Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

Oh, hi, Beth. Oh, hi, Michelle.

You OK?

How did Alan get on with his van?

Oh, fine, it's fine.

It's his own fault. He shouldn't have gone through the drive-through with his ladders on the roof.

Anyway, I was going to ask, are you going to Colin's tonight?

Yes, yes, we are. What are you wearing?

Are you getting dressed up?

No, I mean, it's dinner, but I don't think

we need to wear anything fancy.

It's really just a chance to get to meet Anne-Marie.

Oh, have you not met her yet? No, no.

Don't know much about her,

except for that they've been seeing quite a bit of each other.

Oh, that's sweet. Yes, I know.

I don't think he was finding it easy being single.

Oh, God, can you imagine?

I don't think I could go back to living on my own.

Michelle!

Are there any toilet rolls?

I'll leave you to it.

Through you come.

Anne-Marie's a wee bit nervous about meeting you.

Oh, there's no need for that.

No, I know.

I've told her you're both very easy going.

I mean, you're hardly going at all, Eric!

This is Anne-Marie.

Hello, hello.

And this is Eric and Beth.

Hello, Eric.

And hello, Beth.

Oh, it's lovely to meet the pair of you.

I've heard so much about you.

All good I hope? The majority of it, yes.

Here, I like that cardi.

This? This is just an old one.

I wasn't sure what to put on.

Is it wool or is it a mix?

Sorry?

The cardigan, is it wool or is it a mix?

I don't know.

Let me just get a look at the label.

Not just now, we can we can check that later.

Er, have a seat.

Hey, sit down.

So...

What you've been up to today, then?

Oh, not much.

Cleaning the kitchen.

That's about as exciting as it got.

Oh, Beth, nothing better than getting right into all your corners

with a bit of bleach, eh?

Yes, aha.

Are you ceramic or gas?

Er...

Ceramic.

Me too.

I was gas, I was gas a long time,

but I spent half my life going around the burners wi' an old toothbrush.

I will never go back.

Never.

Are you wanting a glass of wine?

I wouldn't say no.

I'll go.

I'll get it.

Here, Beth,

some kitchen he's got, int it?

Yes.

Take is a while to get round that wi' our cloths, eh?

So what have you been up to then?

Ach, not much, Eric.

Well, we were through in Edinburgh last weekend.

Oh, very nice.

Wee romantic getaway, was it?

Well, aye, it was.

Oh, lovely.

Where did you go?

John Lewis.

And then the zoo.

Oh! Here we go.

This is the dear stuff.

I normally get mine oot at Aldi.

It's good in there, isn't it, Beth?

Yes, I go there sometimes, yes.

Great for fruit and veg, mind you, you need to watch,

you go in for a loaf and you come out wi' a set of jump leads and a paddling pool.

So, Colin said you were away for the weekend.

Aye we were, Beth, we went through to Edinburgh.

Oh, it's lovely through there, isn't it?

Oh, aye, it is, but Christ it's dear.

£9 for two coffees.

I don't care if you've got a castle, I'm no paying that.

We'll go back up to the room and use the wee kettle.

Aye.

Ian goes through to Edinburgh quite often, doesn't he?

Oh, is that your son?

Yes, yes.

What age is he?

He's 28 now.

Oh, my Jackson's 24.

Oh, you've got a son as well.

Oh, aha. Keep you on your toes.

Yes, there's always something.

If it's no, "Can I get a lift here?"

It's, "Could you lend me a tenner?"

Or, "Leave me alone, I'm no needing to see a specialist."

Um, have you met him yet?

No, but he's really looking forward to it.

Is he? No, you are.

Oh, aye, absolutely.

DOOR BELL RINGS

Excuse me a wee second.

Well, cheers.

Cheers.

Oh, yeah.

Oof. Aw, here.

Eric, let me get you something to set your glass on.

Oh, no, don't be daft.

Absolutely not.

Watch your heads.

There we go.

Christ, Beth, what are we like?

If we're no cleaning kitchens we're humping furniture.

There's always something, isn't there?

As I say, she's...

..she's a wee bit nervous about meeting everybody.

Ach, she's got no need to be nervous.

We'll make her feel right at home.

