Original subtitles

You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, honey.

Oh, hey. Hey, how you doin'?

Hi, I'm Rocky Carroll, welcome to tonight's

live episode of "Roc" and we're very glad that you're with us.

But I hope it's not because you were watching "In Living Color"

and just decided you were lazy to find out

what else is on, see?

We want you to choose us, so let me give you

the rest of your viewing options.

And then you can decide, okay?

Cocky, am I?

No, I just know what else is on.

Alright.

On CBS we have "Murder She Wrote"

which features "a murder at a film festival in Milan, Italy."

Italy! Folks, this show has been on so long

they ran out of Americans to kill.

Let's see, NBC.

"Eye-witness video features

dangerous storms recorded by a hurricane video."

Hmm. Mm-hmm, I get it.

It's sorta like a "Candid Camera" for sadists, huh?

And ABC, "America's Funniest People."

"Features a movie remake

called "The Worminator."

No, I'm-I'm serious. That's-that's what it says here.

Alright, folks. The way I look at it, you got two options.

You can watch our show or you can open a book and read.

Hey uh, before we go, one of our staff members had a baby today.

So, uh, congratulations to you

and happy birthday to my buddy Adam

from-from me and your grandpa, and to all my family back

in Cincinnati, Ohio, peace to you.

Uh.

♪ Them that's got shall have ♪

♪ Them that's not shall lose ♪

♪ So the Bible says ♪

♪ And it still is news ♪

♪ Mama may have ♪

♪ Papa may have ♪

♪ But God bless the child that's got his own ♪

♪ That's got his own ♪ Them that's got shall get ♪

♪ Them that's not shall lose ♪

♪ Them that's got shall get ♪

♪ Them that's not shall lose ♪

Hey, if it isn't the sexiest nurse in Baltimore.

Yeah, yeah, right, Roc, get this

piece of junk out my living room.

Hey, this isn't junk, this is a foosball table.

You know, miniature soccer, I found it on my route.

Roc, honey, baby, I love my work too.

But you don't see me comin' home every night

from the hospital with Jell-O and bedpans.

Oh, don't worry, sweet heart.

I-I'll have Joey fix it up and sell it.

Hey, hey, hey, what's the matter?

It's all the politics about this promotion that I'm up for.

You know, Cynthia and Jamie.

The other nurses that I'm competing with.

Yeah, Cynthia, she's the one who ate up

all the food at the birthday party, huh?

Even had the nerve to ask for a plate when she left.

Yeah, and Jamie is the bony white one.

Yeah, well, Cynthia has been telling all the doctors

that I disconnect my patient's call buttons.

And Jamie, she's getting it on with the chief surgeon.

I thought I could get this promotion

the old fashion way and earn it.

Well, that's what Jamie's doing.

Only her way's even older.

Well, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Now, I-I thought Matty decides who gets that promotion.

I mean she's the head nurse.

Yeah, but the doctors have a lot of influence

and Matty and I...we aren't exactly running buddies.

I mean, I wish there was a way I could get closer to her.

But what do I have in common with a 56-year-old woman?

Well, you both wear those ugly white shoes.

- Daddy! Hey, daddy? - Hmm?

You met Matty remember?

- At the hospital picnic. - Oh, sure.

Very attractive woman.

Brought the potato salad.

Her potatoes were nice and firm.

I like that in a woman.

Well, you know, daddy, uh...

...Matty is single and she hasn't stopped asking

about you since that hospital picnic.

Now, Eleanor, don't--

And, daddy, I was just wondering.

You know, maybe you invited her out to dinner

you two might really hit it off and...

Then you can you can slide in a good word.

Now wait, now wait baby, I want you to get this promotion, too

but using pop to get in good with Matty is just as bad

as what Cynthia and Jamie are doing.

Is your name "Daddy?"

Oh, come on, Eleanor, this isn't you.

Right, Roc, this isn't me.

I'm always the nice person who gets passed over.

Do you know what Cynthia calls me at the hospital?

Nurse Goody Two Shoes.

Well, Nurse Goody Two Shoes is tired of being passed over

and is gonna learn to be just as ruthless as everyone else.

Oh, relax, Eleanor, promotion or no promotion

I'd enjoy spending some time with Matty.

Oh, thank you, daddy.

And I'll see what I can do to talk you up.

But if 300 years of American history has any indication

that promotion is going to the little white tramp.

You ought to quit now, Roc, to save yourself some embarassm--

Oh, go ahead and shut up. You come on, come on...

- See that? - Yeah.

You're too old and you're too slow.

Alright, that's it. Say your prayers, punk.

