Original subtitles

[ominous music]

Lana: Ugh, I'm tired of being out here.

I wanna go home.

- Eww, Earth? In space we can do whatever

the hell we want with basicallyno responsibilities.

- Kind of my point. Maybe I'm ready to start

having a real life instead ofbeing stuck here with your ass.

- Shh, my ass might hear you, and it's very sensitive.

Of course, you know that. - Not engaging.

I'm just saying, maybe it's time to hang this all up and--

- Ugh, is this about your aching uterus again?

- Okay, who said anything about--

- Well, we haven't talked aboutsettling down but--

- Nope. - Key word "settling."

- I'm down with going to Earth.

I could use some fresh faces to bang.

- And our bar stock is so low, I may have to resort to beer.

- Has everyone gone crazy?

We're on the final frontier and you want to go back

to doing day jobs and gravity-laden sex?

- Not my first preference. - I vote with Archer.

- Robots don't get a vote. - I prefer "synthetic human."

[overlapping chatter]

- No one gets to vote. I'm the captain.

- Co-captain. And as the other co-captain,

I am setting a course for Earth.

- No, Lana, I will not let you hyperspace us to Boring-town.

[grunting]

Lana: [grunts] Archer: What the--ow!

Pam: Holy spacesnacks!

Lana: It's a Dri'n battle cruiser.

And somehow it hasn't noticed us.

- No, we're too close

for its long-range scanners to pick us up.

- Great, let's just loop aroundthis bad boy

and hyperspace somewhere that is not Earth.

- If we can destroy it, we will

cripple pirate activity in this sector.

- Who cares?

- And collecta 30 million credit bounty

for taking it out.

- As I was saying,

who cares about combatting space piracy more than me?

- Exactly.

The very reasonable reward is just icing on the cake.

- Guys, as captain of this ship...

- Co-captain.

- I am making an executive decision.

We're taking out that Dri'n bastard.

- Like I already executively decided.

- Hands in. "Space cowboys" on three.

One, two...

- What the hell are you doing?

[main title theme]

♪

Archer: Okay, here's the plan:

after we board the ship, knock out a couple

of Dri'n guards, and then-- you'll love this--

put on their clothes-- - Not to be a buzzkill,

but you think there'll reallybe a plus-sized pirate onboard?

- Ugh, this is a horrible plan.- I'm not finished.

Pam, you'll be our "prisoner."

- Sweet! - Lucky.

- Still a horrible plan. - Let me finish!

We'll infiltrate the ship disguised as Dri'n guards.

That's it. That's the whole plan.

- This is not a plan.

This is the plot of several famous films.

- Well, why do you think they're famous, Lana?

We'll need Ray to get us some explosives.

- He's taking a sick day.

- Of course he is. - We get those?

- It's a miracle we don't crash into the sun

with all you Sick Day Cyrils and Personal Day Pams.

- It is a pretty generous package if you use it right.

- Space phrasing.

- Well, where am I supposed to get explosives?

- "Thermite" be something I can do to help.

Referencing thermite explosives.

[all groan] - I did not enjoy that.

Does this thing havean off switch?

- Aww, I have feelings.

- Volume control? Anything?

Then we'll plant the thermite all over the ship

and hola explosivo.

- I'm confused. - It's Spanish, Pam.

- No, how will we getthe "Seamus" out of here

without us pingingtheir scanners?

- That's where Cyril and Carol come in.

You two will disable the radar system on board.

- Whoo-hoo! - Please don't.

- I can disable the radar system!

- Can you disable yourself?

- Beep, bop, boop. Ya burnt.

- Why not Krieger?

I mean, he's qualified even if he is a replicant.

- Thank you, Lana, but I like to think

I'm more of a Repli-can.

[all groan] - No bots.

Mother, you stay and run comms.- Stay here?

With the liquor? Well, if you insist.

- Space cowboys, let's ride! [triumphant music]

Lana: Would you stop trying to make "space cowboys" stick?

