Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language.

BAG RUSTLES

SHE GROANS

Oh, shit.

Sorry. Did I wake you up?

That bloody bag rustling, Eric!

Sorry.

Oh, it's fine.

How'd you get on?

Aye, fine, fine.

She said the best thing was just to keep taking paracetamol,

so I got you some more.

Ta.

Nice wee lassie.

She'd a stub through her nose, but she was very helpful.

Oh, and she said these are good for taking at night,

help you get some sleep.

Oh, that's good.

Last night was miserable.

And she suggested vitamin C, as well.

Oh, aye. Was she on commission?

Well, I want to make sure you get everything you need.

I know. Thank you.

I appreciate it.

All right, OK. I'll leave you in peace.

Right.

There was something else she said was good,

but I cannae remember now.

Oh, aye, aye, aye...

..that was it!

DOOR OPENS

HE WHISPERS: Plenty of rest.

MUSIC: SOB by Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats

How's she doing? Any better?

Ach, no really.

She's still in her bed

Oh, dear.

That's not like her.

I know.

She's awful bunged up.

Is she having to breathe through her mouth?

Eh, no, no. She's just stopped that altogether.

I'll nip up and see if she's OK.

Aye, go up and stick your head in, see if she's needing anything.

And how are you doing, Mr Baird?

Oh, I'm fine.

Are you coping all right? Yeah.

Well, we're here if you need us.

Oh.

Obviously, if she needs anything wiped that'll be Ian's job,

but I can do teas.

Mum?

Are you awake?

Yes, yes.

Come in.

How are you feeling?

Ah, pretty rotten.

Oh, you poor thing.

You look terrible.

Oh, thank you.

Do you need anything?

Erm, can you get your dad to do me a hot water bottle?

Aye, course. Anything else?

No, no. I just want a bit of peace and quiet, love.

DOORBELL RINGS

SHE SIGHS

I'll get it, Mr Baird. Don't worry.

Oh, hi, Christine.

Is she in her bed?

Ah... Oh, Mrs Baird?

Yeah, she's not well. Bunged up.

I've got soup here.

The real deal, Gordon.

Done with a good ham bone,

none of your stock cube shite.

Have a look at that.

Well, that'll put hairs on her chest.

That'll put a curly tail on her backside,

the amount of ham that's in that.

Right, there we go.

Come on.

Oh, has he no got a window open?

Get a window open - it's stifling in here!

All right, Christine?

Oh, how is she, Ian?

Aye, she's no too good.

Poor soul. I am sorry to hear that.

There's a bug doing the rounds at the minute.

Is there? Aye.

Isobel up the high flats was in her bed for over a week.

Oh, for goodness' sake.

And she says her memory foam will never bounce back.

Oh, Christine?

Eric, how are things?

Ah... Not bad, Christine.

Ian says she's no doing too good.

Well, she's got sore legs, she's a bit bunged up,

and she didn't sleep too well last night.

Oh. Had a bit of a bumpy one myself.

But I think it was that omelette I had after Newsnight.

Christine's brought in some soup.

Oh, have you?

Mm-hm. Done with the good ham bone, Eric!

Oh, that's very good of you.

Oh, not at all, not at all.

Plus, those carrots were starting to take root in my fridge,

so it's good to get them used.

Dad, Mum asked if you can do her a hot water bottle.

Oh, right.

Oh, you cannae beat a hot water bottle.

I sometimes sit with mine over my stomach when I've got

trapped wind and it just lets me release into the chair.

I'll go and stick the kettle on.

Gordon, here, give Ian a look at that soup.

That'll take his mind off the situation.

Very good.

You see the meat floating - do you see it, Ian?

That'll sort her out.

Are you supposed to eat when you've got a cold?

Oh, yeah. Feed a cold, starve a fever.

I thought it was feed a fever, starve a cold?

Yeah, feed a fever, starve a cold.

No, feed a cold, starve a fever.

Oh, hang on. Is it not feed a flu?

What do you do with a fever, then?

Who gives a shit?

Just shove that into the fridge and gie her a bowl when she wakes up!

DOOR OPENS

Here's your hot water bottle.

Oh, thank you. I just can't seem to get warm.

Who was at the door?

Oh, Christine.

Oh, God, give me peace.

It's all right. She just came to drop off some soup.

Soup?

