Original subtitles

(WIND BLOWING)

(ELGIN BREATHING HEAVILY)

ELGIN: Inside.

All right.

Make it good. Let's do that again.

Okay, Coach, why don't you watch it now?

Watch out, Bailey.

Let's stop that ball. Stop it!

Yeah.

Let's do it again.

All right.

Smith, the mighty foot, moves downfield

with amazing agility, intense concentration.

Ah! You've been reading too much, Smith.

Oh! (GASPING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(WOMAN AND MAN MOANING AND GASPING)

(BOTH MOAN LOUDLY)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

DAVID: What? FELICIA: David?

DAVID: Huh? What? Uh...

Let me in. (DAVID COUGHING)

Who's in there?

DAVID: Uh, just a minute. Just a minute. Hold it.

Uh, yeah. Uh...

Oh, hi, hi!

(DOOR CLOSES) FELICIA: What are you doing?

DAVID: Uh, nothing, I just...

FELICIA: Don't tell me what I heard! I heard noises!

Well, I was sleeping. I may have been tossing and turning in my sleep.

Oh, come on! I mean, who are you trying to fool?

What do you mean? I was lying in bed. I was asleep.

I had an incredible dream.

(BOTH CONTINUE ARGUING)

Oh, hi, you're Elgin, right?

Look, uh, I just wanted to make sure I came in through the right window.

Um, do you have a sweater or something I could put on?

(EXHALES)

Would you like pants or shoes?

No, I... I won't be here very long.

I could've plummeted to my death.

I could've just got double pneumonia.

Yeah, it's hot, it's cold, it's freezing!

Well, make yourself at home.

You wouldn't believe what just happened.

Yes, I would.

Well, see, he has to get rid of her and then I can go back,

so it'll just be... David said you'd understand.

Right, listen, I would love to talk to you, but I have a test tomorrow.

Ooh! You know, some women are so jealous.

I'm not. Are you?

Well, I don't think I'd like it if my girlfriend was messing around, no.

That's sweet! That's old-fashioned.

I like that in a man.

Now, listen, uh, could we discuss this another time?

Because I have a test tomorrow and it's very important to me.

I'll find something to read.

Ooh, Five Stages of Greek Religion.

Unconscious Guide.

(GASPS) Dialogues of Plato.

The Divine Comedy.

(LAUGHS) Don't you have something more substantial?

I wasn't expecting company.

Well, don't let me interrupt you.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, what did you think when you saw me out there on the window?

Like, what did you say to yourself?

(SIGHS) You know, I'm not gonna be here very long.

(DAVID AND FELICIA MOANING)

Well, I guess I'll be a little bit longer than we thought.

(FELICIA MOANS LOUDLY)

(BELLS TOLLING)

Hey, Elg! I wanted to thank you...

Hey, Elg! Elgin!

Hey, I really appreciate what you did for me last night, man.

Yeah.

Shelley likes you.

Very good.

No, I mean, she really likes you.

Will you slow down for a minute? Nope.

How'd you like to go out with her?

Pass.

What's the matter, Elgin, you blind?

Did you see what jumped through your window last night, huh?

(BOTH GROAN)

God damn it, David, this is my workout.

Sorry.

You don't find her attractive?

Yeah, she's very attractive.

Well, then, why not?

'Cause she's not my type.

Not your type?

What the hell are you lookin' for?

What I'm not looking for is something casual. I've had that.

Oh, I see. Yeah.

You're looking to fall deeply and romantically and spiritually in love.

Like Romeo, Yeats, Keats!

How about Shelley?

Come on, the four of us, dinner Friday night.

You and Shelley, me and Felicia.

Uh, Felicia doesn't know about Shelley?

No, I love Felicia.

Come on. David, I don't think you know what love is.

Love is what feels good. Will you go out or not?

(CHUCKLES) I'll think about it, huh?

Okay, Romeo.

Just remember, Romeo wound up dead, Romeo.

SHELLEY: The guy looks at the man with pears in his ears, and he says,

"Hey, buddy, you've got pears in your ears."

And the guy says, "I know, I couldn't find any bananas."

Ha-ha!

Elgin, uh... FELICIA: I know exactly what I'm going to have.

Um, I'll have the clams casino to start with,

and then the veal of piccata,

and may I also have a small salad with no tomatoes.

Shelley?

I just have no idea.

What are you going to have, Elgin?

A hamburger.

Hamburger! That's a great choice for an Italian restaurant.

SHELLEY: I think it sounds delicious. I'll have one, too.

FELICIA: Mmm, maybe I'll have a hamburger.

DAVID: Oh, Jesus.

I'm gonna have the fettuccini to start

and then the, uh, sultan bulgalo romano.

FELICIA: Oh, wait, that sounds perfect. WAITER: Sure.

FELICIA: Uh, what's the specialty of the house?

WAITER: Chicken cacciatore is pretty good.

FELICIA: Chicken cacciatore. Now, that's what I actually want.

