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This programme contains
strong language
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DOORBELL RINGS
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Beth, that's Ian and Gordon!
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Hello, Eric. Christine.
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Ooh, hi, Christine.
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Beth, this came to me by mistake.
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Private and confidential. Ooh.
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Terrible rate you're getting
in these ISAs nowadays, isn't it?
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00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:29,200
Well, that's very kind of you,
Christine, but we're...
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Off out, are we?
Just for a bite to eat.
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Aw, that's nice.
What's the occasion?
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Nothing. Beth's birthday.
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Well, it was her birthday
during the week,
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so Ian and Gordon offered
to take us to dinner.
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Oh, that's lovely. That is nice, eh?
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Oh, happy birthday, Beth.
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Sorry I missed it. What day was it?
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It was Tuesday. Oh, Tuesday.
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No, I was away in town
handing in my sample that day.
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CAR HORN HONKS
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Well, that's them now, so...
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Where is it you're going?
Oh, it's nothing fancy.
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It's just like a pub that does food.
Oh, I like a pub that does food.
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Yeah, very informal.
That's the best way, Beth.
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Very flexible, too.
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Sorry? Well, not like
a restaurant where, say,
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you booked for four
and then five of you turn up.
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Then there's a problem!
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No, these places are much more
accommodating, aren't they?
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CAR HORN HONKS
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Would you like to...?
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I'll just get my coat. Thanks, Eric.
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ON RADIO: # Lead me
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# Out on the moonlit floor... #
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Ah, this is a real treat
for me, Gordon,
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being driven in for my dinner.
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I must thank you for organising it.
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Well, it's for Mrs Baird,
really, isn't it?
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This a regular haunt of yours,
then, is it?
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Erm, we've been twice.
No, er, three times.
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No, no...
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..twice. Last time,
it were two courses for £7.95!
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Oh, that's good, isn't it,
Beth? Ooh, yeah. Mm.
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A lot cheaper than buying a present.
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You didn't really need
to bother, though, Gordon.
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I could have just as easily
cooked us something at home.
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No, not on your birthday!
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Well, her birthday
was Tuesday, Gordon,
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so she's right -
she could have cooked.
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And she'd have done us three courses
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and it wouldnae have cost you
a fucking penny.
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HE WHISPERS: Dad? Mm-hm.
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You haven't got Mum a cake,
have you?
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Cake? No. Right.
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We could stop at the garage
and get a swiss roll.
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No, no, I was just checking.
Or there's Costa's.
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We can go in there and get her
one of those big Jaffa Cakes.
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No, no, it's fine, it's fine.
Forget it.
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Have you booked a table?
No, you just sit where you like.
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You order at the bar, don't you?
What's he saying?
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It's not waitress service.
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What do you mean
it's not waitress service?
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Well, you sit down,
the tables have got a number,
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you take that number up to the bar
and order your food.
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Christ, have I to put my hair
in a net and go into the kitchen
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and cook it for them, as well?
Where do yous want to sit?
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It's your birthday,
Mrs Baird. You decide.
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What about there?
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No. Eh? I'm not sitting at the back.
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Why? I want to see what
folk have got on their plates.
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Oh, for God's sake!
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Well, what about that one there?
Ah, that's fine. No. Eh?
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Next to the fruit machine, Beth?
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So...?
You're no' wanting that, Beth.
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Men standing next to you rummaging
aboot in their pockets for change.
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Mum, you decide. It's your birthday.
Well, not today itself, it's not.
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Well, we're out for your birthday.
Where do you want to sit?
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Look, I really don't mind.
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Right, that's good.
Come on, we'll sit over here.
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This'll do us fine.
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00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:21,640
Oh, thank you.
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Oh-ho! Big menu, eh?
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It's absolutely terrific, Mr Baird.
I don't know where to start.
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00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:33,560
Erm, which ones are on the deal?
Oh, just them three there. Ah.
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Would you like me to hang that up
for you, Mrs Baird? Oh, thank you.
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Pleasure. Empty the pockets, Beth.
