Original subtitles

By virtue of the power vested in me by the state of Virginia, I now pronounce

you man and wife.

Why, aren't you going to kiss her?

He'd better.

Oh.

You know, what just happened here isn't a marriage.

What? Not a marriage?

Well, not a real one.

A real marriage doesn't happen in five minutes. It happens over a period of a

lifetime.

I performed the ceremony, but it's up to you to make it mean something.

I suppose you'll catch the first train back to New York.

Not on your life. First thing tomorrow, we're heading for a honeymoon in

Indiana.

There's an old family tradition.

All the male members of the Dunn clan bring their brides back to the old

homestead. All the relatives get together and make it an occasion.

Helps hold the family together.

A beautiful tradition.

Now, I want you two youngsters to go out and be happy.

It isn't hard.

All you've got to do is to give and forgive.

And just go on loving each other till death do you part.

Thank you, sir.

We'll remember that.

And now, children, it's 8 a

.m., and time for the Kitty Crackles Company to present the Sunshine Lady,

comes to you morning and evening with your favorite story.

Good morning, all my dear little children. I trust you're all having your

crackles for breakfast this morning.

Mmm, aren't they good?

And weren't Mummy and Daddy proud of you when you ate every last teensy, weensy

little bit?

Now, remember in our Betty Bytime story last night, the Woofle Bear and Dottie

Deer were planning to elope when suddenly they heard a most terrible

It was me.

The naughty old dragon.

What was that, cried the wolfle bear? What was that?

That was drool, that's what it was.

Sheer, unadulterated drool.

Am I mistaken, or were you actually listening to that?

Sure I was listening to it.

Hank Dunn, don't tell me I married the kind of man who gets up at eight in the

morning to listen to a lot of yammering about dotty deers and wolfle bears.

Who is this saccharine moron?

She isn't a moron. Her name's Eve Starr, and she's a good friend of mine.

I listen to her at night, too.

Oh?

She must be a very good friend.

She's as crazy about me as you are.

Just what is there between you and this female Uncle Don? A wonderful contract.

I don't get it. Didn't I tell you I was the junior partner in the advertising

firm of Tracy and Dunn? That you did.

Well, we handled a kitty -crackle account.

That account and Eve Starr, the sunshine lady, are going to pay for the clothes

on your beautiful back.

It's almost enough to make me give up clothes.

But I'm not going to get up every morning at 8 and eat kitty crackles with

You won't have to.

Now, hurry. Get dressed. Get packed. We've got to catch a train. We're going

a honeymoon.

Yes, I'll hurry.

Oh, Hank, I hope your folks like me, because I know I'm going to like them.

I'm going to be just crazy about them.

You think I ought to read up on Indiana before we get there?

Let's see. Indiana.

Uh, Wabash, James Whitcomb Riley, Tarkington, Kokomo.

And me.

And you.

But don't you think you'd better get dressed? Or do you usually travel in

hat and a nightgown? Well, of course I... Oh, you can be calm.

You know your folks, I don't.

I didn't know them very well myself until I was five years old. But they'll

you. You'll love them.

Incidentally, I love you, too.

You're so wonderfully repetitive.

Did you hear anything?

Just a lovely ringing in my head.

I'm in conference.

Some people can't take no for an answer.

Well, what is it?

New York calling.

Hello? Who?

What's the matter with your ears? I'm a busy man and this call's costing money.

Put Tig Callahan on the phone.

Wait a minute.

What are you doing in her room at 8 o 'clock in the morning? I'm kissing her.

Kissing her? You can't do that. I won't let you get away with it.

Say, who are you anyway?

Hank. Hank Dunn.

Just repeat your name once more. I'll promise to look you up and dust you off

the minute I get back to New York.

Yes, I've got it. McClellan.

Oh, my boss.

Of all the times.

Hello, Chris.

This is Tig.

Oh, he's just a nice young man.

Just a casual acquaintance.

Oh, he was not kissing me.

Well, get him out of there.

Listen, my dear girl.

If you get yourself involved in anything remotely resembling a love affair, our

contract is off, washed up, finished.

If you even get yourself slightly married, I can so... You didn't marry

-mannered dolt, did you?

