Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language from the outset and throughout.

# ARTHUR CONLEY: Sweet Soul Music #

# Do you like good music? # Yeah, yeah

# Do you like good music? # Yeah, yeah

# That sweet soul music # Yeah, yeah

# Just as long as it's swingin'...

Cardi, hurry up.

Don't forget your clean jocks. They're in the top drawer.

Don't forget your clean jocks. They're in the top drawer.

(QUACK) How about this?

(QUACKING)

Find this sexy, do you?

Find this sexy, do you?

I'm looking forward to this break.

(CHUCKLES) (QUACKING)

You look like a fucking eejit, you know that?

You look like a fucking eejit, you know that?

Do you know, I just want this weekend to be special for us, you know.

Mm. Like a reset, eh?

Yeah.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR) WOMAN: Lesley! Are you in there?

# BIG MAMMA THORNTON: Hound Dog #

Who are you?

Who are you?

Carol. Who the fuck are you?

Mum?! (GASPS)

Oh, thank God!

Glen?! Glen!

Glen?! Glen!

Glen, he's in here. W-Who's Glen?

You have to help us.

We've lost everything.

And the wedding's in two days.

And the wedding's in two days.

(WAILS AND SOBS)

(WHISPERS) What the fuck?

# BARRETT STRONG: Money (That's What I Want) #

We should've known a man called Diego wasn't a wedding planner.

So, they cleaned you out then, did they?

They left my art, thank the Lord.

They left my art, thank the Lord.

Could be worth a fortune, so, er... (CLEARS THROAT)

..silver linings.

That...that's lovely. You made that, did you?

That...that's lovely. You made that, did you?

Yeah. He does bespoke. I sat for that.

It's called Sated -

brackets - After Multiple Orgasms.

Lesley, will you help us?

Lesley, will you help us?

Will you help save our wedding?

Mum, I'd love to help, but I can't.

Me and Carol, we-we've got plans. We've got important plans.

Me and Carol, we-we've got plans. We've got important plans.

We're going away together. But we've got guests on their way.

One of my friends is coming all the way from Greece.

One of my friends is coming all the way from Greece.

And it's a pink full moon, which means fresh start.

We can't miss that. We'd have to wait another whole year.

We can't, can we, Glen? No, Paloma, love.

We can't, can we, Glen? No, Paloma, love.

I can't...I can't plan a wedding in t-two days.

She's unbelievable!

I think it's nice. She's come all this way to ask you for your help.

I think it's nice. She's come all this way to ask you for your help.

But...but, S-Sugar, s-she's not even invited me

to the f-f-fucking wedding.

And my s-s-s-s-stammer gets worse when she's around.

I'm not...I'm not doing it. If she's come to you for help,

your Mum, I worry that you'll regret not helping her, if you don't-

your Mum, I worry that you'll regret not helping her, if you don't-

But she only fucking comes when she fucking wants summat.

Mums and dads are shit.

What's the deal with Paloma? Cardi was only six

What's the deal with Paloma? Cardi was only six

when his dad died, right?

Then it's just Paloma and Cardi on their own.

Then she's fucked off when he was 17.

What? She just fucked off?

What? She just fucked off?

Yeah. Said she was going on a cruise with some fella

but she never came back. Aw, poor Cardi.

Mm.Cardi, we can always go away on another weekend, like.

Mm.Cardi, we can always go away on another weekend, like.

You didn't even like her, Carol. No, she's a wanker.

And a fucking wedding, as well.

We'll help you. Fucking we'll help you. We'll all help you together.

We'll help you. Fucking we'll help you. We'll all help you together.

# DUSTY SPRINGFIELD: Spooky #

(KNOCKS ON CAR) Ooh.

Fine. I will help you o-organise your wedding.

(GASPS) B-But I am doing you a favour

(GASPS) B-But I am doing you a favour

at m-mine and my wife Carol's inconvenience.

So, please refrain

from c-commenting on the following:

from c-commenting on the following:

my looks; my body;

whether I was responsible for you getting stung by a bee

when I was n-nine;

when I was n-nine;

my m-m-m-m...

Marriage.

Thank you, Carol. My marriage.

Oh, Lesley, I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Oh, Lesley, I knew you wouldn't let me down.

(GIGGLES) And I hear you.

And I respect the boundaries that you are nailing between us.

And I respect the boundaries that you are nailing between us.

Just quickly - while you're here

and seeing as you're gonna be best man...

Lavender and ergot tincture. For that stutter. Numbs the tongue.

Lavender and ergot tincture. For that stutter. Numbs the tongue.

Just one drop. And, darling, we both know...

the bee sting...

it was your fault.

# MOUSSE T FT. HOT 'N' JUICY: Horny #

# MOUSSE T FT. HOT 'N' JUICY: Horny #

(BABY CRIES)

What the fuck? Mum!

(CRYING CONTINUES)Liz! What the fuck are you doing?!

(CRYING CONTINUES)Liz! What the fuck are you doing?!

