Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language

DOOR CLOSES

Oh, that was quick.

Did you get milk? Aye.

Look what else I got.

Oh, what's that?

Doughnuts.

Christ, how many did you get?

12. Family bundle.

12 doughnuts, between two of us?

I just thought they'd be nice with a coffee.

We'd need to open our own Costa to get through all them.

Well, what do you want me to do with them?

I don't know, but we're no' sitting here eating 12 doughnuts.

What in God's name's a family bundle anyway?

Two plain rings, two raspberry, two fudge sundaes,

two chocolate dreamies, two apple pie,

one caramel custard, one white chocolate cheesecake.

I think.

MUSIC: S.O.B. by Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats

Oh, hello. Oh, hiya, Beth.

Listen, Alan's bought a whole load of doughnuts

and we'll never eat them all. Would you and Eric like some?

Erm, well...

It's a family bundle, Beth.

I only went in to get milk and panty liners, as well!

Oh, they look lovely.

Wee bit of jam missing from that one,

but apart from that, they've not been touched.

Take as many as you want. Erm...

Well, let's not stand here and do this. Come in.

Eric!

Oh, hi, Michelle. Hi, Alan.

Hi, Eric. Listen, sorry to disturb you,

it's just we've got these doughnuts,

and I was just saying to Beth, there's far too many of them for us,

so we just wanted to see if you might like some.

Oh, that's nice. That'd be nice with a cup of tea, eh?

That's what I says, Eric.

Cup of tea and a doughnut, you cannae beat it.

Yes, a doughnut, Alan, not 12.

Oh, he's the same - terrible sweet tooth.

I have to hide the KitKats. Oh.

Try in behind the microwave, Eric.

Well, look, please help yourself, because we'll never eat them all.

OK, then. Cannae have them go to waste, eh?

Let's have a look.

What have we got? Two plain rings, two raspberry, two fudge sundaes,

two chocolate dreamies, two apple pie, one caramel custard,

and that one there's a white chocolate cheesecake.

Jeezo, some selection, eh?

Family bundle, Eric.

Is there any you don't like?

No' really, Beth, no.

What you going to go for?

Erm... I don't know. I'll just take whichever's smallest.

Plain ring, Beth?

Erm... No, I think I'll have a raspberry one.

I'm going to have a fudge one.

Aw, you sure that's all yous want?

Yes, yes, that'll do us.

I mean, there's still tonnes.

SHE STAMMERS

No, honestly, we're fine.

That's all they want.

I don't know what we're going to do with them all.

Is there anyone else that might want one?

Erm...

Oh, hi, Alan, son. All right?

You all right?

I'm waiting on this boilerman coming to see about my hot water.

How, what's wrong with it?

Well, it's fucking cold. That's what's wrong wi' it.

Ah. I've not had a bath or a shower since Thursday.

It's like Glastonbury in there.

Anyway, what can I do you for?

You want a doughnut?

Oh, where'd you get this fae?

I bought a box of them. Michelle says there's too many.

Oh, are you sure?

Aye. Go for it, aye.

Oh, I do love a wee doughnut wi' a cup of tea.

Aye, it's the bollocks, in't it? Mm-hm.

As long as you're sure you're no' leaving yourself short.

No, Eric and Beth have chosen theirs and there's still quite a few left.

They got to choose theirs?

Right, that's me in, Alan. Ta, son. DOOR SHUTS

Ooh. Where's these doughnuts, till I get a look at them.

Oh, hi, Christine.

Right, what's left?

Hi, Christine.

That's chocolate something or other,

and there's jam in that...

Is that cinnamon on the top of that?

Aye, that's apple pie.

That's plain rings, that's a raspberry,

that's a fudge sundae, that's chocolate dreamies,

that's your caramel custard,

that there is your white chocolate cheesecake.

Mm. Just help yourself, Christine, don't mind us.

What have you got? Fudge sundae.

What about you, Beth? Erm, raspberry.

Mmm.

Caramel and custard.

Yes! Right, is that everyone?

Ah, yes.

You couldn't gimme a wee bit of kitchen roll, could you, Beth?

Thanks. Awful sticky, aren't they?

Oh, aye.

Hey, no' as bad as a yum yum, though.

