Original subtitles

What about that chicken with the mushroom sauce and rice?

Mm, not sure.

Yeah... Pasta?

We're always having pasta.

HE SIGHS

We could phone something in.

On a Tuesday?

Well, what do you want, then?

Oh, I don't know, just something a bit different.

Egg and chips?

DOORBELL RINGS

Mrs Baird?

Yes?

You don't remember me, do you?

Um...

Darren. Darren McNaughton.

Ian's friend from school?

Oh, yes. Darren!

I'm just back for a few days and I thought I'd try and catch him,

but I don't have his number or anything.

Um...

Well, listen, why don't you come in,

and I'll give him a ring? See where he is.

I'm amazed you remembered what house it was.

No, no, I spotted it no problem.

Really? It's ages since you've been here.

Oh, yeah, but all the others have had stuff done to them

but yours is exactly the same.

Ach, I'm sorry to hear that.

Aye, she was a good age, though, Mr Baird,

do you know what I mean? Was it your mum's mum?

It was, aye. That must have hit her hard.

Oh, it did. She took a half day yesterday.

OK, see you shortly, bye.

He's going to pop over. Oh, brilliant.

So how long are you up for, then?

Just till the weekend, then I'm back down the road.

Ah, right. Well, I'm sorry it's under such rotten circumstances.

Ah, it's fine.

But as my mum says, "Darren, she'll be up there now with your papa,

"so we just need be thankful for all the good times we've had

"and get her house on the market before that boiler dies as well."

Right...

KNOCK ON DOOR

Excuse me a moment, Darren.

Ah, Christine.

That's them been.

Er, sorry?

Rentokil. Oh, right, OK. What did they say?

Aye, it's mice, Beth.

Oh, dear. So he's laid traps

and he's put my Frosties into a Tupperware.

Oh, well, that's good.

It's the humane ones he's put down.

Right, right. And if they don't work,

I'll just go back to smashing them with that sandal.

Right. Are you sure

you've not had any signs of them in here, Beth?

No, I don't think so.

Do you want me to come in and have a quick look round?

Well... It's no problem.

All I'll need's a magnifying glass and a flat-soled shoe.

And cos my gran had worked at the bus station for years, a few of the drivers came as well.

Ah. My mum said to them,

"She's not seen hide nor hair of you lot for years,

"and then six of you turn up at once!"

Oh! Aye!

And the only reason they made it at all was cos they got a taxi.

Ah...

Oh, hello. Who's this?

This is Darren, Ian's friend from school.

I'm actually just in checking if she's had any droppings.

What? Have you seen any?

They're like wee pieces of black rice, Eric,

but they're not rice.

They're actually wee pieces of shit.

No... No, no, we haven't seen any.

Aye, but would you know what you're looking for?

They're very small.

Well, I would hope so, if they're coming out a mouse.

Sorry about this, Darren. Christine's had Rentokil in.

Mm-hm. Oh, right. And where are they coming in from?

The vent at my tumble dryer.

And the guy says that he thinks they're using

the fluff residue as bedding.

Oh, they know what they're doing, don't they?

They do.

See, I used to have hamsters, so I've seen it all.

Oh... Right, well, it's good that you've got the professionals in.

I'm sure they'll get on top of it. So, um...

who'd like a cup of tea? Oh, yes, please, Beth.

Right. Darren, cup of tea? Or coffee?

I wouldn't say no to a cup of tea. Of course. How do you take it?

Milk and two, please, Mrs Baird.

Here, Beth.

Check your lino for any debris lying about.

That guy says they will hoover up any leftover food.

Bit like this one here, Darren.

Aye...

SHE SIGHS

So you were at school with Ian, were you?

Yeah, the academy, yeah.

Hmm. Did you do better than him?

He had very poor results.

Excuse me, Ian did OK.

What did he get?

Well, he...

I remember he got a B in English.

Ach! It's no' like it used to be.

I mean, they practically give them away nowadays.

Spell your name right and you get pass marks.

Ach, you're talking rubbish, isn't she?

I mean, what did you get?

A D.

Oh, it was maths that my daughter struggled with.

Oh, really?

Although she always had the right change

when the ice cream van came round.

What school did she go to?

Queen Margaret's.

Oh, Queen Margaret's. That's all right, that place, isn't it?

Yeah, she did quite well.

Certainly surprised a few of those teachers she had.

And what does she do now?

She's a homemaker in North Wales, Darren.

Oh, OK.

So where are you staying now?

Manchester. Ah.

Oh, Manchester?

You're a Granada man now, eh?

