Original subtitles

Two Doors Down S7 Ep05 CYA E009R/02 BRD000000

Oh, hello. Hi, Beth. Just to say that's us back.

Thanks for keeping an eye on things while we were away.

That's no problem. How was it?

Oh, it was great, yeah. Wee bit of a delay on the way back, but...

That's us just in now. We've no' been to our beds.

The Vegas to Amsterdam was delayed, so we missed our connection.

Oh, that's a shame.

But you had a good time? It was brilliant, yeah.

It's like nowhere else we've ever been. What was it like, Alan?

Food everywhere.

Right.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

We did, it was great.

We've actually got a wee bit of news, as well, Beth.

Oh! Oh, my goodness.

You got married?

Congratulations!

Aw, you must be over the moon!

I am. I can't believe it.

And what about you, Alan? How are you feeling?

You must be delighted.

ALAN YAWNS

Eh?

Oh, aye, sorry. Aye, I am. I'm...

I'm made up.

Oh, it's great news! It really is.

Oh, thanks, Eric.

ERIC CHUCKLES

So, you won't have seen your mum yet?

No, but I spoke to her on the phone.

She's thrilled to bits. Ah.

It's really nice. We're going to go and see her this afternoon.

And what about you, Alan? Your mum will be happy, too.

I've not actually told her yet.

You were texting her from the airport, were you not?

Aye, that was just to tell her I couldnae get her fags.

It is such great news, Michelle.

You must be dying to let everyone know. I am.

I'm going to go through all the pictures the photographer sent,

and then I'll do a big post on Facebook.

Oh, that's a good idea. Save you having to do a big phone round.

That's what my pal Davey did when he was selling his Subaru.

Oh...

Michelle, would you mind if I let Christine and Cathy know?

They'll be thrilled. Oh...

Oh, yeah, go on. We'll probably run into them anyway.

Come in and sit a wee minute, come on.

Er, Beth, could you say to Ian, as well?

Him and me have just been doing so much chatting about weddings.

So, was this a spur-of-the-moment thing, or...?

No, I planned it all before we went.

And did you know? No.

I didn't know anything about it until the night before.

You did well keeping it a secret.

I wasnae gonnae tell her till the actual morning,

but I knew she'd want to shave her legs and stuff.

PHONE CHIMES

Oh, that's Christine saying she's going to pop in.

Aww...

QUIETLY: I thought you said we were only coming to tell Beth

because she'd taken our bins in.

Yeah, but we'll need to wait till Christine comes in now.

OK? Oh, for fuck...

Uh... Michelle was saying they missed their connection

on the way back. Oh, no.

Spent the night in Schiphol, then we got the first flight in the morning.

Oh, bloody hell. Did you get some sleep?

Naw. I've been awake for nearly 20 hours.

Oh, my goodness. Did you not get any on the plane?

Nah.

They had all the Kung Fu Pandas, Beth.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Well, you'd have had a wee bit of time to kill in Amsterdam, then.

Aye, a wee bit, Eric.

I thought I found a bit of hash underneath my seat,

but it was just a bit of clingfilm off a sandwich or something.

It gave us a chance to do a wee bit of last-minute shopping, Eric.

Aye, I got two litres of Grey Goose

and an ice-cube tray in the shape of wee tits.

DOOR SHUTS

Oh.

Here they are, Mr and Mrs Edgar.

Oh, hi, Christine.

Right, come on, let's have a look.

Oh, yes.

He's not made a fool of you, hen.

That is lovely, Alan.

Did you get that in Vegas?

Naw. H Samuel's in Braehead.

Oh, that's a nice branch, that.

They helped to remove Irene's ankle bracelet.

So, you kept this a secret, eh?

CHRISTINE LAUGHS So, had you this all planned?

No, I didn't know anything about it.

I thought we were just going on holiday.

I booked it all before we went.

So, where did you have it?

The Paradise Wedding Chapel, Las Vegas.

Oh, that sounds lovely.

It was like something out of a film, honestly.

Ah, he's an old romantic underneath it all, eh?

Aw...

How did you find that one, Alan?

Saw it advertised during the boxing.

