A WAGON! 882 00:48:21,630 --> 00:48:23,930 PIONEERS, BRIAN! WE SHARE THEIR SPIRIT! MANIFEST DESTINY! 883 00:48:24,000 --> 00:48:26,700 ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT. GIVE ME THE WHEEL. GO TO HELL! 884 00:48:33,510 --> 00:48:35,510 [ Gasps ] 885 00:48:37,580 --> 00:48:39,580 [ Snoring ] 886 00:48:45,550 --> 00:48:48,490 [ Sighs ] THIS IS HORRIBLE. 887 00:48:48,550 --> 00:48:52,260 I'M SO THIRSTY. OH, MY GOD, BRIAN. DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE? 888 00:48:52,320 --> 00:48:54,520 [ Brian ] A DR. PEPPER MACHINE? 889 00:48:54,590 --> 00:48:56,460 YES! OH, I CAN TASTE IT NOW! 890 00:48:56,530 --> 00:48:58,460 [ Panting ] 891 00:48:58,530 --> 00:49:00,630 [ Both Cackling ] 892 00:49:05,370 --> 00:49:07,440 DAMN IT. IT WAS A MIRAGE. 893 00:49:07,510 --> 00:49:09,940 OH, A RC COLA MACHINE. 894 00:49:10,010 --> 00:49:12,440 OH, THAT'S IT! I GIVE UP! WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 895 00:49:12,510 --> 00:49:15,450 I NEVER SHOULD HAVE ATTEMPTED THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE. 896 00:49:15,510 --> 00:49:17,950 IT WAS STUPID! HEY, HEY. COME ON, NOW. 897 00:49:18,020 --> 00:49:20,950 YOU'VE COME THIS FAR. HAVEN'T YOU? [ Sobbing ] IT'S NO USE! 898 00:49:21,020 --> 00:49:24,450 EVEN IF MY REAL FATHER IS OUT THERE, HE PROBABLY DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ME. 899 00:49:24,520 --> 00:49:26,460 [ Sobbing Continues ] 900 00:49:26,530 --> 00:49:28,460 YOU GOTTA SEE THIS THROUGH TO THE END. 901 00:49:28,530 --> 00:49:30,960 MAYBE THIS GUY IS YOUR REAL FATHER. MAYBE NOT. 902 00:49:31,030 --> 00:49:34,300 BUT IF YOU DON'T FIND OUT, YOU'RE GONNA SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WONDERING. 903 00:49:34,370 --> 00:49:36,300 [ Sighs ] WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT. 904 00:49:36,370 --> 00:49:38,700 COME ON. I'LL STICK BY YOU THE WHOLE WAY, 905 00:49:38,770 --> 00:49:41,200 JUST LIKE I DID WHEN WE WERE SIAMESE TWINS. 906 00:49:41,270 --> 00:49:44,670 HEY, LOOK AT THAT WOMAN, BRIAN. SHE HAS NO BUSINESS IN SHORTS. 907 00:49:44,740 --> 00:49:47,140 HEY! YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS IN SHORTS! 908 00:49:47,210 --> 00:49:49,880 OOH, TORTILLAS! LET'S DO SOFT TACOS TONIGHT. 909 00:49:52,850 --> 00:49:55,790 WELL, WE'VE TAUGHT YOU WELL, CHILDREN. IT'S IN GOD'S HANDS NOW. 910 00:49:55,860 --> 00:49:58,320 NOW GO TO THE MALL AND FIND YOURSELF SOME DATES. 911 00:49:58,390 --> 00:50:01,790 FIND A GIRL WHO SMOKES. REMEMBER, IF SHE SMOKES, SHE POKES. 912 00:50:01,860 --> 00:50:03,790 BYE, KIDS. 913 00:50:03,860 --> 00:50:06,330 DO YOU THINK THEY'RE READY, PETER? I DON'T CARE. 914 00:50:06,400 --> 00:50:09,900 ALL I CARE ABOUT IS THAT WE HAVE OUR ALONE TIME. ME TOO. 915 00:50:09,970 --> 00:50:13,540 ARE WE TERRIBLE PEOPLE? NAH, NAH. WE'RE NOT TERRIBLE PEOPLE, LOIS. 916 00:50:13,610 --> 00:50:15,610 HORSES ARE TERRIBLE PEOPLE. 917 00:50:15,670 --> 00:50:17,610 [ Choking ] 918 00:50:17,680 --> 00:50:19,710 MURDER! MURDER! 919 00:50:26,620 --> 00:50:28,850 WELL, WE MADE IT. SAN FRANCISCO. 920 00:50:28,920 --> 00:50:31,360 I BET THIS CITY'S FILLED WITH KOOKY ROOMMATES... 921 00:50:31,420 --> 00:50:33,620 LIKE THE KIND YOU SEE ALL LIVING TOGETHER ON TV. 922 00:50:36,190 --> 00:50:39,130 HEY, LION-O, WHAT'S GOING ON? I'M NOT SURE, CHEETARA. 923 00:50:39,200 --> 00:50:42,130 BUT I'VE GOT A BAD FEELING MUMM-RA'S UP TO SOMETHING. 924 00:50:42,200 --> 00:50:45,400 HMM. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. I'M GONNA USE THE JOHN. 925 00:50:45,470 --> 00:50:49,170 EYE OF THUNDERA, GIVE ME SIGHT BEYOND SIGHT. 926 00:50:51,340 --> 00:50:54,880 LION-O, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SNARF! SNARF! 927 00:50:54,950 --> 00:50:57,880 OH, HEY, UH-- NOT MUCH, NOT MUCH. 928 00:50:57,950 --> 00:51:00,920 [ Clears Throat ] YOU WANT TO GET WASTED OR SOMETHING? 929 00:51:07,760 --> 00:51:10,530 LET'S SPLIT UP AND TRY TO FIND HIM. 930 00:51:10,600 --> 00:51:12,030 [ Bell Dings ] 931 00:51:12,100 --> 00:51:14,030 [ Bell Dings ] 932 00:51:14,100 --> 00:51:17,530 YEAH, I JUST CHECKED IN. YEAH, I MIGHT LOSE YOU. I JUST GOT IN THE ELEVATOR. 933 00:51:17,600 --> 00:51:19,870 YEAH, I'M GONNA GRAB A SHOWER. 934 00:51:19,940 --> 00:51:22,540 D-DID YOU GUYS EAT YET? 935 00:51:22,610 --> 00:51:25,540 NO-- NO, I'LL-- NO, I'LL JUST TAKE A CAB. 936 00:51:25,610 --> 00:51:27,540 YOU GOT YOUR CAR? 937 00:51:27,610 --> 00:51:29,680 DO YOU WANNA PICK ME UP? 938 00:51:29,750 --> 00:51:32,680 DO YOU-- DO YOU WANNA-- DO YOU WANNA PICK ME UP? 939 00:51:32,750 --> 00:51:34,690 DO YOU WANNA PICK ME UP? 940 00:51:34,750 --> 00:51:37,550 DO YOU WANNA PICK ME UP? DO YOU WANNA PICK ME UP? 941 00:51:37,620 --> 00:51:39,790 ♪♪ [ Whistling ] 942 00:51:45,160 --> 00:51:47,700 [ Gasps ] FATHER! 943 00:52:01,450 --> 00:52:04,310 [ Chattering In Jawa ] AAH! UTEDI! UTEDI! 944 00:52:04,380 --> 00:52:06,380 FILTHY CREATURES. 945 00:52:23,770 --> 00:52:25,700 WHOA-OHH! 946 00:52:25,770 --> 00:52:28,200 DAMN! WHY IS THERE ALWAYS A FRUIT STAND? 947 00:52:28,270 --> 00:52:30,210 [ Radio: Man ] HIGH-SPEED PURSUIT IN PROGRESS... 948 00:52:30,280 --> 00:52:32,210 HEADED SOUTH ON POWELL TOWARD MARKET STREET. 949 00:52:32,280 --> 00:52:35,110 YOU HEARD HIM, PEOPLE. POWELL AND MARKET. MOVE IT! 950 00:52:37,220 --> 00:52:40,150 [ Sighs ] I FEEL LIKE I'VE SEARCHED THIS WHOLE BLOODY CITY. 951 00:52:40,220 --> 00:52:43,650 I SUPPOSE THIS MEANS I'LL NEVER FIND THE ANSWER TO WHO I REALLY AM. 952 00:52:43,720 --> 00:52:45,660 OH, WELL. SEE YOU GENTS LATER. 953 00:52:45,720 --> 00:52:47,660 FREE TIBET. NO GRAPES. ALL THAT. 954 00:52:47,730 --> 00:52:50,990 DUDE, I COULD HAVE SWORN THAT NERF FOOTBALL WAS JUST TALKIN' TO ME. 955 00:52:51,060 --> 00:52:53,660 [ Bell Dings ] 956 00:52:53,730 --> 00:52:56,500 ARE YOU DONE WITH THE ARTS SECTION? OF COURSE. 957 00:52:56,570 --> 00:52:58,170 - [ Gasps ] - [ Gasps ] 958 00:52:58,240 --> 00:53:00,840 OH, MY GOD! OH, DEAR. 959 00:53:00,910 --> 00:53:02,840 OH, DEAR, OH, DEAR. THIS IS NOT GOOD. 960 00:53:02,910 --> 00:53:04,840 THIS IS VERY BAD. VERY BAD. 961 00:53:04,910 --> 00:53:08,510 OH, DADDY, I KNEW I'D FIND YOU! I KNEW PETER COULDN'T BE MY REAL FATHER! 962 00:53:08,580 --> 00:53:10,950 NO, NO, NO. YOU'VE GOTTEN IT ALL WRONG, STEWIE. 963 00:53:11,020 --> 00:53:13,020 STEWIE? HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME? 964 00:53:13,090 --> 00:53:15,850 BECAUSE I'M NOT YOUR FATHER. I'M YOU. 965 00:53:19,820 --> 00:53:21,760 [ Peter ] WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? 966 00:53:21,830 --> 00:53:24,760 [ Brian ] LOOKS LIKE AN INTERMISSION, A CHANCE TO STRETCH THE LEGS. 967 00:53:24,830 --> 00:53:27,260 [ Peter ] OH, MAN, I PEED IN THIS CUP FOR NOTHIN'? 968 00:53:27,330 --> 00:53:29,770 [ Chris ] DAD, I JUST KICKED OVER YOUR COKE. 969 00:53:29,830 --> 00:53:33,270 [ Stewie ] I LOOK ATROCIOUS! DID YOU SEE MY ASS? OH, MY GOD! 970 00:53:33,340 --> 00:53:36,640 [ Meg ] THIS STINKS! I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY CUT MY WHOLE SEX SCENE! 