Original subtitles

Sam.

Saint.

We start tight on a full moon.

Milky, almost yellow.

We crane down to reveal an

idyllic suburban street.

We float past a series of white picket fences until

we settle on a sewer grate. Pow. Flies open.

Something big and scaly slithers out fast.

Hungry, Definitely not human. As a pulsating score

kicks in,

We're on the back of the beast as it slithers menacingly towards

a little blue house.

Wait, I'm sorry. This is our wedding video

you're talking about? Yes. Though I actually don't think of them as videos.

They're more like short films. Yeah, because I'm not sure this is quite

what we had in mind. Okay, I know it's a little different than normal,

but we really like the one you did for Karen and Barb. Oh. When they

walk by the river and jump up and hike. That jump was dope. And I

love that song they used. I don't want to wait for our lives to

be over I want to know right now how does

it feel? Guys,

here's the thing. I really like you guys and you said you were horror

fans, and I'm like, I love horror so much and I thought this could be

special. You know what I mean? This is a film you're going to watch for

the rest of your lives. But this isn't a film, dog. This is a

wedding video. And we want one where they do a little jump. Yeah. Now,

can you do that for us or not?

And do you mind if I'm doing warm ups? Is it okay?

Oh, yeah. I've seen much crazier. Okay, good.

Does it sound better to say my line, his vision is blurry,

which could suggest. Or his vision is blurry, which could suggest.

Or I could. You know what? I could even do like an accent. I could

do just. I think you just should do it the way you auditioned it,

honey. Yeah. Yeah. It's been a while since I booked anything and I just wanted

to go. Well, yeah, it's hard out there.

Sorry. Dr. Number three, we're ready for you. Okay. Knock him

down. Okay, thanks. Thank you, Donna. Hey, by the way, if you ever need any.

Anything from Lowe's, I will hook you up with my employee discount, no questions

asked. Okay,

Nice. 10 more cc's of tramadol. Any idea

what I'm looking at here? He said his vision was blurry, so, you know,

that could suggest optic neuritis. Already ruled that

out. Cut. Hey, buddy. Not sure what

that accent is. Just do it normally. Okay, we're going to go again right away.

He Said his vision was blurry, which could

suggest. Say the line faster. Okay. Faster this

time. He. He said his vision was blurry, which could suggest. Cut. Jesus. I think

we got to fire this guy. Can we get somebody else in here?

Have you ever seen rain?

I.

Grand. Doug, I just ran into your mom at the supermarket.

She said you booked a big gig today. I'm proud of you, bud. Everyone in

Buffalo misses you. I love you. Come visit, man.

Oh, Jesus, Jerry. What is this thing about? This some

kind of sewer monster? Oh, boy.

Duck. Look, I get that

this is not what you dreamed about when you were a kid, but dreams

that go now. I'll be retiring soon. And. Duck. It is only a

matter of time before all this is yours. Really?

Yeah. Look around. Take it all in and

imagine if you do it right. It's a

pretty sweet setup we got here. This is a B and maybe even a B

plus life we're talking about.

Are you sure you don't want to do anything for your birthday?

You used to make me celebrate your half birthdays.

Let's go get a beer. Something.

Maybe we just watch that new mountain climbing dog about the lady that falls

to her own death. Yeah, fine.

We can do one about the free diver in the Maldives who

drowns. Jesus Christ, Doug. I don't know. Let's just take a gummy and

go to it early.

Oh, my God, Bailey, no. Oh, yes. Yes.

You love a good big birthday party. Should. Is it your face? You knew

about this? There's no idea, buddy. Take my coat, please. Thank you.

Hey. How are you? Happy birthday. Jesus. Kidding. My back.

I'm sorry. Oh, no, that's not the actual lotion.

The actual basket. It puts the lotion in the basket. EBay.

That is sick. Yeah, no, that is actually sick. Oh.

Happy birthday, Dougie. Thanks for making the trick,

Claire. You know I love Buffalo this time of year. The slush,

the hypothermia. What's up? No trend.

No trend ever again. In fact, he started banging his

dental hygienist. Anyway, tonight is all about you,

baby. It's about me? It's about you.

Are. Oh, my God. Oh, it's been too long. So good to see you.

It has been way too long. Happy birthday. Thank you for coming. Coming out

here. Think I'm going to miss this? Never. We got a lot of catching up

to do. Many years ago, a group of young,

passionate artists had a vision. It was a vision that.

Not particularly original or even good,

but it was theirs. And so they

made that vision a reality. And without further ado.

I present to you a completely unrestored

print of 13 year old Doug McAllister's masterpiece,

the Quatch. What? I thought we

lost all the copies of that. Nope. I found it in my mom's garage.

It was stuck in the player. Are we sure this is okay for the kids

to watch? I don't give a shit. Mrs. Brown had us bleep all the swear

so we could show it at the school assembly. Which didn't make much sense because

we were very clear about it, but. And R rated. Happy birthday, pal. This isn't

happening. Oh, it's happening. Here we go.

Oh, I'm going to kill you.

I haven't changed a bit. Holy my.

Hot on the trail. Look out for the Quatch.

Before you strike me. I need to got

some white lip. Are you all.