There might be junkies in.
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Do you know, I think
this is the place that Pat came to.
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Right. She had the gammon steak.
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Oh, did she?
Great big slab of a thing.
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Lovely. Two fried eggs on the top,
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but still you had the fat
peeking out the side.
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00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,360
What are you fancying? I might
just get the nachos or something.
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00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:05,560
Oh, what are you having, Gordon?
What's he having?
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00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,200
He's thinking about nachos.
95
00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:10,440
Oh, lovely, Gordon.
Oh, I've seen them.
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It's like somebody's
ripped up a cardboard box
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and grated some cheese on it.
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00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:18,120
I quite fancy a burger.
Are you having a starter?
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00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:19,880
Nah, I might have a pudding instead.
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Can you do that? Well, I presume so.
It just says, "Two courses - £7.95."
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Some of the starters are practically
the same size as main courses!
102
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Can you do that, Beth?
Any two courses?
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I don't know.
It'll say somewhere on the menu.
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Whereabouts on the menu?
I don't know!
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Oh, wait till I get my specs on.
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Aw, isn't this lovely?
107
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Are you going to have a starter?
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Well, I quite fancy
the breaded mushrooms.
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Instead of a pudding?
Well, maybe as well as.
110
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So, you're having three courses?
Oh, can you do that?
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Give me a fucking chance, will you?
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Oh, here it is here.
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There it is. See?
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"Any two courses on
the meal deal menu - £7.95."
115
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Where's the meal deal section?
116
00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,400
What does it say about
three courses, though?
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00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,800
Oh, don't confuse me. I think,
if you're looking for three courses,
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you're on to the main menu. Ah.
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Do you really think
you need three courses, Eric?
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00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:19,440
Oh, here it is. Here it is.
There we are.
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"Any three courses, £9.50."
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Oh, I apologise, Mr Baird.
There you go.
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00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:29,840
Well, I'm just going to have
a main and a pudding.
124
00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:32,240
Well, if nobody else is having
a starter, I won't either.
125
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Oh-ho-ho, Beth -
they've got sticky toffee! Mm.
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00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:39,560
Do you want me to phone Pat
and see what size it is?
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00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:42,360
OK, are we ready to order, then?
I think so, yeah.
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00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,160
I am. Oh, yes, indeedy.
129
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:47,520
Right, tell me what you want and
I'll go up to the bar and get it.
I'll have the nachos.
130
00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:49,280
No, the veggie burger.
131
00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:51,040
No, the nachos. No, wait...
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Mum, what do you want?
I'll just have the fish, son.
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Battered haddock for me, Ian.
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Me, too. I'll have the fish, please.
Aw, look. Two twins, eh?
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Me and you - both haddocks.
The haddock girls.
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I'll go for that, as well.
Trust you.
137
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:08,600
OK, OK, OK, I'm going to have
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the sweetcorn fritters
with mango salsa.
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00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:15,080
Where's that?! Down there. Ah.
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00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:18,000
Oh, that sounds
fucking horrible, son.
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Eh, you stay where you are.
I'll get this.
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No, no, this is our treat.
Don't be daft.
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No, we wanted to get it.
It was supposed to be our treat.
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Away.
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Right, well, that's that sorted,
thank goodness.
146
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Oh, er, sorry, just one last thing -
what does everybody want to drink?
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Oh.
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SHE SIGHS
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Two seconds, honey. Ah, right.
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Colin!
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Oh, look who it is, eh?
152
00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:50,080
How are you doing?
Hey! Oh, bring it in.
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Bring it on in, Eric. Oh!
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HE CHUCKLES
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This is my neighbour.
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This is my neighbour.
What you up to?
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00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:01,160
I'm just having a drink.
Ah, right. Where's Cathy?
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00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:03,640
Cathy's no' here. She's away.
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00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:07,920
Where to? A spa. Oh, right.
Aye, she got a Groupon for a night
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00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:10,400
in one of they health farm places
in Perthshire.
161
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:12,480
Oh, that sounds lovely.