971 00:53:36,710 --> 00:53:38,640 IT WAS SO TASTEFULLY DONE! 972 00:53:38,710 --> 00:53:41,650 [ Lois ] PETER, COULD YOU GO TO THE CONCESSION STAND? I WANT SOMETHING TO SUCK ON. 973 00:53:41,710 --> 00:53:43,650 [ Quagmire ] GIGGEDY-GIGGEDY! 974 00:53:43,720 --> 00:53:47,150 [ Cleveland ] HEY, QUAGMIRE, YOU THINK WE GOT TIME TO GO OUTSIDE AND BURN ONE? 975 00:53:47,220 --> 00:53:49,650 [ Quagmire ] IT'S NOT OVER YET? HOW LONG IS THIS THING? 976 00:53:49,720 --> 00:53:53,660 [ Herbert ] CHRIS, DO YOU HAVE A SHOWER SCENE? OR DO I HAVE TO KEEP DREAMIN'? 977 00:53:53,730 --> 00:53:55,660 MMM. 978 00:53:55,730 --> 00:53:57,530 [ Brian ] ALL RIGHT, WE'RE BACK. 979 00:54:01,470 --> 00:54:03,330 YOU'RE ME FROM THE FUTURE? THAT'S ABSURD. 980 00:54:03,400 --> 00:54:05,340 I'M AFRAID IT'S TRUE, STEWIE. 981 00:54:05,400 --> 00:54:07,840 I'M THE MAN YOU DREAMED YOU'D BE WHEN YOU WERE ALONE IN YOUR BEDROOM... 982 00:54:07,910 --> 00:54:10,940 PLANNING WORLD DOMINATION AND SINGING DONNA SUMMER INTO YOUR HAIRBRUSH. 983 00:54:11,010 --> 00:54:13,540 ♪ TELL HIM TO JUST GET OUT ♪ 984 00:54:13,610 --> 00:54:16,210 ♪ NOTHIN' LEFT TO TALK ABOUT ♪ 985 00:54:16,280 --> 00:54:19,020 ♪ PACK HIS RAINCOAT SHOW HIM OUT ♪ 986 00:54:19,080 --> 00:54:22,890 ♪ JUST LOOK HIM IN THE EYES AND SIMPLY SHOUT ♪ 987 00:54:22,950 --> 00:54:24,990 [ Both ] ♪ ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH ♪ 988 00:54:25,060 --> 00:54:29,060 ♪ I CAN'T GO ON I CAN'T GO ON NO MORE NOW ♪ 989 00:54:29,130 --> 00:54:30,930 ♪ ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH ♪ 990 00:54:31,000 --> 00:54:35,300 ♪ I WANT HIM OUT I WANT HIM OUT THAT DOOR NOW ♪♪ 991 00:54:35,370 --> 00:54:37,300 [ Gasps ] IT IS YOU-- UH, ME! 992 00:54:37,370 --> 00:54:40,940 OH, GOD, I HAVE TO MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THE FUTURE. IS ALL FOOD IN PILL FORM? 993 00:54:41,010 --> 00:54:45,170 DO THEY HAVE FLYING CARS? DID THEY EVER FIND A SUCCESSFUL VEHICLE FOR ELLEN CLEGHORNE? 994 00:54:45,240 --> 00:54:48,180 I CAN'T ANSWER THOSE QUESTIONS. I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING TO YOU. 995 00:54:48,250 --> 00:54:51,150 - IT'S A VIOLATION OF THE TERMS OF MY VACATION. - VACATION? 996 00:54:51,220 --> 00:54:55,690 YES. IN THE FUTURE, PEOPLE TAKE VACATIONS NOT TO DESTINATIONS, BUT TO PERIODS OF TIME. 997 00:54:55,750 --> 00:54:58,450 JUST LAST SUMMER I WENT BACK TO VISIT JESUS CHRIST. 998 00:54:58,520 --> 00:55:01,460 TURNS OUT HIS ABILITIES MIGHT HAVE BEEN EXAGGERATED A BIT. 999 00:55:02,630 --> 00:55:05,630 ♪♪ [ Humming Vaudeville Melody ] 1000 00:55:22,410 --> 00:55:25,510 I'VE ALREADY SAID ENOUGH. I SHOULD BE GETTING BACK. 1001 00:55:25,580 --> 00:55:28,020 YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE ME. I MUST KNOW MY FUTURE. 1002 00:55:28,090 --> 00:55:31,520 SORRY. IT'S AGAINST THE RULES. GOOD-BYE, STEWIE. 1003 00:55:31,590 --> 00:55:33,690 SURPRISE! 1004 00:55:34,760 --> 00:55:36,690 OH, THIS IS JUST GREAT. 1005 00:55:36,760 --> 00:55:39,030 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! THIS IS THE FUTURE-- 1006 00:55:39,100 --> 00:55:41,230 WAIT A MINUTE. EVERYTHING LOOKS THE SAME. 1007 00:55:41,300 --> 00:55:43,970 WELL, OF COURSE. IT'S ONLY BEEN 30 YEARS. WHERE ARE THE MONUMENTS TO ME? 1008 00:55:44,040 --> 00:55:45,970 WHERE ARE MY LEGIONS OF FOLLOWERS? 1009 00:55:46,040 --> 00:55:50,240 I THOUGHT I'D BE ABSOLUTE RULER OF THE WORLD BY NOW, FAR AWAY FROM THAT HOUSE FULL OF IDIOTS. 1010 00:56:00,690 --> 00:56:02,550 [ Sighs ] 1011 00:56:02,620 --> 00:56:05,560 SORRY, STEWIE. I ABANDONED MY QUEST FOR WORLD DOMINATION LONG AGO. 1012 00:56:05,620 --> 00:56:08,560 WELL, AM I AT LEAST A CITY COUNCILMAN OR SOMETHING? 1013 00:56:08,630 --> 00:56:11,060 SORRY. OH, THIS IS NOTHING LIKE I IMAGINED. 1014 00:56:11,130 --> 00:56:13,060 I THOUGHT THE FUTURE WOULD BE DIFFERENT, 1015 00:56:13,130 --> 00:56:16,230 WITH JET PACKS, ECO-DOMES AND TV THEY CAN BEAM RIGHT INTO YOUR HEAD. 1016 00:56:16,300 --> 00:56:18,240 UH, GIVE ME MORK AND MINDY. 1017 00:56:19,470 --> 00:56:22,740 [ Laughs ] THAT'S NOT HOW YOU SIT IN A CHAIR! 1018 00:56:24,310 --> 00:56:26,240 I'M LATE TO SUNDAY DINNER WITH THE FAMILY. 1019 00:56:26,310 --> 00:56:29,250 YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT IN THE CAR UNTIL I CAN SEND YOU BACK. 1020 00:56:29,310 --> 00:56:31,750 WAIT IN THE CAR? I SHALL DO NO SUCH THING. 1021 00:56:31,820 --> 00:56:34,550 HEY, DID THEY EVER UNFREEZE WALT DISNEY? UGH. UNFORTUNATELY. 1022 00:56:34,620 --> 00:56:36,190 WELCOME BACK, MR. DISNEY. 1023 00:56:36,260 --> 00:56:38,190 ARE THE JEWS GONE YET? UH, NO. 1024 00:56:38,260 --> 00:56:40,160 PUT ME BACK IN. 1025 00:56:42,160 --> 00:56:45,100 PUT SOME PANTS ON. THE KIDS'LL BE HERE ANY MINUTE. 1026 00:56:45,160 --> 00:56:48,700 IN A SECOND, LOIS. I'M WATCHING THE BRITNEY SPEARS COMEBACK CONCERT. 1027 00:56:48,770 --> 00:56:50,300 HI, EVERYBODY! 1028 00:56:50,370 --> 00:56:53,000 I MAY HAVE LOST A FOOT TO DIABETES, 1029 00:56:53,070 --> 00:56:55,510 BUT I'M STILL SEXY, Y'ALL! 1030 00:56:55,570 --> 00:56:57,770 NOW I'M GONNA DANCE FOR YA! 1031 00:56:57,840 --> 00:57:00,340 ♪♪ [ Pop ] 1032 00:57:05,020 --> 00:57:06,950 [ Audience Screaming ] 1033 00:57:07,020 --> 00:57:09,720 [ Doorbell Rings ] 1034 00:57:09,790 --> 00:57:12,990 - OH, STEW. MY BIG BOY. - HELLO, MOTHER! 1035 00:57:13,060 --> 00:57:16,530 SHE'S STILL ALIVE? WHAT THE HELL, MAN? 1036 00:57:16,600 --> 00:57:18,530 I BROUGHT A GUEST. 1037 00:57:18,600 --> 00:57:22,400 THIS IS, UM, UH, PABLO, A CHILD FROM NICARAGUA I'VE BEEN SPONSORING. 1038 00:57:22,470 --> 00:57:24,470 MY! HOW WONDERFUL! 1039 00:57:24,540 --> 00:57:26,100 ME GUSTA NICARAGUA. 1040 00:57:26,170 --> 00:57:28,640 MMM, YES. IS THAT WHERE YOU GOT THAT LEATHER HANDBAG? 1041 00:57:28,710 --> 00:57:32,080 OH, I'M SORRY. THAT'S YOUR FACE! HA HA! OH! GOT YOU! 1042 00:57:32,140 --> 00:57:35,080 THIRTY YEARS LATER, I STILL FREAKING GOT YOU! 1043 00:57:35,150 --> 00:57:39,050 OH, GOD! I FEEL AS INVINCIBLE AS SUPERMAN. 1044 00:57:40,120 --> 00:57:42,050 HEY THERE, WONDER WOMAN. 1045 00:57:42,120 --> 00:57:44,050 FLYING YOUR INVISIBLE PLANE, I SEE. 1046 00:57:44,120 --> 00:57:46,420 [ Chuckles ] BOY, THIS IS AWKWARD. 1047 00:57:46,490 --> 00:57:50,060 I'M-- I'M, UH, ACTUALLY IN THE LAVATORY OF THE INVISIBLE PLANE. 1048 00:57:50,130 --> 00:57:53,400 OH. YOU MEAN, RIGHT NOW YOU'RE-- YEAH. 1049 00:57:53,470 --> 00:57:55,700 [ Toilet Flushes ] 1050 00:57:59,100 --> 00:58:03,940 I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU DIDN'T WASH YOUR HANDS IN THE INVISIBLE SINK. 1051 00:58:04,010 --> 00:58:05,940 HI, EVERYBODY. SORRY WE'RE LATE. 1052 00:58:06,010 --> 00:58:08,810 STOP FUCKIN' APOLOGIZING. YOU SOUND LIKE A FUCKIN' WOMAN. 1053 00:58:08,880 --> 00:58:11,510 I SUPPOSE ONE OF YOU HAS TO. 1054 00:58:11,580 --> 00:58:14,820 - OH, WHAT A NICE BLOUSE, VANESSA. - CHRIS'S WIFE. 1055 00:58:14,890 --> 00:58:17,650 OH, THANKS. I'M NOT SURE MY TINY BRAIN COULD'VE PUT THAT ONE TOGETHER. 1056 00:58:17,720 --> 00:58:21,290 MOM, I NOTICE YOUR HEDGES ARE PUSHING OUT ONTO THE CURB, AND THAT'S A VIOLATION. 1057 00:58:21,360 --> 00:58:24,290 AND YOUR TAGS ARE EXPIRED, AND ONE OF YOUR TAILLIGHTS IS BUSTED. 