Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language.

He-ey! All right, Colin? How you doing?

I'm good, yeah, I'm good. I'm keeping busy.

Ah, what you been up to?

I've, er, I've been,

well, I-I got up no' long ago.

I-I got washed.

Oh, well, THAT was good. No, actually, that was,

that was Saturday.

Have you heard from her?

No. Well, listen,

Beth was wondering if you wanted to come over for

a wee cup of tea later.

Was she? Aye.

Aw, that was... that was nice of her. Well,

aye, well, listen, why not?

You know, it's... What, say about, what, two o'clock?

Well, that's, er...

..that's quarter to five now.

Is it?

Yeah, well, just come over whenever and we'll see you later, eh?

Okey dokey, Eric.

Aye.

You're all right, are you?

Aye, I'm good.

Yeah, all good.

THUD, GLASS BOTTLES CLATTER

Oh, ya bastard.

Here he is. Looking a bit fresher now, eh?

Aye, I had a shower.

Oh, that's good.

Aye, I found a towel so...

Sit down, sit down.

So, how's it going?

Ach, I'm all right, you know?

Are you getting out and about?

Er...

No, not really, no.

Cannae really face it.

Erm...

Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?

Well, what are YOU having?

Well, we had a coffee after our dinner so I'll have a tea.

What would you like, Eric?

Oh, I'll take a tea as well.

Right, tea for you and I'll take a tea.

What would you like, Colin?

What was the question again?

I'll make a pot.

DOORBELL

Oh! I'll go.

Right.

Ah, Christine.

How's he doing?

I just happened to see him come into you.

Not bad.

He's just popped in for a cup of tea.

Oh, that's good.

And has he told you exactly what's happened yet?

I don't think he's ready to go into all that just yet.

Understandable.

When d'you think he WILL be ready?

I'm just asking as a friend.

Look, come in and say a quick hello, but go easy on him.

Softly, softly.

So she's left you, then?

Christine! Oh...

Apologies, apologies. Too much, too soon.

Let me get sat down.

Here we go. Oh...

So,

she away with somebody else or had she just had enough?

Christine, for God's sake.

No, it's all right, Eric.

It's gonna come out at some point.

What happened was...

Er, hold on wee a minute,

just till I get myself comfy.

That's it. Wee cushion there.

That's it.

Aye. On you go.

So, we were thinking about buying an apartment,

out in Sharm El Sheikh.

Sorry?

Sharm El Sheikh.

Egypt.

Oh, right.

So, anyway...

Why Egypt?

Christine, just let him talk.

Cathy loved it out there. Great weather,

good shops and no bother

about where you can smoke.

So, we'd lined up a couple of places to go and see,

but then I couldn't go

so I says, "Why don't you just go on your own,

"so we don't miss out on it?"

So that was the plan.

She'd go out, look at the apartments,

put a deposit down and head straight back.

But then...

She got stuck in to the duty free and shagged somebody else.

Oh, for goodness' sake.

Was he local? See, that can happen.

When Pat went to the Gambia, she was offered the works

in exchange for her Celtic top.

He was the sales agent at the apartments.

Oh. Ooooh.

He would've been hitting her with all the patter,

turning her head with what could be.

It's like me with that guy with the roller blinds.

If I had not had my wits about me, I could have ended up doing away

with every curtain in my house.

And is she definitely not coming back?

Nope.

She says that's it.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Colin.

There's nothing you could have done.

He could have bought in Tenerife.

Let's just maybe leave it there, eh?

Yes, I think that's enough for now.

Have you spoken to her?

I've left a few messages.

How many? Today?

I-I just, I just can't believe it. I mean, what am I gonna do?

I know this feels awful now, Colin,

but you will get over this.

And we're all here to help, aren't we?

Absolutely. You know,

it's times like these that you need friends around you

and-and we are here for you.

And see if you're burning any clothes,

let me take a look through the bags for you first.

DOORBELL

Oh, hello! Hi!

Hiya, Mum. Gordon's got some news.

Ooh! Oh, come in, come in.

Hi, boys!

Hiya. Sorry to interrupt, but Gordon's got some news.

- I got the job. - Did you?

- I did! - Aw, that's fantastic.

What's this? Gordon's got a new job.

Oh, thank Christ you're away from that stupid car-hire place.

Actually, it's a promotion to branch manager.

Congratulations.

That's great news, I'm really pleased for you.

Cheers, Colin.

Aye, cheers, Colin.

How's everything with you?

Absolutely terrible.

Oh.

Cathy's shacked up with an estate agent in...

Where is it again, Beth?

Sharm El Sheikh.

Egypt, Ian.

Sun all year.

Although you two would

have to pretend to be cousins.

