Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language.

We still on for tonight? Oh, yeah, you bet.

Cannot wait for you to meet them. Yes, I'm looking forward to it.

Now, you're sure I can't bring anything? Some nibbly bits?

We're not putting out loads of shit.

Thanks anyway.

And tell Ian and Gordon not to bring anything either.

OK, yeah.

Alan and Michelle coming?

They are.

I saw her this morning on her driveway.

Not a drop of make-up on!

SHE GASPS

What a difference.

So, that is you and Eric,

Alan and Michelle,

Ian and Gordon,

and Gail and Andy, obviously.

What about Christine?

What about her?

Oh, Cathy. No, come on.

You can't invite everyone and not say to Christine.

Why not? Well, because she'll feel left out.

OK, well...

..I'll say to Eric not to come, then.

OK, I'll say to her!

But if she starts talking about tinned ham

and leaky bladders,

she is out the door.

HUSHED: Will I open this one?

What is it?

Valpolicella. Did I like that one?

No. Yeah, give them that. OK.

Oh, is that one you brought back with you, then? It is, aye.

It's a nice one, this.

Me and Cath really got into our vino while we were away, didn't we?

Oh, yes, we did.

And our gin and our vodka!

Oh!

Would you like an olive, Ian? Have you ever tried an olive?

So the holiday was good, then, was it?

Aw, it was tremendous, Gordon. What was it like, Cath?

It was bellissimo.

So you picked up some of the language, then?

I did, Beth. I can also say

"white toast" and...

.."clean ashtray".

Whereabouts in Italy were you?

Sorrento.

ITALIAN ACCENT: Sorrento!

Sorrento? Is that north?

You know how Italy's like a boot?

Did you know that, Gordon?

Well, Sorrento's about halfway up, towards the thigh.

It's a thigh-high boot, Gordon.

The one place I'd love to go to is Venice.

Oh, Venice!

Oh. We've been, haven't we, Col?

Aye. What's it like?

It stinks of shit.

DOORBELL RINGS Oh, shh-sh-sh. Right, they're here.

OK, OK, that'll be them. Em...

OK, sit over there, please.

Eric, could you...sit up a bit?

Beth, Beth, tuck your bag in.

Ian, you gonna give us a smile tonight?

THEY SHRIEK

Hiya!

Oh, my God.

Oh, mwah!

Oh, it's so good to see you, missus.

Hi, Andy. All right. How are you doing, Cathy?

I'm good, thanks. Look at you, you big...

..ride.

Aw.

Anyway, so how are you?

Oh, we're fine, yeah.

It's rubbish being back, though, innit? Oh, it is, Gail.

I mean, that's the thing about being away,

it makes you realise what a shithole Scotland actually is.

SHE CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY

Come on in!

GAIL SQUEALS

COLIN: I'm getting...

HE SNIFFS

...plums and strawberries.

But there's something else.

Is it...grapes?

Aye.

Maybe a wee touch of grapes, Eric, aye.

Look who I found!

Oh, there they are!

Oh, good to see you again.

Oh, hiya, Colin.

How are you doing, Colin? You all right?

Aw, bring it in, big guy.

THEY CHUCKLE

Aw, Gail, how are you doing, sweetheart?

You look incredible.

Oh. Doesn't she look incredible?

You should see her in a swimsuit.

Gail, I would like you to meet our neighbours. This is Beth.

Hiya.

And this, believe it or not, is her husband, Eric.

How you doing? Excuse me not getting up. It's these sofas.

Once I get myself sat down,

I cannae really get back up again.

Everyone else can, Gail. It's just him.

And this is Ian and Gordon.

Now, Ian is Beth and Eric's son.

Hiya. How are you doing? Hi. How are you doing? Hey, you OK?

And they're a gay couple, Andy.

Yeah, he's her gay son.

Aye. We knew when he was young, so...

So you guys all met on holiday, then, did you?

We did, yeah. We were staying in the same hotel.

What a place it was. Wasn't it, Andy?

Yeah, it was good.