1058 00:58:24,360 --> 00:58:28,300 I'M NOT GONNA RUN YOU IN, BUT I WILL IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME A COOKIE! 1059 00:58:28,370 --> 00:58:30,800 HERE YOU GO, SWEETIE. YEA! 1060 00:58:30,870 --> 00:58:33,670 YEAH, THAT'S WHAT THAT FAT PIG NEEDS-- A FREAKIN' COOKIE. 1061 00:58:33,740 --> 00:58:36,540 HI, VANESSA. WELL, DON'T YOU LOOK NICE-- 1062 00:58:36,610 --> 00:58:39,540 [ Groans ] OH, NO! I BROKE MY HIP! 1063 00:58:39,610 --> 00:58:41,810 YOU NEED SOME HELP, DAD? NO, I'M GOOD. 1064 00:58:41,880 --> 00:58:44,550 OH, ARE THESE THE PICTURES FROM YOUR TRIP TO SONOMA? 1065 00:58:44,620 --> 00:58:48,550 OH, MY GOD! OH, LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL THE COUNTRYSIDE IS. 1066 00:58:48,620 --> 00:58:52,320 OH, I'D LOVE TO GET A HOUSE OUT THERE IF I HAD THE MONEY! 1067 00:58:52,390 --> 00:58:57,160 THAT WAS A SWELL VACATION. MUCH BETTER THAN THAT TIME I WAS STUCK ON THAT ISLAND WITH BONO. 1068 00:58:58,230 --> 00:59:00,160 BONO, STOP SCREWIN' AROUND... 1069 00:59:00,230 --> 00:59:02,100 AND OPEN UP THAT DAMN CRATE OF FOOD. 1070 00:59:02,170 --> 00:59:05,270 I'M SAVING THIS FOR THE STARVIN' CHILDREN OF THE WORLD IN CASE WE GET RESCUED. 1071 00:59:05,340 --> 00:59:08,270 YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S US. WE'RE STARVIN'. NOW OPEN IT UP! 1072 00:59:08,340 --> 00:59:11,840 I CAN'T DO THAT, PETER. IT'S FOR THE STARVIN' CHILDREN. [ Sighs ] 1073 00:59:16,210 --> 00:59:18,150 AHA! 1074 00:59:18,220 --> 00:59:21,220 I'M JUST MAKIN' SURE IT TASTES GOOD FOR THE STARVIN' CHILDREN. 1075 00:59:22,220 --> 00:59:24,150 [ Moaning ] 1076 00:59:24,220 --> 00:59:25,960 KNOCK KNOCK. 1077 00:59:26,020 --> 00:59:28,960 - OH, HI, RON. - WHO IS THAT FELLOW? HE LOOKS SO FAMILIAR. 1078 00:59:29,030 --> 00:59:31,460 IT'S MEG. SHE HAD A SEX CHANGE RIGHT AFTER COLLEGE. 1079 00:59:31,530 --> 00:59:33,460 WOW! SHE WENT TO COLLEGE? 1080 00:59:33,530 --> 00:59:36,470 I CAN'T STAY TOO LATE. I GOTTA GO SHOP FOR A RAZOR. 1081 00:59:36,530 --> 00:59:39,370 YOU KNOW, FOR MY FACE, WHERE I GROW MY BEARD. 1082 00:59:39,440 --> 00:59:41,340 WE GET IT. YOU'RE A GUY. 1083 00:59:43,410 --> 00:59:46,840 - WHAT IS THIS ONE, MY PROM? - OH, YES. THAT'S SHIRLEY BLITT. 1084 00:59:46,910 --> 00:59:50,710 WE COULDN'T DO ANY DANCING BECAUSE OF HER CLUB FOOT, BUT THE PUNCH WAS DELICIOUS. 1085 00:59:50,780 --> 00:59:53,080 I THINK SOMEBODY PUT MANGO IN IT. 1086 00:59:53,150 --> 00:59:56,090 ISN'T IT FUNNY THAT I REMEMBER THAT AFTER ALL THESE YEARS? 1087 00:59:57,760 --> 01:00:01,020 WELL, THERE HE IS. 1088 01:00:01,090 --> 01:00:03,030 OH, THIS IS FANTASTIC! 1089 01:00:03,100 --> 01:00:05,300 THAT'S NOT REALLY APPROPRIATE, STEWIE. 1090 01:00:05,360 --> 01:00:08,300 OH, OF COURSE IT IS. I LOATHED THAT KNOW-IT-ALL, FLEA-BITTEN MUTT. 1091 01:00:08,370 --> 01:00:12,070 NO, IT'S JUST THAT THE MEANING OF THAT WORD HAS CHANGED EVER SINCE PRESIDENT DOUCHEBAG. 1092 01:00:12,140 --> 01:00:13,870 [ Cheering ] THANK YOU! 1093 01:00:13,940 --> 01:00:17,540 I JUST RECEIVED A CALL FROM MY WORTHY OPPONENT, SENATOR DATERAPE. 1094 01:00:17,610 --> 01:00:21,040 - [ Booing ] - NO, NO. HE RAN A GOOD CAMPAIGN, 1095 01:00:21,110 --> 01:00:23,550 BUT THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA HAVE SPOKEN, 1096 01:00:23,620 --> 01:00:27,620 AND THEY'RE SAYING THEY WANT FOUR MORE YEARS OF DOUCHEBAG! 1097 01:00:27,690 --> 01:00:31,220 [ Chanting ] DOUCHEBAG! DOUCHEBAG! DOUCHEBAG! DOUCHEBAG! 1098 01:00:34,290 --> 01:00:36,760 THAT IS SOME FUCKIN' GOOD DINNER, MRS. GRIFFIN. 1099 01:00:36,830 --> 01:00:39,030 [ Uncomfortable Chuckle ] THANK YOU. 1100 01:00:39,100 --> 01:00:42,030 EXCUSE ME. I'M GONNA GO HELP PETER WITH THE DISHES. 1101 01:00:42,100 --> 01:00:44,030 RON, STU, I NEED YOUR HELP. 1102 01:00:44,100 --> 01:00:47,540 I NEED YOU TWO TO TELL THOSE PARENTS OF YOURS THEY'RE MOVING INTO A RETIREMENT HOME, 1103 01:00:47,610 --> 01:00:50,540 'CAUSE MR. EMPTY SAC OVER HERE WON'T DO IT. 1104 01:00:50,610 --> 01:00:54,010 STU, YOU DON'T WANT MOM AND DAD TO GO TO A RETIREMENT HOME, DO YOU? 1105 01:00:54,080 --> 01:00:56,410 WELL, U-UH, IT'S, UH-- 1106 01:00:56,480 --> 01:00:59,420 I-- STU, COULD YOU HELP ME WITH THE DISHES? 1107 01:00:59,480 --> 01:01:01,420 BE RIGHT THERE, MOTHER! 1108 01:01:01,490 --> 01:01:04,750 ACTUALLY, VANESSA-- STU, I NEED YOUR HELP! THERE ARE DISHES EVERYWHERE! 1109 01:01:04,820 --> 01:01:06,760 OH, SORRY. MUST GO. 1110 01:01:06,820 --> 01:01:09,530 WELL, I CAN'T DO IT TO 'EM. THEY'RE MY PARENTS. 1111 01:01:09,590 --> 01:01:12,200 DON'T YOU EVER WANT TO INHERIT THIS HOUSE, YOU FAT FUCK? 1112 01:01:12,260 --> 01:01:15,730 OR AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS ANY DESIRE TO MOVE OUT FROM UNDER THE FREAKING POWER LINES? 1113 01:01:15,800 --> 01:01:17,730 WHAT'S THAT? OH, IT'S CANCER! 1114 01:01:17,800 --> 01:01:20,900 CAN WE PLEASE NOT DO THIS IN FRONT OF PABLO? 1115 01:01:20,970 --> 01:01:23,340 AH, DARN HIM! THAT FREAKIN' KID'S FROM GUAM. 1116 01:01:23,410 --> 01:01:25,340 PROBABLY ONLY SPEAKS SPANISH OR SOME SHIT. 1117 01:01:25,410 --> 01:01:28,580 LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, 'NESSA-- A BULLET SOUNDS THE SAME IN EVERY LANGUAGE. 1118 01:01:28,650 --> 01:01:31,150 SO STICK A FUCKING SOCK IN IT, YOU COW! 1119 01:01:33,490 --> 01:01:37,420 YOU CAN CRASH AT MY PLACE TONIGHT, BUT TOMORROW WE'RE GOING TO GET YOU BACK HOME. 1120 01:01:37,490 --> 01:01:39,960 WELL, WELCOME TO CHEZ STU. 1121 01:01:40,960 --> 01:01:42,860 DEAR GOD, THIS IS WHERE I LIVE? 1122 01:01:42,930 --> 01:01:46,400 ALL ALONE IN A FILTHY HOVEL? WELL, I WOULDN'T EXACTLY SAY "ALONE." 1123 01:01:46,460 --> 01:01:48,730 LET ME INTRODUCE MY ROOMMATE. 1124 01:01:48,800 --> 01:01:50,730 HE'S SOMETIMES LATE ON THE RENT, 1125 01:01:50,800 --> 01:01:53,970 AND NEVER SHY ABOUT SHARING THE GAS BILL, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 1126 01:01:54,040 --> 01:01:56,440 DID YOU JUST MAKE A FART JOKE? 1127 01:01:56,510 --> 01:01:58,440 HEY, STU, GOT BIG PLANS FOR TONIGHT? 1128 01:01:58,510 --> 01:02:01,410 SURE DO, RUPERT. I'M FINALLY GOING TO ORGANIZE MY PHOTO ALBUMS. 1129 01:02:01,480 --> 01:02:03,350 YEAH, RIGHT! 1130 01:02:03,420 --> 01:02:06,580 I SAY, WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS LEG? OH, WAIT, NOW I REMEMBER. 1131 01:02:06,650 --> 01:02:10,250 YOU ARE GONNA SIT THERE AND TELL ME A FLAT TAX DOESN'T FAVOR THE WEALTHY? 1132 01:02:10,320 --> 01:02:12,760 NOT ONE BIT, AND IT SAVES MILLIONS OF MAN-HOURS... 1133 01:02:12,820 --> 01:02:15,260 THAT THE COMPLEXITY OF THE CURRENT TAX CODE WASTES, 1134 01:02:15,330 --> 01:02:17,760 WHICH YOU WOULD REALIZE IF YOU WEREN'T RETARDED. 1135 01:02:17,830 --> 01:02:19,930 HEY, GIVE HIM BACK. STOP THAT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 1136 01:02:20,000 --> 01:02:22,570 GIVE ME BACK HIS LEG. OH, YOU'LL GET IT BACK. 1137 01:02:25,470 --> 01:02:29,140 THIS IS MY BULLETIN BOARD WHERE I PUT ALL MY FAVORITE COMIC STRIPS. 1138 01:02:29,210 --> 01:02:31,140 SEE, LOOK. HERE'S THE LOCKHORNS. 