Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

How are you doing, Colin? Hi, Anne-Marie. All right, squire?

Hi, Eric. Beautiful day, isn't it? Oh, it is, aye.

I've had two loads of whites out in that whirly already.

Doesn't get much better than that, eh?

Aye, aye. In you come.

Hello, Anne-Marie. Hi, Colin.

Hi, Beth. Hi, Beth. How are ya?

Good thanks. Beautiful day.

Gorgeous, Beth.

I was just saying to Eric,

I've had two washings out already today.

It is days like this that makes you question the need

for a tumble dryer altogether, isn't it?

Mm, I suppose so.

Sit yourselves down.

Well, actually, I was thinking we could go and sit out the back.

Well, I suppose we could do that, aye.

Aye. Why not take advantage of this weather while we've got it?

Well, come on out to the garden.

If it's the white plastic furniture, wait till she wipes it down before you sit in it. OK.

Aw, I like your clothesline there Beth.

Oh, yes, right, uh-huh.

Can it take the weight of wet towels or does it need a pole?

Em...

Well, we've got a pole there if we need it.

Aha, OK.

The slabs are looking all right there, Eric.

Had a cheeky wee power wash, have they?

Nah, just did them with a hose.

Right.

If you want a wee shot at the Karcher gimme the nod.

It's a powerful machine.

I used it on the bird shite on the top of the car and it just destroyed it.

Cos his car sits under a tree, they just treat it like a toilet, Beth.

Ah, well, anyway,

grab a seat.

Now, what are we on? Tea? Coffee?

Or would you like a cold drink?

Aye, OK, um, maybe a...maybe a cold drink.

Actually, I tell you what I could do us.

I've been looking up summer cocktails in my magazine.

Do you fancy one of those?

Oh, now you're talking, Beth. Ooh, I feel like I'm on my holidays.

Can you imagine,

paying money for a holiday

and ending up somewhere like this? You'd be raging.

That happened to me. Turkey.

Looked lovely in the brochure, then when we got there the place was a dump.

Jackson was only a wee boy. He said to me,

"Mummy, why were you shouting at that man?"

I said, "Cos he's a lying bastard

"and you're no putting one foot in that pool."

I'll go and get the drinks.

So, how's things?

We're good, Eric, aye.

We're...we're doing all right, aren't we?

We are.

We've got a nice wee routine going, haven't we?

Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday I'm here

and then the other nights I'm at my own place.

So it's working quite well, isn't it?

It is, aye.

I still go over there the odd Monday as well and sleep with her, though.

Oh, right, aye.

And how's your boy doing?

He's fine. He had his operation last week.

Did I tell you he was getting circumcised?

You did, aye, aye, aye. Go all right, did it?

So far so good, Eric. I've not actually seen it,

but by all accounts it is still quite red.

He's to avoid getting excited for a wee while,

so he doesn't put any strain on the stitches.

Aye.

I've switched the router off.

So how are you, squire?

Och, no bad, you know. Same old, same old.

And how is your son, Eric?

Ian? He's fine. He's good.

Do you know what I was wondering?

You know when you had the, like, you know,

the chat with him when he was a teenager.

Did you have to add stuff in?

Eh? Did you have to tailor it to male on male?

Oh, no, no.

At that point we didn't know what his preference was, so...

Well, I could have told you.

His jeans were like leggings.

OK, here we go.

Oh, lovely. Oh, look at this.

What's this we're getting, then?

This is frozen margarita.

ALL: Ooh!

Margarita. I love margarita pizza as well.

Right, well, this is quite different.

Yes, this is very different to a pizza, Beth.

Ooh.

Oh, this is nice, this, eh?

It's like slush, isn't it?

Yes, you crush the ice.

Remember you slipped in the slush last year, Eric?

Huh? Remember, when it was snowing.

You fell going down the drive.

You want to have seen it.

Right down on his backside.

Aw! He was absolutely soaking.

Big wet patch on his arse

and it was all down his legs.

You know, and I know folk always say it,

but it really did look like he'd pissed himself.

ANNE-MARIE LAUGHS

Oh, dear!

Wet pants.

Ah, ho-ho. Cheers, everyone.

Hey. Cheers.

Good to see ya.

Here's to the first of many.

Absolutely.

Aye, but no out here.

DOOR BELL RINGS

I'll get it.

