Original subtitles

[♪]

[♪]

ANNOUNCER: New challengers approaching!

[♪]

[♪]

You think she knows that's a flare gun?

No, not a chance.

- JOHN DOE: She ready for this? - QUIET: No way.

But if we tell her not to enter, she absolutely will.

[SCOFFS] That reminds me of someone.

You. It reminds me of you.

Yes, dummy, I know.

[BELL RINGS]

[WHISPERS] Fuck. Holy men.

Oh, god.

Hey, motherfucker, I remember you.

Relax.

I'm not trying to lose this tournament before it starts.

You're the guy who fought Preacher Jedidiah

at last year's gathering.

You wanted to fuck that orange car so bad

you killed him over it.

I'm sorry, you wanted to fuck Evelyn?

No. And I didn't kill your leader.

He caused the explosion, not me.

Oh, yeah? Well, why don't we ask him?

Brenjamin, bring forth our lord Preacher.

- Preacher? - He's alive?

[WHEELS SQUEAKING]

Whose baby is this?

Oh, this isn't just some baby.

No. This horny little fucker right here

is our preacher,

his immortal soul reborn

into tiny flesh.

Our father would never leave us.

Father never leaves. He just changes.

Tell 'em, Deacon.

We waited many long months.

And then one day, our preacher returned to us.

- He was in a tree. - Like a squirrel?

I'm not gonna lie. This little fucker is kind of cute.

Don't get those fingers too close.

He will bite them clean off.

Shut up!

Who could be scared of--

- [SNAPS AND SNARLS] - [YELPS]

- [INHALES SHARPLY] - [GIGGLING]

Hey.

Hey.

[EXHALES]

You freed me from Zemu.

Good looking out.

Yeah.

Seemed like the chill thing to do.

So, how are you doing?

With freedom.

[SCOFFS] Freedom.

Maybe one day.

Still drinking gasoline. Interesting.

But I do owe you one.

- Oh, it's okay. - Just one.

After that, I'll flatten you with my tires,

just like everyone else.

Well, unfortunately for you,

I'm not just like everyone else.

[GULPS]

[JINGLE PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER: New challenger approaching!

STU: I can't believe we're finally here.

The tournament!

Do you think I might get the chance

to cut someone's head off?

I've been sort of wanting to try that.

There is nothing I want more for you, Stu.

Oh, hey, look, it's our OG fan club.

I told you this would be the social event of the season.

We should go say hi before we murder them for sport.

You go ahead.

Those two are douchebags anyway.

I need to prepare for my next killing spree.

Oh, Stu, you're going to make me cry.

Do me a favor.

Make sure Harold doesn't pull the pin early.

He's got an itchy trigger finger.

Lactation is very rare in men,

but Brenjamin here has been blessed

with the nips of a mother.

Fucking wine corks.

I'm an unholy miracle.

Oh, if it isn't my two favorite critics!

- No, no-- - [YELPING]

[GROANS] Hi, Sweet Tooth.

- [SMACKS] - [WINCES]

So, what are you crazy kids doing here?

You come to cheer me on?

Oh, uh, not exactly.

Aww.

Hey, you know, I tried to kill this guy one time.

So did he.

This time we'll finish the job.

Brenjamin, time to put down Preacher.

- [PREACHER SQUEALS] - Then we'll put you down.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, you need any help with that little fucker,

hit me up. I've already killed one baby.

So what have you two crazy kids been up to?

Tell me everything.

[ENGINE REVVING]

[FLIES BUZZING]

[GAS SLOSHING]

Take a picture. It'll last longer.

Sorry. I was just admiring your... hat?

You're joining the tournament?

[LAUGHING]

You wouldn't last a day in the Florida swamplands.

The mosquitos would eat you alive.

[CHOMPING]

You're right.

You know what? I shouldn't be here.

Everyone's really scary, especially you.

You're smart to fear me,

because those who cross Vermin

don't live to tell the tale.

You're terrifying.

You know, I don't care what that guy Deacon says.

What did he say?

