Original subtitles

Why are you dressed like that?

I've just finished work and didn't have time to change, obviously.

Right.

Or did you think I thought, "Oh, I know what Jon might be into.

"Massive fairies."

OK, what have I told you about flirting in a vehicle?

That you're massively into it? Can we just get on with this?

It's been a long day. OK.

These Spanx are so tight.

They have to come off.

What? The shoes, Marcella, sorry.

I'm sorry. The shoes have to come off.

They can't stay on. Spanx are fine.

It's fine, Jon. Your car, your rules.

I'm going to keep the knickers on for a bit, if that's OK with you.

Start the car, Marcella.

Let's burn rubber. No, let's try and master the absolute basics.

Handbrake off. Oh, fucking hell.

You want a war? I'm not playing, you electric fuck shit!

It's not an electric car.

Yeah, so this Simon character. Is he your boyfriend, then?

No, he's my ex. Right. Well, he seems very keen to speak to you.

Well, I'm not keen to speak to him.

We split up over a year ago and two weeks after we split up,

he went to Vegas and married a girl he knew for six days,

on my fucking birthday. So, now he's ringing, like, what, I'm going

to answer the phone? I don't think so.

Come on, you utter spunk basket.

OK, he has phoned four times in the last hour.

It's clearly affecting your concentration.

Why don't you just answer the phone and ask him to stop calling you?

And you can stop hurling insults at my vehicle.

I mean, it's worse than the inane flirting.

OK, mate. I'm trying to park this evil, shitty...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! THUD

That was you. That was you.

Hello? Marce? So, what's going on?

I've been trying to call you. Why aren't you picking up?

I thought we were going to meet. I... Yeah, I...

Why didn't you even turn up? I need to see you.

Uh, shoes.

What? What shoes?

Some horrible man took my shoes.

It's a long story. Jesus Christ. Right, OK, well, whatever, look.

Marce, is it all right if we meet up later today, say, I don't know,

three o'clock, Cafe Nord?

OK. Great, thank you. It'll be good to see you.

Yeah, no, I...

That's my nan. I've really got to go.

I'll see you later, OK? Three o'clock. Bye. Yeah...

Yeah. The thing is, Simon, I don't actually want to meet you, actually.

Sorry, but shit has changed and there's a new sheriff in town.

And that's me, and I have cleaned this town up.

So, I hope that is crystal clear,

cos I'm trying to learn to drive today. So, thank you for checking

in, but really appreciate if you keep your distance.

Comprende?

What time are you meeting him?

Three o'clock.

Oh. Hi, Marcella.

Hey, Linda. I thought you were Gerardo's pizza.

No, just me, I'm afraid.

I've been waiting over an hour.

Probably give them a call.

I have, twice.

I'm scared if I call him again,

someone might wipe his arse on my pizza, or worse.

Is there worse? You're so naive.

They could sprinkle it with dog shit if they wanted, babe.

If they used the cheese grater, I'd barely be able to notice.

OK, then, don't call them.

You've got a lot of mail. What the hell?

Oh, yeah.

I'm going on a little walking holiday in the summer.

You know, a bit of me time.

Wild.

What? You're reading Wild.

Oh, yeah. But I had the idea before I read it.

Yeah, been there, mate. After I read Eat, Pray, Love,

I bought myself an axe and a Tangle Teezer.

What? What's an axe and a Tangle Teezer got to do with

Eat, Pray, Love? I don't know.

I'm not a psychologist, bitch.

One minute, I'm reading the book, yeah, and then the next minute...

Oh, he's here. He's here.

Are you clean, boy?

DEN-zel Washington. It's Den-ZEL, mate, Trust me.

YouTube it!

How do I look?

Fine. Fine?

Oh, yeah. That's what I was going for. Heavy dose of fine.

OK, honestly, you look a bit like you're going

to your sugar daddy's funeral.

OK. Well, I'm going to take that as a compliment.

The chain looks a bit like you're about to do a TED Talk on animation.

It's... It's not very you.

What you mean, it's not very me?

I love animation. I love the Simpsons.

Marce, what are you going to say

if he says he still has feelings for you?

That's not what this is. I mean, look, sure,

it's nice to be missed. Good! Don't forget how far you've come.

It's... It's been a long year.

You look lovely. Cleavage is a bit much.

Yeah, I couldn't really... I've tried to...

Everything's dirty.

Hey. Hey.

You all right?

Can I get a flat white, please?

And a bit of cake.

Cake, what kind? I don't mind.

I'll let you... Any.

I've got many different kinds.

Walnut cake, carrot cake, chocolate mousse cake, double chocolate...

Battenberg!

Generic bit of your nice cake, please.

So, how are you?

I'm not great, Pud.

Sorry, Marcella.

Funny, I never really called you Marcella, did I?

12 years of going out

and I called you by your proper name, what, five times?

Right.

You OK? Good? Yeah, yeah.

Keeping busy.