Hey, Christine, I'd like you to meet Anne-Marie.

So you're a divorcee, hen?

Christine.

No, you're all right, I don't mind.

Yes, I was married,

and, yes, it ended in divorce.

But here we are.

Any children?

Oh, Christine, for God's sake.

Yes, I have one beautiful son.

My big boy, Jackson.

He's 24.

Oh, that's nice.

At least you know she's no looking for one off of you, Colin, eh?

One's enough, thank you.

I've got my hands full with him, I'll tell you that.

Is he going off the rails?

You see, that's what happens

when you come from a broken home.

Christine, lots of marriages end in divorce these days

and everybody involved is just fine.

Oh, aye.

That couple down the road, they split up just before Christmas.

And she's met somebody else already.

Oh, right? What about him?

No.

But I did spot him perusing the cards in a telephone box.

Christine, would you like a drink? Will I get you a wee glass of wine?

Yes, please.

Oh, my God.

Nice and prompt, eh?

Yes, she's been very attentive.

Aha, aha.

Watch and learn.

She's done a whole meal from scratch.

You've landed on your feet, mate.

Single mother, you see.

She's used to eking stuff out.

Does she get vouchers, Colin?

I don't... Here we go.

There's your wine.

Enjoy.

Och, it's really nice to meet you all.

You too, Anne-Marie.

So how did you two meet?

We actually met online.

Did you? Aye, well, I mean, that's the way it's done these days.

I have to say, it's quite a good idea.

It asks you all the questions

about what kind of person you're looking for.

Age, height, all that stuff.

And you ended up with him?

You match up with people who've liked your profile,

and then that's when you start seeing the messages.

And eventually, well, you swap numbers.

Changed days, eh?

Remember, you used to go with the dancing and the guy

had to go up to the girl and ask her if she fancied a dance?

In the last half hour, it was the mad dash

to see who you could get.

Aye!

Next thing you know, you're married to them, eh, Beth?

I will say this, though, you need to watch,

there's a lot of fakes online.

Oh, aye, I mean, well, there was one woman I was chatting to.

She said, "I'm in my thirties and I'm a model."

See when I met her

I thought, "What do you model? Support tights?"

I met this guy, Jerry he said his name was,

said he worked for Bank of Scotland, but I've banked with them for years.

I've never seen him before

so I made my excuses after the main course

and left for my own safety.

They steal photos too.

Oh, I've heard about that.

There's a woman who works in Tesco.

She got hacked.

Her bits have been seen all over the world, Beth.

Gosh.

I lost my bus pass once, and when I got it back,

somebody had drawn a moustache on it.

As soon as we actually met, though,

we just clicked, didn't we?

Aw! Aye, we did, aye.

Did he pay, Anne-Marie?

And I was dead honest with him.

I was very upfront about my ex, about Jackson,

and we even ended up talking about his forthcoming surgery.

Oh, goodness. What is he getting done?

Circumcision.

DOOR BELL RINGS

It's going to be a real game changer for him, Beth.

Excuse me a second.

Hi, Colin.

Hey, Michele. Hi, Alan. How are you doing?

Oh, we're great. Here's a bottle.

Oh, thank you, Alan.

That's very kind of you.

And what's this one?

It's... Dunno, she got it as a present.

Thanks so much.

He said, "Has he tried Vaseline?"

I said, "Listen, he's got more grease under his hood than a transit van."

But we're no further forward.

Hi.

Oh, hiya. Hi, Michelle.

Hi, Alan. Hi, Michelle.

This is Alan and Michelle

and this is Ann-Marie.

Hello, Alan. And hello, Michelle.

Oh, here, you're a wee glamour puss, aren't you?

You'd have no problem if you were online.

Mind you, you'd get all sorts in your inbox.

Alan and Michelle stay across the road.

Oh, right. Are you married?

Engaged.

She's divorced, Michelle.

Sit down, please, sit down.

They've actually no long moved in.

Oh, right,

just starting out?!

Oh.

Have you any of a family

or are you hanging fire?

Oh, not yet.

We're trying on weekends.

I've got one, a son.

Jackson.

Oh, lovely.

He's about to have his foreskin removed, Michelle.

