All language subtitles for gua-simonsimon.1981.s01e08-1080p.eng

(PHONE RINGING)

WOMAN: Good
afternoon, County Morgue.

County Morgue. Hold
one moment, please.

Excuse me.

I'm supposed to deliver
this to a Dr. Medlow.

Through there. Thank you.

You new here?

Yeah. I just transferred
from over at County.

I like it better here,
you know. It's quieter.

Yeah. The patients
don't talk back.

Right.

Inflammation of the aortal...

I don't have time
today. Just stack that up.

But...

Don't argue with me. Just
wheel that thing into the freezer.

It's first come, first serve.

Doc, I can't do that.

I think I'll just report
you for insubordination.

What's your name? Rick
Simon. What's yours?

You don't know who I am?

No. How about you tell me?

I just happen to be the
deputy coroner, that's who.

Well, I knew that,
but what's your name?

Son, you're never
gonna forget my name

because I'm the man who's
gonna have you fired. Ah.

Just so you don't forget,
it's Dr. Robert Medlow.

Dr. Robert P. Medlow?

That's right.

Robert P. Medlow,
you've been served.

I thought you'd never get here.

The planes were stacked up.

I wish I could have
met you at the airport.

No, too risky. We can't
make him suspicious.

I just hope I can
go through with it.

You'll be fine. Really.

Can't you just
stay till it's over?

No. I've gotta go to LA
to set up the other end.

Hey, here's the picture.

Now all we need is some hungry
private detective to serve the papers.

I've got two names. I checked out their
credit. It's practically non-existent.

Perfect. What are their names?

Simpson, Sampson. I...

"Simon and Simon."

A.J.: We got another one.

RICK: I don't want another one.

I don't like serving
papers on people.

How come you're not driving?
It was your turn to drive.

Because I don't have any gas.

Well, why don't
you get some gas?

Because I don't have
any money to get any gas.

That's why we're
serving papers on people.

SYLVIA: These are the papers.

I'll show you a picture of Tony.

A divorce hearing. Yes.

He left a couple of months ago

for some young girl.

He must be crazy.

Thank you.

That was a few years ago.

Do you have an address on him?

No. But yesterday I saw him
go into the Hotel Montreaux.

Maybe he's staying there.

Did you follow him inside?

No.

How do you know
he didn't just go

to the restaurant or
the bar or something?

Well, I saw him
go into an elevator

and then when I
inquired at the desk,

they said he wasn't
registered there.

I thought you said
you didn't go in.

Well, I did go in.

I just thought that...

Well, you know, that you
meant that I went up to his room.

How much do you charge?

Well, this is really more
like a missing persons case

than a simple process serving,

so we'd have to charge
our investigative rate.

Oh, fine. Fine.

That's $300 a day.

Right.

Oh, I seem to have
misplaced my checkbook.

Do you accept cash?

Oh, yes.

Gas money.

I'm sorry, sir.

We can't give out that kind of
information about our guests.

Just a second here.

See, I don't think
you quite understand.

This is a bribe.

Oh. Oh, I understand, sir.

I don't take bribes.

I'm a management trainee.

I thought my friend might have
bought something here and signed for it.

What's his name?

Well, that's the problem.

You see, I don't think he was using
his name, if you know what I mean.

No. I've never
heard of such a thing.

Here's his picture.

I couldn't take your money.

Just a minute.

Five-to-one she comes back

with his room number
and her phone number.

He did buy something here.

He's using the name
Michael Dennison.

He's in room 1101.

Oh, terrific. Thank
you very much.

You're welcome.

Excuse me. Excuse me!

How much is this?

That's $182.50.

Oh.

Excuse me.

Do you rent?

DENNISON: Yes, what is it?

Room service.

I didn't order any room service.

Compliments of
the hotel, Mr. Ross.

Well, what is all this?

Mr. Anthony Ross,
you are the recipient

of this lovely fruit basket

and this lovely subpoena.

What are you talking
about? I'm not Anthony Ross.

My name is Michael
Dennison. Here you go.

Is this or is this not you?

Well, yes, it's me, but...

In that case, Mr. Anthony Ross,

you have been officially served.

No, really. I am Michael
Dennison. Yeah, right.

Hey, hey! You're
making a mistake.