Was that your first time in Italy?

No, been a few times. Love it.

Gail and Andy travel a lot.

She's even got a separate bit in her purse for euros.

Right, now, I know you're not much of a drinker, Gail...

Me? No, I never touch it.

CATHY LAUGHS

She's lying, she loves drinking.

Beth, wait till you see her...

WHISPERS: Wait till you see her drink.

Wee glass of red do you? Go on, then.

Andy? Yeah, whatever, sure.

Fucking brilliant!

WHISPERS: Not that one.

OK.

So is it always that one bit of Italy you go to?

No, we're like Cathy's tan.

We go all over.

Oh!

LAUGHTER

I go topless when I'm on holiday, Gordon.

WHISPERS: Even when I'm eating my lunch.

You guys been to Italy?

Er, no, no, but funnily enough,

I was just saying earlier, I'd like to. I've been.

Sh, Gordon, let the men talk.

You should go. You'd love it.

We always end up in Spain, don't we? Mm.

Fucking Malaga.

I was just saying, they'd love Italy, wouldn't they?

Ah, it's way outside their price range, Andy.

They could go Ryanair, Col.

Aye, Ryanair maybe goes. Aye.

You can get a Ryanair to Venice now, can you not?

I was saying earlier, I'd love to go to Venice.

Oh, it's stunning, Beth. We love it.

Love Venice, Gail.

That's right up at the top of the boot, Gordon.

ERIC CLEARS THROAT

Oh. Thank you.

Not a problem, Gail, honey.

Mm. Oh, that is nice.

Oh, that's lovely, isn't it, Beth?

We brought a fair bit of duty-free back,

I have to say, didn't we, Cath?

Fucking shedloads.

Cath, take Gail through and show her what there is.

Yeah? Aye!

Show her all your fags as well!

Come on. Oh.

Cheers, Andy.

Cheers.

So, what've you been up to since you've been back?

Just work.

Oh, I was out at the golf yesterday.

Ah, were you, aye? Andy plays off two.

Listen, we need to get a game sometime.

Sure could do, yeah.

What about you guys? Do you play?

No point asking them,

he widnae last 18 holes.

The only clubs that they're interested in are the ones

that hand out johnny bags on the door.

COLIN CHUCKLES

And this one is good with red meat, apparently.

We'll wait and open that with a burger.

And this one is... It's...

Well, it's...it's a white.

Well, that will be nice with fish, then. It is, Gail.

I had a tuna sandwich out the garage the other day for lunch,

and it was fantastic with it!

And this one is...

..14% and it has a picture of a donkey on the front.

SHE CHUCKLES

We hardly brought anything back this time. No?

Well, apart from the limoncello.

We always bring a bottle of that back from Italy.

Are you...are you thinking of going back next year?

I think we're gonna go back to the same place, you know?

No way. Are you?

Well, why not? We really liked it.

I mean, everything about it was perfect.

God, you know, we're thinking of going to the same place as well.

Really? Mm.

Oh, my God.

Why don't we just go at the same time?

Well, yeah!

Absolutely.

We met a gay couple from Newcastle when we were in Lanzarote, you know.

Great guys. Really?

What's their names?

Yanni and Alex.

Yanni and Alex?

Here, Ian, do you know a Yanni and Alex from Newcastle?

We're still in touch with a couple we met in France.

Are you really? Well, it's just Ken now.

Aye, she...she died. Aw.

And to be honest, he's heading the same way,

judging by the handwriting in that last Christmas card.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh.

S'cuse me a second, Andrew.

We got a text from a Danish guy we met in a hostel in Barcelona.

Oh, that's nice.

It was really to let us know that he'd had pubic lice,

so to be on the lookout.

GAIL AND CATHY LAUGH

Andy, they've got limoncello.

Oh, have they?!

Oh, do you remember we had them after that meal?

Oh, God, that was the night he had that massive steak.

Oh, my God, I loved that night!

Beth, Beth, you should see him eating a steak. It's brilliant.

Hi.

Oh, welcome.

