Original subtitles

How about we do something tomorrow? Nice. I could show you my bowling alley.

I'd get the boys to bundle them in the back of the van!

The fucker! All right, Dad? Come here, you! What's going on?

I don't like it. Why?

Cos I always thought we'd have kids.

Oh, hello.

Did the man with dog dicks for fingers chase you again?

What?

That dream you had. Man with dog dicks for fingers.

It wasn't dogs dicks, plural.

He had nine normal fingers.

He had just a dog dick for a thumb.

So what are you doing in my bed, mate?

I, uh...

What?

Is there someone in your bed? Did you shag Jon?

Shhh!

It's not Jon.

It's not that fucker who keeps coming round to watch Friends, is it?

Oh, my God, you are right. Your vagina is a monster.

Oi, mate! Proud Mary!

Jon's a driving instructor, you little punk!

Stop it!

It's Simon.

The fuck?

I know.

Fuck!

I know.

Oh, fuck. I know.

Jesus Christ, Marce. I mean, fuck.

Stop saying fuck.

I've got so many questions.

I mean...

How was it?

It was so weird.

It didn't even feel like us.

He had new moves.

Well, yeah, he probably got them from his wife.

Yeah, I figured that.

Honestly, you don't have to try and make me feel like shit.

I've got this, I'm all over this. Sorry. Sorry.

What were his new moves?

Is that OK? Figure of eight.

Oh, God, that's bleak.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh... Another flashback? Just tell me, come on.

Did you pretend you had new moves?

No. You did! No.

Come on. No. Tell me what you did.

What did you do?

I slapped his balls.

It's all I could think of, I just fucking slapped the shit out of his balls.

Marce?

I'm going to go.

Yeah.

So, listen... I, um...

We just... That wasn't meant to happen.

Obviously, we just got very drunk, so...

We weren't that drunk.

I-I'm not eating carbs so maybe that was...

Mate, I was clearly drunk. We had pizza.

Did I eat it?

Yeah.

Right, I need to leave.

I'll call you later. Don't call me, Simon.

What are you talking about? OK, all right.

Morning, morning!

Seriously...

Dad, why did you bring us back here last night?

Saving your life, Billy William, is what I'm doing.

Now, Lucy, I offered to drop you back, didn't I?

I've no beef with you.

Listen, Dad, I really appreciate the gesture but I'm fine.

Is that right? Hand to God, Dad,

I'm clean. Luce, tell him.

Tell him I'm clean. No, cos you're not fucking clean, are you, Bill?

Just as I fucking thought!

You have been fucking sniffing that stuff again

and lying to my fucking face! Aren't you?

What are you doing? What, are you just going to...

Ow! Keep us here and throw sausages at us? Ha-ha-ha!

Yeah, maybe I will.

Maybe I'll fucking cook up a dozen packs of sausages a day

and throw them at your fucking thick skull until you stop being a junkie!

Huh?! You want that?

Cos I'll fucking give it to you,...

Oh, whoa!.sausage boy!

OK, enough! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm the one who's getting hit with sausages here.

Sorry about this, Lucy,

but what it is...

I'm having an intervention with my son.

No, Michael, you're just throwing sausages.

You want an intervention, let's have an intervention.

Here.

What?

Great, I'll...

I'll just arrange my own intervention then.

See, you fucking...

Gainsbourg takes the le...

It's time to find out what Michael and Kat

think of property number three.

This four bedroom family home has bags of character...

Hello? Hey, you ready?

Who is this?

It's Jon.

It also comes with a small...

Hey, Jon, uh, give it one sec.

Hey, mate, um, will you give me like, uh,

t-ten minutes to get ready? I'll be down, I'll be ten minutes.

Yeah, OK.

You're doing a little joke, aren't you? You didn't really forget?

No, no, yeah, I was just doing a little joke

just a little call-back to... I'm forgetting and stuff...

I won't be long, I won't be long.

OK, yep.

room comes complete with its own

en suite and glorious views of the Kentish coast.

I feel fucking awful. Does this look all right?

