All language subtitles for Two.Doors.Down.S05E04.Girls.Night.1080p.iP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-VTM_track3_[eng]

This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour

Is that you away? Aye. What time
d'you think they'll be here till?

Oh, I don't know. 11 maybe?
11? Bloody hell.

Well, by the time we have a wee
glass of wine or two and hear

everybody's news... You see them
all the time. What news?

Never you mind, Alan.

It's a girls' night
and that's what we do.

We put something sparkly on,
we have a few drinks

and we get a proper catch-up.
Fair enough.

Who are you going to meet?
Davey McKay.

Oh, Davey M?
Aye.

I heard he'd split up with
Linda. Is that right enough?

Aye, I think so.

And isn't he talking
about taking a job in Dubai?

Aye, I'm not sure
what happened with that.

Oh, you're gonna have plenty
to catch up on.

What are yous gonna do?

Watch the football.

Thanks, Michelle.

Give me your coats.
I'll hang them up for you.

Use a hanger, please,
Michelle. Mine's actual leather.

MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY

Ooh.

Right... Sit yourselves down.

Thanks for asking us over.

Oh, any excuse
for a wee girls' night.

We've been
looking forward to it

all week, haven't we, Cathy?

Have we?

So, did Eric and Colin
get away OK?

Yes, they did.
Quarter to six the taxi came.

Oh, my God.
I set the alarm

for five, so we could have sex
before he went.

And, er, was it the Algarve
they went?

Er, yes.

I had no idea Eric
even played golf, to be honest.

Yeah, he does. He's shit at it,
though, Michelle.

Right. So...

...what do you want to drink?
A wee glass of prosecco?

Woo-hoo!

I brought prosecco.

I've got a bottle open.
I'll pop that in the fridge.

Cathy, glass of prosecco for you?
Yes, please, honey.

Oh, and there's vodka in there
as well.

Oh, right. Well, we'll maybe
save that for later on.

Yeah, give it 15
in the freezer.

This is nice.

Give me a break.
What?

It's like being
in the fucking Brownies.

What are we going to end up doing?

Getting under the duvet
with our torches

and swapping felt-tip pens?

Cathy, just enjoy yourself.
What else would you be doing?

Right, here we go.

Oh, thanks, Michelle, honey.

Yes, thanks, Michelle.

Ooh, lovely.
So, Alan off out, is he?

Yeah, he's away out
to meet his friend Davey.

Anyway, rule number one
of girls' night no talking

about your other halves.
Oh.

Well, we did this thing at
my pal Louise's hen night

where if you mentioned
your partner's name,

you have to do a shot.
Oh, dear.

It was such a laugh.
We were all so pissed.

That's a good idea.
Let's do that.

Yeah? I mean,
we can if you want to.

Beth, are you up for that?
OK. Yeah?

Cathy?

Colin.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, Christine.

Hi, Christine!

Hello, Michelle.

In you come.
Aw, it's so good to see you.

How are you doing?

Aye, not bad, Michelle.
Not bad.

Awful lot of dog dirt lying on
thae pavements at the minute.

You've not stood on anything,
have you?

Oh, I don't think so.

Have a wee check for me,
hen, will you?

No, you're all right.

I went into one last week
with my Crocs on.

What a fucking mess
that was. Anyway...

Ah, hi, Christine.

Oh, hi, Beth.

Oh, there's Cath. Hi, Cath.

Mmm.

Eh, what are yous
all dolled up for?

Well, just because
it's a girls' night.

Aye, but what's with
all the sparkly gear,

and the hair all brushed?
Are we going out?

No, no, no.

It was just a chance

to put something nice on,
get a bit done up.

Well, what's the point of that,
if it's only us?

Well...
Listen, sit yourself down.

You're here,
and that's all that matters.

D'you want me to pop that
in the fridge for you?

What?

Do you want me to pop that
in the fridge?

I'm not putting that in the
fridge. That's my knitting.

Your knitting?

Oh, great.

Aye, well, when you said
it was a women's night,

I thought we'd be sitting round
with cups of tea

and I would take the chance to get
on with my knitting. Aww.

I don't think that's quite
what she had in mind.

I was thinking more
a few glasses of fizz,

maybe some little nibbles,

and maybe even watch
a wee film later on. Ooh.