1139 01:02:31,210 --> 01:02:34,980 MRS. LOCKHORN IS SAYING, "WE'RE NEVER GOING TO ANOTHER YARD SALE," 1140 01:02:35,050 --> 01:02:37,980 BECAUSE MR. LOCKHORN HAS CLEARLY PURCHASED A TUBA! 1141 01:02:38,050 --> 01:02:40,480 [ Laughs ] AND FROM THE LOOK ON HER FACE, 1142 01:02:40,550 --> 01:02:43,490 I'D SAY HE'S NOT PLAYING IT VERY WELL AT ALL. 1143 01:02:43,560 --> 01:02:45,520 [ Laughing ] YOU GET IT? 1144 01:02:45,590 --> 01:02:48,020 YOU GOT THESE FROM PARADE MAGAZINE? 1145 01:02:48,090 --> 01:02:51,590 YOU READ PARADE MAGAZINE? OHHH! 1146 01:02:51,660 --> 01:02:56,500 HEY, STU! IT'S MONDAY, WHICH CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING! 1147 01:02:56,570 --> 01:02:59,640 [ Together ] GO-GURT DAY! [ Laughing ] 1148 01:02:59,700 --> 01:03:01,640 OH, FRAN, THIS IS PABLO FROM NICARAGUA. 1149 01:03:01,710 --> 01:03:05,210 PABLO, THIS IS FRAN. SHE IS HILARIOUS! 1150 01:03:05,280 --> 01:03:08,640 HEY, PABLO. [ Laughs ] JUST KIDDIN'! 1151 01:03:08,710 --> 01:03:11,110 [ Laughs ] I TOLD YOU! SHE'S SO TWISTED! 1152 01:03:11,180 --> 01:03:13,620 WELL, I'D BETTER GET BACK TO MY DEPARTMENT... 1153 01:03:13,690 --> 01:03:16,220 BEFORE GENGHIS THE DAY MANAGER MAKES HIS ROUNDS. 1154 01:03:16,290 --> 01:03:19,820 GENGHIS THE DAY MANA-- IS THAT FROM SOMETHING, OR DID YOU JUST MAKE THAT UP? 1155 01:03:19,890 --> 01:03:21,820 I JUST MADE IT UP! OH-HO-HO! 1156 01:03:21,890 --> 01:03:24,190 OH! ALL DAY LONG. 1157 01:03:24,260 --> 01:03:26,860 WELL, I GUESS IT'S NOT ALL BAD. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 1158 01:03:26,930 --> 01:03:29,870 DON'T BE COY, YOU DIRTY HORNDOG. YOU'RE HUMPING FRAN. 1159 01:03:29,930 --> 01:03:33,370 TELL ME, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE GOTTEN INTO THOSE LANE BRYANT STRETCH PANTS? 1160 01:03:33,440 --> 01:03:36,370 WHAT? NEVER. DAMN RIGHT, NEVER-- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NEVER? 1161 01:03:36,440 --> 01:03:39,380 STEWIE, I'VE NEVER SLEPT WITH ANY WOMAN. 1162 01:03:39,440 --> 01:03:41,440 I'VE NEVER HAD SEX. 1163 01:03:42,610 --> 01:03:44,550 ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT! 1164 01:03:44,620 --> 01:03:47,550 I COULD HANDLE THE CRAPPY APARTMENT AND THE PEDESTRIAN JOB. 1165 01:03:47,620 --> 01:03:51,050 BUT NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME I'M A 35-YEAR-OLD, PARADE MAGAZINE-READING VIRGIN? 1166 01:03:51,120 --> 01:03:53,060 WELL, YOU, SIR, ARE PATHETIC! 1167 01:03:53,120 --> 01:03:56,560 SO FORGET ABOUT SENDING ME BACK, BECAUSE I'M NOT LEAVING UNTIL WE DO A COMPLETE OVERHAUL... 1168 01:03:56,630 --> 01:03:59,060 ON THIS SAD THING YOU CALL A LIFE. 1169 01:03:59,130 --> 01:04:01,460 CAN I STILL READ PARADE? NO, YOU CANNOT! 1170 01:04:04,740 --> 01:04:07,670 WE'VE GOT A BIG DAY OF OVERHAULING YOUR LIFE AHEAD. 1171 01:04:07,740 --> 01:04:10,170 FIRST WE'VE GOT TO FIX UP THIS APARTMENT-- STOP THAT. 1172 01:04:10,240 --> 01:04:12,170 WHAT? WHY ARE YOU STARING AT MY GENITALS? 1173 01:04:12,240 --> 01:04:15,010 I'M NOT ALLOWED TO TELL YOU ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR OWN FUTURE, BUT I WILL SAY THIS-- 1174 01:04:15,080 --> 01:04:17,010 ENJOY YOUR LEFT TESTICLE WHILE YOU CAN. 1175 01:04:17,080 --> 01:04:19,020 WHAT? I'VE SAID TOO MUCH. 1176 01:04:20,920 --> 01:04:22,590 SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK? 1177 01:04:22,650 --> 01:04:26,020 I'VE GOT TO HAND IT TO YOU. IT REALLY IS AN IMPROVEMENT. 1178 01:04:26,090 --> 01:04:28,520 AND YOU HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN THE BEST PART. 1179 01:04:28,590 --> 01:04:31,130 STRESS-RELEASE CANDLES FOR THOSE EXTRA-TOUGH DAYS AT THE OFFICE. 1180 01:04:31,200 --> 01:04:34,660 YOU DON'T KNOW THE HALF OF IT. ON TUESDAYS I WORK RETURNS. 1181 01:04:34,730 --> 01:04:38,370 I BOUGHT THIS BOOM BOX HERE, AND IT'S GOT THIS HIGH-PITCHED WHINE. 1182 01:04:38,440 --> 01:04:40,540 WELL, LET'S HAVE A LOOK. 1183 01:04:40,610 --> 01:04:43,240 [ Crying ] HA-HA! IT'S YOURS NOW, SUCKER! 1184 01:04:43,310 --> 01:04:47,010 ALL RIGHT, NOW THAT YOU'VE GOT A SWINGING PAD, IT'S TIME TO BRING FRAN BACK HERE... 1185 01:04:47,080 --> 01:04:49,340 AND, UM, YOU KNOW. 1186 01:04:50,380 --> 01:04:52,310 WHAT? WELL, I HAVE NO IDEA. 1187 01:04:52,380 --> 01:04:54,820 I THOUGHT YOU KNEW. NO, I HAVE NO IDEA. 1188 01:04:54,890 --> 01:04:57,820 YOU'RE THE ADULT HERE. I WAS COUNTING ON YOU TO KNOW THE MECHANICS, BECAUSE-- 1189 01:04:57,890 --> 01:05:01,360 WELL, LET'S FACE IT, AS A BABY ALL I'VE GOT TO GO ON IS BEER COMMERCIAL INNUENDO... 1190 01:05:01,430 --> 01:05:03,430 AND THAT MYTH ABOUT WHERE BABIES COME FROM. 1191 01:05:05,400 --> 01:05:07,700 OH, MY GOD! THE STORK! 1192 01:05:12,070 --> 01:05:14,000 WHERE'S MY BABY? 1193 01:05:14,070 --> 01:05:17,010 SWEETIE, YOU AND ME ARE GONNA MAKE THE BABY. 1194 01:05:17,080 --> 01:05:20,340 ♪♪ [ Slow Funk ] 1195 01:05:21,910 --> 01:05:23,850 WHICH LAW AND ORDER IS THIS? 1196 01:05:23,910 --> 01:05:27,520 THIS IS LAW AND ORDER: P.C.A.M.P.I.E.O.F.T.D.-- 1197 01:05:27,590 --> 01:05:31,190 PETTY CRIMES AGAINST MUNICIPAL PROPERTY IN EXCESS OF FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. 1198 01:05:31,260 --> 01:05:33,190 OH, THAT KID'S SPRAYING GRAFFITI. 1199 01:05:33,260 --> 01:05:35,860 THAT IS NOT GONNA BE CHEAP TO HAVE THAT WALL REPAINTED. 1200 01:05:35,930 --> 01:05:37,860 KIDS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 1201 01:05:37,930 --> 01:05:41,530 MOM, DAD, VANESSA WANTS US TO PUT YOU GUYS IN A RETIREMENT HOME. 1202 01:05:41,600 --> 01:05:43,530 BUT I THINK IT'S RIDICULOUS. 1203 01:05:43,600 --> 01:05:45,530 A RETIREMENT HOME? 1204 01:05:45,600 --> 01:05:48,070 NOW, VANESSA SAYS IT'S NOT THAT BAD, MOM. 1205 01:05:48,140 --> 01:05:50,910 SHE SAYS THEY HAVE PEOPLE THERE WHO WILL WIPE YOUR BOTTOM. 1206 01:05:50,980 --> 01:05:53,340 YOU GOTTA BE YANKIN' ME. THAT IS SWEET! 1207 01:05:53,410 --> 01:05:55,340 THAT DOESN'T SOUND RIDICULOUS AT ALL, MEG. 1208 01:05:55,410 --> 01:05:57,610 MY NAME IS RON. 1209 01:05:57,680 --> 01:06:01,920 OH, I WISH BRIAN WERE HERE. HE'D NEVER LET YOU PUT US IN A HOME. 1210 01:06:01,990 --> 01:06:04,920 OH, BUT AT LEAST HE'S IN A BETTER PLACE NOW. 1211 01:06:04,990 --> 01:06:06,920 WOW, LOOK AT ME. 1212 01:06:06,990 --> 01:06:10,430 HANGING OUT DRINKING WITH ERNEST HEMINGWAY, VAN GOGH AND KURT COBAIN. 1213 01:06:10,500 --> 01:06:13,930 STILL, IT FEELS LIKE WE ALL GOT HERE A LITTLE EARLIER THAN WE SHOULD HAVE. 1214 01:06:14,000 --> 01:06:18,170 WELL, I FINALLY COLLAPSED UNDER THE WEIGHT OF MY OWN GENIUS AND SHOT MYSELF. 1215 01:06:18,240 --> 01:06:20,170 I COULD NOT RECONCILE MY PASSION... 1216 01:06:20,240 --> 01:06:23,670 WITH THE WAY PEOPLE AROUND ME WERE LIVING, SO I SHOT MYSELF. 1217 01:06:23,740 --> 01:06:26,680 I HATED THE THOUGHT OF MY MUSIC BECOMING PART OF SOME BLAND CORPORATE MECHANISM, 1218 01:06:26,740 --> 01:06:28,680 SO I SHOT MYSELF. 1219 01:06:28,750 --> 01:06:32,410 YEAH, I, UH, I GOT INTO THE GARBAGE AND ATE SOME CHOCOLATE. 1220 01:06:36,090 --> 01:06:38,020 MY WORD! 1221 01:06:38,090 --> 01:06:41,520 YES, EVIDENTLY THE RAZOR WASN'T INVENTED TILL SOMETIME IN THE LATE '80s. 1222 01:06:41,590 --> 01:06:43,530 OKAY, THEN LET'S BEGIN. 