You look good. Thoroughly decent. Yeah?

You'd never know you were slapping a married man's balls all night.

Very funny. You're a bad person.

Sorry.

You look really nice.

You OK?

Yeah, um, I'm, uh...

I have a bit of a headache. I I-like your car, though.

Let's ride!

You're nobody till somebody loves you

You're nobody...

Boom!

Got a strike.

Mm.

That's good.

Well done.

Yeah.

Um...

So... So, um, er... What was I...er...

W-what kind of music are you into?

Really?

What? It just seems like kind of a-an odd question to ask.

It does, sorry, I'm being really shit today.

Oh, no, you're not being shit. It's just I'm...

Nessun dorma...

What are you doing, mate? You asked me what type of music I was into.

Yes?

Ma il mio mistero e chiuso in me

II nome mio nessun sapra

No, no, sulla tua bocca

Lo diro

Quando la lu...

Right.

Let's, erm...

Let's get onto destination number two.

Maybe perk you up a bit.

Destination two? That was amazing!

Thank you.

An intervention? Today?

Yep, at his mum's house.

He's sorting out his own intervention?

Mate, their family is insane.

His dad just chucked sausages at him.

Where's Marce? Oh, boy.

Today is not great.

She slept with Simon last night.

Fuck. Right?

Fuck! Yeah.

Simon might be at the intervention.

Oh, fuck.

OK...

That one's you.

Oh, OK.

Which one...looks like, uh, you...

She. That's me. She definitely looks like me.

Look, she shares my essence. Look at her swag! No, no, no.

She's better looking than you.

I mean, don't get me wrong...

You're not bad. Um...

Ah, fuck!

Sorry, I was just being silly.

Oh, no. That was...

That was really funny.

I don't think the alpaca's hotter than you.

I can't believe I even had to say that.

Out loud.

Should we... Listen, I could just take you home.

What? No, I-I'm actually having a really nice day.

Yeah, you're not though. You're acting really weird. It's...

No, I think I'm just a bit, um, er...

I've just been a bit nervous, I just...

Do you know what?

Let's go for a drink.

It's a little bit early for me, but...

It'd be fun, though. And I'll be relaxed more, maybe.

OK.

Yeah? Yeah. Yeah, I won't take you here again.

I mean...

Sit down, girls.

Where's Billy? He's upstairs.

I told him to stay there until we were ready.

Jesus Christ! It's an intervention,

it's not his 18th fecking birthday party!

You shut up, you old donkey!

It's from your side he gets this.

A shower of drunks and lunatics.

Not you, Nora. You're sound.

Are we going to have a song?

Later, pet, later.

Here, have a choccy biccy.

Why's Skinny Pig here?

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Grandma's hands...

OK, if my dad was a food, he'd be like mustard.

Completely overpowering...

and mad.

OK. And your mum? And my mum would be something sort of more...

custard.

Not a great match. No, but both yellow.

Yes. And both, um...

End with "ustard". End with "ustard". Yeah.

Sorry, my phone is going mental.

Fuck.

Is everything OK?

I'm really sorry, I'm...

I'm going to have to go.

Right.

Family crisis.

OK.

My brother... Mm.

has been doing drugs.

And...there's now an intervention.

Jesus, Marcella, the emergency text is...

It's actually insulting.

If you don't want to stay, just go.

I'm sorry, I really do have to go. I'm not lying.

I mean, it sounds...

I have to go. Fine. Go to your brother.

If you have a brother. You're the oddest woman!

Sorry.

Thank God, get in! We've been waiting two hours for you.

I just literally found out it was happeni... Orlando!

Don't pick him up, he's just had a kebab. Pff.

You reek of booze.

Well, I just had to down my wine.

Sorry.

Thank God you're here.

This is insane. I know.

Right, everyone, Billy is coming down.

Woo! Now remember...

Billy!

We all tell him how it makes us feel.

But we can't all talk at once,

so we're going to use this.

All right, mate? All right?

Here, give us that.

Just remember, it's how it makes you feel.