Oh, just that you're not a real competitor.

All bark, no bite. Stupid stuff.

Son of a bitch.

He also said something about you being a bug fucker.

Come on! That was one time!

I put ants in my pants,

and it's not my fault that it felt good.

I did it for a joke. Where's that fucker?

Okay, dickhead! Hey!

What the fuck are you saying...

[INDISTINCT ARGUING]

Excuse me. Would you like to know

who had some very specific opinions

about your eyepatch?

The clown said that?

Those exact words?

Swear to God. Or not God. The devil?

I don't know. whoever you swear to.

For what it's worth,

I don't think the Holy Men have gone so soft.

Soft?

Why, because I am an incredibly attentive father figure?

[SCOFFS] I'll show him.

The only thing more powerful than big ass guns

is a daddy's love.

Watch where you're going, you dipshit,

or, uh, I'll have to rip your balls off

and shove them up your nose.

Stu?

Mike?

[LAUGHING]

BOTH: I thought you were dead!

[LAUGHING]

Oh my God.

Are you real, or am I tripping?

I knew I shouldn't have foraged for mushies at night.

I'm very real, man.

Dude, if I knew you were alive,

- I would have-- - Hey, Michael.

Hammerhead is locked and loaded.

Hey, guy. That's a nice headband.

It actually brings out your eyes.

- Thanks? - Yeah.

Stu, this is my new homie Dave.

- Yeah. - Dave, this is Stu.

No way!

This is your old compadre, Big Stu.

[LAUGHING] Or just Stu.

You know, your reputation precedes you.

I mean, I've heard so much about you

- because of... - Yeah.

- Oh, awesome. - Yeah.

Cool. How did you meet this guy?

Well, after Sweet Tooth attacked us,

I was messed up bad, man.

So I rolled over in the fire to cauterize the gash.

- Let me help. Let me help. - On my back.

- Let me help. - Thank you, Dave. thank you.

Oh, god.

And next thing I know, I got found by some Butchers.

And get this,

Dave here was one of the Butchers.

[LAUGHING]

Crazy, right?

- What a twist. - Oh, yeah.

Seriously. I mean, we were

fattening him up for a barbecue.

Then Mike just kind of flipped the script on me.

He told me, um,

a man who eats man

is no man at all.

He's a regular Bill Shakespeare, right?

- Yeah. - But seriously,

from that day forward, I vowed

I would never let any man meat touch these lips.

Well, I'm just happy to meet my good pal Mike.

Hey, Stu, so am I, okay?

I would've missed out on a pretty damn good friendship.

[LAUGHING]

'Cause you would have eaten him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I would've eaten him.

- Yeah. - [LAUGHTER FADES]

So I saw your ass get dragged off the beach, man.

I thought you were burnt toast.

How the hell did you get away from Sweet Tooth?

Oh, super crazy story. I, uh--

SWEET TOOTH: Stu, Oh, my God,

there are so many cool people here to kill.

There's a human-car hybrid over there.

- I think he's on 'roids. - You're still with him?

I can explain it.

Hey, didn't I cut you in half? I never forget a victim.

You did. But you didn't finish the job.

Could you not tell anybody about that?

I mean, attempted murder is kind of a bad look for me.

Congratulations...

...on creating the perfect little minion

to do your bidding.

W-wait a minute. That's not what this is.

We're partners, equals.

Yeah, no, we're not.

As a matter of fact, yesterday

I massacred a roomful of random people

all by myself.

And you're proud of that?

You left me for dead

so that you could find out how to murder better?

- Yeah, about sums it up. - No--

Okay, Yeah. Come on, Dave.

We got a tournament to win.

I'll be right there, Mike.

Keep your head on a swivel!

Look, he's just got to cool off.

It'll be fine.

just remember, the road to self-discovery

is a long and arduous one.

Hey, one love.

I also love that mask.

It's really cheery.

And I think I'm looking at a dental ad.

It's nice.

Oh, man, that Dave guy's

got a real nice way about him, huh?

