Original subtitles

(PHONE RINGING)

WOMAN: Good afternoon, County Morgue.

County Morgue. Hold one moment, please.

Excuse me.

I'm supposed to deliver this to a Dr. Medlow.

Through there. Thank you.

You new here?

Yeah. I just transferred from over at County.

I like it better here, you know. It's quieter.

Yeah. The patients don't talk back.

Right.

Inflammation of the aortal...

I don't have time today. Just stack that up.

But...

Don't argue with me. Just wheel that thing into the freezer.

It's first come, first serve.

Doc, I can't do that.

I think I'll just report you for insubordination.

What's your name? Rick Simon. What's yours?

You don't know who I am?

No. How about you tell me?

I just happen to be the deputy coroner, that's who.

Well, I knew that, but what's your name?

Son, you're never gonna forget my name

because I'm the man who's gonna have you fired. Ah.

Just so you don't forget, it's Dr. Robert Medlow.

Dr. Robert P. Medlow?

That's right.

Robert P. Medlow, you've been served.

I thought you'd never get here.

The planes were stacked up.

I wish I could have met you at the airport.

No, too risky. We can't make him suspicious.

I just hope I can go through with it.

You'll be fine. Really.

Can't you just stay till it's over?

No. I've gotta go to LA to set up the other end.

Hey, here's the picture.

Now all we need is some hungry private detective to serve the papers.

I've got two names. I checked out their credit. It's practically non-existent.

Perfect. What are their names?

Simpson, Sampson. I...

"Simon and Simon."

A.J.: We got another one.

RICK: I don't want another one.

I don't like serving papers on people.

How come you're not driving? It was your turn to drive.

Because I don't have any gas.

Well, why don't you get some gas?

Because I don't have any money to get any gas.

That's why we're serving papers on people.

SYLVIA: These are the papers.

I'll show you a picture of Tony.

A divorce hearing. Yes.

He left a couple of months ago

for some young girl.

He must be crazy.

Thank you.

That was a few years ago.

Do you have an address on him?

No. But yesterday I saw him go into the Hotel Montreaux.

Maybe he's staying there.

Did you follow him inside?

No.

How do you know he didn't just go

to the restaurant or the bar or something?

Well, I saw him go into an elevator

and then when I inquired at the desk,

they said he wasn't registered there.

I thought you said you didn't go in.

Well, I did go in.

I just thought that...

Well, you know, that you meant that I went up to his room.

How much do you charge?

Well, this is really more like a missing persons case

than a simple process serving,

so we'd have to charge our investigative rate.

Oh, fine. Fine.

That's $300 a day.

Right.

Oh, I seem to have misplaced my checkbook.

Do you accept cash?

Oh, yes.

Gas money.

I'm sorry, sir.

We can't give out that kind of information about our guests.

Just a second here.

See, I don't think you quite understand.

This is a bribe.

Oh. Oh, I understand, sir.

I don't take bribes.

I'm a management trainee.

I thought my friend might have bought something here and signed for it.

What's his name?

Well, that's the problem.

You see, I don't think he was using his name, if you know what I mean.

No. I've never heard of such a thing.

Here's his picture.

I couldn't take your money.

Just a minute.

Five-to-one she comes back

with his room number and her phone number.

He did buy something here.

He's using the name Michael Dennison.

He's in room 1101.

Oh, terrific. Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

Excuse me. Excuse me!

How much is this?

That's $182.50.

Oh.

Excuse me.

Do you rent?

DENNISON: Yes, what is it?

Room service.

I didn't order any room service.

Compliments of the hotel, Mr. Ross.

Well, what is all this?

Mr. Anthony Ross, you are the recipient

of this lovely fruit basket

and this lovely subpoena.

What are you talking about? I'm not Anthony Ross.

My name is Michael Dennison. Here you go.

Is this or is this not you?

Well, yes, it's me, but...

In that case, Mr. Anthony Ross,

you have been officially served.

No, really. I am Michael Dennison. Yeah, right.

Hey, hey! You're making a mistake.

You'll be all right, fine. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Oh, you're welcome.