It isn't. - Fine, Lana.

You stay here and be the world-weary

space saloon/brothel madam.

- I wanna be a brothel madam!- Ooh, I--I could be the banker

and wear one of those green visors.

- Everybody stop making this stick!

And if anything, I would be co-sheriff.

- That's not a thing.

- The whole thing's not a thing!

- Whoa, space cowboys.

- What is it now, Krieger? - I've got helpful gadgets!

Like these voice changers!

The Dri'n tongue is a beast, you know.

- Fine, but honestly, Krieger, this is all a little thirsty.

- Like Lana's ovaries. - Not engaging.

- Doesn't someone need to be proposing

before you're engaging?

- Not en-- - [laughs]

She totally disarmedyour phrase.

So what's our plan when

these shitty voicechangers don't work?

Krieger: I can hear you. - Well, I picked up

some phrases banging a pirate or two.

Here's how to say, "Faster, harder."

- Because that'll come in handy.

- [ugly guttural sounds]

Now you try it. [all grunting]

- No, it's more like-- you know the sound you make

after letting out a fartyou've been holding in all day?

- Oh, please. You've never held in a fart

in your life. - Tough but fair.

Lana: Like now, Pam. Now would have been

a great time to hold it in.

Pam: [grunting in Dri'n]

Archer: [laughs] I have--I have no idea

what she said, but it just sounds funny.

[metal crashing]

Lana: Jesus, Cyril, watch the landing.

You gotta slide it in there gently.

Pam: [grunting]

[muffled bang]

- You are a terrible pilot.

- You put me on a job that's not my specialty.

That's bad captaining. - Co-captaining.

- Oh, now you share the credit?- Fine.

I should have assigned Cyril to his specialty of, uh--

what is your specialty again? Space accounting?

- You're putting "space" in front of it

to make it extra silly, but it's actually

really an important part of running a ship.

[pirates grunting]

- That was quick.

- [speaking Dri'n]

- He's asking... [gunfire]

[bodies thud]

[sighs] He was just asking

where we got these human costumes, but...

- Oh, thank Godyou're here, Cyril.

You're so quick on the draw.

- My blaster got stuck in its holster.

- I can help with that. - Stop it!

Unwanted advance in the workplace.

- Take it up withthe Dri'n pirate HR.

- Get those uniforms onand put in your voice changers.

More pirates will be coming.

- On my tits. What?

- Do you even have tits?

- They're retractable.

- [sighs] Now, where is that mainframe?

This ship has zero Feng Shui.

[door hisses]

Whoa.

There's gotta be a switch to get a laser bridge

or something.

Why people build dangerous ravines

in spaceships is beyond me.

[hollering]

[gasping] You gotta warn me next time!

We almost--and that hook is not secure!

How do you even know the mainframe is on this side?

- Oh, I don't.

I just find terrorkind of hot, you know?

- I do not know.

Not to mention the woman swinging the man across

is totally... [yelling] emasculating!

Shit balls!

- Guys, remember, place them

on the structural beams for maximum impact.

- I need more. I'm missing a testicle.

- What the hell are you doing? - What's the big deal?

It's thermite; throw it anywhere,

it's gonna blow up the ship.

- I'm not letting youwaste thermite.

- Give me the thermite.

- God damn it, Archer. - [laughing] Uh-oh.

It was an accident. Yeah, it was flirty horseplay.

- These aren't toys. - Your boobs?

- Because I beg to differ. - It's stuck.

Krieger, how do you peel off these thermite charges?

Krieger: Oh, no worries there.- Oh, good.

Krieger: It's a super polymer. Can't be removed or disarmed.

- I thought they would peel offlike air fresheners.

They look like air fresheners.Just take your shirt off, then.

- I'm not wearing a shirt or bra under this.

- Oh, I noticed. - We all noticed.

Is it for the pirates?