Fit, too. You can tell he really watches what he--

- [ENGINE REVVING] - Eats.

[PIPE ORGAN PLAYING]

This motherfucker.

That asshole killed Jeremy and Ashley.

Grimm! How the hell did you get out?

I threw away the key.

I got a special invitation.

And that's Mr. Grimm to you, Marcus!

You know that's not my name!

Oh, you're still in so much pain.

[GROWLING]

[SQUEAKY VOICE] Don't worry,

soon you'll be free.

[BRITISH VOICE] And your soul will be with us.

Marcus, huh?

What is that, Germanic?

[SNARLING]

Okay.

There's a lot of stone cold killers here.

We've got to stick to the plan.

What do we do about Axel?

I don't know. Maybe get him a damn shirt.

I don't think he'll be a problem.

We should avoid Sweet Tooth, because he's fucking bonkers.

The motorcycle guy will keep him busy.

- They got a history. - QUIET: Really?

- What else did you find out? - Oh, plenty.

That's Billy Ray Stillwell, a.k.a. the Junkyard Dog.

Dangerous for sure, but dumber than a box of assholes.

You really just got to watch out

for that spiked metal ball catapult thing.

The human cum sock is Chuckie Floop.

I heard he's the sickest driver in the country,

but I know poser when I see one.

Who I'm real worried about is Death Warrant,

bounty hunter from Dallas.

Heard he takes scalps

and weaves the hair of his victims

into his own mane.

That's a lot of hair.

Yeah, he's covering a bald spot.

He's very sensitive about it.

I think we're going to tear this shit up.

Fuck yeah.

And if the party gets a little rowdy,

I can always hit that EMP.

Solid recon.

That's really going to help us.

Help you? Bitch, I'm here to get my own wish.

Besides, no amount of intel is going to help

with Roadkill's janky turn radius.

What's wrong with our turn radius?

Good luck out there!

Calm down. She's just fucking with you.

JOHN DOE: I know that.

So you think you can spread lies about me, you little punk?

Stu's the one who called you a loser with a micro penis,

- not me. - I am not a loser!

Whatever.

I'll see you soon enough.

- [GIGGLING] - Eat shit.

- What a douche. May-- - Look, I like you guys and all,

but I'm not interested in an alliance.

Yeah, no, I get that.

But why are you making yourself a target?

I'm getting inside their heads.

It's mind games 101.

Do you understand

how dangerous this is going to be?

I can handle this, Quiet.

If you go out there, you're on your own.

We all are.

Wow. Way to be over-dramatic.

I'll keep the finish line warm for you.

[ENGINE REVVING]

ANNOUNCER: New challenger approaching!

John?

Interesting.

What the hell are you doing here?

That should be obvious.

But what I can't figure out

is why you fought so hard to escape me

only to end up here anyway.

Do you even see how annoying that is?

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Okay. So the sex is that good, huh?

I can respect that.

Just know once we get out there,

I'm going to be the one doing the fucking.

[MOANS]

Hmm, Hot Topic brought a fancy car.

Do you know how to drive that thing?

Fuck around and find out.

Toodles.

That's a different Raven, right?

There's a bunch of them.

This one, She's the boss.

Are they all hot?

Yeah. It's like "Gremlins."

[CHIMES PLAY]

Calypso.

[KNUCKLES CRACKING]

You gotta admire the showmanship.

We're really gonna wait for this door

to open all the way?

Just shh. He's building tension.

[GROANS]

Yeah this is taking forever.

[♪]

Ladies, gentlemen,

welcome to my contest.

Well, almost.

[GIGGLES]

You're not in it quite yet.

First, you must survive a qualifying round.

Yo, dude!

Not really taking questions yet, but go ahead.

So, what are the rules?

I feel like some of us are wondering.

I was just about to get to that, Mr. Floop,

if you'd just waited one second.

It's okay. It's okay.

- [HISSING] - Never mind.

The rules of the qualifier

are as simple as one, two, three.

One, grab a package.

Two, deliver it to Tournament city.

Delivering packages? We got this in the bag.