Oh, you'd give Spider-Man a run for his money after one of them.

There you go.

Aw, bless you, Beth, bless you.

Right, that's us all set.

SHE CHUCKLES

How'd you end up wi' all these, Alan?

I just wanted something with a cup of tea.

Oh, a doughnut wi' a cup of tea - match made in heaven, eh?

Mm?

I'm just saying, a doughnut wi' a cup of tea, Beth, eh?

Mm-hm.

They go well together, don't they?

Right, is everyone wanting a cup of tea?

Aye, please, Beth. If you're making one.

Oh, aye, Beth. That would be lovely.

Aye. Thanks, Beth.

She got there in the end, Alan, eh?

I'd better watch my time.

I've got a guy coming to look at my boiler.

Is that still no' working? Nope.

What a pain. You're telling me.

Three days to get an engineer out!

Oh, and the lassie says,

"We're experiencing a high volume of calls."

I said, "I'm experiencing

"a high volume of washes at the fucking sink."

You should have said.

You could have came over and had a bath or a shower at ours.

Oh, no.

I'm...I'm funny about getting undressed

in other people's houses, Michelle.

You were fine that time you stayed here.

I had no idea you were coming up those stairs, Eric.

BETH: Right, here we are.

Aw, that's magic, Beth. Cheers.

Here we go. So, ha-ha.

Aye. That us?

Right.

Aye. Come on.

Mm! Oh, God. Mmm.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, hello. Hi.

Mm?

Sorry to bother you - we've just moved in across the road

and just wanted to pop over and say a quick hello.

Oh! Right. Of course.

Erm, sorry. Sorry, erm...

I'm Iqbal. I'm Ash.

Hi, I'm Beth. Lovely to meet you.

Erm...

Do you want to come in?

Are you sure? We don't want to interrupt you.

Oh, nobody bothers about that round here. Come on in.

Come in, come in.

DOOR SHUTS

Oh, hiya. Oh, erm...

I didn't know you had people in.

Oh, no, no, no. It's fine.

Everybody, this is Ash and Iqbal.

Hi. Hiya. Hello.

They've just moved in across the road into the Grants' old house.

ALL: Oh!

Great!

How you doing? Eric, pleased to meet you.

Hi. Hi.

Hello. Oh, sorry. Oh, I'm sorry.

I've just been eating a wee doughnut. Kind of a bit...

It's my husband.

Yeah.

Right, and this is Alan and Michelle.

Hiya.

They live a couple of doors up from you on the same side.

Oh. Hi there.

Sorry, excuse me. I'm Michelle.

Hi. I'm Al'n.

Sorry?

Al'n.

Oh. OK.

And this is Christine.

Hello there.

Hi.

I must apologise,

I'm in my dressing gown.

My boiler's on the blink.

Oh, God, that's...that's annoying.

Oh, well, three days I've been waiting on an engineer.

Oh, gosh, you poor thing.

Mm-hm.

It's no' a bath I'm needing, it's a fucking sheep dip.

Ha-ha. Erm... Have a seat, have a seat.

Thank you.

Can I get you a tea or a coffee?

Oh, no, I'm fine, thank you. Ash?

Oh, no, I've had my coffee already today.

There's doughnuts there if you'd like one.

Oh, no, thank you.

Erm, no, thank you. You sure?

They're out of Asda.

Oh, no, honestly, we're fine.

So when did you move in?

Yesterday. Oh, not long.

And how was the move? Yeah, it was fine.

Ash had everything labelled, didn't you?

Yeah, we were pretty organised, so it all went quite smoothly.

Oh, that's good.

They say it's the most stressful thing

you can do, is move house, don't they? Aye, aye.

They've never tried getting a pilot light going

wi' a damp box of Swan Vestas.

It's a lovely house you've got.

Ah.

Oh, it is, aye. A smashing house.

Was it the Grants that had the big Alsatian?

Aye, erm... Sheba.

Ah, Sheba.

Any smell of dog left in the house?

Erm... Erm, not that we noticed, no.

Erm... Beth, I'm really sorry to hassle you,

but you don't have any wipes or anything, do you?

Oh, yes, sure.

Oh, sorry, could I have one as well, please? Thank you.

