Original subtitles

(SHIP HORN BLOWING)

(CAR ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Aw, Charlene, honey, it's okay. I didn't mean it.

(BARKING)

Aw, don't be like that.

You know I love you.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

(DOG BARKING)

A.J.: Haven't you been making the payments?

Not all of them.

The idea is, you're supposed to make all of them.

No kidding.

And what do you do with your paychecks? Origami?

Well, I took Paula to Maui.

Oh, well, now that was a necessity.

Yes, it was a necessity.

Hey, hey, wait a minute. We got a crisis here and you're going off

to smack little balls around. Now we need a client fast.

You need a client fast. I need exercise.

Oh, oh, that's great, sympathy. Hey, hey!

When you were eight years old, and you lost your bicycle,

who found it for you?

Who lost it for me?

Yeah, but I found it, didn't I?

Yeah, and when you did, it had two flat tires and the seat was missing.

I had to ride around standing up

until I could save up enough allowance to buy a new one.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

WOMAN: Good morning, Peerless Detectives.

You're right, that is her. Thanks, Mary Ann.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

MARY: Peerless Detectives. Yes, can you hold the line, please?

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

MARY: Peerless Detectives. Good morning.

He's in a meeting. Can I have him call you back?

Excuse me.

Wheeler.

Stacey Wheeler, right?

Well, right.

Do I know you?

Billy Roy Thompson.

Billy Roy Thompson? Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry. I don't remember.

Oh...

Well, I was bartending this party you was at down in Houston

and we got talking a little bit, you know.

Of course, you wouldn't remember that.

Billy Roy Thompson. Yeah.

Well, I guess I do.

Well, doesn't that beat all? Isn't that somethin'?

Well, what're you doing in San Diego?

Oh, a little bit of everything. You know...

Oh, goodness. I didn't mean to do that.

Let me clean that off for you.

Billy Roy, if I'd wanted two-tone,

I'd have bought two-tone.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'll tell you what let's do.

Before that paint dries, let's step over here real quick.

Hey, Rick, A. J.

They're friends of mine, darling.

We'll get that taken care of real quick.

I use this place all the time, so it'll be all right.

You just sit down right over here.

There you go. Now give me that boot.

Right here. There you go. Now give me a push.

(GRUNTS)

There's a little shoe repair place right down the street here,

and I'll be back in just a flash.

And that's a real friendly dog. He won't bite you or nothin'.

You get down, dog. Go on, get down.

Now you stay.

(CASH REGISTER DINGS)

Uh-oh.

Hello. Huh?

Let me guess. Somebody stole your shoe,

and you want me to track it down for you.

Well, no. Not exactly.

You came in here to steal one of my shoes,

but you're an art lover and you couldn't resist the picture.

Well, now you're getting closer.

You're a friend of Rick's.

Rick?

Well, I don't think so. My name's Stacey Wheeler.

Hi. I'm A.J. Simon.

Hi.

I know you.

You're the notorious Stacey

"One-Shoe" Wheeler.

STACEY: And the wedding was all planned.

750 invited guests.

Family, friends.

The church was decorated up so pretty and all.

(STACEY SNIFFING)

Oh.

Well, thank you.

I guess I'm just still so upset by it.

My gown cost $15,000. And that was just the gown.

Oh, the train, it was so beautiful, Mr. Simon.

Oh, please. Call me A.J.

AJ.

STACEY: So there I was,

right up in front of God and everybody.

Stood up at the altar. Abandoned.

You're joking?

No, I'm not joking.

Your husband-to-be just simply disappeared?

Gone without a trace. Till this.

It's got no return address on it.

But it's postmarked San Diego.

I remember Ken told me he's got a brother named Roger.

Worked around the boat yards in San Diego.

A.J.: "Stacey, I couldn't go through with it.

"You're better off without me. Ken."

So I want you to find him for me. Can you do that?

Oh, of course.

Well, how long do you think it'll take?

Oh, a day or two. Three at the most.

You work with a partner or alone?

Partner. My brother.