We've been watching a lot of Scorsese. Didn't quite have

the ear for it, did we? I need to tell you something. What is it?

That I love you. I've always loved you and always will.

I love you too. Now kiss me,

woman. So much charisma. I'm ready.

You had it. I still can't believe I let Doug taught me to do talking.

But it was your idea.

It's coming for us. We're trapped. What the hell are we gonna do?

Oh my God. We're all gonna die.

This is where it gets real. Not on my watch,

mister.

That's probably the best birthday gift I've ever received. I didn't

even know it existed. Well, I'm giving it to you. It's less the TV because

you can't get it out.

Oh, it was right after. Right after, you know,

college. Yes. That's when Anaconda came out. Remember? Saw it

like 30 times. Put it right there alongside the classic. Totally. How about

that cast? Come on. JLo, Ice Cube, Owen.

Well, Stoltz. I mean, it's a murderer's row. Plus that snake was like

a metaphor for our lives at that moment.

Like life is coming at you and hunting you and forcing

you like off your parent. Like your parents

health insurance and stuff.

I don't know. That's. No, it's true. It was like that. That's right,

Kenny. How about that accent by John Boyd? How about that

was a choice. They wrap around you and you. You get the privilege of

hearing your bones break before the power of embrace

causes your aims to explode.

I have the rights to Anaconda.

What? I have the rights to Anaconda.

Yeah, apparently the movie was based on a novel by

Some dead Japanese guy and my agent introduced me

to his widow. Unbelievably. She.

She was such a fan of the four episodes that I did on swat.

Who isn't? And she gave me the rights.

So what are you going to do with them? Well, not me.

Us. We're going to reboot the thing indie

style. Three weeks run and gun in the Amazon.

Skeletal crew. Claire, you and I can star. Kenny, you shoot it. Doug,

you direct. Huh? Come on, what do you say? I mean,

it's a wonderful idea in theory. I mean, I could.

I can get time off from work. Yes, you can. Kenny.

Sweet Kenny. What are you talking about? You're in. He's not. No,

he's not in. He says like one thing and you're in already.

You're going to the Amazon. He's not in. What do you say? Claire, I.

I just. I don't know if I'm in the right headspace right now.

Divorce? Of course you're not in the right head space. That's the best head space.

Are you kidding me? Come on. It's like he pray, love and shit.

Come on. You know what?

I'm in. What? Really?

I mean, my life is totally shit anyway, so. God, I'm so happy to hear

that. I mean, not that your life is shit, but that you're in. Besides,

as soon as Doug says yes, we'll probably need you to finance this whole thing.

What? Doug.

Griff, I'm sorry. I got responsibilities.

Got Melee. Charlie, my job. I know.

Making wedding videos, films, right?

It's a good life. You know, it's a B, B plus

life. B, B plus life is

a good life. Do you remember when we were

kids and we would stay up till 4 in the morning? Morning. Hanging out in

your mom's basement watching horror movies, Scaring the out

of ourselves. Texas Chainsaw on like repeat. Now we have the

chance to make one ourselves. Dude, that's what we

dreamed about ever since we were little kids. I hear you,

but we're not kids anymore. Griff.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, all right. I just.

I get it. I do. I get it.

Still watching the Quatch.

Charlie, why don't you go check on those cookies? Okay, but I'm

pausing it, so don't touch it.

Gonna need some ice cold milch with that. You got it.

What are you doing? What? Just go make the movie.

Melee. Come on. Every time you watch this thing, you light

up. Like, I haven't seen you light up in a long time. So what?

I'm supposed to chase some Hollywood fantasy I had as a kid.

Waste a bunch of money and time. And for what? In the end,

what's it gonna change?

Okay, okay,

okay.

We hope you come to celebrate as we become the

Hanson. Holy.

What am I singing?

I don't want to wait, man.

Our lives could be, like, over.

What are you talking about? The Anaconda thing.

You were serious, right? Yes, very.

Then let's do it. Let's reboot Anaconda.

Yes. Yes.

All right, budget wise. Soup to nuts. What does it cost to get this thing

made? I figure we need three weeks of shooting some vfx, some sfx,

a riverboat. Riverboat captain travel to and from a

jungle, and a gigantic real snake. Preferably a rental.

Rental copy. All in two. Two and a half million dollars.

That sounds right. We've approved a loan for you for up

to $9,400.

Yes. I've revised the budget down to

43,000. All in. That sounds more. Right. Now, the film does

have to be scary, right? Terrifying. But it can't just be about

a giant snake killing people, you know? It has

to be about something, right? Right. I mean,

themes. Come on. Like grief.

What about revenge? In terms of themes, that's like one of the top ones.

Oh, my God. I got a good one. Intergenerational trauma.

I love intergenerational trauma. Who doesn't love intergenerational trauma? It's the

best we're on to.

This is a masterpiece. You're a goddamn genius. I love it.

Don't change a word. You killed it. Scary. It's emotional.

It's funny when it needs to be. Dude, thank you. Hey, Doug.

I know that we had our little dust up, but I

need to shoot this film, man. Dust up? Yeah,

he fired me from the wedding video stuff. Cause I got a

little wasted, knocked over the wedding cake.