(MUSIC OFF) Oh! Hi, babe. How was it?

Can you not hear him?

Sunny's crying! Oh, yeah, I'm sleep-training him.

Sunny's crying! Oh, yeah, I'm sleep-training him.

All the books say just let 'em cry.

I used to leave you down the end of the garden, shut the door,

big G&T, dance around to Bananarama.

One night, went to bed, forgot all about you.

Well, I say bed. Passed out on the couch.

Woke up about 2:00, realised what had happened.

You were fine. I'm lucky to be alive!

You were fine. I'm lucky to be alive!

Yeah, you are!

Gratitude.

Gratitude.

OK, so you two, Ash and JJ, you're on cake.

Sugar and Meena, you're on Mum's wedding dress.And a suit for Glen.

Can I have you up on your feet, please?

Can I have you up on your feet, please?

I'm gonna give you a good saging for focus.

Carol, can you do the decorations? Me and Mum'll check out the venue.

Could you not just get married at the Crow's Nest?

Could you not just get married at the Crow's Nest?

I'm not getting married in a pub. It's bad karma.

What sort of decorations are we talking, like?

Oh, scented candles.

Something, um...calming.

Something, um...calming.

Sandalwood, cedar.

Love and light.

It's a bit more fags and despair around here, isn't it?

It's a bit more fags and despair around here, isn't it?

Oh, Carol.

That is a very bad energy.

Mum, can we stop reading Carol's energy, please?(SNIFFS)

Mum, can we stop reading Carol's energy, please?(SNIFFS)

I'm gonna find a dog, take it for a long walk.

Right, Vin, you're on the refreshments, OK?

(SNIFFS) Fucking smell.

(SNIFFS) Fucking smell.

(TENSE MUSIC)

Oh, fuck!

Oh, my God. Wait!

(LOCK CHIRRUPS)

# NIGHT BEATS: Shot Down #

(HORN HONKS)

(TYRES SCREECH)

(HORN HONKS)

(TYRES SCREECH)

(HORN BLARES)

Fuck off.

Fuck off.

(HORN HONKS)

Oh! (TYRES SCREECH)

(GROANS AND WHIMPERS)

Hey, stop. Look, I've seen you!

Hey, stop. Look, I've seen you!

(GRUNTS)Carol, stop! It's me. It's Keith. It's your husband!

(PANICKED GASP)

(PANICKED GASP)

This is where you want me to get married?It's beautiful.

A tourist hotspot.A muddy field next to a septic tank?

A tourist hotspot.A muddy field next to a septic tank?

You're the one who didn't want to get married in a church.

I can do a very reasonable price.

It is all that were av-v-v-vailable at s-s-s-short notice.

It is all that were av-v-v-vailable at s-s-s-short notice.

Alright, look, I'll phone Carol.

She'll make it nice. She's got an eye for artful decoration.

# PHIL PHILLIPS: Sea of Love #

(BEEPING TONE) (SIGHS)

(BEEPING TONE) (SIGHS)

Oh, the fucking signal here's shite. Look, are you taking it or not?

I've got people who need a site to bury their horse.

Look, horse graveyard or Crow's Nest?

Look, horse graveyard or Crow's Nest?

Fine! The Crow's Nest. But it will need a good saging.

Yeah.

Yeah.

# VERDI: Libiamo (from La Traviata) #

(LOCK CHIRRUPS)

(EXPLOSIVES BANG AND CRACKLE)

(MUSIC FADES)

What the f....

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(COUGHS)

What's this?

(SINISTER MUSIC)

(EXPLOSIVES BANG AND CRACKLE) Arh-ah! Arh!

Paloma, a couple of options. What do you think?

Paloma, a couple of options. What do you think?

(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)

It's all we could find at the charity shop.

And, look, we've got Glen a really nice little suit.Lesley.Yep.

And, look, we've got Glen a really nice little suit.Lesley.Yep.

Have you seen these? ASH: Hello!

OK, so, listen, we didn't manage to get

a proper wedding cake, I'm sorry. But...

We did find this. A big blue bake. It's got a Spitfire on top of it.

We did find this. A big blue bake. It's got a Spitfire on top of it.

SUGAR: Why's it got 90 on it? Let's just say I knew a man

who knew a man whose dad died this morning.

Right, we'll m-m-make it work. How about the decorations?

Right, we'll m-m-make it work. How about the decorations?

W-Where's Carol? I need my decorations, Lesley.

Have you seen her, Sugar? Not since this morning, no.

Have you seen her, Sugar? Not since this morning, no.

(BEEPING) AUTOMATED VOICE: Sorry, the person you're calling is unavailable.

Shit. Her phone's off. Perhaps she's been kidnapped.

Shit. Her phone's off. Perhaps she's been kidnapped.

So, what the fuck happened?

What do you mean? What do I mean?!

I've come all the way from Greece.

I've come all the way from Greece.

I haven't seen you for ten years, Carol. The last time I saw you,

you were throwing up in a fishbowl by the side of our bed.