ALAN YAWNS

Sorry.

Can I get you a coffee, or something?

Aye, on you go, Beth. That might keep me going.

What's this?

Oh, they missed their connection.

Had to spend the night in Amsterdam airport.

Oh, no.

I've been awake for nearly 20 hours. I'm absolutely shattered.

Have you had a chance to change your underwear, though?

I always think that makes you feel fresher.

No, we just came straight here, didn't we? Yeah.

Just black, Alan? Cheers.

I'll take one as well, Beth.

And put milk in mine, will you?

I find that black coffee's quite harsh on my stomach, Michelle,

not to mention the pan.

Can I get you something to eat?

No, I'm all right, actually. They gave us vouchers in the airport,

so I had something there. Right.

Ah, good they gave you vouchers, eh? Mm.

At least you're getting something to keep you going.

Yeah, I had a smoothie and Alan had a slice of pizza and two Heineken.

So, how are you doing, Christine?

Aye, I'm good, Michelle.

I've got quite a lot going on.

Did I tell you I've got a new priest? No, I don't think you did.

Where's Father De Marco gone?

He's taking some time out for some quiet reflection

over in Panama.

So, who have you got now?

Father Kowalski.

Oh, he is a breath of fresh air!

Such a spiritual man.

Always up at the hospital, does three masses on a Sunday,

and he's plastered the ceiling in the side hall.

ALAN YAWNS

Sorry. I'll be all right once I get this coffee into me.

I remember I had quite a delay coming back from Jersey, Alan.

How long was that?

Oh, it was only 40 minutes, but it meant that I missed Emmerdale.

There you go.

Oh... Cheers.

Bless you, Beth. Bless you.

So, did you say you'd got photos?

Oh, yeah. The chapel had their own photographer.

He sent them all over on email, but we've just not had a chance

to properly go through them yet.

Oh, well, that's something to look forward to.

Aye...

So, it was just the two of you, no family?

Just us. But we're going to have a big party for friends and family,

seeing as we didn't get a reception.

Ah.

So, what did you do on your wedding night, then?

Out for a steak, then we went to see the tigers.

Oh.

It was a lovely meal, actually.

They made a real fuss of us, didn't they? Oh, aye.

The bread just kept coming.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll go.

See they tigers, Alan, do you think they're drugged?

Hey! Hi, Eric.

Oh, is that for me?

Thanks very much!

ERIC GUFFAWS

No.

ERIC GROANS

Cheers.

ALAN YAWNS

Hey, hey, hey!

Here they are, the newlyweds!

What about this, then?

This is big news, eh?

Well, I've actually not told anyone apart from you lot yet,

so don't say to anyone.

Don't worry, Michelle.

Nobody I know would give a shit anyway.

Was it a spur-of-the-moment thing, was it?

Did you have a wee win at the puggys and just think,

"I wonder what we could do for a laugh"?

No!

Alan arranged it all.

Aye. You've got to book it all in advance and fill a form out online,

apply for a licence, reserve a slot.

Quite a wee bit to it, then, Alan?

Aye.

No' as bad as my HGV renewal, but no' far off it.

Well, we brought a wee bottle of bubbly.

It's not too early, is it?

Och, no, no. We're a wee bit all over the place.

I've been awake for 20 hours.

So, you've just been at it nonstop, the pair of you, have you?

We missed our connection, so we had to wait in Amsterdam overnight.

Oh, right...

Right, I'll go and get some glasses.

Oh, do you want help, Beth?

Uh...

Actually, erm, that'd be good. Thanks, Cathy.

Oh, f...

Have you ever been to Vegas, Beth?

No, we've not, but I'd love to go.

The hotels are amazing.

We stayed in the one with the fountains.

Even the bidet had three speeds on it.

What do you think we should do about a present for them?

Do you think maybe something for the house?

Yeah.

Get her something from that... that Dunelm Mill.

She loves all that shit. Hmm...

Do you want to try and think of something a bit more personal?

A pen?

So what's it like, then? Is it just like a proper church?

Aye. Smaller. Flat roof.

It's got pews and an organ, though.