No, and he isn't an ill -mannered dolt.

No, I'm a first family of Indiana dolt, one you just met.

You're beautiful like a black rain cloud.

Oh, what was that again?

Really?

Oh, Chris, I could love you for that.

Oh, fine. Ask him if he's got a friend for me.

There's no time to lose. Meet Mario's tonight at 8 o 'clock sharp.

Of course I will.

No, there's nothing to stop me.

All right, tonight at 8.

Oh, thanks, Chris. I'm all excited.

Bye.

I'm excited, too.

I'm all of dither.

Was that Chris McClellan, the producer?

Well, don't say producers if it were a swear word. Chris is a genius. What's

that got to do with you? I'm his assistant.

Oh, even geniuses have assistants these days.

Hey, what's all the rush?

Right in the middle of rehearsals, Chris's director had a nervous

Chris is going to let me direct his new play.

But it'll keep, won't it?

With cash on salary and theater rents piling up? Oh, you don't know Chris.

When he makes up his mind, things have got to stop that very minute.

Something's already started.

Our honeymoon.

Oh, Hank.

I'm so in love with you it hurts, but don't you understand? I understand we're

married. Marriage is very important to me. Not the comedy relief, the three

play, you know. Well, it's serious to me, too, but what does that have to do

with my job?

When you married me, you got a new job, and it's full -time.

And I intend to work at it.

After the play.

And the honeymoon?

Well, all I want to do is see Chris long enough to get a copy of the play.

I'll tell him I have to study it for a week or so, and we'll leave New York

tomorrow morning.

But I still don't see why a play is so important.

Listen, Hank.

Five years ago, I came to New York with 40 cents and a chip on my shoulder.

New York took one look at me and laughed right out loud.

Then I got a chance with Chris McClellan, and I started winning on

Now, if I direct this play and it's good, I'll have New York right where I

it. Flat on its back, hollering uncle.

All right, Tig.

I'll stick with you through the last round.

I knew you would. But not as a casual acquaintance.

As your husband?

Of course as my husband.

But will it hurt to keep it a secret from Chris and the others at the

It won't be for long.

Please, Hank. But why?

Well, Chris thinks he's had several plays ruined because of married women.

a phobia when he simply won't have a married woman around.

Me? I'm in love with a married woman.

You better get back. Come on, I'll help you.

Well, I've got to make that conference tonight at Mario's. Do you mind if I sit

in on it? Of course I mind, but I want you to be as near as possible.

You wait for me in the lounge.

I'll get the script from Chris, we'll spend the night in your apartment, and

tomorrow morning we're both to Indiana, to the farm and your relatives.

Everything just the way you planned. But not in that hat.

Hello? Uh -huh. I thought you were still in that room. Now you get out of there

before I come down to Virginia and throw you out.

The man with the dark brown voice.

It's ready, Mr. McClellan. Has she been waiting long? Who is there?

Callahan, of course. Miss Callahan hasn't arrived.

What?

Thank you.

Hello,

Chris. Sit down.

Hey, Callahan, you're the most thoroughly selfish person I know.

What did I do now?

You kept me waiting a half hour.

Because that's all right. My time isn't valuable. I'm sorry, Chris. The train

was late. Oh, don't apologize.

Here am I, trying to produce the greatest show of my career. My leading

hardly speak English. You get involved with a romantic rustic.

And now, out of sheer spite, they're running the trains late. Oh, I don't

they did it on purpose.

Anyway, I'm here now, so let's talk sharp, huh?

Oh, Betty.

In New York, safe you are.

I am relief.

You mean you're relieved.

Relief is something you're going to be on unless you learn to speak English.

With the TIG to direct me, I shall speak English like a native.

Of what country?

I thought Uncle Sam was shipping you home. He's a trouble or something.

Don't worry about that. I've got five lawyers digging up reasons why they

deport Oscar. I have missed you, little TIG. I'm glad.

Look, TIG and I are having an intimate conversation.

We're busy.

I didn't invite you here.

Does any of that bother you?

No. It is the TIG who bothers me.

Oh, thank you, Oscar.

Save your charm for the Wednesday matinees.

