Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

DOORBELL RINGS

All right? All right?

You all right, aye?

Aye. Not bad. I'm all right. How's you?

Aye, I'm all right.

You want to come in?

All right.

You been in here since we done it up?

Nup. What d'you think?

You no' got your telly up on the wall?

Nah, Michelle wanted it on a unit.

Get it up on the wall. What d'you need the fire for?

Dunno.

Get shot of the fire, get a bracket,

get it up on the wall.

Right, shall we do these rings, then?

You no' got a box for these?

No. Carol Ann wants them on a cushion.

Right.

Have I to bring the cushion? No. You've just to bring the rings.

Right.

DOOR OPENS

Oh, hi, Michael.

Oh, hello, Michelle. How you doing?

I'm good, thanks. How's you? Oh, I'm fine, Michelle,

thank you very much.

I'm just in giving Alan the rings.

Oh, exciting!

How are you feeling? How's Carol Ann?

She's good, aye. She's away to the hairdresser's.

Oh, I thought she was getting that done

on Saturday morning at the house?

Oh, no, she is,

but she's away getting waxed.

Oh. I don't mind it either way,

but she wanted the whole lot off,

seeing as it's the wedding. Aw, that'll be nice.

Before I forget, I got a wee something for you

that I saw when I was in town.

Oh, right.

It's just something I thought would be nice for the tables.

You know, quite romantic.

But they're in the car.

I'll go and get them just now.

All right, eh, thanks very much, Michelle.

That's very much appreciated.

DOOR CLOSES

She no' wearing a bra?

CAR HORN TOOTS

Oh, hiya. Hello, Michelle.

Hi, Beth.

Hiya.

Look what I got, Michelle. Slug pellets.

MICHELLE CHUCKLES POLITELY

Oh, right.

Aye. You want a handful?

No, I'm all right. Are you sure?

I've seen trails on your slabs.

No, honestly.

Listen, I don't mean to be rude,

but Alan's brother's in here at the minute, so...

Oh, yes, of course. Not long now. Saturday, is it?

Yeah, Saturday.

What's this? Alan's brother's getting married this weekend.

Aw, is he, Michelle?

Yeah. Alan's best man, so there's quite a lot going on.

Your Alan?

Yeah, so...

Best man? Uh-huh.

Has somebody dropped out?

Right, well, I'll let you get on. Okey dokey.

Bring him over.

Sorry? Bring him over,

so we can wish him all the best for the big day.

Oh...we've still got quite a lot of stuff to do, so...

Oh, Beth, Beth, you want to meet the boy

and wish him good luck, do you not?

Well, yes, but, erm...

Ah, come over. In about five minutes, eh?

I'll get her to put some of these into a freezer bag for you,

and then you can get shot of those wee bastards

before the big day. Right...

Right, come on, Beth.

Chop chop.

CAR PULLS AWAY

Hello. Hi, Beth.

Alan.

Beth, this is my brother, Michael.

Hello, Michael. Pleased to meet you. How are you feeling?

Aye, I'm no' bad. I'm good, aye. Thank you.

Well, that's good. How are the nerves?

Aye, they're fine.

The only thing I'm worried about is this one here making an arse of it.

LAUGHTER

Well, I'm sure he'll be fine.

Alan, are you looking forward to it?

Oh, aye. it's a free bar until ten o'clock.

# Con-gratu-lations

# And celebrations! #

Ah, hello, Michelle. Hi, Christine.

All right, Christine? How you doing?

Ooh, there he is! You get in here tae I get a proper look at ye.

Oh, aye, he's a wee bit better to look at, eh? Ha.

Still got the same miserable face, mind you. Do you see that, Beth?

Like a couple of gravediggers!

This is Christine.

She lives next door, opposite your brother.

Oh, right. Aye.

I sometimes see him standing in the upstairs bedroom inspecting himself.

Did he have a magnifying glass?

Eh? Aw, nothing, just a wee joke.

Now... Oh! I get it, right!

Oh, you're saying that he's got a wee willy.

SHE CHUCKLES

Aye, very funny.

A magnifying glass to see his willy! Very funny.

Is it a wee tiddler, Michelle?

Oh, sit yourselves down.

We won't stay long, Beth.

Aye.

