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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,440
Where the hell's our cab?
Why can't we just hang here?
2
00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:06,560
Because the only things that hang
on Christmas Day
3
00:00:06,560 --> 00:00:08,320
are mistletoe, holly...
CONNECT TONE TRILLS
4
00:00:08,320 --> 00:00:09,960
..and in some houses, tinsel.
5
00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:11,400
Hello?
6
00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:13,320
Yes, hi. There's still no sign
of our cab,
7
00:00:13,320 --> 00:00:15,600
and I really need to get to
my aunt's for lunch.
8
00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:16,960
Can I just put you on hold? Yes.
9
00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:19,040
Georgie, you're tipping the pavlova!
10
00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:20,520
Huh? The pavlova.
11
00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:22,920
You need to keep it upright or the
compote will breach the meringue.
12
00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:24,360
Why did you make this?
13
00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:27,920
Well, Aunt Joan has got this
hilarious photo of me with a pavlova
14
00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:29,840
when I was about Manus's age,
15
00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:33,160
and I thought it'd be super cute
to recreate it with you two.
16
00:00:33,160 --> 00:00:36,120
We'll have the perfect family
Christmas at Aunt Joan's.
17
00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:37,320
She has the biggest tree, the...
18
00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:38,680
Hello?
19
00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:40,960
Yes? The driver's cancelled,
I'm afraid, madam.
20
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:42,360
What? Yeah, he's said that...
21
00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:45,000
No, no. No, you can't cancel.
22
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:46,640
It's Christmas Day.
23
00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:49,160
Where else am I going to get a cab
on Christmas Day?
24
00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:53,560
Merry Christmas, neighbour.
25
00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:54,960
Cute PJs.
26
00:00:57,120 --> 00:00:58,600
Come on, Mal, chop chop.
27
00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:00,960
Georgie, you're tipping
the pavlova over!
28
00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:05,560
OK, what's the address?
29
00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:07,440
Oh, if you just put in Cirencester.
30
00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:08,960
Cirencester?!
31
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:11,160
Amanda, that's practically Wales.
You said a quick lift.
32
00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:13,280
You said you had no plans today.
33
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:15,400
No, I said I planned on
doing nothing.
34
00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:16,840
Different thing.
35
00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:19,120
Ned's with his mum. I was going to
crack open the Baileys,
36
00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:21,480
order a curry and watch me some
Die Hard.
37
00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:22,880
Oh, Mal, how depressing.
38
00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:24,360
At least you'll have company now.
39
00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:26,080
I don't want company.
40
00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:27,520
ENGINE STARTS
41
00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:29,240
Oh, could we just do a small detour?
42
00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:34,160
You having a good Crimbo, Felicity?
43
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,880
Not really. I was supposed to be
in South Africa.
44
00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:40,040
But Amanda guilt tripped me into
visiting my sister.
45
00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:42,720
What's wrong with your sister?
She's a nightmare.
46
00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:45,680
It's just all laughter and games,
47
00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:48,120
and endless bloody cheeseboards.
48
00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:50,520
She's completely over the top.
49
00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:52,720
She asks us every year, Mummy,
and we never go.
50
00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:54,160
It's getting rude.
51
00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:57,960
And I would love the kiddos to have
a traditional Cotswoldian Noel
52
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,800
while they're still enchanted by
the magic of Christmas.
53
00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:02,680
But does she have a PS5?
54
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:04,600
No, she doesn't have a PS5, Manus.
55
00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:06,560
I don't even think she has
the internet.
56
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,400
THEY ALL GROAN
No way!
57
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:10,840
PHONE BUZZES
Oh, it's Anne.
58
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:12,360
I should take it.
59
00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:13,800
Little Christmas present for her.
60
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,000
Anne.
61
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:16,960
Amanda, it's a disaster.
62
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:19,480
I've been at the airport now
for about 14 hours,
63
00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:21,840
and they've finally just cancelled
our flight to Dublin.
64
00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:23,600
Oh, Anne, no.
65
00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:25,080
What a shame.
66
00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:27,040
Well, look,
thanks for keeping me posted.
67
00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:29,000
We will... Chris and the kids went
ahead to Cork. Yep, yep.
68
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:31,200
I was supposed to join yesterday.
Yep. But because of the storm
69
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:32,720
I'm completely stranded.
70
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,280
And everybody who I know and love
is hundreds of miles away.
71
00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,120
Chris, Darius...
72
00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:39,680
Pat. Yes. Roisin. Yes. Pat... Mm.
73
00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:41,800
..and her husband, Pat.
74
00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:44,360
Their kids - young Pat and Patricia.
Yes.
75
00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:46,400
And Edgar and Barry and Pat.
Hmm, yep.
76
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,280
Uh, you know, Heathrow's on our way,
actually.
77
00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:49,480
No. No!
78
00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:50,640
Fine.
79
00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:52,640
Mal, absolutely not! No, no, no.
80
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:55,240
No...! God, no...!
81
00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,800
Oh, my God,
I miss you all so much!
82
00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:00,640
ANNE SOBS
83
00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:06,040
AMANDA TURNS UP MUSIC VOLUME
84
00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:10,600
We're here!
85
00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:12,360
Christmas has officially started.
86
00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:14,080
Kids, off your phones now, please.
87
00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:15,840
Eat your heart out, Downton Abbey.
88
00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:17,440
Oh, hardly.
89
00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:19,200
It's only 11 acres and a ha-ha.
90
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,840
Why is that funny?
91
00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:23,280
No, a ha-ha.
It's like a giant ditch.
92
00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:25,320
Oh. You should know what a ha-ha is,
you're a gardener.