Aye, she made you some soup.

I don't want soup.

Well, it's all right. You don't have to have it.

And don't let start poking her nose in.

You know what she's like.

It's OK.

I don't think she's staying long. Mm.

Well, the flu I had in the autumn of 2004,

oh, that was a real brute.

But if I had to pick, I would say that the cold that I had at

the tail end in 1996, Gordon, was the daddy of them all.

Oh!

Three whole weeks of nose-blowing.

By the time I was finished, I was like Rumpole

of the fuckin' Bailey.

ERIC SIGHS

Oh, Eric. How's the patient?

Oh, she's fine, Christine.

She'd just like a bit of peace and quiet, so...

Of course she does!

She needs complete rest.

I'll just take a cold drink to save any noise fae the kettle.

You boys want anything?

I actually could murder a coffee.

Oh, I'd take a cheeky little decaf, Mr Baird.

ERIC GRUNTS

Since you're making one, Eric,

I'll just take my usual.

Milk, two brown sugar.

But I don't want one of those wee daft cups.

No, I'll take the big Sports Direct one.

How is he coping, Ian?

Eh, fine.

I think.

This will be a complete shock to the system for him.

Will it?

Your mother does everything for him.

All he does is sit there like a blob barking out orders at her.

He's managing fine.

He's got everything under control.

His flies were down when we came in.

Oh, were they, Gordon?

I didn't see anything inside.

Mm, well, I would hazard a guess that the pants he's got on

are no that fresh.

The personal hygiene is the first thing to go in a man, Gordon.

And he was quite short with me too.

Oh, see.

This is what happens.

The social skills just disintegrate.

The next thing you know, he's out there shouting at binmen

and sittin' aboot on benches eating Scotch eggs.

Listen, can we just lay off him?

My mum's in bed not well.

We're supposed to be here to support him while he's looking after her,

not just sit here and talk about him behind his back.

What is it?

Oh, eh, nothing, Eric, nothing.

Nothing. Nothing... CHRISTINE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Just talking.

Oh.

At least he's zipped back up.

I'll tell you who does a nice paracetamol.

Morrisons.

Oh, right.

Oh, but don't let me sway you, son.

You shop around.

Have you got stuff in for your dinner?

Do you want me to go up to Tesco and pick anything up?

Yeah, I've done a shop. I've got stuff in.

Well, if there's anything we can do, just let us know.

No, no, you're fine.

Well, there is one thing they could do, Eric.

What?

Take me to the dentist.

Eh?

Well, I've got an appointment on Friday afternoon

and Beth was going to take me.

What time?

Quarter past three.

I'm working Friday, Christine. Sorry.

Oh, right.

What about you?

Me?

Well, I'm working too.

Oh, I see.

That's how it is.

No quite as helpful as we thought they were, eh, Eric?

Well, they're both working, Christine.

Aye, fair enough.

I suppose I could postpone it.

I just need to check that I've got enough oil of cloves

to keep a lid on this meantime.

Well, I could maybe see if I could take a late lunch.

You don't need to do that.

Mm, the gum's receding every week, Gordon.

I could just pick something up on the way.

Aye. A wee Tracker bar in your hand while you're driving -

you'll be fine.

I'll just text my boss now.

Ideal.

We'll aim for a half one pick-up?

Half one?

I thought you said your appointment was quarter past three?

Time to get a wee Costa on the way, eh?

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it, Dad. Right.

Where's Beth?

What? She's not replied to any of my texts.

Well, she's not well, Kathy. She's up in bed.

What's the matter with her?

Yeah, what's the matter with her? She's got the flu.

Aye, but she can still work a phone.

Look, she's really not well. She's been in bed for days.

My dad's been able to look after.

We should maybe go in, Kath.

Eric will never cope with this on his own.

DOOR CLOSES

Hey!

You all right, Eric? How you getting on?

I'm fine. I'm absolutely fine.

And there's Gordon too.

Oh, hi, Gordon.

Could you help me choose a nail polish later?

And how are you doing, Christine?

Hi, Colin.

Aye, and what's the news?

Just in, doing my bit.

How is she?

She's in her bad, Kath.

Poor thing,

lying there surrounded by all that pine furniture.

So is it the actual flu or is it just the cold?

Well, it's just a heavy cold, but she's got it quite bad.

Here, Colin, you might know.