WAITER: One Chicken cacciatore, two hamburgers,

one fettuccini, and a sultan bulgalo.

DAVID: Right.

FELICIA: Oh, wait, I've changed my mind.

DAVID: No, no, no, no. She hasn't changed her mind.

SHELLEY: Do you know her?

Oh, I hate that when you think you recognize someone.

You'll probably wake up in the middle of the night and then think of it.

FELICIA: Maybe he won't be asleep in the middle of the night.

SHELLEY: (CHUCKLES) Do you have insomnia?

DAVID: Elgin, are you all right?

You're sitting there like a stoned asshole.

I hate that language!

(BELLS TOLLING)

Food wasn't bad.

It wasn't great.

It was, uh, expensive.

Well, I guess I'm goin' over to Felicia's for a while.

Yeah, like, approximately all night.

Good night, everyone.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Would you like to go out for a drink or something?

I don't have any dope.

I bet I can find your room.

Once I've been someplace once, I'm just like a homing pigeon.

My room?

Yeah.

Third floor?

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) The second one on the left.

Hey, you make your bed.

I beg your pardon?

I said you make your bed.

Most men around here don't, you know.

I don't make mine very often.

Hey, I like you better than David, you know? You wanna know why?

Why?

Well, 'cause David's so sure of himself.

He's always positive he's gonna get a girl to bed.

There's nothing shy about him at all. But you're kind of...

Well, I think shyness is a wonderful quality.

Strong, silent...

You know, still waters run deep and all that.

You wanna make love?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Just like that?

(LAUGHS)

Have you been reading a lot of Cosmopolitan or something?

You may not believe this, but I've never said that to a guy before.

But you're kind of different.

I feel sort of maternal.

Well, it's not in a bad way, it's in a sexy way.

You know, I think of you as kind of the good Lord of the Manor.

You know what I mean?

(CHUCKLES) Well, there are good Lords of the Manor

and there are bad tenant farmers.

David's like a bad tenant farmer.

He's sort of crude and rough and sexy,

but, uh, the good Lords of the Manor

are pure and quiet in strong ways...

Shelley, what are you doing?

They wouldn't just...

Uh, I'm taking my clothes off.

They wouldn't just, uh, make love to a girl because they, you know...

Well, I mean, they wouldn't make love to a girl unless they really felt something.

Um...

You know?

That feels nice.

Shelley...

Now why don't you get undressed?

I can't just do this.

Oh, yeah, you can.

No, no, no, no, no, I can't! All right?

You think I'm not good enough for you?

No.

You probably want Felicia.

No, I don't want Felicia.

(SIGHS)

It's because I threw myself at you.

No, you're a very beautiful girl, Shelley!

You think I threw myself at you.

Listen to me. You can't handle a real woman.

You want us all to be shy about it.

You know, I don't come on like this to just anybody.

Shelley, I believe you.

Listen, now, I don't want you to leave here angry.

You don't know what you want.

Yes, I do.

See you around!

MIKE: Hey, Elgin, busy day!

Good to see you, Michael.

MAN: Young man?

A refill on the coffee, please.

Yes, sir. Refill on the coffee.

Havin' fun? (CHUCKLES)

Oh, am I having fun.

What are you doin' here?

I'm trying to have a cup of tea.

What are you doing here?

I work here.

I see.

Uh, what are you drinking? Can I, uh...

Oh. (CHUCKLES) Well, can I get you some hot water?

That'd be terrific. All right.

Here we...are!

No rest for the weary.

Yeah? Are you okay?

It's very hot.

Thank you. You're welcome.

You're staring at me.

No, I'm staring at your book.

Why?

'Cause it looks familiar. Madame Bovary.

Flaubert. Right.

Are you studying him? I mean, are you in a course that, uh...

No! No, no, it's just something I always wanted to read.

ELGIN: That's such a coincidence, you have no idea.

Flaubert writes with such great precision, doesn't he?

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

He's one of the great masters.

Oh, I'm sorry!

I don't believe I just did that.

(CHUCKLES) It's okay. Do you have some napkins or something?

Oh, yeah. I ruined your book. I'm really sorry.

Oh, don't worry. It'll dry.

It's really not the best edition anyway,

if you don't mind my saying so.

The translation is much too colloquial.

It's not nearly as elegant as Flaubert's real style.

I have a wonderful edition if you'd let me lend it to you, please.

Young man...

Wait.

(STAMMERS) Wait!

Don't go away. I'll be right back in one second, okay?

Yes, sir? Giving a class?

I'm sorry, sir, what was it you had?

Coffee! Coffee.

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

That's for the coffee, keep the change.

There is no change. There was no coffee.

Hi. Hi.

Is Caroline Hedges here?

Yes, I think she's upstairs. You want me to get her?

Yeah, please. Would you tell her that Elgin Smith is here?

Oh, no, tell her it's the Flaubert person.

Monsieur Flaubert.

I hate French.

How you doin'?

Okay. I wasn't expecting you this evening.