SHE CHUCKLES

Do you remember The Krypton Factor, Eric?

Oh, aye, aye.

That was Granada, Darren.

I... I don't think I've seen that.

Oh, it was a game show.

They used to put people through challenges,

sort of tested them to their limits.

A bit like she does when she comes in here.

I was very good at the observation round, Darren.

Oh, OK.

Hmm. Mind you, that was when I had the old specs.

So what brings you back up here, then?

My gran's funeral.

Oh, no.

Oh, dear. I know.

I am sorry for your loss, son.

Had she been fighting poor health for quite a while

or was she taken quickly?

It was quite quick in the end.

That's what I hope for myself -

no lingering,

just a swift and painless exit.

You can do one now, if you want.

It's been a tough time, but we've all sort of

pulled together and we're getting there.

And you can take great comfort in the fact

that she is now in a far, far better place.

Where was the funeral? St Luke's.

Oh, well, in saying that...

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it.

Have you got rats, Beth?

What? Um, no.

Well, we just saw the van. We thought you had a wee problem.

Is it a nest? Have you got a rats' nest in your house?

No, I don't, Cathy.

They were actually in at Christine's.

Has she got them? Oh, well, a couple of mice.

Oh, mice, is it? What have they put down?

Um... These sort of bait boxes.

Oh, look, why don't you come in and she'll explain it herself?

At Pat's funeral?

No, no. It wasn't.

It was. It was not.

I'm telling you it was.

No, it wasn't.

It was 50-50 with the crusts cut off.

Torpedo rolls are no way to show respect, Darren.

Hey...

Oh, hello.

Who's he?

Are you a rat-catcher?

I'm not, sorry, no. I work in digital marketing.

SHE SCOFFS

This is Darren, an old friend of Ian's.

He's up from Manchester.

Oh, Manchester?

Which bit do you live in?

Just near Canal Street. Hmm.

Oh, yeah, I see.

You've got it right on your doorstep.

Remember I had my photo taken there?

She made me stand in front of the C, so it just said...

Right! I was just telling Cathy and Colin

about your mice, Christine.

Oh, yes. I've had pest control in earlier.

Aye, we saw the van.

We thought maybe Beth was having Eric dealt with.

THEY LAUGH

They live next door, Darren. He's a cheeky wee shite,

but he can be funny occasionally.

So where have these mice come from, then?

Well, he says they're field mice looking for food.

Poor wee souls.

Just trying to put food on the table.

Well, not a table, but...

COLIN: So what have they done? Have they put traps down?

Bait boxes.

That's what they do nowadays, they're a bit kinder.

Oh, they are, Beth, they are.

But I've put down some cubes of bread

soaked in bleach as well.

Remember we had them when we lived in Deanston Drive?

Oh, yes. How did you get rid of them?

Oh, I just put down the old snap traps.

Oh, see, you know where you are wi' them, eh?

Yes. They're not very humane, though, are they?

Oh, you're telling me!

I nearly lost the tip of a finger in one.

So, Manchester, eh?

What made you want to live there, Darren?

Don't know, really. Lots going on, I suppose.

Lots of cafes, bars, restaurants...

COUGHS: Cock!

SHE CLEARS THROAT

I'm sure there are lots of good reasons

to live in Manchester, Cathy.

Aye, it's a big, bustling city, isn't it?

It is, uh-huh.

Aye. So you'll be getting it every night.

Oh, for God's sake, give the boy a bloody break, will you?

I am so sorry, Darren,

you must wonder what you've come into.

It's not always like this in here. SHE CHUCKLES

DOORBELL RINGS Oh, that'll be Ian. Excuse me.

Darren, what's this monkeypox?

Eh...

Hi. Hi. Oh, thank God you're here.

So you've got Darren McNaughton in there?

Oh, yes, and he's through talking to Christine and Cathy and Colin.

Oh, that's nice. What are they doing here?

Christine's got mice. What?

Just go through.

He did. No!

I'm telling you.

He also killed some heterosexual men.

Although, it was only the gay ones that got their dinner made for them.

DOOR OPENS

Ohh...

Hello! Hello, you! How are you doing?

I'm good, aye! Yeah.

Are you OK? Uh, good, yeah.

Oh, my God. I can't believe this.

I know. I'm sorry just to drop in,

I-I don't think I have the right number for you.

No, it's maybe changed.

And you're not on Facebook or anything, are you?

No. I can't be bothered with social media.

Anyway, listen, sorry, this is Gordon.

Hi, how are you doing?

Hi, I'm fine, thanks. Pleased to meet you.

That's his boyfriend, Darren.