Then - poof! - now you're here. I am so sorry, Keith.

Then - poof! - now you're here. I am so sorry, Keith.

Do you know how worried I was when you vanished?

Look, to be truthful with you now, Keith,

I woke up the morning after and I said to myself,

I woke up the morning after and I said to myself,

"We've made a fucking terrible mistake" and, you know, like,

I just couldn't face it. So, you just left?

Bam. No note. No explanation.

Bam. No note. No explanation.

No, I tried writing. What happened, you run out of ink(?)

No, I couldn't remember your address, so I just sent it to Keith in Paxos.

We weren't even in Paxos! It was Naxos!

We weren't even in Paxos! It was Naxos!

Oh, fuck, I was drunk.

Keith, I'm so sorry. I just didn't know what to say.

The truth, Carol.

The truth, Carol.

The truth is what you say. "I'm sorry, I've made a mistake.

I didn't wanna marry you. I've gone back home."

See, when I got back here, it seemed so far away.

See, when I got back here, it seemed so far away.

Then I thought, "He'll probably end up annulling the wedding anyway."

Keith, we barely knew each other. Carol, I thought you were dead.

I held a fucking vigil for you. 150 people came.

I held a fucking vigil for you. 150 people came.

They closed the banana boat out of respect.

The taverna had a wake for you. They spelt your name out in feta!

The taverna had a wake for you. They spelt your name out in feta!

Oh, I feel fucking terrible.

I'm fucking ashamed of myself.

Oh, I don't believe this.

I'd finally got to a place of peace.

Now it's like I'm right back there.

Now it's like I'm right back there.

How did you track me down?

I didn't track you down.

I'm just here for my friend Glen's wedding.

I'm just here for my friend Glen's wedding.

You know Glen?I taught him how to water ski a year ago.

For fuck's sake.

For fuck's sake.

Wait, how do you know Glen?

Are you going to this wedding?

It's cancelled. The wedding's been cancelled.

It's cancelled. The wedding's been cancelled.

What?It's just happened. I don't really know what happened.

They got robbed of everything, that's what it was.

You're better off knocking into Hawley and calling Glen, anything like that...

You're better off knocking into Hawley and calling Glen, anything like that...

And it's been called off. The wife, Paloma, she's after cancelling it.

She's a fucking nasty bitch. Awful fucking energy.

I'm gonna call him.No, no, don't... Don't do that, don't call.

I don't believe you. I'm gonna call him.No, no.

You can't phone him.What the fuck?! I can't let you go to that wedding!

You can't phone him.What the fuck?! I can't let you go to that wedding!

Are you out of your fucking mind? No, I'm not out of my mind. You cannot go to that wedding!

I thought it had been cancelled.

No.

No.

Why are you wearing a wedding ring?

Why are you wearing a wedding ring, Carol?

Why are you wearing a wedding ring, Carol?

Did you get married again while you're still married to me?

For fuck's sake. Who is he?

You tell me who he is now!

It doesn't matter! Look, just tell me.

You owe me that, after all these lies, all this time.

You owe me that, after all these lies, all this time.

Well, is it just us two, or is there a third?

A harem of men you've left heartbroken across the globe,

A harem of men you've left heartbroken across the globe,

a hive of- Oh, his name's Cardi!

His name's Cardi,

and he's Paloma's son, and he is going to the wedding.

and he's Paloma's son, and he is going to the wedding.

Keith, I am begging you now.

I know that I have wronged you, I know I have,

I know that I have wronged you, I know I have,

but please, please, don't go to the wedding because...

..because he loves me very much.

And I love him too.

And I love him too.

Please.

(DOOR OPENS) Dude! What are you fucking

belling me up every five seconds for

when you know I'm coming down anyway?

Thanks, man. I'm glad to see you, Vinnie.Right.

Thanks, man. I'm glad to see you, Vinnie.Right.

Oh, my God, I'm in a real crisis.

Listen, get a fucking wriggle on cos I've got Cardi's mum wanting refreshments here.

Paloma's back? Yes.

Paloma's back? Yes.

God, I haven't seen that smoke show for years.

Get a fucking wriggle on with whatever this is

or I'm gonna piss off. Alright I've got a...

or I'm gonna piss off. Alright I've got a...

I've got a problem. Yeah.

And her name's Ella.

Oh, for God's... No, but she's not like anyone else.

Oh, for God's... No, but she's not like anyone else.

She's...She's got a fucking PhD in economics.

She's got a first from Oxford.

And all she cares a shit about is my Mr Timber.

Oh, no(!) The woman's insatiable.

Oh, no(!) The woman's insatiable.

She's got me on call 24/7.

She wants it on the floor, on the table,

against the window, through the fucking window.

against the window, through the fucking window.

Mm.The trouble is, I'm getting feelings for her, you know.

Mm.I mean, I look at her and I just think...(SIGHS)

..all I wanna do is stroke her hair and cook her an egg.