I'll be seeing you.

Bye. Bye-bye.

You know, there was something about the expression on that guy's face.

Did you notice that?

I guess not. Just drop me off at the Power Wagon.

I'll gas it up.

MAN: Please...

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Oh, my God.

(SIREN WAILING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Anybody know who he is, or was?

Yeah. His name is Ross. Anthony Ross.

We just left him upstairs.

That is it. No more subpoenas. No more divorces.

No more repos. I don't care if we starve. What do you propose we do for a living?

I don't care what we do for a living!

I'm not thrilled about this either.

I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna starve.

Would you please stop this?

No, wait a minute. Look at this. Look at this.

We made the big time, didn't we?

"Private detectives Richard and Andrew Simon

"identified the jumper as Anthony Ross,

"although he was registered at the hotel

"under the alias Michael Dennison."

Look at that. Front page! We made it!

Rick. Rick.

What?

Don't blame yourself.

(DOOR OPENING)

Richard and Andrew Simon?

I'm A.J., he's Rick, this is Janet Fowler. Who are you?

I'm Laura Steubens and I demand an explanation.

Of what?

Of why you identified my husband as Anthony Ross.

Oh. And now you act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

Ma'am, maybe that's because we don't know what you're talking about.

My husband, actually my ex,

called me from Hong Kong

and wanted me to fly in from Des Moines where I live

and meet him in San Diego at the Montreaux

for a reconciliation.

Well, at first I said no.

And then I thought about it

and I decided to fly in, for old times' sake.

(SOBBING) And when I got to the hotel...

Here you go.

Thank you.

And it says that you identified the body as Anthony Ross.

Mrs. Steubens, wait a second.

You think that the man who died is your husband?

Mmm.

A.J.: Is this him?

(LAURA SNIFFLING)

(CRYING)

That's a yes.

Mrs. Steubens, what was Mr. Steubens' first name?

His name isn't Steubens. That's my maiden name.

I went back to it after we separated.

My husband's named Michael Dennison.

Oh, yeah.

WOMAN ON PA: Flight 489 is now ready for boarding at gate 33,

All passengers traveling with small children

or children traveling alone under the age of nine who may need assistance,

please come to the gate at the left of the check-in area.

Gerald DePago, please pick up the white courtesy telephone.

Gerald DePago, please pick up the white courtesy telephone.

Will the owner of a red Ferrari

parked outside the terminal,

please move it or it will be towed.

LAZENBY: Yes, indeed, Mr. Ross is here.

May we see him?

You may come to the memorial service this evening at 7:00.

But I'm afraid it will be impossible to view the body.

Why?

Because at this very moment it's being cremated.

If you'd like to pay a condolence call on the widow,

she'll be here for the memorial service at 7:00.

I can't wait till 7:00.

Dead.

JANET: Hi, A.J.

Hi.

What's the matter?

Well, it's not me, really. It's Rick. It's...

It's this Ross/Dennison thing. It's really got him down.

Well, didn't Miss Steubens identify the body one way or the other?

No, we were too late.

They'd already cremated him, there was no way to tell.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Well...

There might be a way to tell.

How?

Well, the coroner took fingerprints off the body.

Now if I called the FBI,

they might have print IDs on Ross and Dennison,

I could see which set of prints matched.

Good. Why don't you do that?

Because the FBI doesn't like me.

What?

They don't like... Well, it it's not me, really. It's Rick.

They sort of don't like Rick. I don't know why.

I know why. Because in 1976

he handcuffed himself to the front door

of the Veterans' Administration. That's why.

Well, I'll tell you what.

How about if I call the FBI for you?

MYRON: What?

Daddy, Rick's really down about this.

Send him some flowers.

(PHONE RINGING)

WOMAN: Good afternoon. Peerless Detectives.

One moment, please.

(ORGAN PLAYING)

No sign of Mrs. Ross.

Did you really expect her?

I was hoping.

Is... Is that the... Yeah, I think so.

Mr. Lazenby.

Good evening. And my condolences.

Is it Mr. Lazenby or Reverend Lazenby?

Yes.