Oh, well, I had some time and I thought that your copy might still be wet, so...

That sounded ridiculous, didn't it?

It looks brand new. You shouldn't have done that.

No, I wanted to.

(READING IN FRENCH)

Elgin Smith.

Elgin.

Thank you very much, Elgin.

I appreciate it.

What does it mean?

Don't you read French?

Should I?

Well, you were reading Flaubert.

Yeah, but in English!

And to think I spent all that time on the verbs.

They look very nice. (CHUCKLES)

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine, really.

Well, would you like to come out and have a cup of coffee with me?

No, but thank you.

Okay.

I hope you enjoy the book.

Bye. Goodbye.

Hi, want some coffee?

Well, I'm here at school on a partial scholarship,

and, uh, I keep having these dumb jobs.

And my parents own a hardware store in Wilton.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Do you wear a little apron and sell nails?

Yes. And I made a mess of everything.

But I was very cute.

The one time I wanna find out about a person, and I do all the talking.

You wanna find out about me?

Mmm-hmm.

(CHUCKLING)

What does your father do?

He died. Oh.

It was a long time ago.

I saw you last night at Gino's!

Oh.

Who were you with?

A friend.

A friend, friend? Or a friend?

You're a very direct person.

Well, you didn't answer my question.

I know.

Well, I really have to go. I have a test tomorrow.

Religious Philosophies.

Oxtan's class?

Yes.

I'm in that class.

You are? I've never seen you there.

Well, I haven't been able to make it, 'cause of this job situation.

It's nice to know you will be back.

OXTAN: Aw, cut the crap, Smith. Who's the girl?

Dr. Oxtan, I need Religious Philosophies.

We are already three weeks into the course.

Yeah, well, my freshman thesis though, I...

Spinoza, I know.

(CHUCKLES) It's a campus phenomenon.

Every year around this time,

when students have sized up the quarry in the courses they didn't take,

somebody arrives proclaiming that

he cannot live without Advanced Calculus Three,

or the Scottish Tractarian, or Religious Philosophies.

Well, Dr. Oxtan, I can assure you...

That in your case, it's Spinoza and not sex.

Unfortunately, I can spot you all a mile off.

But I don't feel I should deprive you of the opportunity

to at least try on the outside chance

you might soak up some knowledge inadvertently.

All right, you're in.

Thank you, sir. You won't regret it.

Smith, I hope she's worth it.

(BELL TOLLING)

OXTAN: We have in the poet, Dante Alighieri,

probably the greatest interpreter of the doctrine of the late Middle Ages.

As we have seen, it was an age of great architecture,

of great theology.

And of the greatest and most profound faith.

It produced Saint Francis, Saint Dominic, Saint Bernard.

(WHISPERING)

The Divine Comedy,

or The Comoedia, as we shall refer to it,

traces the progression of a soul from a state of sin to a state of ecstasy.

This is accomplished through great self-denial,

through penitence, and through contemplation.

Now, who leads Dante on his journey?

First, Virgil leads, then Beatrice the Divine, Beatriche.

She represents love. But not love as we might think of it. Mr. Smith.

In as much as you requested permission to enroll in this class

only three days ago, I would hope for your fullest attention.

I'm sorry, sir.

Inattention is due to the fact that you already are familiar with the work.

No, sir.

Why don't you tell us about Dante's conception of love?

Well, uh, I think... (CLEARS THROAT)

I mean, as I understand it, Dante's conception of love is always, well...

Um, then sort of my own conception of it.

Indeed.

Um, I don't think that I could hope to state it any better

than Professor Charles Hall Granchard, who said, quote,

"According to Dante's doctrine,

"uh, love is an attribute of the gentle heart alone,

"there it slumbers until aroused by a worthy subject.

"The woman who awakens this gentle love

"must be a symbol of angelic nature or heavenly intelligence

"and devotion to her is worship."

Unquote.

Excellent.

Hmm.

Uh, the fourth counter for Thursday,

please prepare a three-page paper on some element of the symbolism.

Don't make it too brilliant. I'm not up to it this week. Dismissed.

You were wonderful.

Oh, yeah. Thank you.

Dante's kind of a favorite of mine, you know?

I lucked out.

Is that really your idea of love?

Yeah, I think so.

Say, I'm real sorry that I lied to you

about the whole classroom situation, you know, and, uh...

I'm very flattered.

Oh. Mmm-hmm.

Well, in that case, are you sure

you won't change your mind and have dinner with me?

Oh, I can't.

But I have tickets for the Philharmonic for tonight, if you wanna join me.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes?

That's fantastic! Okay.

Great!

Oh, what time?

Uh, 7:00-ish.

Hey, Elg.

Don't you ever knock?

Nope.

Which one of these do you like?

I like the blue one, but then again, the blue one is nice.

How about the blue one? Blue one.

Do me a favor and tie this, would you?

You don't know how to tie a tie?

Come on, I'm real nervous.

What are you nervous about?