Oh, hiya. Hi, Michelle. All right, Michelle? Hi, Alan.

All right? Buonasera, Alan.

Whit?

Gail, I'd like you to meet Michelle.

She lives across the road.

Hiya, Michelle.

Hi, pleased to meet you.

This is Alan. How you doing, Alan?

I'm Andy. Nice to meet you, pal.

Andy's my partner.

And Alan is hers.

I know!

Sit down. Sit down, everyone.

Alan, don't squash Andy.

How're you doing, Eric? You all right?

I'm good, Alan, aye.

Were yous away on holiday as well?

No.

Right, just them. Got it.

Glass of wine, Michelle?

Oh, lovely. Al, you want a glass of wine?

Aye. What would you like?

Well, a beer, but she said I've to take what I'm offered.

I'll grab you a beer.

BETH WHISPERS: Cath.

Cathy?

Yes, Beth, darling?

Did you say to Christine?

Yes, Beth, I did.

So do you guys live around here as well?

Not far, aye. We come over quite a lot.

At least he's stopped bringing his washing over.

Oh! Aye. I only come now when I need to borrow money.

ERIC CHUCKLES

My family are dead close.

We're always round at my mum's.

Oh, well, that's nice.

My parents actually live in England.

Oh! Sh, Gordon, don't start going on about Yorkshire.

Oh, whereabouts in Yorkshire? Skipton.

Oh. Skipton, Gail.

Skipton. Beautiful down there.

So, you had a good holiday, then, did you, Cathy?

Oh, it was amazing. Wasn't it, Gail?

Yeah, it was great. It's such a lovely place.

We're all going again next year.

Wow. Well, it must've been good, then.

I mean, you obviously got the good weather.

Every day was a scorcher, Michelle.

It was up in the 90s every single day.

Oof. Oh. Oh, no, no. That's too hot for me.

I would just burn.

Well, you could just sit inside, then, Eric.

Were you sweatin' in yer beds?

What? Were you sweating...

..in your beds at night?

No, the rooms had air con.

Right, that's good. What was I like in Greece, Michelle? Ah.

I was sweating right the way through the night,

even though I was in the scud. Yup.

Alan drives a van, Gail.

Right. Here we go.

Thanks, Colin. So what's this, then?

That's a Valpolicella.

Mm.

We're actually trying to decide on somewhere

for next summer ourselves.

Oh, are you, Michelle? Where are you thinking?

I've said Orlando. You been there?

No. Well, we don't have kids, so...

So we're free to go where we want.

We are.

Beth, you been to Orlando?

N-No.

Whereabouts is it you were again?

Sorrento.

Ian, have you?

Alan...

Oh, the whole of the Amalfi Coast is absolutely beautiful.

Aye, it's very romantic, Michelle. Isn't it, Cathy?

Oh, yeah, he was never off me the whole week.

Where is Amalfi? Is it north?

It's middle. You know, like Naples, Capri, Pompeii?

Well, you certainly know your stuff.

I always say you can't go wrong with a holiday in Scotland.

Yeah, you do always say that. Try not saying it?

Listen, I can remember a few holidays we had

in Scotland that went wrong.

BETH GROANS

Don't mention the caravan.

Oh, God.

Oh, no, what was that? No, I wanna hear this.

Gail, more wine, honey?

Let's just say we booked for a week

and lasted one night.

It was not the best.

Was it one of those chemical toilets?

Well, the thing is, they just mask the smell.

They don't actually break stuff down.

DOORBELL RINGS

Excuse me a wee second.

Cheers, everyone.

ALL: Cheers. Lovely to meet you.

Hi, Colin. Sorry I'm late. No bother.

I was waiting on my Asda online getting delivered. Aw, right?

Just the two substitutions this week.

Oh, that's no bad. Yeah,

but tinned fruit cocktail instead of peaches I can live with,

but I'm fucked if I'm making a steak pie

out of two turkey burgers and a pork medallion.

That was hilarious!

I mean, they clean the pool every day anyway, don't they?

Ah, here we are.

