Original subtitles

Hi, folks, All aboard for low, low prices,

(TRAIN BELL RINGING ON TV)

As Traxler's announces its annual "Great Train Wreck" sale.

That's right. The little engine that could, couldn't.

Ooh!

And we spent the whole month picking hundreds of quality,

factory-direct furniture off the hillsides of...

(WHOOPING)

(GUN FIRING ON TV)

ANNOUNCER ON TV: Movies all night long

brought to you by Traxler Discount Furniture Warehouse,

Hi, folks. I'm Harold Traxler. I'm going out of my mind this month

with Traxler's "Temporary Insanity" sale.

This month only, we're losing our marbles to give you the best buys

in furniture, appliances, antiques, bric-a-bracs, paddywacks...

(BEEPING)

So give your dog a bone...

Hello? WALLY ON PHONE: There's a problem.

The copier's broken.

That's okay.

HI make copies and you can return the originals.

How soon?

If anyone notices this file's missing, then...

Tomorrow night.

TRAXLER ON TV: we're not talking particle boards...

We're chopping our prices to pass on true values to you.

Call me, I'm reliable. Call me certifiable!

But call me today for the best values in town!

Limited offer for the first 25 nuts down here,

They will receive a free, black, velveteen

original work of art,

MYRON: Where's my newspaper?

The newspaper is not a community thing around here.

It's supposed to be on my desk every morning when I walk in.

You see what happens when you don't get your rabies shot?

You, get me the file on Perkins.

And where's Stocksdale?

And get me those copies I asked for yesterday.

Right away, Mr. Fowler.

And get me Horace on the phone.

Yes, sir, Mr. Fowler.

And get me some coffee.

Coming, Mr. Fowler.

Margaret.

I'll make the copies for you.

And let him get his own coffee.

Thanks, Janet.

Copier's broken again.

MARGARET: That's funny. It worked fine last night.

It's jammed now.

Daddy, were you in this filing cabinet again?

No, why?

Just curious.

MYRON: Call that bum, Stocksdale, and tell him

if he's not in my office in 30 minutes,

he won't have an office to come to anymore.

And for the last time, where's the coffee?

Are we waiting for special delivery from Brazil?

He's on a roll this morning.

What do you say? I'd give that about a 3 on the Richter.

Oh, no, no, no. A 3 is when one of his horses finishes out of the money.

No, this one...

There's a good bass to the growl,

but the endurance just isn't there.

No, I give this one 2, tops.

Well, I'd have to give it a 3.3, myself.

He managed to drive Janet right out of the office.

Oh, Wally! Good morning.

Daddy's on the warpath.

WALLY: Oh.

RICK: Hi.

A.J.: Good morning.

We'll not only offer you political asylum,

we'll even offer you breakfast.

No, thanks.

Hey, don't worry about him.

He just got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

Of course, considering that it's Myron,

he sleeps on the wrong side of the bed.

If you could be serious for a moment.

I have got a problem.

One of daddy's confidential files is missing.

A.J.: Missing?

As in stolen.

From the locked filing cabinet in his office.

What kind of file?

Well, it's the kind you can blackmail somebody with.

It's a rich client with an embarrassing personal situation.

It is Harold Traxler.

A.J.: The guy with the awful discount furniture commercials?

Now, wait. Hey, he's a classic.

I stay up and watch Highway Patrol just to see him.

He's got this one where he goes into this forest of sofa beds

in this giant warehouse with this half-naked girl and he...

(EXCLAIMING)

A.J.: Do you think it was an inside job?

One of Myron's hundreds of trained investigators?

Yeah.

I haven't told him yet. I want you to handle the case.

Us?

Well, would a brain surgeon operate on his own brain?

You know, if we're gonna talk about brains,

let's leave Myron out of this.

Okay. If you don't want the job,

I'll just let my little fingers do some walking.

(STAMMERING) No. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What do you think?

Well, I think I ought to disqualify myself from this case.

Why? Conflict of interests.

Well, if word of this gets out,

Myron's reputation is gonna be ruined, right?

MYRON: Over my dead body.

Daddy, be reasonable.

It could've been anybody in the office.