Is it feed a cold, starve a fever?

I have a tendency to get earache when I get any kind of cold.

I'm getting quite a wee bit of that myself right now.

Do you know, I cannae remember the last time I was ill.

I was sick yesterday morning into the bidet, Gordon.

I never get colds or flus.

GORDON: Your immune system must be very strong.

Oh, it is. It is, Gordon.

His hair grows back very quickly, too.

Well, eh, listen, it's good of you to pop in, but don't...

How are you managing, squire?

Ah... Ach, you know, running about a bit.

Ah, are you struggling, aye?

His flies were lying open when we came in, Kath.

Oh, dear God.

Look, I'm doing fine. And anyway, the boys are here.

Aye, we're here.

And so are we.

And so am I.

In actual fact, I was here first.

No, you weren't.

Well, I was here before them.

Has anybody been up to see her?

I was just up there.

I was holding the fort down here.

I've answered the door.

Oh, Kath, why don't you go up and pop your head in?

Do you think?

I was up a wee while ago and she was pretty tired, to be honest.

Aye, but if somebody wi' a bit of personality goes in,

she'll pep up.

I think she'd rather be left on her own.

Aye, but she'll want to see Kath.

On you go, Kath.

I'm telling you, I think she'd make quite a good nurse.

As long as they didnae ask her to come in before lunchtime.

Or wear flat shoes.

Beth?

Oh, Beth?

Beth?

Beth! Oh!

Oh. Jesus.

Kathy. How are you, honey?

Oh. It's OK. I'm here now.

I'm going to look after you, little lamb.

Oh.

What is it you need?

Eh... Well, can I get a hanky over, please?

Of course you can, my wee honey.

Thanks.

That's it, you have a good big blow there, Beth.

I don't mind.

BETH SIGHS

Oh, erm...

All right?

Could you pass that glass of water, please?

Of course I can.

Thanks.

How's that? Is that good?

Yeah. All better now?

Ah.

So...

..anything else?

Bit of lipstick, no?

No.

I am absolutely roasting.

What are you doing?

Well, no, I need to get these down.

Oh, you need to stay covered, Beth.

No, no, no, Kathy. I'm too warm.

No, no, no. Snuggle in, little lamb.

No, Kathy, what are you doing?

I don't want to see your legs, Beth! What...

I'm too hot! Beth!

Kathy... Right.

I'll need to go and get Eric.

I thought you were just going to lie there and sniff a bit,

but you're being a fucking pain in the arse!

DOOR SLAMS

PHONE ALERT

That's my boss saying just to take a half day.

Ah, that's better.

That means we can get a toastie along with our coffee at Costa.

Maybe you shouldn't have that if you've got the dentist

straight after.

Oh, aye, you're right.

Maybe just a slice of lemon drizzle.

We can sit down to something hot when we get to Morrisons.

Morrisons?

Aye, we'll go to Morrisons after the dentist.

It's a half day you've got, son.

We don't want to waste it.

Eric, you need to go up?

What?

She's being a nightmare.

What do you mean?

Oh, it's just one thing after another.

Now she's... She's kicking, she's pushing her sheets down,

and... Oh, my God, Col.

I nearly saw between her legs.

Oh, no.

Dad, you should maybe go up.

Oh, God.

ERIC SIGHS

Let's hope this is not her taking a turn for the worse.

Is she in a bad way, Kath?

She is terrible, Christine.

There's dirty hankies everywhere.

What do you expect? She's been in bed for days.

I hate to say this, Ian,

but maybe your dad isn't seeing to her properly.

Oh, he's no leaving her lying in her own mess, is he?

Don't be ridiculous.

And, anyway, it's a cold she's got. Aye, you say that.

But one big sneeze and suddenly you've got a boil-wash your hands.

BREATHLESS: Oh, Jesus.

Are you all right in here?

Oh, open the window.

I am absolutely roasting.

Well, keep drinking your water.

Oh, yeah.

That's it, finish it up.

I'll get you some more.

What's going on down there?

Kathy appeared in here a minute ago.

Aye, her and Colin just popped in to see how you were doing.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

And is Christine still here?

Ah, yeah.

Oh, God.

Don't worry.

I'll make sure nobody else disturbs you.

What she needs is a bowl of that soup.

Christine brought soup round.

Done with the good ham bone, Kath.