Oh, hi, Christine. Oh, hiya, Christine.

Hiya. Hi, you all right?

Christine, this is Gail and Andy.

They're good friends that we go on holiday with.

Oh, right.

Wait till I get sat down, eh?

Over there, Col. Stick her over there.

That's us. Oh, right. Thanks.

All right. Thank you.

How are you, Christine?

Ah, not bad, Michelle, not bad.

Big shop just delivered. Mm!

Big pack of Wagon Wheels, Alan.

Your friend and mine.

Aw, Cath, the Strongbow's on offer as well.

Big two-litre job?

Saves you pissing about with they cans.

Colin, would you like to get Christine a wee drink?

Christine, a glass of Italian wine?

Mm. Aye, all right. OK.

Oh, and don't you be having the good stuff

and papping the rest of us off with the cheap crap.

So, do you stay...is it next door?

Yes, that's correct.

Oh, it must be fun, eh, living next to these two?

I could tell you some stories.

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

She's quite a character, Gail,

but she gets a bit wandered.

Settle down, Christine. Sit nice.

Did she ever tell you about the time

that I heard her being sick on the slabs out the back,

and I thought it was two foxes mating?

GAIL LAUGHS

Eh, Colin, Christine's wine, right now.

So, did you stay around the pool most days,

or did you go to the beach?

No, we were at the beach quite a bit as well.

Were you?

I love swimming in the sea. Mm.

Was there jellyfish?

Pat and I went to Rome. Aye, that's right.

A once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Aw! When I was there with my school trip,

the new Pope was getting selected

and we saw the smoke coming out of the roof.

Oh!

That's nothing compared to what came out

of Pat's kitchen window

once she got wired into her duty-free.

LAUGHTER

WHISPERS: We'll need to watch our time.

Oh, God, isn't it going to look a bit rude if we go now?

Listen, she only invited us

to show off her new pals and her tan, which she's definitely

not been topping up down at the old electric beach.

You guys all right for drinks?

Oh, yeah. Andy was just saying the beach was nice.

Ah, it's beautiful. Really clean.

And the water was...

God, it was crystal clear.

I didn't see one poly bag the whole time, Michelle.

I was in the sea every morning.

Oh, were you? Yeah.

Then I did me gym at night.

Wow, the gym on holiday.

Wow. That's proper dedicated, that is.

Gotta try and stay in shape, you know?

You can see you work out.

I went to the gym.

I was at the gym too.

It was...

..it was all right.

These hotel gyms, though, you know,

you don't really get the full range of weights and stuff.

Rowing machine was all right, though, did...

..did, eh, half an hour on that.

Half an hour on the rowing machine?

Aye.

My...my God, that's quite a lot.

Nah, it's nothing.

All right if I use your loo, Colin?

Aye, sure. It's just in the hall here.

Actually, come here. I'll show you.

Good, isn't it? Oh, it's lovely.

Is it the Barolo? It is.

So, you enjoying yourself, aye?

Oh, smashing, yeah.

They're nice, the couple from across the road.

Alan and Michelle?

Oh, aye, they're good spuds.

See, Andy, between you and me, she's...

..she's got a wee bit of a thing for me.

Who?

Michelle. Has she?

Oh, right.

It's just one of these things, you know,

a pretty young lassie, a mature, dominant male.

I do my best to keep her at arm's length, obviously.

Right.

But just in case she tries to use you to get to me...

Right.

OK.

Well, I'll look out for that. Good man.

Right, that's you in there.

Fire away, big chap.

Eric, what's that on there beside you?

Olives. Ah, Jesus Christ.

Have they not got any crisps or nothing?

No, it's all Italian.

Why Italian? Cos they're just back from Italy.

That's where they've been on their holidays.

So what? I went to Blackpool, but I didn't start serving up

fucking candyfloss to folk when they came through the door.

Well, it's putting me in mind of booking something.

Oh.

Aye, a taxi.

Mykonos...

What's her name again?

Who? The new pal?

WHISPERS: Gail.