Because they do not make good husbands, Lana.

- I am not trying to get a pirate husband.

This ship has no ACand pirate garb isn't exactly--

oh, shit.

[all speaking Dri'n]

- Hey! [both laughing]

- Huh, it actually worked.

- Almost like Krieger knows what he was doing.

- I'm sorry, Lana. He'll never be a space cowboy.

Now, let's blow up this ship-- - Without blowing my tits off.

- Give me one more. I need to finish my testicle.

- Here. - Seriously?

- Guys, even for methis is getting childish.

Malory: Don't mention children.

Lana will smear her mascara.

- Eavesdropping and lobbing insults is not running comms.

I knew I should have done the assigning,

because everyone you picked is spectacularly wrong

for the job.

Cyril: See, this is what I'm talking about.

Why would they put the mainframe

right next door to the mess?

The heat would be hellon the data core.

- What, did you read that in your

spaceship architecture magazine?

- You mean"Starchitectural Digest"?

Yes.Shall we get to work?

[panels beeping]

Um...

do you know howto disable a radar system?

- [scoffs] No.

- Is this another"fear is hot" thing,

or do you really not know?

Because I sure don't.

Ugh, bad captaining! Archer: [laughs]

Mission accomplished.

How long should we set the timers for?

- All right, let's see.Uh, Cyril and Cheryl

have to disarm the radar;we all have to get

to the hatch; and I haveto strip this pirate suit off

so the bomb won't blowmy tits off.

- And Archer's baby-maker!

- Don't--don't say "baby," Pam,

because you know-- [grunts]

[groans] - Shit!

You set them off! How much time we got?

- Shit, 11 minutes. - Jesus!

Couldn't you have kicked a higher number?

- [coughs] Or, you know, not at all?

- We gotta run. - Yeah, not much of a runner.

- Okay, guys, listen up. We have 11 minutes

to get our asses off this ship before it explodes.

- Oh, God.If you find terror hot,

I must be gorgeousto you right now.

- Yeah. - No, stop!

I shouldn't even be here!I should have been the one

kicking back on the "Seamus" running comms!

- For your information, I've got my hands full.

Cyril: Full of what, gin and tonics?

- I don't know what you're talking about.

Cyril: We can hear the ice clinking.

- No, that's space static.

Must be sun spots.

- We need you to connect uswith Ray.

- He's on a sick day! Cyril: We're going to blow up

in 11 minutes.

Archer: Closer to ten. - [sighs]

Hold, please. Ray?

[peaceful music]

Cyril: Ray, thank God. We need your help.

- Yeah, kind of in the middle of something.

Malory: Ray our surgery pod is not designed

for recreational use.

- This is a medical procedure. Malory: Scented candles?

- Is it a crime to want to brighten up my colonoscopy?

I think not. Malory: You said

it wasn't recreational!

- Colorectal cancer's serious business.

You should be checked every 10 years after 50.

- Ugh, how old are you?

Ray: Or if you have atypical symptoms,

like a change in bowel habits.

- Speaking of which,we're in the bowels

of an enemy battle cruiser! - I'll be wearing

my colorectal blue ribbon that says, "I got tested."

Tomorrow, after my sick day. Which you're interrupting.

Cheryl: Ugh, we need you to walk us through disabling

a giant spaceship radar system thingy.

- But my crisis vest is on Deck 2.

Cyril: Ray! - Fine.

Let old Ray just interrupt his prescribed

lifesaving medical test to call up

alien battle cruiser schematicson his sick day.

Don't suppose you have a ship model number?

Cyril: We're inside the ship, so no.

And kind of in a hurry!

- Do you see a blinking green light?

[overlapping beeps]

- We're dead. - [sighs]

Don't you just crave its sweet release?

- Okay, sending you the disarming protocols...now.

- Thanks, Ray,you're a lifesaver.

You're--God damn it, Ray.

Is this a pictureof your colon?