Now, come on. You can't give that case to one of your operatives.

No, no, no. If you try to investigate it, you're gonna get mad.

You're gonna fire everybody in the office.

We will never get the file back.

A good attorney never represents himself.

I was right to go outside. You have to admit that.

Oh, Daddy, look, the way I've got it figured,

whoever it was planned to copy the file and then put it back.

Well, now, the copier broke down.

So if he thinks that we haven't noticed that the file is missing...

They'll come back and try and return it.

Mmm-hmm. And you two will be there to catch him.

Okay with you?

I want a professional discount.

Myron, we charge an honest rate.

Hey, come on, I'm practically family.

Adopt us, we'll talk about it.

I don't want him involved.

We work as a team.

I want daily reports.

Weekly.

I want receipts for all expenses.

Even bribes?

A good investigator...

Doesn't tell another good investigator how to do his job.

Hello, Wally.

What the hell do you expect me to do?

Look at the options you're giving me.

I could break your legs and fire you.

Or I could break your legs, fire you, and call the police.

Or I can just break your legs for starters

and then work my way up the rest of your body.

Wally, do you want me to turn you over

to those two monkey grips out there?

Come on, Myron.

I've played good cop-bad cop. You taught me.

Well, then what the hell's got you running so scared

that you trash 20 years of trust and friendship

and you don't even have the guts to tell me why?

Wally, please, talk to me. You playing the horses?

Is it loan sharks, the mob, what?

It's worse.

What could be worse?

That's your life, Wally. I'm putting the word out on you today.

You're never gonna work in this business again.

Myron.

What's it all about?

I don't know. He wouldn't tell me.

He wouldn't tell you anything?

Nothing.

And you let him walk out of here?

Myron, we could have broken him.

Somebody already broke him, Rick.

Somebody pushed all the right buttons

and took his manhood away from him.

I saw it happen in Korea.

Wally's scared to death.

I've known him 20 years.

I want you guys to stick on him like cheap cologne.

I wanna know everywhere he goes,

everyone he sees.

I wanna know who did this to him.

He's a friend of mine.

RICK: If I were Wally, you know what I'd do? I'd go to Hawaii.

Be packing my bags right now.

Always wanted to be on a stakeout in Hawaii.

I think we better move.

What are you talking about?

Sun's right, nice breeze. Can't you just hear

the soft rustling of dollar bills every minute we sit here?

Yeah. But that little old lady over there

has been watering the same rose for the past 20 minutes.

Yeah, so?

So she's made us.

So she's gonna call the police.

So we're gonna have to answer some very awkward questions.

So Wally's gonna find out that we've made him.

So Myron's gonna fire us.

So I'll take care of it.

Excuse me, ma'am.

(EXCLAIMING)

I'd just like to introduce myself.

My name is Rick Simon, that's my brother A.J. out there

with our attack trained security animal.

We're part of Community Watch.

That's a citizens' action group that was formed

to discourage burglary and other neighborhood crimes.

You are?

Yes, ma'am. I just wanted to let you know

we're gonna be operating in this area on a trial basis this week.

Well, it just so happens that last...

In honor of the birth of my latest grandchild,

Traxler's is proud to announce

our "It's A Boy" sale.

Come in for your free cigar

and a look at the biggest bargains since our "Damaged In Transit" sale.

Hundreds of dinette sets, sofa beds, three-piece sectionals.

Hold it. Honey.

She's late on the Queen Sleeper again.

Okay. Cut it.

Let's pick it up again at the dinette set.

Caroline, want to walk it again?

And while you're at it, better let her work out on that rocker recliner

so that we don't have to call the fire department again.

I'm glad you called me about the missing file, Myron.

Do me a favor. Sure.

Forget all about it. Pretend it never happened.

What are you talking about?

Harold, is somebody putting the arm on you?

No!

It's personal. I can handle it.

Anything you try to do to help will just make it worse.

Understand?

No, I don't understand.

Then trust me.

Myron, I'm your best client, right?

So I get in trouble with the girls every few months.

It's money out of my pocket into yours.

What's wrong with that?

Just drop it.

That file was stolen out of my office.

You trusted me, and I betrayed that.