You know, like a crematorium?

Ah, I get you.

What about the service?

Oh, that was really good, actually.

They tailored it individually towards each couple.

Aye, once they found out we were Scottish,

they put the Proclaimers on.

How much they charge, Al?

$250, plus tourist tax.

Oh, here, that's not bad.

Plus, I got the ring in a sale.

Right, have I got enough glasses?

Yes. Just get it open.

CORK POPS

That's so kind of you. Gosh, look at us!

It's quite early in the day to be drinking, isn't it?

Here, Cath, what was that place we stayed in when we were there?

Bellagio.

That's it.

The hotels are amazing.

The Bellagio, Caesars Palace, Luxor.

Here, where did you guys stay?

It was a Best Western.

Oh, right.

Well, here's to you.

Congratulations to the two of you.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Oh, let's get a look at the ring!

Oh, that is nice.

That really suits you.

Aw. H Samuel, Cath.

Uh-huh.

I tell you what, Michelle, see if you have a sudden weight gain

and that gets too tight, you get back into that branch

and they'll have it off you... SHE CLICKS FINGERS

...no problem.

So, what did you do on the night itself?

Did you... Did you hit the town?

Well, Alan had booked a really beautiful restaurant, hadn't you?

Aye.

Honestly, the fillet steak, I've never tasted anything like it.

And the staff were so nice, they just made such a fuss of us.

Then we got picked up by a limousine and it drove us through

all the streets, past all the lights,

then it dropped us at the show.

Straight in, front-row seats.

Honestly, the whole night was like a dream, wasn't it, Alan?

ALAN SNORES

Alan?

I tell you where did a good burger.

Wimpy. Remember Wimpy?

Oh, I liked the Wimpy.

I used to take Sophie in there.

Two cheeseburgers, two large chips,

two strawberry milkshakes,

and while she was eating that,

I would go for a walk round Littlewoods.

The portion sizes are enormous over in the States.

They are, Eric.

I fuckin' loved it.

Oh.

Remember that bagel I had in New York?

The pastrami bagel?

Oh, I loved watching him eat that.

He had his mouth open as wide as it would possibly go, Beth.

That was in that Katz's Deli.

Oh, When Harry Met Sally...

That's the one.

Oh, that's a great film.

Have I seen that?

It's the one where she fakes an orgasm in the restaurant.

Could she no' just have left a tip, like everybody else?

And then we went up to Tiffany's.

Do you remember that?

Aye, it wasn't an orgasm I had in there, it was a heart attack.

THEY LAUGH

Breakfast At Tiffany's - that's another great one.

Ah, see, a good breakfast, that would get me going.

I'd love to go to New York. Maybe that's next on the list.

Aye.

Pat's son went there, and he says there were folks

spitting off the top of the Empire State Building.

Would you go back to Vegas, Michelle?

Yeah. I don't know, it feels like there was so much more to it

that we didn't get to see.

Oh, well, I mean, there is the other side to it.

They don't call it Sin City for nothing.

We saw prostitutes in a Starbucks.

Aye, getting a wee coffee, keep them going.

I met two in the hotel we were in.

What? Aye.

I met a couple of them in the hotel.

Where was I?

Well, see the night you went to your bed early?

Mm-hm. I was still wide awake,

so I just got up and went for a walk.

How much were they wanting off you, Alan?

You went for a walk during the night and met two prostitutes?

Aye.

They were in the reception talking to the wee porter guy.

They were nice.

It was them that told me about the bus to the airport.

I can't believe this.

See, they know all they timetables inside out.

They do.

I've even seen them help folk off with their cases.

Mm-hm.

ALAN SCOFFS

Nothing happened.

Mm-hm.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh. That'll be Ian and Gordon. I'll get it.

Hiya, Mum. Hiya, Mrs Baird.

Oh, look, they are lovely.

I was just saying to Cathy we're going to have to think of something

to give them as a present.

They had some bird tables on offer.

I'll add it to the list.

Hi. Hiya.

Oh, hi, Ian!

Congratulations. Aw, thanks.

Aww!

Are they for me?

Duh.

Aww! Alan?