93
00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:28,640
Oh, yeah. I've seen loads of ha-has
in Ha-Harlesden.
94
00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:32,800
Oh, look!
95
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:35,120
She's put the reindeer out
for the kids.
96
00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:36,920
Oh, Mummy, do you remember when
Bumble the Shetland
97
00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:38,960
tried to mount one?
98
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:40,960
God, that was funny.
99
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:43,120
This is why I don't go to therapy.
100
00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:45,120
Some memories are best repressed.
101
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:50,000
Get the bags! Here we go!
Look at the reindeer!
102
00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:52,240
OK, come on, come on, let's have
a bit of festive cheer!
103
00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,040
DOORBELL RINGS
104
00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:55,200
DOGS BARKING FAINTLY
105
00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:57,080
Guys, off the phones now, please.
106
00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:58,120
Guys?
107
00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:01,040
Guys. Right, give me those.
108
00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:02,640
Dad just gave us those.
What? They're from Dad!
109
00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:04,680
Did we learn nothing from
Adolescence?
110
00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:06,440
And, Anne, this is my Christmas
happy place,
111
00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:08,040
so please don't be a Debbie Downer.
112
00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:09,440
OK, everyone.
113
00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:11,280
Here we go!
114
00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:15,680
Oh, I'm so...!
115
00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:18,440
I'm so sorry!
Oh, what a shock!
116
00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:20,440
You caught me mid giblets!
117
00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:22,040
Oh, goodness! No, not the coat.
118
00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:24,600
Merry Christmas, darling. Oh,
I'm so sorry to spring this on you,
119
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:26,280
but there's been a bit of
a disaster.
120
00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:28,480
Is it cool if my mum-friend, Anne,
joins us?
121
00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:29,760
This her? Yes.
122
00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:31,760
Oh, Anne. Of course!
123
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:33,400
You look like you need
a stiff drink.
124
00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:35,040
Thank you, but, erm...but no.
125
00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:37,120
If I can't be with my family,
then what's the point?
126
00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:39,520
Oh, dear girl, come in, come in,
come in.
127
00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:42,000
Divorce, is it?
No. Storm Geraldine.
128
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,120
Storm Gerald...
Merry Christmas. Oh!
129
00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:46,120
Oh, for me? Wow!
130
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:48,760
No! Manus, Georgie!
131
00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:50,080
No, no, no, no! I know!
132
00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:51,160
I don't believe it!
133
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,120
Oh, no, I won't touch you.
I won't touch them. No, don't.
134
00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:54,840
Don't touch them.
We'll hug in a moment.
135
00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:56,040
Come in! Yes.
136
00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:58,080
Hello! Don't touch, don't touch.
Oh, they're gorgeous.
137
00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:00,240
Gorgeous! All right, this is
the last of the bags.
138
00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:01,960
Thank you, Mal. That's great.
Thanks so much.
139
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,960
Darling, you didn't tell me
you were bringing a lover.
140
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,760
Oh, no, Amanda's my neighbour.
Mal lives in my cellar.
141
00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:07,680
It's not like that. I just drove her
here. No, he just drove us here.
142
00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:09,240
Oh, yes, wink, wink, wink!
143
00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:10,720
The more, the merrier. No, no, no.
144
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:12,280
He's fine, he has plans. It's OK.
145
00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:14,280
Oh, you've got plans? Yeah, I was
just going to use your loo,
146
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:17,120
if I may, before I nip off.
I've got a date with John McClane.
147
00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:18,680
John McClane? Oh, fantastic.
148
00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:20,280
You're a hommo-sexual?
149
00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:22,840
It's a Die Hard reference. I was
going to watch it with a curry.
150
00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:24,640
Oh, God, how ghastly.
151
00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:26,240
You will stay for a pre-prandial.
152
00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:27,520
Joany... Come on!
153
00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:29,880
What's a pre-prandial?
It's a posh word for a drink.
154
00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:31,040
Yeah.
155
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,360
Yeah, OK, Pat, can you put Chris
back on?
156
00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:39,200
So, I have an alert set up on
my phone for when the flights reopen
157
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:42,360
and if you could just have everyone
there checking the internet...
158
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:44,160
Where should I put my coat, Gan-Gan?
159
00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:46,000
Keep it on.
160
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,680
This house is bloody freezing.
161
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:49,480
Isn't it magical?
162
00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:53,640
It's giving hardcore Narnia vibes,
right?
163
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:56,320
I mean, wow.
164
00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:57,840
That's what I call a tree.
165
00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:00,760
AMANDA INHALES DEEPLY
166
00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:03,720
Is it plastic?
167
00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:05,760
Oh, my God, has she still got that?
168
00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:08,080
Daddy bought that in the '70s.
169
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:10,120
Probably the newest thing
in this place.
170
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:11,440
How odd.
171
00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:14,160
I distinctly remember the scent of
pine needles.
172
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:16,760
No, this house smells the way
it's always smelt...
173
00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:19,560
..damp, dogs, desperation.
174
00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:26,120
Now, I've been absolutely
dying for you to arrive.
175
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:28,800
I've got everything in. We've got
some olives over there,
176
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,680
there's this trout pate.
177
00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:33,640
We've got mini quiches,
prawn vol-au-vents,
178
00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:36,080
and these really fun things from
Marks and Spencer's!
179
00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:38,240
Mini burgers! Have you seen these?
180
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:40,520
Oh, oh, oh. Oh, Ludo.
181
00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:43,400
No, no, no. We'll have to
clean that one up, won't we?
182
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:47,040
Joany? Hmm?
183
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:48,400
Where shall I put the pavlova?
184
00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:50,680
Is that Granny Gussie's recipe?