Billy, I'm your father, right?

And you being on them drugs

makes me feel...

like a cunt.

And...and sad.

Very, very sad.

You being on them drugs makes me feel like a very sad cunt.

And angry.

And also scared.

You and Marce...

are the only things that can make me feel both...

fearful and like a cunt,

so stop taking drugs!

Here.

No. No.

Um, Billy? Yep?

I feel like you should stop taking drugs.

Erm...

Just...

say no? Here you are!

You see?! He's not fucking taking this seriously at all!

Is he? Stop!

Stop throwing shit at me!

I am taking it seriously!

Come on, that was funny! Just say no.

Come on! To be fair, I only found out about this about an hour ago,

so haven't had much time to prep.

My turn, my turn.

Mr Sandman, bring me a dream

Make his complexion like peaches and cream

Make his two lips...

Is it my go, is it?

Ahem...

Hello, Billy.

Erm, I love you, you are my brother,

so we'll start with that.

But when you are taking cocaine...

and crack...

I know, he doesn't tell you that but he takes crack

when he takes cocaine and that's it really upsets me.

Erm, I think that you're a bad person.

Like a really horrible...

bad person. I'm not saying you're evil when you're on drugs,

but you're not...

not evil.

And that's almost like you're closer to evil...

Right, well, she's pissed, so...

No, no, I'm not pissed,

I've had a couple of drinks. It's not even six o'clock and you're pissed,

So, don't give it the holier-than-thou with me.

See, what's happening is you're just trying to start

a row so you can storm out and do your drugs.

That's what you're doing, that's what you're doing. Shut up, Marcella.

Oh, Billy, please, not the drugs!

Get off the drugs, Billy.

You and drugs making your dad colour of pig!

And he stomp, stomp, stomp.

No more drugs!

No more, please, Billy!

Come here, don't be upset. So we're not using the conch?

I don't know who this is, I don't even know...who is this?

It's your dad's girlfriend.

Hey, you're all right. You're going to be all right.

Billy,

I am your mother.

And no-one will ever love you as much as I do.

I think that you are brilliant and talented and kind...

Get to the drugs, will you?

You're a wonderful child,

but you and Marce in fairness...

Oh, I knew you wouldn't be able to have a go at the Golden Boy...

Shush, Marcella. I'm just saying, that's how it always plays out for me.

I have the conch. Do you hear me?

Mum, Mum, it's fine...

I have the conch!

And I will be heard!

I am a damn good mother.

Well, I am more than you two spoiled brats' mother.

I feel like the B story in my own life!

You two should be all right by now.

That's it!

Not fucking successful

or happy, necessarily, but OK.

You don't throw yourself away because life is tough or you're not on Emmerdale.

Oh, you all think you should be happy all the time.

I gave enough time.

And I deserve children who are fecking OK!

Do either of you ever think about me? Hm?

Oh, not me as in, "Oh, Mum will sort it," but me as a person?

With my own hopes and needs and heartaches.

Ahem.

Good evening.

Firstly, uh, I would just like to say what a lovely spread.

Erm...

Cheers!

Uh, Billy?

Uh, t-this is weird. Erm...

Yeah, I think when you sort of take drugs, it sort of distances us.

I don't feel like you've been there for me.

Erm...

When you take drugs, you're not a great mate.

Shut up, Simon.

You stayed at Marcella's house last night.

You know, she cried for a whole year when you broke up?

That's, uh, my sister, by the way.

Sorry, um, I interrupted.

You were saying something about being a bad friend?

Well, first of all,

it is physically impossible to cry for a year over someone, so...

Well, you know, you kind of managed that.

Oh, you did. You did.

Everybody shut up!

Unless you have the conch!

As I was saying,

not everyone here has made it through the wilderness like I have.

What's wrong with this fucker?

He's on drugs, Dad.

Fucking drugs?!

Fucking...

I can't believe you slept with Simon.

What were you thinking?

What's the big deal, for fuck's sake?

He's the fricking boyfriend, isn't he? This clown is a fucking junkie!

