Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

Oh, ho.

Aw, aye? Nice.

D'you think? Aye. What is it?

Blondies to take to Beth's. What's a blondie?

Well, it's like a brownie, except you use brown sugar.

So why did you not just do brownies?

Well, because everyone'll probably just do brownies.

Aye, but...folk like brownies. Well, I know folk like brownies,

but there's no point in us all taking the same thing.

Fair enough.

So what are they again? Blondies. Right.

So brown sugar in these? Yes.

So what sugar d'you use... Alan just leave it.

These ones? That's the ones.

What's the matter with folk just getting a mug?

It's proper afternoon tea, Eric.

It's nice to do things right, for once.

What a fuss.

Don't talk to me about fuss.

You didn't have to go up to a teenage boy doing balloons in

the party shop and ask him for a 69.

DOORBELL RINGS

There should be saucers to match.

Hi! Hi!

Hello, you two, in you come.

It's good of you to come, boys. It's no problem.

Didn't exactly give us much choice, did you?

Well, she's not got many people,

so it's nice to make a bit of effort for her.

Is Sophie not coming up for it? No, she's not.

Aw, that's a shame, in't it?

You want the people who're most important to you

at your birthday, don't you?

Oh, well, she got a card from Eddie in the chip shop,

so that was nice.

Hey, Dad. Oh, hi, boys.

Hello, Mr Baird. I like your tea set.

Ah. That was your,

that was your Granny Hunter's, remember her, Ian?

Was she the one that always had the white stuff

at the corners of her mouth?

No, no, that was...that was my mother. Oh.

It looks lovely in here, Mrs Baird.

I didn't know what had happened, but then I realised

the table was turned round the other way.

Oh, here Ian, did your mum tell you about Derek Munro?

No?

Remember Derek that I worked with at East Kilbride?

He died.

Oh, he did not? Aye, aye.

Hadn't been well for a while, though.

Aw I remember him. He was a nice guy.

He used to come round the house? Aye.

Remember he used to do that trick with the pennies?

You used to love it.

Aye, he used to make them disappear.

Your father used to be able to do that

with his whole wage packet in those days.

THEY CHUCKLE

Very funny.

Now, listen, this is ours here. Gordon made them.

Ooh. Oh, they look nice.

What are they?

Vegan tiffins.

No flour, no gluten, no sugar. D'you want to try one?

Let's wait till everyone gets here, eh?

We'll get them on to a plate.

Hmm.

OK, if you just pop them onto this.

OK. Oh, by the way,

I didn't leave one of my small clip-and-locks here, did I?

Erm, I don't think so, but I can have a look for you.

Aw, thank you. I'm one down on my set of four,

so I'm having to use one of the big ones for my sandwiches

and it doesn't fit in my bag.

Right. Well, it fits,

but the clipping mechanisms are just a little bit awkward. It's not...

DOORBELL RINGS

S'cuse me a minute, Gordon.

I'll get it.

Hullo, hullo.

Hi, Colin. Hello, Anne Marie.

Hello, missus. How you doing? Are you all set?

Yeah, well, more or less. In you come.

Hi, Eric. Oh, hi! Hi, Eric.

Hiya, Colin. Hiya.

Oh, you guys've not met.

This is Anne Marie and this is Ian.

HUSHED: The gay one. Eh?

Remember? He's gay.

Oh, right, yes, uh-huh.

I'm very pleased to meet you. All right?

Aw, is that no nice? You and your mum still OK.

And this is Gordon, Ian's partner.

Fiance.

Hello, there. No special treatment, eh?

Just the same as the rest of us. And you'll be all right with me.

I've been to see Kinky Boots.

Oh, thank you for bringing something,

that's really very good of you.

Oh, it's no trouble, that's my rocky roads.

That's my Jackson's favourites.

He's getting circumcised in a fortnight,

so it'll no be long before I'm making another batch.

Anne, they don't really need to know that.

Aye, well sit yourselves down folks.

Oh, well, this is lovely in here, Beth.

I've no been in your house before.

Have you not?

I like your carpet.

I remember years ago in marriage guidance,

she had one like that. I remember sitting staring at it...

Er, I'll go and put these on a plate.

