Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language.

DOORBELL RINGS

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Ah, there he is!

How are you doing, squire?

Hi, Colin. Listen, I was going to ask,

what are you up to at the weekend?

Er, nothing, I don't think.

That's what I thought.

It's Anne-Marie's birthday, so I thought I'd throw her

a wee surprise party. You and Beth OK to come?

Oh, I don't see why not.

Beth? What?

We're not doing anything at the weekend, are we?

Er, no. Why?

It's Anne-Marie's birthday.

Colin's having a wee party.

GROANS: Oh, God.

Er... he's at the door right now.

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY: Ha! Er...

What time d'you want us?

Er, one o'clock, Saturday.

Oh, right, um, OK, no problem.

See you then.

Oh, that's great.

I tell you what, she's gonna love this.

Aye? Like surprises, does she?

As long as she's got her beta-blockers, she'll be fine.

Right, in you come, folks.

Aye, in here.

Oh, you've been busy, Colin!

ERIC: So you have. GORDON: Wow!

Love your banner there, Colin.

Aye, I went to the party shop

and I got a few bits and pieces.

Oh, it's great in there. Such a positive atmosphere.

Did you see the balloon arches?

I did, aye. They're amazing.

Aye, maybe for a 40th or a 50th,

but not for today.

Anything still to be done, Colin? Can we give you a hand?

No, no. Listen, I think we're all right.

Sit down.

Did you get a cake? I did, aye.

Oh, there's so many to choose from, isn't there?

Oh, yes. So what did you go for?

It was £6.99.

Oh. D'you want to see it?

Er, yes, OK. OK.

God, he's gone to a lot of effort.

He's raising the bar here, Dad, no pressure. Ach,

me and your mum don't bother about all this stuff now,

do we?

No. Nah.

Just checking the tethering on that helium,

but we're fine - he's gone for the weighted ribbon.

Right, OK.

So...what do you think?

Yes, lovely.

I-Is it a sponge?

Possibly, aye.

DOORBELL RINGS

Excuse me a wee second.

Hi! How are you doing? Hi, Alan.

Awright? She's not here yet, is she?

No, you're all right, not yet.

So what have you said to her?

I just said it would be me and her having lunch,

watching a bit of telly.

Oh, she's going to get some shock

when she comes in and sees all of us!

I know! She will, aye.

Are you still going to put the telly on, though?

In you come.

DOOR CLOSES

MICHELLE: Hi!

ALL: Hi! Hiya, Beth, how are you?

You look lovely.

Oh, thank you. So do you.

Aww. All right, Ian?

Mm. All right, Gordon?

Yous been watching Drag Race?

Er...

Wow, someone's been busy!

Yeah, no, he's done well.

Well, I...I wanted to do something a bit special for her.

What'd you get her for a present?

A new set of mats for the car.

Colin was saying he got all this from the party shop.

Oh, yeah. Oh, it's good in there.

It's great, in't it? They've got an app now too.

Oh, OK.

CHUCKLES

I like your banner there.

Not just make one, no?

Ah, just easier to buy one.

You see, a lot of folk just spray-paint something onto a bedsheet.

We saw one at the railings at the high flats, didn't we?

Oh, right. Saying, "Happy Birthday"?

No. Actually said,

"Paedo scum GTF," on it, Eric.

See just before Anne-Marie gets here, Colin,

we've brought that stuff for Jackson.

Oh, aye, there you go.

Aw, that's smashing!

Thanks very much for that. What's this for?

Oh, Jackson's doing an apprenticeship,

and Alan's sorted him out with a few bits.

Aww. Tell her

if there's a smell coming aff them, it's not fae my feet.

It's because I wore them when we were doon the slurry pits.

DOORBELL RINGS

NERVOUSLY: Uh, is it her?

No, no, no. It'll be Christine.

Beth, just shove that cake through in the kitchen, will you?

Oh...

Hello, Colin.

There she is! How are you doing, Christine?

Sorry to be slightly late,

but I was all set to go out the door

and then I needed the toilet.

It's always the way, isn't it?

It is. Anyway, two Buscopan

and a fresh pair of pants,

and here I am.

How old are you, Eric?

67.

How many more are you hoping for?

We should have got party poppers, or even confetti. Gordon...

Or a glitter cannon.