I still trust you. Trust me. Stay out of it. Please.

BARBARA: Ready when you are, Mr. T.

Okay. Be with you in a minute, Barbara.

(WHISPERING) Myron, you don't know. You have no idea.

Please.

I haven't had this kind of excitement

since Barnaby Jones went off the air.

Well, as most of our work is just a routine precaution,

I'd kind of appreciate it if you didn't tell the rest of the neighbors about this.

All right.

Oh, would you like a brownie?

Yes, ma'am.

You know, it made me so mad.

He was the one thing that we seniors could relate to.

These are very good. What do you put in here?

The usual thing.

Flour, sugar, chocolate, fifth of gin.

I call them my Happy Hour Brownies.

Well, they're very good.

Why don't you take one for your friend?

Thank you very much.

And one for later.

Okay, thank you a lot.

Oh, and...

No. I don't want to take all your brownies, Miss Mitchell.

Thank you.

Very good.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Here you go, Marlowe. A little reward for being so patient.

Here.

Come here.

Come on, Marlowe.

Marlowe, come on.

Marlowe. Get out of there. Come on.

(WHIMPERING)

Hi, Nadine. It's Rick Simon.

Terrific.

Hey, listen, sweetheart.

How about punching one into your computer there for me, okay?

All right, it's California,

284, Yankee, Bravo, Victor.

Okay.

Yeah, Frank, what?

Frank Campbell. Let me write that down.

All right. Got it.

Yeah.

Well, of course I remember your hot tub.

It was worth every splinter of it.

(RICK LAUGHING)

Thursday at 8:00? All right.

Yeah, listen, Nadine, should I bring my snorkel and fins?

Absolutely.

All right. Bye-bye.

We belong to the same health club.

I went out to see Traxler.

A.J.: And what did he say?

Nothing.

Nothing, as in not much,

or nothing, as in what we got from Wally?

He said, "I just want to forget it ever happened."

Forget what ever happened? Myron, what is in that file?

Harold keeps getting in trouble

with those girls he does those commercials with.

It costs him a lot of money to keep things quiet.

Well, if he's not afraid of blackmail, what is he afraid of?

Not what. Who.

Traxler was as scared as Wally was.

Maybe more so.

Whoever stole that file has got two grown men

absolutely terrified.

What kind of a monster are we dealing with?

Well, at least we know it's federal.

RICK: What the hell, I'm a veteran.

You can't park here.

Why not? They parked in my space for two years.

You sure it was an honorable discharge?

Barely.

Thank you, Nancy.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGING)

AGENT: Good morning, Frank.

How's everything going up on your floor?

CAMPBELL: We're doing our best, Jerry.

See you later, Frank.

You got a lead?

We do.

You better come in, Myron, and shut the door.

Good news, isn't it?

Yeah, it's great news. Just one little problem.

What's that?

You were asking earlier who could possibly strike fear

into the hearts of otherwise strong men?

Yeah. We found out.

Yeah? It's worse than we thought.

That's what Wally said. That's what Traxler said.

So who is it?

A.J.: The IRS.

No, it couldn't be.

No, why would the IRS wanna steal a file out of my office?

I filed my tax return on time this year, didn't I?

I don't know, Daddy.

Are you sure? The IRS?

We will be sure by this time tomorrow.

Excuse me.

RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Simon? Yes?

Mr. Campbell will see you now.

Oh, thank you.

Hello?

Yes, yes.

One moment, please.

Yes, you're Mr... Simon. A.J. Simon.

Yes, Mr. Simon. You're here to be audited for what year, 19...

Oh.

Actually, I'm not being audited at all.

In fact, this was my idea.

Mr. Simon, if you're here to protest a disallowance,

you're wasting my time and yours.

I could recommend an excellent tax attorney.

No, no, no, it's not that.

Then why are you here?

Well, this is rather embarrassing.

My conscience won't let me forget. It was 1977.

What about 1977?

I made an error on my income tax return.

I'm amazed, actually, that the IRS didn't spot it.

What happened, see, was that I forgot to include it under income.

I was left the stocks by my father,

and, you know, the dividends never really amount to all that much.