..all I wanna do is stroke her hair and cook her an egg.

You just wanna cook her an egg. What if that's all I am to her?

I wanna be appreciated for more than just my dick, right?

I wanna be appreciated for more than just my dick, right?

What if we're not shagging, she's not interested in me?

Maybe that's all she wants from me. You know "I shag, therefore I am."

How the fuck can I help you out here?

How the fuck can I help you out here?

Well, because you're always banging on about feelings, aren't you,

and how it stops your dick working? Hurtful.

(PHONE PINGS) Jesus.

(PHONE PINGS) Jesus.

Oh, fuck, another nude pic. Look.

Dude, she's-Yeah, she's gonna want a cock shot now.

Don't send her a cock shot. She wants to see it.

Don't send her a cock shot. She wants to see it.

She wants to see it now! Don't send her a dick pic.

Ask her summat nice.Good idea. Fucking whatever.Keep it simple.

Can we just go for dinner tonight... Fucking hell...darling?

Can we just go for dinner tonight... Fucking hell...darling?

Darling(?)Well, she's seen it, she's not replying.

Give her a- Why's she not fucking replying?

Give her a- Why's she not fucking replying?

Give her a minute! She's probably putting her tits away, in't she?

She's gone offline!Calm down, you fucking lunatic. Listen...

She's gone offline!Calm down, you fucking lunatic. Listen...

I think we better just recalibrate a little bit.

(BEEPING TONE) Fuck! Still nothing!

Couldn't see her car anywhere,

Couldn't see her car anywhere,

but Liz saw her driving this morning.

I did, proper fast. But I just thought,

"Well, that's Carol." Should we call the police?

"Well, that's Carol." Should we call the police?

They won't do anything, unless it's been 24 four hours or more.Right.

Let's spread out and search Hawley. Check the roads,

we need to check the travellers' site, Jim's farm.

we need to check the travellers' site, Jim's farm.

I'll text Vinnie. Yeah, text Vinnie.

I'll wait here and ring if she gets back.Right.

But what about the wedding? Mum?

Right, come on.

Still nothing.

I should never have texted that. I should've sent her the dick pic,

I should never have texted that. I should've sent her the dick pic,

gone round later, up against the wall and...

I could've stroked her hair while she was sleeping.

This is why I don't do it. You're hurt now and she's disappointed

This is why I don't do it. You're hurt now and she's disappointed

cos she hasn't seen your fucking horrible todger.(PHONE PINGS)

Fucking hell, here we go. Hang on.

Fucking hell, here we go. Hang on.

"We can eat after we've shagged."

Look.Oh, yeah. "After we've shagged".

Really happy for you.Oh, my God, she can see the man behind the cock.

Yeah, dude, I'm chuffed to bits for you.

Yeah, dude, I'm chuffed to bits for you.

I'll send a picture now. A cock pic. It doesn't have to be right now.

Fuck's sake.We've sorted that out. (PHONE PINGS)

Who's this now? Oh, shit.

Who's this now? Oh, shit.

Where are you going? Fucking Carol's gone missing.

Honestly, dude, you disgust me.

Carol! Carol!

Carol! Carol!

# THE BLACK KEYS: Lonely Boy #

She's not gonna be hard to spot. She dresses like a tropical fish.

She's not gonna be hard to spot. She dresses like a tropical fish.

CAROL!

CAROL!

I'll go and have a look round here.

Lads. Have you...have you seen Carol?She hasn't walked past.

This morning? You might've missed her.Impossible.

This morning? You might've missed her.Impossible.

We've been playing since Monday.

You look like you could go for a little nap.

The only thing I could go for is a pair of sixes. Give me them dices.

The only thing I could go for is a pair of sixes. Give me them dices.

Will you let me know if you see her?

You're mental.

Carol?

Carol?

Carol?

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

# ..I got a love that keeps me waiting

# ..I got a love that keeps me waiting

# Oh, oh-oh... #

Carol? Have you lot seen Carol?

You know, Carol? Carol Dennings.

You know, Carol? Carol Dennings.

Lesley!

Look at this! (GASPS)You're supposed to be looking for Carol.

Have you asked anyone?I thought you were asking.For fuck's sake.

Have you asked anyone?I thought you were asking.For fuck's sake.

Oh, Lesley. (GROANS)Come on.

Come on. I'm sorry. It's important. She's my wife!

Come on. I'm sorry. It's important. She's my wife!

Well, of course it is, but I just feel it in my bones

that she's gonna be alright. It's all about you, isn't it?

I don't know why you're so desperate to get married tomorrow.

I don't know why you're so desperate to get married tomorrow.

Because a pink moon symbolises- Symbolises fuck all, Mum.

Fuck all.

Forgive me for being a lover, Lesley, and finding THE ONE.

He's not the one though, is he?

He's not even number two. He's number f-f-f-fucking four.

He's not even number two. He's number f-f-f-fucking four.