Mind you, try getting that out of permed hair.

Gordon, it's fine.

All we need to do is just shout "happy birthday"

when she comes in.

OK, fine, fine.

Just "happy birthday"?

Not "surprise" as well?

Ah, yous are aw here!

Ah! Oh, hi, Christine!

Oh, you look nice. Is that a new wee top?

It is, Michelle. Asda.

I got this, a pair of leather gloves

and four gammon steaks for £12.

Are we OK for time, Colin?

Aye, I mean, well, that's us all here now.

I mean, I said half past to her so, aye, we...we're fine.

So what's the plan for when she comes in?

Do you want us all to hide?

Well, uh, no, not really.

Er, if you're all tucked in there,

I'll just bring her in here, and then...

..you could all do the big surprise.

Do you want us to actually shout "surprise"?

Well, ah, shout something.

What age is she?

Ah, we'll just shout "surprise", Alan.

See, this is where party poppers would just add a layer.

It's quite exciting, this, isn't it?

Remember we did that wee surprise for Pat

when she was up in the Royal?

I do, yes. Did she like it?

Oh, she did.

Though it was just as well she was on a rubber sheet.

Okey dokey, are we all set, then?

Oh, before I forget, there's a card.

Aww.

It's got a wee kitten sitting in a gent's shoe on it.

RUSTLING: Oh, and there's this.

Oh, what's this?

It's a candle for the top of the birthday cake.

Oh, that's very thoughtful of you, Christine.

Ah, well, it was that or a badge,

and they were £1.50.

Ah.

Oh...

So yous don't watch Drag Race, then, naw?

Er, nah.

I tell you what, they're so cheeky to each other.

Worse than actual women.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, shit, that's the door!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. Where have we to be?

WHISPERS: Colin...Colin!

That'll be her, that'll be her. She's a bit early.

Come on, Alan. Where d'you want us?

Er, tuck yourself in over there, OK?

Right. That's it.

MURMURING

Right... Are you ready?

I'm ready, we're ready, we're ready to do this.

On you go, Colin. Right.

MICHELLE LAUGHS

I'll go and let her in now!

CHUCKLING

SNIFFS

Can I smell bacon?

Oh, that might be me,

Alan. The seal on thae gammon steaks was away,

so it could be a wee bit

of cross-contamination in that bag.

Sh!

DOOR CLOSES

ALL: Surprise!

SCREAMS

Jesus Christ!

What the f...? Cathy?

Oh, my God, I nearly shat myself.

What are you doing here?

Oh, nice to see you too, Eric.

What's...

..what's going on?

We were just, erm...

What's...what's all this?

We were hiding.

Colin, maybe you should tell Cathy

why we're all here?

Erm...

Well, so...

Well, basically we were all just...well,

they, uh...

You went away.

MICHELLE: SIGHS: Maybe we should just go

and you guys can have a wee chat in private.

No, no, i-i-it's OK, we...

BREATHES QUICKLY

We'll go through here.

So shall we tuck back in in case Anne-Marie comes?

When did you get back?

About an hour ago.

And you've come straight here?

Yeah. Well, I mean, I got him to stop at the garage

for a can of Red Bull, but...uh-huh.

And how long are you back for?

Well, I don't know. Um...

A while, maybe?

But...

You said you weren't coming back.

Did I? Yeah.

I don't...think I said that. No, y-you did.

You said, "I'm not coming back,

"it's over and stop leaving messages."

We all say things when we're on holiday measures, Col.

But I-I don't understand.

Are you saying you're back,

like in, you're back back?

Yes, Colin.

I'm back back.

Mum, do you think we should just go?

I don't know. What d'you think, Eric?

I don't want to just leave him.

I feel so bad.

Like, we shouldn't be here,

this is like a really private thing.

No, it is, Michelle, it is.

Shoosh, darling, till I see if I can hear anything.

Well, obviously I'm pleased to see you.

I-It's just...there's a few things going on today.

What things?

I'm having a...a kind of party.

Yeah, whose...whose birthday is it?

Not Eric's, surely - nobody bothers with that.

No, no, no. It's...it's someone else's.

Who?

Anne-Marie's.

SCOFFS: Anne-Marie's.

Who's...Anne-Marie?

Maybe one of us should go and stand outside

in case Anne-Marie comes.

