Original subtitles

If you're happy and you know it Clap your hands

If you're happy and you know it Then you really ought to show it

If you're happy and you know it Clap your hands...

Excuse me, can you wake up, please?

There's a chicken, um, in the freezer there.

Come on. This is not on.

Wake up!

Ta-dah!

I'm the sleeping princess.

Get out.

I was in the middle of doing the sleeping princess routine, so...

No-one is taught but...

It's sort of like a feminist metaphor.

A feminist metaphor?

You had red wine lips when you got here.

I... That's not red.

It's hereditary, actually.

I have a condition.

You do not show up around children with red wine lips.

Oh, not red wine lips!

Oh, God! How will my children cope?

They've seen red wine lips!

The world is full of red wine lips, lady.

That doesn't even make sense.

Come on. Let's go.

Sorry, kid.

Happy birthday.

Eurgh!

You have nits! You have nits, mate.

Huh, looky here

When you wear your wigs, baby

You wear your dresses tight

You wear your foxy fur, baby

When you step out late at night, hey

You looking good

Oh

So good

Looky here

You looking good

Just like I knew that you would

All right, looky here.

Wake up, Cinderella. It's four o'clock in the afternoon.

Hey, Luce.

Where've you been?

Pilates. Gross.

Oh, God. I'm so hungover.

Mm, yeah, I gathered. Surprised you made it into work.

I heard you coming in at six this morning.

I think I was still pissed when I got there.

Give us a crisp.

The fuck are they? Dried seaweed slices.

Anyway, why were you caning it last night when you knew you had work?

Must've just forgot I had a booking.

I mean...

They taste like Isis.

You need to stay off Simon's Instagram.

It sends you bat shit each time you go through it.

What?

We get it, you like hats.

I hope you get fat.

A big fat face.

I'm glad you're in America.

Dicks.

Oh...

No, no. No, no, please! No, please, make it not be!

"You got shit hat."

I'm presuming you liked it by accident, fine,

but why in the name of God did you leave comments?

I don't know. You liked 30 photos. It looks like a threat!

What other choice did I have?

You could've un-liked it. What?

That's not a thing. That's a thing.

You can't... You can un-like Instagram photos?

Fucking hell!

Simon just texted me asking you to call him.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

She got pissed and went on a Instagram frenzy. Look.

Oh, God.

Oh, mate...

It's been over a year. He got married.

"You hat wearing pair of shit hawks."

Nice. You need to speak to your therapist about this.

Oh, therapy. What time is it?

What time is it?!

I'm so late!

Get this off.

Get this... Get this dress off me!

Also, it's life coaching, not therapy. I don't need therapy!

Hello, Marcella. I'm Graham and I'm 45 years of age.

OK.

Hello.

So, now your hair... Here!

Um, let's hit this.

Why do you feel you need life coaching?

My mum got me these for a gift, you know.

These sessions are just a present, so I don't...

Oh, you're the Groupon client.

Oh, maybe. It sounds like my mum.

Wow. OK. So, tell me a little bit about yourself.

Your hopes. Your dreams.

Uh, well, it's acting.

I'm an actress, so it's just acting.

And when was your last acting job?

The tail, you boss-eyed little Tory!

Is that an acting job?

Well, I'm not a bloody mermaid, am I, mate? So...

No, it's not. No.

It's not the RSC, but it keeps my hand in.

And it provides you with a living.

But I also temp in offices.

And that suits me, because time off for auditions and stuff, you know.

Well, when was your last audition? Mmm.

I see where you're going with this.

You won't break me.

Do you have a partner?

No.

Unless you mean in crime.

No, I don't mean in crime.

Yeah, I didn't mean...

I didn't think...

that.

I'm going to get this call,

but don't take that as some kind of diversion,

cos I am enjoying this chat. Hard.

Hello. Hey.

Just a little thing, um, did you pull last night?

Yeah, well...

Technically a man came back with me, but it wasn't...

We didn't... Right.

How much detail do you want, mate? Did we wake you up? Oh, no.

No, you and...

What's your name, lovely? Stephen.

Yeah, you and Stephen didn't wake me up. Are you fucking kidding me?

He's still there? He said, "Marcella said I could hang for a bit."

Yeah, a bit. 5:30's not a bit, it's a bunch!

I didn't say he could stay for a bunch of time.

Well, why didn't you check he'd gone when you came home?

He is freaking me out.

He's fine. He's fine.

Mate, he has never seen Friends.

This... This is great!

Ross, this guy, has the hots for Rachel

and she's friends with Monica.

OK. Yeah. That's not right.

You need to probably get him out. Get him out, I reckon.

Listen, I'm really sorry, I have to go.

Marcella!

Hey, Stephen. The cat is smelly.

The cat stinks!

Sorry about that, it was...a butcher.

I'd ordered some chops.

OK, Marcella.

What are you scared of?

What do you fear?

Oh, why didn't we unplug our chargers?

Your Majesty.

There's no more cheese! No!

All the cheese is gone!

NO!