That's a shame. She's only just put her arse in the chair.

Oh, hello.

Hi, Beth. Do you remember my friend, Louise?

Yes, of course I do. Hello. How are you?

Listen, Louise is doing a sky dive for charity.

Wow.

She says she must be off her head.

Anyway, we just wondered if you'd be interested in maybe sponsoring her.

Oh, of course I will.

Come on through, I'll find my specs.

Tequila Sunrise, Eric. You ever had one of them?

I don't think I have.

Orange juice, grenadine and well,

tequila, obviously.

Grenadine always makes me think of my friend Geraldine.

Oh, hi, Michelle.

Hey.

Hiya. Hello, Michelle.

Eric, Colin, you remember Louise?

Aye, I do. Hi, Louise. How are you doing?

How are you doing?

She's deaf, but watch, she knows what you're saying.

Hello, there to you.

My name is Anne-Marie McInroy.

You'll never guess what Louise is doing tomorrow.

Oh, have you got a day out?

Are you going on a minibus?

Louise is doing a skydive for charity.

Oh, wow!

Isn't that amazing?

You jumping out a plane, are ya?

We just popped over to see if anybody fancied sponsoring her.

Oh, absolutely, of course we will.

Oh, great. Well, you can either do it on this sponsor form here

or there's a page thingy set up online that you can donate to.

Oh, here, we'll just do it here.

You got a pen on ya?

What is it in aid of, darling?

Cancer research.

Just normal cancer or deaf people with cancer?

Er...

How much do you reckon?

Er, just whatever you think.

There we go.

Right, thanks.

How much will I put?

It's a skydive.

It's over in five minutes. Just 20 quid.

But she's deaf.

Aye, right enough.

25?

That's great, thanks very much.

No problem.

Erm, would you like to stay for a drink?

Beth's done cocktails.

Margaritas.

Oh, if you're saying to her,

don't confuse it with the pizza.

It is the drink margarita.

Right, OK. We'll stay for a wee one. Thanks very much.

Are you nervous about it?

She says she's trying not to think about it too much.

She'll be fine.

But if she's no', like, if anything goes wrong,

do we still give the money or is it like, void?

My son did a bungee jump last year.

Oh, her son. Was that for charity?

No, it was at a festival and he was on drugs.

Actually, you'll be interested in this.

My son's just had an operation.

What is the sign for circumcision?

Er...

Look, I don't think we need to...

He just had his foreskin cut off.

He is recuperating

at the moment in pyjama bottoms.

Here we go.

So, have you got a lot of folks sponsoring you, then?

We're just trying to get some more before tomorrow.

Ah.

Who else could we get?

Oh, what about Ian?

Er, they're away out for the day, are they not?

Have you been through to Christine yet?

Actually I haven't.

Remember Christine?

No, no, no. You stay where you are.

I'll go, you enjoy your drink.

I take it then

you have your phone permanently on vibrate?

Ah, hello, Michelle.

Hi, Christine. How are ya?

I've got a fly in.

Oh, no. I nearly got it in the windowsill,

but it's away in behind the telly now.

Oh, dear, that's annoying.

Listen... It's OK.

Once Loose Women starts, that'll flush it out.

Listen, I don't know if you remember my friend Louise,

but she's doing a skydive for charity

and we were wondering if you might want to sponsor her.

That's no' your pal that's deaf, is it?

Yeah, yeah, she's in at Beth's just now with Eric and Colin.

Beth's done cocktails actually.

Oh, has she?

We've got a hot tub.

Hot tub.

Jacuzzi in the garden.

And a pergola.

How do I do pergola?

Oh, here she is.

How do I say this is a dump compared to mine?

Oh, there she is.

Hello, Louise.

She's saying it's nice to see you again. How are you doing?

Oh, aye, aye, not bad, not bad.

I've got a fly in.

There's a fly in my house.

It had went in behind the television

but it could be anywhere now.

Eric, get Christine a chair from the hut.

Nice day, isn't it?

Oh, aye, makes a change, eh?

I was just saying to Beth, I put two great big loads

of whites on already today.

God bless that 8-kilo drum of mine.

How's your forecast tomorrow?

As long as it's not windy.

Have you seen that YouTube when the guy comes down on the pylon?

Ooh, ya.

There you go, Christine.

