Original subtitles

# We're going over the country and into the Highlands

# To look for a home

# We're leaving nothing behind us

# And no-one will find us... #

Oh, hi, Colin. Hey! You found us all right, then?

Woohoo! Hi, Cath. Hi, Colin. Hi, Cathy. Oh, Beth!

I am so glad to see you! Give us a hug.

Oh, are we meant to?

Oh, bugger it, it's Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Christine!

All the best. Oh! Yeah, rules are rules, Eric.

Right, aye.

So, what do you think, then, Eric, eh? Oh, aye.

I mean, you're right out in the middle of nowhere here, eh?

Must be a fair old walk to the pub.

Two hours 35, if you cut straight through the fields.

Isn't this lovely, Christine?

Aye, very nice.

Is it a septic tank you've got, Colin, are you on the network?

We're just glad you could make it.

Oh, no, listen, thanks for inviting us.

I mean, any excuse to get up into the Highlands.

This is the true Scotland, Eric.

You know, the hills, the glens, the lochs and, see,

because we're so far from anyone else, no neighbours to bother us.

This is beautiful!

Thanks, Beth. We were actually supposed to be going to Dubai,

but...Aye, you don't

know where you are with foreign holidays at the minute, Cath.

Everything's up in the air.

Aye, except for the planes.

It's the same with the coaches.

I think it's going to be 2022 before me

and Pat get to experience the wonders of Windermere.

I don't know what all the fuss is about.

I would quite happily stay in Scotland for my holidays every year.

Oh, aye. I tell you, you've got everything.

You've got hill climbing, fishing, mountain bikes.

Oh, there's even canoes you can hire.

Oh, great!

So, what have you been up to?

Just sitting in here, watching the telly.

And what about Christmas Day? I bet that was lovely up here.

Oh, aye, it was, it was.

Oh, it was brilliant, Beth, it was absolutely amazing.

Listen, let me take you up and show you your rooms, eh?

I could get used to this.

Two nights, Eric, max.

Oh, before I forget, um...

I brought you these.

Oh!

Oh. I made meringues.

I thought we could have them as a dessert, or just with a cup of tea.

Thank you, Beth.

Col. Right, come on, I'll show you up.

Come on.What do you do with your yolks, Beth?

Um, I'm thinking a lemon curd.

That beats your jams any day.

Right, this is you in here, Christine.

Oh, aye, not bad.

This OK for you?

Hang on a minute.

Wait till I get a go at this bed. Ah!

Right. Try that.

SHE GRUNTS

That's... Oh!

Oh! All right?

Silent Night, medium firm with a single air memory-foam topper.

All right for a couple of nights.

Ah!

And here we are!

Oh, my, look at this!

This is bigger than ours at home.

Aye, well, it's not crammed with junk.

Oh! Look at the view out of this window, Beth!

Oh, wow, amazing!

There's a wee en suite in here too for you.

Oh, right.

Cathy's asked if you could do all your sit-downs in there,

if you don't mind, Eric.

Er... Beth, you can go wherever.

It's lovely to be away.

Aye, we've been cooped up all year.

Now I know how Nelson Mandela must've felt.

To be fair, he maybe had it a bit worse.

That was before Freeview.

Can you imagine sitting there all those years with just

the four channels?

So what did you guys do for Christmas, then?

It was quite quiet.

No Ian this year. Oh, good.

We had quite a nice time.

Just the two of us.

So did we, Eric, didn't we, Col?

Aye, it was brilliant. What about you, Christine?

Were you not round at theirs on Christmas Day?

No. I didn't do Christmas this year, Colin.

What, not at all? No turkey nor nothing?No.

Out of respect for all of those that have had to go without this year.

Plus, I'm still working my way through all that pasta

I got delivered in March.

Anyway, let's get a nice drink on the go.

What's everybody having?

Well, actually, Cathy, we were thinking of going for a walk.

A walk? Aye. You've only just got here.

Yeah, but we want to see a bit of the place.

I mean, you've got the Highlands on your doorstep.

Aye, folk come from all over the world to go walking here.

What, are you wanting to go too?

Not with this knee, no.

Do your walk tomorrow.

Well, we were thinking of doing a hill tomorrow.

A...a what? A hill.

We passed one that was in the shape of a woman's breast,

didn't we, Beth?

Well, you thought so, yes.

And you never know what you're going to see up there and all.

I mean, the wildlife is incredible.

Yeah. It is, Eric.

I mean, I seen a buzzard the other day.

Oh, did you, whereabouts?

Just round at the bins.

Aye, aye, there's all sorts of birds up here, and there's deer,

there's red squirrels.