I'm late.

You got a hot date?

(CHUCKLES)

You look like you're getting married.

I'm going to the Symphony.

To the Symphony?

Yeah, where do you think is a nice place to go eat afterwards?

My room.

Come on, it's a real question, David.

Give me a real answer, huh?

Uh, Mulligan's. Take her to Mulligan's. It's quiet. It's cozy.

It doesn't cost a whole lot. It's very romantic.

You should say, "Hey, let's go to Mulligan's for a bite to eat."

Thank you. You're welcome.

The Symphony, huh?

(SINGSONG) Symphony!

Bye, David. (SINGSONG) To the Symphony!

To the Symphony!

To the Symphony!

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHING)

(SNORING) (CHUCKLING)

Oh, stop it!

(CONTINUES CHUCKLING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Caroline!

John, look who's here.

How are you, Caroline?

I'm fine.

Ann, this is Elgin Smith, Ann March.

How do you do?

Caroline, dear.

John.

How do you do? I'm John March.

Hi, I'm Elgin Smith.

I thought that Mozart went well.

ANN: You two must let us take you out for a drink.

Please?

Uh, thank you very much, but we already have plans.

Well, another time, then.

Yes, of course.

It's nice to see you Caroline.

Elgin.

I didn't think you wanted to go.

Would you take me home, please?

Don't you want to go over to Mulligan's for a bite to eat?

No.

I was hoping he was a relative.

(SCOFFS)

(SNIFFLES) Well, he's not.

I really don't care what he is.

I really don't feel like going home tonight.

Would you mind if I spent the night with you?

I don't mean it the way it sounds.

(CHUCKLES)

(SNIFFLES) I just don't wanna be alone.

All right.

Thank you.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

Is that my hair?

I certainly hope so.

(CHUCKLES)

Hmm.

(SIGHING)

Good morning.

(INHALES SHARPLY) Ah! Aah! Oh!

Don't move. (GASPS)

Was I on your arm all night?

Aah. What arm?

Oh, how did you sleep?

Aah... (SHUSHING)

Thousands of pins.

Does this hurt? (YELLS)

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Just relax.

Does it still hurt?

You are so beautiful.

(CHUCKLES)

I can't get these pants off.

Maybe you'd better just stand up.

Don't go away. (CHUCKLES)

I'm shaking.

Think I'm nervous?

Who cares?

(GRUNTS)

(GIGGLING)

I love you.

You don't even know me.

I do.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh!

Oh, yes!

Oh, yes!

Oh!

Oh!

Yes!

Yes!

Elgin! Yes!

Oh, yes, Elgin!

(MOANS)

You're so beautiful!

(GIGGLING)

You're crazy!

Do you think you could ever love me?

Mmm, I want to. Very much, I want to.

And you will.

'Cause I'm gonna make you.

Mmm!

Oh!

(SIGHS) Oh...

Not fair.

(BOTH MOANING)

Caroline?

Hmm, what?

I just wanted to say your name.

You know, I want to tell you something.

That was the first time...

First time?

The first time?

(CHUCKLING)

What do you mean?

(BOTH CHUCKLING) No.

What do you mean?

That was the first time that it's ever felt right.

You know, like it should feel when you when you make love to somebody.

Elgin...

You're a very special person.

(MOANING)

One time, I went for a walk in the zoo and it was snowing.

I saw the Bactrian camel.

He was holding his head straight up in the air

with his mouth open and his tongue out.

Snowflakes were falling on his tongue.

I don't know if he'd ever seen snow before.

I don't even know where Bactria is or if it snows there.

Maybe he was remembering the snow.

Or maybe it was a new feeling

and an old one for him at the same time.

That's how I feel right now.

(DOOR OPENS)

Hey, El... Whoa!

Hey, Elgin, I think your fly's unzipped!

(CHUCKLING)

Bonner, would you get out of here?

So, this is what you've been hiding from me!

Hi, I'm David Bonner, Elgin's lonely next door neighbor. And you are?

Get out of here!

Okay, okay.

Get out of here!

But, uh...

When you get fired for being late, don't say I didn't try.

God!

Oh, boy! Elgin!

(LAUGHING)

Now I will take you in my arms. Kill it, Bonner!

I will love you forever. (SQUEALS)

I always will light your fire!

Yeah, I'll leave, I'll leave, but tell me your name.

I get a merit badge for this, so I'm takin' my badge and whatever...

Get out of here!

Don't mind him, he's insane.

(GIGGLING)

Listen, I gotta go to work.

You come over as soon as you can

and I'll serve you some breakfast on the house, all right?

I'll have to go home and change first.

All right. (PANTING)

Mmm!

I love you.

Bye!

Bye!

(DOOR CLOSES) (LAUGHING)

Hello, again.

Hello, again.

Hello, again and again.

You gonna walk across campus dressed like that?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah? Oh, thank you.

I could give you a ride.

No, no, I don't mind walking.

Who are you? I mean, what's your name?

