All language subtitles for Two.Doors.Down.S03E06.Alan.and.Michelle.1080p.iP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-VTM_track3_[eng]

Oh, hi, Christine.
I've just spoken to them.

Who?

That young couple that bought
Archie's house.

Ah, right, right.

Hm, they were very
interested to hear

a bit of the history of the house.
The history?

Well, she had no idea

that his body had lain for so long
in that living room.

I was saying to her

that maybe we should have a wee
get-together at some point.

Oh, aye, that would be nice.

Oh, I told her we'd give her
the chance to get in

and get settled first though.
Ah, course.

The last thing she's wanting

is a load of folk
inviting themselves over

before she's had a chance
to get her boxes emptied.

Absolutely.

So I told them to come across here
about two o'clock.

What?

Thanks, Beth, you're a star.

Oh, and by the way,
that tooth came out,

so don't bother cutting
the crusts off mine.

Two o'clock.

This programme contains
strong language

That's no' shut, Alan,
you need to bang it.

All right!

You said bang it.

Come on.

So is that woman's house
we're going to?

What woman?

Her wi' the joggy bottoms
and hair like Rose West.

No, it's her neighbour.
Right.

Now, remember, wait until you're
offered before you eat anything,

and if there's something
you don't like, use a napkin,

don't spit it
straight into the bin.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi, there. Hi, Mrs Baird?

Beth, call me Beth! Are you, um...?

I'm Michelle, pleased to meet you.

Hi, Michelle.

And...?

Alan.

Hi, Alan.

Um, come in, come in!

In you come.

This is my husband, Eric.

How you doing?
Hi, there. Michelle.

Pleased to meet you.

Alan.

Um, right, sit down,
sit yourselves down.

Take a seat.

No' there! Kidding you on!

Only joking. On you go.

Is he a bit of a joker, is he, Beth?

That's exactly what he is.

We were at a party one night
and I sat on a whoopie cushion,

remember that, Michelle?

I do.

She actually thought
it was a real fart.

I mean, mine sound
nothing like that.

So, Beth, thank you
so much for the invite.

That was really nice of you.

Oh, that's OK.

How are you settling in then?
Um, we're getting there, Eric.

I mean, that's us all unpacked,
the new carpets are down,

and the bathroom's getting
tiled at the moment.

Three days in a row, I've had a wash
at the sink, haven't I, Michelle?

Uh-huh.

She's using baby wipes.

Well, I'm sure you'll get
sorted soon enough.

I hope so!

I says to Alan, "Remind me again why
we thought this was a good idea!"

And I says, number one, nice area.

Number two, driveway for the van.

And number three, that place
we were in was fucking tiny.

DOORBELL RINGS

Excuse me.

Hi, Christine.

Hello, Beth.

A wee treat for you -
banana loaf, Beth.

Oh.

Well, I thought since
you were making the sandwiches,

the least I could do
is contribute a wee something.

That's very kind of you.

Not at all.

Not at all, Beth.

It was reduced to 19p
and its sell-by was last Thursday,

but it'll be fine
if it's buttered heavy.

Hello there, again.

Oh, hi. Hi, Christine.

It's Michelle, isn't it?

That's right. And you are...?

Alan.

So you found it all right, then?

Oh, no bother.

Aye, it was basically just
straight across the road,

wasn't it, Michelle? It was.

What side is it you're on,
Christine?

Oh, wait till I think.

What way am I facing?

It's through that way.

If I'm in my chair facing
the window, then she's on my left.

We're on the right,
as you're looking at us, Michelle.

Naw, naw, naw, you're wrong.

If they're on the other side
of the road looking out,

then your house is on the left
and ours is to the right.

You're through that wall.

And you'll be through
that fucking windae

if you keep pointing at me
like that.

Would you like a tea or a coffee?

I'll take one, Beth.

Alan.

Aye, that would be magic, Beth.
Take a tea off you?

How do you like it?

Milk and three sugars.

Michelle? Oh, I won't actually,

I've had a couple of coffees
already this morning.

Aw, you're the same as me, Michelle.

If I have more than two,
it's like a trap door flying open.

Or a glass of water,
a soft drink or something?

No, honestly, I'm fine.

I'll take a Fanta aff ya, an' all.
Alan!

So is there much needing done
to the place, then, Alan?