Oh. Well, if I'd known that,

I'd have put something fresh on
my bottom half.

You sit yourself down.
I'll get you a wee drink.

So, what is it
you're knitting, Christine?

Quickly, Michelle!

I'm doing a wee cardigan
for Madison's birthday.

Aw. Oh, she's gonna love that,

her granny knitting her
a cardigan.

I got the pattern off of Pat.

She was a very big knitter
before the amputation.

It was my gran who taught me to
knit. Was it, Beth?

And was she missing
any limbs or...?

That's her gonna be three. Mmm.

So I'm knitting her a wee cardy
with an elephant on the front.

Aw, that's lovely.
Does she like elephants?

Well, she'd better, cos I've
been at it for a fortnight.

She's going to love it.

My granny used to knit things
for me when I was young.

You know, the wee jumpers and the
scarves. Ah.

Wee bobble hats
with the pompoms.

Oh...

Oh, I can't talk about it!

Oh, Michelle.

No, I'm fine, I'm fine. Aww.

Cathy, I totally forgot
your shot!

Here, Beth, remember that knitting
machine I was looking at in Argos?

I do.

I wish to Christ
I had bought that

instead of
that fucking SodaStream.

Right, here we go.

Oh, ho-ho-ho!

What's all this?

We're playing a game,
Christine.

Every time someone mentions
their partner's name,

they have to take a shot,
and Cathy here

has already said Colin once,
so she has to do one.

What is it?

Sambuca.

Ooh.

Ready?

Whoo!

What's it like?

Colin.

Bless you, Michelle.

They're good.
Oh, yes.

They're nice and thick,
aren't they? Mm.

Better than thae wee thin ones
that you buy, Beth.

So, you were saying about
the swimming, Beth?

Mm. Oh, yes. See,
the difference when you go

when it's one of those
all-women sessions...

Oh, I know. The gym's the same.

It's calm.
You don't have people

racing up and down, and you can
stop and have a wee chat.

What I hate is when you get
the guys in the gym staring.

Oh, yeah,
I bet she can't stand that.

Just makes you feel like
you need to cover yourself up. Mmm.

I always pull my jumper down
at the back

when I get on the bus,

just in case I send off
the wrong signals.

Well, I wish more people
would cover themselves up.

In the changing rooms,
at least.

Oh, the big hairy muffs!

LAUGHTER

Who wants to see that?

God! I know.

I've seen Beth's. Twice.

Ah, but what are your options,
though, eh?

All that waxing and plucking.

Do you not bother, Christine?

No, I do not.

Oh, God.
Not even a wee tidy-up?

No. It's yes to the eyebrows.
Yes, to the top lip.

But downstairs
is its own boss.

MICHELLE LAUGHS

Oh, you can't beat
a girls' night, eh?

You can just talk
about anything.

Absolutely.

Except men, right? Right.
No talking about men.

That just ends in tears.

That's the only thing
about all girls, isn't it?

There's always an argument
and always

somebody in tears
by the end of the night.

No, none of that. No tears,
no falling out, and I promise

not to mention Eric... Oh!

Oh! Oh! Shit.

Ah, you'll need to have one
of thae wee drinks there, Beth.

Oh!

Don't worry, Beth,
I'll do one with you.

Aye. I'll do a handful
of crisps.

Cath, pass us that bowl over,
will you?

Here we go.
There we go.

Thank you.

Right. Are we ready?
After three?

One, two, three.

Oh! Uh...

Whoo!

Well, seeing as I've done one,
I get to say

a wee tiny thing about Alan.

Oooh, Alan! Big old Alan
and his big dirty van.

It's just a wee thing,
I promise.

Ah, go on, Michelle.
It's just...

...he never makes an effort
about anything.

I mean, look, we organised
this night weeks ago

and we went to the trouble
to think about

what to bring and what to wear.

And he just texts his mate
at the last minute

and sails off down the pub
in his old joggy bottoms.

Ah, he's never out of them,
Michelle.

It's as if they're glued
to his arse.

He's a nightmare, Christine.
I buy new stuff for him

all the time, but he just
slings it in the drawer.

I bought Colin a cashmere jumper
last week. Oh.

And a pair of pants that
make his cock look bigger.

I've spent years trying to get
Eric to smarten himself up.