But I'm dealing with it. Like getting sober.

Yes. I mean, buffalo sober. Buffalo sober.

Mm. Just beer and wine. And then some of the lighter liquors.

But definitely not all of them.

I'm proud of you, Doug.

If I'm being honest, I enabled you a little bit. Of course you

get a second chance. Let's do this. Nice. Thank you,

man. Car is here. And you have the methyl

quin, right? You only take that once a week. Hey, Dad,

I almost forgot. I got you

this. What? I know. Pretty sick.

World's Greatest Doug. I thought it should say

dad. Whatever, man. That's funny. I love it. It's much.

Sat.

All right.

What I'm talking about.

So, hey, I was reading about Anacondas on the plane. Basically, they wait

in the water for days, stalking their prey. Never moving, just waiting.

And then when a prey comes, snatch and grab. Thousand pounds

of pressure. You think you're gonna get away? You're not crushing you. Oxygen leaving

your lungs. Oh, God, it's terrible.

So like in a movie, in a comic? Yeah, exactly. So it's real? Yeah,

it's all real. Very real.

There's the story of this woman,

God bless her. The snake wraps around

her so tight the eyeballs

just. No way.

Yeah. It was my grandmother, Silvana.

Horrible grandmother. But still sad,

huh? I'm sorry, who are you? Oh, I'm sorry.

Carlos. Santiago. Yeah, you can call me Santiago. Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey. It's Kenny.

Hi. This is our snake handler.

He's supposed to be the best now. Supposed to be? We have a joker here.

No, I am the best. Yes. Ah, that's good.

So welcome to Brazil.

Let's meet the snake.

When I found him, he was dying of starvation.

His food supply destroyed by gold miners who put mercury

in the river. Gold miners? Gold mining. Poison. Early on, their grief

almost killed my snake. Oh, but I fed him.

I nursed him back to life. In. In many ways,

he did the same for me. Yes. A tale as old as

time saved by a snake.

What's her name? What's Griff? Okay, Griff.

It's not only his name, it's my tiny giant, my friend.

One of the most important creatures of the herlogical world.

No, of course. I Sure. I didn't. I wasn't trying to.

I. Yes. Okay, let me introduce you.

Aor. Aor? Oh my goodness.

Not cute.

Hell yes. This thing is nuts. There are rumors of

condes, even either maybe four or five times his size.

Go ahead, Kenny from the phone. Is it true that they regurgitate

their prey sometimes? I mean, if you're lucky,

you die right away because of suffocation.

But only the unlucky ones survive.

Unlucky? Yeah,

because then you might actually be cautious when

the snake comes back to finish you off.

Gotcha. O. Better to die.

That's.

Hey, let me ask you a question. A snake

guy, does he seem kind of batshit crazy?

I mean, he's best friends with a snake. Of course, he's a little quirky.

Yeah. But I like him. Really? Yeah. But then again, I used

up all my vacation days to come make a self finance snake movie with you

three. So your judgment's really off. My judgment is off.

Anybody talk to the captain? It's time to shoot. I'll reach out

again, boss. Hi, guys. My name is

Lana. I believe you spoke to my father on the phone. Bruno?

That's your dad? Yeah. He sends his apologies, but he's at

the hospital. Oh. Ah, I'm sorry. Unfortunately, you'll have to

make other accommodations because I need to take this boat up river for a routine

service. But I can assure you a full refund. No, wait, wait. Everything else

is book. Yeah, and. And we're gonna shoot a movie. It's a.

It's a reboot, Vana. Technically it's more of a reimagining, but it's actually

more of a spiritual sequel. Good for you. There's got to be a way,

right? We can crew the boat. There's nothing I can do. We have dreamed of

making this film together our entire lives. Please, I am

begging you. Please help us find another way. Let's do this.

But with the fast.

Is on us.

One more thing, you guys, before we go to bed. We got a big day

tomorrow. If you remember, we had a tradition

on all our films. The night before we started shooting. We would

say a prayer to the movie gods, asking them to basically

not screw us over. And for the first time ever, may they

listen. Come on. To the movie gods.

All right, we're rolling. Anaconda, scene 15, take one.

Stop it. Bella. What the

hell are you still doing here? I've come to take you home. It's time you

stop chasing this mythical snake. And what if I'm not prone to

giving up? I didn't see you filming. Now what do we do in EPK background

DVD bonus stuff. The Anaconda is the story of an intrepid

biologist, played by Claire, who hires an unhinged

snake tracker, played by Griff, to hunt down and

kill a giant mythical condom that ate her entire family. Come and get

me, you God damn snake. And on a deeper level, it's about chasing your dreams.

And the camera set. Push ups. Good.

And action. What's it like shooting with Doug again?

He and I are best friends. We've worked together our whole lives. And I went

out to LA and he was going to come out. We were going to.

To be a partnership. And he. He didn't do it. Griff and I planned to

work together in la, but you know, life intervened. But it doesn't matter.

Cuz now we're together. And now we're back. We're making this. And it's as it

should be. I am the instant you're not going

to move. Slow and steady. Sometimes it goes fast. Snake POV.

Rd, take one. No, it's not working.

Snake pov the right way. Take you.

