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1
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This programme
contains some strong language
2
00:00:05,040 --> 00:00:06,960
Got him home this morning.
Just one night.
3
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:09,280
Still a bit sore,
but he seems comfortable enough.
4
00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:12,200
Do you want to try and sit up
and speak to Ian? Eh?
5
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:15,600
That's Ian on the phone. Do you want
to sit up and speak to him? Um...
6
00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:18,040
HE GROANS
7
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Oh, you all right?
8
00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:19,480
He's just trying.
9
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Oh, no! No, I cannae.
10
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He can't. Oh, too sore.
11
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"Too sore," he says.
12
00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:24,760
HE GROANS
13
00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:26,760
SHE GIGGLES
14
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,000
What is it?
15
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:29,840
He says you might
not be able to sit on it,
16
00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:31,720
but he bets you can still
talk out of it.
17
00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:33,320
HE SIGHS
18
00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:51,960
Ohh...
19
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:55,040
Hello there, Nurse,
the ward open for visitors, is it?
20
00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:58,880
Oh, she looks shattered,
doesn't she, Col? Oh, done in.
21
00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:01,520
It's as if someone's scraped
you off the floor.
22
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Well, it's all the worry.
You know, it's the stress, worry...
23
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Age. Age, poor diet,
lack of exercise.
24
00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:09,640
Still, at least we're here now,
Beth.
25
00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:11,640
Ah, yes! Thank goodness for that!
26
00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:16,640
Eric, you've got visitors.
27
00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:18,400
You all right, squire?
28
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:20,000
Oh, Eric!
29
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:21,960
Oh, Colin, look at him!
30
00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:23,920
Look at his big legs.
31
00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:25,920
Careful, please. Careful, Eric.
32
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I'm all right, I'm fine.
Let Colin help you, Eric.
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00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:31,080
He's good
at this kind of thing, Beth.
34
00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:33,280
He's pulled his dad out of a bath.
35
00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:35,720
Oh, shi... Eric!
36
00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:37,240
Oh! Too much too soon there.
37
00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:40,400
Just go and just take it easy,
let's get you back down.
38
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Back down, Eric, down. Lie down.
Down, Eric!
39
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:44,080
Oh, Christ!
40
00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:46,120
Dear me! What a state!
41
00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:49,240
Oh, Beth, this is horrendous!
42
00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:51,200
No wonder you look awful!
43
00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:54,040
Listen, I'm fine, it's just a
bit uncomfortable sitting up.
44
00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:57,080
Aye, when you actually
put pressure on the... Aye.
45
00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:58,680
Anyway, how's...
46
00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:02,320
So, it's the actual bum hole itself
that's ripped, is it, Eric?
47
00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:06,840
Oh, for God's sake. Look, Cathy,
it's no big deal. Well, that's good.
48
00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:10,040
Because, obviously, me and Cathy,
we were really quite concerned.
49
00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:13,240
Uh-huh,
concerned about your bum, Eric.
50
00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:14,920
It's more inside.
51
00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:17,680
Ah, it's the lining of the arse?
52
00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:20,720
Ah, right,
it's the bum lining, Cath.
53
00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:24,040
You don't say "bum lining", Colin.
54
00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:25,560
It's anus.
55
00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:27,120
Or is it rectum?
56
00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:30,240
Beth, you'll know, what's the
difference between anus and rectum?
57
00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:31,720
Excuse me, do you mind?
58
00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:33,880
Sorry, squire.
Look, we're just curious,
59
00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:36,840
we just want to know what it is
that's actually happened.
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00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:40,600
There's a slight tear
in my back passage
61
00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:42,520
from where they took
the camera thingy out.
62
00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:45,440
Nothing major, it's just one of
those things that can happen
63
00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:46,960
when you get the check-up done.
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00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,440
They only kept me in overnight
as a precaution.
65
00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:51,240
Otherwise, I am absolutely fine.
66
00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:52,960
Well, of course, you are.
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00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,280
Apart from the torn arsehole.
THEY STIFLE GIGGLES
68
00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:58,040
Aw, bloody hell!
Yes, apart from that!
69
00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:01,480
Right, here, before I forget, we've
brought you a few bits and pieces.
70
00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:02,680
Ah, that's very good of you.
71
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:04,120
One magazine.
72
00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:06,360
Look! Car! Woooo!
73
00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:07,680
SHE IMITATES CAR REVVING
74
00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:09,040
Maltesers.
75
00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:11,560
Oooh, chocolate - yummy, yummy,
yummy!
76
00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:14,080
And...eh, a banana.
77
00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:16,760
I found it in the changing
room at the gym, Eric.
78
00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:19,240
That's very nice of you.
You didn't need to.