Caroline. Caroline Hedges.

You any relationship to Sam Shrub?

(BELLS TOLLING)

Why don't you let me drive you back to your house?

All right, but don't think it is any form of encouragement.

Your car, my lady.

Thanks!

Hey, Elgin!

You son of a bitch!

Wait a minute! Elgin, I was tryin' to do you a favor.

Oh, some favor!

Elgin, no!

Stop it! Both of you, stop it, right now! Stop it!

Oh, shit!

(YELLS) (GRUNTS)

Elgin, are you all right?

No, I don't think so.

What about me?

You'll live!

Don't cross her! She's mean!

ELGIN: Did he try and make a date with you?

CAROLINE: (LAUGHING) No!

What?

What makes you think I'd go out with him anyway?

You wouldn't? No!

Is my nose bleeding? No.

Come on, Elgin, get on, or you're gonna be fired for sure.

ELGIN: Oh, shit, help me get up!

(REVVING ENGINE)

Hi, Marge.

Smith.

You're fired!

(CROWD CHEERING) (WHISTLE BLOWING)

That's it!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

They put him in at the end last time. Made a great save.

It bounced right off his head.

(PLAYERS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

MAN 1: Are you all right?

PLAYER 1: Who hit him?

MAN 1: Who got him? PLAYER 2: Who got that?

MAN 2: Is he okay?

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

MAN 2: All right, let's go.

Oh, Elgin! Hey!

CAROLINE: Yay, Elgin!

(WHISTLES)

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

(PLAYERS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(CHEERING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(PLAYERS WHOOPING)

(SCREAMING)

Isn't it wonderful?

It's a fuckin' miracle!

CAROLINE: I'm glad you lost your job.

ELGIN: This is my job from now on.

CAROLINE: Mmm.

How could you be so good at it?

ELGIN: What's that supposed to mean?

It's a compliment.

Let me ask you something.

Mmm, what?

See, I don't know for you, but for me...

I just said that it was wonderful! That you were wonderful!

Yeah, and I don't see how it could be any better than it is with us,

and I was wondering...

If I felt the same way?

Yeah, that's part of it.

The answer's, "Yes, I do."

Where are you going?

Do I satisfy you?

Yes, in a lot of ways.

Like... Wait a minute. No...

Where are you going?

Do you come?

Do you have orgasms?

(CAROLINE CHUCKLING)

You don't mean orgasms, do you?

What do you think I've been doing?

When?

When?

Elgin, I was coming all over the place.

When, exactly?

How could you miss it?

Be more specific.

(SIGHS)

Where were you? I could hardly breathe,

and my body was having convulsions.

Oh, that was it, huh?

Yeah, that was it.

I'm sorry.

Next time I'll send up flares.

(LAUGHS) No, it was beautiful.

Mmm, thank you very much.

Do you come with everybody? I mean, all the guys you sleep with?

Only with you.

Ha!

Don't ask such stupid leading questions.

Well, it's just that all I ever hear about

or read about in the world is female orgasms and I've never seen one.

I just wanted to know for sure.

Well, now you've seen many. You can be sure.

It's just that with a guy, you know, there's an obvious, uh,

progression of events, you know.

First, uh...

You're hard.

Yeah, and then, uh, you know...

White sticky stuff. Yeah.

And then, you know...

Then you're soft and no good to me anymore.

Why couldn't I say that?

That guy, John March, did you sleep with him?

Yes.

I guess it's 'cause I've actually seen the guy that makes him more real.

What does he do?

He's a lawyer.

Huh. Figures.

How'd you meet him?

He's in my father's firm.

He and his wife, the lady we met at the concert,

are very good friends with my mother.

I've known her since I was little.

Her daughter, Dottie, was very nice to me,

and I don't wanna talk about it anymore.

Was he nice to your mother, too?

Elgin, can we just shut up and make love?

(CHUCKLING)

How old is this guy?

Forty-six.

Forty-six?

You and I together aren't 46. I believe I made a request.

Did you come with him?

Did you?

I don't remember.

He's real experienced, isn't he? He's very experienced.

Elgin, do you have any idea how much this is turning me off?

WOMAN: Important, red light means you have to get on the line.

White light, just plug in an outside line,

and if you have any trouble, phone me.

If you know how.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Caroline Hedges, please.

No, I tried her private line. When do you expect her?

The whole weekend?

Did she say where? Did she leave a number?

Is there a message for Elgin Smith?

Are you sure?

Oh, no.

No, thank you very much.

Huh!

CAROLINE: Miss Caroline Hedges announces

she's going A.W.O.L. from Religious Philosophies,

and anything to do with a college education, for the weekend.

She very much requests the pleasure

of Mr. Elgin Smith's company at her family's house.

Empty, I might point out, for a celebration of us.

Dress is formal, which in the case of Mr. Smith,

means soccer shoes are permissible, but no sweat suits.

Love...Caroline.

I've never seen anything like this.

We don't use it much anymore.