Honestly!

Uh... OK.

So how come you're back?

My gran died, so it was the funeral yesterday.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

That cemetery at St Luke's is a fucking disgrace.

No disrespect, Darren.

Where is it you're living now?

Manchester. I was in London for a couple of years

and then I stayed in Bristol for six months,

but I just bought a flat in Manchester.

Oh, right. Whereabouts? Just off Whitworth Street.

Oh, yeah. Oh, do you know Manchester?

Not really, no.

COLIN: She took my photo just round from there, didn't you?

Aye, made me stand right...

Yes, thank you, Colin, we know.

ERIC: You used to go for the odd weekend to Manchester, did you not?

Oh, aye, back in the day, but I'm a homebird now.

I've literally just been painting a ceiling, haven't I?

Yeah, it looks really nice.

We've splashed out on Crown.

CHRISTINE: Ooh.

So how long has it been? I can't remember the last time I saw you.

Pfft. God knows. Years.

Aww, it's so nice you got back in touch.

Aye, the two of you were such great pals.

In fact, I remember, did you not stay over once or twice?

Eh...

CATHY: Oh, did you, Darren?

I think he might have. I can't remember.

Did the two of yous bunk up?

Honestly, I can't even remember why you ended up staying.

It was just crashing over at friends.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just friends.

Yeah. Close friends?

Cathy.

Oh, aye? Wee bit of the old Brokeback Mountain?

COLIN CHUCKLES IAN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

You weren't...?

I mean, we were, like, 16, 17.

Oh, so you were just experimenting?

Oh, Beth, experiments happening up in your boxroom.

SHE MOUTHS I think you can date a lot of this

back to the gay kiss in EastEnders.

You know, it's nothing to be embarrassed about.

I was the same at that age.

I'd have stuck it anywhere.

And then again, not long after that,

you had the two women in Brookside.

Do remember that, Beth?

I do, yes. Aye.

One of them buried a man under the patio and then became a lesbian.

Or was it the other way round?

CATHY: So, Ian, come on, spill the beans.

Was he your first? Cathy!

Yes, Cathy, that'll do us.

Oh, come on, Beth! Don't say you don't want to know.

Hmm? Ian, was that your first time with a boy, was it?

Up in the boxroom?

Well, yeah.

And what about you, Darren?

I had a wee try at a hand job on the French exchange,

but Ian was my first proper full go at it.

Aww... Isn't that nice?

Mine was in someone's porch.

Oh.

Aye, well, everybody had a first time.

Very good, there we go.

DARREN SLURPS

Where was yours, Beth?

GORDON GASPS

Eh...

I don't think that was the first time. What?

When I stayed over, I don't think that was the first time.

Remember the day we came back, and your mum and dad had gone to Asda?

Ah...

Oh! And where did you do it that day?

Come on. Was it in here?

Oh, my God, it was, Col!

Whereabouts? Where did you do it?

SHE GASPS COLIN SNICKERS

Cathy, that's enough. You're embarrassing the boys.

Look, we were all young once, let's just leave it there.

I've got a coupon for the Rug Doctor if you want it, Beth.

TOILET FLUSHES

So... Oh!

This is a nice surprise. Huh?

You didn't mention that he was your ex when you said we were coming over.

He's not really my ex.

Well, you had sex with him. Oh, my God!

You can't just say that anybody you've had sex with is your ex.

Yes, you can. You can if you've only had sex with about three people.

Four...

..if you count that thing that happened at the urinal.

So did anybody at school know that you had a wee thing?

No. Oh, God, no.

School was a nightmare.

Sunday nights were the worst.

I used to sit in the bath and think of excuses for why I wouldn't have to go in.

Hmm. Diarrhoea has never let me down, Darren.

God, I know. It was terrible, wasn't it?

Eh...you didn't have any trouble at school, did you?

Er, yeah. Did you?

Oh, aye. I mean, you didn't want to be known as gay at our school.

Did you get teased about it?

Teased? It was bullying. Full-on bullying every day.

What...? I mean, what were they doing?

Oh, just constantly getting picked on, calling you names.

It was a nightmare.

Poof. Bender.

Gay boy. Jobby-jabber.

CATHY: Jobby-jabber? That's very bad.

Fairy. Bum chum.

Arse bandit. Oh, that's terrible. Yeah.

So it is, Beth. So it is.

What about turd-burglar? Did you ever get that?

I don't think we need to hear any more of these.

It's just abuse and prejudice.

You see, I always thought that shirt-lifter wisnae quite as bad,

cos, technically, you could just be having a look.