No cheese! There's got to be cheese!

Erm...

Nothing, really.

Can't really think of anything off the top of my head.

We have a lot of work to do.

Cal?

Sorry about earlier.

I should've checked he was gone. Yeah, you should have.

It's fine. We watched a couple of episodes of Friends and he left.

I take it nothing...went in? Shh.

Sorry.

You're in bed early. Yeah, starting a new temp job tomorrow.

Six weeks of fresh hell.

Where've you guys been? Oh, we were at a TED Talk.

Workers' rights in globalised industries.

Oh, my God, it was absolutely amazing.

Some of the case...

Dick. No, no. I'm into it now.

You're disgusting. Don't stop. Don't leave me high and dry.

I'm leaving now. Goodnight. Tell me, what was everyone wearing?

Come on.

Hello? Hello, Marcella, it's John, your driving instructor.

I'm outside.

What?

You haven't forgotten?

No, I haven't. I haven't forgotten.

I haven't forgotten. I'll be down in, like, five minutes.

Hey, what's your surname?

Sorry? Well, just, it's my third lesson with you and I don't know

your surname. It's a bit weird. What's your surname? It's Gosling.

Gosling?

As in Ryan Gosling?

That is mental.

Gosling, really?

No. It's, uh, it's White.

Oh.

Oh, OK.

Good, you're still here, Michelle.

I urgently shmurgently need 22 copies of each of these

and if you could bind them and courier them before seven,

it would be so much appreciated. The thing is, Jane... 7pm.

Or the carriage turns into a pumpkin, Michelle.

Yeah, that's, that's your cue to tell her that

you've booked a driving lesson

and that it would be unacceptable shmunacceptable to bail

when he is waiting outside.

I'm really sorry. Fine.

It's fine. It's your own money you're wasting.

I've been paid, so... I'll see you next week. Bye.

Goodnight, Caroline. Night, Peter.

All right, Cal?

Simon.

Hello.

I thought you were still in the States. Yeah, I am.

I just had to come back for a bit. Oh, OK. Is everything OK, or...?

Well, I've been trying to get hold of Marcella, um,

a bunch of times last few days. Has she changed her number?

No, no. She's, um, still on the same number.

I think she's... She's probably just, um...

You know. Yeah.

I really need to talk to her, Cal.

OK. It's important.

Yeah, I'll let her know.

If it, um...

If it... It was me who wrote those comments on your Instagram photos.

So, if that's, um, the problem, Marcella left herself logged on.

I thought it was funny.

Yeah. Yeah, it did seem a bit odd, actually.

Yeah. Yeah, stuff about Henry was a bit...bit below the belt.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, what did I say Henry again?

Henry is a fat wanker.

Not the nicest thing to say about someone's nephew, is it? No.

Maybe delete that. Absolutely.

I mean, you know, he's three years old.

Not nice.

And in a wheelchair.

Yeah, good to see you're still covering for Marcella. Yeah.

All right. Well, just tell her I need to talk to her, please. Yes.

Trying to get hold of her, yeah? Of course.

Thank you.

Jesus.

Hello?

Who the fuck are you?

I'm, um...Marcella.

I'm...I'm a temp. I'm...

I'm new.

So, how long are you going to smoke that cigarette for?

See, the thing is, I am going to throw myself off this roof

and would, you know, appreciate a minute to myself.

Not long.

Well, I've just started it, really, so like...

probably about ten minutes and then...

Wow! They are really...

I mean, they are incredible shoes.

You know what? Have them.

Take them! They're yours. No, no, please!

I'll die barefoot.

Please, I don't want your stuff! I don't know what to say!

But I do know that if you throw yourself off this building,

it's going to be really bad.

For me. Like, I won't get over this.

I mean, it'll ruin my life,

I mean, I saw my dog get run over when I was a kid and...

Just shut up, shut the fuck up!

I fucked everything up, you have no idea.

Mate, everyone feels like that! Everyone!

My life's a piece of shit.

How is your life a piece of shit?

I'm a...

I'm an actor who hasn't acted in anything in four years.

I'm 28 grand in debt.

Wait! My boyfriend, my boyfriend I was with for 12 years

married a girl he knew for six days in Vegas.

I've got fat hands!

I just got really fat and I don't know when it happened.

Christ.

It sounds like you should jump, mate.

Yeah. Yeah.

So what have you acted in? What?

What kind of acting stuff do you do?

Well, I went to drama school, so, all kinds of stuff, really.

Oh, God!

No! No! No!

Small parts.

Victims.

Mainly victims.

Thank you.

Have you got any music on your phone?

Yeah. Play something.

Yeah, um...

what do you want to listen to? Anything. Just press play.

Plays.

And draw attention to your mouth.

A woman's mouth reminds a man... Sorry.

One programming technique that will help you to give up cake.

I believe in myself.

I have qualities and skills to be able to reach my goals. Oh, God!

Just give it to me. I'll choose something.

Please, please, please, please don't jump!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Your dog tried to kill itself or something.