CHRISTINE CHUCKLES

You'll have lots to do, Michelle, eh?

Oh!

CHUCKLING

Saturday's the big day, then, is it?

It is, aye. Two o'clock. Two o'clock?

Oh, that's a good time.

Two o'clock is an ideal time for a wedding.

I like my funerals a wee bit earlier,

so I can get home in time for The Chase.

So, who's the lucky lady, eh?

Carol Ann. Carol Ann?

Oh, that's nice.

I don't like the name Carol,

but Carol Ann's just no' as bad.

So, is it all coming together, then?

Aye, aye. That was me just dropping the rings off,

and Carol Ann's away getting her...

She's away getting some last-minute stuff done.

Oh.

Now, you'll be running about like a blue-arsed fly yourself,

are you no'? Not really, to be honest.

Carol Ann and her bridesmaid have actually sorted most of it, so...

Oh, what's she called? Claire.

Claire.

See, I don't like that name either.

Well, her mum's been really helpful as well, so...

Oh, that's lovely. Oh, yes. Mm.

It's a big, big day for the mother of the bride.

Mm-hm. Ah, just think, Beth,

you'll never get to experience that.

It's a son she's got,

and he's gay, so she'll get nothing.

BETH SIGHS

So, who'd like a tea or coffee?

I'd take a tea off you, Beth.

Michael? Aye, aye, I'll take a coffee, if it's no bother.

No bother at all.

Hey, and none of your Kenco shite.

You've got a visitor here.

Michelle? I'll come and give you a hand, Beth.

No, no. Stay where you are.

Just a cup of tea, then, please.

Mibbe something nice to go along with it, Beth?

Like what?

Like a sponge.

A sponge?

Yes! Well, they've got the wedding on Saturday.

Honestly, Beth, don't go to any trouble.

I'll check and see. But I'd have picked something up if I'd known.

Not at all. We've just descended on you. Oh, no.

Well, she made you come, Michelle.

Sorry about this, Michael.

SHE TUTS

So, where's your ceremony, then, Michael?

St Luke's. Oh, St Luke's is nice.

Mmm. Aye, well, it's well named,

cos we looked at every church in the town

before she picked that one.

CHRISTINE AND MICHELLE CHUCKLE

He's funny.

I've been to a wedding there. It was lovely.

Have you, aye? Mm-hm. And a funeral.

Mm-hm.

And a coffee morning for the wee boys and girls in the Yemen.

I bought two Empire biscuits.

What about your reception, Michael?

Oh. The Caledonian Hotel up East Kilbride.

No, I don't know that one.

Mind the one that was in the news

for the refugees working in the kitchen without their papers?

Oh, aye!

Oh, that one? Oh, that looked nice.

Sorry. Michael, see those favours?

See instead of bothering Carol Ann,

should I just speak to Claire about them?

Eh, up to you.

Well, can I get her number?

Er, aye. I'll text you it.

St Luke's is a beautiful church.

Is it still Father McDonagh that's there?

Aye, it's him that's doing it.

Oh, you'll be in good hands with him, Michael.

Oh, yes. He's the old school.

Always stands at the back, you know,

giving wee blessings on the way oot, and...

Oh, he's a regular at the hospital as well.

Oh, yes, he is a proper man of God.

How much is he charging you, Michael?

800.

Greedy bastard.

KETTLE BOILS

Can I give you a hand with anything?

No, no, you're fine.

Oh, actually,

give me the milk out of the fridge there, would you?

Looking forward to the weekend?

Yeah. It'll be lovely.

What are you wearing? You wearing a hat?

A fascinator.

Ooh! Although Alan says it looks like I've left a comb in my hair.

Erm...he seems very relaxed about it all.

Relaxed?

He's sleepwalking his way through the whole bloody thing.

Oh, dear.

Is he not very organised?

The only thing he's organised is getting two puddings at the meal.

Thanks, my honey. Thank you very much, Michelle.

Thanks, Beth. There's a wee milk.

Ah. Thank you very much.

Take two, Michael,

seeing as this is the best she can come up with.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Oh! Hi, Alan. Hi, Michelle.

Oh, hi, Eric.

All right, Eric? How you doing?

Oh, no bad. Eric, this is Alan's brother, Michael.

How you doing? Pleased to meet you.