He may well be my fourth husband,

but am I a criminal for untangling myself

but am I a criminal for untangling myself

from situations that offer me absolutely nothing?

Maybe you should take your own advice

and t-try harder at making them work then.

and t-try harder at making them work then.

Then you wouldn't be fannying about trying to get married

under some s-s-special f-fucking moon.

(SIGHS)

I know what this is.

Are you jealous of Glen?

That's what this is, isn't it?

Because, you know, it is very common

Because, you know, it is very common

to have feelings of sexual longing towards your mother.Is it?

Because, after all, mine was the first vaginal canal

Because, after all, mine was the first vaginal canal

you'd ever been inside. Get in.

Has he even been on a paddle board?

Oh, I think he's more of a land animal himself.

Oh, I think he's more of a land animal himself.

Is he any good at water sports?

That's a bit personal now, isn't it?

I'm just trying to understand why you replaced me, Carol.

I'm just trying to understand why you replaced me, Carol.

How long have you been married to him?

Four years.

Four years.

And you're happy? Oh, not all the time now,

but I guess that's what... I guess that's what real happiness is.

You don't... You don't always realise that it's there, you know.

You don't... You don't always realise that it's there, you know.

Yeah.

Yeah, fuck you, Carol. Where are you going, Keith?

Driving to Hawley. It can't be that hard to get back.

Driving to Hawley. It can't be that hard to get back.

I need a fucking drink!No, don't do this, Keith. Please don't!

I haven't done anything, Carol. Because of you,

I haven't done anything with my entire fucking life.

I haven't done anything with my entire fucking life.

While you've been falling in love with some bloke

who wouldn't know a kayak from a fucking...canoe!

I don't think a lot of people know the difference

I don't think a lot of people know the difference

between a kayak and a canoe. You're missing the point.

You know there was another woman?

Maria.

She ran the cave tours Monday to Thursday. Had hair like linguine.

She ran the cave tours Monday to Thursday. Had hair like linguine.

She wanted me, and still, I did nothing cos I was waiting for you.

I'm so sorry, Keith. Never took that holiday to France,

in case you came back to the island. Yeah.

Never learnt pottery. Yeah.

Never told my dad that I loved him.

Never told my dad that I loved him.

I don't think you can put that on me now.

How do you know, Carol?! You're not inside my head!Ah, now, Keith,

I know you're angry and you've every right to be,

but, Jesus, you can't just waltz in here and blow up me life, like.

but, Jesus, you can't just waltz in here and blow up me life, like.

What if you didn't go to the wedding? What if I give you money?

I won't scamper away from my friend on his wedding day,

like you did to me. And I'm telling Cardi.

like you did to me. And I'm telling Cardi.

Oh, no, no, no. I can't let you do that, Keith!

Uhh! What the fuck?!

(LOCK CHIRRUPS)Hey, my car keys! I can't let you ruin my life.

(LOCK CHIRRUPS)Hey, my car keys! I can't let you ruin my life.

(GRUNTS) Yes!

# WOLF ALICE: Formidable Cool #

Carol! (ENGINE STARTS)

# ..And I knew it was all an act

# ..And I knew it was all an act

# I could practically hear the pen planning... #

Fuck!

Oh, Jesus. I don't know what all the hoo-ha's about.

Oh, Jesus. I don't know what all the hoo-ha's about.

She's only been gone two minutes.

He's treating her like a fucking Victorian wife.

Keeping her on a tight leash.

Keeping her on a tight leash.

What happened to liberation?

What happened to fucking female empowerment?

Did Emmeline Pankhurst go through all that shit,

Did Emmeline Pankhurst go through all that shit,

having her mates chucked under horses and that,

so a hundred years later, a fucking woman

can't go out on her fucking own?

can't go out on her fucking own?

(SIGHS) Saw a film about it.

Suffragettes.

Thingy's in it. The fit one.

Thingy's in it. The fit one.

Fucking great rack. Fucking great.

# BLONDIE: Atomic #

(TYRES SCREECH)

Carol! Carol!

Shit.

(BABY GRIZZLES) Puh-puh-puh-puh-puh!

(GRIZZLES)

What, you're still not talking to me?

(PHONE RINGS)

JJ?

JJ?

Oh, fucking hell. OK.

Right. No, I'm on my way.

Do you want me to have him? No, I'll take him with.

Sugar, it's just a bit of music.

Sugar, it's just a bit of music.

(SIGHS) You just don't get it, do you?

It's not about the music. I trusted you, and you ignored it.

It's not about the music. I trusted you, and you ignored it.

Things have changed since you had me, Mum. I've changed.

And I don't want you pulling your crazy old shit with my son.

Call me if Carol comes back - if you can manage it.

(BABY CRIES)

Yeah. Dead?Yeah.

JJ... Hold on.

JJ... Hold on.

Alright. VINNIE: What's t'plan?

OK, so, we haven't got long before the sun goes down.

I've checked all the hospitals, she's not in any of 'em.

That's because she's fine, alright?