$148 and 37 cents.

You're telling me that you forgot to declare a stock dividend for $148.

Yes.

And you were in the 30% bracket that year,

which would mean that you would owe an additional...

Uh, $44 and 51 cents.

Plus interest. Four years' interest.

Of course. I forgot about the interest.

You do seem to have a memory problem, Mr. Simon.

Hi, Marianne?

I'm Rick Simon. We met at the Peerless Christmas party last year, remember?

Oh, sure. How are you?

I'm fine, I'm fine. Listen, I just came by to say goodbye to Wally.

Well, he left for Baltimore this morning.

Baltimore?

My brothers live there. My family's in the meat packing business.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Wally...

He said something about going into a different line of work.

Listen, guys at the office, we were just, you know, wondering,

is everything okay?

I mean, what with Wally picking up stakes so quickly and everything.

Everything's fine.

You sure now? No problem like a medical problem or anything like that?

No, really. Thank you.

Well, I know it seems like a sudden decision,

but Wally said he'd been thinking about it for months.

And then the tax audit turned out to be nothing.

Audit? Yes.

We were audited for '77, '78 and '79.

Wally was very upset about it.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Wally mentioned something about that.

Yeah. He hardly slept for two weeks.

But then when he went to see the auditor, it turned out to be no problem at all.

None?

No. We didn't even have to pay anything extra.

Oh, that's terrific.

Well, listen,

tell Wally I said hello and goodbye and...

Okay? Okay.

Bye. Bye.

Mr. Simon, you've claimed a deduction for dry cleaning?

Yes. Well, in my line of work, appearance is very important.

You're a private investigator?

Yes.

Well, Mr. Simon, there appear to be a few discrepancies,

but nothing worth going into detail for.

We'll be sending you a bill, Mr. Simon,

with the proper interest calculated for you.

All right. Thank you.

Sorry.

Thank you very much.

Come on.

We got a real winner here, threatened to blow up the First Lady's new china.

The First Lady's china.

That's the office.

Lock's pin-and-tumbler.

Filing cabinet's a push button pin-and-tumbler. With a three tumbler key.

(COPIER WHIRRING)

The man works late.

(SIGHING)

Come on.

Hey, you Campbell, F, right?

You wanna stick around, that's fine by me. I'll work around you.

What do you think you're doing?

It's all in the memo.

What memo?

What do you mean, you didn't get the...

Oh, those jerks in Dispatch.

Hey, look. Can I borrow your pen here, pal? I left mine down in the truck.

May I see some identification?

What are you? Jack Webb? Here.

Hold the end of this up against the windowsill over there, would you, please?

Right over there against the windowsill.

Right down there at the bottom. That's it.

You wanted a bigger office, right? We're gonna give you a bigger office.

Knock out a couple of these walls, give you a lot more room.

You'll be happy, it'll be wonderful and terrific.

There you go.

What about the window?

Window?

Nobody said nothing to me about no window.

But, you know, I'll check with my supervisor, see what I can do.

Yeah, I don't see no problem with that. Window there'd be nice. Yeah.

RICK: Window. Yeah.

If I find you've disturbed anything,

you'll never work for the Civil Service again.

Is that a promise?

Wally's is marked, "No Action Taken."

Traxler's is marked, "Pending."

Tampering with government documents is a federal offense,

gentlemen.

If I were you, I'd put that back in the right place.

Blackmail, extortion and fraud are not federal offenses, Mr. Campbell,

but I think it's enough to put you away for a little while.

So Traxler's hired himself two more private investigators.

A very unique tax shelter.

Only, it's only going to get him into more trouble.

You're the one that's in trouble, Mr. Campbell.

I am? Oh, no, I don't think so.

Not at all.

This is Frank Campbell, room 507-0. I need a security guard.

Emergency.

No, no. Please come at your convenience. Thank you.

I should've realized.

You and your anguished taxpayer routine.

However, I must admit, you had me fooled.

No, I don't think you realize

just how serious this trouble is, Mr. Campbell.

Now, we can prove... You can prove what?

That I asked Wally to do me a favor?

In return, I would overlook a few discrepancies in his income tax return?