You'll be all right,
fine. Thank you.

Thank you very much.
Oh, you're welcome.

I'll be seeing you.

Bye. Bye-bye.

You know, there was something
about the expression on that guy's face.

Did you notice that?

I guess not. Just drop me
off at the Power Wagon.

I'll gas it up.

MAN: Please...

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Oh, my God.

(SIREN WAILING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Anybody know who he is, or was?

Yeah. His name is
Ross. Anthony Ross.

We just left him upstairs.

That is it. No more
subpoenas. No more divorces.

No more repos. I don't care if we starve.
What do you propose we do for a living?

I don't care what
we do for a living!

I'm not thrilled
about this either.

I don't wanna do this
anymore. I don't wanna starve.

Would you please stop this?

No, wait a minute.
Look at this. Look at this.

We made the big time, didn't we?

"Private detectives
Richard and Andrew Simon

"identified the jumper
as Anthony Ross,

"although he was
registered at the hotel

"under the alias
Michael Dennison."

Look at that. Front
page! We made it!

Rick. Rick.

What?

Don't blame yourself.

(DOOR OPENING)

Richard and Andrew Simon?

I'm A.J., he's Rick, this is
Janet Fowler. Who are you?

I'm Laura Steubens and
I demand an explanation.

Of what?

Of why you identified my
husband as Anthony Ross.

Oh. And now you act like you
don't know what I'm talking about.

Ma'am, maybe that's because we
don't know what you're talking about.

My husband, actually my ex,

called me from Hong Kong

and wanted me to fly in
from Des Moines where I live

and meet him in San
Diego at the Montreaux

for a reconciliation.

Well, at first I said no.

And then I thought about it

and I decided to fly
in, for old times' sake.

(SOBBING) And
when I got to the hotel...

Here you go.

Thank you.

And it says that you identified
the body as Anthony Ross.

Mrs. Steubens, wait a second.

You think that the man
who died is your husband?

Mmm.

A.J.: Is this him?

(LAURA SNIFFLING)

(CRYING)

That's a yes.

Mrs. Steubens, what was
Mr. Steubens' first name?

His name isn't Steubens.
That's my maiden name.

I went back to it
after we separated.

My husband's named
Michael Dennison.

Oh, yeah.

WOMAN ON PA: Flight 489 is
now ready for boarding at gate 33,

All passengers traveling
with small children

or children traveling alone under the
age of nine who may need assistance,

please come to the gate at
the left of the check-in area.

Gerald DePago, please pick
up the white courtesy telephone.

Gerald DePago, please pick
up the white courtesy telephone.

Will the owner of a red Ferrari

parked outside the terminal,

please move it
or it will be towed.

LAZENBY: Yes,
indeed, Mr. Ross is here.

May we see him?

You may come to the memorial
service this evening at 7:00.

But I'm afraid it will be
impossible to view the body.

Why?

Because at this very
moment it's being cremated.

If you'd like to pay a
condolence call on the widow,

she'll be here for the
memorial service at 7:00.

I can't wait till 7:00.

Dead.

JANET: Hi, A.J.

Hi.

What's the matter?

Well, it's not me,
really. It's Rick. It's...

It's this Ross/Dennison
thing. It's really got him down.

Well, didn't Miss Steubens identify
the body one way or the other?

No, we were too late.

They'd already cremated
him, there was no way to tell.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Well...

There might be a way to tell.

How?

Well, the coroner took
fingerprints off the body.

Now if I called the FBI,

they might have print IDs
on Ross and Dennison,

I could see which
set of prints matched.

Good. Why don't you do that?

Because the FBI doesn't like me.

What?

They don't like... Well, it
it's not me, really. It's Rick.

They sort of don't like
Rick. I don't know why.

I know why. Because in 1976

he handcuffed
himself to the front door

of the Veterans'
Administration. That's why.

Well, I'll tell you what.

How about if I call
the FBI for you?

MYRON: What?

Daddy, Rick's really
down about this.

Send him some flowers.

(PHONE RINGING)

WOMAN: Good afternoon.
Peerless Detectives.

One moment, please.

(ORGAN PLAYING)

No sign of Mrs. Ross.

Did you really expect her?

I was hoping.

Is... Is that the...
Yeah, I think so.

Mr. Lazenby.