All right, Eric! We're not on fucking Springwatch.

Maybe just the one, Eric, eh?

Er...

Well, we can't go until Ian and Gordon get here anyway, so...

Oh, well, all right, then. Just the one.

We also passed a cow getting done from behind, Cath.

Hey!

Howdy doody?

Hi, Colin. Hello.

Thanks for inviting us.

Always good to see you boys.

Some place, this.

Four bedrooms.

Yours has got bunk beds so you'll need to toss a wee coin,

see who wants to go top and who wants to go bottom.

Or, actually,

you've probably already got an agreed policy on that.

You see, I always thought that you...

Look, why don't you just come in anyway, eh?

Here we go!

Hi, everyone!ALL: Hi!

Welcome to our Highland holiday home.

Thanks, Cathy. Merry Christmas, Mum.

Oh, merry Christmas! It's so good to see you!

ERIC: Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Gordon.

M-Merry Christmas, Christine, nice to see you.

Oh, I'm not celebrating it this year, Gordon.

Really?No. No tree, no turkey, no presents.

Ah, that's a shame. We brought you a little gift.

What is it? It's just a tin of biscuits.

Aye, I'll take them.

And here's a wee something for you guys too.

Thanks for having us up.

Oh, thanks, Ian, that's very thoughtful of you.

Oh, thanks, boys, that's nice, you didn't need to bother.

Ooh!

What...what is it?

It's a collection of stones and driftwood.

It's all from the beach near his mum and dad's house.

We weren't really sure what to get you.

No, that's... That's great!

I love sticks and stones, thank you.

And that's for you. Ooh, thank you! I wonder what it is!

Dead seagull, perhaps? Come on, then, open it up!

All right!

Oh! Oh, that is lovely!

You can use it as a throw or...

Or just as a wee blanket that you can put over you.

I've got one that I can put my arms in

but, unfortunately, it's got salad cream on it at the moment.

Anyway...

Well, that is lovely, thank you very much.

Aye, thanks, boys.

So, what did you get each other?

Well, we actually...

BOTH: We got engaged!

What?!Oh, my God!

Wow! That's fantastic!

When did this happen?

Er, Christmas Day.

Oh, that's great news!

That's tremendous.

We were going to phone and tell you,

but then I thought it might be a nice surprise.

Let me see the rings, let me see the rings!

Yeah, that's silver, Colin.

It's quite thin as well.

Have you told your mum and dad, Gordon?

Yeah, well, we were staying with them, so...

Oh, right.

Oh, that's a shame. All that going on down there

and you not even aware of it, Beth.

It's been the best Christmas ever, hasn't it?

They'll be in all the photos as well, his mum and dad.

Will you get married down there as well, will you, boys?

Don't do it on the fucking beach, eh?

We're not going to actually get married for a while yet.

15 max in the crematorium at the minute, Ian.

Depending on what tier we're in,

you might not even get to go at all, Beth.

Anyway, I'm delighted.

It's great news.

Best Christmas surprise ever, eh, Eric?

It's just great.

Well, I think this calls for some drinks, don't you?

Hold on, we were actually going to go for a walk.

Gordon and Ian aren't interested in walking outside, Eric, are you?

Well, actually, I brought my...

Unfortunately, I'm unable to go hillwalking,

Ian, on account of my toe.

I thought it was your knee?

Aye, well, that's bad as well.

Well, it seems a shame to come all this way, Cathy,

and not see a bit of the place, eh?

Well, let me give you a tour - hill that way,

a hill that way, massive cow shits in between.

Mm, did you get that out of the guide book, did you?

What's the point of coming up here if you're just going to sit inside?

Can you be arsed, Beth?

Well, let's have a vote.

Who wants to go out for a walk and who doesn't?

Hands up who wants to go out for a walk.

Beth, can we not just be together, please, inside?

And who doesn't want to go out for a walk?

Beth!

One, two, three, boom!

Fair's fair, Eric.

If you still want to stretch your legs, you can

go through to the kitchen and get me some ice.

Flybe, Peacocks...

Oh! ..Woolworths.

Woolworths closed down years ago.

Aye, but it's still sorely missed, Eric.

Mind you, they'd never have been able to operate a one-way system

round the pick and mix anyway, would they?

What did you have for your Christmas dinner?

Oh, it was amazing!

Gordon had this veggie thing and we had, like, this massive ham joint.

All right, Gordon? Are you ready for a boogie yet?

I'm OK just now. OK, honey.

Ready to rock when you are.

And there were different puddings and cheeses and... Oh, wow!