Eric, you go.

And what am I gonna say to her when she appears?

Just tell her you've been sent outside to break wind.

She'll believe that.

GASPS

Colin, what's going on?

She says she's made a mistake

and she wants to get back together.

Bloody hell. I know, Eric.

She came straight here in a taxi fae the airport now.

How much did they take aff her?

Alan... And how do you feel about it?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, I missed her so much, Beth.

Don't just let her walk in here

and turn everything upside down.

He's right. If Cathy's serious and wants to come back,

you'll need to take your time and talk it all through.

And you'll need to think about Anne-Marie as well.

That's right. I mean, look at all this that you've done for her today.

That's got to mean something.

Well, aye, you...

..you're right, Beth.

VEHICLE PASSES

You're a-all right.

You're a-all right.

See if the driver's got a hankie.

I-Is it an Uber?

Because sometimes they have the wee hankies

in the back of the seat.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, don't you worry about that.

I've got black binbags here.

I'll get all your stuff together.

OK?

A-All right.

Okey dokey.

Bye-bye.

And...happy birthday.

Bye-bye.

How did it go?

It was tough.

SIGHS: But I'm OK.

OK, Col, all done?

Yeah. Listen, come on through.

OK.

CATHY LAUGHS

So!

How...are...we...all...doing?

SIGHS: Ian, you OK?

Oh... Gordon!

All right, honey, how are you?

Yeah...Yeah, I'm good.

Well, I'm all right.

CATHY: Mm.

GRUNTS

Michelle, nice to see you. How are you doing?

Yeah, Cathy, I'm fine.

Aw, th... Good.

There's Alan!

LAUGHS

All right, mate? Have you lost a bit of weight?

Er, naw.

Oh, you've only put a tiny bit on.

Christine, how have you been?

Ah, you know me. Struggling on, Cath, struggling on.

Oh, good.

Still waiting on a date to get this toe looked at.

Well, I look forward to hearing a lot more about that.

Eric.

How are you? How...er...?

How's...? How are your feet?

Um... They're OK, aye.

Good to hear.

I've missed you, Eric.

But not as much as I've missed this little lady here.

Beth. Beth, how are you?

I've missed you.

Yes, well,

I've not heard from you, Cathy. You just left.

I know, but I'm back, back home...

..to that man there, the man that I love.

What happened to the other one?

God, him?!

That...is all finished.

That is something we do not need to think about.

The important thing is, we are back together,

back where we belong.

It's good, in't it?

And she's nice and tanned, isn't she, Gordon?

Yes. Very brown.

This is bullshit.

Sorry, Ian?

We all make mistakes.

I remember when you got a skin fade

to try to look straight.

I had no idea when I went out there, Ian,

that I'd meet anyone else.

All I was looking for was an apartment

with a south-facing balcony and a 7% yield.

You know,

Colin was really upset when you left, Cathy.

He was in a hell of a state.

I mean, Beth was having to cook for him.

It was pretty basic stuff, though, Cath,

almost on a par with hospital food.

It did take me a while

to...to find my feet, but...

..I got there. You were better

when you got on Tinder.

Aye. The sex cheered him up.

Oooh!

Did it?

Well, I mean, er,

purely from a... from a fitness point of view,

yeah, it did...did me good.

Mm! So, um,

who was she, then, this...Anne-Marie?

She was Clydebank-based, Cath.

Oh...

Clydebank.

She was actually very nice and made a real effort to fit in.

Oh, did she, Beth? Oh, that's nice.

You and her big buddies, were you?

No, I'm just saying she was... friendly with all of us.

Oh, you were all friendly with her.

GASPS: Oh, that's nice.

Gordon, was she your friend?

Oh, Michelle, was she yours? And what about you, Eric?

Did she let you speak to her sometimes?

Listen, Cath, life didnae go on hold

just cos you weren't around.

Oh, no, I can see that! You know, making friends,

birthday parties,

sex with people from Clydebank.

Cathy, it was you that left him.

Yes, Ian, but to be fair, I've come back.

And all I want to find out is some basic information

about what's been going on since I've been away.

Is that OK with you, is it?

Look, Cathy, of course...we understand that.

Good. So...

What was she like in bed?

Oh, for God's sake. MICHELLE: Oh, come on!