79
00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:20,440
Oh, not at all, missus.
80
00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:23,200
It's the least we could do,
in't that right, Cath? Uh-huh.
81
00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:25,240
We're here for you, Eric...
82
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,240
..aren't we, Col? Oh, aye.
83
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,000
Well, until about 5.30,
84
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:33,520
then we'll need to go and get ready.
Mm-hm.
85
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:36,720
We're going out for dinner.
86
00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:40,720
OK, well, I'll take these through
and put the kettle on.
87
00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:43,360
Er...
88
00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:45,520
There's a bottle of wine in here?
89
00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:48,520
I thought about Lucozade, Beth,
but it hasn't got any alcohol in it.
90
00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:02,680
I had my prostate checked,
remember that, Cath? He did, yeah.
91
00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:05,400
I didnae actually mind it.
No, he doesn't.
92
00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:07,680
I had to lie on my side,
knees to chest.
93
00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:09,560
Is that what you had to do, Eric?
Yes.
94
00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:13,360
I was just a finger in a glove
though. I mean, yours was the...
95
00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:16,480
He had the camera, yes.
Boy, oh, boy!
96
00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:19,160
I don't know if I could take that.
No, you could.
97
00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:23,960
And was it when it was on its way
in or when it was coming out,
98
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,840
did you say that the
damage was done?
99
00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:28,640
Do we need to go in to all
the details? Beth!
100
00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:31,800
Look, he's been through quite a lot.
Of course, of course.
101
00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:35,360
Understood. Look,
we'll talk about something else.
102
00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:39,320
What about going to the toilet?
Oh, for goodness' sake...
103
00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,880
That'll be no Swiss picnic. Have you
done a poo yet?
104
00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:43,040
I don't believe this.
105
00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:45,560
Trying for a shite with your arse
in a mess like that.
106
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:47,360
Is this meant to be making me
feel better?
107
00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:50,360
You're normally very regular,
aren't you, Eric?
108
00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,320
Beth gives him muesli.
109
00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:54,800
I go in the morning,
straight after my coffee, bang!
110
00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:58,080
Don't I, Cath? Yeah.
Well, he's not been yet,
111
00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:02,760
but the doctor says everything
should be fine, just not to...
112
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:04,840
..force it.
113
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Ahhh.
114
00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:09,640
Happy? Everybody know all
they need to know?
115
00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:14,280
Good, so, do you think we could
possibly talk about something else?
116
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:15,760
Course we can, squire.
117
00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:17,120
Sorry, Eric.
118
00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:19,040
You just lie there and relax,
119
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:22,600
concentrate on getting that
arse of yours back to its best.
120
00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,280
HE GROANS
121
00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:25,920
Did I ever tell you about the time
122
00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:28,600
I nipped the wee bit at the end of
my knob on my car keys?
123
00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:30,000
DOOR BELL RINGS
124
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SHE TAPS WINDOW
125
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Right, I'm ready. Sorry?
126
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:42,320
Let's get going! They've got wee
tins of spaghetti at 24p
127
00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:45,600
and if we get a move on, we can get
some of those cubes of Cheddar
128
00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:48,960
off the deli counter before
the wee homeless guy hoovers them.
129
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:51,800
Christine, I forgot all about this.
130
00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:53,600
You're joking!
131
00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:56,200
I'm sorry,
it's just that I've been so busy.
132
00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:57,800
Oh, I see.
133
00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:00,880
Too busy to make sure
that your neighbour,
134
00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:04,160
who many people agree
should have a Blue Badge,
135
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:06,480
gets up to Asda for her shopping.
136
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:09,120
Look,
why don't you come in just now?
137
00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:13,360
Very disappointed.
138
00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:16,120
HE GROANS WEARILY
Very disappointed indeed, Beth.
139
00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:18,160
What's going on here?
140
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:20,640
Eric's been in hospital. Hospital!
141
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Oh, my God! I'm fine.
142
00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:26,000
What's the matter with him?
It's nothing really. It's private.
143
00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:28,200
He's ripped the inside of his arse.
HE SIGHS
144
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He's what?!
A camera tore his hole open.
145
00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:33,280
Oh, dear God!
146
00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:34,640
Beth, come on!
147
00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:36,680
Christine, it's a minor injury.
148
00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:40,360
Oh, that's a nasty place to have
anything. Oh, aye...
149
00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:45,000
I had a fold-up chair buckle under
me when I was at the caravan once.
150
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:47,760
A&E had me bandaged up like a sumo.
151
00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:50,320
He can't sit down properly.
152
00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:52,160
What in God's name happened?
153
00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:55,640
I had an appointment yesterday
for a colonoscopy.
154
00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:58,520
They put a camera up just to
check everything was all right -
155
00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:02,800
which it is, by the way - my colon
is in perfect working order.