Sometimes he goes from above in the trees, sometimes from below

in the water. The toothpick, it unlocked a couple of aspects

of his character for me. Something there.

Ah. Why would I be nervous about doing a love story with Grif? You guys

used a date. That was a long time ago. A little bit of chaos is

part of the ingredients.

Look at each other. This might be the last time you look at each other.

You think you'd be a little nicer to the guy who's out here to save

your Life? You're an AH.

And a PhD.

And cut. Great stuff, guys.

We got it. Should we go one more time? Wanna try it again?

No, I'm good if you're good. Let's go one more time.

The chemistry between you two is.

Yeah. Like we were right back in high school when you

looked up at her. Well, that's because of your note about taking the beat right

before you did. Yeah. Yeah. It made the scene. I tell you,

I never felt like this on swat. I mean, granted, I was only in a

couple of episodes, but it was never collaborative, it was never fun. Not like this.

This is like we were back on Quatch.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, so one script thing. I was thinking, at the.

At the midway point, instead of talking

the bad guy out of it, what if Claire's character headbutts

him? Sorry. Headbutts him.

Headbutts him. Or. Or we

both do double headbutt. Come on. Kind of revolutionary.

Doug is super revolutionary. Why is that super revolutionary?

What's never been done? Jesus Christ. This is a beautiful scene with

real stakes. Doug, feel free to weigh in here. No, I hear you.

I do. And as always, I trust your instincts on this.

But a double headbutt is pretty revolutionary, right? It ain't.

It's very revolutionary. Yes. There's no denying it.

None. Come on. Claire is the problem. You just. You don't know how to headbutt.

Why would I not know how to headbutt? We're not born with these skills.

We learn them along the way. Let me show you. Tight core. Breathe in.

Hold that breath and you can vocalize.

Another kind of headbutt is more unleashed,

just full on.

You got the arms in there. That's good. Send that shit into the go.

Or you put some Brazilian sauce on that. You know,

Toma. Hey, I. I love Brazilian.

Yeah. I would go for

the bridge of the nose. Yes. Crack it.

Here.

Sa.

I'm sorry, but how could this Happen, Huh? Kenny,

I thought you said this guy was a pro. That's what he said, but he

hasn't provided us with a certificate. You fixed the crate, right?

It's taken care of. My thing. My job under control. All good.

My AOR is at. Beautiful, intelligent,

smart, sexy creature. He does exactly what I

command. And I would never let anything happen

to you. Or the crazy one. Or her. Or her. Or this

actor here. So have a good night.

May the sounds of the forest be the music of

your dreams.

Jesus, man. He's a poet.

Okay, actors, on your marks.

Santiago, is Hunter ready? Yes. Victor is all always ready.

Hot joints ready. And action.

Come, please. Cut.

Yeah. All right. God. Hello, Kenny. Do you mind if I.

Sano take five. High toy five.

Hey. Hey. Wow. It's really huge when you see it

up close in person, like that majestic creature. But I

just. Just want to. I. I throw myself in front of the snake to kind

of protect Claire's character, right? Correct.

Is there any value in not doing

that? What? No, no, no. He sacrifices himself

for her. It caps his arc. It's so important, right? And also,

dude, it's totally safe. Yeah. Santiago has

Hydor under control, okay? You got nothing to worry about.

We're good? Yeah, we're good. Okay. All right. Let's do this. All right.

Take it from the top. Back to Juan.

Santiago. Hi, Tor. Action.

No. I'm not leaving.

Not without you. Derek. This thing's got me. The world's depending

on you. I'm depending on you. God damn it. I love you,

Derek. Fan oil.

Put your face right up next to the snake. I don't like that. I want

to do it anymore. A tiny bit closer. Get closer. It's friendly.

You got to do. No, I don't quite have it.

Couple more, we got this shot. This is gold. Just give me one more second.

One inch closer to your face. Get it right up in

there. Drag me around. Yeah. No.

Oh,

I know you think this is strange.

A grown man get emotional over some dead snake.

Jesus. But I love him. And he

loved him back whatever way he could.

No. Why is Kenny crying?

Hey, I don't want you here. Not for this.

You tried to murder me, Griff. What? Let the man grieve you.

Murder my friend? Just get out of my face. Where am I supposed to go?

Griff, go. Just move.

Welcome, my dear friend.

Snake. Snake.

Chico.

No, not you. No, I know. I'm sorry. I don't. I just. I'm not trying

to disturb you. I just want. Just leave him alone. I'm sorry for your loss.

I know you don't believe me, but it's true. I really am.

A friend of mine died once too. And it hurts.

Was it his name? Was it a snake?

No, it was just a human

person. Oh. Yeah. Still sad, Brink?

Totally. Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

Beer? Well, how much feels

here? But yeah, let's mix it up. A few commercials.

TV did a few episodes of swat. Oh,

swat. Yeah. Oh, I like that one. I swear

I even had the last line. Thanks. The last like

last line is season three. So what happened? Well, the producers decided

that they didn't really need that character, so they got rid of me.

I mean, it's only been going about eight or nine more seasons.

They don't deserve you. Yeah. You're a star.

Thank you. Yeah, you're thinking of this. I mean,

an industrial. You know what movie I like did large enough.