I graduated from Saving Grace Bible College.

Correspondence division.

Their slogan is, "God is as close as your mailbox."

I'd better begin.

We are gathered here to remember

friend, husband and good citizen,

Anthony Ross.

I wish he wouldn't call him that.

Anthony was a businessman prominent in the import and export field.

A born leader.

Michael was a born follower.

An expert skier and mountain climber. Michael was a klutz.

He loved the outdoors.

Michael loved air-conditioning.

Anthony was taken from us in his prime, a mere 41.

Michael was 33.

Deprived of his three score and ten

by a grievous accident.

The Lord acts sometimes in mysterious ways, indeed.

It wasn't the Lord.

And now, if you'll turn to page 107

in your prayer books and rise.

(MUSIC PLAYING LOUDER)

"We commend to almighty God, our brother,

"and we commit his body to the crypt.

(CRYING)

"Earth to earth, ashes to ashes,

"dust to dust.

"The Lord bless him and keep him.

"The Lord make his face to shine upon him and be gracious unto him.

"The Lord lift up his countenance upon him and give him peace."

Amen. Amen.

Amen.

Who was that?

I don't know.

Excuse me.

Hey, come here.

Let's assume that Laura's right

and it was her husband who was killed and he was pushed, okay?

Now let's then assume that you're Anthony Ross and you want somebody,

Mr. X, we'll call him, to think that you're dead.

What do you do?

Well,

first I'd befriend Michael Dennison... RICK: Mmm-hmm.

And I'd steal a photograph of him out of his wallet...

Mmm-hmm.

And then I'd get my wife,

or somebody posing as my wife... Right.

To hire two dumb detectives... Bingo.

And set them up to misidentify the corpse as me.

That's right. And the plan would have gone off without a hitch

if Laura hadn't changed her mind

and decided to come to town to surprise her husband.

Yep.

Go in peace.

I thought Mrs. Ross was going to be here.

So did I.

Do you know how we can get in touch with her?

She left her address on Pacific Coast Highway.

Yeah, we've already been there.

How did she pay? Cash, I'll bet.

Yes. She'd misplaced her checkbook.

Yeah. She does that a lot.

Is she going to pick up the urn?

No. It will be interred in the morning.

She bought a niche in our Eternal Ash Room.

Oh.

Well, thank you.

Well, good night.

You sure you won't come get something to eat with us?

I mean, you haven't eaten all day.

That's all right. I really wanna be alone.

Okay.

I'll pick you up tomorrow.

Thanks. Yeah.

(SIGHING)

Tomorrow, you drive.

(CRASHING)

Help! Help!

Shut up. Just shut up!

Now, you can make this easy or you can make this hard. It's up to you.

Please don't hurt me.

I just want the stuff, Mrs. Ross.

Oh. Wait...

Your husband's dead. You gotta have it.

I'm not Mrs. Ross.

Please don't play games with me.

No, you don't understand. I'm really not Mrs. Ross.

I'm Laura Dennison. Honest.

Look. Look at my driver's license.

I'm not falling for any more tricks.

What were you doing at Ross' funeral if you're not his wife?

Here. Look. Laura Dennison, see?

What are you pulling?

Doesn't say Dennison. It says Steubens.

Oh, look, I can explain...

You better explain where the stuff is hidden!

You got 10 seconds, or I'm gonna...

Hey! Hey!

You all right?

Yeah.

Here. You wanna sit? Yeah.

He thought I was Mrs. Ross.

There's an epidemic.

I want to hire you to find out what's going on around here.

And I'll pay you.

No, no. We've already been paid and duped by Mrs. Ross.

Now you save your money.

And we're not gonna get off of this case until we get even.

I lost him.

He thought she was Mrs. Ross.

Who is he?

Mr.

JANET: Laura, which one of these two men is your husband?

LAURA: This one.

You agree with the FBI. That's Michael Dennison.

What, they had a file on him?

Yes, they did. And they had a file on Laura, too.

She was arrested for a Vietnam protest in 1969.

It was great. 112 of us spent the night in jail singing folk songs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, at least she didn't handcuff herself to anything.