I'm really sorry to hear that, Colin.

Mm. Do you think there's a chance she might come back?

I...I don't know.

Well, at least if you end up having to sell your house,

you've got someone who...

Or maybe one of the local agents would be better.

- So when do you start, then? - End of the month.

Oh, right, quite soon.

What was the interview like? It was quite tough.

There was a woman from head office in Swansea came up for it

and a guy from HR and my area manager.

Ooh. Could you no have saved everybody the bother

and just ticked the box that said you were gay?

I remember MY first promotion.

I'd gone after the sales manager's position at the place

where I was working. Didn't think I had a hope in hell of getting it.

You know, just went in, I was totally relaxed

and just rattled through. Next thing I get the call,

"You've got the job." Aw. And I tell you what,

see that night,

when I went home to tell Cathy,

she was...over the moon.

Was she?

Proper celebrations. You know, like champagne,

takeaway

and then upstairs.

Oh, Jesus.

See that night,

that

was dynamite.

There was not one corner

of that bedroom we were not in.

Anyway, Colin... She was very open-minded as well. I mean,

some of the...some of the stuff she was doing, I mean, well,

I'd only ever seen it on VHS.

Why don't I get on with that tea? Yes, please.

So, Dad, erm...

Was it the wheelbarrow she did, Colin?

So, are you taking care of yourself, Colin?

You look as if you've lost a wee bit of weight.

No, no, I am.

I fried an egg last night.

Oh, that's good. What did you have with it?

Half bottle of Whyte & Mackay.

If you cannae be arsed cooking,

there's a lot of choice now when it comes to meals for one.

Although the single portion is sometimes

a wee bit too wee.

And the one that serves two

is sometimes too big.

You can just keep some for the next night, I suppose.

Aye, you could,

but what you actually do is

hoover the whole fucking lot.

Cooking's quite a good thing to help take your mind off stuff.

It is, isn't it? The night before my interview,

I cooked a big lentil risotto.

Mm, that calmed you down, did it?

Along with the beta blockers and my CBD oil, yeah.

Do you have a few things you can make, Colin?

Well, well, fried eggs,

er, I'm...I'm not bad

at toast,

and I can do oven chips.

Why don't I make you something?

Eh?

Why don't I make you something to eat that you can take away?

Aye. You need to make sure you're getting something decent to eat.

What about a macaroni?

Aw, Mum's macaroni is the best.

Depends on the cheese, Ian.

I've had a few off her, and they've been a bit on the bland side.

Why don't I make you macaroni cheese,

pop it in some Tupperwares and then you'll have something

you can just heat up when you want it.

Aye. Aye, OK, Beth.

And...and thank you, Beth.

You know, somebody should really think about bringing out

a cookbook for single men.

You could do it in sections -

one for when she's just left,

one for when you're getting back on your feet

and one when you've moved on

and you've got another wife.

Well, actually, then you could just throw it away.

I was just thinking, do you want to come and watch me?

Huh? Well, if you watch me make it, then maybe you'll be able

to make it for yourself.

Well. Aye.

Why not, eh? What have I got to lose?

You CAN buy jars or packets,

but I always think it's best made from scratch.

So, butter...

..milk,

flour.

You're going to make yourself a roux.

Now, you take this

and when the butter's melted, you can do some stirring.

Huh?

And, you know, once you know how to make a roux, you can make lots

of different things but, for today,

we're just going to focus on the macaroni.

What am I doing?

Huh?

What is this?

Why am I watching you cooking?

So that you can learn how to make something nice to eat for yourself?

I think you'd better come through.

You all right there, Colin?

What's happened to me, Eric?

Look, you've had a big shock,

but we're all here for you.

You'll get through it.

But I miss her.

And it's not just the sex,

although that was very satisfying,

it's the physical contact,

just having someone to snuggle up with.

I'm on my own noo.

Yeah. There, there, there.

COLIN WHIMPERS

Yeah. That's...that's us.

There you go, there you go, there you go.

Why don't you get a wee bit of fresh air, Colin?

Ian, take Colin out and get him a wee bit of fresh air.

Come on out the back, Colin.

Nice to get out for a wee bit of fresh air.

It is, aye.

Clears the head a bit.

It does, Ian, aye.

I mean,

it is a dump out here,

but even still.

I had a very bad break-up with a guy once.

When I was 20. I couldn't stop crying,

so I went to the doctor.

He put me on antidepressants but I was still crying.

Then one night I went out walking and, um,

Mum didn't know where I was so she called the police

and they came and picked me up.

Anyway, I went back to the doctor

and he upped the dose

and things started to settle down

and then I got back into my badminton again so...

Listen,

I know it might not feel like it at the minute, but it will be OK.