Backer fans. You should do a movie like

that. Oh, man, I wish. Yeah.

I like you. I like you too. You know what?

What? I'll get a new snake for your movie now.

Really? Yes. Oh my God. Thank you so much. Yeah.

You come with me. Of course. What?

Should we be in here? Here. Maybe we should head back.

What was it? What was that?

Listen. There are snakes around here. I can

feel it. What does it feel like?

I don't know. It's just very snaky. What's bit

snaky? Huh?

They hear from vibrations on the ground every

step we take. Join them closer and

when the jungle goes quiet,

that's many know. There it goes.

Hey, maybe we should go back to the boat. Think it be a good idea

to go back to the boat? Let's go back to the boat. Santiago.

Santiago. Santiago.

Nope.

Hey, have you seen Santiago? I don't think he's come back. Back from

what? We went out to go get a new snake we got. You went to

find a snake in the middle of the night? Yeah. Well, we need one for

the movie. We was dark, we got separated. It was crazy out there.

What? You went out in the middle of the night to find a juicy snake

in the jungle? You know what that's called?

Producing. Really? I guarantee

he will be back with a giant snake. And you and I are making

movies. You're right. Santiago's a pro. He'll be fine.

If he's not back soon, we'll go look for him.

Thank you very much. Santiago.

Guys, it's been over an hour. I have to go find him. Well, you're not

going alone. Yeah, we're definitely coming with you. It's safer that way. Have you guys

tried this thing? It is like a warm bowl of

soup put in chair form.

Yeah, man, chairs, they like, hold you, man.

They literally have arms, right?

Wow. Like when your parents are gone.

We still have chairs, you know?

The hell are you talking about? Let's go find Santiago.

Let's get a snake for our snake movie. Yes, Santiago,

let's go.

Hey, what direction are we headed in?

Um, like that way.

Wait, Kenny, are you high right now? Yeah,

but I'm good. I already peaked. Jesus Christ, Kim. We're completely lost.

Wait, you guys. This way. It looks like

an old cameraman.

What is that? Oh, maybe Santiago sleeping in

there. Hola.

Wow. Looks totally abandoned.

That. Anybody home?

Maybe some food and water. We can stay here at

least tonight.

Oh, man, there's gotten snacks in here.

It.

Oh, God.

That's where that guy went. Oh, my God. What is out there?

We gotta go now. Let's go.

Let's go. We can't let it crush the band. Crush the band? No, I mean.

What? Camper van probably. It's got

a split charge battery. The relay probably popped off. It's underneath the

hood. Kenny, can you fix it? Usually I can fix it. Yes, but adding I'm

still having some visual problems because of the. You did it to me

again. You did it on the winning video. And then you're wasted off your

ass. I'm dead. I'm really sorry, boss. Oh,

Buffalo sober. You're buffalo sober. Do you have any more

grif? Please, can you fix it? I think I'm better suited to be our wheel

man. Talking about I've always been a better driver than you. Now you've been a

safer driver. I passed the driver's test on my first try. You took three

times. Yeah, but that's because I. That was because of yield. I didn't know.

Now I know what that is. Oh, my God, we're gonna die.

Sorry, I'll just fix.

Hey, wait. Don't stop. Script.

Ready. What was that? You're not supposed to get that big. Oh, God. It look

like a dinosaur.

Hey, maybe we can ask you these guys for help.

We have to stop. Do not stop the car. Adam, what is

going on? They're illegal gold miners who patrol the jungles around here. These guys are

dangerous. They'll kill anyone who crosses into their territory.

They're going to kill us. Why are they shooting at us?

R. Can't you drive any faster?

Whoa, whoa. Ed, what are you doing?

Whoa.

Eddie, are you getting this? Yes,

Keep rolling.

Only one left.

Where is she? Oh my God. Where is she?

Who? Who? Who do you mean? I know there's someone else here.

So where is she?

Let's go. Come on. We gotta go fast.

Look, I can get you guys out of here. All we need to do is

keep heading north. There's a small airport about a day and a

half from here. You can get us home? Yes,

get us home. I think we gotta call it, man. We've got such

good stuff. Stuff. And we're so close. Really going

to go home, buddy. I know. I don't want to go home empty handed either.

But we came out here to make Anaconda and now we're in

I'm sorry,

it.

Guys, emergency meeting.

Cast and crew only. Can he sit down? What is that? New pages.

We have some time before the next port and I had an idea last night

that I think is just too damn good not to shoot. Dog,

everybody's pretty burnt, man. Just hear me out.

I'm begging you. Please. Kenny. All right. Sorry, boss. Thank you. What if you two,

on your way to find the Anaconda, run into a total badass

on an incredible quest? Oh, that's interesting.

Let me guess. To expose illegal gold miners.

Bingo. Raises the stakes. Exactly. And while they're

hunting down this mythical snake, they actually end up fighting the real villain.

An even bigger snake, man. Oh, yeah.

Yes, man. I like this.

This is good. And if we add this element, it does make the movie

much bigger. Like now it's about something.

Themes them.

Yeah. Okay, you know what, guys? I, I, I,

I. I didn't want to say anything before, but this

thing might be an awards play. I mean,

the Academy loves social horror, right?