Yes, it is.
185
00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:52,240
Minus the powdered egg.
186
00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:56,000
I thought it might be fun to
recreate that famous pudding photo
187
00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,000
from that amazing Christmas.
188
00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,320
Yes. What do you think? Yep.
189
00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:00,560
I've got it in the album.
190
00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:02,240
Let me look for the album.
Oh, do! Yes, dig it out.
191
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:03,840
Everybody, dig in.
192
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,360
Flick, devilled egg?
193
00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:06,800
Have a devilled egg.
194
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:08,080
Flick, devilled.
195
00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:09,640
Egg, egg! Flick, devilled egg!
196
00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:11,480
Flick, devilled... Fine!
197
00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:13,000
I'll have a devilled egg.
198
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,120
Now, I think it's under here
somewhere.
199
00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:17,120
Ah! Now, where's that famous photo?
200
00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:19,960
Ah!
201
00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:24,040
Oh! Oh, yes!
202
00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:25,760
Now, look at that, look at that.
There it is.
203
00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:28,120
Look at Gan-Gan! What a hotty.
204
00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:29,880
Is that you, Mum?
205
00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:32,280
Yep, that was me pre-blossom.
206
00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:36,000
Just on my cusp of discovering
Clearasil and Wonderbras.
207
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:38,760
Oh, my goodness, look at that,
I'm wearing the same jumper.
208
00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:41,800
Oh, Joan, no, stop! That's perfect!
209
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:44,200
I thought it'd be really fun
to re-stage the photo
210
00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:46,000
with Manus and George. Ooh!
211
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:48,480
The Hemsworth brothers did one
sitting on their mum's lap,
212
00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:50,280
and it pretty much broke
the internet.
213
00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:53,000
I remember the Hemsworth brothers.
214
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:55,560
Hemsworth brothers.
Yes, you stepped out with one.
215
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:58,600
They had their tractor dealership
in Ampney St Peter.
216
00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:00,000
That was the Hemswood brothers.
217
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:01,480
Hemswood...
218
00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:02,960
Yeah, I slept with
all three of them.
219
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,440
Oh! Well done, you.
220
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:05,680
And the father.
221
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,320
Mummy... Oh, jolly good.
222
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:08,880
Now, drinky poos.
223
00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:11,360
Ah! Oh, damn.
224
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:12,640
What's that?
225
00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:14,040
What's in those ones?
226
00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:15,880
Oh, is that you, Flick?
227
00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:18,880
No-one must see those!
228
00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:20,720
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
229
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:25,800
What the...?
230
00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:32,600
This house is literally freezing.
231
00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:36,640
My family will be back from Mass
about now.
232
00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:39,240
Do you think Jesus will punish me
for missing his birthday?
233
00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:40,720
You know what you need, Anne?
234
00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:42,000
Sloe gin.
235
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:43,720
Very good for melancholia.
236
00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:45,760
The night my father died,
I drank two bottles.
237
00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:47,400
Was right as rain in the morning.
238
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:51,080
I... I suppose I could have a small
glass, just to steady the nerves.
239
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:52,280
Because, erm...
240
00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:54,360
I don't think I've ever done
a Christmas without my family...!
241
00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:56,080
No, no, no. None of that, now.
242
00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:57,800
Come on, get that down your gullet.
243
00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:01,400
Phwoa... Gah!
244
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:02,680
Yes, got a kick to it.
245
00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:03,840
Gah!
246
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:05,960
That's the 1978 vintage,
the year you were born.
247
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:07,000
Oh, Aunt Joan...
248
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:09,360
Now, what do the children want?
What can we get for them?
249
00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:10,760
Uh, do you have any Prime?
250
00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:12,440
Manus, no... Prime?
251
00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:14,400
No, don't worry,
he'll have a Coca-Cola.
252
00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:16,280
I've got a cola. I've got a can of
cola here.
253
00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:17,960
There we go. Lovely, lovely.
254
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:19,160
Ah.
255
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:23,240
Come on.
256
00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:24,640
Oh...
257
00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:26,800
I think that's seen better days.
Ludo can have that.
258
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,840
Ludo! Ludo, Ludo, look what's here!
259
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:30,280
Look what's here!
260
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:31,680
Joan.
261
00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:33,920
I got you a Christmas present.
Oh, no, Amanda.
262
00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:35,440
You didn't, you didn't.
Yes, it's just a little...
263
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,520
Oh, that's marvellous! I don't
believe it! It's nothing, Joan!
264
00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:39,760
Oh, don't be silly!
That's tremendous of you!
265
00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:41,600
Look at that!
266
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:43,920
Wowee!
267
00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:45,640
Oh!
268
00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:47,360
Oh, my goodness!
269
00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:49,080
No, Joan! It's for the bath.
270
00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:50,440
The ba... Joan...
271
00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:52,720
I've swallowed it now.
272
00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:55,040
I'll have a bath later, darling,
I'll have a bath later.
273
00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:56,440
Didn't I just gift you that?
274
00:09:57,480 --> 00:09:59,040
Yes.
275
00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:02,480
I loved it so much that I went out
and bought exactly the same one
276
00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:03,840
for Aunt Joan.
277
00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:06,600
I need ice in my whisky.
278
00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:08,400
Oh, you'll find plenty in
the toilet.
279
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:10,560
Now, will you come in here
and sit down, please?
280
00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:11,840
Oh, thank you.
281
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:13,760
Erm, I was actually going to hit
the road. No, no, no.
282
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,480
We're not having you spending
the day alone.
283
00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:18,640
You and Anne are our Christmas
guests of honour, so sit.