Will it?

Of course it will, it'll just take time.

And you never know, it might even work out for the best.

What do you mean?

Well, you might be better off without her.

And if not,

then maybe try a racquet sport.

What are we going to do?

Well, you should definitely finish the macaroni.

What do YOU think?

I don't know.

We have to try and take his mind off it as best we can.

MUSIC: Theme from Emmerdale

I mean, it's in a nice spot

but they've got a very poor selection

of draught in that Woolpack.

Mm-hm.

Compared to the Rovers, Beth.

Yes. They've got a full line-up of bitter.

Betty used to stand and physically pump it out.

Betty Turpin, Eric?

Mmm.

Aye, she was a big friendly thing.

Are you a fan of the soaps, are you?

Oh, yes. They have been good friends to me, Gordon.

I used to sit when Sophie was wee,

and I would explain who everybody was.

That's Deirdre. She's with Samir.

She used to be married to Ken,

but she had a thing with Mike,

who is now living with Alma,

who previously had been seeing Ken.

The one we always liked was Brookside.

Oh, aye, Bobby and Sheila.

Do you remember Brookside, Colin?

Was that the one that was set in Liverpool?

Yes, it was. Did you watch it?

No.

We watch Hollyoaks sometimes.

Oh, I've never watched that.

Has it got a pub in it?

Yeah... The Dog.

The Dog, yeah.

And what do THEY serve in the way of draught?

Maybe this is a good thing.

What's that, Colin? Maybe it's a good thing.

That's what they were saying out the back.

I might actually be better off without her.

Well, she WAS a bit of a handful.

Aye. Well, you never quite knew what you were going to get, did you?

You knew what SHE was going to get -

fucking plastered.

She liked a drink.

Oh, she'd have taken it

through a shitty cloot.

She used to kiss me on the mouth

and I could always taste stale alcohol.

And cigarettes.

And sometimes mints if she'd been driving.

Well, yeah, she could get a bit carried away.

She was a nightmare.

She'd come in for a cup of tea,

the next thing she's got the wine cracked open

and she's making you sit up till all hours.

She just used you, Mum.

She did, Ian.

She used to invite herself in here all the time.

She did tend to take over a bit.

I thought you were best friends.

Me and Cathy?

Yeah!

Were you not?

Well...

I mean...

The thing about Cathy is, she only cares about herself.

DOORBELL

Oh, hi! Hi, Beth. Sorry to bother you.

You didn't happen to take a parcel in for me, did you?

Oh, yes. Come in, come in.

Hi, Michelle.

Hiya. Oh, so sorry, I didn't realise you had people in.

Hello, Michelle.

Hiya. How you doing?

How are you, Colin?

I'm not bad, Michelle.

Did you hear that Cathy's left him for an estate agent?

Are they going to live in those apartments

or has he got an actual house with a garden?

Aye, all right, Christine.

I'm really sorry, Colin.

Ach, it's OK. They,

they've been saying that it might turn out to be for the best.

Well, yeah. There's still plenty of life in you. Oh, aye.

I never had any trouble with THAT.

Oh, I wasn't meaning anything...

You could meet someone else. Oh, I don't know.

Our neighbour's wife left him

and he met a woman who runs a fish farm.

My friend, Fiona, her partner left her for somebody else,

but she's already engaged to another guy

and he's much better looking, actually. Ooh!

Yeah. And do you know what? See when her divorce came through,

she had a party. Did she?

I mean, it sounds a bit mad, but it was absolutely brilliant.

She invited us all around, she got the champagne open,

sang songs and then she took her wedding ring off

and flushed it down the toilet.

Oh!

CHUCKLING

I lost a charm off

a bracelet down a caravan toilet once.

You remember that, Beth?

I do. It was fully plumbed in,

so there was no chance of sifting through the tank.

Just give it time, Colin.

It's hard going just now but you'll get through it.

Aye, and once you get back out there,

you never know what'll happen.

Aye, but who would I go out with?

I mean, I'm used to going out in a couple.

I don't even know where single people go.

Well, there was a car park

that Pat's son Michael used to drive to,

and that was VERY popular.

You can come out with us if you want. Aye?

Yeah, if you want. Aww.

Thanks boys, that means a lot.

No gay pubs, though, eh?

I just think you'll look back on this in a few years' time

and realise it was all just the way it was meant to be.

Do you know what, you're probably right, Michelle.

And Cath...

I suppose she could be a bit much sometimes, couldn't she?

She was a pain in the arse.

Christine! Aw, come on,

it was like living next door to a fucking hyena.

Well, there was certainly never a dull moment, was there?

Oh, aye. Oh,

remember that time she ended up

on the roof of the garage out there?