So the minute you get out of my sight, you start playing Ring Around the Rosie

with some apple knocker by the name of Hank. He isn't an apple knocker. He

here. New York is full of apple knockers, and all they think of is

With a marriage.

What is wrong? I was going to be married three times, and three of my plays

flopped. Does that need clarification?

Yes. No, you've made your point offensively clear. I wonder. There's a

your eyes I don't like.

Now, the rest of the cast are over at the theater going through their line.

Are you listening to me or those drink nurses at the bar?

Go ahead, Chris. I'm listening.

Hello, Jerry.

Lone Wolf here?

No, just waiting for somebody.

What's new?

You can always find out by reading my column.

In case you can't read, I broadcast once every week.

I'm all too hard of hearing.

I always know how to make the girls laugh.

Oh, you must be new here. I never have a check. Everybody knows me.

Well, look who's back in town.

Champagne stocks are booming again thanks to the notorious playboy Willie

who has added a new charmer to his collection of lovelies.

What's news about that? The charmer happens to be one of your meal tickets.

Eve Starr, the sunshine lady.

Count me out of your party, Willie.

You're crazy. Eve's too smart to get involved in a thing like that.

Guess who?

Tig.

Whenever you get through staring at the tourists, just let me know.

Keep right on reading, Chris. I'm hanging on every word.

Hanky, I've missed you. Now tell me how much you've missed me. First, try and

explain this Willie Wilson business.

Maybe I can do it better myself.

Oh, Mr. Wilson, Mr. Dodd. Nice to have met you. Good night.

Come along, E. She's not coming. You run along.

Nobody speaks to Willie Wilson in that tone of voice.

Sure, raise your voice. Take a punch at each other. I'll get a wonderful story.

I apologize, Mr. Wilson.

I'll make your departure before I string your teeth for a necklace.

I think he means it.

Eve, you'll be sorry.

Come on, kid.

Not that.

What can a girl do when she's mad about her boss?

Jerry, do me a favor. Leave Eve out of this story. Twelve million kids believe

in the Sunshine Lady. Twenty million people read my column.

Now, wait a minute, Jerry.

I'll trade you story for story. You kill this item, and I'll give you the tip

-off next week on my marriage.

Well, that sounds like something. It is. All right. But the next time Eve starts

doing the rounds with Willie Wilson... Don't worry.

There won't be any next time.

Now, why don't you be sensible and go home? Let's do. We'll play hooky from

Waffle Bear and Dottie Deer. Not me. Just you. Look, if you don't take me

I'll whistle up Willie Wilson again and we'll crash every gossip column in town.

That's blackmail. Please, Hank.

Tomorrow I'll be all right. I'll read my script and not even gag at Dottie Deer.

But you've got to see me through tonight. You've got to stand by me or

something desperate.

I might even drown myself in kitty crackle.

All right, Eve, I'll take you home.

Hanky, I don't know what I'd do without you. You're the best friend a girl ever

loved.

Oh, we don't have to go now, do we? Oh, yes, in a few minutes. You wait right

here and be alone when I get back.

It's going to be an important cast, but the part of Damon I find... Mark Twain.

How's that for casting?

Perfect. It would be, only he's not available.

Who?

Ulysses S. Grant.

Well, Tig, this is a surprise.

It is to me.

It isn't to me. Nothing surprises me.

Won't you sit down?

Mr. Blix, Mr. McClellan, this is Mr. Dunn.

So you're Hank Dunn. So you're Chris McClellan. So you're the honk who knocks

the apple.

Who's the low comic?

That's his version of the English language.

You see, he's under the impression you're a rustic. In other words, an

knocker. The Ecclesiastes say so.

Just snap judgment.

Would you be at all interested in my snap judgment of you? Maybe later. Just

I'm busy. I'm trying to interest Miss Callaghan in a script.

That's all right. I have to run along anyway.

As a matter of fact, I was about to phone a man to meet me at my apartment

instead of here.

Is that the man?

A business associate with nothing I enjoy more than the gathering of old

friends. The sparkle of idle conversation.

The crackle of superfluous wit.

Of course, I have a mild interest in a play that's going to cost me $100 ,000.

But what's that to the scintillating brilliance of personal fiddle -faddle?

Nothing is more... A keen

Clark apartment.

Who lives there? I do.