Do a lot of Pilates now, and sort of got heavily into animation.

So, why the call?

Showing up at my work? Say what you've got to say.

Marce, I was trying to tell you at the office, it's my mum.

She...

She died.

What? Yeah. She's dead.

Oh, my God.

When? Last Tuesday.

She'd had a stroke.

I mean, I wasn't even here, you know?

I hadn't seen her in over a year.

It's just came out of nowhere, you know?

I know what she meant to you. She was a lovely woman. She adored you.

I mean, she was furious with me for...

Fucking hell, Marce. I'm such a mess.

I've been trying to keep it together for my dad and Ange,

but I just feel like such a stupid little boy.

I'm so sorry.

OK, one flat white, and I went for the red velvet.

Not my personal favourite, but I just thought maybe you'd like...

Put it down. Put down the cake.

When's the funeral? It's at St John's.

It's Wednesday at 11. You'll be there, won't you?

Of course, I'll come. You're not

going to blag your way out of it like last time? What? Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

I thought...

What? What did you think?

I thought I'd text...

I thought I'd said I'd text back, and I just hadn't, and I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. Of course, I'll be there.

It's good to see your face, Marce.

I've got to go, cos I've got all the family back at the house.

Yeah, of course. I should be there, you know.

Thank you.

You have had quite a week.

How have you dealt with the stress?

The trinity: carbs, fags, wine.

And how many units of alcohol would you say you drink a week?

Not loads.

A little more than I should.

And have you ever done something you've regretted because of alcohol?

Yeah, of course I've done things have regretted because of alcohol.

Yeah, I'm not up for this.

I think we should just use your one.

I don't... I haven't...

I've never... Come on!

Get your one out.

OK, have you ever taken drugs?

I smoke weed a bit.

But I've only taken Class As once, years ago.

Only the once? And yet you seem like somebody with no willpower

whatsoever, and you've only taken... OK.

Got it!

Hot ice.

Turn up the sound a bit, Marce. It sounds bad, like, not cool.

Never mention it again, please.

Oi, oh, this is hot.

It was my big idea of...

I can't believe I've invented hot ice.

Why? Ice is meant to be cold.

You shouldn't have done this.

Hot ice! Freaking me out.

I'm out. Hot ice. I want cold ice. Hot ice! Cold ice.

Hot ice!

I was up for nine hours trying to bend water, so...

first and last time.

Also, my brother Billy does have a proper drugs problem

so...I leave the drugs to him.

Did you use any of the techniques we discussed last week?

Wh... uh... The gratitude journal.

Yes, I did! Oh! Uh, yes. Fantastic.

Oh. It was a pretty chaotic week, uh, what with, you know,

Simon and the funeral and stuff, so...

Of course, the funeral, yeah.

And you must've been very anxious to meet his wife?

No, it was about the funeral and Simon, I'm...

I hadn't even thought about seeing her.

Stop that.

Thanks for coming. No worries.

Thank you.

This is, um, my wife Tanya.

You're just too good to be true

Can't take my eyes off of you.

Oh, you OK? God! Let's have a look. Are you all right?

Yeah. I'm such a dickhead, look at my knees.

Don't worry. Tanya, this is Marcella.

Hello, Tanya, nice to meet you.

You're Marcella, nice... to meet you.

Are you American?

No, I'm from Kentish Town.

This is Carol. Hi. Hey. You just working out there, or...?

Oh, it's a bit of a weird story.

Just booked a flight out to the States on a whim, you know,

a bit of me time. Met Simon, and then we, um...

Yeah, we know the next bit.

So, are you going to come to the house for the reception?

Uh, I'm not sure, uh, maybe not...

Really? I'd really like to...

I mean, Dad and Andrew would like to see you there, I'm sure.

Um...

Hello, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Oh, thank you. Such a shock.

But I'm glad to see you two have worked things out. That's wonderful.

No, it's not. It'll make her ever so happy to see you two back together.

She used to say, "Those two, they're always either fucking or fighting."

No middle ground!

Thank you so much for coming.

She was in the bakery, you know, with me...

Yeah, like I said, I'm probably going to go.

Well, it couldn't get any more awkward, so...

Fucking hell.

I'm having a 'mare here.

Don't worry. We're the only ones who saw that.

Sorry about that. Oh, it's so...

A bird shat on her.

You all right?

We're going to go. Of course, yeah.

Um, thanks for coming.

Come on, let's go. It's like he was looking for me.

Let's get you all the wine.

Lucky!

What? Bird shit.

Lucky for birds to shit... Yeah, so, how was the wife?

Well, she looks just like me.

And she's a mess.

I'm a mess.

I mean, if you wanted mess, I'm Captain Mess.

I'm the mess that mess makes.

Yeah, I get it, Marcella.

You're a wrestling character.

It's just he married the first mess he met after me.

And I mean, she's got all the things I thought he hated about me,

and that's a head fuck.

So, you don't like her.

Well, now she's a real person, isn't she? She's all...

nice, and flawed, and vulnerable.