156
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:04,160
Beth gives him muesli.
157
00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:06,960
It all went fine other than
the fact that there was a slight
158
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:10,280
problem towards the end when
they were taking the camera out.
159
00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:11,480
Did you clamp on it?
160
00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:13,760
What?! It's easy done.
161
00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:18,400
That's your body's natural reaction
to an alien object.
162
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:19,640
Not his.
163
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:22,760
There was a young student doctor
taking it out
164
00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:25,480
and I think she was a wee bit
nervous. She wasn't the only one.
165
00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:27,320
It's just bad luck. Uh-huh.
166
00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:29,600
Anyway, it's all taken care of now,
167
00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:34,600
so there's no need to discuss
any of it in any more detail, OK?
168
00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:37,800
Have you been for a shite yet?
169
00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:45,920
To be fair to you, Beth,
170
00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:49,320
when you forgot about my shopping
I thought to myself,
171
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:51,960
"I could slap
this dozy bitch in the face."
172
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,360
But now I see what you've been
dealing with.
173
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:55,960
It's terrible, in't it?
174
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:59,000
As soon as Beth phoned me, I says to
Cathy... Um, what did I say?
175
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,760
He said, "It's something to do
with his arse,
176
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,280
"we better go in for a bit,
177
00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:05,880
"but we'll not let it stop us
going out for dinner."
178
00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:09,280
You all right, Eric?
How's it feeling? Just the same.
179
00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:11,400
Excellent.
180
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:15,880
Where do you do your shopping,
Cathy?
181
00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:17,360
Sorry?
182
00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:18,800
Your shopping?
183
00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:21,040
Where do yous go for it?
184
00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:22,520
Colin, what does she mean?
185
00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:25,640
We just pick stuff up from
Marks & Spencer, Christine.
186
00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:28,840
Pat bought nectarines out of there -
187
00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:30,400
perfectly ripe.
188
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:33,240
So they fucking should be
at that price.
189
00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:38,000
Colin,
you could take Christine to Asda?
190
00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:42,960
Sorry? You could take her up for her
shopping, could you not?
191
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:44,560
In fact, you could go as well,
Cathy.
192
00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:46,440
Colin's got his wine,
he can't drive.
193
00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:48,600
But he's only had a wee sip of it.
Eh?
194
00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:50,880
You've only had a wee
sip of your wine.
195
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:52,600
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
196
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:54,360
HE GULPS
197
00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:00,280
It's a no, Christine.
198
00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:00,280
HE SIGHS
199
00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:01,680
I'll take you tomorrow.
200
00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:04,200
Tomorrow's no good to me.
201
00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:06,280
I've got nothing in for my dinner.
202
00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:07,480
Aww.
203
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:08,760
SHE TAPS GLASS
204
00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,080
Have you got eggs? Eh?
205
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:15,560
Well, if you've got eggs
you're never stuck for a dinner.
206
00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:19,160
I quite often make Cathy
a wee omelette if she's wasted
207
00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:20,960
and can't get anything
solid down her.
208
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:23,280
An egg for my dinner?
209
00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:26,520
I bet you're not having
a fucking egg for yours!
210
00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:28,880
We're actually going out for dinner.
211
00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:30,400
Oh, aye.
212
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:32,600
It's a couple we know from
the time-share, Christine.
213
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:36,760
Paul and Debbie. He's got his own
business and she's...
214
00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:38,640
she's his wife.
215
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:42,520
If yous two have to make a move,
don't let me hold you back.
216
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:44,280
No, no, no.
217
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:44,280
MESSAGE ALERT BEEPS
218
00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:46,600
Eric, what are you
having for your dinner?
219
00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:48,080
I'm not hungry.
220
00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:51,600
Ah, well, you should go round to
mine, cos there's fuck all in there.
221
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:54,920
That's Ian - he's coming round.
He says, "Do you need anything?"
222
00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:57,080
Aye, a new arsehole!
223
00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:58,480
ALL LAUGH
224
00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:00,000
No, I'm all right. OK.
225
00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:04,520
Is that Ian, is it Beth? Uh-huh.
226
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:07,680
And is he on his way over? Yes.
227
00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:10,520
Where is he now?
Just leaving his place.
228
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:19,320
Pat had a camera up her bum.
229
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:21,880
Remember I told you about that,
Beth? Yes.
230
00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:26,240
They primed her
with a finger though.
231
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:30,600
Mind you, that's some people's
idea of fun, isn't it?
232
00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:35,720
Sometimes more than
the finger, as well.
233
00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:40,960
Some people take the whole...
Christine, more coffee?
234
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,360
What's that called again?
Eh, Christine!