Dude, you could be the white Jordan Peele.

I was thinking.

We've been through so much, you guys. Let's finish

this movie. I'm in.

Let's do it. Yeah. Oh, who are you gonna get to

play this new awesome character?

What? Naughty job. And cut.

Yes. That's what I'm talking about.

Are you sure you've never acted before? I swear, some of the best acting

I've ever seen. You're a natural. You're incredible. Thank you.

Take five. Next up, we got 72 guys.

You see what I'm saying? She's incredible, right?

Yes. Hey, good question though.

If, if she saves us, she doesn't really give my character anything to

do. Yeah, this was supposed to be the moment where my character starts

falling for Derek. So he needs to do something heroic, you know,

unselfish. I don't know, you guys, this just feels like her moment. She actually

did it in real life. But good news, I'm gonna shoot all the

rest on her. So you guys have the day off. See you

later. Take the day off,

huh?

This is our movie, Griff. And he's just cutting us out.

Yep. Welcome to show business, baby. You're not in it unless you're getting screwed

over by your friends.

You ever wake up and wonder, what the hell have I done with my life?

Yeah, like every.

Hey, at least you had the guts to go after what you wanted. You think

I wanted to go to law school? What have I got to show for it

though, huh? You know what I have? I have a terrible apartment and a

74 year old roommate. Sometimes I

go to Trader Joe's just to feel air conditioning.

You at least have a career.

I mean, what do I have to show up for in. I got

no family, no career, never done

anything that matters, no nothing.

It's never too late.

Griff. I know you're in there. Let's make a movie.

Hola, amigo. Jesus. Come on, get dressed. We've got a packed

day. What are you talking about? I am dressed. I'm dressed really pretty, very nicely.

All right, can you just take a cold shower? We gotta film like now.

Yes, I. You know. You know what you should call the movie? Anna Conda.

Get it? Anna Conda. Because Anna. Can you just

get in costume? You know what? You wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for

me. Without me, you'd still be stuck in Buffalo shooting your bullshit

wedding videos. Films. Yeah, you can

tell yourself that. My God, you know what? I vouched for you too.

Even the rights holders are like, who is this guy? I said, trust me,

he's good. What is that?

Attention all crew. Let's get prepped for seating five.

Location bravo. Five minutes. Are they making a movie?

Five minutes till arrival. Excuse me.

Are you guys shooting a movie? We're doing a reboot of Anaconda.

Come again? A reboot of Anaconda.

Anaconda, like Ice Cube Anaconda?

Yeah. Sony's rebooting it. I know.

No new ideas.

That's weird.

So let me get this straight. You don't have the rights to

Anaconda? No. Well, I.

Not legally. And you've never owned the. The rights

to Anaconda?

I mean, who owns Anaconda? Sony. Sony owns

Anaconda. Yeah, no, no, I know that. No, I mean, like, you know, like in

the larger sense. Why would you tell us that you had the rights to the

goddamn Anaconda franchise. When you very much don't have the rights to

the goddamn Anaconda franchise. Do we really even need

the rights? Really? I mean, like who? Who gives a shit about

ip? Yeah, literally everyone. That's what big

movies are. That's why we're here. You think that's why we're here? Yes,

that's why we're here. We almost died. We're out in the middle of the goddamn

jungle. We're alive. I had to lie.

I had to lie to you. You wouldn't have come otherwise. You wouldn't. None of

you would have not.

It's why you never came out to LA with me in the first place.

Even though we had a whole plan to work together your whole life,

you just. It's been dictated by fear.

Griff, you're fired.

What? You're fired.

No. No, I'm not. You can't fire me. You know why?

Because I quit already last night.

I just didn't tell anybody yet.

So too

bad for you, I guess. Cuz I. I already quit.

Grif. Wait. Where are you even gonna go?

To find the Anaconda boat. Maybe they can help me get home. Just think about

this. It's not safe. That's a tiny boat. There's a

giant snake out there.

Please don't do this.

Griffin, it.

Jlo. Ice cube.

John boyd. Are you in this one?

Help me. Help me. Help me. It's okay.

It's okay. Come down. I'll come get you. It's okay.

You're safe. You're safe. Oh,

God.

Oh God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God.

Doug. Doug. What's going on? Why have we stopped?

Well, Anna found a great place to shoot

the next scene. Look, okay, I know losing Griff was

hard. But between the four of us, we can finish this film. I'm not going

home empty handed. Come on, man. Without Griff, that's not part

of the plan. Well, plans change. And that's part of filmmaking

too. No. No. Doug, we have to go back for him. He's not safe out

there. Anna, we need to turn the boat around. We are not turning a boat

around. Yeah, we're not turning the boat around. Everyone off the boat

now. What's going on?

Anna, what are you doing? This definitely isn't

the plan. Well, plans change, Doug. Isn't that filmmaking?

And every good film needs a bit of a twist. Everyone off

the boat now.

To the doctor.

You going to carry these for me? Back to the boat. Let's go. And Then

what? And then you going to shoot us? No.

I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's inside these bags.

You want to look at it? Look at it.

Wait, is. Is that gold?