1223 01:06:43,600 --> 01:06:46,030 AND HERE WE GO. AND WATCH MY HAND. AND ONE, TWO, THREE. 1224 01:06:46,100 --> 01:06:49,130 PUT IT IN, TAKE IT OUT. PUT IT IN, TAKE IT OUT. 1225 01:06:49,200 --> 01:06:50,900 ♪ I AM THE MONARCH OF THE SEA ♪ 1226 01:06:50,970 --> 01:06:52,770 ♪ THE RULER OF THE QUEEN'S NAVY ♪ 1227 01:06:52,840 --> 01:06:54,540 ♪ WHOSE PRAISE GREAT BRITAIN LOUDLY CHANTS ♪ 1228 01:06:54,610 --> 01:06:56,410 ♪ AND WE ARE HIS SISTERS AND HIS COUSINS AND HIS AUNTS ♪♪ 1229 01:06:56,470 --> 01:07:00,780 GOOD, YOU'VE GOT THE RHYTHM. NOW TRY IT WITH SWISS CHEESE. TAKE IT FROM THE TOP. 1230 01:07:09,790 --> 01:07:11,720 I REALLY ENJOYED THE MOVIE TONIGHT. 1231 01:07:11,790 --> 01:07:14,720 AND I'M NOT TIRED AT ALL. OH, YEAH? GOOD, GOOD. 1232 01:07:14,790 --> 01:07:16,790 I ENJOYED THE MOVIE TOO. 1233 01:07:18,400 --> 01:07:21,960 OH, HEY, I HEAR THEY'RE EXTENDING OUR STORE HOURS UNTIL 9:30. 1234 01:07:22,030 --> 01:07:23,970 OH, THAT'S, UM-- 1235 01:07:24,040 --> 01:07:25,970 THAT'S GREAT. 1236 01:07:26,040 --> 01:07:27,640 LET'S HAVE SEX! WHAT? DEFINITELY! 1237 01:07:27,710 --> 01:07:29,340 I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 1238 01:07:29,410 --> 01:07:32,840 WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I CAN'T GO THROUGH WITH THIS. WHY THE HELL NOT? 1239 01:07:32,910 --> 01:07:34,840 I-I-I'M TOO NERVOUS. 1240 01:07:34,910 --> 01:07:36,850 [ Fran ] I'M PUTTING IN MY DIAPHRAGM! 1241 01:07:36,910 --> 01:07:39,850 SEE? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS. GET IN THERE! 1242 01:07:39,920 --> 01:07:41,850 NO! NO! YOU LISTEN TO ME. 1243 01:07:41,920 --> 01:07:43,850 YOU LISTEN TO ME, STEWART GRIFFIN. 1244 01:07:43,920 --> 01:07:45,850 YOU MARCH IN THERE RIGHT NOW AND... 1245 01:07:45,920 --> 01:07:48,120 "INSERT YOUR PHALLUS INTO HER VAGINA." 1246 01:07:48,190 --> 01:07:50,190 GO! 1247 01:07:53,300 --> 01:07:55,730 I-- I'M SORRY. THAT'S, UM-- 1248 01:07:55,800 --> 01:07:57,730 THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE. 1249 01:07:57,800 --> 01:08:01,740 WHICH PART? THE EIGHT SECONDS OF SEX, OR THE 40 MINUTES OF CRYING? 1250 01:08:01,810 --> 01:08:03,740 UH, I GUESS BOTH. 1251 01:08:04,980 --> 01:08:07,910 DO I-- DO I GIVE YOU MONEY OR SOMETHING? 1252 01:08:07,980 --> 01:08:09,980 YEAH, I'M GONNA GO. 1253 01:08:13,050 --> 01:08:15,980 EIGHT SECONDS! THAT'S TWICE AS GOOD AS YOU DID IN REHEARSAL. 1254 01:08:16,050 --> 01:08:19,990 STU, I HEARD FROM JUAN IN CAR STEREO INSTALLATION ABOUT WHAT YOU DID TO FRAN. 1255 01:08:20,060 --> 01:08:21,990 INTEROFFICE SEX IS PROHIBITED, 1256 01:08:22,060 --> 01:08:25,160 REGARDLESS OF HOW HILARIOUSLY BRIEF AND UNSATISFYING IT WAS. 1257 01:08:25,230 --> 01:08:27,160 YOU'RE FIRED. [ Gasps ] 1258 01:08:27,230 --> 01:08:30,170 FIRED? OH, THIS IS NOT GOOD. OH, DEAR. 1259 01:08:30,240 --> 01:08:35,070 THIS IS ALMOST AS BAD AS WHEN PETER GOT FIRED AS THE FIRST DIRECTOR OF TERMS OF ENDEARMENT. 1260 01:08:35,140 --> 01:08:37,570 KIDS, I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT, 1261 01:08:37,640 --> 01:08:40,580 AND I CAN'T TALK FOR TOO LONG 'CAUSE I GET REAL UPSET. 1262 01:08:40,650 --> 01:08:43,080 I WANT YOU TO MAKE A LOT OF FRIENDS, 1263 01:08:43,150 --> 01:08:47,080 AND BE REAL NICE TO THE GIRLS-- THEY'RE GONNA BE REAL IMPORTANT TO YOU AFTER I'M GONE. 1264 01:08:47,150 --> 01:08:49,150 [ Peter ] SWEET. 1265 01:08:52,760 --> 01:08:55,690 OH, CHEER UP. YOU DIDN'T NEED THAT CRAPPY JOB ANYWAY. 1266 01:08:55,760 --> 01:08:58,860 YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SPEAK. YOU HAVE RUINED EVERYTHING! 1267 01:08:58,930 --> 01:09:02,870 NICE. I DONATE MY TIME TRYING TO FIX YOUR PATHETIC LIFE, AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET? 1268 01:09:02,930 --> 01:09:05,870 WELL, IT'S NOT THE FIRST GIFT THAT'S EVER GONE UNAPPRECIATED. 1269 01:09:05,940 --> 01:09:07,870 MERRY CHRISTMAS, SWEETHEART. 1270 01:09:07,940 --> 01:09:10,370 OH, PETER, THANK YOU! 1271 01:09:10,440 --> 01:09:13,810 AN ARCADE-STYLE GALAGA MACHINE. [ Chuckles ] 1272 01:09:13,880 --> 01:09:15,810 OH, THANK YOU, PETER-- 1273 01:09:15,880 --> 01:09:18,510 MOVE! [ Beeping ] 1274 01:09:18,580 --> 01:09:22,020 LOOK, ALL RIGHT, I'LL ADMIT THAT MAYBE THINGS HAVEN'T GONE EXACTLY TO PLAN. 1275 01:09:22,090 --> 01:09:25,020 WE'LL GO HOME AND REGROUP AND HIT 'EM HARD TOMORROW. 1276 01:09:25,090 --> 01:09:27,290 GOOD LORD! MY APARTMENT! 1277 01:09:29,360 --> 01:09:32,590 LOOKS LIKE THE CAUSE OF THE FIRE WERE THESE STRESS-RELEASE CANDLES. 1278 01:09:32,660 --> 01:09:35,260 HUH! ♪ IRONY ♪ 1279 01:09:41,540 --> 01:09:44,470 I DON'T KNOW, PETER. THIS PLACE IS PRETTY DEPRESSING. 1280 01:09:44,540 --> 01:09:47,480 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IT'S JUST LIKE OLD TIMES. HEY, CLEVELAND. 1281 01:09:47,550 --> 01:09:51,180 HELLO, 1282 01:09:51,250 --> 01:09:53,650 PETER. 1283 01:09:53,720 --> 01:09:55,650 HEY, JOE, HOW ARE THINGS SINCE THE OPERATION? 1284 01:09:55,720 --> 01:09:58,150 OH, GREAT, PETER. [ Chuckles ] 1285 01:09:58,220 --> 01:10:01,420 WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED I'D BE ONE OF THE FEW NOT IN A WHEELCHAIR? 1286 01:10:01,490 --> 01:10:03,430 I SURE DO MISS BONNIE THOUGH. 1287 01:10:03,490 --> 01:10:05,760 IT'S AMAZING THEY WERE ABLE TO GIVE YOU HER LEGS. 1288 01:10:05,830 --> 01:10:09,700 ♪ WHO WEARS SHORT SHORTS ♪ I WEAR SHORT SHORTS! 1289 01:10:09,770 --> 01:10:12,070 HEY, GLENN. HOW'S THE ARTHRITIS? 1290 01:10:12,140 --> 01:10:15,070 AH, NOT BAD. COURSE, SINCE YOU WALKED IN I'M FEELIN' A LITTLE STIFF! 1291 01:10:15,140 --> 01:10:18,070 GIGGEDY-GIGG-- OH! I JUST POOPED A LITTLE. 1292 01:10:18,140 --> 01:10:22,010 OH, THAT'S NASTY. 1293 01:10:23,850 --> 01:10:27,280 UM, HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I DO WHEN I'M FEELING DOWN? 1294 01:10:27,350 --> 01:10:29,280 I PLAY THE GLAD GAME. 1295 01:10:29,350 --> 01:10:32,790 I THINK ABOUT ALL THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME GLAD. LET'S TRY IT, SHALL WE? 1296 01:10:32,860 --> 01:10:35,790 UM... PINWHEELS. 1297 01:10:35,860 --> 01:10:38,930 A BIG WEDGE OF CAKE FROM THE FAIR. 1298 01:10:40,060 --> 01:10:43,030 A DOODAD TO WEAR IN YOUR HAT. 1299 01:10:44,140 --> 01:10:46,570 ALL RIGHT, I'M SORRY. IT'S ALL MY FAULT. 1300 01:10:46,640 --> 01:10:48,570 [ Sighs ] NO, IT'S MY FAULT. 1301 01:10:48,640 --> 01:10:51,210 MY WHOLE LIFE'S BEEN A MESS EVER SINCE THAT NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE. 1302 01:10:51,280 --> 01:10:53,710 - I MEAN, NOTHING GOES RIGHT-- - WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. 1303 01:10:53,780 --> 01:10:56,710 NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE? AT THE COMMUNITY POOL? 1304 01:10:56,780 --> 01:10:59,720 - BUT THAT WAS NOTHING. - WELL, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT AT FIRST. 1305 01:10:59,780 --> 01:11:03,120 BUT AROUND THE TIME OF MY 20th BIRTHDAY I STARTED HAVING NIGHTMARES. 1306 01:11:03,190 --> 01:11:06,120 THEN MY THERAPIST SAID I'VE BEEN SUPPRESSING SOME VERY COMPLEX EMOTIONS... 1307 01:11:06,190 --> 01:11:08,420 THAT MAY WELL HAVE CAUSED ME TO TAKE FEWER RISKS. 