It's quite extensive, Eric,
er, first things first,

take down that wee porch
at the front.

You're what?!

Aye, Michelle's wanting rid of it,
aren't you? We don't need it.

You say that, Michelle, but what say
maybes you've gone oot

and then you come back and you've
stood on a shit or something?

Aye, right enough.

No, look, I just want
a proper front door.

So where was it
you were before here?

East Kilbride, Eric.

Oh, right. Do you know
East Kilbride?

Um, a bit, I mean, not really.

Aye, it's good, aye.

Good place.

Why did you move?

Well, number one...

nice area...

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it!

Hey! Hi, Colin.

Listen, I'm just heading
up the dump. I was wondering

if you had anything
you wanted taken up.

Um, no, I don't think so.

Hold on, I'll ask Eric.

And then of course, there was

the septic toe incident
in the Algarve, Michelle.

Um, sorry to interrupt.

Eric, Colin's at the door,

and he's going up to the dump
and he wants to know...

# Any old iron, any old iron... #

Oh, sorry, I didn't realise
you had company.

Wait till you meet this tit,
Michelle.

Hi, Christine. Hi, Colin.

Colin, this is Alan and Michelle.

They've just moved in
across the road.

Ah. Into old Archie's?

Yeah. Aye, that was terrible him
lying all that time in the lounge.

I mean, I saw the cat
pawing at the blinds,

but, no, never for a minute did I...
Um, Eric, so, anything?

Eh, no, I don't think so.

Right, well, no, thanks, then,
Colin.

Are you away up the dump, are you?

Aye, you wanting anything taken up?

No, but I'm looking for
a wicker magazine rack.

Well... Is that your wee digger
across the road there?

Aye.
What are you doing with that?

Taking down the porch.
Are you?

Cannae believe it.

Madness!

We can't see the point in it.

Ah, she'll no be saying that

when he trails a big dogshite
onto her hall carpet!

Aye, I got it on loan from my work.

What is it you do, Alan?

Tool hire.

Oh, do you?

I tell you what I'm looking for,
Alan, a good sharp pair of scissors.

Naw, we don't do scissors.

Aw, see, trying to separate
sausages, Michelle.

I hired a tile cutter
a couple of year ago.

Oh, we've got them!
Have you?

Aye. I can get you one if you want?
Naw.

Fucking sails through the tiles,
by the way. Alan...

Honest to God. Like a laser.
Alan!

No, no, it was, it was last year.

Alan, budge up
and give the man a seat.

Colin, just shove him out the road.

Oh, right, OK.

So, whereabouts are you?

Two doors down. That way, Michelle.

We're over there.

Aye. That way.

We've just moved in.

Have youse met Cathy yet?

Who's Cathy?

The wife.

No, we've not met her.

We've really only met Christine
this morning when she came over.

I just went across as a courtesy,
you know.

And to see if Archie's daughter
had taken that big shovel away.

Wait, I'll send her a message,
tell her to come in.

Aw, wait, I think I have seen her.

Aye?

Tall, long hair? Aye.

Leather jacket with a big
chunky belt?

Aye!

Staggering out of a taxi last night
the back of 11?

Aye, that's Cathy!
She was away at the yoga.

Oh, I was making tea, wasn't I?
Colin, do you want a cup?

Um, Alan, are you having one?

Aye. And a Fanta. I'm having
a can of Fanta aff her as well.

You should ask for one. See if
she says aye to you as well.

Aye, go on, Beth.

Banana loaf as well.

It's a good big stodgy one,
Michelle.

Take more than a couple of coffees
to shift it.

Hi. Only me!

Hi, Cathy! How are...

Are they in there?

..you?

Here she is!

Hi! I'm Cathy.

Michelle, pleased to meet you.

Michelle - it's so nice to have
a proper woman on the street.

Oh, and this must be...

Alan.

Alan.

Alan.

Alan. Lovely to meet you.

Oh, if I'd known you were doing
welcome drinks,

I'd have invited you to ours.

Would you like a cup of tea, Cathy?

Or a wine, Beth, I'm easy.

There's a banana loaf about to
make an appearance, Cathy.

Oh, none for me, thanks, Beth.

Are you carb free?

Oh, I try.

I try too, Michelle.

Aye, until she's fucked
wi' the drink,

and now she's doon the chippy
in her slippers.