Oh, now I see everything.

This is all your fault, Tig. You had to have a vacation.

So what happened?

You wind up in a whistle -stop tourist trap, holding hands with this rustic

rabelais, and... And come keys to the apartment.

Precisely. You give a man like that an inch, and the next thing you know, he's

planted two feet right in the middle of your career.

Before I punch you in the nose, you might as well know that Tig and I are...

me tell him, Hank.

It's about time he was told.

Oh, you see, it's very simple, Chris. You see, uh... My apartment's being

painted, and so Hank very kindly offered to let me use his.

Hello.

Hanky, you kept me waiting.

Oh, uh, Miss Callahan, Mr. Blix, Mr. McClellan, this is Eve Starr. Oh,

don't get up. Just stay slumped where you are.

Will you sit down? Yes.

Oh, do please, Miss Starr.

There's something I'd like to ask you. If I'm not intruding. Oh, no, you're not

intruding. The more, the merrier.

Tig, call up the 79th Infantry and see what they're doing tonight. You know,

fascinate me. I don't remember when I've met a man I disliked so much in such a

short time.

Madam, I pride myself on not having a friend in the world.

I like you, Chris.

That's the most depressing thing I've heard today.

Oh, uh, by the way, Miss Callahan, you said you wanted to ask me a question.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, tell me, how did Dottie Deer and Woofle Bear make out with Meenikin?

In true feminine fashion, they tore each other to pieces.

Far be it from me to interfere in a cat fight, but it seems to me, Dick

Callahan, you're giving a remarkable performance of a jealous woman.

I? Jealous of what, friend?

Oh, not of what, dear. Of whom?

Hanky, for instance.

He appealed to me.

Oh, for heaven's sake. There's a time and a place for everything.

Take it easy, Hanky.

Maybe he isn't good enough for Miss Callahan, but he's been like a brother

me. Brother?

Madam, I don't care if he's been a mother to you. All I want is a little

and peace.

Like there's a play to produce.

Look, don't try to weasel out of it. You owe me an apology for Hanky. All right.

All right, I apologize.

Now, will you please go?

I've had a lovely evening, but this wasn't it.

Give me a ring sometime, and I'll arrange to have Hanky bust your face in

you. Come on, Hanky. I'm sleepy. Take me home.

Incidentally, Chris, I'll start work right away.

Tonight.

Run along, Hanky. Your sunshine lady is going into a fog bag.

Don't tell me you're not involved with that man.

He's so pretty, the Tig.

He's so innocent, the Tig.

He's a wolf, the Hulk.

Well, let's get back to business.

Now, who did you say was playing the part of Ulysses S. Grant?

Mark Twain.

Oh, good.

Good.

You made a fine mess of things. I did my best.

There's a lot about this you don't understand.

I'll call you in the morning.

Hank, is she that important?

She's that important.

Oh.

Where to, lady?

Do you happen to know which way Willie Wilson's party went?

Yes, ma 'am. The Samba. Right across the street.

Where to? Right across the street.

One, two, three, one, three.

Come on, Chris. Let's go to the theater.

That was a lovely dinner. Thank you.

And thank you.

Waiter, your phone's ringing.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Dunn.

Hello? Hello, I'd like to speak to Mr. Dunn.

Who's calling, please? Mr. Dunn. Just a minute, Mr. Dunn.

Who did you say this was?

Mr. Dunn.

Which Mr.

Dunn? Mr. Henry Dunn.

Which Mr.

Henry Dunn?

There's only one Henry Dunn, and I want to talk to Miss Callahan.

Just a minute.

sorry, but you must be mistaken.

You are not Mr.

Dunn. Mr.

Dunn is in the next booth and he's telephone.

I haven't got time to argue with you. I want to talk to Miss Callahan.

Who's calling?

Mr. Dunn. Mr.

Henry Dunn.

Just a minute.

Who's Mr. Dunn? There's a man on the phone who says he's you. He is.

He is.

Excuse me.

Do you feel all right? I feel fine. Now, will you get Miss Callaghan on the

telephone? Yes, sir.

Frank, you won't believe me.

Mr. Dunne is in there, and he wants to talk to Miss Callaghan in there.