Wait a minute. Hold-hold on,

I gotta get that. I gotta get that. Wait a minute.

- Right there. - Score.

Hey, no, no, no, come on. Th-th-that-that don't count man.

Uh... I don't recall anybody saying "time-out."

- Alright, come on in, Troy. - 'Hey, Troy!'

What's up, nigger?

I'm here for your foosball table.

Oh, no, no, no, we-we've been having such a blast.

I hate to give this thing up now, you know, Joey and I

used to play this for hours when we were kids.

Yeah, brings back a whole lot of memories, Joey.

Well, now, you're not gonna share it with me, are you?

Oh. Yeah, that's real cute, look, why don't you get away

and come back for the table later, okay?

Oh, I understand, you got your hands on a $100 table

and you just don't wanna give it up.

- A hundred bucks? - That's right.

Alright, score. I win, alright, take it out

- Wait, I wasn't even ready. - Come on.

Take it out, now you sure I can

get a 100 bucks for this thing?

- Fifty if we're lucky. - Why did you say a 100?

'Cause I didn't think you'd stop playing for $50.

Oh, man, I was really getting into that game, boy.

Yeah, I'm gonna miss playing that game.

Yeah, what would we ever do without foosball.

Our national pass time.

- Hey, pop. - Hey, pop.

Hey, daddy. Where's Matty?

Oh, she just dropped me off on her way to work.

And?

- How was the date? - Horrible.

That's the last time I'd go out with somebody based on

three minutes of conversation and a scoop of potato salad.

Oh-h-h-h-h, daddy. What happened?

Nothing, I had a bad date.

Haven't you ever had a bad date?

No, but I've heard of 'em.

So, uh, did you get a chance to talk Eleanor up?

- 'Yeah, did you?' - Yes, she liked her?

But she won't make a decision for six months.

- 'Oh!' - Now, anything else?

Well, daddy, I'm sorry that the date didn't work out

but I really do appreciate you trying, thank you.

Well, you don't have to thank me.

But if she calls, you tell her I was... drafted.

- Oh. - I'm going to bed.

Oh-ho, well, I guess I'm just gonna have to get that

promotion by being a good, good nurse.

Unless I can come up with a better way.

I'm off to the snake pit, baby, bye-bye.

- Go get 'em, sweetheart. - I will.

And you know, um... you know I'd promote you.

I know you would.

I'd promote you anytime you want.

I got some medicine for you too, baby.

- Come home and wait till-- - You're big fine handsome...

Well, I guess I better go too, the foosball table is gone

and I really don't enjoy your company that much.

Hey, well, Joey, before you go, I just wanna say

you know, I didn't mean to whip your butt, you know

but just my skill overcame me and I couldn't help myself.

You still can't get over it, can you, Roc?

- Even after all these years? - What're you talking about?

I'm talking about the fact that I, little Joey Emerson

am the Muhammad Ali of this family, I am the greatest.

Oh, man, give me a break, you're not the greatest.

I held that title in '70, '71 and '72.

- Only time you had it was-- - '73, the last time we played.

- So I still hold the crown. - Oh, man. You're crazy, man.

Oh, you may address me as the greatest Joe Frazier.

No, you ain't Joe Frazier, wait a minute, hold it. Alright.

That's it, I'mma settle this once-once and for all.

I'm gonna prove that I have more physical ability

more finesse and heart than you ever did.

Alright, as Mike Tyson would say, "We'll see about that."

- Come on. - Alright, what is this?

Event number one, the hand slap.

Alright, alright, alright. I'm waiting.

- You ready? - Yeah, I'm ready.

You sure you ready?

- How come you get to go first? - Because I'm the greatest.

How about that?

Yeah, I'm tired too, Dr. Wilson.

You were incredible last night.

Don't worry, it'll come out with club soda.

So have you talked to Matty about me yet?

No, no rush.

Okay, bye.

Think about me in surgery.

How long have you been standing there?

Long enough to know that you are a conniving back-stabbing slut.

Hey, girls! How's it going?

I don't know what you're getting on my case for?

She set up her father-in-law with Matty.

Well, I guess, I'm going after this promotion all wrong.

Who can I sleep with to get ahead?

That depends on how much anesthesia

you can get a hold of.

Oh, will you two take it easy!

The thing with my father-in-law didn't even work out.

Oh, did things go badly for Nurse Goody Two Shoes?

That's Head Nurse Goody Two Shoes to you.

- Hi, Eleanor. - Hi, Matty.

I wanna thank you for setting me up with your father-in-law.

He is the most charming man I've met in a long time.

Oh, Matty, I'm so happy for you.

Uh-huh, and when you get tired of him

I want you to meet my uncle.