Ma mate had that done.

Didnae heal right.

Looks like a dog's been at it.

Can I get you a wee drink or something? A glass of wine?

Oh, yes, please.

So it's lovely to meet you.

Oh, you too.

I feel like I've seen you around, but I don't want to just rock up and introduce myself.

Oh, but you should have.

I'll say hello to anyone.

Is that how you met him?

They met online, Alan.

Did you?

Lots of my friends have met their partners that way.

Alan, she knows somebody

whose vagina is famous on the internet.

Does nobody meet at the dancing any more then?

Oh, my friends wouldn't go to a club looking to meet someone.

Oh, mines do if they're on the gear.

Can't remember the last time I went to a nightclub.

Go midweek, Beth.

You'll get in for nothing.

See what I don't like about nightclubs,

see when the lights go up at the end and you see all the mess,

I just want to get my mop and my bucket and get it all cleaned up.

Here we go.

Sorry about the wee delay there, I was just checking something in the oven.

So what are we getting then?

Tomato and red pepper soup.

Then we've got a fish pie

and then your pudding's a raspberry cheesecake.

Oh, brilliant.

What kind of fish is it?

Eh?

In your pie? Alan.

Actually, sorry,

I'll just pick out the bits I don't like.

It sounds absolutely fantastic, Anne-Marie.

Thank you.

And hats off to you for doing three courses.

That's like that programme.

Come Dine With Me.

Yes. Oh, here, you get some right fussy buggers on that, don't you?

Oh, you do, you do.

See your soup, Anne-Marie,

Have you used dried herbs?

See when they go poking around the house

and then they try and guess something about the person?

I mean, why would you let them do that?

Did you see the one where they found the sheepskin waistcoat and the helmet?

And it was a guy who thought he was a Viking.

Or what about the woman that was an actual witch?

Did she burn her steaks?!

Oh, that's a good one.

That's what everyone's looking for online.

GSOH.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

There's nothing more attractive than a good sense of humour.

Aye, we're all right here,

we all like a joke, eh?

Oh, aye.

It was lasagne she done, Eric.

Came third.

Oh, that went down well.

Do you think so? Oh, aye!

They loved it.

Good. I just want everything to go smoothly.

It's going great, trust me.

And see the soup?

They absolutely loved it.

I'd give it five at a push.

Christine, it was lovely.

See, she'll be used to watering things down,

to make it go further.

She seems lovely, eh, Beth?

Yes, she does.

Very down-to-earth.

What did she say the son's name was again, Beth?

Jackson.

Aye, Jackson.

Waiting to get circumcised.

Yes, aha.

Well, let's say that's more hygienic, apparently.

So what is it we're getting for our man again?

Fish pie.

Oh, that's right, aye.

Do you like fish, aye? Oh, aye, lovely.

Right, any prawns and I'll fly them over to you.

Are you circumcised, Alan?

ALL: Oh!

I hope you all like it,

it's a real favourite in my house, this one.

See, she'd get three or four days out of that

just for the two of them.

It looks amazing.

Thank you very much.

Er, what's your mash made with, Anne-Marie?

Sorry?

Your mash. Is it Maris Pipers?

Oh, aha, nothing but the best.

Maybe get her up to a seven with this, Beth.

Right, Eric, that's you. Oh, yes.

Look at this.

And Michelle.

There you go.

Oh!

Oh, is there egg through it, Anne-Marie?

There is.

Egg in a pie? Alan.

Beth. Oh, thank you.

Smells wonderful.

Do you think?

Oh, honestly, it's terrific, you've gone to such an effort.

Aye, you can come dine with us any time you like.

Take mine from the side, will you

so I get a wee crisped up bit of potato.

Oh.

Thank you.

It's a pleasure.

And Alan.

Just mash, I'll no eat any of that other stuff.

Okey dokey.

Is he a bit fussy eater, this one, is he, Michelle?

Not too bad.

I'll take fish if it's out of the chippy.

That is my Jackson's favourite.

He loves his chippies.

I get him one every Saturday,

and then sometimes on a Wednesday,

you know, if he's no feeling happy.

This is yours, darling.

Oh, thanks.