Older brother or younger?

Older.

Well, at least your momma got it right the second time.

(CRASHING)

Why, thank you.

Obviously, you two know each other?

Well, Billy Roy Thompson and I are old friends.

Billy Roy?

She here yet? WOMAN: Not yet, Mr. Fowler.

STACEY: We don't have to take two cars. We can take mine.

A.J.: Whatever you say. You're the boss.

STACEY: Isn't he gorgeous?

I found him on a beach outside of Galveston.

He was making a picture down there.

Oh, maybe you saw it, Chainsaw Honeymoon?

No, I think I missed that one.

Well, it's about a man who carves up his in-laws

on the night of his wedding.

Well, Ken played the man.

RICK: This is the guy you were gonna marry?

Well, it's only a movie.

But in real life he's a great big teddy bear.

Well, I think he must be in some kind of trouble or something.

And if my daddy were still alive, I'd know who to blame.

Daddy scared off more than one of my beaux.

Oh, you've had a few, have you?

A few.

When we find him, what do you want us to do?

Well, I just wanna talk to him.

I wanna know he's okay.

And I wanna know why.

Here's $1000 expenses. Will that be enough?

(STUTTERING) It'll do, yes.

For starters.

Thank you.

Oh, use the limo.

Oh, no we couldn't... Okay.

Well, if I need another one, I'll just get another one.

Oh... Could come in handy.

Call me. Thank you.

Well, thank you.

(LAUGHING)

A.J.: "Come in handy."

How are we gonna do detective work from a limousine?

Hey, look it.

My truck is rotting away in some impound lot.

Just give me a break here.

(SIGHING)

At least we're riding in style.

(WHIRRING)

Hi.

I'm looking for a Roger Fielding.

That's me. Hi. My name is Bennett. Sam Bennett.

I work for Burt Tasmanian, Tasmanian Productions.

We did Chainsaw Honeymoon, Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Listen, we'd like to have a couple of words with you, if you've got the time.

In the car? Yeah. Come on over.

Sir, this is Mr. Fielding.

Ah, Mr. Fielding.

Nice to meet you.

We are making a sequel to Chainsaw Honeymoon,

Sam, fix the man a drink.

Naturally, we want Ken to star in it.

So it is imperative that I speak to him immediately.

But at the end of the picture they sawed Ken's head off.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Of course, they did.

In the sequel his twin brother shows up

seeking revenge.

Hey, that's a good idea. Hmm.

Of course.

My brother.

And you guys really thought he was that good, huh?

He was brilliant.

Absolutely brilliant. Am I right? Was he brilliant?

He glowed. He glowed.

You have any idea where we could find him?

Oh, yeah. I mean, no. I mean, maybe.

Ah. Well, of course if he's not available,

we could always go with Rex Hollywood.

Now wait a minute. I didn't say that.

I'm pretty sure he is available.

Good.

I'll call him.

A.J. AND RICK: Good.

Roger, what're you talking about?

Burt Tasmanian died two weeks after Chainsaw Honeymoon was released.

Yeah, well how the heck was I supposed to know that?

Can't you get it through your head

not to talk to anyone about me?

Well, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

I guess I'm just too stupid to understand

why my brother's acting like an idiot.

Ken, for crying out loud, you just had a chance to marry

one of the richest women in the world!

And now you got a chance to get your acting career going again.

They're not from Hollywood, damn it!

Well, then, who are they?

I don't know and I don't want to know.

Roger, I'm supposed to be in hiding.

Hiding? From what? Never mind.

Look, just get rid of those two. Please?

Sorry. He's not interested.

What do you mean, he's not interested?

Nobody says no to Burt Tasmanian.

Hey look, I don't know who you are,

but I know that's not Burt Tasmanian in there.

It's not? No.

Burt Tasmanian died last year.

Oh.

Hey, look, no joking.

You don't give me a good explanation

why you wanted to talk to my brother Ken,

you guys are just wasting your time here.

All right, look it, bottom line.

Let's go. Come on, come on.