- Aww. - Sorry.

This wine might be mixing with my propofol.

I do see why this is addictive.

Cyril: We only have eight minutes!

- Don't get your panties in a bunch.

[keys tapping]

Also, do you see any polyps?

- Lana, how is it possible

you wanna give all this upfor diapers?

- I don't know, maybe because I don't need

to play two-bit space cowboy

just because I'm scared of commitment.

- How dare you speakprecisely the truth at me.

- Hey, guys!Wait up!

- You used to be fun.

Now you wantto do not-fun stuff

like settling down.

Well, I got newsfor you, sister.

- Don't say that, ever.

- Settling is for potato chips.- Oh, God, Archer.

Will you stop treating me like some baby-crazy cliché

of maternal desire? [gasps]

[cats mewing]

Aww, look at them!

- Oh, come on, Lana.

[gasps] Space ocelots.

- Actually, they're called"grimalkians."

- Shut your mouth, Pam.

That is a goddamn space ocelot.

- Ah, son of a bitch. - [laughs]

You're a real natural. - I've seen these before.

A shithead ex of minehad one as a pet.

I think they're endangered. - No doubt the Dri'n

stole them to sell their fur to illegal traders.

- Yeah, this ex was an illegaltrader, so that all tracks.

- Shit, we've only got seven minutes

to get off this death star-- lowercase "D," lowercase "S"--

and back to the "Seamus" beforewe explode in a million pieces.

- No, we can't blow up the shipwith them onboard.

They'll go extinct. - I'll watch anything

that asshole loved burn.

- [baby talk] Just look how adorable they are.

Ow! - [laughs]

Guys, look at this!They love me!

It's like I'm their king!

[siren blaring, pirates grunting]

- Uh, Cyril, Cheryl? Did you guys--

- Fail spectacularlyat the one task you were given?

Cyril: You said turn off the radar.

You didn't say anything about an alarm!

- It was clearly implied.

[baby voice] Yes, it was.Wasn't it?

Yes, it was.

[alarm blaring]

- [speaking Dri'n]

- All clear. No intruders in here.

Oh, shit, is that English?

- He's the intruderyou're looking for!

Aww, balls.Mine's broken too.

[pirates grunting]

- Hey, screw you for that.

- Girl's gotta self-preserve, dude.

[gunshots]

- Okay, so now we need to rescue Cyril and Cheryl--

- Yeah, that's great, but wehave another rescue first.

- What? - The space ocelots, Pam.

- We've got six minutes,

so let's start with the...

[baby talk] widdle baby furballs.

Oh, mother--

- Is not what you should be,

because these things do not like you.

It is a hilarious twist of fate.

[grimalkians meowing]

- Holy hell, those little twerps are quick.

Oh, well. Let's get out of here.

- What the... - [meows]

- Aww, he likes you. - Um, no, Lana.

He lovesme.

This guy is so cool.

Here, Lana, get a picture.

- Just kick the little shit offand let's roll!

- We're buds!

I'm a badass space cowboy,and he's my deputy!

- [baby talk] Don't you wanna jump on my shoulder

and be my widdle deputy?

I'm a co-space cowboy.

- Wow, jealousy isan ugly color on you, Lana.

- Something's wrongwith this blaster!

- [grunts]

- Have you tried opening your eyes?

- [grunts] - Yes!

They actually are open!For real!

- [grunts]

- Guess that's not a factor anyway.

- [speaking Dri'n]

- Where's the fire, brother?

Oh, shit, was that English? - [grunts]

- Why'd you even open your big mouth, Archer?

He was running right by us.

- I think the better question is, why do we even have

a ship robot if he can't even make

his stupid robot gadgets work?

- We're cut off! - My circulation is cut off.

The grip on this thingis unreal.

Look at this!He's eating this shit up.

[both grunt]

Come on, little buddy.

Let's go in the fun tunnel.

- Pam? - Nah.

