Original subtitles

Thank you.

Morning, sheriff.

Maple bar and Vinspresso to go?

Am I that predictable?

I would say "consistent."...

Don't they look happy?

- Zane. - Carter.

That's nice.

So...

You're back together.

- We're working on it. - Congratulations.

Maybe now he'll stop giving you the stink eye.

Well, he's still having some issues

with our, matrix relationship.

Yeah. So is Allison.

Like that would ever happen in the real world, right?

I know, right?

Okay, so... I gotta head back to GD.

Warren Hughes is coming from D.O.D. Human Resources.

I love that little guy. Say hi for me.

Or you can tell him yourself.

He's conducting reviews of all the Astraeus crew members

to ensure they're fit to return to work at GD.

- And the fun never stops. - Yeah.

So you and I, we're... We're good, right?

Yeah.

No more weirdness?

No.

Good.

That was weird.

Here you go, sheriff. And...

Looks like Zane forgot his sunglasses.

I'll give 'em to him.

Nice shades, ponch.

Jackass.

Who gave you the authority to reactivate

the matrix mainframe?

- Shut it down. - Yes, director.

I want this thing dismantled and locked in the vault.

D.O.D. orders.

Fargo, hang on. I did.

That program killed Dr. Marten.

I want it mothballed.

Yeah, I get that, man.

We all miss her.

But maybe understanding what happened

would give you, I don't know, some sense of closure.

Isn't that what Holly would want?

Holly's gone. And I want that thing gone... today.

Come on.

Make sure the crew's medical files

are ready for review.

Okay, Dr. Blake.

I don't think I'm gonna make lunch today.

Yeah. Jo told me Warren's in town.

Yes. And everything must go smoothly.

People's jobs rely on it.

So no pressure, then.

I just want to get through this

and get everything back to normal.

Yeah.

So you were with Jo today?

Actually, she was with Zane.

And is with Zane, 'cause we're in the real world.

You know? But I might have to talk to her from time to time.

Of course you will.-...

My favorite couple!

Warren!

Well...

I heard about your ordeal.

Terrible loss, Dr. Marten. I'm very sorry.

Thank you. It was a shock to all of us,

well, I don't want to add to your stress,

so I'll keep these evaluations as casual as possible.

Think recreation therapy, not inquisition.

Okay.

Well, I think theAstraeuscrew

will appreciate that.

I'm breezy.

But in case things don't go well,

sheriff, I'll need you to handle the redactions.

That doesn't sound "breezy."

Well, let's get started.

Good luck.

Warren, this is Dr. Fowler,

the Astraeus crew's particle physicist.

Thank you for seeing me first, Mr. Hughes.

I get test anxiety.

No need, Dr. Fowler.

You must be glad to be getting back to normal life

after your ordeal.

Definitely.

I'm getting used to reality again,

and I was able to apply one of my virtual breakthroughs

to my work here.

Take a look.

Steak! This is gonna be a good experiment.

I calculated the wave functions necessary

to transport organic material across space-time

using quantum entanglement.

Safety goggles, please.

- Well... - Okay...

Here we go.

- Very impressive. - Yeah,

but who'd want to eat it now?

I mean, you don't know where it's been.

How does the reconstructed tissue

compare to the original?

Darn near identical.

We're still working out a few minor issues.

Look out! Look out!

Sheriff, are you all right?

I'll never eat burgers again.

I don't know what happened.

All the other tests went perfectly.

Can I get a towel?

Clean it up and run a diagnostic.

Dr. Fargo...

Clearly, Dr. Fowler rushed his work

in order to impress me.

Work he developed when he was jacked into the program.

- Yes... - This accident was

a direct result of his trauma!

So he's redacted pending further evaluation.

Redacted?

I'm very sorry.

Now, Dr. Fargo, I have something special planned

for your review.

I think I'm deaf.

This is my evaluation?

Yes. I found that recreation therapy

helps people to relax and open up.

And your file says that laser tag is

a favorite activity.

Well, I did Captain the Eureka team

that schooled Los Alamos three years running.

Excellent.

Shall we start, then?

Bring it.

I told you I needed things to go smoothly today.

I didn't explode the tenderloin.

And, man, what a waste!

Well, your eardrums aren't ruptured.