Roger. What're you doing home so soon?

Yeah, well, look, kiddo,

I think it's time you ought to start talking to me.

And to them.

Whoa, hey! Whoa, whoa! Easy! Hey, come on, come on!

We're private detectives! Take it easy!

Stacey sent us.

It was Stacey who hired you guys?

Who'd you think hired us?

Well, nobody.

It's just that after what I did to her

I didn't think she'd ever want to see me again.

Can you guys just tell her to go back to Houston and forget the whole thing?

What do we look like, Western Union?

You got a message for her, you call her.

Look, you know what you need here?

You need a little time just to kind of sort things out. You know what I mean?

So we'll set up a meeting for sometime next week, okay?

No. No?

No, on second thought, I want to see her as soon as possible.

I've got to put an end to this once and for all.

Look, I don't think

you ought to rush into this thing, you know what I mean?

Would you happen to have any time free this evening by any chance?

Yes. Yes, I would. Good.

Got a phone? Oh, yeah.

(WHISPERING) Look, I've still got

three payments to make on that truck. Now, why are we...

Hello?

Yes, could you connect me with Stacey Wheeler, please?

Well, how about this one?

Uh-huh.

Well, now in comparison to the last one,

I would give this... Oh, a 74.

Not the greatest beat in the world, but it's kind of catchy.

I can dance to it.

Stacey, you're already half an hour late.

Shouldn't you get down there?

Well, I want to make him wait, silly.

After all, he's the man that stood me up at my own wedding.

No, I don't think so.

Too sexy.

I think the one with the high neckline.

Oh.

Jackets are required at the dining room, sir.

I'm wearing a jacket.

Not that type of jacket, sir.

Ties are also required.

Well, then why don't we just make it an order to go.

That's all right.

We're gonna leave in just a second. We're just visiting.

You all right?

Stacey?

I'm fine. Thank you.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Okay.

Stacey.

You look wonderful, you know that?

I want you to know that I really... Oh, don't get up, Ken.

I want to remember you just like this.

Stacey, before you start getting emotional, just listen to me.

Why, thank you.

That's just what I've been looking for.

(EXCLAIMS)

We could have stalled for at least a day.

Rick.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(WOMAN SCREAMING) MAITRE D': Oh, madame!

Oh, no.

Please, control yourself! Restrain yourself. Stacey!

Stacey, stop! It is not customary behavior!

I must ask you to leave! Madame, please! Stacey, please!

We're in a restaurant! Come on, Stacey!

MAITRE D': We have a reputation to maintain!

You stay out of this! I mean it!

I must ask you to leave! MAN: Somebody ought to call the police.

I'll buy the place from you, damn it!

Stacey!

Do not make my... Oh, no.

I will not stop! He hasn't had enough yet!

Will you please stop this, Stacey?

I might get my truck back after all.

No, no. No, no, no... I'm gonna get even with him.

Some respect, please!

Calm down, Stacey, just take it easy. I won't!

A.J.: Ow! Violence!

You come back here! Where do you think you're going?

Let me go! Put me down! On second thought, we'll just have room service.

STACEY: Oh, God!

A.J.: Ow!

I don't think anything is broken.

Here.

This'll help take some of the ache away.

Here we go. Move your foot.

There you go.

Oh! Boy, that's cold!

It's supposed to be cold. Keep your foot in it.

Well, I don't know how I'm gonna make this up to you.

I behaved dreadfully down there.

You can't, so don't bother trying.

Well, I think it was perfectly understandable.

Well, I mean, you know, the shock of seeing him again and all.

Of course, you know, he did run away again.

Oh, well, I was hoping you'd find him for me again.

Well, I think we probably... No, we cannot.

Yes, we can. No, we cannot.

AJ... Not!

Would you excuse us for just a second?

Sure. Thank you.

(WHISPERING) Look, I know that she is a little crazy.

(CHUCKLING) A little? But

two more days on this job and I get my truck back. No!

AJ... Not!

She'll probably let us use the limo.

Whoop-dee-doo.