Oh, here, wait, I'll give you a hand. No, no.

Och, away. I know what it's like,

getting left to do all the organising.

And I bet you this one here just gets in your road.

'Mon you, out my way. Us womenfolk have got work to do.

So, you all right, Eric?

Aye, aye, I'm fine, Colin, fine.

I was saying to Ian earlier, a guy I used to work with,

Derek Munro, just, just passed away there.

Aw, I'm sorry to hear that.

Were you still in quite regular contact with him?

Och, no really. No.

Och, well,

that's OK then.

Okey dokey, then, missus.

Where d'you want me?

Well, actually, I think we're not bad,

we're pretty much set.

I've got the sandwiches and scones already set out

and I've got the cake up there, but I'll take that out later.

Do you mind if I have a wee look? Yeah.

Ooh!

Ooh, yes.

Listen, if you didn't have time to make one,

you should just have said.

Well, it wasn't really that.

I do a caterpillar cake.

No, honestly, everything else is home-made.

I think it's OK.

Fair enough.

Well...

..at least let me help you get stuff into the oven.

There's nothing needs to go in the oven.

What?

You're no doing any hot stuff?

DOORBELL RINGS

ERIC: I'll go.

Here she is.

Hello, Eric.

Oh, you've not brought anything, have you?

Oh, no.

This is just an empty Tupperware that I wanted to return to Beth.

Oh, right.

You'll be able to take a few bits and pieces away with you

if there's any leftovers.

So I could. Oh, that's a very good idea, Eric.

I remember her 60th, and that was a very emotional night that.

Oh, was it? Oh, yeah.

She'd just got her free bus pass, so she was in bits.

Here she is.

Oh, the birthday girl!

Hey, hey. Hello, you all right?

Hello, everybody, hello. Thanks, everyone. Many thanks.

Happy birthday, Christine.

Aww, bless you, Gordon, bless you, my son.

Oh, Christine, you're here. Happy birthday.

Hello, Beth. Oh, oh, before I forget, that's for you.

Ah, good to have that back, thank you.

Well, Eric had the very good idea

of using it take home some leftovers, so don't put it away.

Happy birthday, Christine, it's nice to see you again.

Ah, thanks, hen. How are you getting on?

Not bad, busy, busy, you know me.

How's that boy of yours doing? He's good, thanks.

Just two weeks now until he's goes in for his...

HUSHED: Yes, OK.

So, is it actually today, your birthday?

It is, Gordon. Yes.

Did you get up to anything special this morning?

I did, Ian.

I had a bath and then put a fresh base sheet on my bed.

Oh, right.

It's next year that's the big one, though,

my 70th.

I will be celebrating in style.

What you gonna do?

Scalp treatment then out for a full Scottish breakfast.

Wee glass of fizz to start, Christine?

Oh, I don't know with my heartburn, Beth.

Well, we've got orange juice if you'd prefer.

Ah, fuck it, I've got Gaviscon in my bag.

Right. Eric.

You can have a wee drink to start

and then we've got a proper afternoon tea all ready.

Aww.

Well, look at that.

That's lovely.

You've got the good China out as well, eh?

Ian. Ian.

That's a beautiful big drop-leaf table your mum's got.

It was my mother's,

I've had that nearly 40 years.

Nearly as long as you've had this suite, Beth.

So, there's sandwiches

and then everybody's baked something too.

They've what? Yeah, everyone's done something home-made for you.

There's the scones that I've done.

Oh, aye. They're, they're quite small, Beth.

Mini scones.

I'll maybe take a few of them, make it up to a full one.

And then there's rocky roads, Anne Marie did them.

Now, if you're wearing a plate,

just whip it out, cos they can be a bit chewy.

And then there's tiffin that Gordon made.

They're vegan. No wheat, no dairy, no sugar.

No fucking use to me, then.

CORK POPS

Oh!

Oh, my God, Eric, I nearly shat myself.

Right, who's wanting a glass?

Ooh, yes. Yes! Yes, please.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, excuse me a minute.

Hi, Beth.

Hi, Michelle, hi, Alan. Aw right?

In you come.

So, how did they turn out? Ah, OK, I think.

Give me a peek.

Oh, they look lovely.

Alan, have you tried one yet?