I used to get picked on at school too.

Oh, did you, Gordon?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

What did they call you?

Lanky Legs.

ERIC: Well, I'll tell you something, see if I'd have known

all that was going on...

Oh, aye, what would you have done about it?

I'd have gone up to that bloody school!

Oh, they never listen to the parents!

The amount of times I was up at Sophie's school

complaining about the poor range of hot desserts!

If you'd gone up to the school, it would just have made it worse.

Anyway, I couldn't really talk to you about stuff like that.

Eh? We would always have listened to you

if you wanted to talk to us. Yeah, you say that now.

Christ, up until I was in my 20s,

he was still asking me if I had a girlfriend.

Eric!

You've never said any of this to me either.

Well, I'm fine with it now.

Do you need a hug?

Eh, no, I don't need a hug.

COLIN: See, back then, Ian,

there weren't as many of you around.

Yeah. Not in day-to-day life.

I mean, they were on the television.

Aye, on television.

They make for great entertainers.

But we didn't know anybody personally.

Er, I think you did. Who?

Remember David Walker that lived in the house on the corner there?

Aye. He was gay.

No!

IAN CHUCKLES

Aye.

I used to see him in town regularly.

You're joking?! Oh-ho-ho!

God, I took him for a game of golf once.

I took my trousers off in front of him.

Oh, well, he did well to hold himself back, eh?

Can you believe that, Cathy?

Well, I mean, his wife always did look quite fed up.

Oh, my God!

Well, you just never know.

I got fitted for a bra once

and the woman that did it cupped me just a wee bit too long.

Listen, I'm really sorry if you feel you couldn't come to us.

I feel awful.

I'm sorry. I feel like I've come in and put the cat amongst the pigeons.

Well, you have, actually.

Look, no, it's really good that you got back in touch.

It's so good to see you. Next time you're here,

you'll need to come to our flat. We're nearly finished doing it up.

It's looking good, isn't it?

Yeah, it's...OK.

Ceiling needs a second coat.

How long have you two been together?

Oh, God, about...

..three years? Three years, two months.

Oh, my God. That's three years longer than my longest relationship!

Aww, really?

CATHY: Ah, you see, that's more like it.

That's a proper gay.

So what is it, Darren?

You never met the right person, or do you just like

a constant stream of anonymous sexual encounters?

It's... Have you ever done groups?

Anyway, who'd like another cup of tea?

CHRISTINE: Oh, yes, please, Beth. Aye, on you go.

No, I'm OK, thank you. Just a tiny wine, Beth.

Er, Darren?

No, thanks. I think, eh, I'd better not.

CHRISTINE: It was the academy you two were at, wasn't it?

The academy, aye.

And what did they offer in the way of hot desserts?

Here, what did you make of what Ian was saying?

What about?

About him at school and feeling he wasn't able to tell us what was happening.

Yeah, well...

..we really should have known what was going on.

But I didn't even know he was gay.

Oh, come on. What, did you?

Well, yes. I think I did.

Well, why didn't you tell me?

Because I wasn't sure what you'd say.

You never tried it wi' a woman, Darren?

Eh, once. Did you not like it, no?

No. Maybe you didn't do it right.

No, I...I think I put it in the right one.

I've not. Hmm?

I've never done it with a woman.

Nah. It's always been boys for me.

Boys, boys, boys, boys...

CHRISTINE: Where does it come from, homosexuality?

Well, I mean...

..I don't know, it's just part of you.

COLIN: So, do you just know?

Oh, yeah. Yep. 100%.

You remember the first time we talked about it?

What a relief to know there was someone the same as you.

I know. I know, I was the same.

And did you just start shagging straight away, aye?

Here, Beth,

they're both saying that they always knew they were that way.

Did you know Ian was?

Well, yes.

I had a fair idea.

COLIN: So did we. Eh?

Oh, aye. Remember he went out for Halloween as George Michael.

He just nailed it, no bother.

I remember that.

I gave him a Braeburn apple and a fun-size Milky Way.

I actually think my father might have been.

What?! Your father?

Yes. Looking back, I think he probably was.

You see, maybe it's something that's passed down genetically,

like flat feet.

That might explain why my dad was so weird when I came out.

Was he? What did he do, Darren?

Did he... Did he slap your face?

Well...

..no. Oh.

ERIC: Your father, Beth? You think so?

Yeah. And what makes you think that?

Well, he had a close friendship with a guy who wasn't married,

and looking back, I think there was maybe more to it.

Beth, you should tell more people about this.

It makes you sound interesting.

Well, you had to keep it under wraps back then.