Good evening. And
my condolences.

Is it Mr. Lazenby or
Reverend Lazenby?

Yes.

I graduated from Saving
Grace Bible College.

Correspondence division.

Their slogan is, "God is
as close as your mailbox."

I'd better begin.

We are gathered here to remember

friend, husband
and good citizen,

Anthony Ross.

I wish he wouldn't
call him that.

Anthony was a businessman
prominent in the import and export field.

A born leader.

Michael was a born follower.

An expert skier and mountain
climber. Michael was a klutz.

He loved the outdoors.

Michael loved air-conditioning.

Anthony was taken from
us in his prime, a mere 41.

Michael was 33.

Deprived of his
three score and ten

by a grievous accident.

The Lord acts sometimes
in mysterious ways, indeed.

It wasn't the Lord.

And now, if you'll
turn to page 107

in your prayer books and rise.

(MUSIC PLAYING LOUDER)

"We commend to
almighty God, our brother,

"and we commit
his body to the crypt.

(CRYING)

"Earth to earth, ashes to ashes,

"dust to dust.

"The Lord bless
him and keep him.

"The Lord make his face to shine
upon him and be gracious unto him.

"The Lord lift up his countenance
upon him and give him peace."

Amen. Amen.

Amen.

Who was that?

I don't know.

Excuse me.

Hey, come here.

Let's assume that Laura's right

and it was her husband who was
killed and he was pushed, okay?

Now let's then assume that you're
Anthony Ross and you want somebody,

Mr. X, we'll call him, to
think that you're dead.

What do you do?

Well,

first I'd befriend Michael
Dennison... RICK: Mmm-hmm.

And I'd steal a photograph
of him out of his wallet...

Mmm-hmm.

And then I'd get my wife,

or somebody posing
as my wife... Right.

To hire two dumb
detectives... Bingo.

And set them up to
misidentify the corpse as me.

That's right. And the plan would
have gone off without a hitch

if Laura hadn't changed her mind

and decided to come to
town to surprise her husband.

Yep.

Go in peace.

I thought Mrs. Ross
was going to be here.

So did I.

Do you know how we
can get in touch with her?

She left her address on
Pacific Coast Highway.

Yeah, we've already been there.

How did she pay? Cash, I'll bet.

Yes. She'd misplaced
her checkbook.

Yeah. She does that a lot.

Is she going to pick up the urn?

No. It will be interred
in the morning.

She bought a niche in
our Eternal Ash Room.

Oh.

Well, thank you.

Well, good night.

You sure you won't come
get something to eat with us?

I mean, you
haven't eaten all day.

That's all right. I
really wanna be alone.

Okay.

I'll pick you up tomorrow.

Thanks. Yeah.

(SIGHING)

Tomorrow, you drive.

(CRASHING)

Help! Help!

Shut up. Just shut up!

Now, you can make this easy or
you can make this hard. It's up to you.

Please don't hurt me.

I just want the
stuff, Mrs. Ross.

Oh. Wait...

Your husband's
dead. You gotta have it.

I'm not Mrs. Ross.

Please don't play games with me.

No, you don't understand.
I'm really not Mrs. Ross.

I'm Laura Dennison. Honest.

Look. Look at my
driver's license.

I'm not falling for
any more tricks.

What were you doing at Ross'
funeral if you're not his wife?

Here. Look. Laura Dennison, see?

What are you pulling?

Doesn't say Dennison.
It says Steubens.

Oh, look, I can explain...

You better explain
where the stuff is hidden!

You got 10 seconds,
or I'm gonna...

Hey! Hey!

You all right?

Yeah.

Here. You wanna sit? Yeah.

He thought I was Mrs. Ross.

There's an epidemic.

I want to hire you to find out
what's going on around here.

And I'll pay you.

No, no. We've already been
paid and duped by Mrs. Ross.

Now you save your money.

And we're not gonna get off
of this case until we get even.

I lost him.

He thought she was Mrs. Ross.

Who is he?

Mr.

JANET: Laura, which one of
these two men is your husband?

LAURA: This one.

You agree with the FBI.
That's Michael Dennison.

What, they had a file on him?

Yes, they did. And they
had a file on Laura, too.

She was arrested for a
Vietnam protest in 1969.