Aye, she'll enjoy that.
162
00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:15,640
Aye, she will.
She got a room on the ground floor
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so she can climb out the window
for a smoke.
164
00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:22,520
This is my neighbour.
What you doing here, anyway?
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00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:25,160
Oh, it's Beth's birthday.
We're in having a meal.
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Away! Aye. Well, it was during
the week, actually.
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00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:30,440
What, you were in
during the week, as well?
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00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:32,960
No, no, no, it was her birthday
during the week.
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00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:36,800
Ah. So, how come you're in today?
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00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:39,400
Right, what are we having?
Can I order some food?
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Course you can.
Colin, do you want...?
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Hello there!
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00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:48,280
Oh, hi, Colin. Oh, Christine!
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Didnae recognise you there
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00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:52,640
without your broomstick
and the flying monkeys.
176
00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:56,800
And there's Ian
with his...with his pal there.
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00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:58,400
Hello there.
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00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:02,400
It's good to see you
in a mainstream venue.
179
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:05,000
So, what's the special occasion?
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00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:06,760
Mrs Baird's birthday.
181
00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:09,560
Was. It was her birthday on Tuesday.
182
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:11,320
Oh, it's your birthday, Beth?
183
00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,880
I'm sorry. I didnae know.
That's fine.
184
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:15,920
Oh, here, I'll give you
a wee squeeze, eh?
185
00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:18,880
No, no, honestly.
Aw, come on. Up you get.
186
00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:21,160
Let's get you hugged, eh?
187
00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:22,560
Oops!
188
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:25,560
Sorry, no offence.
It's no' what it seems.
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You're all right.
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00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:31,240
Just because Cathy's away
doesn't mean I'm firing into Beth.
191
00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:34,640
Couldnae anyway,
no' unless I was really pished.
192
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:41,080
Where is Cathy?
She's away at the spa.
193
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:45,240
Oh. Ah, lovely.
Aye, I was just telling Eric,
194
00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:50,160
she got one of they vouchers for
this big, fancy place up in Perth.
195
00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:55,520
You want to see it. I mean,
it's got steam rooms, Jacuzzis.
196
00:09:55,520 --> 00:10:00,040
You know, and a big room
filled with oxygen,
197
00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:02,160
so it can clean out your blood.
198
00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:04,280
Oh, that sounds amazing.
So a proper detox.
199
00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:06,720
Aye, well, you know,
she's been drinking every night,
200
00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:10,440
so, you know, she gets
the benefit of it, you know.
201
00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:13,280
So, you're left on your own,
then, are you?
202
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:16,480
Aye, but, you know,
I don't mind it, though, Ian.
203
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:18,840
You know, give me
a bit of time to myself.
204
00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:23,240
You know, do a few bits and bobs,
catch up with a few of my pals.
205
00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:27,000
So, what you been up to, then?
Just been sitting in here.
206
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:29,760
Sorry to interrupt yous. Whoa!
207
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,480
Did yous order three fish?
Yes, we did,
208
00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:36,760
and I hope your chef has got
his oil up to temperature
209
00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:39,800
because I am not in the mood
for soggy batter, hen.
210
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:42,840
Nah, nah, what it is
is we've only got two left.
211
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:45,000
You what?!
We've only got two fish left.
212
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:46,920
Have you still got
the corn fritters, though?
213
00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:50,200
Oh, aye, plenty of them.
Well, it is your birthday, Beth,
214
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:53,480
so you've got to have one.
Hear, hear!
215
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:55,440
And I'm fucking sure
I'm having the other one.
216
00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:57,360
Right. Well, let's see
the menu over again?
217
00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:00,080
Hang on, hang on.
How big are they, the fish?
218
00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:02,560
They're quite big, aye.
A lot of folk don't finish them.
219
00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:05,800
My friend struggled with
one of your gammon steaks.
220
00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:09,800
Right. She eventually
took it home in her handbag.
221
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,600
Why don't we take the two
and I'll just split them up
222
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:15,400
and share them about? What?
Oh, that's a brilliant idea.