Nah, but I got to lick the bowl.

Right, through you go.

There we are. Thanks, Eric. Hi!

Oh, there's Michelle, hello, Michelle.

Hi, Christine, happy birthday. Hi, everyone.

Hiya. Hiya. How you doing, you all right?

Good, thank you, Alan. Have you been busy baking?

Naw. Her.

Oh, and what have you done? Blondies.

Gorgeous. Ooh!

Ah, well I just thought somebody else'll probably do brownies. So...

No. I did my rocky roads.

I did tiffins, vegan tiffins.

WHISPERS: Beth, I don't want any of them.

See, you could have done brownies.

What's blondies anyway?

They're like brownies except no as good.

Oh, I'm sure they're lovely.

Give me them and I'll put them out on the table.

Do you want me to nip to Asda for sausage rolls? They do wee quiches.

Or what about a samosa? You can put them in the oven.

No, we're fine.

You pair want a wee glass of fizz? Naw, I canny Eric.

Eh? I might need to drive.

My pal's dog's about to have pups and he might need me

to go across and help with the delivery.

Aw that's nice. Oh, that's a lovely thing to do.

Mind you, what a mess dogs can make when they're getting birthed.

Oh. What kind of dog, is it?

Pug. Aw, lovely. Cute.

Very prone to breathing difficulties, Alan.

Get their noses blown as they come out.

Aye. Have you done it before, Alan?

Aye, we had a Spaniel growing up and she had quite a few litters.

Aww, that's nice. Aye, when she was in heat there was a queue of them

at the back door with their lipsticks out.

Is anybody hungry?

Not any more.

Ah, right, well come on, let's get stuck in.

Christine, will I do you a plate?

Aww, yes, please, Beth.

Wee bit of everything.

Apart fae...

Right, come on. The rest of you, come up and help yourselves.

So you're from down south, are you?

I am, yeah. From Yorkshire.

Oh, right. Mum still down there, is she?

She is, yeah.

It's not that far really, is it?

You'll be able to go up and down for visits as often as you want.

Yeah, erm, I go about twice a year.

Twice a year?

OK. Sorry, Dad.

Snaffle a couple of these.

Don't overfill your plate. R-right.

And don't go back up for more unless Beth invites you up.

Right.

Is it OK if I wrap a couple of sandwiches in a napkin

to have after we've got the pups out?

No.

Take a tomato.

There you go, Christine. Oh, bless you, Beth.

Now, do you want your tea now or do you want it after?

Eh, after. Right.

Actually, now. OK.

No. After.

Right. Beth, Beth.

What is it?

Thank you for doing all this today.

It's no bother.

You've gone to a lot of trouble.

All these sandwiches,

the lovely fresh baking,

that solitary balloon.

I appreciate it, I really do.

You're very welcome, Christine.

Right, everybody got?

ALL: Mm!

This is nice, isn't it, eh?

When was the last time we had a birthday party in the house?

Ooft. Don't know.

Must have been when you were a wee boy, Ian.

We always used to have all your pals round.

Mm. Aw, wee parties, wee jellies,

Jackson still loves jelly. Aww.

I remember you peeing you pants on a bike one birthday.

She had to get him stripped and changed

while he did the music man for the rest of them.

LAUGHTER

ANNE MARIE: Aww, Pee Pee Pants.

WHISPERS: Say something about the food.

Your ham's nice, Beth.

Thank you, Alan. This egg's lovely too, Beth.

Mm, isn't it, Michelle?

Christ, where the hell would we be without eggs, eh?

What you got Gordon? Cheese.

I can recommend the tuna, Gordon.

He's vegetarian.

As well as gay? Mm-hm.

Oh, his poor Mum. I know.

Y'all right there, Christine?

Ten out of ten, Beth. Ah.

Ten out of ten.

There you go, eh? Not often you get that.

Right, I'm going to get stuck in to one of your wee scones, Beth.

Christ.

They are wee as well, look at that.

Mini scones, Colin.

This rocky road is lovely, Anne Marie.

Thank you, Eric. Just make sure your toothbrush is charged.

Oh.

I'm going to try one of your blondies, Michelle.

Oh, I hope they're OK.

Mm! Can you taste brown sugar?