I don't think we need to go into that, do we, Cathy?

I think we do, Michelle.

If Alan had slept with someone else,

you would want to know.

Well, if I'd split up with him,

it wouldn't be any of my business.

If we split up, I'd probably find somebody I knew,

just for the first few times. Alan...

I have been very open about things.

I think it's only fair I get to ask a few simple questions!

Huh?

So...

SNAPS FINGERS

Oh...

How was it?

Well, I-I mean...

It did the job. Oh...

Did you do...?

Yeah, aye. Er, Friday nights.

What about...?

Well, I-I suggested it but she's got sciatica

so, even with a pillow underneath,

you know, it's very awkward.

And did she...?

No.

I've never let anyone do that except you, Cath.

Oh...

Well...

Looks like we've got a bit of catching up to do, doesn't it?

Oh...

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

There you go Michelle, honey.

You enjoy.

Bon appetit.

And there's the Giant Wotsits there, Christine.

Oh, really? You never tried them?

No. They're good.

Michelle, she's no' tried Giant Wotsits.

All right.

Oh...!

Oh, Colin, that's... that's this bottle finished.

Er, all right, well, two ticks, I'll go and get another one.

Actually, no. I'll go.

Hmm? Let me go.

Are you sure?

Course I am, honey. I don't mind.

Anything I can do to be of service.

Two ticks, Beth, babes.

CRUNCHING

What's this like? It's just like old times, eh?

It will be when she cracks open the vodka

and starts lighting fags aff the cooker.

I actually think she seems different.

Do you think so? Yeah.

I think she's changed. Aye.

She's no' said "fuck" once. Alan.

I don't feel as frightened as I normally do.

And there's that super tan as well.

Oh, wow, well, there we go, she's a new woman, eh?

I know it must seem that I'm rushing into this,

but what you've got to understand is, me and Cath,

we're soulmates.

We've got a very deep and meaningful connection.

See what I mean?

WINE POURS

There you go, Beth.

Oh! Anything else I can get you?

Er, no. I'm OK, thanks.

What was it like in Egypt, then, Cath?

Very similar to Spain, only you can't go topless.

Nice weather?

Oh, God, yeah.

I spent so much time outdoors.

Yoga, sailing,

smoking. And at night it's lovely.

Take a little walk through the old town.

I mean, they had that "call to prayer" thing,

but if you put your headphones on, you could block it out.

Did you go to the pyramids?

CRUNCHES

Unfortunately not, Alan, but...

..I did buy a giant Toblerone in duty-free.

Anyway, how have you all been?

What's the news?

Not much, really, Cathy.

We got a new printer.

Oh, did you? Good!

So you guys been printing away?

Good.

Alan, you still got the van?

Aye.

She's got rid of the Suzuki, though.

Oh, did you, Michelle? What have you got now?

Yaris.

A Yaris, right. Good for you.

I've been very busy myself, Cath.

Have you, Christine? Aye.

I've finally had that abscess at the base of my back seen to.

Oh, that's....that's good.

It is.

No more sitting with my waistband turned down.

And I've booked up for Guernsey

in November, haven't I, Beth?

Yes, we got there eventually, yes.

Have you been there before, Christine?

I have, Cathy.

But never to the west of the island.

That is home to some world-class dairies.

And what about you, Beth? How's life been for you?

Er, yes.

Um, OK. Uh... Mm-hm.

I'm back at keep-fit. I can see that.

You're looking a lot less hunched.

We've, uh, we've rejigged the garden, haven't we?

Yes. And taken up some of the old slabs.

Mm. Good for you, honey.

You're better than slabs.

And what about your social life?

Has that been OK?

Well, yes.

Has it?

Er... I mean... maybe a bit quieter.

Has it?

Any reason for that?

Erm...

What's happened?

What's happened that's made your life so quiet and empty?

SIGHS: Yes, Cathy,

OK, we've missed you, but...

Oh, Beth... Don't cry.

Come on. Sh, sh.

It's OK. Gordon, Gordon,

you come in too. No, Cathy, I...

Yeah, so there's a man.

There we go. There.

That breaks it up a bit. Sh, sh, sh.

It's OK. We're OK.

We're OK. Cathy's come home.

That'll do us.

Do you know something? I...

I always knew this day would come.