Well, Alan's got a sweet tooth,
he might have some.

Oh, do you, Alan?

Aye, I can eat three Twixes
in a row. Ever do that. Eric?

Eh, no.

I do.

Sometimes I go
and park the van somewhere quiet,

turn the engine off and just eat.

They're doing quite a bit of work
to the place.

Are you? Yeah.

They're getting rid o' that porch!

We did tons of work to the house
when we moved in, didn't we, Col?

Did you?

We had to - it was basically
just like this.

Oi - plate!

So what did you have done?

Oh, we have spent
a lot of money, Michelle.

Converted the loft,
had a new en suite

so I can see what Colin's doing
in the shower,

and the kitchen - oh, my God!

You want to see my kitchen,
Michelle.

I've got one of those taps
with the hose

that you get in restaurants.

Oh, right.

So do you do a lot of cooking?

No. Well, we were thinking about
knocking through from the kitchen

to the living room, you know,
just to open the place up a wee bit.

Are you, aye? Aye, it means
if I'm sitting watching the darts

she can be standing at the cooker
still talking to me,

unless somebody's on a finish.

Oh, aye,

You a fan of the darts
yourself, Eric?

Oh, aye, well, I don't mind
the darts.

But I've no' got Sky, though.

Oh, I have. That's why we got it.

Formula 1 now as well.

Ooh! Our dining room
opens on to the living room

which opens onto the decking which
is where we've got the hot tub.

Well...

Oh - had a hot tub.

We had to drain it when I saw a bird
dipping its head in it.

Have you done anything
to this place?

BETH TUTS

Um, well...

we got that extra radiator,
didn't we?

We did.

Are you sure I cannae tempt you
to a wee slice of this, Michelle?

It's fine with a drink of something
to wash it over.

No, thanks.

This must just be
the same way as ours.

Do you want a look round?

Yeah, that'd be great, thanks.

Give them the grand tour, Beth.

Oh, I like your jeans, missus.

Oh, thanks.

Michelle, could you bring a sheet
of kitchen towel back with you,

fucking butter everywhere!

Come on through.

Aww! Eh?

So do youse eat in here or do youse
take it through onto your knee?

Um, it depends, really.

We were thinking about having
a breakfast bar

as well as an actual dining table.

Ooh!

Telly's going up on a bracket
so you can swing it both ways

and still see it.

Sorry, I'm just getting that wine
now that I asked you for.

Um, we did think at one point
about adding on a conservatory.

We've got one.

We've got a conservatory.

It gets so warm, it's amazing.

I dry all Colin's pants in it.

What happens to your wet pants,
Alan? Tumble drier, eh?

Mm, pants off, and into the wash,
and into the tumble drier?

There you go, naughty boy,
all warm and tight for you.

Anyway, we decided not to
in the end.

Eric, did you say
it was East Kilbride

they were in before here?

Aye.

Colin - look up sex offenders
in East Kilbride on your phone.

Quick.

Seen all you want? Same as yours,
right enough, Alan?

Aye, layout's identical -
sink, hob, fridge,

only difference is she's got a bog
under her stairs,

we've no' got one of them.

We had it put in
a couple of years ago.

Did you, aye?

It saves you running up and down
the stairs for a piss, dun't it?

Alan.

Yes.

You would love our house, Michelle.

Wouldn't she, Col? Oh, aye,
it's a big step up fae this.

You should come over some time.

Aw, that would be lovely, thanks.

Come and have a look now
if you want.

Eh? Come and have a look now.
No. You're fine. Come on.

No, honestly. Come on!

No, honestly! Come now, Michelle!

All right! Beth? What?

You come too, in case
anything needs tidied.

I think you're right about the
porch, Michelle, I hate them too.

So where do you put your shoes
and stuff? Hm?

Like, do you just take them off
in the hallway?

I don't know what happens to them,
Michelle.

Ooh! Oh, I like that wallpaper.

Oh, thanks!

I took a lot of my inspiration
for this room from a hotel

that Colin and I stayed in in Dubai.

Have you been to Dubai, Michelle?
I have.

Beth - you've not been, have you?

No.

See.

Have a look around,
get a feel for the space,

oh, smell the leather couch.

Here, is it no' about time
we got the beers on the go?