I think you'll be fine.

Well, except I was gonna enjoy my day with you,

and now I'm stuck with Jo doing... redactions.

Well, maybe I'll have to keep you under observation

for a little longer.

You know, just to be on the safe side.

Right. Right.

Is this where it hurts?

So how's your health?

Any changes in diet?

Appetite?

Sleep pattern?

No, no, and no!

- It was this side too. - Yeah?

Yeah, it was both for sure. It was... yeah.

I like medicine.

Jack!

Jack, what are you doing?

What the frak?

EUREKA S05 Ep05 - Jack of All Trades

Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com

My God!

Here you go.

- Is he okay? - Jack!

What? No. How did I get here?

In... in here?

You came down here after the lab accident.

- Remember? - No.

Where's Warren?

He's doing Fargo's evaluation. Why?

I'm Fargo!

Okay, you know what,

that explosion was bigger than we thought.

We need to check your head.

- No time. I need to find me! - Jack!

Jack! I heard gunfire.

What the hell happened?

I don't know. Jack just lost it.

- Carter did this? - Yes.

- We have to find him. - No, no, no.

He left the gun here.

He needs medical attention. I will handle it.

No weirdness. Yeah, right.

What just happened?

You got schooled is what happened, Dr. Fargo.

What? Fargo?

My God. It's my worst nightmare.

I'myour worst nightmare.

I expected more from the laser tag team Captain.

No, no, no, no, no. This isn't happening.

Perhaps you're not as ready to lead

as you thought, Dr. Fargo.

That's right, I'm Fargo.

And I'm good and definitely leader material.

Then defend yourself!

Now, that's more like it!

Congratulations

you've passed the first phase of your review.

There's more?

I'm gonna go get changed.

I'm so screwed.

Sheriff Carter?

This is beyond creepy. Fargo?

Holy socks! We've swapped bodies!

Jack, what is going on with you?

Well, for starters, I'm over here.

Okay, Fargo, it's not funny.

Jack just fired a weapon in the infirmary.

That's... you... I didwhat?

It was an accident.

I was in here in my body playing laser tag.

The next thing I know, I'm... in you!

Okay... unh. Unh.

Never phrase it that way again.

What are you two talking about?

We've had a kind of neural swap.

That is impossible.

Possible!

We were just making out in the infirmary.

With Warren here?

Dr. Blake, PDA in the workplace

is against GD policy.

Bigger issues, Fargo!

My God, you're not kidding.

Is this my joking face?

No! This is not my face at all!

What did you brainiacs do this time?

I don't know, but if Warren finds out,

we can kiss out jobs good-bye.

Kids.

Time for phase two, Dr. Fargo.

Let's go look at some art.

Help me, Allie.

- Wait, you're Fargo? - I'm sorry,

I'm having trouble believing this.

Just run a magnitoencephalographic neural scan and find out.

See?...

I mean, that is definitely not Jack.

But neural transplantation is impossible.

What about neural teleportation?

Neural what?

Dr. Fowler's matter-relocation unit

blew up in our faces this morning.

Maybe it affected our synaptic functioning.

He said it was having issues.

Maybe. It's a str...

I don't know. I'll take a look.

Well, we'll start running neural scans.

Hopefully we can fix this before Warren finds out.

Just hurry up.

Carter's in my body talking to Warren.

Who knows what he might say.

Butterfly dog.

What an oddly childlike imagination you have.

How 'bout this one?

Butterfly cow.

That is filthy. You show that to children?

I have to say,

I'm a little concerned, Dr. Fargo.

These aren't typical answers

for someone with an IQ of 163.

Well, because I was joking...

Obviously.

Give me another one. I can do better.

Sorry to interrupt.

Fargo, about that project

we discussed shutting down earlier...

I-I found something promising.

Yes. Well...

Pursue that and report back to me.

- Great, thanks. - And I'll see you tomorrow,

Mr. Donovan. I can't wait, Warren.

So, let's, uh, try a few more images.

Accepted to M.I.T. as a sophomore.

Got my PhD at 22.

Recruited by Global Dynamics the next year.

Now my entire scientific career is at the mercy

- of sheriff Carter. - I'm more concerned

that his body is at your mercy.

What if you get stuck this way?