Ah. I've hardly said two words to her since I came in.

Here. Hey, Gail, Gail.

Come here a wee minute.

Gail's a bit busy at the moment, Christine.

No, no, no. It's fine. I'll go and say hello.

You park your arse next to me.

We can have a wee chat, eh?

Right, come on, let's just go.

I still think it's too soon.

You all right, Gordon? All right, Ian?

All good, thanks. Yeah.

Mm. So you met this one on holiday, did you?

We did, yeah. I heard the Scottish accent

beside the pool one day, you know.

Oh, aye. What was it saying?

"Two sunbeds and a litre of vodka please, Luigi"?

Aye, but you can get passes

so you don't need to wait in the queues.

I just don't fancy it. If I go on holiday,

I don't want to be trailing around.

I just want to lie down on a lounger beside a pool.

A wee snooze under the umbrella, eh?

Oh, well, I'm naughty, actually.

I like to lie out in the sun most of the day.

Oh, that's naughty, naughty, very naughty.

So what was the pool like in your hotel?

Oh, it was really nice, actually. Wasn't it, Colin?

It was, aye.

I went in with the snorkel,

and the tiling work was out of this world.

Could you wear shorts in it?

What?

My mate went to a campsite in France

and he wasn't allowed to wear shorts in the pool.

He had to wear Speedos.

I wear Speedos anyway.

Do you? Well, yeah.

They're better if you want a proper swim.

Wee pair of budgie-smugglers?!

I was swimming too.

Were you wearing Speedos?

Well, no. But I do have some. I do wear them.

Do you? Oh, aye, wee red ones.

And they've got a wee bit of netting at the front,

so you can sort of double-bag things.

But I... I didn't have them, I just had my shorts.

And that way, you know, I could get my swim,

get dried off and then hit the gym.

Were you definitely going to the gym at the hotel?

Oh, aye, I was in there every day.

I was...I was hitting it hard, so I was.

That's weird.

I never saw you in there the whole time.

No, I was...

Aw, look at that, yer dirty bastard.

Shit.

No, I-I'm all right. It's all right, Michelle.

Just a total accident.

Dear me, look at that.

Right down my good Lacoste.

Wait, and I'll get you a cloth.

No, no, no. I'll just go and stick something else on.

I'll be...I'll be two ticks.

Aw.

Algarve.

That was the last time I went abroad, Gail. Portugal.

Oh, it's beautiful. All that gorgeous, golden sand.

Mm, gorgeous to look at,

no so gorgeous when you're sat on a bidet

trying to hose it out of the crack of your arse.

To be honest, at my age,

I'm no bothered about going and lying on a beach.

You ever thought about a cruise?

Oh, fuck, no.

One person eats a dodgy prawn, and the next thing you know,

they're turning the casino into a shithouse.

You remind me so much of my gran.

All right, Gail?

Gail, shout if you want rescued.

Eh?

No, no, no, no. I'm fine.

We actually took her to Italy. Didn't we, Andy?

Eh?

Remember we took my gran to Italy?

Oh, yeah, we did, to be fair.

Oh, she loved everything Italian.

Pavarotti. She loved him. Oh, yes.

Oh, Pavarotti!

I like Pavarotti.

Oh, Pavarotti. I love Pavarotti, Gail.

What was that one he did again?

ITALIAN ACCENT: Nessun Dorma.

Nessun Dorma. Nessun Dorma, yeah!

# Lah-dah-dah-dah-dah Dah-dah! #

Hey, hey, hey!

CHRISTINE: Aye, good on you, Eric.

You've maybe not got the voice,

but you've certainly got the belly.

LAUGHTER

The minute you hear opera,

you just think about Italy, don't you?

Yeah. Yes.

I'll tell you the one that makes me think of Italy.

HUMS Shaddap You Face

BOTH: # It's-a not so bad It's-a nice-a place

# Ah, shaddap-a you face. #

Ah, shaddap-a you face!

Agh...

Yeah, all right, OK. That's enough of that shit.