Eh? Oh, come on -
there's Alan just moved in

and he's not had a beer yet.

Alan, you fancy a beer?

Aye.

Good man, Alan.

All the lads together
having a swally.

You got a Foster's, Eric?
Wait and I'll see what I've got.

So, do you go up to the dump a lot?

Aye, quite a bit, Alan.

You'll need to tell me where it is.

Pat over the back took the base of
a single bed up there on a bus.

That's where the van comes in handy.

Taking stuff to places.

Mm, have you met Pat yet, Alan?

Naw, I don't think so.

Aw, you'd know her if you saw her -
a wee bit stooped,

looks like she's hunting for coins.

There you go.

There you go, Alan,
do you want a glass with that?

Naw.

Right, here we go -
first of the day!

Oof, it's nice and cold,
thank you, Eric.

Right, well, cheers, Alan.

Cheers, son. Cheers!

Oh!

Ah!

Oh!

Aw.

So are you doing most of the work
yourself then, Alan?

I am, aye.

Except the plumbing stuff.

I says to Michelle,
"I'm no' doing anything

"where I might get shite on me."

Well, listen, anything you need,
just give us a shout.

And I'll send Eric
straight over to you.

Oh, I tell you, it used to be
when you moved in somewhere,

all the neighbours would muck in

and help you do the place up,
remember that?

Aye, you're right, Eric.

When I lived in Johnstone,
there was a man in the street

and he came in and wallpapered
my hall for no money whatsoever.

Ah, that's the community spirit, eh?

Aye.

Aye. Took over a week to do it
and he cleaned me out of Nescafe.

Never again.

Big double fridge, Michelle.

Oh, I like that.

And, of course, the wonderful island
in the middle here.

Oh, I would love one of them.

Aren't they great?
Look, I can walk right round it.

MICHELLE LAUGHS

Ooh!

Oh - look at that hob!

Look at the size of that gas ring
in the middle.

Isn't that amazing?

It'd be great for doing a stir fry.

Or just for lighting cigarettes.

It is absolutely spotless.

Oh, that's Colin.

Does he do it all, does he?

Yeah, he texts the cleaner
every week.

If you want, Michelle, I can look
out the brochures that we used.

Oh, what, for this?

Yes.

Aw, Cathy that is so sweet of you,

but I think we'll probably just go
for something a bit more practical.

This is practical.

Oh, no, I didn't mean it
like that.

This is practical -
I can get crushed ice out of that.

Cathy, no.

And there's a fan as well,
somewhere.

Maybe we should go back...

Yes, that's a good idea, Beth.

I would show Michelle my toilet -
you'd love that, Michelle,

it's really practical - you can shit
in it and then flush it away.

Are you doing anything
to the upstairs?

Old Archie that had it,
he was never upstairs -

he had his commode
and his basin in his living room.

There's Artex on the ceiling in the
bedroom that Michelle wants rid of.

Aw, that can be a bugger
to get rid of.

I've got a mate that's a plasterer -

I got him to come out
and have a look at it.

Oh, aye, and what did he think?

He thought it looked
fucking horrible as well.

It'll be worth it when you get it
all looking the way you want it.

Oh, aye.

I'm actually turning the back
bedroom into a nursery.

Aw, are you? Ah, I said to Beth
it won't be long

before she's dragging a pushchair
up that driveway.

So is she up the duff just now,
is she?

Well, we're trying.

Aw, that's the best bit, Alan,
plenty of it.

Enjoy it while it lasts, eh, Eric?

Oh, aye.

I thought I saw a new mattress
getting delivered.

That'll be taking a hammering,
will it no', Alan?

That's great, Alan - be nice to have
more kids on the street.

Our Ian's grown up
and away living in a flat now.

With a man.

Here, you must be knackered,
all this work

and then you've to get your sleeves
rolled up at night as well.

Aye, Michelle's got
a thing on her phone that pings

and tells her when's
the best time to get rode.

Here, Eric, we'll need
to listen for that.

Hey!

Aw, here she is, how did you get on?

Aye, fine. Did you have a go
on that big leather couch?

Tell you, see that with
a pair of crimplene slacks -

you're sliding about like
It's A Knockout.

Well, I was going to ask
if anyone wanted another cup of tea

but I can see you've already...

Well, we just wanted to give Alan
a proper welcome.