I'm fine. Pleased to meet you.

He's getting married on Saturday, Eric.

Is that right, aye? Aye. I finally said yes.

ALL CHUCKLE

He's a joker, this one, Eric.

He made a very funny one earlier

about the fact that Alan's got a small penis.

Aye... Well, eh, congratulations, son.

Only a few days left as a free man, eh?

Eh? Oh. Aye. The fun stops here, eh?

No. I'm only kidding.

Getting married was the best thing I ever did.

Aww, Eric, that's so sweet.

Getting that combi boiler

must have come a close second, though, Eric, eh?

Eh... Eric, you didn't happen

to pick up a cake or anything, did you?

No.

Sorry about this, Michael.

Why? Well, it's just that I didn't have anything

to give Michael and Alan with their cup of tea.

Honestly, Beth, don't worry about it.

I've got a packet of oatcakes?

No, Eric. It's fine.

I've got some Dairylea.

I'd take a couple of Dairylea on their own. Alan...

She could have texted him, Michael.

No, it was a cake or something.

Sponge, Eric.

We're getting ready for a wedding here.

Ah, well, I can go back out?

No, Eric. Absolutely no need.

Right.

So, eh, what's on the menu for your reception, then, Michael?

What, like the meal? Yeah.

Well, there's a prawn cocktail starter.

Oh. Prawn cocktail. That's nice.

It's nice with the paprika on the top.

Beth... Beth... Paprika.

Yes. And then it's roast beef.

Ooh. Ooh, good thick slices.

Make sure they've got gravy, Michael.

Keeps it moist for when it's sitting under lamps. Oh, right.

And then it's sticky toffee pudding or a Scottish cheese selection.

Ooh. Oh, lovely. Beautiful choices.

I'm getting both.

So it's this weekend, is it?

Aye, that's right. Ah. Are you the best man, Alan?

I am, aye. Oh-ho. Is it suits or kilts? Kilts.

Oh, I love a man in a kilt.

Oh, so do I, Beth!

You'd better make sure he's got pants on, Michelle.

On second thoughts, you'll mibbe no' have tae bother.

So, what tartan are you going for?

Clan Moss Bros, Eric.

LAUGHING: Clan Moss Bros!

CHRISTINE LAUGHS

See?

He's got a better personality than Alan, doesn't he, Eric?

That's a point. When are you picking them up, by the way?

Eh? The kilts. You've to collect them.

Have I? Aye. That's the best man's job.

We'll get them tomorrow, Michael.

Alan, that was one of the things on the list

that I wrote out for you. Right.

Where did you put that?

MICHAEL SIGHS

Michael, does it have to be him?

Michelle, make sure you get all the things that go with them,

you know, the socks and the sporran.

Aye, you'll need your sporran for your hip flask.

Have you got a hip flask? Naw.

Oh, you've got to get one of them.

The best man always carries a hip flask so he can give

the groom a wee nip, steady his nerves.

Mmm. Where will I get one of those?

Well, I've got an actual flask, Alan. But I don't think it'll fit.

It takes two full tins o' soup, Michael.

Can we not take a quarter-bottle?

Is vodka all right, Eric? Uh...

Alan, you're not going to your brother's wedding

with a quarter-bottle of vodka in your sporran.

Eric, do you not have a hip flask you can give them?

Honestly, Beth, it's fine. We'll get up early tomorrow

and we'll go into town and have a wee look for one.

Oh, this is it, eh?

All the running about now.

Hold on to your hats.

This is it starting to unravel.

No, it'll be OK. Look, I'm off tomorrow, Michael,

so I'll make sure that it's all sorted.

I think I have one somewhere. Where would I have put it?

Well, if it's anywhere, it'll be in that unit there.

Honestly, Eric, don't go to any bother.

See if there's a fucking sponge in there while you're at it, Eric.

Right, can I get anyone anything else?

No, we're fine, thanks, Beth.

I was sure I had one somewhere. No, nothing there.

If it was gonna be anywhere, it would have been in there.

I'll tell you who will have one, though.

Ah, you all right, Eric? How're you doing?

Ah, no' bad. Listen,

you don't happen to have a hip flask, do you?

A hip flask? Er...

Alan's brother's getting married and he's the best man.

What, Alan is? Aye.