Tastes fantastic. They're brilliant, Michelle.

Thanks so much.

You'll be a great mum.

Your tiffin's very nice, Gordon.

Thank you. I can give you the recipe if you want?

That's an idea.

Have you tried one of Michelle's blondies, Christine?

Oh, yes, they're very nice.

You've all done very well.

Aw, thanks, Christine.

Here, I'm stuffed

and we've not even had the actual birthday cake yet.

LAUGHTER

Oh, here, that's a point, who made that?

Oh.

Who baked the actual birthday cake?

Well, nobody.

Well, I mean, somebody did, but nobody here did.

I bought it.

You bought it?

Yes.

MICHELLE: Well, look, it's fine to do that.

Lots of people buy cakes

and then you can sort of customise them yourself.

Ah!

Is that what you've done?

Steady.

Well, that sort of goes.

Lovely.

So when's the funeral then?

Tuesday morning.

I'm off on Tuesday.

I might come, d'you think that would be all right?

Aye, course. Mm.

I'll need to dig out my old black suit.

I don't know where that is.

It's, eh...it's upstairs in the spare room.

Is it?

Beth. Is Ian's black suit upstairs?

What you saying? Ian's black suit, is it up the stairs?

Yes, it's in a carrier next to yours. Why?

I was going to go to the funeral with Dad.

Who is it's died?

Oh, it's a guy who I used to work with, Derek Munro.

Oh, dear, that's a shame.

Gordon, grab us another couple of those wee scones, will you?

You'll need to go up and try it on see if it still fits.

Mm. Have you tried yours on?

Oh, mine's fine.

When was the last time you had it on?

Er. Betty Gallacher's funeral I think.

Is Betty dead?!

I sent her a Christmas card.

Ian, take him up and get him to try his on as well.

Ach.

Did you know Derek Munro, Mrs Baird?

Er, I'd met him a few times.

What age of man, was he?

Mid-60s. 64, 65?

Oh, that's not old, is it?

The average life expectancy of men in Glasgow is 71.

Ah, well, he didnae do too bad then.

My granny was only 66 when she died.

Was she, Michelle?

Your mum's mum? Yeah.

She got taken in quite suddenly... You want that sandwich?

Is it a church it's in, Beth?

Crematorium I think.

Mm, that's better, crematorium, isn't it?

Everything's just off your hands and done.

Aye, that's what I'll be getting.

It's much better for the environment.

Ah, well, it is Gordon.

Plus the parking's always good at crematoriums.

Mine'll be a full Latin Mass.

Wee De Marco'll do it for me.

And I've got my plot picked out up at the cemetery.

Have you? Oh, aye.

I've paid extra to be further away from the pylons.

My mum's asked us to scatter her ashes on Lake Windermere.

Aww. Oh, that's lovely.

Keep a wee bit back though, Gordon,

so you've still got something of her.

Gordon.

Come and have a wee look at these will you?

Tell me what you think.

D'you think these trousers are too short?

No, I think they're OK.

Oh, I think they're a bit short.

D'you think? Well, what shoes are you wearing?

Well, just my black ones that I wear to work.

Ah, that should be all right.

How's your father getting on?

Eric. How you getting on?

Fine. Well, come down and let me have a look, please.

Right, let's see. Will it fasten?

STRAINS: Just. Mm.

Oh, is that marks there down the front?

Eh? Oh, come into the light till I see it properly.

Right, let's see.

There he is. Very smart.

Where's Ian?

Ian, come in tae we see you as well.

Aye, come on, Ian.

Look at that.

You look really smart, really good.

There you go, Christine,

at least if you pop your clogs

you know they've got something decent to wear.

I'd want people to wear bright colours to my funeral.

I've got a red polo shirt. Would that be all right?

Oh, no.

I'd like mine to be very traditional.

Like the full mass, hymns, big spray of lilies.

Aww. And then at the end,

I'd want them to play my favourite piece of music of all time.

Reet Petite?

Ravel's Bolero.

Oh, I love that. Remember Torvill and Dean?

Oh, I do. I will never forget it.

Four minutes of absolute magic.

And then, that ending, when they just go down,

on to their sides and they're lying there on the ice,

as if they're dead.