Here, Alan, son, watch this.

Wait, wait.

HE BURPS QUIETLY

THEY LAUGH

Thank you!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

HE BURPS LOUDLY

MICHELLE LAUGHS

CHRISTINE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY

Michelle, would you like a drink?

I'm having a beer.

That's a beer, a tea and a Fanta
I've had aff her.

Good man, Alan!

Well, I'd maybe take
a wee glass of wine.

Wine for Michelle, Beth!

She's a fucking cow. What?!

She is trouble.

I am telling you.

Oh, Cathy, don't start.

I say to her her jeans are nice,
what do I get back?

IMITATES: "Aw, thank you."

Cathy.

I mention Dubai so I can tell her
things, she says she's already been.

And then I invite her
into my house,

I walk around my island

and, like, switch lights
on and off

all for her, so she can say
she prefers it in here!

I mean, come on!

Oh, for goodness' sake.

I know exactly what she's up to.

I've met women like that before -

I've been on nights out
with cabin crew.

She's just moved in!
She seems like a very nice girl.

And she's only been here
two minutes... Aw.

..so go easy!

I'm warning you!

Oh, here, Alan, we've had
some laughs in this street,

have we no', Eric? Have we?

Remember the time that
you fell on the ice?

Oh!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, I remember that.

Here, here, what about that time
you locked yourself out your house?

THEY LAUGH

Oh, yeah!

No, no, no, no, remember that time
that your ceiling came in?

THEY LAUGH

What's fucking funny about that?

The best, I'll tell you the best,

right, remember that time

you had the flat battery
and I came out with the jump leads.

Eric, Eric, Eric, shh,

Michelle's not interested in our
boring stories, are you, Michelle?

What happened, Eric?

Well, I said to Beth
to park our car next to his,

so she reversed up to his bonnet.

So our boot was next to his bonnet.

And no' as it should have been,
bonnet to bonnet.

Well, I wasn't thinking.

Unbelievable.

Honestly. You want to have seen it!
What a dozy cow!

Youse'll love it here.

Yes, you'll be very happy.

I tell you what - it's a brilliant
place to bring up a wee baby.

Sorry?

Well, Alan and Michelle are trying
for a baby, aren't youse?

Well... Are you?!

Aye, she's got a thing
on her phone that pings

when it's time for her
to get pumped.

What are you doing
talking about this?

Aw, we're just chatting...

Well, I think it's lovely, Michelle.
Isn't it nice, Eric?

It'll be great to have
kids on the street.

That's what I said.

I've got a granddaughter
myself, Michelle,

she's living in council
accommodation in North Wales.

What happened to the twins that were
in that bungalow on the corner?

Fostered out.

Well, it's early days at the moment,

so let's just see what happens, eh?

Here's hoping!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, I think
I should take that, Michelle.

Cathy!

No vino for the bambino.

See, if you do run
into any trouble,

and you need to get
your sperm checked, Alan,

there's a place I went
that I'd highly recommend

cos their selection of magazines
was, well, was superb.

You know I was done in
just under, what, four minutes?

If you're looking for
a baby-sitter, Michelle,

my good friend Pat over the back has
recently switched to the vaping.

Well, we've got plenty
to be getting on with,

with all the stuff needing done
to the house, so...

We were just saying, Beth,

how everyone used to muck in
and help with the old DIY.

That's right.

Ah, that's kind,
but I think we'll be fine.

Awww. Are you sure, Michelle?

Yeah. We can help.

No, honestly.

Cathy, she's fine.

Aw, poor Michelle,
so much to do, unpacking boxes,

knocking down porches, lying
on your back when your phone pings.

SHOUTS: Cathy!

I don't want your help.

No, no, no, I insist.

In fact, why don't
we make a start on things right now.

Cathy!

Where's she going?

MACHINE BEEPS

What on earth?!

What's she doing?

No, no, Cathy! Cathy, stop!!

SHE LAUGHS

I'm actually going up the dump
if you're needing anything shifted.

Just a thought.

SHE LAUGHS

# I'm gonna roll out
the welcome mat for you

# Put on my Sunday best for you

# Cook up a great big stew for you

# That's what I'm gonna do

# For you, I'm gonna roll out
the welcome mat for you

# Now that's what I'm gonna do

# For you!

# That's what I'm gonna do
For you! #