It was great, but I think I've put on about 4st.

Oh, it's ridiculous at Christmas, though.

Folk buying all this food that they don't need

and then stuffing their faces.

But I didnae bother - I just made do with a wee carry-out.

Oh, aye, what did you get?

KFC family bucket.

Did you spend Christmas Day up here?

Yes, we did, Gordon.

Oh, that sounds really romantic.

It was, Gordon.

It was.

I actually bought Colin a pair of pants with mistletoe on the flap.

I'll tell you who's made a bomb out it, Eric - Dettol.

Aye?

Oh, those wipes were like gold dust in March, remember?

We had to put the back seats down when we found that shop in Dumfries

that still had them, Beth. Mm.

Do you never fancy going away at Christmas, Mrs Baird?

Oh, honestly, Gordon, you can

call me Beth now that you're going to be part of the family.

Oh! Good old Beth! Bish-bash-Beth!

Well, OK, do you never fancy going away for Christmas, BETH?

ALL: Ooh!

Well, actually, I prefer to stay at home at Christmas,

to be honest, Gordon.

You know, get my wee decorations up,

some nice stuff in to eat, get the telly on.

Oh, Christ! There's been nothing but bloody repeats all year.

Aye, there's been tonnes of the old stuff back on.

I'm half expecting to switch it on

and find Muffin the fucking Mule reading the news.

Mind you, they've been showing some classics, Christine.

What was it I watching the other night? Only Fools And Horses.

Oh, aye, that's great.

You plonker, Rodney!

THEY LAUGH

Plonker! You plonker, Eric!

What was that couple that I really hated? You know, the really, um...

Boycie and Marlene.

Boycie and Marlene.

Oh, aye, they were a nightmare.

Do you remember them, Eric? Aye, I do.

What was it we were watching the other night?

It was... Oh, aye, it was the, um...

It was The Two Ronnies Christmas Special.

Oh, The Two Ronnies, eh? It's a goodnight from me.

And it's a goodnight from him.

ALL: Goodnight!

That was just like them.

I'll tell you who did a good Christmas special - Val Doonican.

Aye, aye, he did. Aye, aye.

Aye, that's right. Who's Val Doonican?

Who cares?

He was a very popular family entertainer, Ian.

Always wore lovely cardigans and matching slacks

and sat in a big rocking chair.

Are you sure this was on the telly?

Yeah.Oh, aye.

You remember Delaney's Donkey? Eh?

Remember? He had a big hit with a song about the donkey.

It was, um...

# Now, Delaney had a donkey that everyone admired

# Temporarily lazy... #

That's it. That's it.

# ..And permanently tired

# With a leg at every corner

# Balancing his head

# And a tail to let you know which end he wanted to be fed! #

Ha-ha, that was great!

# ..Riley slyly said you've underrated it

# Why not train him? Then they took a rag

# Well, they rubbed it, scrubbed it

# Oiled and embrocated it

# Took it to the post and then the starter lowered the flag

# There was Riley, pushin' it Shovin' it, shushin' it

# Hogan, Logan, everyone in town

# They were lined up, attackin' it Smashin' it, bashin' it

# Hittin' it, kickin' it Bootin' it, headin' it, kickin' it,

# Draggin' it, whippin' it

# That's it, donkey Move your bastard arse! #

Ha-ha-ha!

I mean, you wouldnae get away with it these days, would you?

I mean, the animal cruelty would just take it off you.

The one we were watching down at my mum and dad's

was Morecambe And Wise.

Oh, now, they were the best!

I mean, the whole country used to watch their Christmas special.

Yeah. I didn't.

Aye, that was proper Christmas telly, Eric,

not like the shite they've got on now.

I'll tell you, the best one was the conductor...

It was Andre Previn.

That's it. That was the one we watched.

I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.

God, that's fantastic!

He's good at impressions.

I'll give you that, sunshine.

That's great, Gordon!

So was he from Yorkshire as well?

No, he was from Morecambe.

What are the chances of that, eh?

Right, anyway...

Can you do anybody else, Gordon?

Well, er...

You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!

Michael Caine. Michael Caine. That is good!

Right, OK, that's enough of that.

Who would like a drink?

Right, that's enough of that. Who would like a drink?

THEY LAUGH

Spot on!

That's good! Do her again.

Aye, go on, go on. Do it again!

OK, um...

Right, hands up who wants to go for a walk

in the beautiful Scottish Highlands.

Hands up who wants to stay. Let's stay inside and have a drink!

Fantastic!

Ho-ho! Ooh! Ooh!

My name's... My name's...