Dr. Blake.

Now you're going to have to date me

in sheriff Carter's body,

or date sheriff Carter in mine.

That's quite a Sophie's choice.

Grace, we have to fix this.

Honey, don't worry. I will take care of it.

We're getting a neural spike. Is he having a seizure?

Fargo?

- Dr. Fargo? - What?

What do you see in these?

The Orion nebula.

A high elf with a warhammer.

Buffy high-fiving herself.

You have a very interesting brain, Dr. Fargo.

I think we're done.

Done? As in "redacted"?

No, done as in "cleared for duty."

I'm satisfied that you're ready.

Butterfly dog...

That was a good one.

Butterfly dog?

Jack?

Yeah?

I've literally never been so happy.

My God, I don't think I could have takenSophie's choice.

She's been a little worried.

Maybe the neural scanning process reset you somehow.

Grace is analyzing the data.

But we don't know what caused it.

What about the, uh, transporter thing

and the thingamajig.

Did you make me talk like that in front of Warren?

Yeah, I did. Do you want to go shoot something?

I've looked at the matter relocator

and there's no indication that it could cause this.

Any residual symptoms?

My head hurts a bit, but I'm pretty relieved

to be back in my body.

Yeah, me too. You really had to go

to the little boy's room. Well...

Tell me you didn't take me.

Tell me you didn't use your boy hands...

They were your hands.

Both of you need some rest tonight.

I will keep looking for the cause,

but hopefully, you know, the worst is over.

Hopefully.

How are you feeling?

Well, I'm back to my old self.

Well, why don't we celebrate?

I like the way you think.

Jack, what are you doing?

Man,

not again.

Want some company?

Boy.

Is there a problem?

No.

No.

- Why would there be a problem? - Okay, way to be subtle.

I will go brush my teeth.

Okay.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

This is the weirdest dream ever.

I thought that we could start the day off right.

God.

That's... Great.

But I don't... I don't think I can.

I would disagree.

I mean, I'd love to, but, uh,

I'm late... Late to work. Yep.

Rain check. Rain check!

Rain check?

Hello?

Zane, it's Carter.

If you're Carter, then why do you sound like me?

Because I am you. We just swapped brains.

This is a seriously messed-up dream.

Jack, who are you talking to?

It's not a dream Zane!

And if you touch Allison, you're a dead man.

I'm talking to Zane!

That jackass!

He's... trouble.

If... if you're at my place,

then you're in my body.

Yep.

You went a little nuts with the hair trimmer, don't you think?

I believe in manscaping.

You should try it, sheriff Sasquatch.

This is disgusting.

I was in the shower. You don't say.

Where's Jo?

Indisposed.

In... indisposed, like "naked"?

Just meet me at the neural lab.

And no touching.

Yeah, that goes both ways, pal.

And I got a gun.

Unbelievable.

This is polyester!

Jack?

Where'd he go?

These wrinkles are deep!

He's going to have cheeks like a basset hound.

I was looking for these.

I'm in hot pursuit.

Yee-haw!

I found an elevation in Jack's Z-wave pattern

compared to the other crew members.

- It's concerning. - Tell me about it!

I woke up inside Zane.

In the shower. Damn it!

- Jack? - How'd you guess, Henry?

This is extraordinary. I-I...

That's not the word I'd choose, but...

Zane is in your body?

Yeah, he's on his way here now.

I feel all bulky.

We need to run a new pet and spect scan

on both of you right away, before this gets any worse.

- Morning, friends. - Too late.

Mr. Donovan, your review is next,

and I have a special activity picked for you.

And I brought scones!

Great. Right behind you.

You know how fast you were going, miss?

I'm sorry, sheriff.

I was testing a new hybrid turbine engine,

and there was a surge in the power cell.

- Yeah. - It just got away from me.

- I have a permit. - Well, then, little honey,

I may have to cite you for disturbing the peace.

- Excuse me? - Yeah.

If you want to file a sexual harassment claim

against me... Sheriff Carter...

Then you do that with deputy Andy, okay?

Hold on.

Sheriff grab-ass.

Yeah, uh, this is a trip, isn't it?

You have to get up here now, so I can run some tests.

Yeah, tell Carter I'm just getting a little bit of payback.