1308 01:11:08,490 --> 01:11:11,190 WELL, THEN, IT SEEMS THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO. 1309 01:11:11,260 --> 01:11:13,200 I MUST RETURN TO THE PAST... 1310 01:11:13,260 --> 01:11:16,200 TO ENSURE I NEVER HAVE THE CLOSE CALL WITH THAT LIFEGUARD TOWER IN THE FIRST PLACE. 1311 01:11:16,270 --> 01:11:19,200 OH, I JUST THOUGHT OF ANOTHER ONE FOR THE GLAD GAME. 1312 01:11:19,270 --> 01:11:22,970 THE FIRST SCISSOR CUT INTO A FRESH PIECE OF CONSTRUCTION PAPER. 1313 01:11:23,040 --> 01:11:25,040 OH, YEAH! 1314 01:11:27,110 --> 01:11:28,810 HERE'S WHAT WE DO. 1315 01:11:28,880 --> 01:11:31,810 YOU BUY ME ONE OF THOSE TIME-TRAVEL WATCHES, 1316 01:11:31,880 --> 01:11:34,820 AND I'LL GO BACK TO MY OWN TIME AND STOP THAT NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE. 1317 01:11:34,890 --> 01:11:38,520 I CAN'T AFFORD ONE. I DON'T HAVE A JOB. HOW HARD IS IT TO GET A NEW JOB? 1318 01:11:38,590 --> 01:11:40,590 EVEN I HAD THAT JOB AT THE AIRPORT. 1319 01:11:41,660 --> 01:11:43,590 JONNY QUEST. 1320 01:11:43,660 --> 01:11:45,590 OKAY. WELCOME ABOARD. 1321 01:11:45,660 --> 01:11:47,600 DR. BENTON QUEST. 1322 01:11:47,660 --> 01:11:50,100 ALL RIGHT. HAVE A GOOD FLIGHT. 1323 01:11:50,170 --> 01:11:52,100 HADJI. HMM. 1324 01:11:52,170 --> 01:11:55,140 UM, LISTEN, YOU'VE BEEN RANDOMLY SELECTED FOR ADDITIONAL SCREENING. 1325 01:11:55,210 --> 01:11:57,240 BUT YOU DIDN'T EVEN TYPE ANYTHING IN. 1326 01:11:57,310 --> 01:11:59,580 IF IT WERE UP TO ME, YOU'D BE ON THAT FLIGHT. 1327 01:11:59,640 --> 01:12:04,110 BUT, UH, I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES AND THAT LOVELY, UH, HAT. 1328 01:12:04,180 --> 01:12:07,420 SIM-SIM-SALABIM! YEAH, I'D CUT BACK ON THAT. 1329 01:12:07,480 --> 01:12:09,850 WE'LL HAVE TO BORROW THE MONEY FROM MOMMY AND DADDY. 1330 01:12:09,920 --> 01:12:11,850 AAAH! NEVER CALL THEM THAT AGAIN! 1331 01:12:11,920 --> 01:12:15,190 IT'S LOIS AND THE FAT MAN! DO YOU HEAR ME? YES! YES! 1332 01:12:15,260 --> 01:12:18,190 SMELLS LIKE HEAD & SHOULDERS. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE DANDRUFF. 1333 01:12:18,260 --> 01:12:21,130 EXACTLY! AH! 1334 01:12:23,670 --> 01:12:27,000 AND NOW HERE'S DIANE WITH A LOOK AT TRAFFIC. THANKS, TOM. 1335 01:12:27,070 --> 01:12:30,010 THERE WAS A MAJOR PILE-UP IN THE AMBULATORY WING THIS MORNING... 1336 01:12:30,070 --> 01:12:32,510 WHEN ONE OF THE RESIDENTS VOMITED IN THE HALLWAY. 1337 01:12:32,580 --> 01:12:36,110 AND IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS, I'M FAIRLY CERTAIN THAT FILIPINO NURSE IS STEALING FROM ME. 1338 01:12:37,110 --> 01:12:39,050 OH, HEY, YOU TWO. 1339 01:12:39,120 --> 01:12:42,050 WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE? LOIS, PABLO HERE NEEDS YOUR HELP. 1340 01:12:42,120 --> 01:12:44,050 CAN WE DROP THE WHOLE PABLO THING? 1341 01:12:44,120 --> 01:12:48,720 - DO YOU THINK I DON'T REMEMBER MY OWN LITTLE STEWIE? - YOU CLEVER, CLEVER SHREW! 1342 01:12:48,790 --> 01:12:51,290 STU, YOU COULD GET IN A LOT OF TROUBLE FOR THIS. 1343 01:12:51,360 --> 01:12:53,290 TAKE HIM BACK TO HIS OWN TIME. 1344 01:12:53,360 --> 01:12:56,230 WELL, THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE. I NEED A LOAN. 1345 01:12:56,300 --> 01:12:59,240 DONE. THIS IS A SECRET ACCOUNT PETER CAN'T ACCESS. 1346 01:12:59,300 --> 01:13:01,740 I NEVER COULD TRUST HIM WITH MONEY. 1347 01:13:01,810 --> 01:13:04,840 LIKE THE TIME HE SPENT MEG'S COLLEGE MONEY ON THAT MEDIEVAL CATAPULT. 1348 01:13:04,910 --> 01:13:07,540 [ Catapult Releases ] HEY! 1349 01:13:07,610 --> 01:13:12,480 EXCELLENT. THESE DOMINOES ARE SET UP EXACTLY AS I WANT THEM, RIGHT NEXT TO THE GOOD CHINA. 1350 01:13:12,550 --> 01:13:15,480 NOW I'LL JUST PLACE THIS PRICELESS FABERGÉ EGG IN THE CENTER, 1351 01:13:15,550 --> 01:13:17,990 RIGHT NEXT TO MY NEWBORN HEMOPHILIAC BABY. 1352 01:13:18,060 --> 01:13:19,650 [ Thud ] 1353 01:13:19,720 --> 01:13:21,660 HEY, THOSE YOURS? YES. 1354 01:13:21,730 --> 01:13:23,660 OH. THOSE ARE ALL REALLY NICE THINGS. 1355 01:13:23,730 --> 01:13:27,360 THANK YOU. YOU HEAR THAT, EVAN? WE WERE COMPLIMENTED. 1356 01:13:27,430 --> 01:13:30,370 TAKE AS MUCH MONEY AS YOU NEED, BUT THERE'S A COUPLE OF CONDITIONS. 1357 01:13:30,430 --> 01:13:34,870 ON YOUR WAY BACK TO THE PAST, MAKE SURE CHRIS NEVER MARRIES THAT BITCH VANESSA. 1358 01:13:34,940 --> 01:13:39,370 AND I WANT A PROMISE THAT I WON'T SPEND MY OLD AGE IN A PLACE LIKE THIS. 1359 01:13:39,440 --> 01:13:43,880 OH, BELIEVE ME, LOIS, I PROMISE YOU WILL NEVER END UP IN A RETIREMENT HOME. 1360 01:13:43,950 --> 01:13:46,950 [ Sinister Cackling ] 1361 01:13:59,100 --> 01:14:01,030 [ Sighs ] 1362 01:14:01,100 --> 01:14:03,030 ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS. 1363 01:14:07,710 --> 01:14:09,840 WELL, I SUPPOSE THIS IS IT. 1364 01:14:09,910 --> 01:14:14,340 I JUST HIT ME THAT IF YOU ARE SUCCESSFUL IN PREVENTING OUR NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE, 1365 01:14:14,410 --> 01:14:17,010 IT'LL TURN ME INTO AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT STU. 1366 01:14:17,080 --> 01:14:19,010 THEN YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO? 1367 01:14:19,080 --> 01:14:22,520 SINCE THE TIME LINE IS GOING TO CHANGE ANYWAY, YOU SHOULD GET REALLY FAT. 1368 01:14:22,590 --> 01:14:28,090 GO BUY A WHOLE PINT OF ICE CREAM AND SHOVEL DOWN THE WHOLE THING. I MEAN, JUST REALLY PIG OUT. 1369 01:14:28,160 --> 01:14:30,090 OOH, THAT'S BRILLIANT! 1370 01:14:30,160 --> 01:14:33,760 HEY, AND IF THE CITY THINKS I'M PAYING THIS PARKING TICKET, THEY ARE DREAMING! 1371 01:14:37,200 --> 01:14:40,200 NO, I'M NOT REALLY GONNA DO IT, YOU KNOW, JUST IN CASE. 1372 01:14:41,340 --> 01:14:44,170 GOOD-BYE, STEWIE. SO LONG, STU. 1373 01:14:47,980 --> 01:14:51,410 AND IF ANYONE HAS ANY OBJECTION TO THIS UNION OF CHRIS AND VANESSA, 1374 01:14:51,480 --> 01:14:54,480 LET THEM SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER HOLD THEIR PEACE. 1375 01:14:55,750 --> 01:14:57,450 UH, I DO. 1376 01:14:57,520 --> 01:15:00,790 [ Guests Shouting, Gasping ] 1377 01:15:00,860 --> 01:15:04,330 SO, DON'T LET THIS KEEP YOU FROM ENJOYING THE RECEPTION, 1378 01:15:04,400 --> 01:15:06,830 WHERE I'M SURE THEY'LL BE PLAYING THE CHICKEN DANCE. 1379 01:15:06,900 --> 01:15:09,670 SO ENJOY THE CHICKEN DANCE. 1380 01:15:11,070 --> 01:15:14,400 ♪♪ [ Funk ] DAMN! I OVERSHOT IT! 1381 01:15:14,470 --> 01:15:17,610 1974. UNIVERSITY OF DENVER. 1382 01:15:17,670 --> 01:15:20,280 I SAY, CONDOLEEZZA RICE GOES HERE. 1383 01:15:20,340 --> 01:15:25,910 DAMN! I AIN'T NEVER GONNA LET THE MAN GET ME DOWN, CRAZY CRACKERS! 1384 01:15:25,980 --> 01:15:28,680 BLACK PANTHERS STAND TALL! 1385 01:15:29,850 --> 01:15:31,790 MMM! 1386 01:15:36,890 --> 01:15:38,830 BLAST! THIS ISN'T THE POOL EITHER! 1387 01:15:38,900 --> 01:15:41,530 BUT AT LEAST I'VE ARRIVED ON THE CORRECT DATE. 1388 01:15:42,670 --> 01:15:45,930 ONLY 30 MINUTES BEFORE THE TOWER FALLS! 