Congratulations, Alan.

ALAN: Cheers.

Congratulations, Alan. Are we having a hug?

No, we're not, that's OK.

I'll take a hug, Gordon.

Right...

There, you see. Oh!

That felt nice, didn't it, huh?

So, you kept this quiet. When did you get back?

Just this morning.

Was it amazing? It was, it was brilliant.

They did it for $250, Gordon.

Was that including your steaks?

We've been hearing all about it.

Las Vegas, Ian. Aye, I know!

Alan was with two prostitutes, Gordon.

Och, that's just the sort of thing that happens in Las Vegas.

Hey, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Eh, Alan?

I was only talking to them.

So, where did you have it, then?

The Paradise Wedding Chapel.

Oh, that sounds proper Vegas, that.

They said it's a bit like a crematorium.

You didn't do the old Elvis thing, then?

Eh, no.

We saw a couple doing that, though.

Getting it done by a guy dressed as Elvis.

Well, that's a classic Vegas wedding, that.

There's another place in America we've been to.

We've been to Graceland, haven't we, Cath?

We have, yes.

I've got a picture of Colin on the toilet where he died.

Is it plumbed in, Colin?

Or was it purely decorative?

MICHELLE: So, what about you guys?

What's the latest thoughts on your wedding?

Oh, we keep going round in circles, don't we?

Yeah, we looked at Loch Lomond, but then we went off that.

Then we, uh, looked at renting a big house in Wales.

Wales?

Oh, God! Beth!

What? The other thing is finding a celebrant.

They're all mad busy. Hmm.

Father Kowalski might do it for you.

Oh, right?

Well, not on church premises, obviously.

And not on a Saturday - that's his day for tiling.

We're not really up for a church ceremony, to be honest.

I don't know why people don't seem to want a traditional wedding,

conducted by a man of the cloth

followed by a reception in a hotel

with a purpose-built function suite.

That's what my brother did.

Well, that's right.

Good for them. And how are they getting on?

They're separated, and she's just been sectioned.

Well, you could always do what we did and go away somewhere.

Well, maybe that's an idea, aye.

Cheap flights to Poland just now.

You are not going away somewhere.

Your dad and I want to be there.

That's a point - have you told your mum?

Yeah, we've told her.

I mean, she was a wee bit disappointed she didn't get

to be there, but she's OK.

What about all your mates and stuff?

I've not told them yet.

I'm going to get one of our photos and do a big post on Facebook,

going, "Look what we did on holiday."

THEY LAUGH

They're all going to go mad, aren't they?

When Andy Watt posted that video of him in the sand buggy,

it got 346 likes.

So, we're going to have a big party as well.

Oh, that'll be brilliant. Count us in!

Here, the pair of you want a wee glass of fizz?

Aye, go on, why not? I'll get it.

Gosh, it's very early to be drinking, isn't it?

Yeah, it's brilliant.

Aww...!

Uh-oh.

Look, it's fine, I'm not that bothered.

I AM bothered. Colin, will you get another one?

I've been awake for 20 hours.

Actually, 21 now.

Yeah, listen, we should probably just head back

across the road shortly.

Shut up, Michelle. We've got to celebrate.

It's not every day you get married and taken out for a steak.

Two ticks, I'll no' be long.

ALAN SIGHS

HORN BEEPS

All righty.

Fuckin' tit.

So, what sort of thing are you thinking about for your party, then?

We're thinking about making it black tie and gowns,

so we can all get really glammed up.

Ooh!

CATHY: Oh, don't worry, Beth. I'll help you.

I'll be able to wear one of my bowties.

Uh-huh.

Oh, it'll be great to have all your friends and family

together in one place.

I know, I can't wait. It's going to be amazing.

I might go off the shoulder, Beth.

But I'll have my body-warmer on standby in case there's a draught.

So, when are you thinking of having it?

Oh, it's looking like probably the first weekend in July.

The Saturday? Yeah.

Isn't that...? Oh, no!

We're away.

That's the weekend we're in Barcelona.

Oh, no, you're joking?

Oh, a lot of people will say they're busy, Michelle.

Oh, we're really sorry.