235
00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:44,920
What's that thing where...?
236
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:46,120
Christine! Fisting!
237
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:49,680
Fisting! That's it.
238
00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:51,280
WEARILY: Oh, my God...
239
00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:53,520
Though how, in God's name,
240
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:57,440
anybody gets pleasure out of that,
I do not know.
241
00:10:57,440 --> 00:11:00,440
I mean, can you imagine it, Beth,
242
00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:03,440
the whole hand inside?
243
00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:05,920
Like Sooty!
244
00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:12,000
BOTTLES CLINK
245
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:16,800
DOOR OPENS
246
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:16,800
Hi!
247
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:20,960
Aw, there he is!
My personal shopper has arrived!
248
00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:24,040
How's it going, how's Dad?
249
00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:26,080
Och, he's fine, just taking it easy.
250
00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:28,840
Get those Magnums straight
into the freezer, Beth!
251
00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:31,280
Where's Gordon? Uh, he's working.
252
00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:33,720
Did you get my Peperamis? Yes!
253
00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:35,040
Did you pay for it on your card?
254
00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:37,280
Yeah,
but I'll get the cash off her now.
255
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,760
Bring them in and I'll have one
with my coffee.
256
00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:46,720
Hiya, Dad. Hiya, Don. Ian!
257
00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:48,600
Ah, you've got visitors
already I see.
258
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:50,800
Oh, yes... Ian! Yes, Christine!
259
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:52,640
Where's these Peperamis?
260
00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:54,520
Are you comfy like that?
261
00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:56,120
Well, I was...
262
00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:58,840
He can't sit down properly, Ian. Oh!
263
00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:00,880
His bum's in a mess.
264
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:04,120
Can't stand any pressure
on the hole at all, Ian.
265
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:10,480
We're here for you though, Eric,
aren't we? Hmm? Aye.
266
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:13,800
What time is it now, Col?
How much do I owe you, son?
267
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:15,480
That's the receipt there.
268
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:18,600
Right, thanks,
let's have a wee look at this.
269
00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:21,760
Aw, I feel sorry for you, Beth.
270
00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:25,880
Col, I feel guilty about leaving
Beth all on her own with Eric.
271
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:27,680
Aw, I know, it's a shame.
272
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,080
Will you be all right, Beth?
273
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:30,360
I'll be fine.
274
00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:32,600
Aw, that's good, I feel better now.
275
00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:33,960
What's that?
276
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:38,000
Wait a minute - kitchen roll, £2?
What?
277
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:41,720
Christ, what do they absorb?
Apart from the contents of my purse!
278
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,440
And what's this for cream crackers?
279
00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:46,080
Oh, that's the double pack.
280
00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:49,520
Oh, right,
I'll let you away with that then.
281
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:52,560
Aw, aw, wait a minute!
282
00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:55,760
Sausages - £3?
283
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:58,800
They didn't have the ones you
wanted. These are organic.
284
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:00,600
They're what? They're organic -
285
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:04,000
the pigs are allowed to run about
wherever they want.
286
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:06,760
I don't care if they've been
running about
287
00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:10,000
with Peppa fucking Pig herself, son,
I'm no paying three quid for them.
288
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:13,760
Right, well, OK,
just call it 40 quid, Christine.
289
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,520
40 quid?
290
00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:18,360
Aye, well, it's £42 whatever,
291
00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:20,920
so just say 40 and that'll do us.
292
00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:24,640
38 and I get the points.
293
00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:26,720
You got any more nibbles in there,
Christine?
294
00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:28,880
I could do with a wee
something to keep me going.
295
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,320
Sorry, Colin, it's...
296
00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:34,280
it's just essentials I've got in
here, you know?
297
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,480
ASIDE: Beth, did you fire the
Magnums
298
00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:38,240
into the freezer for me, aye? Mm-hm.
299
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:40,960
Woooo! Look at this!
300
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,640
Cathy, put that down.
301
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:45,320
Beth, take that off her!
302
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:46,920
Get off me!
303
00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:48,360
I'm just joking, Eric.
304
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:50,120
HE GROANS
305
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:52,760
Oh, and by the way,
I got you a bag of onions,
306
00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:54,720
it was cheaper than the three pack.
307
00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:56,240
Eh?
308
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:59,040
What am I going to do
with a bag of onions?
309
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:00,600
Take them home.
310
00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:03,680
I tell you what you could do -
you've got leeks,
311
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:05,720
you've got onions,
you got carrots in there?
312
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,240
Well, knowing him,
I'll have a sack of the bastards.
313
00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:11,200
You've actually got everything
you need for a pot of...
314
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:12,520
Vegetables!
315
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:15,040
Soup! You could make soup!