That's because she's fine, alright?

Where are we gonna search first? Dead Man's Forest?

C-Can we not call it D-D...

Why have you got a gun? In case it's a kidnap situation.

Why have you got a gun? In case it's a kidnap situation.

She's not been kidnapped, Jim!

No, I'm saying if SHE'S kidnapped someone

and we have to talk her down.

She might have turned! Jim. Jim. Point it down.

She might have turned! Jim. Jim. Point it down.

(ALL TALK AT ONCE) She hasn't kidnapped anyone for ages.

Argh! Argh! Just the... Shut the fuck up!

Argh! Argh! Just the... Shut the fuck up!

Get a fucking shift on then. This way. Dickheads.

We're going right first. Jim, keep the fucking gun pointing down.

We're going right first. Jim, keep the fucking gun pointing down.

Carol!

(ALL SHOUT FOR CAROL)

(MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY)

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS)

Oh, my God! Thank God you're back!

I was just about to go and start handing these out.

I was just about to go and start handing these out.

What's going on? Where is everybody? Where'd you get that photo?

The fucking state of me.Everyone's looking for you. They're worried.

The fucking state of me.Everyone's looking for you. They're worried.

You've been gone for hours.

Can I get a drink, Liz? Yeah, yeah.

Can I get a whisky, please? Yeah.

(SOFTLY) Fuck's sake.

Thanks.

Thanks.

# FONTELLA BASS: Rescue Me

Carol?

Carol?

Carol?

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Wh... Hang on a minute. Cardi!

Mate, she's at t'Crow's Nest! Is she hurt? Is she alright?

Mate, she's at t'Crow's Nest! Is she hurt? Is she alright?

Mate, she's fine. She said she bumped into someone.

She bumped into someone? I-I-I dunno.

Wh... Doesn't make any-

Wh... Doesn't make any-

(GUNSHOT) Fucking 'ell! Jimbo!

It's alright. It's just a squirrel. Oh, thank God.

Come on. Fucking idiot.

Come on. Fucking idiot.

Cardi's into boats? He is. Big into boats.

Shit.

Fuck me. Right, go away. I'll deal with it.

You alright, Davros?

Well, that's just fucked, innit? Do you think it's McCann?

No, I just fancied an indoor firework display, Vincent!

Of course it's fucking McCann! Yeah.

Of course it's fucking McCann! Yeah.

Look, I'm showing you this as a favour, right?Yeah.

The tides are turning, Vincent.

The tides are turning, Vincent.

So, I need you tell me if you hear anything.

Because I swear, if you throw me under the bus in any way,

then I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna get my own fucking bus

then I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna get my own fucking bus

and I'll run you over again and again until your skin's like carpaccio.

What's carpaccio?

It's thinly-sliced beef, delicious.

It's thinly-sliced beef, delicious.

Sounds nice. I think you'd have more friends

if you weren't so fucking terrifying.

I don't need friends, Vincent.

I just need you to keep your mouth shut.

I just need you to keep your mouth shut.

Understood? Yes. Thanks for the warning.

Can I have a lift- No!

# DONOVAN: Sunshine Superman #

# DONOVAN: Sunshine Superman #

# Sunshine came softly through my window today...

# Sunshine came softly through my window today...

Hello?

Anyone?

# ..I changed my ways

# ..I changed my ways

# It'll take time, I know it

# But in a while

# You're gonna be mine, I know it

# We'll do it in style... #

I'm sensing you're sad.

I'm sensing you're sad.

(SIGHS) Why are people so fucking disappointing?

(SIGHS) Why are people so fucking disappointing?

Isn't that the question for the day? (CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)

Don't think you're meant to do that in pubs any more.

Don't think you're meant to do that in pubs any more.

Oh, you're alright. I'll display the safety warning.

Go on then. What's happened?

My wife. (SNIFFS)

I haven't seen her for ten years.

I haven't seen her for ten years.

I thought I'd never see her again actually, and then today... bam.

She's back. I don't even live here.

She's back. I don't even live here.

And, yeah, I was hopeful...

..just for a second.

Mm.I thought that it would mean maybe we would be together.

Mm.I thought that it would mean maybe we would be together.

Meant that she'd missed me after all these years.

Turns out she hasn't missed me at all.

Turns out she hasn't missed me at all.

And her life was better off without you in it.

Exactly.

Maybe you should just go home.

Yeah, but, well, she married someone else, he doesn't know about me.

He needs to know the truth, right?

He needs to know the truth, right?

Oh, I've never been a fan of truth, me.

She lied though, to both of us.

Truth's only good if you can do something with it.

Truth's only good if you can do something with it.

It's wrong, what she did.

You don't need a lift anywhere, do you? I'm heading back to Hawley.

Yeah, that would be great, actually.

I was looking for my son's wife, but this is the last pub on my list

I was looking for my son's wife, but this is the last pub on my list

and she's clearly not here.

Carol, her name is.

Carol, her name is.