You know, most men just wanna talk about themselves.

But Andrew is such a great listener.

I can't wait for our next date.

- Next date? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, oh, I'm glad you had a good time.

And, uh, just between you and me.

Girl, he is the best lover I've had since my husband died.

Ooh, honey.

Alright, alright, no, no, alright.

This is the undisputed pound for pound

greatest event number five.

- Uh-huh. Yeah? What's it? - The arm punch.

Yeah, yeah. We keep trading punches till somebody gives in.

Alright, alright, take your best shot.

Alright, get ready... get ready to get feel the mighty python.

Alright, come on with it. Come on.

That didn't hurt.

You just, uh, making that face because you're constipating?

I-I, no, I admit it-it burns a little bit you know what I mean.

But that's nothing compared to what I'm about to give you.

- Okay, I give. You win. - No, no, come on, man.

- You can't do that. Alright. - Hey, you win.

As the winner, I get to pick the next event, right?

- Alright, right. - Alright, wrestling.

Huh? Oh-oh, no, Roc. Man, I don't wanna hurt you.

Wha-what's the matter? You scared?

I, n-no, I ain't scared. The greatest knows no fear.

Well, come on with it, come on, move that...

Just move it, come on--

- I'll run you all up and down. - Come on.

- Wait, wait a minute. - Ah!

Alright, now who's the greatest?

- I'm the greatest. - Stop lying, wh-who?

- Eleanor. - Ah...

Okay.

- I'm still the greatest. - Yeah?

I'll get it.

- You guys need a hobby. - Yeah.

- Hey. - Staple it, slim.

I don't want the info taking up the space in my head.

'Cause that's where I do my thinking.

- Here. - Okay.

I sold that foosball table.

Alright. Look, you wanna come in?

Joey will be unconscious in a few moments.

No, thanks. I'm a lover, not a fighter.

- Hey, wait a minute. Wait. - Oh, yeah.

So. Ah! So, Roc.

I guess you think you got the upper hand, huh?

- Yeah, yeah, well. - Yeah I think you do too.

'Let me tell you something..'

Where's your father?

- He's in the kitchen. - Thank you, Joey.

'Hey, wait a minute.'

- Daddy. - Oh, Eleanor, you see this.

Miss Florida won the Miss America Pageant last night.

Did you know that they spread glue on their bottoms

to keep their bathing suits from riding up?

Daddy, that is very interesting

but we gotta talk about something else.

Now if you knew that you aren't going to be seeing Matty again

daddy, you shouldn't have slept with her.

So, she told you, did she?

Daddy, what you thought was a harmless fling

to Matty, was very special.

I'd rather not talk to you about this.

Well, you better talk to me about this because

I'm in the middle of this, damn it.

I can't believe I got myself into this.

I can't believe I got Matty into this.

Eleanor, please. Let's just drop it.

Daddy, you lied to me.

What's all that stuff you said about

the date being so horrible?

I didn't wanna tell you what really happened, alright.

What?

How I was sitting at the dinner table with Matty

and I was seeing Loretta.

The way Matty tilted her head, the way she laughed...

...it was like my wife was still alive.

Next thing I know, we wind up at Matty place making love.

But she wasn't Loretta.

And I may have just been using her.

So, how can I ever look her in the eye again?

Daddy, you can't leave her hanging like this?

What am I supposed to do? Tell her the truth?

She'll hate me.

Well, that may be so, but you're gonna have to deal with her.

Because while you were making love with Loretta

Matty was making love to you.

Tsk.

She's gonna be so disappointed.

Lord, why was I cursed with these rugged good looks?

♪ Whoa oh-whoa ♪

Oh, man!

Man, I'm too old for this, man.

I know.

Whoever said that sex was the best form of exercise

they didn't play basketball.

You know, this can't be good for our health.

When'd you figured that out?

During the rock fight.

Look, you know, we gotta find a tie-breaker, man

and end this damn greatest thing, you know.

Yeah, I know.

Why are we doing this to ourselves anyway?

Man, we've been like this since we were kids, you know.

We get into this competitive thing and we can't stop.

It's like a habit, you know.

How did it start?

Well, we would... We had to do something.

We were too young to smoke.

You know, it wasn't, it wasn't like I even cared about...

...you know, beating you back then.

I mean, I was six years older. It was easy.

Oh, come on, Roc. You're always trying to show me up.

No, I think I was always trying to show you how.

You just wouldn't listen.

Remember that time I first taught you to shoot hoops.

Yeah, I remember what you told me.

You said, "Line up the ball with you body.

"Guide the ball with you left hand.