I would, but he's being evaluated by Warren Hughes...

In your body.

I'll be right there. God.

- Call me. - Drop dead.

Carter... C-a-r-t-e-r!

You look nervous, Mr. Donovan.

But your file says you love rock climbing.

I do, yeah.

- I love it, love it. - You need some more slack?

No! No! No! Tight is good!

That's good.

So tell me, have you noticed

any changes in your sleep patterns?

Like waking up in another body, maybe?

Come again?

No, not really.

No. Sorry to interrupt, Warren.

Zane, the project we discussed, it never arrived at the vault.

Right.

It's on my "to do" list.

We won't be much longer.

Well, just get it done.

Martha's gonna make sure you do.

T... take it easy. I said I'd do it.

What?

Is that typical behavior for her?

No. Martha, take it easy.

Never do that again.

So you're Zane since when?

Since right before you brushed your teeth this morning.

And Carter slipped into me.

There's got to be a better way to say that.

Excuse me?

Jo Jo.

What's going on?

Jack has been experiencing

strange neural transfers, first with Fargo,

now with Zane.

Who was in the shower with me this morning?

What?

Son of a bitch. I knew he was touching.

No, he didn't. He didn't.

But he also didn't say that he wasn't you.

Well, I was a perfect gentleman.

You didn't say who you were either, Zane.

You didn't?

I thought I was dreaming.

He knew.

Where is he?

Need a little help here.

- Warren, are you all right? - It's my heart.

Lie down. Lie down.

Are you having chest pain?

I have an ICD.

Ew. The birth control thing?

No. An implantable cardioverter-defibrillator.

It delivers a jolt of electricity to correct

arrhythmia during stressful situations.

Like being chased by a psychotic attack drone?

Give it a second.

That's better.

What in the world got into her?

We are gonna go find out.

Come on, let's go fill out an accident report.

Safety first.

I'll talk to you later, Carter.

You told her? Thanks, Zane.

You showered with my girlfriend.

You're lucky I didn't punch myself in the face.

Don't push me, six-pack,

or I'll pound another bacon cheese scone.

Another?

It's gonna take me months to work that off.

Okay, can the two of you take this seriously, please?

We need to figure out what is causing this,

not to mention this.

I wonder if there's a link.

Between what?

Well, accidents and us.

You know, first the meat explosion, and now Martha.

It's the second time technology's gone nuts

in the last 24 hours.

Third. I pulled over a hottie in a runaway test vehicle.

You may be hearing from her attorney.

Yeah? Or maybe I'll just arrest myself

for impersonating a police officer.

Let's see how that goes for you.

Whatever.

We need to get Henry to take a look at Martha.

Zane, are you all right?

No. Do I look all right?

I'm hideous.

I'm half-scarecrow, half-Andy Griffith.

Okay, we need to get both of you

down to the neurology lab

before there's permanent damage,

before you get stuck like this.

Stuck like this?

Well, the good news is Zane's scans are normal.

Great. I'm still stuck in here.

And what's the bad news?

Jack's spectt shows a hyperactive axonal cluster.

Well, that can't be good.

It's an unusual concentration

of high-speed electrical impulses.

Well, Jack has been the focal point of the swapping,

but what would cause the cluster?

Well, it must be the Z-waves.

I mean, the entire crew is sharing them.

And Jack's brain is acting as an antenna.

If the neural transfers continue,

then it'll cause permanent brain damage.

Well, then we're gonna have to operate to stop them.

- Brain surgery? - Sign me up.

I don't want to get stuck in this doughy body.

Okay, look, we don't have time to argue.

Things are critical now.

I think we're gonna have to tell Warren what's going on.

Well, I only wish you had come to me sooner.

So do we.

We had good intentions.

Sounds to me like your intentions

were to hide a major security threat

in order to save your jobs.

Well, if you're splitting hairs.

Look, I appreciate that you came forward

with the truth, but, unfortunately,

it's a little too late.

After the surgery is completed

and you've stopped whatever is causing this,

I regret to say you're all redacted.

I'm sorry.

Thanks.

Zane.

Unfortunately.

Zane, I feel like this is really awkward.

Tell me about it.

I have no abs at all.

How are you really feeling?

Kind of nauseous.

I think it's the thought of you getting naked with him.