I love this room.

When you know this room, then you'll know me.

Is this your yearbook?

Yes.

Put it down.

Do you have a picture in here?

Put it down! You can't look at it.

I found you.

Uh, what a homely child!

(BLOWS) That's cute!

What's this? Have you been practicing behind my back?

Yes, that should pass.

Have you met Helen? Helen, this is Elgin.

(TOY SQUEAKS) Hi, Helen.

Helen wants a kiss.

Yeah.

(KISSES)

(BOTH SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(LAUGHING)

Dry cleaner. What?

I need these clothes. (LAUGHS)

I need these clothes. Get them off! Take 'em off!

Quickly, quickly! Before the truck leaves. Take your pants off!

Quick! Quick!

What do you say we run away and get married? Elope?

(CHUCKLING)

Don't be silly.

I'm not being silly. I love you.

We can live right here.

On what?

We can eat the curtains.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Come on, your mother wouldn't mind. She'd like me.

Wouldn't she? So would your father if he were alive.

Daddy only liked me.

How long ago did he die?

Seven years.

(IMITATES GUNSHOT)

I wanna show you something.

There used to be a path here.

Come on.

(LAUGHS) Oh, that's just incredible!

God!

Are there miniature people in here?

(LAUGHS) It was my playhouse.

Your family really knew how to live.

Yeah. My father built it, piece by piece.

Took him four years.

My father told me that I was a little princess.

And as long as I stayed here,

he'd keep the dragons away.

The detail is just incredible.

There used to be little furniture.

And the balcony? He let me put that in.

The rest of it, the rest of it he did himself.

He actually made his own world.

Yeah. Just didn't wanna live in it.

(UNZIPPING)

(CHUCKLES)

Elgin, it's too clammy in here.

We just did this!

And we're gonna keep doing it till we get it right.

Not here!

Come on, take advantage of my youth.

No, Elgin, please, I don't feel like playing around!

Elgin, stop it!

(SOBBING) I don't know why I did that.

I don't know why.

This is where your father killed himself?

I thought...

I thought I was all cried out on that stuff.

It's okay. (CONTINUES SOBBING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Aren't you gonna answer it?

Do you want me to?

It's your house.

(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

What are you thinkin' about?

About us. Hmm.

That's nice.

Elgin, I can't see you anymore.

What? No, keep driving.

(HORN HONKING) (TIRES SCREECH)

ELGIN: What the hell are you talking about?

That was John on the phone.

I'm still in love with him and there's no way of getting around it.

He wants me back, and I've gotta give it another try.

You love me!

I've been with him for three years.

There wasn't anybody before John.

I just can't walk away from him now,

no matter how I feel about you.

I need to see him!

I can't change my feelings. I love him.

I wish I didn't, but I do.

And not me!

Elgin!

I love you so much!

I couldn't love you like this unless you loved me, too.

Can't we drive back together?

Look, if you go see this guy,

sleep with him.

No, don't sleep with him!

(ENGINE STARTS)

Hey, Elgin, hi.

Hi, Shelley.

How are you?

(SIGHS)

Things that bad, huh?

Hey, uh, can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure.

Third floor, second on the left.

Well, here we are, home of my greatest triumph.

Sit down. Have a seat.

Sound like a receptionist.

Have a seat. The doctor will be right with you.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, Doc, it's an emergency. I have a broken light.

Maybe we should X-ray it.

Hey, Elgin, you know, I know I made a fool out of myself the last time I was here.

I'm sorry, I think I made it worse than it had to be.

Don't worry about it.

Yeah, well, I'm just sorry.

It's ancient history.

You really are a sweet person.

Shelley, if one more person tells me I'm sweet, I'm gonna throw up.

Okay, you're a mean, rotten, cruel son of a bitch!

(CHUCKLING)

Thank you.

And while we're on the subject,

do you know where David is?

(GROANS)

No.

Does he ever talk to you about me?

He says you have a pretty free relationship, whatever that means.

I mean, does he ever say he likes me?

I'm sure he likes you, Shelley.

Think he loves me?

(CHUCKLES) I don't know.

Do you love him, Shelley?

I don't know.

We've just always had this casual relationship,

and, uh, I've got a lot of interests, you know?

I didn't really think, uh, I could fall in love, but...

Well, we have a lot of fun together.

You know, he's the only one I really have a lot of fun with, I...

How do you know you don't love him then?

'Cause I don't. Uh, maybe I do.

I don't know.

See, I don't know how I feel about people.

Well, what do you think? Do you think everything's just a mess?

I mean, do you think that everybody's

looking for something that they can't find?

(CHUCKLES)

Hey.

Hey.

(SOBBING) Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Come on.

I love him. You know, I love him?

I know. I know. I really do.

You half-breed! Oh, excuse me, folks.

Hey, wait a minute! David!

David, wait a second! Uh, listen, I was waiting.

You know, I thought we were gonna go out or something.

DAVID: I got something to do. I'm late for it. I gotta go.