No, he got run... He got...

Never seen so much self help.

I see the stop smoking one's going well. Cut down.

Who's Simon? Why are you reading my texts?

He wants to know why you haven't called him back.

You had sex with someone who's never seen Friends?

No, no, I didn't have sex with him, I haven't had sex in over a year.

Over a year? Yeah.

Fucking hell.

Oh, yeah. Fucking love this song!

Really, it's a great song.

It's one of my absolute favourites.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

What's your name? Marcella.

Marcella...

Let me just listen to this and then I'll come down.

You're not going to jump? No, not tonight.

Not here. You sort of fucked up my plan.

Sorry, but thank you.

Just sit here.

Let's just be quiet for a bit.

And then we'll come down.

Yeah. Together. Yeah.

It's all right, it's OK.

I'll speak a little louder

I'll even shout

You know that I'm proud and I can't get the words out

Oh, I...

I want to be with you everywhere

Oh, I...

I want to be with you everywhere.

Oh, God!

It's OK, Amy, we've got her. Told you she was depressed, Martin.

No-one eats a mountain of profiteroles

three days in the trot for lunch.

No, I... I wasn't...! It's OK. It's OK.

Look, I know you're sad. I know you must feel alone.

There, there.

Does anyone know this temp's name?

I'm sorry you weren't invited to the office party tonight.

No, I wasn't, I wasn't, I wasn't. It was...

Shh! Shh!

Shut your sweet mouth. Shut your sweet mouth, child.

I waited!

I didn't really have any... I can't drive.

I know, that's why I'm here. No, no. I mean I can't...

I can't drive now. Oh, OK.

Uh...

Get in the car, I'll...I'll take you home.

Right.

So, everyone thinks it was you that tried to commit suicide.

OK, well, that...

That is pretty stressful.

Yeah. What'd you do when you...?

I mean, obviously, you told them straight away.

Yeah.

Give or take.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

You have nothing to be sorry for, Marcella.

OK, I'm really sorry. No, no. Nothing at all to worry about.

No stress at all.

OK. OK. It's a lovely day. Come on.

Hi, Marcella!

Marcella, would you like to get lunch?

You look gorgeous, Marcella.

Tea, Marcella? Hi, Marcella.

Here, have these.

Uh, thank you.

Billy Elliot tickets? Enjoy.

Thank you. I'll need these by 5, lovely.

Oh, that's not actually my job. Those would be...

It's fine.

Are these for me?

The thing is, I find I get very low without sugar.

We love you, Marcella!

So, you didn't tell them?

Because of the perks?

Listen, I was going to tell them.

It wasn't the perk...

They were being nice to me.

It was only a six-week placement.

Was?

I flew too close to the sun.

Meet Timmy, the world's cutest dog.

Isn't he adorable?

Marcella, can I have a word, please? Yeah, all right.

So, how are you feeling?

Yeah, um...

Good, fine.

Amy e-mailed me.

Amy?

My saviour. You're despicable!

What?

Amy told me that she was the one who was trying to commit suicide,

not you.

What the fuck are you doing?

No, no, no, there's...

A mistake is happening here.

I think you've read the e-mail wrong.

I gave you Billy Elliot tickets.

Yes, and it's a really uplifting show.

It's probably, definitely one of the reasons why I'm probably, you know,

doing a bit better. I'm not so jumpy.

You're not fucking suicidal!

But I'm not happy. Oh, get out!

Get out! I'm so disappointed in you!

Cos I'm not suicidal?

Really?

I take it we're not going to go to Brighton?

Right. Fine, fine.

Liar! You're a minger.

I gave you soup! I can't believe you.

You fucking monster!

Really? Really? Naughty girl!

I mean, OK. Right, that's...

OK, I'm actually... I'm a hero.

I saved her life. That's what happened.

You lot are all making it look like I came in here, like,

"Oh, I hope someone gives me a super bag of Quavers."

Like, "Oh, please buy me a bacon sandwich. I'm suicidal."

I saved her life.

I didn't... I'm not suicidal,

but I am a hero and I would like to be treated...

Get out!

Fine, I'm going!

"Well, how can I get you Billy Elliot tickets?

"I know, pretend you're suicidal."

Simon. Mars, what's going on?

What the fuck are you doing here?

Mars! Mars!

Mars, I need you. I need to talk to you, OK?

Just let me get...

I need to get my head around the fact that you're in the country,

but let me... I'll meet you tomorrow. I'll meet you tomorrow.

Please tell me you haven't forgotten again.

No, no, I haven't. I haven't forgotten.

Mars!

I think you should leave this job.

What a shit storm.

So, what happened when you met Simon?

I didn't show up.

Just turned my phone off.

Fuck him, too late to come crawling back now, right? So...

Why aren't you writing that down?

Got rid of the deadwood, making progress.

Sort of.

We were on a break!

Anybody want some dinner? Oh, no.

Stephen just came round to watch an episode of Friends. He's going soon.

Could I be any more hungry?

What the fuck?

There are two Phoebes?

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