I don't do tight spaces I'm not familiar with.

Just go. I'll hold them off

and meet you at the dock.

Come and get it, space dicks!

- Well, at least it's downhill.- A little too downhill.

Are you surethis is an air vent?

- Of course it's an air vent.

[both screaming]

[pipe rattling]

[bodies thud]

- Ugh, you've gotta be shitting me.

- Oops, I guess it wasn't an air vent.

[grimalkian meows]

[lasers firing]

- Ah, my blaster jammed!

- Blasters don't jam, you lying fleshbag!

You're pathetic! Cover me!

[pirate grunting]

[dramatic music]

- I thought you had a plan! - I do!

I'm making a necklace.

- I will give you oneof my teeth.

Just get me off this ship. - Nope, it's not the same.

It has to be from a kill. [gasps]

Unless that's something you might be interested in.

- Ew, no.Hey, any chance

of getting a rescue here?

Lana: Yeah, uh, about that. - Oh, Lana.

Thank God. - Archer had us escape

in a stupid air vent that-- - Air vent, copy that.

[pipe rattling] [bodies thud]

- Cyril, let her finish. - Oh, God, this is a dead end.

We have two minutes! What do we do?

- Ugh, you're not gonna wet your uniform

like last time? Not the time or place.

- Actually, this is a pretty good time and place.

- New plan: we form a human-ocelot ladder...

- Ugh, I'd rather just die. - To get back to the air vent.

- Stop calling it an air vent.

- Fine! [gunfire]

- [yelling] Cyril: Pam!

Thank God.- You're running the wrong way.

- Cannonball!

[all groan]

- It's in my mouth.

[all grunting]

[gunfire]

- This is not good.[grimalkian meows]

Even my little ocelotbud bailed.

- I'm calling Krieger for backup.

- No, Lana.Space cowboys do or die.

- He's our only option.

Malory, Krieger, come in! Come in!

- Yes! It's Krieger. What do you need? I can do it!

Lana: Get down here, stat.

We need backup immediately.

Trash compactor. - I'm on it!

Yes! Needed by real humans.

[all grunting, gunfire]

- [pants] [sighs, thuds]

- My God, why did we even bring him?

- This is it, people!

This is the end!

Brace yourselves for obliteration!

[screaming]

- I really like her this way.

- I'm kind of into it myself. - Wait! Look!

[grimalkians growling]

- [meows]

- [grunting in Dri'n] [grimalkians hissing]

- Jesus! They're demons in disguise.

I've been fooled.

[blasting, groaning]

Pam: Ugh. Cyril: Oh, my God.

Why does it have to be so gross?

[liquid splattering]

- Stand back, folks.

I've "bot" this.

[all groan]Archer: And once again, you and

your iron heart arecompletely useless.

[grunts]

[grimalkian meows] There's my pal!

Back to normal. You can't quit me, can you?

[grimalkian purrs] - How much time?

- 30 seconds.

- This is gonna be tight.

Lana: It wouldn't be tight if you hadn't screwed up

the assignments!

- Whatever, Lana.

Maybe I screwed up the assignments on purpose

so you'd feel needed and want to stay.

- Oh, please. Maybe you're just saying that

as a cool way to cover screwingup the assignments.

- Oh, go have an Earth baby, why don't you?

Oh, we can't just leave these space ocelots here.

- Grimalkians. And, yes, we can.

- Pam, I'm not gonna do this with you.

I'm already too upset.

Lana: Oh, God, their eyes.

- Even though they hate you? - Yep, even though.

- 15 seconds! - I think these furry banshees

are just gonna have to stay on board.

[grimalkians whining]

[explosions]

[grimalkians meowing]

- I meant on board the other ship.

- Oh, God damn it to shit!

Can't these bastards stayin the cargo hold?

- [gasps] Mommy's just joking.

[whispering] I think we all know who the fun parent is.

[grimalkian purrs]

- Made in Georgia.