Miss Callaghan just left. She went to the Madeleine Theatre.

I'm sorry, but Miss Callaghan just left.

Where did she go?

To McClellan Theatre. Thank you.

The tune.

Remember? I remember.

The Riviera.

You and me.

You and I.

You and him.

So long ago?

Only yesterday.

Let's dance to yesterday.

The guy outside, his name is Dunn. He wants in.

Keep him off. He wants in awful bad. He said something about breaking the door

down. He's got plans for you.

Tell him to beat it.

Oh.

Wait a minute.

Let him in.

Bring him here.

Ah, you're getting smart.

Why, hello, Mr. Dunn. Glad you could drop in. How are you?

Why, to be sure. We love visitors.

Gives the theater a sort of neighborly feeling.

Now, you just stand over here out of the way and enjoy yourself.

Boy, see that guy over there? He's been annoying Tig all evening. I can't

actually throw him out, but you know what to do, don't you?

Go away.

Leave it to us, Governor.

Bill! Yeah?

You'll be out of the way.

Oh, thank you.

What about that anchor effect in the second act? Going to work tonight? It

has before.

Don't worry, boss. We'll take care of it. Hey, Bill!

Now look what you've done. You've knocked him cold. Oh, Mr. McClellan, I'm

sorry.

Would you mind running through this scene again? I'm not as familiar with

play as I'd like to be.

Dig.

Quiet, please. We're rehearsing.

Pick it up on your first beat, Jocelyn.

It's you and me.

Remember?

I remember.

The Riviera.

Long ago.

Only yesterday.

Wind, thunder, mule brain, rooster croak.

It's strange.

We're a thousand miles in land and yet that true...

Let's try it once more, please.

It's strange.

We're a thousand miles from land.

Never mind the gremlins. Try this one again.

It's strange.

We're a thousand miles from land, and yet that...

That was a low, mean, underhanded trick. You know we're going to have a fight,

and you let her sneak punch before the bell.

Well, what do we fight about first?

Oh, I'm so mad at you, I can't decide.

But I had to talk to you.

We'll take that up later.

Right now, I want to know about Eve Starr.

I was merely trying to get her home before she disillusioned 12 million kids

crashing the gossip problem. But don't worry. I can handle her. Yes, I noticed

that. You had her right where she wanted you.

Why, she acted as if she owned and operated you. Well, that's because she

doesn't know I'm married.

Couldn't tell her, could I?

That was our agreement, wasn't it?

Oh, yes, but... Doesn't that settle everything?

Leave me alone.

I'm trying not to think what I'm thinking.

I'll show you what I think.

Now,

you can go out and tell Chris you won't be available for a week. Our honeymoon

starts tomorrow.

But Hank, I... Did you hear what I said?

Yes, Hank.

Okay. Now I'm going to get out of this fire trap. Meet me in my apartment.

You've got the key.

Yes, Hank.

Carry me back to old India.

Hey, wait a minute. You can't do this to me.

You can't do this to me. I can't stay here. My wife's waiting for me at home.

This is our honeymoon. Doesn't that mean anything to you? No, I've been married

15 years.

Just get yourself some rest, buddy. The judge gets in bright and early at 9 a

.m.

I read you.

Good

morning,

ma 'am.

I expect you to know Mrs. Dunn. Was there an old one?

Yes, ma 'am. There was.

Yes, ma 'am. Mr. Henry's mother.

His family and mine have been together for more years than I can tell.

And Mr. Henry's associate.

Associate? Yes, ma 'am. You see, he makes the money, and Charles, that's me,

spends it as carefully as I can on nourishing vittles.

How would you like to have a nice big bowl full of crispy crackles for

breakfast? Well, we got a whole closet full.

Charles, my first order in this household is to throw out every crispy

to the last flake.

Yes, ma 'am. I don't like her either.

Oh,

Charles. Yes, ma 'am? I think we're going to get along fine.

Yes, ma 'am.

Would you mind telling me where you've been?

You should know.

I'll say I should.

Well, what's the first alibi I'm not going to believe anyway? Maybe I was out

with Eve Starr.

Maybe you're kidding on the level. But if you want to know the truth, I spent

the night in jail.

Jail? Yes, and it wasn't co -ed.