You made soup out of a bone?

Oh, my God.

When Kath's no well, it's a hot toddy she likes.

Oh? Is alcohol really a good idea when you're ill?

It is, honey, yes.

Maybe Beth would like one?

Has your dad made her one, Ian?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, he should do her a wee hot toddy.

Aye, and he needs to get that soup heated through.

It's just sitting there in that Tupperware.

Would you give the guy a bloody chance?

The truth is I don't think he is in a fit state

to be looking after anyone.

What do you mean? Come on, Ian.

He's not exactly a picture of health himself, is he?

He is carrying a bit of weight.

He was puffing a bit when he came down earlier.

Mm-hm.

He's busy.

The truth is I do not think that she is in safe hands.

I mean, he says it's a cold,

but has he actually had a doctor in?

Do you know, that is a good point, actually.

Ian, has he?

I don't know.

It's quite hard to get a home visit, though.

Not if you say you've got chest pains.

Nor if you offer cash for Valiums.

What we're maybe needing is somebody with a bit of medical

knowledge who could go in, check her over,

and tell us for definite she's going to be OK. Mm-hm.

Right.

Son, help me up out this chair.

That's it. Oh...

There we go.

Right...

Chop chop.

There.

Maybe try settling yourself back down and get a wee sleep, hey?

Right, where is she?

God's sake. Christine.

Eric, out the way. Let me get in at her.

Up you get. Sit up.

Oh... Come on, let's get a look at you.

Right, let's see here...

Oh, that... Mm-hm, mm-hm.

Ah... Tongue out.

What? Tongue out.

Say, "Ah."

Ahhh.

Aye, nice and clear in the tonsils, but your breath's fucking honkin'.

Right. Now, do you see that?

What, your finger?

Mm-hm. How many am I holding up?

Just one.

I bet if I try holding a finger up to you, Christine...

Now follow it.

Follow it.

Follow it.

Oh, hold on a minute.

What's the matter?

It's just this shoulder's started to click a wee bit.

Oh...

Right, let's get a feel underneath here.

Christine, what are you doing?

Mm... Mm-hm, mm-hm.

Nice and dry. Good girl.

Now, what have you had to eat?

Eh, nothing, really.

What, you never told her about the soup?

She's got no appetite, Christine.

I've made soup.

I have made soup, Beth.

Do you want a wee bowl?

Eh, Christine, I...

Oh, come on. It'll be good for you.

Done with the good ham bone.

She's not hungry, Christine.

She needs to eat something!

Feed a cold, starve a fever.

I always thought it was feed a fever, starve a cold.

Is it... Don't you fucking start and all!

Right.

Now...

..let's get this into a pan

and get it heated through.

Right. A pan?

Yes, please.

Eh...

No.

CLANGING

There.

Right. There we go.

Nah. That's had onion in it. Gie me another one.

Oh.

Oh, aye, here, that's a nice one.

I'll need to remember to get a loan of that.

Here we go.

Look at that.

There she goes, Eric, eh?

Look at those big chunks of veg!

Not to mention that beautiful ham, eh?

See how it's gone thon lovely, stringy way.

Actually, maybe get her some floss for after.

See the big chunks of veg, Christine...

Uh-huh?

..can you maybe take them out?

What? She doesn't like chunky soup.

How no?

She just doesn't.

How are we doing in here?

He says she doesnae like chunks in her soup.

No. No, she doesn't, actually.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Well, what am I meant to dae wi' this?

Eh...

Blend it?

Blend it?

Aye.

Blend my good soup,

that I spent hours making?

Well, aye.

Actually, that's quite a good idea.

Eric, blender.

Beth?

Beth?

What?

Where's the blender?

What?

Where do we keep the blender?

The blender?

What do you need the blender for?

To get rid of the chunks in the soup?

Oh...

What's he doing up there?

Oh, he's not with it, Colin.

I asked him where that blender was and he didn't have a clue.

God, he's useless.

He's useless, he's boring

and his nose is horrible.

So he didn't know what the blender was. I mean, big deal.

I bet you don't know where yours is off the top of your head.

We don't have a blender.

Aye, we do, Kath.

We do have a blender, Ian, and it's in the kitchen.

I dread to think what he'd be like if she wasn't here.

Oh, you mean...if she was dead?

For God's sake!

I actually think he would go to pieces.