What about the other one?

This one is Anthony Ross. He had three arrests.

Grand larceny, extortion and smuggling,

but no convictions.

Does he have a wife?

JANET: You tell me.

Yep, that's her. What's her real name?

Mrs. Sylvia Ross.

We better call the cops.

I already did.

Calm down? How do you expect me to calm down?

Don't you understand he knows you're not dead?

ROSS: Okay, so he knows.

But he doesn't know where I am or where you are.

And he doesn't know where the diamonds are, either.

Did you put them where I told you?

Yes.

Then we go ahead with the plan as scheduled.

Tony, I am going crazy, sitting up here, all alone.

Why can't we just go to Mexico City now? Why do we have to wait?

Because I don't know a buyer in Mexico City.

Now just sit tight.

I'm trying to get this over with as fast as I can.

As soon as I make the arrangements, I'll call. All right?

Tony, I love you.

(DIAL TONE DRONING)

Well, we can talk to Lazenby again.

Or we could go over and check with Mrs. Ross' landlord.

Okay.

Hi, Mom.

Don't you two have any respect for the dead?

Did I say something wrong?

Well, no.

Well, I bought you a new fern.

And it's time you buried this, don't you think?

Maybe if you watered your plants once in a while...

Mom, this is Laura.

Laura, this is our mom, Cecilia.

Hello, Laura. Nice to meet you.

Hello.

Are you two in some kind of trouble?

No. Why? Yeah, why?

There's a gorilla outside, casing the joint, that's why.

RICK: Yeah. That's him.

A.J.: Mr. X.

What are we gonna do?

Mom, can you do us a favor?

Do you want me to go out there and find out...

Oh, no, no, no. No.

If you could just take Laura out the back way

and over to your place for a little while?

Oh, of course. Good.

Laura, you come to my place for coffee and we'll talk girl-talk.

Mom.

I'm not sure what girl-talk is anymore,

but in my day, when I was young, it was boys, clothes

and I wonder where the yellow went.

No, it's still boys, clothes and waxy yellow build-up.

No. Let... Wait.

Let's not do anything rash.

We're just gonna lead him away.

All right?

You want some ice cream?

No. You want some?

Yeah. My treat. What do you want?

For real? Yeah.

Ice cream bar... A.J.: Whatever you got.

There you go. You got change for a $50?

All I got.

Thanks, anyway.

Thank you. I'll get the next one.

Uh-huh.

He following us?

Oh, yeah. Oh, good.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

RICK: Uh-oh.

A.J.: Don't tell me.

Okay. Don't tell me!

I'm not telling you. You didn't get gas!

I didn't tell you. Why didn't you get gas?

Because I forgot, okay?

No, it's not okay. We've lost the advantage. We're sitting ducks now!

Well, let's stop sitting.

A.J.: Hey, hey, police!

(WHISTLING) Hey!

Hey, let us in!

Hey, listen now, you guys. Stop that!

There's a man chasing us with a gun!

Call a cop.

We are. You.

I'm a police mechanic. Can't you read?

RICK: Read what? Oh, hey, come on.

Hey, where are you going? Don't... Hey!

Hold it!

Turn around.

Hold it! Back up away from him.

Hands on top of your head. Get back!

You okay?

Yeah.

You two are in a whole lot of trouble.

That's funny. It doesn't look to me like we're the ones in trouble.

HANK: Yeah? Yeah.

Just take my wallet out of my jacket.

If he moves, shoot him.

Be glad to.

A Fed?

Oh, jeez.

I'm Hank Galante, an agent of the US Customs Service.

Hank, we gotta stop meeting like this.

The furniture had gone back to the rental place.

Car's gone back.

She paid cash for everything.

Including us.

Yeah, telephone was disconnected.

We tried checking with the phone company.

She only made local phone calls.

Scout's honor.

All right, let me ask you something.

If you're not Ross' accomplices,

why'd you hit me at the hotel room when I went for my badge?

'Cause I thought you were going for a gun.

Hey, we didn't know you were a Fed.

Okay, okay. I guess I believe you for now.