Uh... No, it's fine. We'll just have a wee look at the dates

and we'll see if we can move it.

DOOR SHUTS

Hey...!

Oh, my God!

AS ELVIS: Ah, thank you! Thank you very much.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, my God!

REGULAR VOICE: Viva Las Vegas, baby!

Where'd you get that?

Oh, for a Halloween party a few years back.

What do you reckon, eh?

Oh, Col, give me a shot, give me a shot.

All right, there you go.

THEY LAUGH

# A little less conversation a little more action, please... #

Brilliant!

BOTH: # All this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me... #

Take a picture, take a picture!

Aye, there we go.

Right. That looks brilliant!

Hey!

Look at that. Oh, yes.

Michelle, Michelle, come on, let's get one with you.

Come on, Michelle. No, I don't... Cathy, please.

That's you.

Get these on. Oh? Oh.

Right, that's us.

Hey!

PHONE CAMERA CLICKS

Oh, brilliant.

Oh, get the wig, get the wig. Oh, right, OK.

Oh, no, no, no, honestly. Oh, yeah, come on.

Michelle, you've been in Vegas!

Come on.

THEY CHUCKLE

Woohoo!

I feel stupid. Well, you look brilliant.

Wait while I take a picture of this.

Come on, Alan, now you. Get up.

ALAN: Naw.

Come on, you big dozy baby.

Newlyweds.

Right, you! Get in there.

Come on, now. Say cheese.

FLATLY: Cheese.

Come on, you can do better than that.

I'm fuckin' knackered.

Right, come on. Are you ready?

Cheese. That's it!

What about one with the ring, as well?

Oh, yes. Oh, hold on a minute.

I'd quite like a picture of this, as well.

COLIN: Alan, take her hand.

That's you.

Viva Las Vegas!

BOTH: Viva Las Vegas.

There you go, brilliant.

Aw, that's nice.

It's a shame that we don't have a wee jumpsuit

for you, as well, Michelle.

Oh, no, I think this is enough.

Right, let's get this open.

You guys haven't got drinks.

Beth?

BETH: What?

BOTTLE CLINKS

Glasses?

Oh, right, yes.

Eric, open this. These acrylics are fresh on.

ALAN ASIDE: Jesus Christ...

I know. We'll get away after this one.

CORK POPS

ALL CHEER

Just as well it's not all shook up!

ALL LAUGH

Don't try to be funny, please, Eric.

Yeah...

There we go. Ta.

Here, get some for me, Beth, thanks.

All right? Thank you, Dad.

Smashing.

Not too much for Christine.

Thanks, Beth.

Right... Mm-hm.

Well, here's to you, all the best.

Aw! Cheers. All the best to you.

All the best. All the best.

Thanks, everyone.

BETH: Congratulations.

Mm.

Oh, yeah.

So, did you tell them on the plane that you were newlyweds?

Naw. You should have.

I told the crew of the SeaCat that it was my birthday

and I got a free bowl of soup and a tour of the bridge.

Ooh.

So, did they give you vows or did you write your own?

Well, I thought about writing our own, but when we saw

the ones they had, they were actually really nice,

so we just used them.

Do you remember, Alan?

Uh...

Do you...? Aye...

Do you, Alan Edgar,

take Michelle Anne Young...

Take this woman. What?

Take this woman, Michelle Anne Young.

Oh, shit, that's right.

Do you, Alan Edgar, take this woman,

Michelle Anne Young, to have and to...

Naw.

To love and to cherish.

To love and to cherish.

...to love and to cherish,

to have and to hold...

..for ever?

From this day. Oh, from this day!

Fuck's sake, I'm so fuckin' tired.

...to have and to hold for ever and ever,

from this day forward, till death us do part.

Bang, ring on.

OTHERS CHEER

PHONE CHIMES

That you?

Yeah, I'll get it later.

So, what about your mum, Alan?

PHONE CHIMES

Oh. Sorry, Beth. Excuse me.

Wait till I just pop this on silent.

PHONE CHIMES

Ooh, somebody's popular!

OTHERS CHUCKLE

What?

Uh...

Hang on, hang on...