She's taken away my God-given right to hate her.

That's just indefensible. Mm-hm.

You know, cos if she was a nice person,

she would have the decency to be a bitch.

All right. Now, Simon thinks we're friends.

I've had sex with that man over 1,000 times.

It's not normal to be friends with someone you've had sex with over

1,000 times. Um...

So, you think the amount of times you have sex with someone affects

the chances of friendship after?

Of course.

Like, probably the most you can have sex with someone and stay friends is

twice.

Three times if you're travelling.

I've got your picture

That you gave to me

And it's signed with love

Just like it used to be

All right, you're not going to put me off, so...

You haven't planned anything, you mad bastard, not one single thing.

Do you even know what this does? No, that...that's the point.

If I overthink it, I won't go, and I really need to get Simon out of my head.

It's not that big a deal,

I'm, uh, just heading off, you know, connect with nature.

Connecting with nature?

You called 999 that time a robin came through our kitchen window.

Cos I thought it had rabies!

Exactly, you thought a robin had rabies.

Right, will he wasn't right, was he? You were there. You're not right!

OK, you're getting on my nerves now. Don't leave pissed off.

I'm not leaving pissed off. I've got thicker skin than that, love.

Yeah, I'm going to bloody... Marcella, we're only mucking about.

Oh, yeah? It feels like you're trying to humiliate me, actually.

It feels like I'm trying to do something positive...

Yeah, carry on, carry on.

Oh...oh, no.

Oh...

Woof!

Ruff!

Aww. Looks like she's having a nice time, to be fair.

Oh, you again.

What do you want? I've got nothing, mate, look at me.

Two days you've been following me round.

I bet it was you at my tent last night, wasn't it?

Should never have given you those fucking Quavers.

Fucking hell.

SHE GROANS

Come on.

I don't suppose you know where a coffee shop is or...

taxi rank.

Fuck it.

See you later, mate.

You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille

With four hungry children...

Fucking hell!

And a crop in the field...

Gah!

I've had some bad times

Lived through some sad times...

Ugh, God.

But this time your hurtin' won't heal...

Oh, fuck off!

You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille.

After he left us...

No!

Where's the fucking exit?

Oh, my God! Are you OK?

I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse the state of me,

I've been very lost.

Lost where? I've been trekking in the wilderness for two days.

Trekking round here?

Yeah.

The forest and the mountains.

Do you mean Gantham Hill Woods?

Are they big? You spent two days lost...

in Gantham Hill Woods.

Please, I can't, no...no more questions.

I'm obviously wounded.

I need to get to the station, I need to get back to London.

Oh.

It's a bit of a way to the station.

Hello? Hello, it's Jon.

Uh, listen, I've just knocked on your door

and your flatmate said that you're camping.

Do you not want to learn to drive?

I mean, it's fine, it's just really weird, uh,

not to cancel before I show up.

No, no, I do, I do want to learn to drive.

I do, I-I thought I'd be back by now, I just...

I just got really lost. Where are you?

Some caff near Gantham Hill Woods.

Erm, it's a bistro, thank you very much.

We do beef bourguignon.

Well, erm...

I've been paid. I don't like being paid and not providing.

I'll head out and pick you up. Really?

What's the postcode?

It's, uh, um...

No, you can't, it's mad.

I mean, it defeats the point of what I'm trying to do

and I'm a feminist.

Yeah, and there's no more fucking trains!

Wait, wait, uh, KT26AV.

OK.

Don't move.

OK, all right, bye-bye.

Could I, uh, get some of that bourguignon, then, please?

Like a large, do you do a large bourguignon and...

C-couple of chips? Some chips?

Are we home?

Thank you so, so much.

You're very welcome. I really appreciate it.

And I am very aware, um,

I may stink.

Yeah, you stink, all right.

I don't, I don't...

I don't really stink.

There's no way around it, you stink.

Right.

Well, I won't be inviting you inside, then.

Why not?

Goodnight, Marcella.

I?I need to get my stuff.

I still stin...

Can I come in?

I just need to see you.

Sorry.

I just need to be near you. Sorry. Sorry!

O-OK, you need to keep your voice down.

Why are you being so formal with me?

Why are you being like, "It's cool, we're cool"?

It's like, it's not cool, Marce, my mum's dead.

Sorry. I'm sorry, it's me.

I'm sorry, Marce. What are you doing?

C-Can I just come in for a bit?

No, listen, listen, I'm going to call you an Uber.

I don't want an Uber! Well, what do you want from me?

I'm trying to be a good person here, but I don't know how to act now.

I don't know what...what do you expect from me?

Arsehole!

Can I...can I just lie down for a bit?

No, Simon, go and lie down with your wife.

How could you fucking marry her?

How could you fucking do that?

Sorry. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have.

Mind the steps, Simon!

I know the reason you've been crying

Whoa, yes

I heard she won't be needing you

How does it feel being the one left behind?

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