Oh, I always think
Eric dresses quite nice.

How much of that have you had?

High and Mighty he goes to,
Michelle.

Less high, more mighty.

LAUGHTER

You don't know how lucky
you are with Colin, Cathy.

Oh, I know.
You're just so well turned out,

the both of you. And, you know,

you always seem
to get along so well.

Thanks, Michelle.
Our relationship

has a very, very strong
foundation.

I find if you're happy
in the bedroom,

you're happy in every room.

And sometimes the garage.
Oh.

Do you ever fall out?

Erm... Well...

...sometimes.
What about?

Oh, just the odd little thing
he does.

Such as?

Come on,
spill the beans, Cathy.

Well...

I don't like the way he pees.

Oh. Eh?

You know,
straight into the water.

Oh, the noise.

I've told him to try
and bounce it off the sides

or put some paper down,
but he just keeps doing it.

Aye, they enjoy
aiming for things, Cath.

They're trained for it
when they're wee boys -

zip down, winky out,
fire straight ahead.

Mm-hm.

Well, I'm not even going to
start with the noises

that Alan makes!

In fact, can I ask you
a wee question?

Mm.

Do they ever, like, just
break wind in front of you?

Er, well...

Yes, little squeaky ones.

Alan does them
right in front of me.

That does not surprise me,
Michelle.

And, say, if he's been drinking
or eating anything spicy,

oh, my God,
you need a gas mask.

Oh. That is where living
on your own

gives you a great deal
of freedom, Michelle. Yeah.

Mind you,
there is the occasional evening

I've got to light a wee candle.

And what about Eric, Beth?

Does he do anything
that gets on your nerves?

Erm...

Oh, Christ,
where d'you start?

Well, actually, Eric's
pretty easy to live with.

SHE SCOFFS

Oh, there must be
some things he does.

Aye. Thae big yawns when
you see his back teeth. Ugh!

Or when he talks.
I hate it when he talks.

Erm... Well, I suppose...
I mean,

he does have a habit
of trimming his nose hair

at the dressing table

and it all goes
into my cotton wool.

Oh!
Hmm.

That is so gross.

Oh, yes, and he cuts his
toenails when he has a bath,

so when I go for a shower
I stand on them.

Oh, OK, that is annoying.

Oh...

Oh, but if there's one thing he
does that really does annoy me,

when he does a number two...

Oh, Jesus, this is gonna

be like something
out of The Exorcist.

No, no, no. It's not the noise.
When he comes out,

he always says, without fail,

"Well, that was a day's work
in itself."

Oh, Beth!

I do not know how she has lived
with him all these years.

If Eric shat in my loo,

I would rip it out
and buy a new one.

Poor Eric!
What? She deserves a medal.

Och, he's all right.

What? All that running
backwards and forwards

that you do for him,

while he just sits back
in his chair.

I thought Eric
did his bit around the house.

Ah, no.

He just sits there
and treats her like a maid.

All that tea, coffee,
lunch, dinner.

It's no' a remote control that
should be sat on the arm

of that chair,
it's a fucking bell.

Excuse me!

If there's anyone who treats
me like a maid, it's not Eric,

it's you.

Ooh.
Ooh.

Me?
Yes, you.

At least Eric does occasionally
roll his sleeves up

and, you know, lends a hand.

All you do ever do is waltz in,
plonk yourself down

and tell me
to put the kettle on.

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Och, I'm only kidding,
Christine.

Christine...

Oh, aye, I see how it is.

Och, I'm teasing,
for goodness' sake.

No. I have obviously
been unaware

that I am such a burden to you.

You are not a burden.

I'm just saying Eric's not
as bad as you make out.

I really don't think Beth meant
anything by it, Christine.

You're taking it the wrong way.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You have made yourself
perfectly clear.

Christine...

I know where I stand
and it's absolutely fine.

Christine...

Can't beat a good girls' night,
eh, Beth?

I'm so sorry about this,
Michelle.

Beth, don't worry. I know
you didn't mean anything by it.

I was only kidding on.
I know.

I didn't for one minute
think she'd react like this.

Honestly, Beth,
it's not your fault.

Michelle, I feel like
I've spoiled the whole night.

Don't be daft.

And you've gone to
so much trouble organising it.

Maybe I should go home.