1389 01:15:46,000 --> 01:15:48,040 [ Beeps ] 1390 01:15:49,310 --> 01:15:51,970 DAMN! I'VE GOT TO GET TO THAT SWIM MEET! 1391 01:15:57,980 --> 01:15:59,980 HUH? 1392 01:16:03,690 --> 01:16:07,120 HI. STEWIE GRIFFIN. STEWIE GRIFFIN. HI. HOW ARE YOU? 1393 01:16:09,730 --> 01:16:11,660 HUH? 1394 01:16:11,730 --> 01:16:13,930 [ Gasps ] SMELLS GOOD. DINNER'S READY. 1395 01:16:46,630 --> 01:16:50,200 [ Gasping ] PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE MILKED THAT LANDING. 1396 01:16:51,770 --> 01:16:53,270 [ Panting ] 1397 01:16:58,010 --> 01:17:00,610 - [ Gasps ] - [ Beeping ] 1398 01:17:00,680 --> 01:17:02,540 [ Grunts ] 1399 01:17:02,610 --> 01:17:04,550 DON'T... PRESS THAT. 1400 01:17:04,610 --> 01:17:08,180 FUTURE... 35-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN... 1401 01:17:08,250 --> 01:17:11,050 FRAN! FRAN! 1402 01:17:11,120 --> 01:17:13,120 FRAN! WHAT THE DEVIL? 1403 01:17:14,430 --> 01:17:16,860 YES! I DID IT! I STOPPED THE TOWER FROM FALLING! 1404 01:17:16,930 --> 01:17:18,860 WHO ARE YOU? I'M YOU, FROM THE FUTURE. 1405 01:17:18,930 --> 01:17:20,860 FROM THE FUTURE? MY WORD! 1406 01:17:20,930 --> 01:17:23,870 DID THEY EVER FIND A SUCCESSFUL VEHICLE FOR ELLEN CLEGHORNE? 1407 01:17:23,930 --> 01:17:27,370 OH, THAT'S SO FUNNY. I ASKED THAT VERY SAME QUESTION AND NEVER GOT AN ANSWER. 1408 01:17:27,440 --> 01:17:29,540 WELL, THEN YOU'RE AS DISPOSABLE AS SHE IS! 1409 01:17:29,610 --> 01:17:31,540 OH, COME ON, MY LITTLE CHAMPION. 1410 01:17:31,610 --> 01:17:34,510 OH, MY GOD! AT LEAST HAVE THE DECENCY TO CARRY ME, YOU LAZY SKANK! 1411 01:17:34,580 --> 01:17:36,510 OF COURSE, IT IS COMFORTABLE-- 1412 01:17:36,580 --> 01:17:38,510 [ Snoring ] 1413 01:17:38,580 --> 01:17:42,980 HEY, THANKS AGAIN FOR EXPLAINING FOOTBALL TO ME, MR.-- SORRY. I DIDN'T CATCH YOUR NAME. 1414 01:17:43,050 --> 01:17:45,990 - [ Chuckling ] YOU CAN CALL ME RON. - RON, HUH? 1415 01:17:46,060 --> 01:17:50,260 YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS REALLY LIKED THAT NAME-- RON. 1416 01:18:07,680 --> 01:18:10,150 OH. OH. OH, COME ON. 1417 01:18:10,210 --> 01:18:12,150 COME ON. COME ON! 1418 01:18:12,220 --> 01:18:14,480 COME ON! OH! OH! THAT'S IT! 1419 01:18:14,550 --> 01:18:18,020 THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT. YES. YES! YES! 1420 01:18:18,090 --> 01:18:20,020 EAT MY DUST, CRASH BANDICOOT! 1421 01:18:20,090 --> 01:18:22,520 [ Floor Director ] TOM, YOU'RE ON IN TWO. GOOD EVENING. 1422 01:18:22,590 --> 01:18:25,360 FOR YOU PEOPLE JUST JOINING US AFTER FAST-FORWARDING THROUGH THE "MOVIE"... 1423 01:18:25,430 --> 01:18:27,360 TO GET TO THE EXTRA MATERIAL, 1424 01:18:27,430 --> 01:18:29,460 WE'RE COVERING THE FAMILY GUY WRAP PARTY. 1425 01:18:29,530 --> 01:18:31,470 WE'RE GOING LIVE TO THE DRUNKEN CLAM... 1426 01:18:31,540 --> 01:18:34,870 WHERE ASIAN REPORTER TRICIA TAKANAWA IS HAVING A FEW DRINKS... 1427 01:18:34,940 --> 01:18:36,940 AND REPORTEDLY LOVED THE MOVIE LONG TIME. 1428 01:18:37,010 --> 01:18:39,940 - TRICIA? - THANK YOU, DIANE. 1429 01:18:40,010 --> 01:18:44,680 I THINK "MILDLY ENTERTAINED" WOULD BE THE BEST WAY TO DESCRIBE THE REACTION... 1430 01:18:44,750 --> 01:18:46,680 HERE AT THE AFTER-PARTY. 1431 01:18:46,750 --> 01:18:51,190 HORACE THE BARTENDER HAS REALLY OUTDONE HIMSELF WITH THE DECORATIONS. 1432 01:18:51,260 --> 01:18:55,190 THERE ARE BALLOONS AND STREAMERS. 1433 01:18:55,260 --> 01:18:59,160 NOW LET'S GET SOME REACTIONS FROM THESE HUGE FAMILY GUY FANS. 1434 01:18:59,230 --> 01:19:01,160 HOW'D YOU LIKE THE MOVIE, SIR? 1435 01:19:01,230 --> 01:19:03,460 IT SUCKED. BIG WHOOP. WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT? 1436 01:19:03,530 --> 01:19:06,800 WHO DO I SEE ABOUT GETTING THE LAST TWO HOURS OF MY LIFE BACK? 1437 01:19:06,870 --> 01:19:09,810 IF I WANTED TO HEAR 81 MINUTES OF GAY BASHIN', 1438 01:19:09,870 --> 01:19:12,140 I WOULD'VE GONE TO MY FATHER'S HOUSE. 1439 01:19:12,210 --> 01:19:16,210 TERRIFIC. AND HERE COMES THE FAMILY OF THE HOUR. 1440 01:19:16,280 --> 01:19:19,410 [ Applause, Cheering ] 1441 01:19:19,480 --> 01:19:22,420 WILL THERE BE A SEQUEL? IS IT TRUE YOU'RE RUNNING FOR MAYOR? 1442 01:19:22,490 --> 01:19:25,320 DO YOU THINK CAPONE AND HIS CRONIES WILL RULE THE STREETS OF CHICAGO FOREVER? 1443 01:19:26,390 --> 01:19:28,760 I'M STANDING HERE WITH PETER GRIFFIN. 1444 01:19:28,830 --> 01:19:31,290 PETER, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR BIG NIGHT. 1445 01:19:31,360 --> 01:19:33,300 THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 1446 01:19:33,360 --> 01:19:35,600 HEY, HOW'S MR. EDDIE'S FATHER DOIN'? 1447 01:19:35,670 --> 01:19:37,600 [ Laughs ] THAT'S FRESH. 1448 01:19:37,670 --> 01:19:40,070 PETER, HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO THE ACCUSATIONS... 1449 01:19:40,140 --> 01:19:43,070 THAT YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE SERIES' CANCELLATION? 1450 01:19:43,140 --> 01:19:45,070 WELL, THE SHOW HAD BEEN ON FOR A WHILE. 1451 01:19:45,140 --> 01:19:49,080 I WAS TALKING TO ALAN ALDA, AND HE SAID THE SAME THING THAT DOC COSBY TOLD ME-- 1452 01:19:49,150 --> 01:19:52,980 THAT IT WAS MY FACE OUT THERE, AND I SHOULD TAKE CREATIVE CONTROL. 1453 01:19:53,050 --> 01:19:57,550 SO I DID. WE PUSHED THE ENVELOPE, CREATIVELY, AND I STAND BY MY WORK. 1454 01:19:57,620 --> 01:19:59,550 ♪♪ [ Drums, Maracas ] 1455 01:19:59,620 --> 01:20:02,560 PETER, CAN WE CUT? THIS ISN'T WORKIN' FOR ME. 1456 01:20:02,630 --> 01:20:05,560 WHO YELLS CUT, CLEVELAND? THE ONLY ONE WHO YELLS CUT IS THE DIRECTOR. 1457 01:20:05,630 --> 01:20:08,560 LOOK, IF YOU WANT ME TO DO THIS CHICK, I'LL DO HER. 1458 01:20:08,630 --> 01:20:11,570 BUT DON'T MAKE ME GO THROUGH ALL THIS BULL. 1459 01:20:11,640 --> 01:20:14,300 YOU'RE SHOWIN' A REAL UGLY SIDE, GRIFFIN. 1460 01:20:14,370 --> 01:20:16,300 DID I MISS MY CUE? 1461 01:20:16,370 --> 01:20:19,810 ALTHOUGH I PROBABLY PUSHED THINGS TOO FAR WHEN I DID THE INCEST EPISODE. 1462 01:20:19,880 --> 01:20:21,810 [ Stammering ] 1463 01:20:21,880 --> 01:20:24,050 HI, MOM. HI, CHRIS. 1464 01:20:25,650 --> 01:20:27,980 WRONG! IT'S WRONG! 1465 01:20:28,050 --> 01:20:31,490 STILL, THAT SAID, I'M NOT THE ONE WHO PUT US UP AGAINST FRIENDS AND SURVIVOR. 1466 01:20:31,560 --> 01:20:33,490 WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING SINCE? 1467 01:20:33,560 --> 01:20:35,860 I HAD A COUPLE OF PART-TIME JOBS THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT. 1468 01:20:37,330 --> 01:20:40,930 I THOUGHT YOU COULD GO IN THE SUIT, LIKE THE ASTRONAUTS. 1469 01:20:42,170 --> 01:20:44,100 I THOUGHT YOU COULD GO IN THE SUIT, 1470 01:20:44,170 --> 01:20:45,730 LIKE THE ASTRONAUTS. 1471 01:20:47,140 --> 01:20:49,070 HEY, I GOTTA TAKE A LEAK. PETER! 1472 01:20:49,140 --> 01:20:51,240 IF YOU OPEN THAT SUIT, YOU'LL DIE. 1473 01:20:51,310 --> 01:20:54,310 RIGHT, RIGHT. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, GET ME FIRED? 1474 01:20:54,380 --> 01:20:56,080 [ Zipper Unzips ] 1475 01:20:56,150 --> 01:20:58,150 [ Moaning ] 1476 01:21:00,020 --> 01:21:02,880 AND YOUR WIFE LOIS IS LOOKING VERY LOVELY. 1477 01:21:02,950 --> 01:21:04,850 HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE BACK? 1478 01:21:04,920 --> 01:21:09,360 IT FEELS GOOD. IT WAS A VERY DARK PERIOD FOR ME FOR A WHILE. 