SHELLEY: Well, what are you doin' now? Maybe...

DAVID: Nothin', I just... I'll talk to you about it.

Bye.

We're gonna go out tomorrow night.

Do you wanna make love?

I always end up saying no to you, don't I?

(SIGHS)

Shelley, you don't have to take it, you know.

(LAUGHING)

Yes, you do.

Just wait'll it happens to you.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(CAROLINE LAUGHING)

Good morning.

I'd like to talk to you.

Elgin, I told you my situation.

I'd hoped you'd understand.

What the hell are you doing, Caroline?

I mean, what are you doing with your life?

What are you doing with my life?

I don't wanna do anything with your life, and I just wanna live mine.

You're acting like I'm a stranger. I'm not a stranger!

I just don't wanna have a scene with you!

You already have a scene with me.

It's over, Elgin! It's over!

I've been very honest with you!

You just can't do this to people!

I love you! I'm good for you! I know I am!

I think you're very sweet. I'm not sweet!

Jesus Christ, Caroline, you can't do this to us! You just can't!

Please, I'm drained!

I'm sorry. I'm really very sorry. I can't stand hurting you.

I think you're a lovely person.

You're a cunt!

Is there something I can help you with, David?

Yeah, where's your other cufflink?

I seem to recall you losing it last time.

Well, it's very inconsiderate of you not to buy another pair, Elg.

Yeah, well, I'll have to remember that next time.

You okay? I was kidding.

I mean, if I looked as bad as you feel, we'd both be in big trouble.

Do you have any dope?

No, you should've felt bad yesterday.

The whole lot of it, it's gone. I've got some sleeping pills.

I don't wanna go to sleep, David, I just wanna go numb!

(SCOFFS) Why don't you go out and have a good time and live it up a little bit?

Take somebody out! Take Shelley out. She's a good time.

I'm not interested in Shelley.

Do you know she's in love with you?

Yeah, I know.

I mean, but who could take that seriously?

Now, all we do is have a good time.

(LAUGHS)

David, you are crazed!

Look, Elg, you can't take the woman thing too seriously.

You gotta remember that!

More from David Bonner, and the great ideas of Western Man series.

Look, why don't we just go out and get,

you know, drunk and bar fight or something, okay?

That sounds like a big effort.

Well, it's better than sittin' around here and mopin'.

Why sit here and mope when you can sit in a bar and mope?

(DOOR SLAMS)

It's not such a big deal going to college.

Look how many people do it.

I'm Bonnie.

So am I.

Are you drunk?

I'm trying awfully hard, Bonnie.

I hate unfunny drunks.

Oh, oh!

Hi!

Hi.

John, you remember Elgin Smith?

Yes, I remember. Hello. How are you, Elgin?

Hi, I'm John March.

(SIGHS)

Psst!

Hi!

The wrong one's here.

Hi.

You're sitting in a draft.

I am a draft.

What time was he supposed to be here?

9:30.

Well, it's past 11:00. Come on.

I'll make you a cup of hemlock.

(SIGHS) Boy, aah! I hope I'm not in this body tomorrow.

(CHUCKLES)

What's your problem?

(SIGHS) Whee!

Shelley! Yes!

Let me ask you something.

Yes.

How does anybody manage to get anything done when they're in love?

(LAUGHS) Are you in love?

Yes.

Well, it helps if you're loved back.

Mmm-hmm.

Not that I'd know.

Tonight, I'll know...

(LAUGHING)

You know, he should've been here tonight.

Why? Oh, Shelley, is it your birthday?

No, it's his birthday.

Oh!

BOTH: Ohh!

(LAUGHS)

If I ask you a third time, you have to.

You don't have to ask.

(LAUGHING)

Okay! Have you ever tried any positions from the Kama-sutra?

I doubt it.

I'll tell you about Krishna and Radha.

Oh, okay.

Uh, wait!

(LAUGHS)

Krishna was the god of all the heavens.

And, uh, Radha was this young Indian maiden

that he wanted to make love to,

but because he was a God and she was just a maiden, he couldn't do it.

So, uh, he invented a position called the D-F-I-ing position.

The D-F-I-ing position. The D-F-I-ing position.

And you hold my leg up like that and I move over like this.

You've gotta be kidding!

No, it's great! You'll love it, I think.

Wait, hold on! Oh, ooh, now see, put that...

Wait... Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh! Oh, that feels good.

(BOTH MOANING)

(CHUCKLES) Shelley, you won't believe this, but there is an easier way.

(SHELLEY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Oh, thank you, Elgin.

Oh, Elgin.

Oh, Caroline.

What's the matter?

I'm Shelley.

I'm Shelley.

I know that.

(SIGHING)

(SOBBING) Shelley.

Shelley, I don't believe I did that.

I'm really sorry.

You know, it's still night.

I'd do whatever you wanna do,

but, uh, you have to know that it's me. That's all I want.

I know. I know. I know. You just have to know it's me.

No, you don't.