..Gordon, and I'm really, really boring.

Boring, boring, boring, that's me!

Oh, look, look, there's a stick! Let's pick it up

and give it to someone as a Christmas present. Cathy.

Oh, look, I've just got engaged! Look at my cheap silver ring.

It's almost as thin and boring as I am!

Right, Cathy, that'll do, eh?

Oh, can I call you Beth, Mrs Baird? Hello, Beth Baird!

Cathy, that is enough.

Apologise to Gordon right now.

Oh, shut up, Beth!

Hey! Come on, it's all right, Eric.

We're just having a wee laugh.

Can you do Frank Spencer, Gordon?

It's not funny, Colin, taking it too far.

This always happens - you have too much to drink, Cathy,

and then you just take it too far.

Look, it's OK.

No, it's not OK.

She's right - you always do this, Cathy.

Oh, it's called fun, Ian.

Ever heard of that?

Aye, but, Cathy, you overdo it.

Do I, Ian? Do I?

What was his wife called again?

Was it Betty?

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Colin, do I overdo it, hm?

Colin?

Well, maybe sometimes.

What?

Well... When?

Christmas Eve!

I had a few drinks on Christmas Eve, who doesn't?

Aye, but you missed Christmas Day.

You slept through the whole thing, and I was sat here on my own.

I had to eat a wee individual lasagne for my Christmas dinner.

OK, that's OK. I see what's happening here. That's all right.

It's Christmas, so everybody gang up on Cathy. That's fine.

I'm just going to sit down here and keep quiet.

OK? Sh! Sh!

Is that OK with everyone?

Not got a KFC up here, Colin, no?

So, what are your mum and dad doing on New Year's Eve, Gordon?

Oh, pretty quiet.

Oh, are they not allowed to drink either?

And what are you boys getting up to, any plans?

Just going round to Morven and Lynn's. Ah!

That'll be nice.

Maybe you should go before it starts, Beth, then you can

mark a line in the bottle so you know how much everyone's having.

What about you, Christine, you doing anything?

Oh, same as Christmas, Gordon, just myself.

Oh, you're welcome to come into ours if you want.

Oh, yeah, Christine, go on, see in the bells with a nice cup of water.

Cathy, come on, this is ridiculous.

Oh, is that what it is? Oh, sorry, Beth.

God! I'm sorry, everyone, I'm being ridiculous.

I'm sorry, Gordon.

I'm sorry, Ian.

Sorry, Eric. Sorry, Christine.

Sorry, Beth.

Look, Cath, I think what Beth was meaning was,

not that you shouldnae have a drink, just go a bit easy.

Oh, is that what it was? She wants me to go easy?

That's no problem.

I can go easy.

Look, look, Beth, Beth!

Here I go.

Little sip at a time.

Is that OK, Beth? Look, look, here I go.

Ooh!

That was too much. Maybe I should spit some back in.

I'm going to clear some of this stuff away, give us a bit of room.

A lot of people were drinking far too much

during that lockdown, Gordon.

It's the bulk buying, isn't it?

Yeah. Do you know, I saw two women fighting over a box of wine

outside Asda in Govan?

Did you?

I already had four in my trolley, so I got out of there quick.

Right. What was all that about?

What?

We said we weren't going to tell anyone about Christmas Day.

I'm sorry, it's...

Now they think we've had a shit Christmas and it's all my fault.

Look, all I said was it was a bit disappointing coming all the way

up here and then ending up spending it by myself on Christmas Day.

You go out there and you say that you've had a brilliant time.

What? You go back out there, you say you've enjoyed your Christmas,

you've had a brilliant time

and it was an amazing idea to come, OK?

But... Go!

Beth brought home-made meringues, Gordon.

Oh, did you? I just thought it'd be a nice thing to... Anyway...

Are you a fan of meringue, Gordon?

Mm, yeah.Oh, aye.

See, that with a big mug of tea, loaded up with double cream,

never mind away in a manger,

you'll be away in fucking dreamland once you've had one of them!

Listen, what a night, eh?

I am thoroughly enjoying myself.

You all right, Christine?Aye.

OK, Eric? Beth, my darling.

Eh? And not forgetting you boys.

Congratulations again, brilliant news.

You know, I hope you actually go ahead with it.

Hi, everyone. Hi, Beth.

Look, same drink.

So what's the chat, everyone, eh?

What's the Christmas chat?

Er...

Nothing. I mean...

Not much, Colin, no.

Home baking.

Yeah, Christine and I were just talking about

people taking up home baking.

Oh, Bake Off! Anybody watch that?

Here, Gordon, I'll give you my handshake.