316
00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:18,040
Aw, naw, naw, naw.
I cannae be arsed with that.
317
00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:21,800
Why not? All that chopping
and peeling and boiling
318
00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:25,920
and then you're farting
like billy-o for days after it.
319
00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:29,080
Did you not make me soup in
a Tupperware dish once
320
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:32,960
when I wasn't well, Beth?
Did I? She did! Remember, Col!
321
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:35,840
She handed it in, and I got you to
put it down the drain?
322
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:37,920
That's what you're needing, Eric.
Eh?
323
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,800
Soup for the invalid.
324
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:42,960
Aw, Mum makes great soup.
Aw, are you making soup, Beth?
325
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,640
What? Are you wanting some of my
veg? No.
326
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:48,920
On you go, Beth, make soup -
if you get your skates on,
327
00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:51,120
we could get a chance
to have a quick taste of it.
328
00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:53,000
Now, listen, I don't think...
329
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,240
Here Eric, that'll sort you out, eh?
330
00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:57,360
A big plate of home-made soup.
331
00:14:57,360 --> 00:14:58,840
How does that sound?
332
00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:00,040
I'm not hungry.
333
00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:01,680
And I'm not making soup!
334
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:04,800
MUSIC ON RADIO
335
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:13,120
Did you hear we're going
out for dinner, Ian?
336
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:14,920
Oh, right, very good.
337
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:18,200
That's why I'm not getting
too pished.
338
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:21,480
And we're here to see your dad,
obviously. That too, yeah.
339
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:24,640
It's a couple we met up
at our time-share, Ian.
340
00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:26,480
Debbie and Paul.
341
00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:27,520
Right.
342
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:28,880
He's got his own business.
343
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,240
And she's....
344
00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:34,520
..she's his wife.
345
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:36,400
He's got the right idea, Paul -
346
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:40,080
makes a lot of money doing something
he loves. What's that, then?
347
00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:41,160
He's a bailiff.
348
00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:44,800
Aw, here she is. Beth!
349
00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:47,040
How's it going in that kitchen
with the old soup, eh?
350
00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:48,520
Oh, soup kitchen, Colin!
351
00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:51,080
Aw, you'd be good at that,
Beth, eh? Wouldn't she, Cath?
352
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:55,440
Aw, yeah, yeah -
I can see you feeding tramps, Beth.
353
00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:58,760
You need to watch with
these soup kitchens, you know?
354
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:01,600
Pat was telling me
there's a lot of folk that go there
355
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:05,040
that are not actually homeless.
They just go down there for a feed.
356
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:08,600
Really? Aye, she goes down there
every Tuesday night
357
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:10,200
with her hood up
for lasagne and chips.
358
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:13,360
What kind of soup is it we're
having, Mum? Leek and potato.
359
00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:16,520
Aw, she's snaffled my tatties
as well.
360
00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:18,160
Ian, receipt!
361
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:19,720
You got any bread to go with it?
362
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:22,480
You want a slice of bread
to go with your soup, Eric?
363
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:23,880
I don't even want soup!
364
00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:27,360
Eric wants crusty bread with his -
you any crusty bread? No.
365
00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:29,920
You got any bread at all?
I've got a loaf of wholemeal.
366
00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:31,960
Aw, no. Aw, no wi' soup.
367
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:34,160
No. Nah, that's shit!
368
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,320
Christine, what've you got?
You got a loaf in there?
369
00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:38,280
Well, it was on my list.
370
00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:41,320
There wasn't any so I got you
four finger rolls instead.
371
00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:43,560
Aw, fucking useless.
372
00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:44,920
Never again.
373
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:48,560
What you really want with a bowl
of soup is a bit of crusty bread.
374
00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:51,840
Oh, yes, with right thick slices.
375
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:54,760
Aye, dunk it.
Aye, dunk it and soak it.
376
00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:56,160
Wipe the bowl clean with it!
377
00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:59,480
Oh, aye, and that would save
on your washing up, as well, Beth.
378
00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:02,200
Aye, I cannae believe
we havenae got any.
379
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:05,880
Aye, that's a shame - you'll just
have to eat your soup and go home.
380
00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:08,560
Well, not unless,
Gordon's coming over after work.
381
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:10,360
He's what? Is he, Ian?
382
00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:13,720
He's coming over after work
383
00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:15,960
so maybe I could get him
to bring a crusty loaf?
384
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:25,680
DOOR BELL RINGS
385
00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:27,080
I'll get it.
386
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:30,520
In you come. Did you get one?
387
00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:31,840
Yeah.
388
00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:37,480
Aw, here he is!
389
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,680
Aw, there's Gordon!
390
00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:42,760
This is turning into a great day.
391
00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:47,280
Aw, look at you, Gordon,
like a wee baker's boy.