Nobody does.

Shelley, I'm really sorry.

Oh, come on, we're always apologizing to each other.

(SIGHS)

I have to go.

Shelley, let me walk you home, all right?

No, it's okay. I really, uh... I wanna be alone, you know?

Yeah?

This kinda thing can't keep happening to me, uh,

and not have something to do with me.

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

Good morning.

Today I'd like to talk about empiricism

and the profoundly disappointing specter of the Pepsi generation.

Empiricism, look it up. I had to.

(CLEARS THROAT) I'm here to see John March.

(DOOR OPENS)

Mr. March.

Hello.

Won't you sit down?

(SIGHS) Well?

Would you like some coffee?

No.

Do you mind if I have some?

RECEPTIONIST: Yes?

May I have some coffee, please?

Certainly, would Mr. Smith like some?

Just one, thank you.

You were saying?

Let me come right to the point, sir.

I've been seeing a great deal of Caroline Hedges recently

and I'm very much in love with her.

The other day, we were at her family's home in the country

when she received a telephone call from you.

After that call, she told me that she didn't wanna see me anymore,

that she was in love with you

and that you were planning on getting a divorce

in order to marry her or be with her.

She didn't actually say "marry."

My object in coming here today... (DOOR OPENS)

Thank you.

You're welcome.

(DOOR CLOSES)

My object in coming here today

is to find out if you intend to go through with your promise to her?

I love Caroline very much.

And she's very fragile. And, uh, I don't wanna see her get hurt.

Caroline is a very lucky girl to have so devoted a friend as yourself,

but let me say first that my wife and I are still married,

although we've been separated on and off for the past five years.

By the way, I trust that everything

we say in this office will remain between us.

Absolutely.

What you are asking me, in effect, are my intentions honorable?

My answer to you is that I'm very involved with Caroline,

but my wife and I have been married for 14 years.

We have two children.

And whether or not we get a divorce is a question I cannot answer.

Caroline is free to do as she pleases.

Oh...

Morning.

I know this is a big breakfast,

but I want you to eat every bite of it because...

Because you deserve it.

French fries are kinda cold.

You're not eating. I'm not hungry.

You wanna go to the bookstore today?

Gee, that sounds swell.

Or maybe go over to Mulligan's for a bite to eat and take in a movie.

Fine.

What do you wanna see?

How about a new movie called, What the Fuck Do You Think You're Doing Here?

It's about a girl who says she doesn't wanna see me anymore

and then fucks me in the middle of the night

and acts like goody-two-shoes in the morning.

Doesn't sound bad.

He's not getting divorced, is he?

No.

I went to see him, you know that?

Of course I know.

Oh, he told you?

It accomplished what you wanted.

I went to see him because I love you.

That's some cheap lawyer trick.

(SIGHS)

What difference does it make? It worked.

What'd he say about me?

That you're very bright

and that you care about me.

What else?

Oh, please, don't!

And I'm good old second choice!

Look, I'm back!

That's all I know how to do. If you don't want me here, just say so!

Of course I want you back, God damn it!

But just no more games!

Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

(SOBS)

Hey, Elgin. Hey, David, how you doin'?

You wanna hear some good news?

Shelley and I are engaged.

What?

(CHUCKLES) We're engaged.

(CHUCKLES)

I don't believe that.

Well, I'd show you the ring, but it's her turn to wear it.

How did all this happen?

Well, I don't know.

We started to have a real good time together, you know.

Hey, congratulate me, man. I'm getting married.

Felicia called twice.

Oh, so I'll call her back once.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Hey...

Hey, Dave!

Kid! Congratulations, Dave.

Thanks.

All right.

Good luck.

I'll need it.

(BOTH LAUGH)

ELGIN: Are you happy with me?

Yes.

Are you with me?

Can't you tell?

Can't you tell?

I don't know.

I thought I was happy before and look at what happened.

How do I know you won't do it again?

How do I know you won't?

A-ha! A-ha!

You know I won't, but I'll never be assured of you, will I?

(SIGHS)

ELGIN: I'm not going on vacation with you, Caroline.

CAROLINE: Why not?

Because it's not going to work.

This isn't my first love anymore,

and if I'm going to have a second, it has to mean more.

Aren't you glad we're together?

Yeah.

But it's just not the same.

You see, I'm on edge now. I'm always on edge.

Can't we just take each day at a time?

No.

I loved you, Caroline. I really did.

I wanted to marry you, but no more.

It's over, Caroline.

It's over.

(TRAIN HORN BLARES)

Take good care of yourself.

Oh, gee, I think I'm gonna cry.

Goodbye, Elgin.

Goodbye, Caroline.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Be sure and get your money's worth.

Oh, yeah. I guess I am.

Do you happen to know where Bactria is?

Uh, Asia, I think!

Asia? Uh-huh.

Does it snow there?

Maybe.

Sure snows here.

Yeah.

They seem to adapt.

Yeah, I guess they do.

(MUSIC PLAYING)