223
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:18,360
Let's just do that. Bring us an
extra plate and I'll sort it out.
224
00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:21,920
What, you just want a plate
on its own? Yes. Is that all right?
225
00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:23,440
Well, aye, I suppose.
226
00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:27,440
Wait a minute. If he's having
some of ours and a pudding,
227
00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:30,640
what does he get charged for that?
What pudding are you having?
228
00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:33,520
I'm not sure yet. Oh,
they've got sticky toffee, Eric.
229
00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:36,240
What size is your sticky toffee?
Christine!
230
00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:38,240
He's already paid
for a fish and a pudding.
231
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:41,040
So...? So, he's not getting
what he paid for.
232
00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:42,520
Aye, but he's getting a plate.
233
00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:44,360
She'll get a fucking
punch in the jaw.
234
00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:47,320
Let's do that, then.
Just get us an extra plate, thanks.
235
00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:53,160
Anyway, happy birthday!
Exactly. Happy birthday!
236
00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:56,880
She better no' be away in there
spitting in our meals, Beth.
237
00:11:56,880 --> 00:12:00,880
Let's do a toast. No, no!
Ah, come on, come on.
238
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:03,600
Oh, wait, I've no' got a drink.
239
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:06,280
Where's my drink?
240
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:10,320
He is absolutely hammered.
241
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:13,120
They shouldnae still be serving him.
242
00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:15,320
See, that's what happens, though.
243
00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:19,640
Folk just make a pig of themselves
as soon as there's cheap drink.
244
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,600
Oh, you're quite right, Christine.
245
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:28,440
That's a good, big glass
for £1.50, isn't it?
246
00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:31,560
Listen, he's all right.
He's no' doing any harm.
247
00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:35,440
# Happy birthday to you... #
248
00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:37,360
Shh! Shh!
249
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:38,960
# Happy birthday... #
250
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:42,160
Colin! All right, all right.
251
00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:47,840
We'll sing Happy Birthday later, OK?
OK, OK, fair enough. I'll just...
252
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:52,640
I'll just maybe have a wee trip
to the wee boys' room, eh?
253
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,440
Here, Christine,
254
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:59,840
you're not going to be the only one
about to enjoy a single fish.
255
00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:02,680
HE LAUGHS
256
00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:08,840
That is a disgraceful state
to get yourself into.
257
00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:12,560
Well, no wonder, if he's been
sitting in here since lunchtime.
258
00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:15,280
Bad things can happen when
you get into that sort of state.
259
00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:16,880
Last time I drank during the day,
260
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,480
I ended up ordering
garden furniture online.
261
00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:24,160
Eric, erm, do you not think
you should go in there
262
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:26,280
and see if he wants you
to put him into a taxi?
263
00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:29,160
Och, away! Go on, Eric.
He's not THAT bad.
264
00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:33,840
He's fucking blootered, Eric.
Go on. Och!
265
00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:39,280
You know the worst thing, Beth?
266
00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:42,960
He has invited himself
into your company
267
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:46,080
without an ounce of shame.
268
00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:48,640
Unbelievable.
269
00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:54,240
DOOR OPENS
270
00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:56,040
Hey!
271
00:13:56,040 --> 00:14:00,720
You all right, Colin? Aye,
there's just a lot to come out.
272
00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:04,280
Aye. Are you no' thinking about
maybe getting up the road, eh?
273
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:07,720
Oh, Eric, Eric.
274
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:09,960
Eric, Eric.
275
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:14,080
How often do we get the chance
to get a drink, just the two of us?
276
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:16,120
Aye, but it's Beth's birthday, so...
277
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:18,240
Aye, all right.
Get her a pint, as well.
278
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:23,240
Eric, Eric...
279
00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:26,160
You're a real pal, Eric. Right.
280
00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:31,080
I'm going to text Cath. Now, Colin?
281
00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:35,520
I'm going to text Cath
and tell her that I'm in the loo
282
00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:38,200
having a pish with my old pal Eric!
283
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,720
No, no, no. Just let her enjoy
her time at the spa, eh?