I didn't get naked with him.

I got naked with you.

Yeah, except Carter was in the cockpit.

Please, don't say cockpit.

Nothing happened.

But this is the way it starts.

Just like in the program.

Listen to me.

I don't care about programs.

I care about you.

No matter what body you're in.

That better be Zane in there.

In here?

This is not my fault!

Of course.

Let's drill into your brain, shall we?

This day sucks.

Okay.

Maybe operating in your current state of mind

is a bad idea.

I'm fine.

What are those?

The haptic telepresence gloves

are like a steering wheel for the nanoprobe

she's about to insert.

I'm gonna drive the probe through your brain

to the axonal cluster and neutralize it.

Through... oh, well, don't drive angry.

Laser drill is in position.

Gloves are activated.

Let's get started...

We're gonna knock me out, right?

No, I need you to stay awake to make sure

we don't do damage to your brain during the procedure.

That's comforting.

And I don't want you to talk

unless I tell you to.

I need you to be perfectly still.

Okay.

No moving while you're tooling around in my brain.

Fair. That... fair enough. Got it.

Okay.

Let's get started.

How you feeling, Jack?

Never better.

Okay.

Almost there.

We're getting a spike in the axonal cluster.

Jack, you can't...

No, no, no, n...

Jack?

Crap.

Breathe easy, Jack. It's okay.

I'm probing my own brain, Allie.

It's so not okay.

Allison, do you want me to disengage the gloves?

No, leaving the probe there could cause permanent damage.

We're gonna have to maneuver it out the way it came in.

But we don't know what we're doing.

I'm gonna guide you through it, okay?

Grace, if you could set up the haptic telepresence readout

on the main monitor there, that would be fantastic.

Jack, it's like a video game, okay?

Now use your hands to pull out the probe

the same way it went in.

Okay, so it's like operation.

Just don't touch the sides.

If that makes you feel better, sure.

Okay, Jack, watch my hands.

Easy.

Okay, you're doing great, Jack.

Allison, are you okay?

All things consider...

Okay, maybe no chit-chat.

Sorry.

Okay, almost there.

That's it.

And you're out.

Thank God.

Allie, are you okay?

Who's Allie?

Kidding, Jack.

- You did great. - That's so mean.

Yeah, well, I'm still a little mad about that kiss.

And so not my fault.

I swear. It's all about you.

Jack, we're not out of the woods yet.

We have to fix this.

I know.

We will.

Your boyfriend out of surgery yet?

No.

And you have to stop.

Sorry.

It's just been a really weird day.

You're the one who kissed me with Carter's mouth.

I was caught up in the moment, I guess.

Zane, you have to know how crazy it is

to be jealous of something with Carter and me

that never happened.

Yeah, but the thing is it's not.

I've been digging into the programming.

The virtual Eureka we experienced in there,

it's based on predictive algorithms

from our own psychological profiles.

So, given the right set of circumstances,

you and Carter hooking up,

it's not just possible...

It's probable.

One of the circumstances was me thinking that you were dead.

Right?

Right.

So don't make me kill you,

and you have nothing to worry about.

You okay?

- My head hurts even more. - Would you like your results?

Or your head, rather.

Really?

I don't know what this means...

Well, the data shows that the hyperactive axonal cluster

is serving as an antenna,

and it's not transmitting, it's receiving.

From what?

Well, we don't know, but the spike in the electrical activity

from each swap is eroding the myelin sheath.

That doesn't sound good.

Jack, you could suffer permanent damage

to your central nervous system.

Your brain is not the only thing

suffering from dangerous spikes in electrical activity.

Jack, good call.

The other devices that malfunctioned

were all on the same Z-wave frequency,

the relocator, Martha, and the smart-car energy cell.

Have Fargo do an audit,

find out what project or device is causing this.

Maybe it's the one

he's been telling Zane to shut down.

Yeah, good luck.

I don't like this.

- Checked it out. - I can't believe it,

you've been rebooting the mainframe

after I specifically told you to mothball it?

What?

You told me to pursue it and report back to you.

That wasn't me, that was Carter.

All right, well how was I supposed to know that?

Look, the point is, it's been slowly reconstructing the files,

and I found something here.

- Take a look at this. - What are those?