Oh, really? Yeah, I did.

Even in my darkest moments,

when I was sitting next door with Eric and Beth,

I just... I just knew there'd be a day

where we'd end up together.

And do you know? See now it's here, I...

..I think we're all a bit overwhelmed, aren't we?

Listen, what d'you want to do about this hard hat?

Eh? The hat and the vest for whatshisface.

Jackson. Aye.

Jackson. Who's Jackson?

Um... Anne-Marie's son.

Oh, she's got a son!

Just turned 20, Cath.

Circumcised.

CRUNCHES

He's starting his first job

so Alan brought a wee bag of stuff

to give to Anne-Marie.

D'you want to say to her to see if she's still wants it?

Aye, I-I'll, um...yeah, um,

I'll give her a phone, see what she says.

Sorry?

GULPS: Well, er...

It's just... just to sort that out.

I mean, she's got a few bits and pieces here

I said...I said I'd drop off.

I thought you said you'd finished with her.

No, I have! I have. It's just, you know,

a few things that...

I mean, I...I suppose I could always...

Well, maybe... Maybe Beth could...

...er...or...

maybe I...

I don't need... Maybe I don't need to bother.

In fact... In fact, do you know what?

I'll just... I'll just dump them.

Yeah. Mm-hm. Uh-huh.

And, er, Alan, if you could maybe take that stuff back,

cos I'm sure Jackson will be fine.

I'm sure he will.

If he can manage without a foreskin,

he'll be fine without a hard hat.

Well, mm, that's what I'll do.

Ah, well,

I might just pop upstairs to freshen up.

I haven't had a minute since I got off that plane.

Yes, er, we'll not hang around much longer.

Is that all you've brought?

Sorry, Ian?

That wee bag - is that all you brought back with you?

Excuse me?

Aye, right enough, Cath, you've no' brought much stuff.

Well, this bag actually holds quite a lot.

It does, Ian.

It's the one she used to take to Faro on the tobacco runs.

So you've been living out there for all this time,

and you're saying you decided to move back,

and that's all the stuff you've brought?

They are very strict these days with the baggage allowance.

Ah, right.

So what about the rest of it, then?

Did you just leave it all there with your ex, did you?

No! What...?

In fact, who is this ex?

I mean, we don't know anything about him, or...

..why you broke up with him.

Colin, this...this is very distressing for me.

Do you know what I think?

I think you got dumped.

You got dumped by him,

so you threw some stuff into a bag,

jumped on the first flight you could get,

and then pitched up on his doorstep

because you had nowhere else to go.

He'd be good in the DWP.

Colin... That is not true! I...

I wanted to come home.

I've missed you.

I-I've missed all of you.

Really?

Yeah, well, not him. He's a little fucking snake.

Honestly, Col.

I'm just glad you're back.

SIGHS WITH RELIEF

I think we are all are, aren't we?

If you're both happy...

Aye.

If you're happy, then fair enough.

We are.

We're very happy.

Right, listen, I think we'll just go.

Yeah, I think we should make a move, too.

Are we going? We've no' even had a bit of birthday cake

nor nothing. Ooh! Is there cake?

Do you want a bit? Uh-huh.

Have the whole thing if you want.

Oh, no, wait. Let me get it. I'll get it.

I am the lady of the house.

Well, it was a surprise party, right enough.

SCOFFS

Well, the set-up was there.

Poor Anne-Marie.

Well, at least I caught her while she was still in the taxi.

I mean, imagine if I had to dump her in front of everyone.

Oh, aye, that would've been terrible for you.

TO THE TUNE OF HAPPY BIRTHDAY: # Welcome home to me

# Welcome home to me... #

WHISPERS: Join in, join in.

# Welcome home to me # Welcome home to...Cathy

# Welcome home to me # Welcome home to you. #

Right!

Let's get this bag up the stairs.

Colin, do you want to give me a little hand up the stairs?

Hmm? Could you give me a hand... up the stairs?

Er, yeah, y-yeah, yep. Yeah, no,

yep, er, that... that's not a problem.

Well, listen, er, good to see you all

and thanks for coming. As I say, it's...

..it's certainly been a...

Actually, fuck it.

FOOTSTEPS DASH UPSTAIRS

DOOR CLOSES

Alan, away through and get a knife.