284
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:43,720
Look, come on. We'll go downstairs
and I'll get you a taxi, eh?
285
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:45,040
All right, all right.
286
00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:47,520
Here...
287
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:52,560
..am I being
a wee bit too much, am I?
288
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:55,000
No, no. Cos you can
tell me if I am.
289
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,720
Am I, Eric? Am I being a bit OTT?
290
00:14:58,720 --> 00:14:59,800
A wee bit.
291
00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:05,040
Right, OK.
That's fine. Fair enough.
292
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:07,960
Let's go. Let's go right now.
293
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,600
Hey! This is my neighbour!
294
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:13,200
# Neighbour... #
295
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:18,920
There we go. Oh, and, Mum,
we've also got you a wee something.
296
00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:23,040
Ooh, what is it? Aw, that's nice.
A wee surprise for you, Beth.
297
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:27,360
Saved yourself the price
of a stamp there, boys, eh? Aw.
298
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:30,440
What does it say?
"To the best mum in the world."
299
00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:33,680
It was the only one they had left,
so... Cheeky wee shite.
300
00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:35,240
Oh, what's this?
301
00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:38,440
Oh, that's a wee voucher for you for
that place you get your hair done.
302
00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:40,600
They've got a wee
beauty therapy bit now.
303
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:42,520
Oh, thank you. It looks lovely.
304
00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:44,760
Our friend Morven
had reflexology there.
305
00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:47,560
She had what? Reflexology.
You get it on your feet.
306
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:49,200
Oh, is that with the wee fishes?
307
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:52,240
What? Aye, you know -
the wee fishes in the tank
308
00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:53,760
that you put your feet into
309
00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:56,480
and they nibble all the dead skin
off your toes.
310
00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:59,320
Oh, I don't know. Oh, I had that.
311
00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:03,640
Aye. The guy said that they were
full up for a fortnight after it.
312
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:07,640
Hey!
313
00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:10,120
Ah. Christ, here's wee Tufty back.
314
00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:15,240
Colin. Beth, Beth, a little birdie
told me it was your birthday.
315
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:17,960
Colin! Happy birthday, missus.
316
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,720
Come here till I wish you
a happy birthday.
317
00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:22,520
You've already given her a kiss.
318
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:24,640
He's already given her a kiss,
Gordon.
319
00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:26,800
Come on, Beth. I washed my hands.
320
00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:29,960
Colin, I'll ask Ian
to phone you a taxi, OK? Eh?
321
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:32,760
I think Cathy would prefer it
if you went up the road.
322
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:36,280
Aye. No, she's at a spa.
323
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:39,520
Cathy's at a spa, Gordon.
Ignore him, Gordon.
324
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:42,400
Ian, just call.
325
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:45,000
Gordon, Gordon, you'll like this.
326
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:48,880
You know, there was a guy
in there earlier having a slash
327
00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:50,960
with his trousers round his ankles.
328
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:54,800
You saw the lot.
329
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:57,520
Right, I've got a haddock.
Whoo! There she is,
330
00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:00,320
with the fishes and the dishes.
Whoo! Whoo! Haddock!
331
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:01,880
Here!
332
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:06,320
Oh, look at that! Fucking yes, Beth!
333
00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:07,840
Another haddock? Erm...
334
00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:10,720
It's her birthday. Well, was.
335
00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:14,320
HE SLURS: Ian, you...you all right?
You all right, aye?
336
00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:16,080
Yous having anything?
337
00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:18,560
Sweetcorn fritters.
They're just bringing them.
338
00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:22,200
Right, OK. Right, apologies.
Nae bother.
339
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:25,840
Just start. I'm waiting
on my tartare sauce.
340
00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:27,720
Where are the sauces, Beth?
341
00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:29,880
We'll ask the waitress
when she comes back.
342
00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:31,800
Right, I've got a burger.
That's mine.
343
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:34,800
Excuse me? And sweetcorn fritters.
That's me.
344
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:38,040
Excuse me? Two seconds.