284
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:21,280
I've got a goose to go and get out
of the oven.
285
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:24,320
I've never been anyone's Christmas
guest of honour before.
286
00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:26,600
This is the same one.
287
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:27,680
What the hell is this?
288
00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:29,040
It says, "To Amanda.
Love from Anne".
289
00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:31,080
I went out and bought exactly
the same one for Joan.
290
00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:32,760
But then how did this get in here?
I don't know how...
291
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:34,640
GONG CLANGS
Luncheon is served!
292
00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:36,000
Ooh! Lovely.
293
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:37,200
Come on!
294
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:40,800
Oh, uh, those are the photos Gan-Gan
doesn't want anyone seeing.
295
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:42,280
Hmm.Come on, boys!
296
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:45,600
Mm, I'm hungry.
297
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,600
Look, tell him, yes,
it's a larger box,
298
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:51,440
but it's actually
the same value gift,
299
00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:53,520
because I went by money spent.
Anne.
300
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:54,800
Not by volume, OK? Anne?
301
00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:56,680
No devices, please.
I have to go.
302
00:10:56,680 --> 00:10:57,960
OK.
303
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:02,480
Anne... Oh, Mal, don't sit there.
Sorry. Cos of the photos.
304
00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:04,640
We need to match the old pavlova pic
so, yeah.
305
00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:06,640
Mummy needs to sit there.
Joan's here.
306
00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:09,040
Mummy, you're here. No, I need
a clear line to an exit.
307
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:10,560
Well, it... OK.
308
00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:11,800
Well, yeah! We'll...
309
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:13,600
Well, yeah, we can all move round
for pudding.
310
00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:16,800
Here we go! Goosey goosey gander!
311
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:18,280
Oh, wow! Oh, wait, wait.
312
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:19,600
Joan, Joan, stop, stop, stop, stop!
313
00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:21,280
Can you go back in and come back
out? What? I want to film it.
314
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:23,840
For the memories! Just tuck in,
tuck in. Tuck in! Tuck in!
315
00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:25,520
OK, this is going to be so good.
316
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:27,680
Anne, could you just lean out?
Cos the tear stains.
317
00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:29,120
I just miss my family.
318
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:30,720
We know, Anne!
319
00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:32,040
And, yes.
320
00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:33,640
Goosey goosey gander!
321
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,200
Woo, look at that!
322
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:39,080
Well, dig in. We've got a side of
beef, Yorkshires, a ham,
323
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:40,600
and some little piggies in blankets.
324
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:41,920
Mum...
325
00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:43,480
Just eat it. It's Christmas.
Hmm?
326
00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:44,600
What?
327
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:46,320
I'm vegan.
328
00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:50,360
Oh, shit. Are you? It's fine,
I'll just eat the veg.
329
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:52,160
No, you will not just eat the veg.
330
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:53,760
Not on my watch you won't.
331
00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:56,080
I tell you what, I'll...
I'll rustle up a...
332
00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:57,720
..a souffle!
333
00:11:57,720 --> 00:11:59,680
Oh, God. Joan...
334
00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:01,440
Do you see what I mean?
335
00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:02,840
It's just too much.
336
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:05,680
She's just trying to make us
all happy, Mummy.
337
00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:07,800
Anne, uh, did you...?
338
00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:10,320
Did you notice the stuffed stoat
in the hallway?
339
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:13,560
No. No? Oh, let me show you quickly.
340
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:15,320
I'm not that into stoats.
341
00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:16,640
Yes.
342
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:19,080
But, erm, honestly, I think you'll
find this one very interesting.
343
00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:20,680
Come on.
344
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,680
Yeah, I don't know who told you
that I was into stoats.
345
00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:27,920
But, actually, this one is...
is quite unusual.
346
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:29,360
OK, listen, forget the stoat.
347
00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:32,400
I just saw some pictures of Felicity
I wasn't supposed to see,
348
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:34,640
and now I can't unsee what I saw.
349
00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:36,200
God, they weren't nudies, were they?
350
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:37,720
No, they're not nudies.
351
00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:39,760
Is anyone wearing a Nazi uniform?
352
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,880
No! There's no Nazis. Just look.
353
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:45,320
Ooh. Blimey O'Reilly, is that...?
354
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:48,120
Is that Felicity and...
355
00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:49,440
..Sir Mick Jagger?
356
00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:51,480
Yes. Looks like they're on holiday
together.
357
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,360
Jesus, he was such a ride back then.
358
00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:55,600
Yeah, it looks like he was riding
Felicity.
359
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,560
O-M-G. Is...
360
00:12:57,560 --> 00:12:59,720
Is she pregnant? Yes!
361
00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:01,600
And, look, he's holding her stomach.
362
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:03,240
Hmm. And...
363
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:04,720
Summer of '77.
364
00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:09,640
Joan just said that Amanda
was born in '78. Uh-huh.
365
00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:11,680
You don't think Sir Mick Jagger
is...
366
00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:13,520
Mm...
367
00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:14,600
No.
368
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,360
No, no, no. Don't be ridiculous.
What?
369
00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:18,720
I've seen enough episodes of
Ally McBeal to know this is all
370
00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:20,760
purely circumstantial evidence.
Oh...
371
00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:23,320
Just cos it goes clip-clop
doesn't mean it's a zebra.
372
00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:25,960
Guys, come on! We're about to eat.
373
00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:33,320
LIVELY CHATTER
374
00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:35,440
Let me get this on first.
375
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:36,800
I need my glasses on.
376
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:38,320
Here we go, joke!
377
00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:41,640
Why didn't Santa pay for his sleigh?
378
00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:44,680
Why DIDN'T Santa have to pay
for his sleigh?