Did somebody drop oot? Eh?

No, no. But it's the kilt they're wearing

and he's no' got a hip flask. Aye, no bother, I've got one.

I'll dig it oot, he can get it off me later.

Great. I'll say to Michelle, let her know.

What, Michelle?

Aye, she's in just now with Alan and his brother.

Right, two ticks. I'll get it. I'll bring it in now.

HE SIGHS

120 at the reception? Well, that's a lot.

Aye, Carol Ann's got family coming across fae Ireland.

North or south?

North. Christ.

Guaranteed trouble.

Hey!

Where is he? Where is he? Let's get a look at him.

Oh, yeah, not bad.

HUSHED: He's nicer looking. Not as heavy.

CHRISTINE: Yes, isn't he, Cath?

No' so much of the big ham face going on.

He's funny as well. Say something funny, Michael.

Aboot what? I don't know.

Say something about his willy again.

Michael, this is Colin and Cathy.

How yous doing? Very good, squire, and it's nice to meet you.

We stay a couple of doors along.

But we're only here an average of 44 weeks a year

due to...holiday commitments.

Well, it's 43 this year, Cath.

What? Well, remember, we've got Madeira as well.

We're going to Madeira, Michael.

Oh, here, that's a point. Where are you off to on your honeymoon?

Dominican Republic. ALL: Oh!

Oh, we've been there. Have we?

Aye, remember, we saw the monkey eating the KFC?

Oh, yeah. Oh, you'll love it, Michael.

Are you going straight from the reception, are you?

No, we're staying overnight in the hotel.

Have they got a bridal suite in the Caledonian Hotel?

No, but we're getting a disabled room with a basket of fruit in it.

Oh, lovely.

It used to be the best man that arranged the honeymoon.

Oh, thank Christ it's no',

or you wouldnae be going fucking anywhere.

Oh, leave him alone. He's doing a grand job.

Aye, good on you, Alan.

I hear you're short of one of these.

Oh, thanks very much for that, Colin.

That's really good of you. Aye, no bother.

And what...what about you, Michelle?

You got your wee lacy garter looked out?

That's the bride, Colin.

Oh, aye, so...so it is.

Best man, eh, Alan? Huh?

First time you've been called that, eh?

Have you ever done a big speech before?

No, not really. Eh, aye, you have.

When? Every time you go into McDonald's,

you do ten minutes without a breath.

LAUGHTER

See what I mean, Cath?

More personality.

Och, don't you listen to them, Alan. By the time you do the speech,

most folk'll be pissed, they'll no' be listening!

CHUCKLING

Yes, they will. Don't bother about him.

Aye, your big job's really the rings, anyway.

What did you go for, Michael? Something sparkly, bit of bling?

Just plain. Plain gold bands.

Oh. They're the best.

Easier for you to get opened out if you balloon in later years.

You know, you can do some really nice things with them.

My friend got married recently

and she got hers engraved inside with a wee message to each other.

They even got the date put...

Who cares, Michelle?

Look at mine, Michael. Huh?

Oh, aye, that's a belter.

It's a beautiful piece, isn't it?

She's never had that off since the day it went on, have you?

Ah, well, obviously it comes off if you're doing that.

Plain bands are very nice, very traditional.

That's what Eric and I have got.

Mmm. Have you had yours opened out, then, Eric?

You know, they're actually quite like yours, Beth.

You know, classic sort of thing.

Oh, aww.

Show Beth the rings. You don't mind, Michael, do you?

No, fire in.

Did you definitely give me them?

Aye, I gave you them.

Hold on. Remember he gave you them in the house, Alan?

That's why I came over?

SHE CLEARS THROAT

WHISPERS: Does it have to be him, Michael?

Is there no' even a cousin?

I can't find them. Oh, Jesus Christ, Alan!

You put them in your pocket. I watched you do it.

Did you maybe change your trousers?

He hasnae had they joggers off for weeks, Beth.

Is there a hole in your pocket, maybe?

No, no. I've no' got them.

MICHAEL SIGHS

I knew this would happen.

What did I say to you? What did I say?

They'll be here somewhere, Michael.

They maybe fell out of your pocket when you sat down.

Lift the cushions.

Aye. Och.

Oh, wait a minute, he was sat here as well, Michael.