(TENSE MUSIC)

Did you say Carol?

# NELL & THE FLAMING LIPS: Into My Arms #

Can I get another one, please?

Can I get another one, please?

Cardi!You fucking idiot. You had me shitting myself.

I'm so sorry.

I need to talk to you, Cardi. Carol, I don't wanna hear it.

I need to talk to you, Cardi. Carol, I don't wanna hear it.

I should've stood up for you with my mum.

She's not changed at all, she can fuck her wedding.

Carol. Greek Keith?!

Carol. Greek Keith?!

Oh, hiya, mate. Congratulations and all that.

Far out, man. How was your flight? Look, not now.

Look, Carol. You don't have to do this.Course she does.

Look, Carol. You don't have to do this.Course she does.

You said the truth is only useful if you can do something with it.

What can he do with it?

Do with what? What truth?

Do with what? What truth?

Keith told me everything.

Carol's already married -

and she has been the whole time - to Greek Keith.

and she has been the whole time - to Greek Keith.

Yeah, they got married ten years ago and then she upped and left him.

What's she on about, Carol?

Carol?

I wanted to tell you, I did.

It happened over a weekend of

It happened over a weekend of

a fucking an ouzo-soaked holiday, like.

I mean, I don't even remember, it's all a blur, like. It meant nothing.

If it meant nothing, why keep it a secret?

Cos I got scared, didn't I, Keith?

She said she just couldn't face it.

So... So, you just stayed married to him?

So... So, you just stayed married to him?

I am so, so sorry.

W-W-Why didn't you tell me? Tell me what, love?

Sorry I got stuck with Davey there. What's going... What's going on?

Sorry I got stuck with Davey there. What's going... What's going on?

Cardi, I know. I know, I should have told you

first thing this morning, when I seen Keith.This morning?

first thing this morning, when I seen Keith.This morning?

No, Carol, y-y-y-you should have told me w-w-when we got m-m-married!

Either time. I was gonna tell you, like, but...

It just that, y'know, I buried it

because the longer it went on, the harder it got and then I just...

I got caught up in the whole lie of it.What lie?

I got caught up in the whole lie of it.What lie?

Where you told me I were the love of your life, where we took vows?

But you are the love of my life. Is this why you're always acting

But you are the love of my life. Is this why you're always acting

like I'm not good enough? Hey, come on. We'll go outside.

This has nothing to do with you not being good enough.

You are good enough! Lesley...

You are good enough! Lesley...

I just didn't know what to do.

But you always know what to do, Carol.

You're always bossing me about, telling me what to say,

what to wear, how to eat.

what to wear, how to eat.

How could you not know what to fucking do?

Lesley.My name isn't Lesley! Alright? It's Cardi!

And what? W-What do you have to say, Mum?

I... I just think you're being a bit harsh.

A bit harsh? You're the one who's dobbed her in, in the first place.

A bit harsh? You're the one who's dobbed her in, in the first place.

I thought he had a right to know.

Since when have you thought I had a right to know anything?

You've never explained anything to me, ever!

You've never explained anything to me, ever!

Well, that's not true. Yes, it fucking is.

You've never told me anything.

And now you want me to know about Carol,

And now you want me to know about Carol,

so you can act like you care about me.Of course I care.

Where the fuck have you been then?!

You weren't here when Nigel died.

You weren't here when we got married.

I know for a fact you had something to do with Weasel dying

I know for a fact you had something to do with Weasel dying

when I was six, and you were b-barely there when my...

..d-dad died!

So don't...don't just come in now and blow up my life

So don't...don't just come in now and blow up my life

and then try and tell me what to do with the pieces.

All that stuff's in the past.

All that stuff's in the past.

The past fucking matters!

It matters to me!

It's my life!

All of it!

All of it!

You left because you didn't fucking like me.

You left because you didn't fucking like me.

Just be honest.

Just be honest.

Both of you.

Cardi, come outside with me for a little bit.

Cardi, come outside with me for a little bit.

No, man, I don't wanna go outside.

Do you know what, I'm going outside.

It's not that you fucked up, Carol.

It's just that you made me believe -

for the only time in my entire life -

that I was someone's first choice.

And it's just a fucking lie.

(SOMBRE MUSIC)

(SOMBRE MUSIC)

Hiya.

Hiya.

I don't wanna talk about it.

OK.

That's fine by me.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Mum! It's for the bad energy.

I've just found out my wife is m-m-married to someone else.

I've just found out my wife is m-m-married to someone else.

I'm a... I'm allowed a bit of bad fucking energy.

(SIGHS) I'm not talking about yours.

(SIGHS) I'm not talking about yours.

I'm talking about his.

Well, this is Dad's spot, not yours.

Cardi, I didn't leave because I didn't like you.

I left because I was ashamed.

You didn't have that stutter before your dad died.

You didn't have that stutter before your dad died.

You didn't struggle. Not when he was around.

But after he'd gone, you got it.

And there was nothing I could do to help you.

And I just got so angry...