We split up a year ago, Dad.

Not that you'd know.

Well, how would I know? You always tell me things are fine!

Well, things are not fine!

I thought you were over him.

You worked so hard to get over him.

I thought you finally had your life on track and now...

Well, we didn't mean for it to happen.

Oh, shut up, Simon!

You're a married fucking man!

What were you doing round at your ex-girlfriend's house, huh?

S-she got kicked out for stealing loo roll from the pub.

Hey, hang on a fucking minute!

Why were you stealing toilet paper?!

It's just toilet paper, I didn't steal a car. I just...

I'm a bit broke.

It's more than a bit broke when you can't even afford to wipe your fucking arse!

Uh, ahem, I, on the other hand, have a good job.

Always been an earner, never asked for anything from anyone,

unlike old shitty-arse.

Fuck off, Billy. Fuck off.

By the light of the silvery moon

I want to spoon

With my honey I'll croon love's tune

Honey moon

Keep a-shinin' in June

Your silvery beams

Will bring love's dreams

We'll be cuddlin' soon

By the silvery moon...

This... I don't know the words.

By the light By the light, by the light

Of the silvery moon Of the silvery moon

I want to spoon I want to spoon

A-with my honey I'll croon

Love's tune

Honey moon Honey moon, honey moon...

Guys, it's fine.

I'll...

I will, I'll go back to rehab.

Thank God! Oh, thank fuck for...

Hey, and who'll be paying for that? Huh?

Aww.

Good man.

Thanks, Nana.

Great gig.

Marce?

What, you're going straightaway? Yeah, I mean,

it's been the longest day, so...

I think we need to talk.

I don't want to talk, Simon.

I just want to pretend it never happened.

Why? There's obviously still something there.

Can't deny it. Right, what you want me say?

"Leave your wife. Let's continue as if nothing's happened"?

I mean, we obviously weren't even happy.

Oh.

No, well...

I don't know.

Simon...

I love you. I love you, too.

No, let me finish!

Fucking hell. I just...

It feels really liberating to say that and it not be like a bad thing.

I know...just this isn't right and that's fine now,

and even if I end up on my own and I don't have a family and...

This is just cowardly to try to make this work when...

I'd just rather live on my feet than sit on my knees.

Die on your feet than live on your knees?

Right. Well...

you know what I mean.

Never been good with details.

Onions is onions.

Well, yeah. That's it, onions is onions.

I-I don't care.

You...You do care.

A little bit.

I'm going to go.

Why are we banging on about fucking onions?

See you later.

Well, that is huge progress, Marcella.

Yeah, I feel like I've really turned a corner.

One biscuit and I put the packet back in the cupboard.

I feel like some sort of wizard.

And the Simon thing...

Oh, yeah.

Of course. Um...

That feels done. Dunzo-ed.

And, erm, how are you feeling about tomorrow?

How am I feeling about tomorrow?

Well, you know, nobody knows what the future holds and...

Well, I think I'm just going to try to live a more authentic

version of my life, which I am.

Be a bit braver, be more in the present, you know? It's...

Cos the world's in peril at the moment, when you think about it.

You've got Trump, the rise of the Alt-right, Isis...

And if you let that stuff in your head, you can end up being like...

I-I'm talking about the driving test.

Oh.

Yeah.

Probably need to revise, actually.

Hey. Hi.

How are you?

Fine, thanks, yeah.

Uh, you? Feeling positive?

Yeah.

I think so.

So, um, not everyone passes the first time.

So just relax.

OK. OK.

OK.

Now let's burn some rubber.

Maybe I wasn't as ready as I thought I was.

Maybe I rushed you.

Probably going to need more lessons.

Loads.

Y-you'll need loads.

Like...

Certainly more than five.

Hopefully less than ten.

Mm, I'd say ten.

We can do ten.

Ten seems...

I do a package.

Sometimes I'm in the mood

I want to leave my lonesome home

And sometimes I'm in the mood

I want to hear my milk cow moan

Sometimes I'm in the mood

I want to hit that highway road

But then again...

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