379
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:46,720
Because it was on the house.
380
00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:48,400
THEY LAUGH
381
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:51,080
Ah... That's so bad,
it's actually quite good. What?
382
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,680
I've got another joke!
383
00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:54,600
How do you titillate an ocelot?
384
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:57,080
I've no idea, Joan.
How DO you titillate an ocelot?
385
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:58,600
You oscillate its tits a lot.
386
00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:00,720
THEY LAUGH
387
00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:02,240
Oh, dear...
388
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:03,720
Not like she bloody wrote it.
389
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:06,080
Go on, Flick. Your turn!
If I must.
390
00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:07,640
Here we go. Whooooo! Whoopee!
391
00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:10,560
Mummy, put the hat on - you'll
need it for the pavlova photo.
392
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:11,840
No, I don't do paper hats.
393
00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:13,880
Flick, do the joke.
Where's the joke?
394
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:16,520
I don't do jokes! Come on, Mummy,
it's Christmas!
395
00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:19,280
Come on, Flick!
Flick! Flick! Flick!
396
00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:21,920
- Gan-Gan! Gan-Gan!
- Flick! Flick! Flick!
397
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:25,640
Do the joke! Do the joke!
Do the joke! Do the joke!
398
00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:27,240
Come on!
399
00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:29,360
What is the coldest country
in the world?
400
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:34,000
I don't know! What is the
coldest country in the world?
401
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:35,960
Russia.
402
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:38,560
Wait...
403
00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:41,760
Uh, I think you're reading
the trivia there, Felicity.
404
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:46,680
Oh, Mummy!
Where are you going, Mummy?
405
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:48,040
We haven't done the photo.
406
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:50,080
I'm going to watch
the King's Speech.
407
00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:53,320
Ooh is it that time?
I love the King's Speech, brilliant!
408
00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:56,360
Everyone fill a glass,
let's go and sit soft.
409
00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:57,920
We can do the pavlova after.
410
00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:03,040
Flick! Flick! Darling, wait for us,
wait for us! Where's Ludo? Ludo!
411
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:04,680
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
412
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:29,560
Very good. Very good, well done!
413
00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:32,160
Oh! Oh, Anne.
414
00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:33,360
There we go! I have to say,
415
00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:35,760
this is the most delicious Cava
I have ever drank.
416
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:38,080
Oh, darling Anne, it's not Cava.
It's champagne.
417
00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:41,000
Real champagne? Yes.
From France? Yes.
418
00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:44,480
I've never had French champagne
from France before.
419
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:45,840
Stop fussing,
420
00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:47,320
I can't see the television.
421
00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:48,920
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!
422
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:51,480
I think Joan is lovely.
423
00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:54,000
Classic Stockholm syndrome.
424
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:57,080
Are you a big fan of
the royal family, Felicity?
425
00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:58,600
Oh, I've met a few of them.
426
00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:00,120
Camilla's a laugh.
427
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:02,680
Probably met a few members
of the rock royal family
428
00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:03,840
in your time?
429
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:07,040
Well, I once lived next door
but one to Chris De Burgh.
430
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:10,640
Er, right! Pavlova time!
Oh, finally!
431
00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:12,200
Get the camera! Get the camera!
432
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:13,280
I don't want pavlova.
433
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:16,240
Mummy - you can't always get what
you want.
434
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:20,520
Uh... Um, actually, I can't
think of food for a bit, Amanda.
435
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:21,880
I overdid it on the parsnips.
436
00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:23,360
You don't have to eat it!
It's just a photo!
437
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:24,960
Oh! I know what we'll do.
438
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,800
We'll have a parlour game
while we all digest.
439
00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:28,880
Who'd like around of
Are You There Moriarty?
440
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:30,800
Oh...
I don't know what that is.
441
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:33,440
What about, um,
Ho Ha Hee? Do you know that?
442
00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:35,080
Or The Minister's Cat?
Do you know that?
443
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:37,480
No, I don't know that one.
No? Pass The Slipper? No.
444
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,800
Fan The Candle?
You must know Hot Cockles?
445
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:40,880
Hot Cockles!
446
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:43,240
I don't know that one! Elephant's
Foot? Oh, for God's sake,
447
00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:45,160
why don't we just play
hide and seek?!
448
00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:46,840
Oh, that's a terrific idea.
449
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,280
OK, yes, that'll be so much fun.
450
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:49,960
Well done, that girl.
451
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:51,200
I'll count 50.
452
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:52,360
Off you go!
Quick, off we go!
453
00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:54,360
And then after this we'll do
the pavlova photo.
454
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:56,120
Right, I'll start now, come on!
One...
455
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:58,960
Joan!
I've started, two...
456
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:00,720
I've started, three...
457
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:05,040
Anything to get away from her.
Four! Better hurry.
458
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:06,640
Five...
459
00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,560
..six...
460
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:09,600
..seven...
461
00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:10,760
..eight... There.
462
00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:13,240
Nine! Ten...
463
00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:16,200
I know, Chris, but I don't know
what you expect me to do about it.
464
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:20,320
I can't make him put on his shoe,
I'm 300 miles away!
465
00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:21,600
Look, I really have to go.
466
00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:26,520
Bloody 'ell.
467
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:28,920
Other people's
Christmases are MENTAL.
468
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:30,320
When are we going to tell her?
469
00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:32,080
What?! Absolutely never.
470
00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:33,760
It's not our family secret,
471
00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:35,600
so we're going to forget
we ever saw those photos.
472
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:37,240
But we did see those photos, Mal.
473
00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:39,440
And I really think Amanda
deserves to know!
474
00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,480
What do I deserve to know?