You never had a doughnut.

Sorry?

You never had one - how come you're sticky?

Erm, I-I sho...

Oh, ah, that was me. Sorry about that.

Sorry. Oh, no, no, no.

It was us that interrupted your doughnut time.

Oh, no, no. This isn't a set thing we do,

it was just a spur of the moment thing.

Alan brought them in. Oh. It's a family bundle.

You sure you don't want one?

No, honestly, we're fine.

I can highly recommend the caramel and custard, Ash.

Oh.

There was only one of them.

You snooze, you lose.

So where have you moved from?

London. London? Oh, really?

You been on the London Eye?

Erm, you know what, I don't think I have. No.

So what's brought you up here?

Ah, well, it was after we came up on holiday last year.

Oh, is that right? Yeah, yeah.

We didn't want to go abroad, so we were looking for

somewhere in the UK.

Our friends had been up here and they really enjoyed it, so...

Yeah, we found this great little eco lodge

just near Fort William, and we were absolutely blown away, weren't we?

Yeah, it was amazing. Mm.

Wet wipe? Oh, thank you.

Yeah, we went to some amazing beaches.

We saw dolphins, otters, deer...

Do you remember the stars at night?

Oh, my God, it was incredible. There was no light pollution at all.

I mean, you could see everything.

Was there bats?

Hmm.

It was a really amazing experience.

Yeah. The best holiday we've had in our lives.

We're booked up for Turkey in October.

Oh, great, whereabouts?

Dunno. 400 for the week.

That's wi' the one bag, though.

Erm... Anyway as soon as we got home, we just thought,

"What are we doing, why are we living in London?"

Well, it is good for the shops.

You been in NikeTown? Alan.

Erm... So we put the flat on the market, sold it, and that's us.

That's terrific. Yes, it is.

I hope you'll be very happy here.

And if there's anything you need to help you settle in

or feel at home, you just let us know.

Thank you, that's so sweet.

We might not be able to give you the weather,

but we can give you a warm welcome.

DOORBELL RINGS

Ah, Christ, who's this now?

HONKING

Ah, heya.

Fucking fanny.

All right, Colin?

See that for sale sign's down across the road?

D'you know how much they got for it? I don't know, Colin.

I mean, it's a dump compared to ours.

We've got the Monoblock, the extension at the back and the bidet.

They've got that big manky Alsatian roaming the place

and that's ten grand off right away, Eric, know what I mean?

The new folk are actually in having a cup of tea at the minute.

Oh, are they? Aye.

You want to come in?

Aye, well, it's only manners. Right.

Hey! Oh, hi, Colin.

Is this the new kids on the block, is it?

Welcome, welcome.

That's a beautiful house you've got yourself there.

Oh, thank you very much.

Apparently, they cannae smell the dog.

What dog? Big Sheba.

Oh, aye, aye. What kind was she again?

Alsatian.

Alsatian, that's right.

I'd forgotten all about her.

Maybe when you hoover, Ash, the hair'll circulate again.

Mm.

Ash, is it?

Erm, yes. Thank you. I'm Colin.

And you're?

Iqbal. Iqbal, good to meet you.

How much did you pay for that across there? Oh, for...

Colin, I don't think you need to ask that.

No, true. I'll look it up on Zoopla later on.

Colin lives just one along on this side.

Oh.

It's similar to the one you guys have got,

except ours would be valued a lot higher.

They've moved here from London, Colin.

London, really?

You got an Oyster card?

Yes. You cannae use it here.

What brought yous up here, then?

Oh, well, we came up for a holiday last year,

and really loved the place, so we thought, why not move here?

You came on holiday here?

Oh, no, no, no. We were up near Fort William.

Oh.

We rented an eco lodge. Yeah.

Were you allowed to use loo roll?

Beth. Beth.

D'you think they're maybe running away from something?

You know, like debt or store cards or that?

We did actually think about buying up there,

but then we thought it might be a bit too remote

to actually live, you know.

Well, we're very happy with where we ended up, aren't we?

Yeah, it's great.

Is there much needing done to it?

Well, the carpets need a fucking shampoo for a start.

We were going to put a new kitchen in.

ALL: Ooh!