Let's get these cushions up.

Lift these up, Michael.

Ugh, this is still warm from his arse.

Take that, Michelle. It's got Alan's bum heat on it.

Oh... See if you've lost them, I swear to God, man...

That's them! That's them there.

Ah! Look.

He's got them, he's got them. Shut up, Michelle.

Right, let's get a look at them.

COLIN: Oh, they are like yours right enough, Beth.

Nothing to them.

I was shitting myself in case I'd lost them.

I knew they'd be here somewhere. Not to worry.

Panic over. Well done, Alan.

Whit? How long did it take you to lose them there?

I know. Sorry. Swear to God,

you'd better get your act together. It'll be fine.

Better be.

Look, nothing's worth falling out about, is it?

Aye, it'll all work out. You'll have a brilliant day.

Yeah.

So, what's the forecast for Saturday anyway?

One big fuck-off barney

when that crowd fae Larne get a drink into them!

It'll be lovely. There's plenty of time to sort it all,

and I am sure you'll be completely organised by the weekend.

Won't you, Alan? Aye, I will.

Right. Let's get these cushions back, then, yeah?

Come on! Chop chop, Michelle!

Get your wee Dustbuster in there later, Beth,

cos there's a fair bit of build-up.

Here, Beth, did I tell you what I found

down the side of my big recliner?

Yes. 3D specs, Michael.

Oh, right.

I tried them on, but they didnae work.

So, who's the lucky lady, then? What's her name?

Carol Ann.

And are you the bridesmaid, are you, Michelle?

Oh, no, that's Carol Ann's best friend, Claire.

They're actually really close.

They're more like sisters, aren't they, Michael?

Oh, aye, aye.

Did you go to the hen night, Michelle?

I did, yeah. Whoa!

Where did you go, Michelle? Newcastle.

Oh! Fucking all bets off there!

LAUGHTER

Oh, Newcastle's a very popular destination for hen weekends.

Aye, that Quayside is like Sodom and Gomorrah.

Oof! Here, Beth, do you remember Jimmy Nail?

Was it mental, Michelle?

Oh, no, it wasn't that bad.

# Crocodile shoes

# Crocodile shoo-di-dooes... #

Shh.

ALAN: She took the Monday off, sat in her pyjamas

the whole day, then phoned for a Chinese at four in the afternoon.

ALL CHUCKLE

MICHELLE: OK.

Oh! Look, I may have been a bit tired, but it wasn't that crazy.

Carol Ann said yous started drinking the minute you got on the train.

Oh, I love drinking on trains.

Well, I might have had a couple on the way down.

And planes. And taxis.

And what did you get up to when you were there?

Was there a bit of adult entertainment, was there, Michelle?

Well, eh...Claire might have booked some strippers.

Oh. Ooh. Oh!

Was it the Chippendales, Michelle?

No, it was nothing like that.

They weren't even that great, to be honest.

Aww, really, Michelle?

Their dicks not big enough for you, no?

No, they were rubbish. I mean, they literally just came in,

did a bit of a dance, took a selfie with Carol Ann,

and then they were offskis, away on to the next one.

Och, you're joking? I know.

You know, I have been to see The Full Monty, though,

and that was brilliant.

I mean, that was done very well.

I loved that.

But these guys, they weren't that great, to be honest.

Och, that's a shame, so it is.

Did they do the windmill, Michelle?

Cathy's been to see the Dreamboys live. Haven't you, Cath?

Oh, you'd love them, Michelle.

They don't let you touch, though.

I got her the DVD for her birthday. Didn't I?

You did. I made him learn one of the dances from it.

Aye, just a bit of fun, you know?

You do a bit of it. Aww...

Er, look, I don't...

He's not gonna do all of it.

Come on. Show Michelle how it's supposed to be done.

Oh, no.

For Michelle? Er, OK. Just a... Just a quick blast.

No, Colin, I really don't think now is the moment...

Yeah, go on, Col!

MUSIC: Horny '98 by Mousse T

Here we go! Whoo!

Go on, Colin. Whoo!

Beth, Beth, he's about to get down and dirty.

Here, the only thing dirty about her is her couch!

CATHY GUFFAWS

# Dirty, dirty, dirty couch

# Oh, dirty

# Dirty, dirty couch! #

Right, Colin, that'll do us.