Don't worry - I've sanitised them.

So did you try making anything during the lockdown?

Not as such, Gordon, you know...

But I'll tell you what I did eat recently that

I thoroughly enjoyed...

..was lasagne.

See that wee lasagne I had for my Christmas dinner...

..with a cold tin of sweetcorn?

My God, that was good!

I actually... I wouldn't go back to turkey, Gordon.

Nope, nah.

It's lasagne!

That just...just makes Christmas.

Here, this is making me hungry! Anybody else peckish?

Are you hungry, aye? Well, listen.

There's a whole load of stuff back there

that we brought up for Christmas that's never been touched.

Oh, no. I'm not ready for all that, but I would take a wee meringue,

if it was going.

That OK, Beth?

It's fine with me, it's really up to Cathy.

Up to me? Oh, no, you tell me, boss!

You're the boss - we just do what we're told.

I mean, you made the meringues, you brought them

all the way up here, so you decide when it's time to eat them.

Where are you going? For a walk!

DOOR SHUTS

Beth!

You all right?

SHE SIGHS

I've had enough, Eric, I really have.

I mean, why do we put up with it?

Oh, I don't know.

It's always the same.

She gets a few drinks inside her and starts going off on one,

he does absolutely nothing and we, we're just supposed to sit there,

suck it up and then say, "Thank you very much for having us."

Listen, Cathy and Colin, aye, they've got their faults,

but, at the end of the day, they didnae have to invite us up here.

I know she can be a bit much, but you know what?

See, if it came down it, they're our friends.

And see, at the minute, we all need friends.

We should probably go back inside.

Aye.

Still, at least we got out for a walk.

Ha! True.

How many miles do you reckon we've done?

Oh, I'd say at least ten.

Mm.

The view of the hills was smashing.

Oh, out of this world!

THEY CHUCKLE

All right?

Right, Cathy, this is silly.

We need to sort this out.

We're all up here to enjoy spending a bit of time together,

and the last thing I want to do is cause an atmosphere.

Look, I'm sorry if I offended you.

It's not up to me to tell you what you can and can't do

and how much you can have to drink.

I'm sorry.

It was really good of you to invite us here.

And we all want to enjoy ourselves.

So can we just forget about all this and have a good time?

Oh, Beth, I just want you to enjoy your Christmas too. Oh! Oh!

Right, come on, shall we get some drinks on the go?

Yeah!

Yes, Beth!

Shall we open that prosecco we brought?

Colin, go and get Beth and Eric's prosecco.

Is that the...? It's the Lidl one, yes.

So what are we going to do now, then?Well...

..I could sing Paddy McGinty's Goat. Do you remember that one?

Er...

# Now, Patrick McGinty An Irishman... #

Christine!

No.We could play a game.

When we were down at his mum and dad's, we had a Scrabble tournament.

Ooh!Ooh, Scrabble! I quite like that.

Remember, we played that, Beth, and I tried to spell catheter with a K?

I do. Yeah.

Cathy, fancy a game of Scrabble?

Maybe tomorrow, then. Right, here we go!

Oh, yes! Ha-ha!

Come on, Eric, give me a hand with these glasses here. Sure.

Right, that's us.

Now, listen, it's good to see yous.

Thank you. And thanks for coming up. Here.

Cheers.All the best.

Thanks, Dad.

What's the plans, what are we doing?

We could put the telly on for a bit,

just while we're having our drinks.

We could maybe even have a wee meringue as well.

Ooh!

Ha-ha!

Great idea.

Right, Cath, stick the telly on.

CAPTAIN MAINWARING: You stupid boy. Look at my hat.

There you go.

Dad's Army, eh, Christine?

Oh, Christ, that's been going on a loop for years, that.

Don't panic, don't panic, Mr Mainwaring!

Oh, leave this on! Here we go! I love this.

Aled Jones, eh?

Aye, Aled Jones.

# We're walking in the air... #

A lovely voice!

Till the balls dropped.

# ..The people far below are sleeping as we fly

# I'm holding very tight... #

That give you a bit of the Christmas spirit, eh, Christine?

Aye.

It's still another fucking repeat, though, isn't it?

# There was Riley, pushin' it Shovin' it, shushin' it

# Hogan, Logan and Mary Ann MacGraw

# She started pokin' it and grabbin' it and chokin' it

# It kicked her in the bustle and it laughed, hee-hah!

# The Whigs and Conservatives The radical superlatives

# Liberals and Tories They hurried to the place

# Stood there in unity Helpin' the community

# The day Delaney's donkey ran the half-mile race. #