We both love cooking, but I mean, there's no rush,

we'll just get ourselves settled in first. Mm.

Well, if you need a hand getting your bearings, just shout. Mm-hm.

Aye, there's a big Morrisons up the top there, Ash. Oh, right.

There used to be a wee local shop, but that's away now. Aye.

They cannae compete with the bigger stores, you see. Aye.

It was really just the poppers and the single fags

that kept him going as long as it did.

There's plenty of nice places to go for a walk,

if you like that kind of thing.

Yeah, yeah. That... That sounds nice.

Aye, there's a wee lane at the end of the street,

and it takes you to a nice woody bit.

Oh, is there really? Aye. Oh, it's lovely.

I go up there to tip the oil out my frier.

Well, there's Loch Lomond, I mean, that's not far.

Oh, it's gorgeous up there. Yeah.

Yeah, we had friends who went camping up there.

Oh, they said it was brilliant, so we're definitely

going to give that a try. Yeah. Aye, well, they've banned that now.

Oh, what?

Aye, too many people starting fires and leaving rubbish.

Aye, and taking dumps without digging a wee hole.

Mm. Dirty bastards.

That's a shame, we were really looking forward to that, weren't we?

Well, you can definitely go for a day trip.

Aye. Just watch where you're standing, you'll be fine.

Aye. You won't have to go far.

I mean, couple of hours in the car from here,

you'll hit some great wee spots.

Well, that's why we chose it -

we wanted somewhere that was close to work

but somewhere that was, you know,

handy for getting out to explore and...

And what is it you do? We work for the NHS.

ALL: Oh! Ooh!

Respect. Oh, no. No, no, no.

Naw, respect to yous both.

No, no, no, it's fine. No, no, no.

Listen... No, no, you really, really don't have to do that.

Heroes.

You really don't have to do that.

Two heroes.

We were all out clapping every Thursday, weren't we?

I was out there with my pot and my spoon.

I didnae do that.

We've got Le Creuset, you know, and they're very heavy.

What bit is it you work for?

Well, I'm a consultant in public health. Aye.

What's that?

Penpusher, Al.

What about yourself?

Erm...I'm a doctor.

ALL: Ooooh!

Oh, a doctor.

Do you do shoulders?

No, no. I'm in cardiology.

Cardiology, eh? Here, Beth,

you're all right if he takes a heart attack now,

just shout over the road.

HE LAUGHS

Oh.

Ho!

THEY LAUGH

Here, Beth, can you hear that clicking

when I do that with my shoulder?

That's quite specialist, isn't it?

Take you a while to qualify?

Yeah. Seven years. Seven years, wow.

Took me two to get my forklift.

Is that seven years in medical school?

Erm, no, five, and then two years as a junior doctor.

That's when we met.

Oh, was it?

Was she a nurse? No. No.

No, I was on secondment

to a public health unit in the same hospital.

So did you no' get good enough grades to be a doctor, then, Ash?

Sorry?

It's all A's you need, isn't it?

I got a B in woodwork.

Erm, no, I-I just never wanted to go down that road, really.

I always quite fancied being a detective.

The hours junior doctors have to do are terrible, aren't they?

I mean, what is it, 70, 80 hours a week?

Yeah. I mean, the hours can be long and it is hard work,

but you just have to get through it.

Oh, but it must be very rewarding.

Oh, yeah, it really is. It really makes you feel

like you're making a difference in someone's life.

Mm. You see?

If you had stuck in, Ash, that could have been you.

What about A&E, did you ever work there?

Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, you have to -

it's all part of your training.

So you'll have seen a lot of shoulders, then, eh?

Hey, he'll have seen more than shoulders, Christine.

He'll have seen all sorts in there, eh?

It can be quite full-on, yeah.

Have you ever seen an eye hanging out? Alan!

It's stabbings, the big one in A&E. You seen a lot of them?

I've seen a few.

If the knife's still in them, do yous leave it in,

or do yous take it out?

You leave it in, Alan.

You've gotta leave it in till they get the X-ray.

I've seen that on Holby. D'you ever watch Holby, Iqbal?

No. Oh, you should.

Maybe save yoursel' a couple years' training.

What's the worst you've ever seen?