..that your dad always could help you.

And none of the books tell you that it is alright

to feel jealous that your husband got to die perfect

to feel jealous that your husband got to die perfect

and you have to live on and fuck it up...

..over and over again.

..over and over again.

And by the time you were 17, I- You just left?

I did.

I did.

Got my reasons.

I was frightened.

I was sick of the effort of it all.

I was sick of the effort of it all.

So I left...for a bit.

And when I came back you had...

..you had all these friends.

..you had all these friends.

You had Vinnie, you had Ashley, you had JJ.

And it was like, you just... didn't need me any more.

And it was like, you just... didn't need me any more.

I did need you.

If I could go back in time and stay...

If I could go back in time and stay...

..I would.

I wouldn't leave you.

I wouldn't leave you.

I'd see it through.

I didn't.

And nothing I can say can fix it.

And nothing I can say can fix it.

JIM: One bomb or two?

Spitfires didn't have bombs. I KNOW that.

Spitfires didn't have bombs. I KNOW that.

It's called suspension of disbelief, you shithead. It's art.

Sugar.

Sugar.

What now?

(EXHALES HEAVILY) I just wanna say I'm sorry.

It won't happen again, I promise.

I have changed, you know. I'm...I'm...

I have changed, you know. I'm...I'm...

I'm drinking, like, 30% less than I was when you was a kid.

(SCOFFS)And I'm a teetotaller, like, every other Sunday.

(SCOFFS)And I'm a teetotaller, like, every other Sunday.

I just wanna be a better mum, you know, like...

like the mum you're becoming.

(PENSIVE MUSIC)

(PENSIVE MUSIC)

Oh, well...thanks.

I appreciate that.

(SOFTLY) Have a word.

Look, I want you to know I'm gonna file for a divorce.

Look, I want you to know I'm gonna file for a divorce.

To be honest, I should've done it years ago, when she left.

It was never a marriage between me and Carol.

It was never a marriage between me and Carol.

But you two...

Look, I can tell it's the real deal.

So, I hope it works out for you, I really do.

Thanks.

Right, well, best be off.

I'm parasailing tomorrow afternoon in Santorini.

I'm parasailing tomorrow afternoon in Santorini.

The clearest waters you'll ever see.

To be honest, mate, I'm not really into w-w-water sports.

That's a bit personal.

That's a bit personal.

Are you in love with me, Carol?

I don't know if you are.

I think you love me like you love trifle...

I think you love me like you love trifle...

..or that...that film wit' kids in it.

ET. Sound of Music. And...

I...want...someone -

I...want...someone -

I deserve someone -

who is IN love with me...

..who wants me as I am...

..even if it means putting up with all my little...

..foibles and faults, you know?

..foibles and faults, you know?

So, what are you saying, like?

So, what are you saying, like?

I don't know.

I don't know.

# DONOVAN: Catch the Wind #

# In the chilly hours and minutes

# In the chilly hours and minutes

# Of uncertainty, I want to be

# In the warm hold of...

Not everything should stay the same forever.No, it shouldn't.

Maybe some change is good, you know.

Maybe some change is good, you know.

Mm. Like when you were blonde.

Oh! Ohh!

God, I wish I could be blonde again. Mm.

God, I wish I could be blonde again. Mm.

Why can't you? It's bad for your hair.Oh.

Snaps it. Yeah.

Hey.

We fucking love you. Do you hear me?

We fucking love you. Do you hear me?

Every last inch of your hairy body. (CHUCKLES)

(SNORTS) Hirsute body.

Tis. Tis.

Tis. Tis.

(DISTANT CLATTER) Oh, bollocks.

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

Shit.

Listen, if there's anyone out there,

Listen, if there's anyone out there,

I'm coming out!

I'm not fucking about now.

Come on, fucking show yourself.

Come on.

Come on.

That's it. That's... Fuck it, I'm coming... I'm...

Pwww! (Shit.) Coming down there.

Pwww! (Shit.) Coming down there.

(SINISTER MUSIC)

What the fucking hell's that all about?

Oh, fuck. (SNIFFS)

Oh, fuck. (SNIFFS)

Course.

MCCANN'S VOICE: 'You, Vincent, are the shit on my shoe.'

(FOREBODING MUSIC)

Why don't you go back to whatever fucking pub

you left your mammy blowing a tramp in? Argh!

I want you to fix me up a fight.

I want you to fix me up a fight.

(RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)

You only need a bit of fucking coaching.

Who's gonna coach me how to do all that?

Ta-da!

Ta-da!

I'm gonna turn you into a fucking killing machine.Uhh!

Well, I can turn him into a star.

Fight! (CROWD YELLS)

# I got so much trouble in my mind

# I got so much trouble in my mind

# I got so much trouble in my mind

# I got so much trouble in my mind

# I got so much trouble in my mind

# I got so much trouble in my mind

# Give me the strength to carry on

# Give me the strength to carry on

# Cos everything I got is just about gone... #

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