It was great. 112 of us spent
the night in jail singing folk songs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, at least she didn't
handcuff herself to anything.

What about the other one?

This one is Anthony
Ross. He had three arrests.

Grand larceny,
extortion and smuggling,

but no convictions.

Does he have a wife?

JANET: You tell me.

Yep, that's her.
What's her real name?

Mrs. Sylvia Ross.

We better call the cops.

I already did.

Calm down? How do you
expect me to calm down?

Don't you understand
he knows you're not dead?

ROSS: Okay, so he knows.

But he doesn't know
where I am or where you are.

And he doesn't know where
the diamonds are, either.

Did you put them
where I told you?

Yes.

Then we go ahead with
the plan as scheduled.

Tony, I am going crazy,
sitting up here, all alone.

Why can't we just go to Mexico
City now? Why do we have to wait?

Because I don't know
a buyer in Mexico City.

Now just sit tight.

I'm trying to get this
over with as fast as I can.

As soon as I make the
arrangements, I'll call. All right?

Tony, I love you.

(DIAL TONE DRONING)

Well, we can talk
to Lazenby again.

Or we could go over and
check with Mrs. Ross' landlord.

Okay.

Hi, Mom.

Don't you two have
any respect for the dead?

Did I say something wrong?

Well, no.

Well, I bought you a new fern.

And it's time you buried
this, don't you think?

Maybe if you watered
your plants once in a while...

Mom, this is Laura.

Laura, this is our mom, Cecilia.

Hello, Laura. Nice to meet you.

Hello.

Are you two in
some kind of trouble?

No. Why? Yeah, why?

There's a gorilla outside,
casing the joint, that's why.

RICK: Yeah. That's him.

A.J.: Mr. X.

What are we gonna do?

Mom, can you do us a favor?

Do you want me to go
out there and find out...

Oh, no, no, no. No.

If you could just take
Laura out the back way

and over to your
place for a little while?

Oh, of course. Good.

Laura, you come to my place
for coffee and we'll talk girl-talk.

Mom.

I'm not sure what
girl-talk is anymore,

but in my day, when I was
young, it was boys, clothes

and I wonder where
the yellow went.

No, it's still boys, clothes
and waxy yellow build-up.

No. Let... Wait.

Let's not do anything rash.

We're just gonna lead him away.

All right?

You want some ice cream?

No. You want some?

Yeah. My treat.
What do you want?

For real? Yeah.

Ice cream bar... A.J.:
Whatever you got.

There you go. You
got change for a $50?

All I got.

Thanks, anyway.

Thank you. I'll
get the next one.

Uh-huh.

He following us?

Oh, yeah. Oh, good.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

RICK: Uh-oh.

A.J.: Don't tell me.

Okay. Don't tell me!

I'm not telling you.
You didn't get gas!

I didn't tell you. Why
didn't you get gas?

Because I forgot, okay?

No, it's not okay. We've lost the
advantage. We're sitting ducks now!

Well, let's stop sitting.

A.J.: Hey, hey, police!

(WHISTLING) Hey!

Hey, let us in!

Hey, listen now,
you guys. Stop that!

There's a man
chasing us with a gun!

Call a cop.

We are. You.

I'm a police mechanic.
Can't you read?

RICK: Read what?
Oh, hey, come on.

Hey, where are you
going? Don't... Hey!

Hold it!

Turn around.

Hold it! Back up away from him.

Hands on top of
your head. Get back!

You okay?

Yeah.

You two are in a
whole lot of trouble.

That's funny. It doesn't look to
me like we're the ones in trouble.

HANK: Yeah? Yeah.

Just take my wallet
out of my jacket.

If he moves, shoot him.

Be glad to.

A Fed?

Oh, jeez.

I'm Hank Galante, an agent
of the US Customs Service.

Hank, we gotta
stop meeting like this.

The furniture had gone
back to the rental place.

Car's gone back.

She paid cash for everything.

Including us.

Yeah, telephone
was disconnected.

We tried checking with
the phone company.

She only made local phone calls.

Scout's honor.

All right, let me
ask you something.

If you're not Ross' accomplices,

why'd you hit me at the hotel
room when I went for my badge?

'Cause I thought you
were going for a gun.

Hey, we didn't know
you were a Fed.