And three,

don't die.

The drivers who successfully deliver my packages intact

will move on to the next round.

Prepare for battle in ten, nine...

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

- Stu, go! - CALYPSO: Eight.

Seven.

- Whoo! - CALYPSO: Six.

- Go, go, go, go, go! - CALYPSO: Come on, now.

Five.

[ENGINES REVVING]

Four.

[CLANKING]

- Three. - [GROWLING]

Two.

You were right.

This guy does know how to put on a show.

One.

Let's rock!

[ENGINES REVVING AND TIRES SQUEALING]

[GUNFIRE]

[ROB ZOMBIE'S "DRAGULA" PLAYING]

[♪]

♪ Dead I am the one Exterminating son ♪

♪ Slipping through the trees Strangling the breeze ♪

[♪]

♪ Dead I am the sky Watching the angels cry ♪

♪ While they slowly turn Conquering the worm ♪

♪ Dig through the ditches And burn through the witches ♪

You sure you're not worried about the kid?

Oh, I'm sure.

She's not going anywhere without this.

- No! No, now now! Come on! - [ENGINE SPUTTERING]

Shit.

♪ Dead I am the pool Spreading from the fool ♪

♪ Weak and want you need Nowhere as you bleed ♪

Grimm at 12 o'clock.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

I've been waiting minutes to do this.

[NOVELTY HORN HONKING]

♪ Tender is the fur Dying as you purr ♪

♪ Dig through the ditches And burn through the witches ♪

♪ I slam in the back Of my Dragula ♪

Damn it! Come on!

Ah, you're not getting away that easy.

Oh, peekaboo, I see you!

Brenjamin, protect the God-child.

[GUNFIRE]

♪ Do it baby Do it baby ♪

- [BULLET DINGS] - [BUZZER]

Holy shit!

[LAUGHING]

[GUNFIRE]

STU: Get some!

Get some!

Yeah!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Ha! Nice shot, Harold! [LAUGHING]

[GUNFIRE]

I'm gonna enjoy this, Milkman.

♪ Devil on your back I can never die ♪

♪ Dig through the ditches And burn through the witches ♪

♪ I slam in the back Of my Dragula ♪

♪ Dig through the ditches And burn through the witches ♪

♪ I slam in the back Of my Dragula ♪

Damn it!

God, that felt good!

You know, your butt looks really

good when you're shooting.

♪ Do it baby Do it baby ♪

[BUZZER]

- [BUZZER] - [COMPUTER VOICE] Game over.

[BOOMING]

[BOOMING]

I think he's tracking us.

- Oh, shit! - [YELPS]

The little green light turned yellow.

- What do we do? - I don't know.

Not let it get red.

JOHN DOE: Step on it.

Let's hope it doesn't get carsick.

Spread out!

One of those heckin' bombs could take us all down.

[ENGINE REVVING]

[GUNFIRE]

Fuck this.

Now that's how I want to go,

earth shattering explosion.

And if I take Grimm with me, even better.

I actually don't wanna die in a big explosion.

Maybe we should get to the city and then kill him there.

No! We kill him now!

Fine. Let me take the wheel.

You can get a clean shot at him, partner.

- [CHUCKLES] - Stuby-dooby-doo,

that is a great idea.

[LAUGHING]

I got a grenade with your name on it.

[GRUNTS]

No! What are you doing?

Fuck Grimm! We'll get him in the next round.

- Stu! - [TIRES SQUEALING]

[LAUGHING]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Hey! What the fuck?

Shit!

Gotcha.

Whoo!

Fuck!

[LAUGHING]

[GUNFIRE]

[GRUNTS]

Ow! My fucking face.

Fuck. The kid!

Shit.

Shit, how could she-- Fuck!

We have to keep our eye on the prize, right?

- Right? - Right.

I can't go back for her.

[♪]

Turn around.

What? John, no!

Move over, goddammit, we're wasting time! Come on!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[ENGINE REVVING]

[MISSILE WHISTLING]

[♪]

[♪]