You can't prove that. Wally won't help you.

Wally's in a lot of trouble lately. I'll reopen his case.

More than likely he'll end up in prison and his family penniless.

I don't think Wally would be too eager to testify.

Now, you tell Harold that all of his expensive accountants and lawyers

aren't going to save him.

And you two are going to wish that you'd never been born.

What do you think you're doing?

You come into my office and you threaten me.

Who do you think you're dealing with?

Some petty bureaucrat with a 68-9 who's afraid of his own shadow?

I'm in trouble?

Oh, no. You just don't know where you are.

You and poor old Harold.

Well, let me tell you where you've landed.

You've landed right here.

And you're going to be sorry. Very, very sorry.

Do you have a problem here, Mr. Campbell?

Problem?

Oh, no. No, these two gentlemen were trying to find the way out.

Well, right this way, gentlemen.

They're gonna seize my boat.

They say I didn't even file a tax return last year.

Do you believe this? They can't do this!

You wanna bet? Check that one out.

Oh, how could you owe $5,180 in back taxes?

Oh, simple. Campbell just moved the decimal point.

That's the good news.

The bad news is that I have... I have 10 days to pay it,

otherwise, they freeze my assets, they seize all my property.

Are you kidding?

It'll take 10 days to get an appointment just to straighten this mess out.

I'd like to freeze his assets.

MYRON: It's all their fault!

Myron.

It's not gonna do any good, but it'll make me feel better!

I'm gonna kill both of them!

Myron being audited, too?

(WHISPERING) Okay.

Thank you.

(WHIRRING)

A. 7 Huh? A“

Did you loan your car to a couple of guys with a tow truck?

What?

(TRUCK ENGINE REVVING)

Hey!

Harold, I'm telling you, this thing isn't private anymore.

It's happening to all of us. Campbell is insane.

And he's gotta be stopped.

Look, the man is using the United States Government

for his own personal motives.

Now, he is making a mockery out of everything that this country stands for.

And you're letting it happen.

Now, if you don't tell us why Campbell is after you, we can't stop him.

Harold, what'd you do to him?

We were partners, 20 years ago, in Des Moines.

I drove a truck door to door,

asking people if they had any used furniture they wanted to get rid of.

Frank was a whiz with the books.

See this woman standing in the middle?

Harold, you didn't.

I did. You know me, Myron.

It was her idea.

I wanted to tell Frank. She convinced me to go to Reno that night.

It was all over in a month. The divorce, the marriage and the divorce.

No, wait a minute. How did you manage two divorces?

She left me for a tractor parts salesman.

I was luckier than Frank, though.

At least she didn't take my shares in the business.

She took Campbell to the cleaners?

She martinized him.

She fiddled with the books and took his shares

and left him high and dry.

He was destroyed.

Frank left town one week before Cheryl left me.

I didn't even have a chance to tell him.

And he's held a grudge against you for 20 years?

I wrote him one every year.

All returned, unopened.

Then I lost track of him. I didn't even know he was in San Diego

until I got into this tax problem.

He audited me for '76 and '77. I was clean.

So, I guess he got frantic.

Hey, I got good accountants.

So he threatened to use the file he stole from your office

to get me to agree to the rulings on '78, '79 and '80.

I had no choice.

I lose my business fast because of the girls,

or I lose my business slow because of the IRS.

Harold, you're just gonna have to help us out.

And if you don't, this Campbell will squeeze you to death.

If I fight him, he'll only get me sooner.

That's wrong. He's beaten you because you've given up.

How can you fight the IRS?

A.J.: Well, we may have a plan, but we're gonna need your help.

RICK: Boy, I hope Traxler is a better actor tonight

than he is on those commercials.

A.J.: Is it him?

RICK: Yep, that's him.

A.J.: Well, get back in. Don't let him see you.

Well, let's do it.

Just lie low. Give him some time.

How long you think it's gonna take?

I don't know. I've never done a nervous breakdown before.

That's true.

TRAXLER: Thanks for coming, Frank.

At least now we can talk face to face, man to man.

You're about 20 years too late for that, Harold.

You know how many times I tried?

I can't take this anymore.

You've got to give me a chance to make things up to you.