No. We are through with this case. No!

Sorry.

Well, maybe if I talk to him privately.

RICK: Privately. Oh, uh-huh.

Well, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll just wait down in the bar, or the limo.

I'll send him along shortly. Okay.

Hey, Rick, come back. Rick!

How's your foot?

It hurts.

Room service? This is Stacey Wheeler.

Could you send up two bottles of champagne

and some Russian caviar?

Thank you.

Morning, Rog.

Thought you'd be to work by now.

Sorry I didn't call. Been out walking all night.

That woman is crazy.

You would not believe what happened last night.

Funny. You took the words right out of my mouth.

My God, Rog! What... Oh, Kenny.

What the hell happened? Kenny, why didn't you tell me?

Yeah, Kenny, why didn't you tell him?

Yeah, if you'd told him we were friends of yours,

maybe he wouldn't have put up such a fight.

Why, you...

Come on, come on.

Come on, why don't you poach one of his eggs?

No, no. We don't want to hurt the groom-to-be, now, do we?

What do you guys want?

I gave you the money back and I promised I'd keep my mouth shut.

And I have.

Now, why can't you leave me alone?

Kenny, you know we're only middle management.

We don't make the decisions, we just carry them out.

Like you will.

Then let me talk to the man. Tell me who he is.

You know that wasn't part of the original agreement.

Now, our employer has lived up to his end.

Don't you want to live up to yours?

Oh, that?

Not exactly Cupid's bow, but it's just as effective.

(EXCLAIMS) Hey, there.

Where have you been?

Wait a minute. You were up there all night.

You know, my foot's a lot better this morning.

I think it must be the eggs Benedict.

Anyway, you're right, there's nothing broken.

The hell with your foot! What happened?

Nothing. William, can you take us around to the office?

Oh, first let's stop some place.

We'll get Rick something to eat.

I was gonna send you something down,

but you know how slow they are in places like this with room service.

WOMAN: May I take your order please?

Give me a couple of chili egg supremes,

three or four orders of hash browns,

couple of cherry cobblers, a box of Captain Nemo Cookies,

and a strawberry shake.

Oh, yeah, and a cup of coffee. What do you want?

Good morning, Myron.

What's wrong with him? How should I know?

Listen,

I think I'll call up ol' Ken and see if we can stir up round two.

Of course, you know, he's probably gonna want to wait for a week or two,

so I was just thinking that maybe we ought to wait

a couple of days before we even call him.

You know, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Hmm.

Are you talking about Stacey or your Power Wagon?

Call now.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello, Simon and... Ken, hi. How are you?

You do, huh?

(STUTTERING) That soon?

Listen, are you sure that you...

Yeah, okay.

He wants to set up a meeting right away.

Now where do we want to do it?

Well, I think a public place. Mmm-hmm.

How about right outside?

Hi, Ken.

Listen, Stacey really wants to apologize for last night,

so, how about lunch?

Well, it's quiet.

That's good.

It's too quiet.

That's bad.

Here, you do this. I can't do it anymore.

It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

You ran out on me

in front of 700 of my closest friends and relatives.

Stacey... The governor was there.

Stacey, I... Plus representatives from 16 states.

I even received a wedding card from the President.

Why, Ken?

AJ; Uh-oh.

Look out, Houston control. We have tears.

If my daddy were still alive,

he'd have filled you full of holes

and hung you out to dry.

But since my daddy's not alive...

Oh, I think it's time to abort the mission.

Oh, it's too late. We may have a lift-off.

RICK: Hit the deck!

Come on. You take Wile E. Coyote, I'll take the Road Runner...

Oh, no, I'll take the Road Runner.

Thank you. STACEY: Give it back!

A.J.: Let it go!

No way. Let it go. Give it to me!

Come on. Relax, relax.

(SOBBING)

LASSITER: Hold it!

It's time to terminate our agreement, pal.

Get in the car.

Did you see that?

Yeah, I did. Hey, what is that? What's going on?

Let's get out of here!

MAN 1: Hey, look!