Ah, thanks, Eric.

You no' got a cushion or nothing, Eric?

It's plastic chairs, isn't it, Christine? Mm.

I've got the all-weather rattan. They're nice, aren't they?

They are, but they leave wee marks on your backside.

Oh.

Can I get you a tea, Christine?

What are they having? Cocktails.

Oh, is it a cocktail party?

It's not a party.

We were just having a few drinks outdoors.

Well, I'll have one of them, then.

Right, I'll make a new jug, then.

Oh, much obliged, Eric.

This is nice, eh?

Here, Michelle, where's Alan?

Oh, he's just over in the house.

Say to him to come over, Michelle.

Ach, no. He's busy in the house doing stuff, I think.

Aw, nice day and he's stuck inside?

Tell him we're having a few drinks. On you go.

How are you doing in here? Are you managing?

Yes, I'm fine.

This was a great idea this, having a wee party.

Well, it's not really a party.

Tell you what, I am needing to take a leaf out of your book.

I'd have been running about getting everything perfect if I knew I had people coming over,

but you're just like, whatever,

find a clean seat, I'm away to have a go making cocktails.

Well, I mean, I did...

Right, what can I do? Ice. Where's your freezer?

Christ, you cannae put that in a blender. Where's your rolling pin?

Erm... Your rolling pin.

So what are you doing it for?

Cancer research. Oh, cancer research, well...

I just wish they'd had the research

to figure out how my dear friend Pat succumbed to it.

I think it might have been the 60 fags a day with her.

She did enjoy a cigarette, Louise.

But she had cut down quite considerably towards the end.

Because she knew she was ill?

No, it was more that the amputation

had slowed down her rolling speed, you know?

Ah, but she was like you.

Very active.

She never let her disability stand in her way.

She wouldnae have gone and jumped out a plane though, Christine.

Oh, I don't know.

She very nearly did that time she left her duty free in the lounge.

Here we are. Here's the dream team.

What do you make of that, Eric?

Nice to see the two women working together, isn't it?

How'd you get on in there?

It's a pokey wee kitchen, eh?

Ach, it does the job.

Easier to clean, eh, Beth?

Louise?

Come on, have some Dutch courage.

I'm saying Dutch, like in Holland?

And...and clogs and...

Just fill her up, Beth, just fill her up.

All right, troops?

Oh, there he is.

All right? All right, Eric?

Hi, Alan. You got your shorts on, Alan?

Aye, I took my joggies off. It was too warm.

He's got good calves for tattoos, Michelle.

My Jackson's wanting one on his shoulder blade.

I says to him, "Could we just get this penis healed

"before we start thinking about body art?"

What's in the bags?

Just beers and a few burgers.

Eh? Well, just thought if it was a party, better bring something.

It's not a party as such.

Mind you, Beth, a wee burger to go with the cocktails.

Any Magners in your bag, Alan?

See if it had been over at mine,

I've got the gas barbecue, goes on like that.

I can get ours out, but we'd have to start cleaning it.

We are not doing a barbecue.

Where's your burgers from, Alan?

Morrison's The Best.

Oh, the dear ones. Lovely.

Well, I'm not getting the barbecue out,

but I don't mind cooking those if you want.

Well, I'll take one. What about you, Christine?

Ooh, red meat on a warm day, lovely.

What about you, Louise? You wanting a beefburger before your jump?

Eh... Michelle, tell her

they're Morrison's The Best.

It's OK. We're going to go soon anyway.

Ah, no, you can't go now. Alan... Alan's just got here.

Right, well am I cooking those, then?

Aye, why not?

That'd be great, aye.

Oh, Beth.

What? Are you doing them under the grill?

What?

Are you doing them under the grill?

Yes.

Aw, no, that's no' the same.

They won't have the wee lines on them.

If you're sitting outside wi' a burger in the sun,

you want them to have the wee lines on them that you get from the barbecue.

Ah, that's a point.

The wee lines, eh?

Aye, tastes better with them, doesn't it?

Well, we are not getting the barbecue out,

so I don't know what else you want me to do.

Right, how are you getting on?

Er, yes, fine.

What's needing doing?

Um, well, just those rolls needing buttered.

Right. Let me in.

I will get them sorted for you.

Now, that is the benefit of this warmer weather.

Your butter goes on easier.

Uh-huh.