Oh, leave her alone. Honestly, Gail,

you give her a glass of wine, she thinks she's fucking Susan Boyle.

Oh, you've changed your top.

Eh? Oh, aye.

I spilt wine down my shirt. By accident.

Huh.

Looking good there, Colin.

Thanks, Gail. Sorry.

Cathy.

What is it? Do you want a drink?

Oh, Gordon, would you like some more alcohol,

bring out your personality a bit?

No, we actually need to go.

What? Yeah,

we've said we'll go and visit our friends Morven and Lynn.

Morven and Lynn?

Yeah, Lynn's been promoted

and Morven's organised a wee get-together. Oh, well,

a lesbian with a pay rise - you can't miss that.

Well, maybe another half hour, then?

Nice top.

I just grabbed the first thing I could find, Michelle.

Go on, Colin, show us your muscles.

Apparently, he was in the gym every day while we were away.

Oh, go on, then. Show us the guns.

OK.

GRUNTS

Oh, Colin!

CHUCKLES

Whoo!

Look at that. Whoo!

GRUNTING

Go on, Col!

That reminds me,

I got a wee discount chicken in my shopping earlier -

I'll need to get it boiled up for stock.

LAUGHTER

Andy, show us yours. No.

Oh, come on. Show us your muscles.

Oh, leave him alone, eh? He's enjoying his drink.

Oh, go on, Andy.

Yeah, go on. All right, Gordon,

don't start getting all gay and horny.

WHISPERS

Wait till you see this.

Oh?

Ooh. Wow!

Look at that!

WHOOPING

Whoo!

Look at that. Bloody hell.

Now, that's what I call a six-pack. CHRISTINE: Yes, indeed.

That's enough.

I was quite enjoying that.

All right, Beth, keep your knickers on, love.

Gail, shall we have a little limoncello?

No, no, no. I'm fine. Oh, come on.

Honestly, Cathy, I'm fine with my wine.

We're having a limoncello, missus - we've got a holiday to plan.

What about sit-ups?

Eh?

Can you do sit-ups?

Course I can. How many?

What?

How many sit-ups can you do?

Erm, dunno. Never really counted, to be honest.

I can do...175.

Can you? Very good.

Don't believe me?

No, no, I do.

I'll show you.

Colin...

Aye. You'll enjoy this, Michelle.

What is he doing?

Some sit-ups.

This is ridiculous.

Right...

One, two, three...

Alan, hold my feet.

Eh? Hold my feet.

WHISPERS: Help him.

..four, five,

six,

seven,

eight...

GRUNTS

..ten.

Let go of my feet.

Alan, let go of my fucking feet!

Jeez-oh...

Right, I've had enough.

Are you all right, Colin?

I'm fine, I just...

I just need a minute.

Limoncello!

What's he doing? Sit-ups.

Right, come on. Cathy, we're gonna head off.

Oh, all right, off you go, then.

Everybody say goodbye to the dullest gays in the world!

Cathy! All right, Cathy.

Away you go to your party, boys.

She only wanted you here

to make it look as if she had loads of pals.

Right, that's it. You can go as well.

What? Yeah, I didn't want to invite you. She made me.

Cathy, for God's sake. Come on, it's time to go.

You've bored Gail enough. Up you get.

Cathy, you are out of order. You have not bored me.

Gail, you don't have to be nice to her.

Everybody knows she's a boring old cow.

Hey, that's a bit much, Cath.

Oh, is it, Eric? Ah, well, nobody really cares what you think.

Hey!

Come on, Andy. Eh?

We're going. What? Oh, Gail...

You know, the way you treat your friends is shocking.

They have been nothing but nice to us all evening.

I mean, fair enough, it's a weird mix of people,

but they have been very decent,

and I will not sit here and listen to any more of this.

Oh, and see next year...?

Book somewhere else.

We're going to head.

Keep up the training, eh?

Aye, will do.

I'll see you.

Cheerio, Andy. Bye, Andy.

See you later, Andy. Bye.

Fucking prick.

MUSIC: O Sole Mio