What the hell...? You're hiding!
475
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:45,600
Yeah, we're playing hide and seek.
476
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:47,160
What do I deserve to know?
477
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:50,560
Ask Mal. Oh, thanks, Anne!
478
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:51,920
Will someone tell me
what's going on?
479
00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:53,160
Just show her the photos.
480
00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:03,840
Are these pictures of my mum
on holiday?
481
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:05,320
What's the big deal?
482
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:06,520
Look who she's with.
483
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,880
Is that Mick Jagger?
Mm-hm.
484
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:12,480
Mummy, you minx!
Sitting on Mick's lap.
485
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:14,800
I sat on Prince Harry's lap
when I was in Mahiki once.
486
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:16,720
Did I get a mention in the book?
487
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:21,120
Oh, my God, she's pregnant.
488
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:23,360
That's hardly a secret.
Keep looking.
489
00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:25,400
AMANDA GASPS
490
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,120
She's smoking! No.
491
00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:30,760
No? No. No? Look at the date
on the back of the photo.
492
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,800
OK. And look who's holding the bump.
493
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:37,760
No. No way. No way.
494
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:40,760
Is my father...?
495
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:44,680
49, 50! Ready or not,
here I come!
496
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,160
Quick, hide! Oh, Jesus!
497
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,240
Er, OK.
Mal...
498
00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:49,400
I feel...
499
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:51,160
I'm actually feeling a bit...
500
00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:52,520
Is that an airing cupboard?
501
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:55,120
OK, er...
502
00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:56,880
JOAN CHUCKLES
503
00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:59,520
They're probably quite close,
they're probably quite close.
504
00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:05,360
Oh, God, I need a snifter!
505
00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:10,080
SHE EXHALES
506
00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:14,000
Wuahhh!
507
00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:21,440
GIGGLING
Shhhh!
508
00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:26,800
Mal, look.
Uh... Uh-huh.
509
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:28,520
It's so weird, isn't it?
Mm.
510
00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:30,240
When you look at us together.
511
00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:33,080
Mal, look. Mal, look! Mal!
512
00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:35,800
Can you open that door, please?
I need some air.
513
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:37,320
This is INSANE!
514
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:40,240
I mean, it's a shock, but
it's also not a shock, you know?
515
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:42,560
Because it explains a lot.
516
00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:45,080
I mean, I wonder if the man
I thought was my father
517
00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:47,680
ever knew the truth?
Poor Daddy.
518
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:50,960
This must be why
my parents divorced.
519
00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:54,360
Maybe Joan told him?
520
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:56,840
That must be why we never see Joan.
521
00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:58,120
That sounds about right.
522
00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:02,960
Can you just pull my sleeve, please?
I've got to get some layers off.
523
00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:06,720
Sh, sh, sh.
She's coming.
524
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:07,760
Who? Oh...
525
00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:11,800
Where are you?!
526
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:15,280
That one's locked.
527
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:17,600
Can't get under there.
528
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:18,920
SOMEONE BREAKS WIND
529
00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:24,080
JOAN CHUCKLES QUIETLY
530
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:25,640
Ha-ha!
531
00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:28,520
Hoist by your own petard, there,
Anne, I think.
532
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:29,920
Oh, my goodness!
533
00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:31,680
My system's not used to champagne.
534
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:33,480
No. Come on, more to find.
535
00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:37,120
MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES
536
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:38,720
Oh, what is it now?!
537
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:42,320
Yes. I need another little snifter.
538
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:48,560
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
539
00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:50,680
Oh! Gotcha!
540
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:52,080
Please don't tell Mum!
541
00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:53,640
I won't if you won't.
542
00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:55,040
Sh!
543
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:57,040
BANGING FROM ABOVE
544
00:20:57,040 --> 00:20:58,400
Oh, upstairs!
545
00:21:00,120 --> 00:21:02,320
I am on my way!
546
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:08,480
Ah, I fainted. I fainted.
Oh, ding-dong!
547
00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:10,200
Christmas comes but once a year.
548
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:12,800
Do you know,
I knew you two were lovebirds.
549
00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:14,440
We're NOT! He just drove us here.
550
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,880
No, no, it was so hot in there
I had to take some clothes off.
551
00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:20,160
Cat's out the bag, Joany.
552
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:21,240
I've seen the photos.
553
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:22,320
Oh.
554
00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:23,800
Yeah.
555
00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:25,160
Spill the tea.
556
00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:27,880
Right. Well, I suppose
it was only a matter of time.
557
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:30,720
But, listen, you're going to have to
speak to your mother about those.
558
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:32,280
Where is she?
559
00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:35,200
I'm buggered if I know,
cos I've searched the whole house.
560
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:36,600
Oh, darling, you stay
with your paramour.
561
00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:38,360
Oh, have you finished?
No, no, stop, Joan!
562
00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:39,840
Can I have some water, please?
563
00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:43,200
Don't panic, that's all I'm going to
say. I don't think you should...
564
00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:45,360
MUMMY?!
565
00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:49,000
Right, OK, let's split up.
566
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:52,280
I'll take the lawn. Joan, you do the
meadow... Meadow. Right.
567
00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:54,560
..and, Anne,
you and the kids check the drive.
568
00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:57,040
Come on, Ludo! Meadow. OK!
569
00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:00,200
Felicity!
570
00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:03,280
Gan-Gan! Mummy!
571
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:07,080
Would you look at this? Huh?
Felicity! Christmas night.
572
00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:09,080
I'd still be doing the washing-up
at home
573
00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:11,560
if I was there right now, yeah?
Not standing here...
574
00:22:13,120 --> 00:22:14,440
..looking at the stars.