Right, folks, do not stand on ceremony.

Dig in.

There you go.

Oh, wow.

Oh.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm, lovely.

Delicious.

KICK

Thanks for the food. It's lovely, so it is.

it's absolutely beautiful, but I'll be needing to hit the gym

every single night this week.

Oh, rubbish, you're in great shape.

Och, not really at the minute.

But if I don't exercise, I just pile it on.

It usually goes up quite a bit around Christmas, doesn't it?

So you're in great shape yourself, Mrs.

Me? Aha.

Isn't she, Beth?

Er, yes, super.

You must be a regular gym goer.

I've never been in a gym in my life.

Really? But you're in tremendously good shape.

No cellulite at all, Beth.

See, the thing is, I'm always on the go, I cannae sit still.

As soon as one thing's done, I'm on to the next.

My mother was the same.

Me too, me, too.

Pass us a bit more of that mash, will you there, Colin?

She was up doing the kitchen floor at seven this morning, weren't you?

Yeah. God, I don't even think I was awake at seven this morning.

No, you weren't. You were snoring.

Nothing wrong with that, Michelle.

I probably was, too.

You were. It comes through my fucking wall.

Oh, poor you, Eric.

You cannae help it if you snore.

I'll tell you who else was doing a wee bit of snoring last night.

You. Me? Was I?

Aha.

See, after I finish,

I fall straight asleep.

So how long is it you've been actually seeing each other?

Oh, now, let me think.

How long will it be?

Well, it's...

It's two months since I ghosted that woman with implants,

so I think it'll be six, seven weeks?

You know, it's great, all that online stuff, isn't it?

I mean, just think, yous two might not have met each other

if you hadn't signed up for it.

We feel really lucky, don't we?

Aye, we do.

Oh, shit, the peas! Eh?

The peas!

I forgot the peas.

Don't bother, we're fine.

No, I cannae serve you up a fish pie

without peas on the side.

Oh, my God.

What must they think of me, Colin?

Oh.

She just wants it to be

all perfect, you know?

Oh, don't worry, Colin, she's doing a great job.

Do you think? Oh, aye, yeah.

Cos, you know, she's...

..she's been a bit nervous.

She's got no reason to be, she's doing just grand.

Here we are.

A dish of fresh garden...

Oh, shit!

Oh.

Oh, are you...are you all right?

Oh, my God.

Look at the mess.

Are you OK?

Jesus, Beth,

they're everywhere.

Look, don't worry about that.

Yeah, come on, let's get you up.

I'm fine.

Oh, what a mess.

Look, I'll go get you a wee bit of kitchen roll, OK?

Dustpan and brush, Michelle.

Michelle, you stay right where you are.

I will not be having guests picking up peas.

What a shame.

I know.

I was looking forward to them.

Are you sure we cannae give the woman a hand?

No, no, no. She'll have them up in a minute.

Yous just relax and enjoy your meal.

HOOVER STARTS

Don't mind me!

No a bad bit of power in this, Beth.

Oh, the wee bastards are everywhere, so they are.

HOOVER STOPS

Oh, this is delicious.

Mm, it's lovely.

Did you make this from scratch as well?

I did, yes.

Aye, you've made cheesecake before, Beth.

Yes.

Hers is the cheat's version, though.

Do you like to cook, Beth?

God, it's terrible.

I feel like I've hardly asked you guys anything,

so busy talking about myself.

No, no, not much to tell, really.

They don't do much for their wives, do you?

Well, we're winding down a bit

now that our son's grown-up and moved out.

Oh, you've no told me anything about your boy... Ian.

Ian, that's right.

He's a homosexual, Anne-Marie.

Oh, right.

And not the colourful variety either.

It comes out more when he's pissed.

His partner's more obvious.

Oh, aye, he cannae hide it.

There was a time I wondered about my Jackson.

Did you? Yeah.

But I checked his porn and the laptop and it's all straight.

Well, there's usually a woman involved in it somewhere.

Well, that's nice.

Right, I'll get these plates cleared.

Oh, my God, Michelle.

Your top. What?

What is it?

There's a wee bit of cream on your top there.

Oh, God, what am I like?

No, don't, don't, I'll get a cloth.