The mainframe has been tracking the Z-waves

of the Astraeus crew, or it's been trying to.

But it found one that's still active inside the program.

- Holly? - Yeah.

Fargo, she might still be in there.

Jack, they're in here, so's the mainframe.

Jack. Carter's inside Allison now?

Phrasing. How many times?

So if the program is doing what I think it's doing,

we need to shut it down, so that they can get back

to where they belong before they can't.

No one told me that you were out yet.

Yeah, sorry it got a little hairy before

with the body-swapping.

Yeah, about that, and our kiss.

What about our kiss?

This matrix thing has everyone acting nuts,

and I really want things to be normal again, so I just...

I think that we should just be honest with each other.

You know, so we can move past today and get on with our lives.

Honest about what, exactly?

Us.

I mean, of course I've thought about it, why wouldn't I?

You're my best friend, you're attractive,

I'm really attractive.

I mean, I... it's not that I want to pursue it,

you know, I just... why act like it's never crossed out minds?

I mean, haven't you ever thought about it?

No.

Not really.

Well, I'm glad that we cleared that up.

Okay.

When Zane rebooted the program,

it began searching for missing files,

which are, in this case, the crew's brains.

Couldn't find us directly,

because we're not hard-wired to it anymore

and Jack, of all of you, was the only one

who was linked to the program wirelessly,

and it found him.

So I'm a Wi-Fi hotspot?

Pretty much. Each Z-wave pattern

it rebooted for the crew had to pass through a router... you,

which caused the temporary neural swaps.

If we shut down the program, the anomalies stop.

Fargo, it's still in the rebooting process.

If we shut down now, we could lose access

to all the restored data, including Holly.

I know.

Do it.

Ready?

Jack?

No, it's Allison, I'm back. What happened?

No.

What happened?

He jumped up, took a few steps, then collapsed.

He's non-responsive.

Jack! Jack!

Jack!

Well, he's alive, but his synapses are misfiring

and his E.E.G. is all over the place.

What does that mean, exactly?

Well, if our brains are like hard drives,

then Jack's is corrupted and is about to crash, permanently.

And if that happens, we could lose him.

Can you reboot him,

the way my implant does for my arrhythmia?

The nanoprobe, if we re-calibrate the charge...

We can send a small electrical jolt to the cluster

- and neutralize the anomaly. - Okay.

That should do it.

We're running out of time.

I'm in.

The E.E.G. is still erratic.

Delivering charge...

Now.

Okay, pulling...

Out.

Jack?

Jack, come on. Come back to me, please.

Come on, love, it's Allie.

Come on, Jack.

Jack, is that you in there?

It's me.

I'm here.

There's a happy ending, God.

Definitely.

Things do seem prone to go wrong around here,

but you guys have a knack

for making everything turn out right.

We have an amazing crew. It's a team effort.

I noticed that, which is why

I've reconsidered my decision to redact the crew.

If anything, the last 24 hours have shown me

just how prepared you are to resume your duties.

Warren, that's a great relief. Thank you.

Everyone except Fowler. That kid has issues.

He needs some time off.

He's not the only one.

Tell me about it.

I've,

been trying too hard, Henry, to fix things,

to get back to normal,

but I think I need some time off, too,

from all of it,

being here.

I love you, but, I think I need to go away for a while.

Margherita pizza for Allison, and for you, sheriff,

barbecue-bacon-bleu-cheese burger

with beer-batter curly fries. Enjoy.

Thanks, Vince.

Turns out I can eat burgers again.

I'm just glad that you're feeling like yourself again.

Come here...

Jack,

I... there's something I need to say to you.

Yeah, I need to say something to you, too.

- I... sor... I... j... - N... n... it,

When I was lying there and my brain was fading,

my thoughts were just being stripped away,

the ones that I clung to

were of you and the kids.

I never want to go through that loss again... ever.

I want to start building memories with you,

forever, starting now.

So...

Jack, what are you doing?

I... I know this is the wrong place,

and I know that this is the wrong time,

but I don't want to wait any longer.

Yeah...

Allison...

Will you marry me?

And I... I also know that this is a beer-battered potato ring...

But, uh, people are staring, so...

What do you say?

I say yes.

Champagne for everyone!

Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com