MAN 2: What in the world is going on around here?

MAN 3: I don't know. This place is going crazy.

I'm going back to Indiana.

(TITTERING)

(STUTTERING) That's just a couple of old fraternity brothers.

You know, practical joke. Those guys are... nuts.

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

Five bucks says she talks her way out of it.

A.J.: No bet.

All right.

Two days at $300 a day. That's $600.

Expenses.

$200 plus countless thousands in damages.

Bonus... (CHUCKLING)

I doubt it.

Well, if you subtract our fee from the advance,

we're gonna wind up owing her money.

Damn.

Here she comes.

Well, I just...

(SNIFFLING)

Well, I guess y'all think I'm some kind of fool or something.

No.

We just thought you wanted to spend

the rest of your life in jail.

Oh, jail.

Nobody with money in this country goes to jail.

That does it!

That does it!

Oh, hey, wait a second, where you going?

I never thought I'd live to see the day when I would willingly

hand deliver a client to our competition.

But then, I hadn't met Miss 18 Wheeler yet!

Is Myron in? JANET: Yes.

No, A.J, wait! He's with a client. A.J.!

What's the meaning of this?

How would you like to have your client back?

How'd you like to have a broken jaw?

Thanks, Myron. I've had everything else, but.

I don't care if you walk for the rest of your life.

In fact, I hope they've taken the Power Wagon

and turned it into scrap metal. I...

Hey, you know what they say,

"The opera ain't over till the fat lady sings."

And I think I hear her warming up.

(GRUNTING)

Rest assured, Miss Wheeler,

we have an excellent missing persons recovery rate.

We'll find him. RICK: Too late, Myron.

We've already found him. Again.

He's in the office and wants to talk to you.

And this time I think you'd better listen. Bye, Janet.

Hey, wait a minute!

Were doing you a favor, Myron. Trust me.

Believe me, this one is nothing but trouble.

Trouble?

How can $60 million in personal assets be trouble?

What?

You mean, you were paid to fall in love with me?

I was paid to get you to fall in love with me.

Well, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

Well, it's the truth.

My job was to keep you away from the corporate office.

Job?

You mean, somebody in the company hired you?

Well, I don't believe you.

You're lying. You're a liar.

Well, isn't somebody gonna get me a tissue or something?

Well, maybe it is time I grew up.

Let's pretend for a minute you're not lying.

Who paid you to do this?

I don't know.

You don't know?

I don't know.

I never met the man. Only his two employees.

The ones that were following you.

All I do know is that

it's someone very high up in your corporation.

Well, how much did they pay you?

(SOBBING)

Okay. How's this?

"Everything can still be worked out,

"but the arrangements are not yet satisfactory.

"Must meet with you personally.

"Call me in San Diego. Ken."

Sounds great.

Okay, here's what we do.

We wire a copy of this to every one of your top executives.

If Ken's lying, nothing'll happen.

They'll just think it's a joke.

If he's telling the truth, though,

one of them's bound to answer it.

Okay?

Earth to Stacey.

You have to make up your mind.

It's time to join the real world.

Send it.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello.

HAMPTON: Who is this?

This is Ken Fielding. Who is this?

I got your wire. You have a problem? What is it?

Let's talk about this in person.

I don't think that would be a very good idea.

You don't know who I am, and I would really prefer to keep it that way.

("M sure we can work out your problem over the telephone.

Listen,

I'm really getting tired of dealing with underlings,

Mr. Hampton.

If you want me to keep Stacey on a leash for you,

you do what I say.

All right.

There is a flight leaving

Houston for San Diego at 7:01 in the morning. I'll be on it.

You meet me at the airport. Satisfied?

Not yet,

You say the things I want to hear tomorrow.

Then I'll be satisfied.

Goodbye, Mr. Hampton.

Who's Hampton?

Miller Hampton. Executive Vice-President.

He's been with the company since I was a little girl.

Honey. SECRETARY: Yes, Mr. Hampton?

Check and see if there are any company jets available.