1479 01:21:09,430 --> 01:21:11,360 LICENSE AND REGISTRATION. DARN YOU! 1480 01:21:11,430 --> 01:21:13,360 DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? 1481 01:21:13,430 --> 01:21:15,360 I'M AFRAID I DON'T, MA'AM. 1482 01:21:15,430 --> 01:21:17,370 PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION. 1483 01:21:17,430 --> 01:21:20,370 MA'AM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS. 1484 01:21:20,440 --> 01:21:22,700 OWW! OWW! 1485 01:21:22,770 --> 01:21:24,770 [ Screaming ] 1486 01:21:27,010 --> 01:21:29,950 ♪♪ [ Dance Pop ] 1487 01:21:30,010 --> 01:21:31,980 ALL RIGHT! 1488 01:21:32,050 --> 01:21:34,380 SO, WHO'S GETTIN' MARRIED, HUH? YOU? 1489 01:21:34,450 --> 01:21:37,890 ALL RIGHT, SWEETHEART. WE'RE GONNA HAVE SOME FUN. 1490 01:21:37,950 --> 01:21:41,120 HERE WE GO! 1491 01:21:42,390 --> 01:21:44,890 ♪♪ [ Continues ] 1492 01:21:49,130 --> 01:21:51,470 [ Laughs ] 1493 01:21:51,540 --> 01:21:53,500 AAH! 1494 01:21:54,970 --> 01:21:57,910 HOW DO I KNOW IF I WANT IT IF I CAN'T TASTE IT? 1495 01:21:57,970 --> 01:22:00,170 DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? BONNIE FRANKLIN? 1496 01:22:00,240 --> 01:22:02,210 AAAH! [ Blows Landing ] 1497 01:22:02,280 --> 01:22:04,210 NO, YOU WERE GREAT! HA-HA-HA! 1498 01:22:04,280 --> 01:22:07,220 MY ANALYST SAID I SHOULD TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE TIME... 1499 01:22:07,280 --> 01:22:10,450 AND DO SOMETHING I'D ALWAYS WANTED TO DO, SO I COMPETED IN THE IDITAROD. 1500 01:22:10,520 --> 01:22:12,890 [ Dogs Barking, Whining ] 1501 01:22:12,960 --> 01:22:14,620 [ Exhaling ] 1502 01:22:18,030 --> 01:22:20,090 - [ Gunshot ] - [ Riders ] HYAH! HYAH! 1503 01:22:20,160 --> 01:22:22,100 WE GONNA TAKE A BATHROOM BREAK? 1504 01:22:22,170 --> 01:22:24,600 WE GONNA-- WE GONNA, UH-- 1505 01:22:24,670 --> 01:22:26,870 BATHROOM? OH, GOD. 1506 01:22:26,940 --> 01:22:29,440 [ Onlookers Cheering ] 1507 01:22:31,840 --> 01:22:35,440 SO I WORKED ON MY NOVEL AND SPENT SOME TIME GETTING TO KNOW MY FANS. 1508 01:22:35,510 --> 01:22:38,450 YOU KNOW, GIVE SOMETHING BACK TO THE PEOPLE WHO GOT ME WHERE I AM. 1509 01:22:38,520 --> 01:22:41,020 BRIAN, THIS IS MY FRIEND ANNE-MICHELLE. 1510 01:22:41,080 --> 01:22:43,680 ANNE-MICHELLE! HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DRINKIN'? 1511 01:22:43,750 --> 01:22:46,950 'CAUSE I SEE YOU ALREADY ORDERED THE HOT SAUCE. [ Laughs ] 1512 01:22:47,020 --> 01:22:50,560 HEY, BARTENDER, WHOSE LEG DO YOU HAVE TO HUMP TO GET A DRY MARTINI AROUND HERE? 1513 01:22:50,630 --> 01:22:53,060 [ Women Laughing ] NOW DO PETER. 1514 01:22:53,130 --> 01:22:56,700 OOH, HEY. FORGOT MY WALLET. CAN ONE OF YOU GUYS GET THIS? 1515 01:22:56,770 --> 01:22:59,700 UM, I DID A GUEST SPOT ON THE WEST WING. 1516 01:22:59,770 --> 01:23:04,510 IT'S NOT NORMALLY WHAT I DO, BUT I REALLY GOT A CHANCE TO FLEX MY DRAMATIC MUSCLE. 1517 01:23:04,580 --> 01:23:07,510 I GOT EIGHT GUYS FROM TALLAHASSEE WHO WANT THIS BILL PUSHED THROUGH. 1518 01:23:07,580 --> 01:23:10,510 WHAT'S THE LATEST ON THOSE REFUGEES? THEY OFF THE COAST YET? 1519 01:23:10,580 --> 01:23:13,920 WE'RE GETTING A LOT OF INTERNET CHATTER. WE CAN JUSTIFY RAISING THE THREAT LEVEL. 1520 01:23:13,980 --> 01:23:16,920 WHAT YOU DO ON YOUR OWN TIME IS NOT MY BUSINESS, 1521 01:23:16,990 --> 01:23:19,920 BUT, DAMN IT, WHEN YOU'RE HERE I WANT YOU TO MAINTAIN A PROFESSIONAL VENEER. 1522 01:23:19,990 --> 01:23:22,920 I NEED TO TALK TO JERRY ABOUT HOW WE'RE GONNA SPIN THE UNEMPLOYMENT NUMBERS. 1523 01:23:22,990 --> 01:23:26,290 GET MY WIFE ON THE PHONE! TELL HER I CHANGED MY MIND. THE BLUE DRESS IS FINE. 1524 01:23:26,360 --> 01:23:29,600 AND I NEED THE BRIEFING FOR THAT MEETING ON THE SITUATION IN ARGENTINA! 1525 01:23:34,340 --> 01:23:37,270 I FOUND IT! I FOUND THE CHEESE! 1526 01:23:37,340 --> 01:23:39,270 OH, BOY! CHEESE! 1527 01:23:39,340 --> 01:23:42,780 [ Laughing ] I LOVE YOU, CHEESE. 1528 01:23:42,850 --> 01:23:46,780 I DID A LOT OF THINGS, BUT THE THING I THINK I'M MOST PROUD OF... 1529 01:23:46,850 --> 01:23:50,090 IS WHEN I VOLUNTEERED TO ENTERTAIN THE TROOPS. 1530 01:23:50,150 --> 01:23:53,350 - ♪♪ [ Rock ] - [ Cheering ] 1531 01:23:53,420 --> 01:23:56,760 ♪ IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME ♪ 1532 01:23:57,760 --> 01:24:01,830 ♪ IF I COULD FIND A WAY ♪ 1533 01:24:01,900 --> 01:24:04,030 ♪ I'D TAKE BACK ♪ 1534 01:24:04,100 --> 01:24:07,230 [ Gasping ] ♪ THOSE WORDS THAT HURT YOU ♪ 1535 01:24:07,300 --> 01:24:09,570 ♪ AND YOU'D STAY ♪ 1536 01:24:09,640 --> 01:24:12,640 ♪ IF I COULD REACH THE STARS ♪ 1537 01:24:14,010 --> 01:24:17,650 ♪ I'D GIVE 'EM ALL TO YOU ♪ 1538 01:24:17,710 --> 01:24:19,150 [ Shouting ] 1539 01:24:19,220 --> 01:24:21,520 ♪ AND YOU'D LOVE ME LOVE ME ♪ 1540 01:24:21,590 --> 01:24:26,020 ♪ LIKE YOU USED TO DO ♪♪ 1541 01:24:26,090 --> 01:24:29,020 AND, STEWIE, WE ALL KNOW YOU KEPT BUSY. 1542 01:24:29,090 --> 01:24:31,030 OH, YES, IT WAS EXHAUSTING, 1543 01:24:31,090 --> 01:24:33,490 BETWEEN SHOOTING FILMS AND THOSE DAMNED TALK SHOWS. 1544 01:24:33,560 --> 01:24:36,500 [ Audience Laughing, Screaming ] HEE-HEE! 1545 01:24:36,570 --> 01:24:39,270 HA-HA! HA-HA! [ Keyboard: Cymbal Crash ] 1546 01:24:40,970 --> 01:24:45,310 I THINK IT WOULD HAVE TO BE... DARN. 1547 01:24:45,380 --> 01:24:48,010 [ Laughing ] [ Audience Applauding ] 1548 01:24:48,080 --> 01:24:50,510 AND WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CURSE WORD? 1549 01:24:50,580 --> 01:24:52,480 LISTEN, CARS AREN'T DESIGNED FOR WOMEN. 1550 01:24:52,550 --> 01:24:57,290 THE STEERING WHEEL WOULD HAVE TWO DENTS IN IT. WE BRING OUR OWN AIR BAGS. RIGHT, GIRLS? 1551 01:24:57,350 --> 01:24:59,290 [ Audience Laughing ] [ Sighs ] 1552 01:24:59,360 --> 01:25:01,360 ANYBODY LIKE CHEESECAKE? 1553 01:25:03,730 --> 01:25:06,390 WELL, WE'RE GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK ON THE AIR. 1554 01:25:06,460 --> 01:25:08,730 I'LL LET YOU ALL ENJOY THE PARTY NOW. 1555 01:25:08,800 --> 01:25:12,400 PETER, IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO SAY? YEAH, I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY. 1556 01:25:12,470 --> 01:25:14,400 YOU KNOW, WE KID AROUND A LOT HERE, 1557 01:25:14,470 --> 01:25:16,900 BUT THE TRUTH IS, WE CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER. 1558 01:25:16,970 --> 01:25:20,310 WE'RE EXCITED TO BE BACK BECAUSE WE WANT TO ADDRESS SOME SERIOUS ISSUES. 1559 01:25:20,380 --> 01:25:23,310 YOU KNOW, DO SOMETHING WE CAN ALL BE PROUD OF. [ Farts ] 1560 01:25:23,380 --> 01:25:25,550 [ All Laughing ] PETER! 1561 01:25:25,620 --> 01:25:27,620 [ Laughs ] STILL GOT IT! 1562 01:25:29,250 --> 01:25:33,020 THAT WAS ME. I USED TO THINK FLATULENCE WAS SOMETHING TO LAUGH ABOUT. 1563 01:25:33,090 --> 01:25:36,020 TRUTH IS, 300 MILLION AMERICANS A DAY... 1564 01:25:36,090 --> 01:25:38,030 EXPEL GAS THROUGH THEIR ANUS. 1565 01:25:38,100 --> 01:25:40,860 TO LEARN MORE ABOUT FLATULENCE, YOU CAN VISIT MY ASS. 1566 01:25:40,930 --> 01:25:44,030 [ Farts ] [ Laughs ] JUST YANKIN' YA! 1567 01:25:45,500 --> 01:25:47,570 [ Farts ] 144536

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