Whose is the extra plate, again?
345
00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:39,280
That's me.
346
00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:41,720
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
there's nothing on that!
347
00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:43,440
That's what he asked for. Excuse me?
348
00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:45,280
I mean, I know he's on a diet,
but come on!
349
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:46,880
It's all right, Colin.
It's all right.
350
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,080
We're sharing.
They're sharing their fish with him.
351
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:52,880
Excuse me? Oh, right.
I thought he got an empty plate!
352
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:56,560
Beth, I thought... I thought
he'd been given an empty plate.
353
00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:59,000
Look, I'm sorry.
354
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,200
I'm sorry, darling.
Just give us a hug, eh?
355
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:04,200
No, no, no. Colin, no! Excuse me!
356
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:08,520
Yes? Do you have any tartare sauce?
357
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,840
Yep. Anything else?
Erm, tomato sauce, please.
358
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,720
OK. Anything else? Vinegar, please.
359
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:15,360
Anything else? Is it sachets? Aye.
360
00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:18,840
Aw, well, fuck it, just bring us
two of everything, then.
361
00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:21,280
Right, give us
your plate over, Eric.
362
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:24,280
Here, Eric, you can have
some of these chips.
363
00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:27,480
Some of these massive ones
are quite hard in the middle,
364
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:30,400
so you can have them. Here you go.
365
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:36,360
Oh, you should have given him
the wee curly bit at the end, Beth.
366
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:39,840
There's bugger all fish in that,
Gordon. It's just pure batter.
367
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:44,040
That all right for you?
Mm, looks good. Yours?
368
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:47,160
Oh, yeah, it looks nice.
Let's have a wee look, Gordon.
369
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:48,600
Let's see what you got.
370
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:52,520
Aw, see, that's the thing
about being vegetarian -
371
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:56,360
you always end up with the shitest
thing on the menu, don't you?
372
00:18:57,840 --> 00:19:00,880
Oh, here's my friend again.
373
00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:02,680
Here, see when you...
374
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:05,000
See when you brought
that plate over,
375
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:07,960
I thought that was supposed
to be his meal
376
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,480
and you forgot to put food on it.
377
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:16,160
Oh, right, there we are.
Oh, that's it.
378
00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:18,600
Right.
379
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:27,840
Oh, bastard!
Have you got yours, Ian? No.
380
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:30,520
Fucking nuisance, these things,
aren't they?
381
00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:36,000
Oh, there we are!
That's it now. That's it.
382
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:39,320
That's it.
383
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:45,080
Mm. Do you know, I remember the days
384
00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:48,640
when this would have been a luxury -
going out for a meal.
385
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:50,720
Special occasions only.
386
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:54,160
Well, it's Beth's birthday.
Ah, well, was.
387
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:56,000
See when I was your age,
388
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,560
we never went out
for something to eat.
389
00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:01,040
No, we always got fed in the house.
390
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:04,720
Aye, and once in a blue moon,
you'd get a chippy. Aye.
391
00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:07,960
Oh, and you had the same
every week, eh?
392
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:09,880
You had mince on a Monday,
393
00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:14,880
and your cottage pie on a Tuesday
to use up the mince from the Monday.
394
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,760
SHE CHUCKLES
Stewing steak on a Wednesday,
395
00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:21,200
pork chop on a Thursday
and then your fish,
396
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:24,640
done in a crumb,
fried with an egg, on a Friday.
397
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,760
Oh, nothing wrong with that, eh?
398
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:29,880
Good Scottish diet.
399
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:32,640
My mother made that every week
400
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:34,720
till she had those heart attacks.
401
00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:39,560
I remember my mother used
to cook lamb every Sunday.
402
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:42,920
I loved it. Ooh, lamb.
403
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:49,040
Do you know that lamb comes from
an actual lamb, Gordon?
404
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,760
We always had chicken on a Sunday
405
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:53,760
and then, on the Monday,
we'd have soup.
406
00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:58,440
Oh, yes, that's your proper way
to make stock, you know -
407
00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:00,760
boil up the carcass of the bird.