That's a great wee grill thing, that.

You just tip the fat out at the end.

And of course, you've got the lid there,

save it from spitting up into your face.

Okey dokey,

there we go.

That is us.

Here, tell you what,

this is turning into a great wee party, isn't it?

Can you hear any of that at all?

The can getting opened?

She misses out on so much, doesn't she?

You wanting one, Eric?

Aye, go on.

Cheers.

What about the skydive then, eh?

It's brilliant, isn't it?

I said to her just to shave her head, but fair play.

Oh, look at you.

ALL: Ho-ho-ho.

Look, the legs are out.

What? You wanting a can?

Aye, go on, Alan.

Here. This is the life, is it no'?

What about some tunes on?

You got speakers out here, Eric?

Nah, of course you've not.

I've got my phone. Aye, well stick some music on, Al.

Something chilled.

You got a summer playlist?

Not really. I've got an Ibiza one though.

Well, stick that on.

No' much wrong with this, eh?

Here, Michelle, turn your chair round,

get a wee bit of sun in your face.

Ach, I'm fine.

Come on!

MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY

Aye.

Ah, what about this?

Cafe del Mar's got nothing on us, eh?

It's the burger queens.

Oh, here we go.

Do you want a hand?

No, you just sit and enjoy your can.

See the wee lines there.

That was a good idea with your grill thing, Beth.

Aw, they're brilliant wee things, them.

Cuts your cooking time in half,

cos it's getting it from both sides.

Oh, yeah.

Mm-mm.

Aye, aye.

ALL: Hey!

Hi, everyone. How's it going?

Hi, Michelle. Hi, Alan.

Ian, this is my friend Louise, I don't know if you've met her?

Hiya.

Gordon, have you met my friend Louise before?

No, I don't think I have. Hi.

She's deaf, Gordon.

And they're gay.

How do you know BSL?

Oh, the, the guy I was seeing before Ian was deaf.

Oh, well done, you.

See, there is some kind folk out there.

Louise is married.

She is not?!

I didn't realise you were having a party.

Oh, it's not a party.

We're just having a few drinks outside, seeing as the weather's decent.

What about you? I thought you were away for the day.

Yeah, we were up at Loch Lomond, but Gordon was getting bit.

They just seem to go for me.

Aw! They must smell the English blood, Gordon.

Were you near stagnant water, Gordon?

But apart from that, did you have a nice time?

Aye, it was lovely. We went for a walk,

stopped and had a bite to eat.

Aw, it's beautiful up there.

Aye, there was actually a wedding happening, wasn't there?

Yeah, right on the banks of the "lock".

Loch.

What?

It's loch. You say "loch" not "lock".

HE MAKES CH SOUND

Right. Try it.

Come on, try it.

Lo-ch.

Lo-ch-ch.

Lo-ch-sh.

No, no, it's lochhh.

Chhh. Chhh.

Chhh.

Chhh! Chhh.

Lo-ch-ch-ch.

ALL: Yay!

That's it, well done.

Anyway, we actually had a wee idea

about having ours up there.

Really? Yeah.

Imagine the photos, you get a day like this.

It's absolutely stunning.

Oh, Instagram.

She's always on that. Is she putting pictures of you and her on it, is she?

Just her.

It's one of your mum and I's favourite spots.

She wants me to take her up there but my van's shite on windy roads.

So they are actually engaged.

I know, still feels a bit weird, doesn't it?

Oh, my God, that is so nice.

Oh, Beth,

congratulations.

Thank you, Anne-Marie.

When Jackson gets married it'll be the happiest day of my life.

Ah, is he seeing anyone?

No, but he's got a hot list on Tinder for when

the stitches are dissolved.

Is it the banks of the loch you're thinking of doing this, Ian?

Well, it's just an idea at the minute, but, yeah.

Oh, the bonny, bonny banks.

No' a bit muddy?

It's like a little sort of beach, Christine.

A beach? A sandy beach?

Er, no, it's pebbles.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That is no use for me in a dress shoe, Beth.

Well, I'm sure there'll be some sort of flat bit.

Are you wanting boards? I can get you planks to put down.

Could you, Alan?

Take a change of shoe.

Er, look, it's really just an idea at the minute.

Have you thought about Vegas?

Get it done in two minutes.