You know what? We're gonna
sort this out right now.

Come on.

Look, Christine, this is daft.

I organised tonight

so we could all get together
and have a laugh,

not sit around being miserable,
having fall-outs.

I think you and Beth
need to sort this out.

Christine, I am sorry if
I upset you with what I said.

It was just a silly comment.
I didn't mean anything by it.

And I certainly didn't mean
to offend you.

I'm really very sorry.

Make her go on her knees.

You are welcome at my house

any time you like.

And I'd be happy to make you
a cup of tea

or whatever you want,
whenever you want it.

Whatever I want?

Yes.

Whenever I want it?

Yes.

Well, I suppose if you get
that toastie machine fixed

and start knocking out
the tuna melts again,

we can put this behind us.

Aww.

Yay!

Bless you, Beth. And listen,

you just let me know whenever
you want to come into mine

for a wee cup of coffee.

Really?

Oh, it would be my pleasure.

I'll pop in tomorrow, then.

No, sorry, Beth. Not tomorrow.

How are you getting on
with that cardy?

Next year
it's a fucking voucher!

MUSIC: Girls Just Want To Have Fun
by Cyndi Lauper

OK, ladies, let's get
this party started!

Ah, yes, Michelle!

Come on, everybody up.

Oh, Michelle!

Come on, Christine, you too!

Tch, tch, tch. No.

Oh, yes.
Oh, no.

Come on!
Oh!

MUSIC: Dancing Queen
by ABBA

Right, that's me.

That's knackered me.

Ah, time out, ladies.

Boo, Michelle.
Time out.

Oh, boo.

Christine, watch, you're
sitting on your knitting.

Oh, oh. Christ, so I am.

Ah!
Let's see. Give us a look.

I'm there. Aw.

It's no' finished, obviously.

It's coming on, Christine.

I love the wee elephant.

You've got a talent for that,
missus.

Oh, aye. I'm actually
going to have

plenty of this wool left over

if you're wanting me to knit
you a scarf or a wee Rasta hat.

Oh, well, maybe finish
the cardy first

and see what's left.

Madison'll love it -
a wee cardy from her gran.

Aww. It must be so hard,
being so far away.

It is, Michelle.

I just feel as if I've missed
out on so much, you know.

Her first tooth,

her first go at the potty,

first time getting lost
in Asda.

Is there no way
you can see her more often?

You could move.

You don't need to move.

There's all sort of ways
of keeping in touch these days.

Oh, yeah,
my friend's mum and dad,

they film wee messages
on their phone to send

to the grandkids
in New Zealand.

Oh...

What would I film, though?

Anything you want.

Things to let Madison see
what your life is like,

what you get up to.

Aye. Huh...

Maybe I could film me
going up to the chip shop.

Uh-huh. And then I could show
wee Madison

me placing my order

and then the salt and stuff
getting put on.

There's one.

I could film me
going up to the doctor's,

and Marion behind
the desk could say hello

and show her all
the mental health pamphlets.

Yeah...

What else?
What else do I do with my life?

I think that might be it.

There's lots of things you
could record and send to her.

And then, in years to come,

she'll have all those memories
of her gran to look back on.

I wish I had some videos
of my granny I could watch.

Aww. D'you miss her, do you?
I do, yeah.

She was such
a brilliant woman.

I mean, she had hardly
any money of her own,

but she would always
buy us a wee toy

or a wee sweetie from the shop.

She was just
one of those people

that put everybody else first.

MICHELLE SOBS

I'm sorry.

I knew if I spoke about her,
I'd get upset.

Oh, don't you worry.

Let it out, Michelle.
Let it out.

I'll go and get you
a wee drop o' loo roll.

Aw, thanks, Christine.

It's silly.

No.

You're all so brilliant.

Aww.

I'm so glad you came.

Especially you, Cathy.

Aw, thanks, Michelle.

Seriously, I know we've not
always hit it off, but...

What are you talking about?

Well, it's just sometimes
I get a wee feeling

that you've maybe got a bit
of a problem with me.

Me? A problem? Where are you
getting that from?

Well, I...I don't know.
It's just...

...sometimes a feeling I get
when we see each other.

But, you know what,
maybe I'm just imagining it.

Whatever, it doesn't matter.
I just want us to be friends.