Okay, okay. I guess
I believe you for now.

Well, good.

Well, then you tell us,
what is this all about?

Ross stole two million dollars
worth of diamonds in Hong Kong

from a courier delivering
them to the Taiwan government.

Customs picked up
his trail in Honolulu

when he brought them
back into the country.

I was assigned to
follow him to the buyer,

but I lost him in San Francisco.

And then I followed
the lead to San Diego.

Then I read in the paper
where he killed himself.

The next day, it
said it wasn't him.

That's what's going on.

You know, we've been
puppets during all this.

And Ross had been
pulling the strings.

Just wait till I get
my hands on him.

Your mother's really nice.

Yeah. Sometimes I wonder
why she puts up with us.

(SHUSHING)

Yes, sir. Simon. Right.

Galante here yet?

Are you sure this guy is
really a customs agent?

Well, that's what he's
trying to find out now.

And that is his assignment?

Yes.

Right. Anything
he wants. We will.

Okay. Thank you.

Well, Galante is
who he says he is.

He's been a customs
agent for 18 years.

His record is impeccable.

Until now.

What do you mean?

There's just something personal
going on between him and Ross.

(DOOR OPENING)

You come up with anything?

Not a thing. How about you?

We had a crummy break.

One of our men in the Los
Angeles diamond mart spotted Ross

and he followed
him back to his hotel.

But by the time we could get
a team there, he'd checked out.

Well, who'd he call?

How do I know who he called?

Wouldn't it help to find out?

We already checked Mrs.
Ross' phone calls. So did you.

They're too smart to
leave traces like that.

No. She knew not to call Ross.

But he didn't have to
take the same precautions

because his
location was a secret.

I like that. That's very good.

You know you guys
are good? I'm serious.

RICK: The scenery's terrific,

but do you think
we'll get there today?

HANK: Hey, I don't wanna
miss the turnoff, okay?

Besides, we're not even
sure this is the place.

A.J.: It has to be. It's the only
number Ross called repeatedly.

And I'll bet Mrs. Ross is just
sitting up there, waiting for him.

RICK: Of course, we're in
no hurry now, are we, Hank?

Look, you guys are lucky
I'm letting you come along.

Are you kidding?
If it weren't for us,

you'd still be back in town
playing with your decoder ring.

I gotta go to the john.

Why don't you two go inside and get a
six-pack of beer and a bunch of candy bars?

With what?

I think I better
wait in the car.

No, no, no, no. Let's
do what the man says.

Okay.

Well.

LAURA: I'm sorry I'm
late, I got stuck in traffic.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Oh, no. You didn't,
by any chance,

just happen to put some
gas in here, just by accident?

No. Nobody told me to.

Well, at least we know
how far a gallon will take us.

All right, Mrs. Ross.
The game's finally over.

Galante?

You know my name? We never met.

I saw you with my
husband in Hong Kong.

SYLVIA: I didn't wanna do this.

He insisted on
double-crossing you.

Honest. I didn't wanna do it.

You know, for someone who didn't
want to, you sure were good at it.

Where are the diamonds?
I want them now.

Look, we can make a deal.

You can have more than a third,

you can have half.
Dennison's share.

You can even go to
Mexico City with us.

Here's the deal. You see,
you take me to the diamonds,

I get them all and you
stay alive. That's the deal.

I can't do that.
Tony would kill me.

You know, you should've thought
of that before you killed Dennison.

Now you got no choice.
Where's the stuff?

She killed Michael?

To get his share.

Yeah and to make Galante
think that Ross was dead.

HANK: kill you, I retire on my
government pension in two years.

Hey.

Where are they?

Freeze, Galante!

(GUN FIRING)

Hey! Go get her.

(GUN FIRING)

Hold it!

And we were worried about her?

(OFFICER CHATTERING ON RADIO)

You know, I can't
thank you both enough.

Oh, it weren't nothing, ma'am.

I'll never forget you.

Bye. Bye.

You know,

there was a time when that much
money would've filled this thing.

Where are the
diamonds? Where's Ross?

Never mind that.
Where's my truck?

Hello. A.J.: Hi.

I arranged for the FBI

to send me the white sheets on
Ross and Dennison and here they are.

Oh, you are a wonder.
You really are. Thank you.