408
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:05,640
Christine, Gordon's vegetarian.
Oh. Oh, sorry, son. Sorry.
409
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:07,640
I meant skeleton.
410
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:11,560
I tell you, I'm glad
that I ran into you today.
411
00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:13,360
I really am.
412
00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:15,320
It's actually made my day.
413
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:18,360
Aw. No, it has.
414
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:20,600
I'm actually feeling
quite emotional about it
415
00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:24,560
just thinking about it,
you know? Aw, that's nice.
416
00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:26,400
Any word on that taxi, Ian?
417
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:28,960
I mean, you're my neighbours,
you know,
418
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:33,560
but see just sitting here, you know,
watching you eating your chips,
419
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:35,520
it's made me realise that you're...
420
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:38,640
..you're actually my friends,
as well.
421
00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:41,000
Aw! Phone it again, son.
422
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:44,880
# Happy birthday to you... #
Oh, for God... Shh!
423
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:47,840
Colin! Shh! Shh! Shh!
# Happy birthday to... #
424
00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:49,960
What is it? What is it?
It's Beth's birthday!
425
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,680
I just want to wish her
a happy birthday, right?
426
00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:55,840
Yeah, not just now.
We'll do it later, eh?
427
00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:59,000
I'm sending Cathy a text.
428
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,560
Have you got enough? Aye, I'm fine.
429
00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:03,840
Have a few more.
Did you guys order a taxi?
430
00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:06,640
ALL: Yes! Colin, that's your taxi.
431
00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:11,000
Mm? Colin. What? That's your taxi.
432
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:12,400
Oh, right.
433
00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:17,560
Come on, I'll see you in to it.
434
00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:19,520
I need to get something
out the car, anyway.
435
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:21,680
PHONE BEEPS
436
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:21,680
Wait. She's text me back.
437
00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:23,760
Let's see. What's that, Gordon?
438
00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:27,680
I cannae see what that is.
Is that a picture of a flag?
439
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:30,560
What is it? She's sent me a flag.
440
00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:32,760
He asked her what treatment
she'd had done at the spa
441
00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:34,880
and she's just sent him a picture
of a Brazil flag.
442
00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:37,560
Oh, right. Come on, Colin. Let's go.
443
00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:39,360
OK, OK.
444
00:22:39,360 --> 00:22:42,080
Bye, Colin. Bye, Beth.
445
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:48,040
Beth, Beth... Happy birthday, Beth.
446
00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:51,800
Thank you. I'm very sorry
I didn't get you anything.
447
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:56,560
Och, don't worry. Beth, Beth...
448
00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:59,160
Colin, come on!
All right, all right.
449
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:00,840
Christine...
450
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:08,240
Right, let's go. Come on.
451
00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:10,320
HE EXHALES
452
00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:17,120
Two minutes, my friend.
453
00:23:17,120 --> 00:23:19,320
OK, well, that's us, then.
454
00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:23,360
Here, give us a hug, Gordon.
Aw, you're all right.
455
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:28,840
Just hope people don't think
we're a couple.
456
00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:32,080
No. I mean, you look it,
but I don't.
457
00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:33,880
Nae offence. That's fine.
458
00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:39,240
Do you think you can tell?
Tell what?
459
00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:41,800
If someone's, you know...
460
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:44,600
What is it you're meant to say? Gay?
461
00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:48,360
Aye, or bent or whatever.
Well, I can.
462
00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:51,680
You see, I can't.
463
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:56,080
You know, well,
I can sometimes tell lesbians,
464
00:23:56,080 --> 00:24:00,800
but see guys?
You know, it could be anybody.
465
00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:03,920
Do you know, there was a guy once
466
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:06,240
who gave me the eye
in Starbucks, Gordon?
467
00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:08,440
Really? Mm-hm. He was...
468
00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:10,680
He was standing
next to the marshmallows
469
00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:13,040
and he just looked at me.
470
00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:15,120
No. Looked at you how?
471
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:17,880
It was like this.