Oh, that's so nice.

Isn't that nice, Cathy?

Uh-huh.

Give us a hug.

What?

Give us a hug.

Huh...

Beth.
Aww.

Aw...

What's going on here?

Oh, OK, that's enough.

Thank you. That's enough.

There you are.

Oh, dear.

What time is it?

Don't even think
about leaving, missus.

It's still early, and we've not
even watched the film yet.

Ooh, what film are we getting,
Michelle?

Any one you want.

Have you got Predator,
Michelle?

I was thinking more
of a girlie film.

How about Crocodile Dundee?
Oh, God.

What about Grease? We're not
watching fucking Grease!

I know...
What about Dirty Dancing?

Oh, Dirty Dancing!
I absolutely love that film!

What about...
something actually dirty?

What?

Something where
they go all the way.

Let's watch a porno.

Cathy.

Come on. Just for a laugh.

No.

Well, don't tell me
you've never seen one.

Me? Er, yeah,
of course I've seen one.

Well, what d'you like?

What? What sort of stuff
are you into?

Oh, Cathy...

Well, I've only seen little
bits of some, to be honest.

They're all much the same,
Michelle.

Plumber turns up at the door
to fix the sink.

Next thing you know, he's got
his dungarees round his ankles

and she's up on the kitchen
table writhing like an eel.

Ah, no, it's all different now.
It's all online,

it's different categories
and stuff.

How d'you mean, categories?

Michelle, where's your laptop?

Oh, no.

Michelle, girls' night!
Bit of fun.

I cannot believe
we're doing this.

Oh, boom!

I'm going to get
a glass of water.

Can I get anybody
anything else?

Ah, well, if we're watching
pornography, Beth,

I'll take a coffee.

OK. What's your password?

Shelly86.

Oh, er...

Here we go.

Here along the top is all

the different categories
of stuff.

It's not that dissimilar
to the layout o' the B&Q site.

OK, so what shall we watch?

There's amateurs, anal,

Asian, big tits, big dick,
blow job,

bondage, bi MMF.

What's that?

Bisexual male-male-female.

It's actually quite good.

Cathy, just pick something
not too strong. OK.

Oh, thanks. Beth, interracial
threesome or underwater hand job?

What?

PANTING

GROANING

Ponytail's just getting
in the road.

She should have that up
in a bun.

PANTING

GROANING

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

All right?

You all right?
Good, aye.

Hi, Alan.

GROANING

GROANING STOPS

So, you had a nice night?

Aye, good. How was yours?

Yeah, it's been great,
hasn't it?

Yes, lovely. Had a few drinks
and a nice chat.

Aw, yeah. I went
and got a wee bit upset,

but they were all brilliant, and we
had a nice wee hug, didn't we?

Mm-hm.
Yes.

Oh, and we had the music on
as well.

Oh, yeah, we were up dancing

and Christine was showing us
her moves, weren't you?

Aye, I was.

And then that was us

just making a start
on the porn there, Alan.

Oh.

Thank you so much, Michelle.
It was just lovely.

Aw, you're welcome.
We should do it more often.

Aw, yeah.

Thanks, Michelle.

And you let me know if you want me
to help you with that thing for

Madison, the wee video.
Aye.

Maybe we could try to do
something on Tuesday

when it's blue bin day.

Yeah.

Thanks, hen.

Right, come on.

Thanks for coming, Cathy.

Oh, no bother, Michelle.

It's so good to see you.

Oh, I was actually saying Colin
quite a lot in my head tonight,

so I've just taken that bottle
of sambuca with me.

Bye, now.
Bye. See you later.

Cheerio. Bye.
Aw.

So, you had a good night, then?

Aye. No' bad, aye.

How's Davey?

Aye. Fine, aye.

Has he split up with Linda?
Don't know. Never asked.

Right, well, I think
I'm ready to head upstairs.

Are you...?

Do you fancy coming upstairs?

Oh, for...?

Uh-huh. Aye, all right.

Two ticks, till I get
a wee glass of milk.

We ended up
going for an Indian.

Oh.

# Dancing queen

# Young and sweet

# Only 17

# Dancing queen

# Feel the beat from the tambourine

# Oh, yeah

# You can dance

# You can jive

# Having the time of your life

# Ooh, see that girl... #