Your charming boss, Mr. McClellan, got me a lovely room overlooking a row of

iron bars.

Chris threw you into jail?

Oh, my heaven.

Oh,

poor Hank.

I'll never forgive Chris for doing that to you.

I'll take care of the Chris department after our honeymoon.

By the way, did you tell him you're taking a leave of absence?

Yes, and he said no, but we're going anyway. I'm all packed.

We've just got time for breakfast, and we're off to the banks of the Wabash.

Good. I'll grab myself a quick shave.

Incidentally, I'm starved.

Tell him I'd like breakfast with a charming lady.

Well, almost, Linoffy.

His beautiful view.

Mmm, he's long way down.

Would be squash like mashed potato if I fall on sidewalk, no?

Uh -uh.

Just wishful thinking.

Have a cigarette, Oscar.

A coffee, Mr. Derry.

I'll pull out the chair. You just bow from the waist up.

Here.

Well, isn't this cozy?

Isn't it, though? I like it much.

I don't like to rush you, but isn't it about time you went wherever you go to

whatever it is you do?

Oh, I go to the theater with the team.

Pass the toast.

Mr. McClellan is here.

Mr. McClellan? Well, Charles, phone the police and have them pick up a body

that's about to fall off the terrace.

Stay where you are and drop that butter knife.

What is this, the breakfast club? Don't bother to make a dull answer. I've

something more important to talk about.

You, naturally.

Two eggs. Fry them in olive oil and garnish them with anchovy paste. If we

haven't any, use the ant face.

Yes, sir.

Later on, I'm going to find out how you got out of jail so soon. Later on,

you're going to find out it isn't healthy to throw people in jail.

you'll allow... I've got a job for you.

What, another?

Yes, but this one is easy. You don't mind if we ignore you for the moment. I

want you to marry Oscar.

The tea? She married me?

It's a good idea. Nobody asked your opinion.

Well, if you want my opinion... Which I decidedly do not.

All five of my lawyers agree that the only way to save Oscar from being

is for him to get married here in this country. That's good.

I'm greatly happy.

Well, if you're staying here, it depends on Tiggs marrying you. You're already

halfway home, wherever it is.

When do we get married?

No hurry. Anytime within the next 60 days. Well, I'm not going to marry Oscar

within the next 60 days or the next 60 years.

But, Tiggs, it's a fine idea.

I love you.

Sorry, Oscar, but I don't love you.

What has love got to do with it? This is business. You know as well as I do that

I need Oscar in the play. Take.

It's not in your heart to see me wind up a bankrupt old man. Nothing would make

me happier than to throw dimes in your tin cup. The answer is still no.

Tig Callahan, after all I've done for you, I asked you to do one simple thing.

Marry Oscar. And you turned me down. Why?

Well, you gave me the reason last night.

Emotional involvement.

How can you get emotionally involved with Oscar? He's an actor. What I warned

you about was marrying somebody that you were in love with. This little Mad

Hatter's convention has gone far enough.

Tig, haven't you got something to say to this guy? Well, not now. I want to

think things over.

What do you mean, think things over? It's all settled. You marry Oscar and...

But I can't. And I'll tell you why.

Because she's married to me.

That's funny. I thought I heard him say that you two were married.

We are.

Tig, tell me he's a liar.

Tell me it's all a publicity gag.

Then it's true.

You've betrayed me.

You've sacrificed your whole career for a cheap, sneaky, puerile fling at love.

Love and this, this jailbird.

Tig Callaghan, all women are fools, but you've abused your prerogative.

You're through, Tig.

Fire. I'll never see you again.

I can't get out of your sight fast enough.

I'll regret this to my dying day.

Tig, I am a great disappointment.

Well, how do you want to go but the elevator is about

Well,

that's that

now I can enjoy my coffee yes, that is that what's the matter You just threw

five years of my hard work out the door, and you ask what's the matter? Oh,

never mind those five years. It's all the five years to come that's important.

After all, he was abusing you. He was not. He was just talking.

Well, I could have smoothed things over, but you had to open your big mouth and

smash everything.

What'd I smash?

Your promise, for one thing.

I didn't pause to stand by and watch some guy turn my wife into a bigamist.