So you're the miner. You did all of this for money. Very quickly.

I'm not gonna be part of your sick quest.

Holy.

Wait. Coma.

You're done with.

I'm with the government to trap illegal gold miners. And then here runs

one of the biggest rings in Brazil.

Don't trust anything she says. She's a liar. She's a damn liar.

We're filmmakers from Buffalo. We're working on a spiritual sequel to Anaconda.

And I don't know if she mentioned that, but it's not just a reboot.

And I kicked out my friend who had to lead and I gave her a

juicy ass roll and this is how she treats. Shut up. I don't know

what you're talking about, man. Off topic. Go arrest her. Oh,

thank God.

Oh my God.

Oh, shut me. That'd be me.

Griff. No, he was a good guy.

I'm a good guy. He's a cop. Look, I don't. What?

I'm a good guy. Drop it. On your knees now. The far of you,

facing the water. Wait, I. No,

No, no. Anna, don't. Don't do this. You two.

Claire. On your knees. No. You don't have to be this person.

I have children at home. They're 10 and 13.

Please. Please. Think about what you're

doing to my kids. Just shut your mouth. Turn around now.

On your knees. No.

Is that fear? Nice. For the record.

That's how you have fun, bitch.

You won't do it. You don't have the balls. I know you, Claire.

You don't know me. I don't even have kids.

Jesus christ.

No, no. Wait, wait. I think the boat is back that

way. Yeah, but then so is the snake. We can't go that way. We.

We gotta take this trail and get to the high ground. Wait,

what's that? What?

Did it bite you? Yeah. You know what? I think it bit me. I think

it got me. I know it hurts, but we gotta get out of here now

because the snake is out there. Sorry, I can't move. My leg is freaking out.

What are we gonna do? We're gonna have to piss on you,

man. Huh? On the bite. The only way.

I thought that was just jellyfish. No, no, no, no. It's. It's all

animals. Are you sure? Positive. Someone's got a piss. I need one of your Pisses.

I'd love to be able to help out, but I'm just. I. I am drained.

Tapped. Bone dry. Claire, you want to take care of

this? I'm wearing a onesie. Kenny, we don't have time to argue about this.

You're up. You know this isn't possible.

Why not? Because he's pee

shy. Pee shy? I have urinary stage fright. I haven't been able to pee

in public in 35 years. My life sucks.

You can do this. You have to do this.

Whiz on me. You got it, buddy. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can do it.

You can do it. Let it flow. Yeah, Just piss on me.

Come on. Whiz on me. Whiz on me. You do it. Wh. On me.

You don't think I want you? I would love to piss

all over you, man, but it's not in the cards.

Whiz on me. Again. You can do

it. Whiz on me. Do it. Ken, that is an order.

Whiz on me. Okay,

okay. You better, buddy. You do it.

There's one more problem. What? I haven't told you

about this. I can only pe sitting down. Jesus Christ.

I need a chair. Come on,

come on, come on. Come on, buddy.

Come on, Kenny. Come on. Come on. Just do it. Do it. Come on,

buddy. Come on, buddy.

Sam.

Griff. I'm sorry about what I said before on the boat.

The truth is, I've been jealous of you for

a long time. Long, long time. Jealous for having the balls

to do what I couldn't. For going after what you wanted. Going to LA and

putting yourself on.

Oh, my God. We have.

We have to go after him. I gotta. I do not have a choice.

Griff. Oh,

Griff. Oh, what did

I do? I tricked him into coming here and

now he's dead. No, no. We all chose to be here.

I wish it was me. It should be me. This is not your fault.

And we have to keep going. Hey, guys, I think I found

out which way we should go.

It's a big open field. We gotta get across it to get to the boat.

But we can't just run across. It's too exposed. The snake could come

from anywhere. Maybe we can create a distraction.

Yeah, maybe. But wait, how do we do that?

I mean, it's gonna be somewhere.

It's.

What? Oh, my God.

Doug. No. Dougie.

Dougie, come on, man. Is he.

Oh, jesus christ.

Wait, wait.

Baby Dog is the distraction.

How? I know this is horrible, okay?

But if we can drag Dog out to the field,

Prop him out and attach the

board. Who's back? What? If we make it really hard for the snake

to swallow him, it'll occupy the snake

long enough for us to get across the field and get back to the boat.

That's a really smart idea.

What? Yeah.

Oh, God. This is horrible. That meant saving all of us. I'm sure Doug would

have wanted this. I'm not sure he would have wanted this. Whitman.

What are you doing?

Snakes, they love squirrel meat.

Went. Your snake revived.

I can't.

Oh,

He's alive. He's alive. I thought you checked his pulse

right there. No. You did a shitty job. What the.

Hey, john.

What? He's right behind you.

Ah.

Run. Don't run, run. What the

hell is on my back? It's a long story. Just.

Holy. Get back to the boat. Get back to the boat.

Okay. All right. All right. I think we're okay. I think we're okay.

All right. All right. What the hell?

I thought I was dead. How you doing,

Chucky? I'm okay now. I thought we lost you.

Can I say something? I'm sorry.

I think I got so caught up in wanting to play a hero that I

lost sight of what it is that's really important to me. And that's just making

stuff with you guys again. Griff, I feel the exact same

way. I love you guys. I just have one question.