I'll give you anything you want.

You don't have anything that I want.

Anymore.

Cheryl would've left you anyway. She was no damn good.

She left me after a month, ran off with some salesman.

An Executive Vice President, Harold.

It lasted four years.

Then she married a computer technician.

That lasted five years.

She's single now. I see her returns annually.

She's having a lot of trouble with her taxes.

When is it gonna end? When are you gonna be satisfied?

Haven't you had enough?

Well, if I had my way, it wouldn't ever end.

Of course, sooner or later, you'll be ruined.

The way you ruined me.

Then it will be all over for you, Harold.

Now, now, Harold. That's a stupid, stupid move.

You could kill me, but you can't kill the Federal Government.

You're on the list.

Yes, even if you killed me and got away with it,

Uncle Sam would never give you a moment's peace.

I thought I could reason with you, but I was wrong.

You're insane, Frank! I'm not gonna let you torture me!

(GUN FIRING)

(DOOR OPENING)

A.J.: What have you done?

Is he dead?

You killed him.

RICK: A.J., call the police.

CAMPBELL: No!

RICK: You think he bought it?

A.J.: I will if you will.

A.J.: Hey, hey, hey. Slow down. We don't wanna lose him.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Is he over that way? Nope.

I think we've lost him.

Oh, nuts.

(A.J. EXCLAIMING)

(GRUNTING)

Aha.

We got him. He's right behind us.

Okay. I'll go right, you go left.

(RICK SNEEZING LOUDLY)

Bless you!

A.J.: Over here.

Whoa!

Hello.

Police ought to be here by now.

No, they're about as on time as trains.

How many shots has he fired, anyway?

Six.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

That's all right.

(CLICKING)

Ooh. We would have bought the farm with that one.

With these cat-like reflexes? Come on.

Those are not blanks!

Where'd he get a real gun?

Why don't you ask him?

Goodbye, Mr. Simon.

The United States Government will miss your annual contributions.

(GRUNTING)

Rick!

A.J., hang on!

(DISTANT SIRENS WAILING)

Easy. Easy now. Easy.

You okay?

AJ; Yeah.

You wanna get up?

Yeah. Okay.

Up you go.

Don't move, mister.

Get his gun.

Hold it. Oh!

I didn't mean to kill him.

I'll show you. I didn't mean it.

I didn't mean it.

It was self-defense.

I didn't kill him, I swear!

You shot Traxler? Yes.

No. His body is...

It was... It was right here.

I mean... Wait a minute.

I don't understand.

They saw him.

He shot himself.

Right here. Who?

Traxler.

What's going on here?

No.

No, it can't be.

You're supposed to...

What's he talking about?

I don't know. He's got this crazy idea that you're dead.

Dead? Me? I've never felt better in my life.

Oh, I see.

You're trying to get me to think that...

Well, it won't work.

Nobody's gonna hurt you, pal.

Now, come on. It's time to go.

No! No! I saw it with my own eyes.

It was self-defense.

Ask them. They saw it.

Oh, no, no. I saw it. It was self-defense.

He shot himself. You've got to understand.

Please?

Tell me you understand.

Sure. Don't worry about a thing.

Everything's gonna be okay.

We're gonna go to the car, we're gonna take a ride to the hospital,

and you can tell the doctor all about it.

Who is he?

Frank Campbell. He works for the IRS.

I don't think he's gonna be working anywhere for quite a while.

Hi, folks, All aboard for low, low prices,

(TRAIN BELL RINGING ON TV)

As Traxler's announces its annual "Great Train Wreck" sale.

That's right. The little engine that could, couldn't.

Ooh!

And we spent the whole month picking hundreds of quality,

factory direct furniture off the hillsides of Escondido,

so we can pass great values on to you.

I didn't know he was on in the afternoons, too.

Oh, yeah, he's better than the soap operas.

I don't know how you can stand to watch him.

Who cares about Traxler? It happens that I'm a furniture lover.

Just look at that matched set.

Oh.

Caroline will be waiting to show you...

Oh, yeah.

Huge selection of plush velour playpens!

We're giving it away because of a nick here and a tear there...

How does she do that?