The first time I was ever in your house,

she nearly burned the whole place down, do you remember that?

I do, yes.

I've got a good jumper upstairs that still smells of smoke.!

Remember when she went for the Tesco delivery guy with

a golf club because he dropped

her bottle of Bacardi on the driveway?

Do you know what, I'm going to ring her.

What? No, now Colin, h-hold on a minute. I...

No, no, I'm going to ring her, Beth. I want to.

I've got a few last things I want to say to her.

Oh, oh, wait, where's my phone, Beth?

What do you need your phone for?

I'm going to film it.

Right...

RINGING TONE

It's voicemail.

BEEP

Cath, it's me, Colin.

This is the last message I will ever leave you.

Now, I-I know I said that earlier today

and a few times yesterday, but I do mean it.

What we had, Cath...

..it was special

but it's over.

And I accept that.

I'm moving on.

I am feeling positive about the future.

Ian and Gordon have said they'll take me out

to a mainstream venue.

And...and Michelle, well...

..she's as good as promised

to hook me up with some of her pals.

And Beth

has taught me how to make macaroni cheese.

So, this is it, Cath, this is goodbye.

No hard feelings, you take care.

I wish you all the very best.

And by the way,

everyone here thinks

you're a pain in the arse.

Bye now.

Aw,

I forgot to press the button.

Could you do it again?

PHONE ALERT

Oh!

That's Alan, wondering where I am.

What are you going to be doing in this new job, then, Gordon?

Oh, have you got a new job?

Yeah, I got a promotion. I'm going to be managing a team.

Ooh, that's brilliant, congratulations.

When I worked in sales,

WE had a manager who was homosexual.

Did you?

Aye, we-we just ignored him, though.

My friend that I was just talking about,

she's just got a promotion at work as well. Oh, has she?

Is that the one that got the divorce? Yeah.

And she had a party to celebrate it? Yeah.

You know, I can understand that. I can. You know, you just,

just showing everyone that you're ready to move on.

Honestly it was such a good laugh.

We were all singing I Will Survive at the top of our voices.

Oh, that's a classic, that one, isn't it?

Have you got it, Beth? Well, probably have it somewhere.

Well, stick it on.

Well, I'd have to dig it out.

Well, you-you got it on your phone, any one of you?

Go on, put it on. I want to hear it.

MUSIC BEGINS

# At first I was afraid I was petrified

# Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side

# But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong

# And I grew strong and I learned how to get along

# And so you're back from outer space

# I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face

# I should have changed that stupid lock

# I should have made you leave your key

# If I'd have known for just one second

# You'd be back to bother me

# Go on, now, go... #

This is for me. This-this could have been written about me.

# Just turn around now, cos you're not welcome any more

# Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?

# Did you think I'd crumble?

# Did you think I'd lay down and die? #

Mum, we're maybe gonna go. Yes, yes, right.

Yeah, we're maybe gonna get a takeaway on the way home

as a wee treat. Oh, quite right.

I think I'm gonna go too, Beth. Right, OK.

It's a shame I don't pass a takeaway on the way home as well.

Do you want some macaroni to take away with you?

Oh, that's a good idea, Beth.

DOORBELL Oh, that'll be Alan. I'll get it.

# It took all the strength I had not to fall apart... #

Do you know this one, do you, Gordon?

We've heard it a few times, Colin, aye.

DOOR CLOSES

# I used to cry But now I hold my head up high... #

Awright? Oh, hi, Alan.

All right?

Hi, Alan.

I will survive, Alan. I will survive.

As long as I know how to love, eh, Beth?

I've got my tubs of macaroni and I know I'm still alive.

I'm still alive.

- Mm. - Right, come on.

Bye, everyone. Bye, Christine.

Cheerio, son.

Listen, good luck in the job.

Gordon's got a new job.

Right.

I mean, congratulations.

Come on, we'd better head.

We should maybe make a move too.

Sorry, Colin.

MUSIC STOPS

Ah. Any chance of getting that parcel off you, Beth?

Yes, right, of course. Ah, what you been treating yourself to?

Och, it's nothing, really, just a few brochures.

Oh, aye, what for?

Holiday homes.

Oh. It's just got a few. It's just for Portugal,

Lanzarote and a couple down by Malaga

that we've been chatting about, eh?

My mate's got a place, he's away four times a year,

says it's the best thing he's ever done.

Oh, right. Whereabouts is his?

Sharm El Sheikh.

He swears if we go there, we'll no' want to come back.

# Now go, walk out the door

# Just turn around now

# Cos you're not welcome any more

# Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?

# Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die?

# Oh, no, not I

# I will survive

# Oh, as long as I know who to love

# I know I'll stay alive

# I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give... #