392
00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:48,840
There he is with his loaf. Hm!
393
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:51,840
HE HUMS: Music From Hovis Advert
394
00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:53,680
SHE LAUGHS
395
00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:53,680
Aw, I remember that.
396
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:54,960
SHE HUMS TUNE
397
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,040
Here, did you come on your bike,
Gordon?
398
00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:01,000
CACKLING
399
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:04,120
BOTH HUM TUNE
400
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:09,640
No, I came in my car.
401
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:13,080
Look, Eric, look who it is.
402
00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:14,240
That's Gordon.
403
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:16,400
Say, "Hello, Gordon."
404
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:18,080
Hello, Gordon.
405
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,760
Aw, let me just give you
a little kiss.
406
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:24,160
That's just a thank you.
407
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:26,440
Well, let's see it then, Gordon.
408
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:27,880
# Da-dah! #
409
00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:29,560
That's what we're talking about.
410
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:31,080
Let's see it.
411
00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:33,840
Oh, here, I hope you've got
plenty of butter in there.
412
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:35,480
Butter, Beth, Butter!
413
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:39,200
Do you know, Gordon, that is exactly
the same kind of loaf
414
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:42,440
that I was carrying when I hit that
wee Indian man
415
00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:44,480
in the face coming off the bus.
416
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,280
How are you feeling, Mr Baird?
417
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:50,720
He's still quite sore, Gordon,
he's not done a poo yet,
418
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:53,280
but we're going for a meal
with Paul and Debbie.
419
00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:57,000
Here, Gordon, you come over here
and sit next to me, son.
420
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,440
You want a wee Peperami?
421
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:04,080
Oh, erm, I'm vegetarian.
422
00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:05,720
It's only a half.
423
00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:09,680
So, what exactly happened, Mr Baird,
424
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:13,080
or do you not want to talk about it?
I don't want to talk about it.
425
00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:14,960
He's ripped the inside of his...
426
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:16,200
HE SIGHS
427
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:19,760
Beth, did we ever find out
if it was anus or rectum?!
428
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:21,680
My money is on rectum.
429
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:25,320
Well, you get the Anusol for the you
know what
430
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:27,120
so I'd go the other way.
431
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:29,560
Were they checking your prostate,
Mr Baird? Colon.
432
00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:31,840
I've had a colonic irrigation,
Gordon.
433
00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:33,760
It was OK but I said to Colin,
434
00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:36,520
"I've had more come out of me
on a good bidet."
435
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:38,640
I've had my prostate checked.
436
00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:40,840
Have you? So have I.
437
00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:43,880
He actually quite enjoys
stuff round there.
438
00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:45,160
Okey dokey, folks!
439
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:46,400
Oh! Hi, Gordon!
440
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,280
QUIETLY: Welcome to the asylum.
441
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:50,040
At last!
442
00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:51,360
Aw, at last, eh!
443
00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:54,080
Smell that, Eric,
you'll take a bowl of that, eh?
444
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:55,960
You should eat something, Eric.
445
00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:58,600
Aye, right, OK. Good man.
446
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:00,120
You want to try sitting up for it?
447
00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:02,600
Do you want to sit up for your soup,
Eric?
448
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:04,880
Sit, Eric! Sit!
449
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:06,680
OK, OK, I'll give it a go.
450
00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:09,400
Col, give him a hand.
Do you want me to help you, Dad?
451
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,800
Can I do anything?
452
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,720
You just stay there, Gordon -
453
00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:19,080
did you see that thing on the
television last night
454
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:23,240
where the wee baby rhino got towed
out the mud by the Jeep?
455
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:25,600
ERIC GROANS
456
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:25,600
You all right?
457
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:27,880
Oh, oh, oh! Careful, Eric.
458
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:30,400
No, no, no. Too much, too much.
459
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:32,040
You sure? Yeah, too sore.
460
00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:35,600
I'm happy to hold the bowl if
someone wants to spoon it into him.
461
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,640
I'm not getting spoon-fed soup,
for God's sake!
462
00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:40,320
But you should eat something, Eric.
463
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:41,800
Aye, have something, Dad.
464
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:43,280
Oh!
465
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,680
Gordon, I'll do that.
466
00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:47,200
No, no. I don't mind.
467
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:49,720
I fed my grandma stewed apples
the day before she died.
468
00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:52,000
Ready, Mr Baird?
469
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,120
I can do it, if you want.
No, no, I don't mind.
470
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:55,920
Neither of you need to do it.
471
00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:58,200
And, open wide,
here comes a big one...
472
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,600
Oh, good boy, Eric! Good boy!
473
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:05,920
Oh, here's the loaf, Christine!
474
00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:08,280
Oh-ho, yes!