Shoot the ball with your right hand ."

Yeah, but see, but see, you always wanted

to shoot it like this here, you know.

'Cause it looked all cool, you know.

So I had to beat you just to-just to show you a lesson.

Wait a minute, Roc, I still shoot like that

and I just whooped you, so what kinda lesson was that?

Well, I ain't worked that out yet.

See, it's not a matter of right or wrong, Roc. It's what works.

I've been trying to show you that all my life

in everything from-from basketball to monopoly.

Yeah, I know it. Wh-what? Wait a minute. Hold-hold on.

You ain't never beat me at monopoly.

Oh, I sure did. I beat you all the time.

No, I whooped you down, and I can still whoop you, Joey.

Well, Kitty's got a game right in the closet.

- We can go find out now. - Alright, fine.

- I'm the race car - No. I'm the race car.

- I'm the race car! - I'm the race car.

Coming.

Matty, I can't be what you want me to be. No, no.

Matty, I can't love someone else until I can love myself.

Oh, to heck with it. Matty get lost.

- Hello, Andrew. - Oh, Matty.

- Good to see you. - You too.

Uh.. Can I get you something to drink?

Well, Andrew, you know I don't drink.

Ah, you might need it for later.

You know, I'm really glad that you called, I was, uh...

...I was hoping you would.

Matty, I think we need to talk about

what happened the other night.

Oh, I know. Isn't it amazing how we just clicked?

How many things we have in common?

I'm a widow, you're a widower.

Oh, dead spouses.

What a depressing thing to base a relig-relationship on.

Oh, anyway, we're getting off the subject.

I'd like to talk about you.

I talked enough about me on our last date.

Tell me about you.

Alright.

I-I'm a loner.

Uh, not much of a talker. Moody. Withdrawn. Uh, bad temper.

Quit kidding, Andrew. You're not like that at all.

Oh, Matty, please. Look. I have something to say, uh...

I-I don't think we should see each other anymore.

I see. Um... May I ask why?

Doesn't matter why.

I mean if I told you, you'll just get upset and leave me

so let's just assume I did and you did

and I feel rejected.

Andrew, I deserve an answer.

Alright, uh.. In short...

I went out with you to help Eleanor get the promotion.

- Is that so? - Oh, wait.

It gets worse.

I only slept with you because you reminded me of my late wife.

Now, I know it was wrong and I'm sorry.

Would you like to cry now?

You have got some nerve.

Well, don't flatter yourself mister, because if you think

I'm gonna fall all to pieces because I cannot live without

the likes of you, think again, boyfriend.

Well, what are you yelling at me for?

I was just trying to be honest.

Well, next time, lie, you old goat.

Who're you calling old goat?

You, you old buzzard.

You got some mouth on you, woman.

At least when I dump somebody, I don't beat around the bush

like you do, I just do it.

Hey, weren't you listening?

I didn't wanna dump you, I just figured you wanted to dump me.

Are you saying you still wanna see me?

Yeah, you got a problem with that?

Oh, Matty...

Look, can we start over?

Let's forget the other night and say this is our first date.

Yeah, but what if I don't want to forget the other night?

That's even better.

So, would you like to go see a movie?

- Sure. - Good.

"For The Love Of Ivy" is on Channel Five.

Yeah, well...

Eleanor told me youEmerson men were cheap.

Huh.

Oh, this is the best part, this is where Abbey Lincoln

quits working for that white family

and goes off with Sidney Poitier.

Yeah, and she doesn't even give them two weeks' notice.

Now, that's my kind of movie.

"Roc" will be right back.

Yeah, well, I've certainly learned my lesson.

When you try to get ahead by treating people

like chess pieces, you're just asking for trouble.

Yeah, I know, Eleanor, you did a horrible thing

you're never gonna do it again, okay? So get off it, okay?

Oh... I know you're tired of hearing it, it's just that

I don't wanna make the same mistake twice.

You know if I'm Nurse Goody Goody Two Shoes

then that's who I'm.

Next time, you hear me putting winnings above people feelings...

...I want you to just... slap me.

Oh, baby, you know, I could never slap you.

I love you, sweetheart. Hey, wa-wait a minute.

How much money have you been taking for pass and go?

As much as I can get.

Alright, well, now that you've been giving yourself a raise...

...why won't you let me, give you that promotion?

Yeah? Oh, yeah?

Ooh, I kinda like it at the top.

♪ Keep on walking on ♪

♪ Oh Lord ♪

♪ Oh yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Yeah yeah ♪

♪ Oh Lord ♪

♪ Whoa-oo-whoa ♪

♪ Keep on walking on ♪

♪ Whoa yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