Her tights were soaked when she got up.

Well, look, we don't really need to discuss

any of this just now, do we?

I know, it's supposed to be your birthday!

Yes. Right, so...

What will you wear, Beth?

What?

To my funeral. What will you wear?

Oh, for goodness' sake.

I don't know, erm, my black dress?

Will you be veiled? What?

Will you be wearing a veil?

Well, I've got a hat with a wee bit of net on it.

Let me see it. What?

Go on, get it. Let me see it.

Oh. Aw, she wants to see what you're all going to look like. Why?

Well, she's not going to get a very good view from the coffin, is she?

Oh, for goodness' sake.

Has Davey still not rung you? Nup.

I hope everything's all right. Will I phone him?

Yeah, go and give him a wee ring.

That dog still not popped Michelle? No, I don't think so.

I'd love a puppy. Well, say to him!

Michelle, can they get one?

We are not getting a dog.

If it's a small one, Ian,

then that could be ideal for you as a gay couple.

There you go, Christine.

Oh, that's nice, Beth!

Oh, aye. Put it on.

What?!

I would like to see it on.

Oh, for the love of God.

Let's see you together, the three of you, family.

Oh, for God's sake.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Let's see what you look like all standing the gether.

F... Right, let's get a look at the three of you.

MUTTERS: This is bloody ridiculous.

Christ, they look miserable.

I should hope so, I'm fucking dead.

Oh, aye, so you are.

She's all done. What?

Misty. She's had her pups.

ALL: Awww.

Congratulations.

All right, if I can get a drink now?

How many did she have? Six.

Wow.

Six? Oh, my God.

Christ, I was shattered after one.

But I'd do it all over again, Michelle.

What did she have then?

Four dogs, one bitch and one never made it.

Aw. Ach. Oh, sugar.

Oh, no, that's such a shame.

Oh, that is sad.

That is a real shame.

Beth? What?

Right, why don't we get this cake on the go? That's a good idea.

Yes, the cake, OK.

Are they all taken then, the pups, Alan?

Aye, he's keeping the bitch for breeding though.

Ah, that's nice. What's he calling her?

I don't know. I don't think he's chosen a name yet.

Here, d'you know what might be a nice idea?

Why don't you ask him,

seen as how they both share the same birthday,

if he'll name her after Christine.

What?! D'you fancy that? Just think about it,

in years to come, even when you're no here,

there'll be a wee dog called Christine just roaming around.

Aye.

Go on, Alan.

I'll text him.

# Happy birthday to you Oh...

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Christine

# Happy birthday to you. #

Hip hip. ALL: Hurray!

Hip hip. ALL: Hurray!

And one for Christine the dug! Hip hip.

ALL: Hurray!

You do the 69 on top of that then, did you?

IAN SNIGGERS

I did.

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

Right, Eric, get some music on, us all sitting here in silence.

Fair enough.

What d'you want on?

Oh, I don't know, ask Christine, it's her birthday.

OK. Christine what d'you fancy putting on?

Oh, I don't know.

Actually, d'you know what I'd like to hear?

What?

Bolero.

Aw, no, no. Let's put on something a bit... Eric.

OK.

CD CASE CLOSING

MUSIC: Bolero by Ravel

Thanks, Beth.

Oh, yes.

Thanks.

Mm. Good. Mm.

Icing. That's lovely.

Mm. That's good.

Mm!

PHONE RINGS

Oh.

Aw! That's him saying it's fine,

he'll call the bitch Christine.

Aw! That's brilliant.

Have you got pictures, Alan?

Aye, wait a minute.

Let's have a wee look. Right.

Right.

That's her.

Aw, aye.

Look at their wee eyes still shut. Mm-hm.

That's her getting them licked clean.

Awww.

They're cute, in't they?

Mm, they're lovely, Alan,

absolutely beautiful.

Do you want to see the deid one?

# How would you like to try my finger sandwiches?

# How do you feel about some clotted cream>?

# You might enjoy the feeling

# Of sipping on Darjeeling

# Nibble on my cupcakes and you'll know just what I mean

# I hope you'll find my sponges light and fluffy

# My freshly-made preserve tastes good to me

# I'm positively sure you will adore my petit fours... #