Yeah. I am holding.

Fortunately, however,
the case has been solved.

Oh, really? Did they find Ross?

No.

Well, did they
find the diamonds?

Yeah, that's it.

What?

Oh, no.

Look, I...

No, never mind. That's okay.

My truck wasn't
stolen. It was towed.

It's gonna cost me $135 to
get it out of police impound.

Hey, wait a minute.

There's something
here I don't understand.

According to the FBI,

Michael Dennison
was never married.

Never ever.

Wait a minute. Let me see that.

Well, that's funny. Why
would Laura say they were?

I don't know.
Unless... Unless what?

You remember her
comments at the eulogy?

I mean, that wasn't
exactly what you'd

have expected from
the grieving widow.

Okay. So she wasn't a
widow. She was a girlfriend.

Well, then why did she say that he
was her husband? Or her ex-husband?

Well, I have to admit,
it was a little strange

the way she walked up there
to the urn like she was praying.

I mean, she didn't
seem that close. Uh-huh.

Wait a minute. That's it. What?

The urn. What about it?

Why cremation? Why
a memorial service?

Why not just scatter
the ashes at sea?

I don't know. Why? The urn!

What about the urn? That's
where Mrs. Ross hid the diamonds!

She did? Yes, she
did. Come on, let's go.

Okay. Oh, listen, Janet,

will you just look the
door when you leave?

And enjoy your dinner,
it's stir-fried squid.

Mr. Ross is resting
peacefully, right down...

Oh, dear.

Yeah. Yeah. Tony Ross
was here, all right. In the flesh.

This man here anytime
within the last 24 hours?

No. We did receive a
visit from the young lady

you gentlemen were with, though.

What? When?

Late this afternoon.

Did you show her in here?

Why, yes.

And left her in here all alone?

It's our custom to allow the
bereaved to mourn in peace.

Is it your custom to let
them walk out with the body?

Hey, Rick.

Ross and Laura
are in this together.

No.

Rick, they not only set
us up, they set Galante up.

No. They even set Mrs. Ross up.

All right. Where did Mrs.
Ross say she was going?

Mexico City.

Let's go out to the airport.
We'll check all the flights.

Yeah.

Thank you.

(WOMAN CHATTERING ON PA)

Let's get out of here.

RICK: There they go.

(GROANING)

Where are the diamonds?

I don't have them. She does.

Excuse me.

Pardon me, ma'am.
Excuse me. Pardon me.

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

No!

The urn, give it to me. No!

Come on, Laura!

No!

Whatever your name is.

Who are you?

You're Ross' girlfriend, right?

No. I...

You didn't even know
Michael Dennison.

Ross just used you
to get rid of his wife!

You know, it's a
shame. I really liked you.

That's too bad,

'cause you're gonna
take the fall, lady.

Ashes to ashes,

dust to dust.

Yeah. And diamonds
are a girl's best friend.

(PHONE RINGING)

JANET: Oh, hi, Rick, A.J.

Hello. Hello.

Well, hello.

Pick a hand. Either hand.

Pick a hand. All
right. That one.

Well. Thank you.

Oh, Rick, they're
beautiful! Thank you.

Pick a hand. Any hand.

You, too?

That one.

What are you...

Chocolates? I
don't believe this.

What are you trying
to do, get me fat?

Oh, well, if you
don't want them...

Wait a minute. Give me those.

What is all this for?

Helping us out with the
Ross/Dennison thing.

Just to say thank you.

You're welcome.

Yeah. If it hadn't been for you,

we never would have
found out the truth.

So, yeah, thanks.

MYRON: Stick around.

I have some more truth for you.

Let me have that
statement I just signed.

You know, I'm glad
you stopped by.

You saved me 20 cents. Oh?

Here you go. What's this?

What's it look like? That's
a bill for my services.

What... Your services?

Yeah. The fingerprints, the
wirephotos, the white sheets.

They all came
out of this office.

Hey, come on, Myron, Janet
did that as a personal favor.

Janet works for
me. Right, Janet?

Daddy, when's the last
time you bought me flowers?

Or candy? Huh?

Let's go to lunch.

Good idea. Let's
go to lunch. Okay.

Let's go to lunch. Where
would you like to go?

There is this place
I've been dying to go to.