Oh, it's so long ago... Yeah, no.

We're more concerned nowadays with trying to stop people

ending up in hospital in the first place.

I mean, that's a lot of what I do in my job, so... Yeah.

The work that Ash is involved with is really key

to the future of the NHS. Oh.

Aye, but A&E, I mean, that's the sharp end, is it not?

Yes, but, erm...

My mate's wife works in A&E.

She said that one guy came in with a courgette

stuck up his arse.

HE LAUGHS

A courgette? How did it get up there?

He said he'd fallen backwards on to it

when he was making the dinner.

Aye, that's what he says.

He'll have shoved it up there himself.

Ah, well, that's one way of getting your five-a-day into you, eh?

LAUGHTER

She also said...

No. She also said that one woman come in with a mobile phone up her.

GASPING

Front or back? Front.

Oh, my God.

Christ, I cannae hear mine when it goes off in the other room.

She'd have no chance!

LAUGHTER

Right, Christine, when's your boilerman coming?

I heard this one about this guy, right?

He turned up at the hospital, his jacket all zipped up,

and a wee hoover on wheels, trailing along beside him.

They got him in, examined him,

they found his willy stuck in the hose of the hoover.

Oh, no!

EXCLAIMING

Oh, for the love of God! Can you imagine?

I says to my wife,

"I wonder if it was one of those wee Henry ones.

"That would've wiped the smile off its face!"

LAUGHTER

Do you do shoulders, Ash?

Yeah, yeah, it's basically the same layout as this. Yeah.

We did talk about knocking through to the dining room

at one time and making it open plan.

Oh, yeah, I think that's what we'll do.

We ripped out all our units on one side and put an island in.

Oh, I like an island in the kitchen.

Yeah. Listen, Alan's in the building trade.

If you ever need any work done, just give us a shout.

Yeah, no, I'll have a chat with Iqbal.

Sorry, I did have one question.

Oh, yes? What's the best gym to join here?

Oh, well, there's the leisure centre,

and that's got a pool, I know that.

Has it got a gym, though?

I think that's closed now. I think they had to close that.

Did they?

Yeah, remember they found that spyhole in the shower?

Oh. Oh, yes.

Were they not thinking about building one

of those 24-hour ones by the bypass?

Oh, that'd be perfect.

No, that's not happening. Oh.

They couldn't get the planning permission.

That's a shame. I wonder what they'll do with it.

It's going to be a drive-through McDonald's.

Oh.

It's awful, awful stiff when I get up in the morning.

So what's your GP said about it?

Ach, wee McGill?

Christ, you could be sat there with your head under your arm,

and he'd still tell you to take two paracetamol and dial 111.

Can you lift your arm up as high as you can?

All right. Ooh.

Apologies if I'm kicking up a bit of a biff.

Once this boiler's up and running,

I'll be back to my usual standards.

And out to the side. Oh.

Here, Eric, you got any WD-40?

CHUCKLING

Cheeky wee bastard.

Excuse me, Doctor.

You don't have to call me doctor - I'm not your doctor.

Erm, can you rotate your whole arm?

Oh, right.

SHE GROANS

Do it with the other one, see if you take off.

I'll take your fucking head off.

Sorry, Doctor. That's OK.

Erm, I don't think there's anything to worry about,

to be honest. It's probably just some stiffness.

Ask your doctor if they can refer you to a physio.

They might have some stretches you could try.

Stretches?

I mean, you don't want to just take painkillers forever. No.

But if I did, could you get me them?

What's happening here? Erm...

I was just having a look at Christine's shoulder.

Oh, he's got a lovely manner.

Lovely soft hands, Ash.

Yeah.

WHISPERING: I don't think that's very appropriate.

SHE MOUTHS

Did you get a look at her kitchen, then, did you?

I did, thank you.

It's tiny, isn't it? We put a big extension at the back.

Oh, that's what we're going to do. Are you?

Yeah, we're going to knock through to the dining room,

then put big double doors in,

so can open up the whole house out to the garden.

Are you quite keen gardeners, then?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I can't wait to get out there with my spade.

Well, you'd better watch where you're sticking it,

because that Labrador that they had before -

big Sheba'll be up the back somewhere.