475
00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:12,400
There we go! I'm all right.
Thanks, Mum.
476
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:13,680
Lovely.
477
00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:16,800
Cathy, soup?
478
00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:18,320
I'm going to save myself for food
479
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:20,400
that's been professionally
cooked, Beth.
480
00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:22,880
But thanks.
481
00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:27,920
What do you reckon to it,
Christine?
482
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:29,040
Mm.
483
00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:31,880
It's well salted.
484
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:36,240
Is that the jelly stock
with the peel back lid, Beth?
485
00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:37,760
It is.
486
00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:39,880
Fresh parsley? Yes.
487
00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:41,280
Mm.
488
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:46,040
Well, I have to say...
489
00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:50,440
It's absolutely delicious.
490
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,600
Ten out of ten, Beth.
491
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:55,080
ALL CHEER
492
00:21:56,120 --> 00:21:57,840
Oh, wait!
493
00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:01,400
A wee bit of potato there
not cooked through properly.
494
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:05,200
Just the nine this time, Beth.
495
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:06,760
MESSAGE ALERT BEEPS
496
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:11,800
HE SIGHS
497
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:11,800
What?
498
00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:13,080
You're joking.
499
00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:15,120
What is it, Col? Message from Paul.
500
00:22:15,120 --> 00:22:19,240
"Sorry, we need to cancel tonight,
Debbie's tired."
501
00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:22,920
She's what?
Well, just says she's too tired.
502
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:27,440
Too tired? How can anyone be too
tired to go for a night out?
503
00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:29,600
What will I say?
504
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:31,760
Get him to give her a Red Bull.
Oh, Cath!
505
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:33,880
Oh, God, what we going to do now?
506
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:36,400
Well, we can't go. They booked
it and it's for four people.
507
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:38,520
Well, can't he bring somebody else?
508
00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:42,800
He cannae leave her sitting in the
house on her own. Well, can't...
509
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,080
Beth?
510
00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:45,400
What?
511
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:50,080
Would you and...Gordon like to come
for a meal with us?
512
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:54,640
I'm actually quite enjoying my soup,
Cath.
513
00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:56,280
Aw, great,
514
00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:58,680
so I'm just supposed to sit here and
watch him
515
00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:00,200
with his fat arse in the air
516
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:03,000
and Christine dribbling soup
all over the place.
517
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:05,600
Excuse me, I have not dribbled...
518
00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:07,440
Aw, fuck, so I have.
519
00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:09,800
Listen, don't feel you have to stay.
520
00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:12,240
Hey, hey, hey!
Listen, we're not going anywhere.
521
00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:16,160
That is the last, Colin.
We are never speaking to them again.
522
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:17,560
MESSAGE ALERT
523
00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:20,200
Oh, that's Paul saying,
"What about next Saturday instead?"
524
00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:22,360
Yeah, that'd be all right, yeah,
yeah.
525
00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:25,800
SHE SLURPS
526
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:28,760
SHE SIGHS CONTENTEDLY
527
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:30,360
Oh.
528
00:23:30,360 --> 00:23:32,200
Have you had enough?
Aye, that's enough.
529
00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:34,680
Have you had enough, Eric? Aye.
530
00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:36,960
Beth. What is it? Come here.
531
00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:43,880
I think I need to...
532
00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:45,600
I think need to go to the loo.
533
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:49,160
Oh, right, do you want to just
use that bottle again?
534
00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:51,600
Go on, and I'll get them
all to look away.
535
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:53,560
No, no, no. I need to...
536
00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:54,880
Oh, right, right, up you get.
537
00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:57,240
Right, come on. Take my arm.
538
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:01,360
What's happening?
He needs the toilet.
539
00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:04,120
This is him gearing up for a shot
at it now, Ian.
540
00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:05,440
ERIC GROANS
541
00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:08,120
OK?
542
00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:10,320
Yeah, fine, fine. I'll manage.
543
00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:24,280
Maybe someone should go
and make sure he's OK?
544
00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:26,840
I'll go, Mrs Baird.
545
00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:33,000
There we are.
546
00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:36,440
Thanks, son. Now, do you know where
everything is,
547
00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:39,360
you've got your sink there, you've
got your toilet paper, you've got...
548
00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:40,720
DOOR SLAMS
549
00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:48,240
HE SIGHS
550
00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:53,800
I wonder how he's doing in there.
551
00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:58,000
I tell you, this is make or break
time, this.
552
00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:01,640
Aw, poor Eric,
all alone on that toilet,
553
00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:03,840
his little face all scrunched up.
554
00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:06,680
Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze!
555
00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:11,440
Maybe we should go through
and just check that he's all right?
556
00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:13,560
Do you think?