Come on, guys, help me out here.

There's too many of them for me to handle on my own.

Come on, guys. Up you get, up you get!

Come on. It's dead easy.

It's just this, this,

then pump, pump, pump!

Eric, come on!

Get your cock out. Oh, for...

Come on. Whoo.

Come on! Michael, Alan, get up.

Let's see who's bigger!

It'll be him.

Oh, go, go, go! Whoo!

No! No' with my good pellets.

THEY LAUGH

Right, Colin, that is enough.

Cathy, get that music off.

Off!

Off. Give it...

MUSIC OFF

Boo.

Oh, she's boring,

she's so boring, Michael.

I bet you're glad you're not marrying her.

# So boring Boring, boring, boring! #

Sorry about this, Michael. No, it's cool.

Just a bit of fun. You know?

Can I offer you another coffee at all?

No, no, I'm all right. I need to get going anyway.

I said to Carol Ann I'd go and pick her up.

Aww. Oh, don't go, Michael.

I think we should be making a move as well.

Thanks very much for having us round, Beth.

No problem, Michael. Thanks so much.

It was really nice to see you, Christine.

Aww, bless you, Michelle.

And Michael, all the very best for your big day on Saturday.

Here, and give Father McDonagh my regards.

Aye, no bother, I will, aye.

Here, Michael.

Mention my name

and see if you can knock him down a bit.

£800?!

You could get a fucking cathedral for that.

Now, have you got everything? You got your hip flask?

Alan, you got the hip flask?

What hip flask?

I've got it here. I'm joking!

ALL EXCLAIM

Have you filled it for them?

No. Well, I've not had much of a chance.

For God's sake, Eric!

You can't let them go away with an empty hip flask.

That is bad luck.

Oh.

I'll tell you what is bad luck.

Diarrhoea on your big day.

Can you imagine, Beth?

Diarrhoea in a kilt?

Put something in it for them, Eric,

for them to take away. Sure.

Make sure it's the good stuff in it, Eric. None of your Aldi shite.

Well, Michael, I hope it all goes well.

All the best.

Hope Carol Ann enjoys her day.

And, eh...

..and her night.

Have a lovely day, Michael.

And, you know, just try and relax and enjoy it.

I will. Thank you very much. I appreciate that.

You too, Alan. I am sure you'll do a grand job.

Thank you, Beth. There you go, son. Ah.

Here, have you got your speech sorted, Alan?

More or less. I just need to practise it more

so that I know it off by heart. Oh, let us hear a wee bit of it. Yeah!

Naw. Ah, come on, just a bit.

Come on, Alan.

All right.

Shhh. Shh.

Well, I'd like to thank you all for coming.

Thanks to the kitchen for that beautiful food.

That beef was out of this world.

On a similar note,

I'm sure you all agree

that Carol Ann looks absolutely beautiful.

So does her chief bridesmaid, Claire.

Two absolute smashers, so they are.

Aww. ERIC: Very nice, yeah.

WEAK APPLAUSE

Lovely, yeah.

Right, listen, we need to get going. We need to go, so...

Hey, hang about. Oh, give us one of the wee stories.

The whit? One of the stories about him.

I mean, you must have dug up some stuff about the groom.

Uh-huh. I mean, forget everything else.

That is the best man's number-one job.

Aye.

I've got a couple. But...

Oh, listen, you should save it for Saturday, should you not?

Yeah, you'll spoil the surprise.

Michael's no' meant to hear the speech

until you do it at the reception. Exactly.

Aye, but what about the stuff you couldnae use, though?

You could tell us that. Colin...

Go on, Alan.

Well, there was one thing that Davey Hamilton told me,

but there was no way I was putting that in.

Oh, was it Thailand?

He's a dick if he's told you about that.

No, no, it's no' that.

Was it the T In The Park one? No, no.

Wisnae T In The Park.

Oh, well, it cannae be that bad, then.

Go on, tell us.

Tell us!

He says you've been shagging Claire for the last three years

and Carol Ann doesn't know anything about it.

Have you paid McDonagh up front, Michael?

MUSIC: Oh! Brother by The Fall

# Oh, little brother

# We are in a mess

# Don't look at me that way

# And don't put me to the test

# When I first... #