I mean, it was illegal. I mean, not like with you boys

with your piercings and your own bit on the beach.

Pat saw two men going into the disabled loo

in the old BHS once.

Not a wheelchair or a stick between them.

Mind you, she said one of them was kind of hobbling when he came out.

CATHY SNICKERS

COLIN: What about you, Gordon?

Any history of it in your family?

No.

See, this pair, they've got it in their blood.

Remember the first time we went to a gay pub?

Oof. Delmonicas. Is that still there?

No, not any more, no.

Yes, it is.

Actually, it is.

Remember Diane? Mad Diane. She worked behind the bar.

Oh, my God, she was off her head.

Remember the night she cracked open the fruit machine to get coins out

cos she'd run out of change?

THEY LAUGH

I remember that. Oh, Tuesdays nights were the best.

That was karaoke. Oh, that was such a laugh.

# Do you believe in life after love? #

God, that was a big one, wasn't it?

Yeah, she's quite obvious though, Cher, in't she?

Hmm? I always tried to go for something a bit more original

at the place I used to go to down in the gay quarter

on the outskirts of Harrogate.

Right. So what did you do, then?

Classic hip-hop.

Did you, Gordon?

Let's hear a bit.

Yeah, come on, Gordon, let's hear you.

# I said a hip-hop,

# The hippie, the hippie The hip, hip-hop-a

# You don't stop the rockin' to the bang-bang boogie

# Say up jump the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie the beat. #

Thursday nights were good as well.

We had some brilliant nights. Oh, we did.

The best. Honestly, just the best laugh.

CATHY: Do you know, it's so strange

to see Ian all happy and smiling, isn't it, Col?

It's good that it's still going. Oh, aye, it's still going,

but we don't really go out in town now, do we?

Let's go now. Eh?

Let's go. Let's go into town. Darren's come all this way.

Let's all go out into a gay bar and get totally fucking fucked.

CATHY: Yes, Gordon, come on! Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, let's do this.

We're up for it, aren't we, Col?

Well, aye...

..as long as you stand outside the toilet in case I need to go.

Beth, do you want to come and get shit-faced in a gay club?

No, Cathy.

Eric, you up for it?

Come on, Eric, get your hot pants on.

No. Christine, what about you?

Well, I'd like to, but I'd better go in and check my bait boxes.

Come on, let's do this!

Let's go and hit the booze with other gay men!

I can't go out like this.

CATHY: Well, just go and get changed, then.

I don't have any stuff with me.

You've still got some tops upstairs.

I'll need to go and get changed as well.

Darren, come with me and help me decide what to wear.

I'm hopeless with clothes.

Well, just come and give me attention. Come.

Where's this stuff, then?

Er, right, I'll come and show you.

This is great!

Can't wait to get into town and get strutting my stuff!

Do... Do they have locks on the toilet doors, Gordon?

I 'ope not, cos I am ready for action!

I...I might just walk about with my flies down all night.

Yeah, let the old cock hang out.

Yep, cocks, cocks, cocks!

I absolutely love them!

Are you all right, Gordon? Hmm?

You seem a bit wound up.

Me? No, no, I'm ready to go.

You really want to go to this place?

Does sound quite lively, Eric.

Are you sure you're no' just trying to prove a point, son?

What do you mean?

Well, cos this Darren boy's shown up and they've been talking

about all the stuff that they used to get up to,

you're wanting to do something

in case Ian thinks that your life's a bit boring.

I mean, Gordon...

..you're painting ceilings.

You know something?

I wish I'd been more switched on

and a bit more supportive of Ian when he was growing up.

So let me tell you something.

It's OK just to be the person you are, Gordon.

To hell with what anybody else says, just be yourself.

IAN: Right, how we doing?

You all set?

SHE INHALES DEEPLY

What's happening?

Do you know what, I think I might just give it a miss.

Huh? But it was your idea.

Yeah, but you and Darren go.

I think I'll just go home.

Well, listen, I'm not bothered about going either.

Are you not?

Nah. I'll just come home too.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

OK, are you going to get a taxi,

or will I get your dad to run you in?

Change of plan.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

I mean, bait boxes are all right,

but see the old snap traps?

There's a... There's a satisfaction in it,

from actually hearing the impact of the metal

on the mouse.

Have you got the poppers?

Oh, aye, sorry.

# The other man's grass is always greener

# The sun shines brighter on the other side

# The other man's grass is always greener

# Some are lucky, some are not

# But I'm so thankful for what I've got

# Yes, the other man's grass is always greener

# The sun shines brighter on the other side. #