They'll be wanting all their friends and their family there, Alan.

MacDonald Hotel, East Kilbride.

Plenty of parking, beautiful big function suite,

a ramp and a hand rail at the front door.

It's awful expensive, that.

A big wedding like that.

A lot of folk are doing it from home now.

Yeah.

Oh, our friend did that, didn't she?

Remember Jackie?

She had it in the garden under that marquee.

You couldnae have a wedding here, though, I mean look at it.

It's meant to be a day of celebration.

Stick bunting up the back there.

Hide the fence.

Mm, maybe hose they bins down as well.

In fact, you could treat yourself

to some new ones before the big day.

Nah, nah, nah. If you want to get married in a

garden you'd be better off having it in mine.

Look, we haven't made any decisions yet, it's...

It is lovely, Ian.

You could store your drink here if you needed, though.

That's a good idea actually, Alan.

Maybe a couple of Portaloos.

Save people tramping into the house.

You could knock a bit of your fence away there. Save folk walking round.

No. Eh?

My son is not getting married in your garden.

I... I'm just trying to help.

No, we don't need your help. We can manage.

I can manage. They can manage. We're fine, OK?

OK.

She's...

Right, come on everybody.

Let's not have any bad blood.

We are the dream team

and this is a party.

It is not a...!

Here, let me tell you,

even if you don't get married in Loch Lomond,

that's what you'll be singing at the end though, eh?

Well, I, I don't know. We've not discussed music yet.

Oh, listen, every wedding in Scotland finishes with that, doesn't it, Eric?

Oh, aye, aye, that's a must.

And it's always a total riot.

You must have seen it, Gordon? No?

The couple, they're put right in the middle, right?

And everybody surrounds them.

And the singing, that gets, that gets louder and faster.

And then, they all just run in at them all at once.

# You tak the high road

# And I'll tak the low road

# And I'll be in Scotland afore you

ALL: # Where me and my true love

# Will never meet again

# On the bonny, bonny banks of Loch Lomond. #

Ya-oo!

# You'll tak the high road and I'll tak low road,

# And I'll be in Scotland afore you... #

Come on!

# Where me and my true love will never meet again

# On the bonny, bonny banks of Loch-ck Lomond. #

Aye, that's it.

And then it'll be up to your room,

up to the honeymoon suite.

For your anal sex.

I think that'll...that'll do us.

Aye, we'll let you all know when we make any arrangements.

Good on yous boys.

Listen, Louise isn't feeling very well.

She's just been sick in your toilet.

Oh, no.

I know, I think I'm just going to take her over the road.

Is it the burgers? Did you cook them through, Beth?

No, no. I think it's just the sun and the cocktails.

God, I feel so bad. I should have just said we couldn't stay.

Don't be daft. Listen, do you need a hand?

No, no.

Aw, here she is.

Are you not well?

Have you been sick? Ugh! Ugh!

Er, I think she understands what you're saying, Anne-Marie.

Yeah, I think I'm just gonnae take her home and we'll book a wee taxi.

Don't you worry, Louise.

You're in safe hands.

Cos she'll hear the beep when it turns up outside.

Right, OK, thanks.

Sorry, Beth. Sorry about this.

Bye. Cheerio. Bye.

Bye-bye.

Well, I hope she's OK for tomorrow.

Why, what's she doing tomorrow?

A skydive for cancer research.

Of course she is.

That's a shame. Poor soul.

They're leaving just as the party's getting going.

It's not a party.

Her tolerance is maybe lower.

You think it'd be the other way around though.

You know, you lose one sense and you, you compensate it with others.

You know, your sight, your smell, your...

..well, your capacity for drink.

Michelle sometimes spews if she mixes her drinks.

Well, women cannae handle it the same, Alan.

Uh... Bollocks.

Away and don't talk pish.

It's true, isn't it, boys?

I'm saying nothing.

Aye, I'm not getting involved in that one.

I'm not having a go here, it's just a scientific fact.

Men can drink more,

we can drink it faster.

Is that right? Aye.

Alan, give me one of your cans.

What?

Give me one of your cans. What are you doing?

SHE BURPS

Now it's a fucking party.

# You'll take the high road

# And I'll take the low road

# And I'll be in Scotland before you

# Where me and my true love

# Will never meet again

# On the bonny, bonny banks of Loch Lomond. #