575
00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:15,960
MOBILE PHONE CHIMES
576
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:17,960
Sorry, hang on. Sorry.
577
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,840
Oh, God.
578
00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:21,960
Oh! Great.
What?
579
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:24,440
There's a flight
out of Heathrow tonight.
580
00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:27,040
Well, that's good news, isn't it?
Yeah!
581
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:30,280
Great... Yes. Um...
582
00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:35,000
All I have to do now is just...
583
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,160
..click this link to confirm.
584
00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:39,080
Oh, no! Would you look at that?
585
00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:40,480
My phone's after
running out of battery.
586
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:42,840
Oh, no, what a shame!
587
00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:46,680
Oh! I just guess
it wasn't meant to be, huh?
588
00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:48,000
What a bummer.
589
00:22:48,920 --> 00:22:52,360
Just going to have to end up
staying here.
590
00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:54,640
Hey, do you know what?
591
00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:57,040
I'm going to go for a walk!
592
00:22:57,040 --> 00:22:58,280
Yeah!
593
00:22:58,280 --> 00:22:59,560
Felicity!
594
00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:04,800
Bloody 'ell, this stuff is better
than Cava!
595
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:06,000
Felicity!
596
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:09,440
According to Wikipedia,
I have eight brothers and sisters.
597
00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:14,800
Jade Jagger came in once
when I was at Quo Vadis.
598
00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:17,920
I wonder, did she know?
599
00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:20,760
Felicity!
600
00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:23,040
It's mad to think I could be
spending next Christmas with them
601
00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:24,520
in Turks and Caicos.
602
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:26,080
SHE SHRIEKS, THUDS TO THE GROUND
603
00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:27,480
Whoa! Amanda!
604
00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:28,640
Ow!
605
00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:30,920
I just fell in the ha-ha!
606
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:32,520
Are you all right?
607
00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:34,640
Yes, I am all right, Mal!
608
00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:36,280
Why are you laughing?
609
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:38,000
You fell in the...
HE LAUGHS
610
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:39,600
Who falls in a ha-ha?
611
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:41,480
Stop it! It's not funny!
612
00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:43,240
You fell in a ha-ha, come on!
613
00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:46,120
Get up!
614
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:49,480
Amanda! So sorry...
Oh, my God!
615
00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:51,800
Oh, you know what?
Thank you so much for today.
616
00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:54,880
Really.
617
00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:58,480
It beats lying on a couch with
a curry in Harlesden.
618
00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:03,280
DOG BARKS
619
00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:05,120
Is that Joan's dog?
620
00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:06,320
Mummy?
621
00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:08,880
Mummy!
622
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:10,400
Felicity!
623
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:12,880
Stuck in a ha-ha!
624
00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:15,600
What? Ludo, wait, wait!
625
00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:19,240
Ludo!
LUDO WHINES
626
00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:20,720
Huh?
LUDO BARKS
627
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:22,360
Oh!
628
00:24:22,360 --> 00:24:24,960
What do you say?
629
00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:27,360
LUDO BARKS
630
00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:28,640
Aha...
631
00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:31,880
BARKING CONTINUES
632
00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:34,240
Aha! Very Away In A Manger.
633
00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:35,680
Oh!
634
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:37,200
I knew it was too good to last.
635
00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:39,000
Well, you're the last one to
be found,
636
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:40,480
so that makes you the winner!
637
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:41,640
Yes, bravo that girl.
638
00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:44,320
I tell you what, I could do you
a big scoop of the stilton
639
00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:46,000
and I'll crack open
a bottle of port.
640
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:47,440
Stop. We don't have to have port...
641
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:49,280
Just stop talking.
PLEASE.
642
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:52,320
It's too much. It's Christmas.
It's supposed to be too much.
643
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:53,520
No. You're too much.
644
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:56,160
All the joie de vivre,
and endless glee and everything,
645
00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:57,400
it's just... It's just...
646
00:24:57,400 --> 00:24:59,160
Just stop. Please.
647
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:02,240
OK.
648
00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:06,600
I shall stop.
649
00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:11,240
Oh...
650
00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:14,680
Please don't cry.
I'm not crying.
651
00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:15,880
Come on, Joany.
652
00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:18,560
This is what happens when you stop -
653
00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:20,760
the old black dog creeps in and...
654
00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:22,520
Oh, come on, pull yourself together.
655
00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:23,720
Pull yourself together, Joan.
656
00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:25,120
Why are you being like this?
657
00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:27,920
Well, because of you, Flick.
658
00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:29,080
What nonsense.
659
00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:31,840
Do you remember what
they used to call us
660
00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:35,160
on that ghastly old
debutant circuit, hmm?
661
00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:38,320
Great Hair and The Spare.
662
00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:40,720
Actually, that's rather good.
663
00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:43,880
Yes, it was all about the beautiful
Felicity Wyndham,
664
00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:46,920
and I was just the podgy
little sister.
665
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,880
So I decided to be the life
and soul of the party.
666
00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:53,640
Hostess with the mostest, the last
one standing at the barn dance.
667
00:25:55,760 --> 00:26:00,240
And I can tell you something - after
60 bloody years, it's exhausting!
668
00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:04,280
Why didn't you ever say
anything before?
669
00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:06,120
Oh...
670
00:26:06,120 --> 00:26:08,760
Well, it took Amanda to
twist your arm to get you down here.
671
00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:10,040
Mummy?! Oh, it's her.
672
00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:11,560
Oh! Yep...
673
00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:14,160
Yes, we're here, we're here!
674
00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:15,880
Oh...
SHE CHUCKLES
675
00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:19,480
There she is.