When my grandma died, my grandpa started living in the one room

with all the rubbish piling up around him.

Oh, did he?

And then when he died, my mum had to go in and clear it all out,

and she found £200 tucked inside a pornographic magazine.

That's really helpful, Gordon. Thanks.

My grandfather was never ill a day in his life.

Same as me.

He's got very strong genes, Gordon.

He's always happy to give blood.

Eric is prone to infection.

Remember his foot ballooned right up from those cheap trainers

that your mum got him in BHS?

Aye, well, his immune system's in tatters.

I mean, the man's a time bomb.

If your mum went, he'd be away like that.

Look, I think we're maybe getting a wee bit carried away, yeah?

Aye.

Fair enough, Ian. Fair enough.

Have they made a will?

Oh, for crying out loud!

She knows I'm interested in her dressing table and her unit

at the top of the stairs.

And we spoke about that in happier times, Ian, before this cold -

or whatever it may be - came along.

Ian, Ian, don't worry.

There's absolutely nothing that belongs to your mother

that I would ever, ever want.

WHISPERING: The bag.

What?

The bag from Cyprus.

Oh, oh, there is, actually.

We bought her a handbag from Cyprus.

I would take that back if I could.

What about you, Gordon?

You got your eye on anything?

Ah...

Oh, just put him down for some DVDs, Ian.

If they did die close together,

it might, in a way, be easier to deal with.

You could do a double funeral.

That's a good idea, Gordon.

Now, you get all the paperwork done in the one go, as well, Ian.

Oh, Ian, Ian, please don't rent the house out.

I do not want to live next door to a rental!

FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS

Right, that is enough.

Can we just stop talking about my parents dying?

ERIC: Bloody hell.

Up and down those stairs like a yo-yo!

Mm-hm. Oh, God...

ERIC BREATHES HEAVILY

Tick-tock, tick-tock...

Does it go any faster?

Eh?

Does it go any faster?

Nice colour to it.

Eh?

I'm saying, nice colour to it.

Oh...

I think she'd be better off with a hot toddy.

So do I, Col.

Kathy, what you doing?

What is it you put in it again, Col?

It's lemon, honey,

a bit of cinnamon, and...

Oh, and some cloves.

Fuck all that. This'll do her.

Beth?

Oh, Beth?

Beth...

Kathy.

I've brought you something to make you feel better.

What is it? It's a hot toddy.

It's not hot.

OK, it's whisky on its tod.

Mm... Beth, take it.

Steady, Eric. Steady...

Have it, Beth.

ERIC: There...

Here we are!

Oh, what...

What are you doing up here? I am caring for Beth, Eric.

What's this?!

Got you some soup.

Ah, look, it's all blended too, Beth.

Not a chunk in sight, my darling.

I'm really not hungry.

Do you see?

Right, have your toddy, Beth.

I don't want that either!

What? I don't want anything.

I just want a bit of peace and quiet!

Mum, we're gonnae go.

It's like a circus in here.

Bye, Mrs Bird. Hope you feel better.

I didn't even know they were still here!

What? Gordon's gonnae take me to my dentist appointment

on Friday, Beth. I knew you'd be worried.

What? Aye. He's taken a day off to help me with a few things.

Half a day.

Aye, well, we'll talk about that.

Eric, what is going on?!

I was... I mean, they just... He's not up to it, Beth.

I was trying to... He's lost the plot.

You're not safe with him, Beth.

IAN: Right. That's it!

He has been slogging his guts out

making sure my mum gets looked after.

And you lot have just come in here and done nothing but

criticise every single thing he's done.

He's been to the chemist, he's done washings,

he's cooked, cleaned.

He's been up and down those stairs every five minutes!

So the last thing he needs is you lot waltzing in and making out

that he's not coping!

He is managing just fine and she needs peace and quiet!

OK?!

Listen, I think I'll need to go home to my bed, Kath.

I'm not feeling well.

Do you want some soup?

MUSIC: Lou's Got The Flu by Roger Miller

# Some people bad and some people good

# Too bad the bad can't be like the good

# But everything changes a little and it should

# Good ain't forever and bad ain't for good

# And Lou's got the flu and he's laid up

# Laid up, laid up Laid up, laid up

# Lou's got the flu and he's laid up Laid up

# Have to get well pretty soon, though. #