You know, it was like...
472
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:24,400
What is going on?
Erm, Colin's just telling me
473
00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:26,960
about the guy who were
coming on to him in Starbucks.
474
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:30,360
Oh, right. He looked at me
like this, Ian.
475
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:35,840
Right, well, erm,
we should just go in.
476
00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:39,840
What's that?
Erm, it's a cake for my mum.
477
00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:44,320
Away! Oh, come on,
I cannae miss that.
478
00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:47,400
Two minutes, my friend! Two minutes!
479
00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:54,200
Do yous want the menus back
to look at the desserts?
480
00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:57,160
Oh, I'm not really that...
I'm wanting a sticky toffee pudding
481
00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:59,400
with one of your lattes
in a big glass
482
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:01,600
with two bits of tablet
on the side, hen.
483
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:04,040
I'll just leave these here.
484
00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:10,640
Hey-hey! Oh.
Aw, you're fucking joking!
485
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:13,760
I thought you were...
I couldn't leave without singing
486
00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:16,200
Happy Birthday!
487
00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:19,040
Oh, no. Aw, look at that!
488
00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:21,480
Hey, you kept that quiet, eh?
489
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:24,440
Aw, that's nice.
A birthday cake, eh?
490
00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:27,240
Oh, and look - Tesco's Finest.
491
00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:30,840
You've certainly been getting
the five-star treatment today, Beth.
492
00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:33,600
You know, I feel bad I havnae
got you anything, honestly.
493
00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:36,240
Don't worry, we got her something.
Did you?
494
00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:40,920
I'm a last-minute invitation,
so I havnae had a chance.
495
00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:43,560
Oh, the boys got me a voucher
for a treatment.
496
00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:45,800
PHONE BEEPS
497
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:49,760
Oh, it's Cathy.
Aw, she's sent me a photo.
498
00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:52,680
Why don't we get this out of the box
and sing Happy Birthday
499
00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:54,720
so Colin can get on his way?
500
00:25:56,040 --> 00:25:58,200
Aw, that's nice, Beth.
501
00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:01,600
You've certainly got a lot
to choose from there, you know.
502
00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:03,720
Oh, thanks, boys. Pleasure.
503
00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:06,120
You could always get
one of these done, Beth.
504
00:26:06,120 --> 00:26:09,040
What's that? Look at that.
505
00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:14,560
Is that...? It's Cathy's, aye.
What is it?
506
00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:21,600
Aw, for God's sake!
507
00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:25,200
Sorry, Eric. I can't show you.
508
00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:28,080
Fair enough. It's private.
509
00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:30,240
It's Cathy's chuff.
510
00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:34,800
OK, are we ready? Shall we do this?
511
00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:43,520
ALL: # Happy birthday to you
512
00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:47,040
# Happy birthday to you... #
513
00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:48,360
At last!
514
00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:51,400
# Happy birthday dear
515
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:53,440
# Mrs Baird
Beth
516
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:58,560
# Happy birthday to you. #
517
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:01,600
Come on, everybody!
Hip hip! ALL: Hooray!
518
00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:04,920
Hip hip! Hooray! Hip hip! Hooray!
519
00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:08,000
Jeez!
520
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:10,000
SHE SNIGGERS
521
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:11,800
Are yous all right?
Is he all right?
522
00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:15,040
Aye, aye, he's fine.
He's all right. Sorry.
523
00:27:15,040 --> 00:27:18,480
Aw, what a shame. Is that
your birthday cake, as well?
524
00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:19,640
Don't worry.
525
00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:23,040
Whose birthday is it? Mine. Aw.
526
00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:25,320
Well, was.
527
00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:29,360
# Happy birthday to you
528
00:27:29,360 --> 00:27:32,080
# Happy birthday to you
529
00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:38,920
# Get your finger out of it
530
00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:42,560
# It don't belong to you
531
00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:44,240
# Get your finger out of it
532
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:47,880
# It don't belong to you
533
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:52,560
# I wouldn't give you a piece
even if it's your birthday, too. #
69632
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