Well, good.

Well, then you tell us, what is this all about?

Ross stole two million dollars worth of diamonds in Hong Kong

from a courier delivering them to the Taiwan government.

Customs picked up his trail in Honolulu

when he brought them back into the country.

I was assigned to follow him to the buyer,

but I lost him in San Francisco.

And then I followed the lead to San Diego.

Then I read in the paper where he killed himself.

The next day, it said it wasn't him.

That's what's going on.

You know, we've been puppets during all this.

And Ross had been pulling the strings.

Just wait till I get my hands on him.

Your mother's really nice.

Yeah. Sometimes I wonder why she puts up with us.

(SHUSHING)

Yes, sir. Simon. Right.

Galante here yet?

Are you sure this guy is really a customs agent?

Well, that's what he's trying to find out now.

And that is his assignment?

Yes.

Right. Anything he wants. We will.

Okay. Thank you.

Well, Galante is who he says he is.

He's been a customs agent for 18 years.

His record is impeccable.

Until now.

What do you mean?

There's just something personal going on between him and Ross.

(DOOR OPENING)

You come up with anything?

Not a thing. How about you?

We had a crummy break.

One of our men in the Los Angeles diamond mart spotted Ross

and he followed him back to his hotel.

But by the time we could get a team there, he'd checked out.

Well, who'd he call?

How do I know who he called?

Wouldn't it help to find out?

We already checked Mrs. Ross' phone calls. So did you.

They're too smart to leave traces like that.

No. She knew not to call Ross.

But he didn't have to take the same precautions

because his location was a secret.

I like that. That's very good.

You know you guys are good? I'm serious.

RICK: The scenery's terrific,

but do you think we'll get there today?

HANK: Hey, I don't wanna miss the turnoff, okay?

Besides, we're not even sure this is the place.

A.J.: It has to be. It's the only number Ross called repeatedly.

And I'll bet Mrs. Ross is just sitting up there, waiting for him.

RICK: Of course, we're in no hurry now, are we, Hank?

Look, you guys are lucky I'm letting you come along.

Are you kidding? If it weren't for us,

you'd still be back in town playing with your decoder ring.

I gotta go to the john.

Why don't you two go inside and get a six-pack of beer and a bunch of candy bars?

With what?

I think I better wait in the car.

No, no, no, no. Let's do what the man says.

Okay.

Well.

LAURA: I'm sorry I'm late, I got stuck in traffic.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Oh, no. You didn't, by any chance,

just happen to put some gas in here, just by accident?

No. Nobody told me to.

Well, at least we know how far a gallon will take us.

All right, Mrs. Ross. The game's finally over.

Galante?

You know my name? We never met.

I saw you with my husband in Hong Kong.

SYLVIA: I didn't wanna do this.

He insisted on double-crossing you.

Honest. I didn't wanna do it.

You know, for someone who didn't want to, you sure were good at it.

Where are the diamonds? I want them now.

Look, we can make a deal.

You can have more than a third,

you can have half. Dennison's share.

You can even go to Mexico City with us.

Here's the deal. You see, you take me to the diamonds,

I get them all and you stay alive. That's the deal.

I can't do that. Tony would kill me.

You know, you should've thought of that before you killed Dennison.

Now you got no choice. Where's the stuff?

She killed Michael?

To get his share.

Yeah and to make Galante think that Ross was dead.

HANK: kill you, I retire on my government pension in two years.

Hey.

Where are they?

Freeze, Galante!

(GUN FIRING)

Hey! Go get her.

(GUN FIRING)

Hold it!

And we were worried about her?

(OFFICER CHATTERING ON RADIO)

You know, I can't thank you both enough.

Oh, it weren't nothing, ma'am.

I'll never forget you.

Bye. Bye.

You know,

there was a time when that much money would've filled this thing.

Where are the diamonds? Where's Ross?

Never mind that. Where's my truck?

Hello. A.J.: Hi.

I arranged for the FBI

to send me the white sheets on Ross and Dennison and here they are.

Oh, you are a wonder. You really are. Thank you.

Yeah. I am holding.