Well, I think it sounds fantastic, Ash.

You're certainly going to be kept busy.

Yeah, plenty of time, though. Kitchen first.

Well, if your kitchen's out of action, you'll no' go hungry.

You're well-placed for takeaways round about here, eh, Al?

It's good, aye. Mm-hm. Papa John's.

Aye. Domino's.

And there's a good Chinese as well. D'you like a Chinese?

Well, erm...

The New City, it's tremendous.

Wait till you try their spare ribs. Ooh!

There's never any spare when he's around.

We...we're actually...

You got any menus you can give them away with them, Beth?

Ooh, I might do somewhere.

See if you've got one for The Happy Frier.

Do you like chippies, Ash?

Sorry, as in fish... Fish and chip shop?

Yes. You'll never have tasted one like this in London.

What's it like, Alan?

I actually prefer Marco's.

What? I do, aye.

I think his chips are better - thicker.

Oh, don't fucking listen to him.

He's talking pish.

No, once you have experienced a haddock supper

from The Happy Frier,

you'll wish you'd moved here years ago.

We don't really eat takeaways.

What?

We're not really big fans of takeaway food.

What d'you do if you want a pizza?

We make one.

Eh?

We make our own.

Out of what?

OK, here's a couple for you.

Erm, there's the Chinese one, and a couple of pizza places,

and a nice Indian, the Chasni, and that's got a wee coupon on it

that you're very welcome to.

Thanks.

So when do you start your new jobs, then?

BOTH: Next week.

What is it you said you do again, Ash?

I'm a consultant in public health.

So what does that involve?

It's really just overseeing policy around health and wellbeing -

looking at ways we can improve health outcomes

within the population,

looking at what factors influence those outcomes,

you know, like where you live and what you eat.

Oh, that sounds, erm, very interesting. Yeah.

Can you get painkillers, Ash?

Right, would anybody else like another cup of tea?

Oh, yes. Aye, go on.

Yes, please. Bless you, Beth.

She's an angel, that one.

I'll have one. And I tell you what I will be having -

one of these doughnuts an' all.

It's a nice wee spread she's put on for you.

Naw, I brought them. Did ye?

Aye, she made me. Oh, well, then, what's left?

One raspberry, one fudge sundae, two chocolate dreamies,

an apple pie, and two plain rings.

Oh, that's tremendous. What'd you have, Eric?

Fudge. How was it?

Delicious.

What about you, Michelle?

Apple pie.

I had the caramel and custard, but there was only one of them.

Aye, a wee limited edition. Alan, what are you going for?

Maybe a raspberry.

What about you guys? Oh, no, we're fine, thank you.

Oh, come on, a wee doughnut with your cup of tea.

No, thank you.

Why not?

Ah, come on, Ash. Aye, go on!

Come on, Ash, wire in.

No. Why not?

Well, they're full of sugar, they contain salt,

they have God knows how many chemicals.

They're deep-fried and full of saturated fat

so they're horrendous for your heart,

not to mention the links to obesity and raised cholesterol.

And there's also a lot of research that suggests that wheat,

which of course is what the dough itself is made of

and which contains gluten,

is a trigger for a lot of the autoimmune conditions

that we're seeing more and more of these days.

So basically they're empty calories and they have

no nutritional value and they do actual harm to your physical health,

which we, as public health professionals,

then have to deal with the effects of.

So, no, I won't have a doughnut, thank you.

Christine?

Chocolate dreamie, please.

Mm.

Mm. Mm!

What have you got?

A plain ring.

Is it all right?

It's tremendous.

It's beautiful. Mm.

He seems very nice.

Yeah. She's nice, too.

I think they'll love it here, I really do.

Once they get settled in.

PHONE RINGS

Oh.

I'll get that. Who's this?

That might be your boilerman.

Hello?

Oh, finally!

Right, I'll be out in five minutes.

Eh?

Cos I'm eating a fucking doughnut.

MUSIC: Sugar Hiccup by Cocteau Twins

# Sugar hiccup, hiccup

# Sugar hiccup

# Makes the Earth tough and tumble

# Sugar hiccup

# Heavens curtsey and bow

# Sugar hiccup

# Makes a pig soar and swoon. #