Whose idea was it to put that dead squirrel in my mouth?

It was, like, a group decision. It wasn't really. Yeah. It wasn't,

like, one person. Snakes love squirrel

meat. I knew it was your idea. Guys, come on. We gotta keep moving.

All right. Well, I made a choice and I'm sticking with it.

Holy. It's the Anaconda set.

What happened? It's destroyed.

Hello? Is anyone there?

Hello?

Can you help us?

What? What?

We light again? Sorry.

Behind you.

Holy ice cube. Who you think it

was, Chime Boy? Let's go.

Let's go, let's go, let's go. Get in your tomb,

Oh, my God. Hey, Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm all right. A snake tore up the set. Everybody scattered.

Lamp hit me, I'm down. I get up.

Nobody there. What about JLo? Yeah. Eric's dolls.

Jenny from the block. So she gonna be okay? But Eric

came from the block. Jesus. Damn it. I don't know how

we're gonna do it, but we have to kill it before it kills us.

I'm with that. I'm with that. How are they gonna do it in your script?

I don't know. The writer Never finished the third act.

What? You guys started shooting before you knew the end.

Welcome to Hollywood, buttercup. That's what they do. They just

make it up as they go along. What was the general gist? Do you have

any idea? Was there anything in here? All I know is they were setting up

pyrotechnics all through here. Is it still up?

It's hooked up, but I don't know how to work pyro. Kenny,

you know how to ignite pyro, right? Not a problem,

bossy. Hey, hey. I don't know what y' all talking about, all right? I gotta

go save JLO and Stolts, okay? Really? You're going after

them? They the homies, okay? I can't leave them out here with the ops.

I got to go and represent they my castmates.

Actors. Good respect.

Do you mind? Yes. Everything you do,

man. Y' all group it out. Y' all group it out. What? Let's go.

Yes. Everybody get in here. Grand. Okay,

don't post that. No. Al, can we

get one more for safety? I don't think my face was totally in there.

No, it's fine. We're fine. This one, you're going to need that. Oh,

are you sure? Of course. I got another one.

All right. Keep it. Gangster.

Legend. You thinking what I'm thinking?

Oh, yeah. It could work,

right? 100%.

What are you thinking? Just make sure that it's

exactly what I'm thinking. Which I'm sure it is. Totally super sure.

Think about killing that snake. I'd say that's it. That's what I

was thinking. That, too. Okay, here's the plan.

Griff, you get the detonator from Kenny.

Claire, you fire up the generators.

Kenny, you set up the cameras.

I'll get the golf cart. We'll lure the snake

into the Piper Field and end this thing once and for all.

You ready for our big Hollywood end?

You ready? Yeah. Kimmy said as soon as we get to the pyro field,

we can detonate these one by one. Gonna blow this sky high. Sky freaking

high.

Come get us.

Where is he.

Talking about? I'm talking about golf car technology.

Where'd it go? I don't see it. I don't know where it is. Keep your

head on a swivel. I don't see it anywhere.

Oh, my God.

Shoot. Lost a segment. We don't get this thing online

in time, then we're all dead. Let's go. Let's go.

Dude, you're actually a really good driver. Thank you.

Why is There no power. Why is there no power? Pyro feel

dead ahead. Now or never. Arms and ready. Look.

Look for something like this. Okay. Okay. Almost.

It's getting closer. It's getting closer. Oh God. Go faster.

Build it.

Now. Die, you giant sick.

What the what? It's not working.

Hit all of them. Now we die. Now we

die. Why didn't it happen? Why isn't it going? I don't know. Oh, wait,

I forgot to turn it on.

Did we kill it? No.

Why? Come on. Car stock.

Dead end.

We're all gonna die,

Sam.

Not on my watch, Mr.

Gross.

And that's your wrap on Snake.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Long time ago, a group of artists had a vision to

one day live their dream of making a major motion picture. And last

year, against all odds, I'm proud to say that dream

was realized us.

As my friend Kenny likes to say, the snake is a metaphor for

the monsters that come for all of us if our dreams remain unrealized.

And to be clear, there's also a non metaphor snake.

Oh my God. Quick, shout out to Claire, Simon and

Katie and our love to

the. Thanks.

While we may not have the rights, we don't. We don't have. We definitely don't

have the rights. This is our completely unauthorized,

possibly illegal reboot

of the Sony classic film.

Ladies and gentlemen, Deanna K.

Sam,

It.

Are you Doug McAllister? Huh? You directed

the unauthorized version of Anaconda even though you didn't have the rights.

Yeah, I saw your little movie and

I loved it. I loved it. That's why I'm here.

I'm here because we're doing another Anaconda and I want

you to direct it. Are you in.

My anaconda?

My anaconda.

Want none unless you got butts, hon.

I like big butts and I cannot lie you other brothers keep

denying and when a girl walks in with a itty bitty waist and around think

in your face who gets sprung Wanna pull up tough. Did you notice that butt

was stuck keeping the jeans she's wearing? I'm hooked and I can't stop staring

oh baby, I want to get with you and took your picture.

Oh my.

What's on the feed and you?

I'm alive.