I'm going to San Diego tonight. Yes, sir,

Good morning, Stacey.

What the hell are you doing here?

You don't seem too surprised to see me.

Well, I'm just surprised you didn't have the courtesy to knock.

No, damn it! I'm not gonna play games with you.

I want an explanation.

You'll get one.

How much did Ken tell you?

He told me everything.

Except how a man my daddy loved and respected

could have done a thing like this to me.

Your daddy was a great man, Stacey.

Up to the day he died, I'd about say, he led a charmed life.

Seems the only thing he ever failed at was raising you.

My daddy was proud of me.

And I don't realize as how we've been losing any money since I took over.

You're unpredictable. You're just not in control.

And a business can't operate under those circumstances.

A business has got to be efficient

and in control and predictable.

So, I invented Ken

to keep you occupied and out of the way.

But I guess that didn't work out, did it?

You go get her packed.

You go get dressed. We're going back to Houston.

We have a noon appointment with Judge Harger.

Judge Harger?

Well, what're you gonna do? Have me committed?

I think your actions

since you have been in San Diego

kind of speak for themselves.

The little incident at the hotel restaurant,

gunplay in a public place.

I was upset.

You were upset?

You ever bother to wonder why your fiance

walked out on you the day of your wedding?

I think he walked out on you, honey,

'cause he came to the conclusion that you're crazy.

No.

Or rather, insane.

No!

Let's face it, Stacey... No!

You need somebody to take care of you.

You need help.

(GASPING)

(RINGING)

Yo. He wasn't on the flight.

I checked the passenger list.

Wasn't on the flight? What?

We've been double-crossed. You better call Houston.

All right, look, we'll meet you at the hotel. You get over there fast.

On my way.

WOMAN 1: is. Wheeler Corporation,

Yeah, Miller Hampton, please.

This is Billy Roy Johnson calling.

Just a moment, Mr. Thompson.

Yeah, thank you, ma'am.

WOMAN 1: Mr. Hampton's office.

Yeah, is he in? This here is Billy Roy calling

from Johnson Oil over in Lubbock.

I'm sorry, Mr. Thompson,

Mr. Hampton left for San Diego late last night.

Last night?

Hi.

I think that's our guy over there.

Yep.

Look, why don't you stay here okay?

Okay. We'll follow him.

Well, I don't know about the Padres chances this season.

Maybe next.

Yeah.

The service elevator's down there.

You know what the Chargers need?

George Allen.

Allen? Yeah.

You crazy? Allen ought to be coaching in high school.

Oh, come on. Tell you one thing, though,

if Fouts gets his interception rate down, he's in good shape.

A.J.: You sure we're going the right way?

Yeah, our room's right down here.

HAMPTON: Everything all right?

No! Those are the guys that Stacey hired.

I wonder where they're taking that laundry cart?

Not to the laundry room. They're gonna go to Houston.

Hey! Hey, stop!

MAN: Hey, he's got a gun!

Freeze, hold it right there. All right.

Hey! Did you see some guys come through here with a laundry cart?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They went that way!

(SIGHING)

(GRUNTS)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

I think she's gonna be okay.

Well, don't stop.

Thank you.

STACEY: "Dear A.J. and Rick,

”just a short note to thank y'all for what you did for me.

”I'm in the process of learning,

"I mean, really learning

"what it is to be chairperson

”of this great corporation my daddy left me.

"It's gonna take a while,

”but hopefully some day I'll do justice to the title.

"By the way, I heard from Ken.

”As soon as he gets out of the hospital, he's going back to Hollywood,

”It seems they really are gonna make a sequel to Chainsaw Honeymoon.

"He thinks he's got a real shot at the lead.

”Good luck in your future endeavors.

”And if you ever get to Houston, be sure and drop in,

”Well, I mean it. Love, Stacey. ”

Well,

looks like our poor little rich girl's

on her way to becoming a responsible grown-up woman.

Uh-uh. Not quite.

Huh?

The check that that poor little rich girl sent us...

bounced.

Bounced? Bounced.