676
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:22,360
You know, I've spent the whole day
trying to recreate
677
00:26:22,360 --> 00:26:25,000
the perfect family Christmas.
678
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:29,280
But it turns out my whole life
has been a lie.
679
00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:32,480
Oh, for God's sake, Amanda.
Stop being so melodramatic.
680
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:35,000
Look, let's go inside
and do your moment with the pavlova.
681
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:36,720
Yes! No, Mummy.
682
00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:37,920
I know your secret.
683
00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:40,560
And I know Joan knows.
684
00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:42,440
And that's why you didn't
want to come here.
685
00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:44,200
Because you were worried she'd...
686
00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:45,560
..spill the beans.
687
00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:49,560
What is she talking about?
688
00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:54,040
Mummy, I've seen the photos.
689
00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:57,480
I have in my hand the proof.
690
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:02,120
I'm Sir Mick Jagger's love child.
691
00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:10,480
What?! Give those to me!
692
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:12,000
Give those to me.
693
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:15,600
LAUGHTER INTENSIFIES
694
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:16,920
That's not Mick Jagger!
695
00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:18,880
That's our cousin Rosamund.
696
00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:21,960
Oh, God! I mean, she was rather
Jaggeresque, don't you think?
697
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:23,720
Look, with the slim hips
and everything.
698
00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:25,720
Oh, my God, did you get her round
robin this year? No, I didn't.
699
00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:27,400
They had to put down Pinky.
Oh, no.
700
00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:30,200
OK, so if Mick Jagger isn't
holding your pregnant belly,
701
00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:31,440
then what is the big deal?
702
00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:33,920
Why didn't you want
anyone to see them?
703
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:37,080
The thing is, I wasn't pregnant in
this photograph, I was...
704
00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:38,200
..fat.
705
00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:41,640
What?!
It was the '70s.
706
00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:43,760
I'd just discovered
black forest gateau.
707
00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:47,080
And that's our big family secret?
708
00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:50,320
That you were once fat for a summer?
709
00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:52,160
Yes.
710
00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:54,400
Though your father rather liked it,
711
00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:56,400
and you were conceived
on that holiday.
712
00:27:57,840 --> 00:27:58,880
Oh, God!
713
00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:03,920
I've just sent Georgia May Jagger
a DM.
714
00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:07,760
MAL CLEARS HIS THROAT
715
00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:10,600
Can we, er...head back?
My feet are freezing.
716
00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:13,160
What was she thinking?
717
00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:14,760
Sorry, Joany.
718
00:28:14,760 --> 00:28:16,640
Oh, it's all right, it's all right.
Honestly.
719
00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:20,200
Merry Christmas!
720
00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:21,720
If it's any consolation,
721
00:28:21,720 --> 00:28:25,200
I always felt that Ma and Pa
loved you more than they loved me.
722
00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:27,320
Oh, well...
723
00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:30,400
..I'd have swapped that any day
for a go on a Hemswood brother.
724
00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:31,960
Oooh!
725
00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:34,800
DISCORDANT SINGING
726
00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:36,120
Is that...? Is that singing?
727
00:28:36,120 --> 00:28:38,080
Yes, it's Anne.
728
00:28:38,080 --> 00:28:41,600
Comfort and JOY!
729
00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:46,080
THUD!
Ow!
730
00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:47,440
She's fallen in the ha-ha.
731
00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:50,640
She'll be fine. Come on.
732
00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:55,360
..and then John McClane ties this
hosepipe round his waist,
733
00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:58,480
because he thinks the guy in the
helicopter's going to shoot him,
734
00:28:58,480 --> 00:29:00,320
so he's got no way out.
735
00:29:00,320 --> 00:29:02,040
He ties himself in,
nice and tight...
736
00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:03,440
Is he topless?
737
00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:06,560
No, no, no, but by this point
he's down to his vest.
738
00:29:06,560 --> 00:29:08,640
How is this a Christmas film?
739
00:29:08,640 --> 00:29:09,800
What?!
740
00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:11,880
You all right? Yeah.
741
00:29:14,080 --> 00:29:17,000
I'm sorry Mick Jagger
wasn't your father.
742
00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:18,400
I... I just thought that...
743
00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:21,560
..that I was special.
744
00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:25,240
You are special.
745
00:29:29,720 --> 00:29:31,080
Well, for what it's worth,
746
00:29:31,080 --> 00:29:33,880
I'm sorry you didn't get to sleep
with a Rolling Stone.
747
00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:36,440
Oh, I did sleep with Mick once or
twice back in the day
748
00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:39,080
but not in a way you can get
pregnant.
749
00:29:39,080 --> 00:29:42,160
Right, everyone!
We're going to do Amanda's photo!
750
00:29:42,160 --> 00:29:43,840
Oh, Mummy. What?! Really?!
751
00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:47,240
Mm-hm. Shall I get the pavlova?
I can take the photo for you.
752
00:29:47,240 --> 00:29:49,600
No! Guys, you're all in it! Come on.
753
00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:52,360
There we go. Everyone ready?
754
00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:54,840
I'll just do the timer. Hang on.
We're all here...
755
00:29:54,840 --> 00:29:57,760
Oh, no, the hat! I need a hat!
Quickly, quickly! Hang on, hang on.
756
00:29:57,760 --> 00:29:59,960
OK, everyone, quick, quick, quick!
Come on, everyone!
757
00:29:59,960 --> 00:30:01,800
Sh! Are we ready? Sh, sh, sh!
Say cheese!
758
00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:05,920
CHEEEEEEESE!
759
00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:07,320
Oh, Anne!
760
00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:08,880
There's a girl that likes a pudding!
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