Fortunately, however, the case has been solved.

Oh, really? Did they find Ross?

No.

Well, did they find the diamonds?

Yeah, that's it.

What?

Oh, no.

Look, I...

No, never mind. That's okay.

My truck wasn't stolen. It was towed.

It's gonna cost me $135 to get it out of police impound.

Hey, wait a minute.

There's something here I don't understand.

According to the FBI,

Michael Dennison was never married.

Never ever.

Wait a minute. Let me see that.

Well, that's funny. Why would Laura say they were?

I don't know. Unless... Unless what?

You remember her comments at the eulogy?

I mean, that wasn't exactly what you'd

have expected from the grieving widow.

Okay. So she wasn't a widow. She was a girlfriend.

Well, then why did she say that he was her husband? Or her ex-husband?

Well, I have to admit, it was a little strange

the way she walked up there to the urn like she was praying.

I mean, she didn't seem that close. Uh-huh.

Wait a minute. That's it. What?

The urn. What about it?

Why cremation? Why a memorial service?

Why not just scatter the ashes at sea?

I don't know. Why? The urn!

What about the urn? That's where Mrs. Ross hid the diamonds!

She did? Yes, she did. Come on, let's go.

Okay. Oh, listen, Janet,

will you just look the door when you leave?

And enjoy your dinner, it's stir-fried squid.

Mr. Ross is resting peacefully, right down...

Oh, dear.

Yeah. Yeah. Tony Ross was here, all right. In the flesh.

This man here anytime within the last 24 hours?

No. We did receive a visit from the young lady

you gentlemen were with, though.

What? When?

Late this afternoon.

Did you show her in here?

Why, yes.

And left her in here all alone?

It's our custom to allow the bereaved to mourn in peace.

Is it your custom to let them walk out with the body?

Hey, Rick.

Ross and Laura are in this together.

No.

Rick, they not only set us up, they set Galante up.

No. They even set Mrs. Ross up.

All right. Where did Mrs. Ross say she was going?

Mexico City.

Let's go out to the airport. We'll check all the flights.

Yeah.

Thank you.

(WOMAN CHATTERING ON PA)

Let's get out of here.

RICK: There they go.

(GROANING)

Where are the diamonds?

I don't have them. She does.

Excuse me.

Pardon me, ma'am. Excuse me. Pardon me.

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

No!

The urn, give it to me. No!

Come on, Laura!

No!

Whatever your name is.

Who are you?

You're Ross' girlfriend, right?

No. I...

You didn't even know Michael Dennison.

Ross just used you to get rid of his wife!

You know, it's a shame. I really liked you.

That's too bad,

'cause you're gonna take the fall, lady.

Ashes to ashes,

dust to dust.

Yeah. And diamonds are a girl's best friend.

(PHONE RINGING)

JANET: Oh, hi, Rick, A.J.

Hello. Hello.

Well, hello.

Pick a hand. Either hand.

Pick a hand. All right. That one.

Well. Thank you.

Oh, Rick, they're beautiful! Thank you.

Pick a hand. Any hand.

You, too?

That one.

What are you...

Chocolates? I don't believe this.

What are you trying to do, get me fat?

Oh, well, if you don't want them...

Wait a minute. Give me those.

What is all this for?

Helping us out with the Ross/Dennison thing.

Just to say thank you.

You're welcome.

Yeah. If it hadn't been for you,

we never would have found out the truth.

So, yeah, thanks.

MYRON: Stick around.

I have some more truth for you.

Let me have that statement I just signed.

You know, I'm glad you stopped by.

You saved me 20 cents. Oh?

Here you go. What's this?

What's it look like? That's a bill for my services.

What... Your services?

Yeah. The fingerprints, the wirephotos, the white sheets.

They all came out of this office.

Hey, come on, Myron, Janet did that as a personal favor.

Janet works for me. Right, Janet?

Daddy, when's the last time you bought me flowers?

Or candy? Huh?

Let's go to lunch.

Good idea. Let's go to lunch. Okay.

Let's go to lunch. Where would you like to go?

There is this place I've been dying to go to.