Oh, no, it's fine. No, absolutely not.

That will stain if you don't get a hot cloth onto it.

Tell her, Beth, tell her.

Um, a quick wipe?

I'm always dribbling stuff on tae ma boobs, Michelle.

Right.

Let's get this on to it, pet.

Just pop that button open for me, my love

so I can get my hand right in and sponge it properly.

Rub-a-dub-dub, my darling.

That's you now, a wee wet patch, that'll soon dry.

OK.

Listen, if we're all finished

why don't we get a comfy seat, eh? Have a wee coffee?

Great idea. Yes.

Aye, there we go.

Right, I'll get these away, then I'll get the coffees on the go.

What's that? I think there's a pea there she's missed.

Alan, shoosh. What is it?

Nothing, no.

Can I give you a hand, Anne-Marie?

Oh, no, no, no.

You go and sit down.

You are a guest.

I'm really glad you came over.

Oh, it was lovely.

I think it's been good, eh? Smashing, isn't it?

Yes, it's been great.

Thoroughly enjoyed it. Good.

OK.

So what are we having? Are you all wanting a coffee?

Yes, please.

Will I do a cafetiere?

What one's that? Is that the one wi' the plunger?

Does everyone take milk?

Oh, in fact, you know what I could do?

A wee Irish coffee?

Oh! Oh! Oh, an Irish coffee.

I like an Irish coffee.

It's got whisky in it.

Everyone?

Yes, please.

Anything Irish is fine by me.

My mother was a Kelly from Cork.

Aye? Here's me thinking she was a witch frae the West.

He's all right, Anne-Marie, but he can be a cheeky wee bastard.

I've got family from Cork.

Have you? Oh, yes, aha.

We used to go there in the summer holidays.

Oh, wow!

Oh, aye.

My family's very proud of its Irish roots.

My mum made me go to the Irish dancing every week.

Competitions and everything.

Here, you never put that in your profile.

She'd done tap as a wee lassie. Oh.

Oh, I love Irish dancing.

The costumes, the music, the wee legs going like the clappers.

Aye, that was me.

Every Saturday morning, the hair up and my wee green velvet dress.

Oh, cute.

I tell you, that got your fit.

I've still got the muscles in my calves to show for it. She has.

I can hardly get my hands around them. Anyway,

Irish coffees. Here,

if this was Come Dine With Me, you could have done a whole Irish theme.

Yes! So I could. That is true, Eric.

You could have done a big plate of stew. Aye! That'd been better.

Maybe a wee can of the black stuff as well.

Aye, the Guinness. Oh, I like a Guinness.

You ever tried dipping a digestive biscuit in it, Alan?

You know the bit I like best about Come Dine With Me? When they

have one of those themed ones at the end

and the host does a wee party piece.

ALL LAUGH

You could have done your Irish dancing.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Can you not do it any more?

No, I can still do it.

I mean, you never lose it.

Show us a wee bit.

You want me to?

Aye! On you go.

Yeah, right. We don't... We don't need to do...

TAKES A DEEP BREATH

No, that's not right. Wait a minute.

Ach, you're fine. On you go.

SHE HUMS QUIETLY

No, I'm making a mistake there.

That'll do us, will it, no? You can clearly do it,

so there's no need to, you know. SHE SINGS A DITTY

Tada!

Anyway, coffee.

Was that a wee bit much?

No! Don't be daft! Charming.

Don't be silly. Just, you know, she's...

she's been nervous about meeting you and she,

you know, she wanted it all to go well.

I-I-It was... It went really well. It was very good.

I mean, I really like her, but you would be honest with me

if you were no sure, wouldn't you?

Aye. Of course we would. Absolutely, Colin.

Thanks, guys. Thanks.

That means a lot.

I'll just go and give her a wee hand. OK. Right.

She's fucking nuts, ain't she?

# On the fourth of July 1806

# We set sail from the sweet cove of Cork

# We were sailing away with a cargo of bricks

# For the grand City Hall in New York

# 'Twas a wonderful craft She was rigged for and aft

# And oh how the wild wind drove her

# She stood several blasts She had 27 masts

# And they called her the Irish Rover. #