Aye, I think we should,
557
00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:16,440
we cannae let him down at this
stage of the game, can we?
558
00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:26,240
What are you doing? Has he been?
559
00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:28,200
Shh! Are you listening
to him pooing?
560
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:32,040
No, Cathy, we're not. We're just
making sure he's all right.
561
00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:35,320
Nothing's come yet.
Is he actually on the pan?
562
00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:37,440
He is, aye.
I heard the seat creaking,
563
00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:39,120
so he's definitely sat down.
564
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:43,640
I think I heard something there.
565
00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:46,040
What did you hear? Was it plopping?
566
00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:49,200
No, just like a trickle of water
or something.
567
00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,200
He could just be starting
with a slash.
568
00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:54,280
OK, everyone, that's enough.
Let's go back through, come on!
569
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:56,400
Let's leave him
and give him a bit of dignity.
570
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:58,880
PLOPPING
571
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:58,880
Oh, what was that?
572
00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:01,600
MORE PLOPPING
573
00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:01,600
Oh, he's away now.
574
00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:03,880
PLOPS CONTINUE
575
00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:03,880
That's him now, Beth.
576
00:26:05,200 --> 00:26:08,160
That's smashing! He's doing well.
577
00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:15,520
Is that it?
578
00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:18,040
Possibly.
579
00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:19,960
He might just be having
a wee breather.
580
00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:21,760
ERIC GROANS
581
00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:23,320
No, that's him now.
582
00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:25,240
All right, Beth - quite happy?
583
00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:27,720
Maybe that soup
of yours did the trick.
584
00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:29,280
FLUSHING
585
00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:34,880
Well done, Eric, excellent work.
586
00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:36,600
Well done, Mr Baird.
587
00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:37,920
Good boy, Eric.
588
00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:40,560
Have you been stood out here
listening to me going to the loo?
589
00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:42,880
No, I was going through to the
kitchen.
590
00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:44,920
ALL MUTTER
591
00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:49,200
Unbelievable.
592
00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:54,080
Can I give you a hand, Mrs Baird?
593
00:26:54,080 --> 00:26:56,440
No, you're fine. Thanks, Gordon.
594
00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:59,080
Let her do it, son,
gives her something to do.
595
00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:06,000
What will we do for dinner then,
Cath?
596
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:08,240
I've had enough wine,
I'll need to switch on to vodka.
597
00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:12,240
What you boys doing for your tea?
I don't know.
598
00:27:12,240 --> 00:27:14,560
Maybe get a pizza? A pizza!
599
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:17,800
Here, Cath, when was the last time
we had a pizza?
600
00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:20,080
Ah, are you phoning a pizza?
601
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:21,760
That would save me making a dinner.
602
00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:24,840
Cathy, did we not get a voucher
for Domino's?
603
00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:27,240
In fact, you'll have had one!
604
00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:29,760
Beth, can we use your voucher?
605
00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:31,320
Beth!
606
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:32,400
No!
607
00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:34,520
What is it? What's the matter?
608
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:36,680
You are not ordering a pizza.
609
00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:39,200
Aw, Eric... No way! Forget it!
610
00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:43,040
Would you prefer a Chinese or
something?
611
00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:45,760
No, I don't want a Chinese!
I don't want anything.
612
00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:49,520
I've been lying on that couch
all day listening to you lot
613
00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:53,720
go on and on about cups of tea,
glasses of wine, bowls of soup,
614
00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:56,120
Christ, I couldn't even get five
minutes sat on the pan
615
00:27:56,120 --> 00:27:57,760
without a bloody audience!
616
00:27:57,760 --> 00:27:59,160
Well, no more!
617
00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:00,360
I've had it!
618
00:28:00,360 --> 00:28:03,440
Thank you for your concern,
but there's the door -
619
00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:04,720
you may bugger off
620
00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:08,040
and leave me and my dodgy
backside in peace, OK?
621
00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:09,600
SCREAMING: Oh, God!
622
00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:12,560
# Sit down
No, I can't sit down
623
00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:14,840
# Sit down
No, no, I can't sit down
624
00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:17,480
# Hey, girl, sit down
No, no, I can't sit down
625
00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:19,800
BOTH: # I just got a message
and I can't sit down
626
00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:21,480
# Sit down
No, no, I can't sit down
627
00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:22,840
# Sit down, hey, hey, sit down
628
00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:24,760
# Never, never, never, never will
sit down
629
00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:25,920
# Go away, don't bother me
630
00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:26,960
# I can't sit down
631
00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:29,040
# I just got a message and I can't
sit down
632
00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:34,480
BOTH: # I just got a message
and I can't sit down
633
00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:36,640
# I just got a message
and I can't sit down. #
75497
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