What?!

Everything all right, Michelle?

PHONE CHIMING

That's weird. What is it?

I'm getting messages saying congratulations.

What? Mm?

PHONE CHIMES

How do they know?

I haven't said anything.

No, no.

PHONE CHIMES

Oh, my God.

That picture...

That picture's on Facebook.

What? The one that we just took there?

Yes.

PHONE CHIMES

How's that happened?

PHONE CHIMES

MICHELLE EXHALES

What?

PHONE CHIMES

Did you send that picture to anyone, Christine?

Just to Sophie.

MICHELLE GROANS

How is she?

PHONE CHIMES

Can I see your phone a minute?

Ha...

PHONE CHIMING

You've tagged her.

I've what?

You've posted it on Sophie's timeline.

How have I done that?

I don't know. But you thought you were sending it just to her,

but you've posted it on her timeline

and you've tagged Michelle in it.

PHONE CHIMES

Mm-hm...

PHONE CHIMES

PHONE CHIMES

All my friends, all my family,

everyone on Facebook,

they all know now, because they see me in my wedding ring

wearing a fuckin' Elvis wig!

Oh, Michelle.

Oh, that's...a shame.

I wanted to post one of the ones that we had done.

Oh...!

MICHELLE SOBS

Oh...

Right...

It's OK.

And listen...

...folk will probably just think you're pished.

Uh-huh.

PHONE PINGS

Aw...

That's Sophie.

She says congratulations.

Aw...

And Madison's wet her pants in the car.

Can you take the picture down?

What's the point now?

You could put your own picture up?

Yeah. Why don't you put one of your own ones up on Facebook?

Och, I will at some point.

Why not do it now?

That's what everybody will want to see.

It's quite cool, doing a funny pic, get them all talking,

then post the real thing.

Oh, well, that's a nice idea.

Och, all my pictures are on my iPad.

Alan, away and get the iPad.

We all want to see the pictures anyway, don't we?

Yeah. Oh, aye, sure we do.

Mm-hm. Yeah?

SIGHING: Two ticks.

Here.

You want a wee top-up?

Yeah, OK.

Aye, that's the girl.

Drinking always helps, Michelle.

Christine!

Bloody Facebook, eh?

You're better off without it.

Hmm.

Look, these things happen.

So, did that go to all your friends?

Mm-hm.

And all your family?

Yeah.

From just that one picture?

It's OK, Christine.

No, it's just wee Kowalski also does gardens,

so that would be a good way of spreading the word.

DOOR SHUTS

Ah.

COLIN: Oh, here he is.

Oh, right, let's get a look at them, eh?

Right...

MICHELLE LAUGHS

Where are they?

Uh...

Erm...

ALL EXCLAIM

That's us outside the chapel.

Aw, look at that!

That DOES look like a crematorium, doesn't it?

Mm-hm.

Oh, and that's us signing the book.

Oh, look at you both smiling there.

Oh, and these are the ones from the restaurant.

Ooh.

Oh, wow. Oh, aye.

They're big steaks, them. Ooft!

ALAN: Fuckin' massive.

Oh, I like this one.

Let's see.

They made the whole place stop and do a big toast to us.

Aww. It was so nice.

Aww... You should post that one.

Yeah?

Yeah, you look so happy, the two of you, in it.

I'm going to post it.

Right. Erm...

Elvis has left the building now...

...but look what we did

while we were in Vegas.

Aw! Oh, that's good, that's funny.

OK...

Erm...

Post...

SENT ALERT

Done!

Aw! Hey! Great stuff.

Listen, Michelle, we were thinking, we wanted to get you something,

you know, as a wedding present.

No, you don't need to do that.

OK, then.

So, how about we get that picture you've just posted

blown up and put in a nice frame

and then you can hang it somewhere in your house?

That would be so nice.

We would absolutely love that, wouldn't we, Alan?

Oh, aye. Let's get a look at it.

Oh, no way.

What? Aye, it is...

It IS them.

Who?

The two hookers I was talking to.

They're standing right behind us.

What are the chances of that?

MICHELLE WHIMPERS

PHONE CHIMES