No, but you didn't have to fix things so I'd lose everything I worked for,

everything I spent all... Oh, take it so seriously, Tig. After all, it's just a

job. Just a job?

I tried to tell you how important it was to me, and I thought you understood.

Oh, come on, Tig. Let's stop all this nonsense.

Nonsense? Yes, nonsense.

If you're going to let a moth -eaten play and a stage full of ham actors come

between us, what else is it but nonsense?

Nonsense? Can you pull my career right out the door? Where's your good sense?

Hello? This is Mr. McClellan.

You tell Miss Callahan to come down and clean out her desk, or I'll burn it to

the ground.

Just a minute. I'll put Mrs. Darnold for you.

I still don't know what I did outside of stand on my rights.

Hang on. If you don't get out of here, I'm going to explode.

All right, all right. I'll go.

I can't stand the sound of exploding women.

I'm going to the office, and I'll be there till midnight.

At least. Well, I won't be here when you come back. I didn't say I was coming

back. And I didn't ask if you were.

In case you get curious, however, you can call me any time up till midnight.

If I don't hear from you by then, I'll know all bets are off. As far as I'm

concerned, all bets are off. As of now. And if there's any telephoning done,

you'll do it. Only I won't be here to answer.

Until midnight.

It's for you, Mrs. Dunn.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Well, Charles, I guess you heard everything.

Yes, ma 'am.

Should I bring you breakfast in here, Mom?

I wouldn't eat a bite of his food if I were starving, which I am.

Yes, Mrs. Dunn.

The nerve of that man after what he's done to me expecting me to call him.

I can be just as stubborn as he can, or more so.

Even if I could forgive him for what he did, which I can't, I could never

forgive him for not understanding what he did.

Just a job.

Oh, Mr. Dunn.

Welcome home. Hello, Grace.

Nice vacation?

Lovely, yes. Any phone calls?

Yes, the sunshine lady called.

Oh, what'd she want?

She wanted you to rescue her from some waffle bears.

Okay, okay.

By the way, Mr. Tracy's very upset.

He's anxious to see you. Should I tell him you're in?

No.

Warren Tracy, your partner, remember?

I own half of this business. What do you mean by saying you didn't want to see

me? Who do you think you are?

I'm the guy who owns the other half of this business, and I still don't want to

see you. I'm busy.

What's this all about? What makes you so busy? I'm waiting for a phone call.

I'm glad you're back, Hank. We're in a jam.

Oh, I got troubles enough of my own. I got married on my vacation. All right,

all right, so I'll buy you a wedding present. But right now, we've got to

about the sunshine lady. She's disappeared.

How do you know? Well, first, she didn't show up for a broadcast this morning.

We had to use a substitute woofer bear.

Second, she called me up and said, yeah, yeah, yeah, guess where I am?

I've hired three detectives trying to find her, and now I can't even find the

detectives. Well, I saw her at Mario's last night with Willie Wilson. I sent

home. Willie Wilson? Yeah.

I'm going to hire three more detectives. That guy would ruin a girl's reputation

even if he married her.

Hello, darling.

I'm sorry, Grace.

All right, put him on.

Only 7 o 'clock. I knew he'd get in before I would.

Hank Dunn, I don't want to listen to a word you have to say.

Splendid, splendid.

Only this isn't Hank, this is Chris.

And I'm glad you finally come to your senses.

I know everything.

My attorney is here with me and we're coming right over.

Oh, no, not right now, Chris, please.

No, I don't feel like eating dinner.

All right, come over after dinner.

Sure, I'm sure. She's been doing the town with Willie Wilson.

Last time I heard of the pair, they were on their way to Long Island.

What do you mean, I'll hear your motive?

I just happened to hear you were looking for Eve Starr. I just happened to know

where she was.

Just happened, that's all.

Goodbye.

Thanks for the tip, Frank.

I'll be just in time to see the boys trade a couple of lovely black eyes.

Thank you, sir.

Well, if I may locate her.

Who? Who do you think? The whoopleback kid. She left the samba club ten minutes

ago to drive out with Willie Wilson to his Long Island place.

That's nice.

Well,

don't sit there. We've got to go out and get her.

Who? The sunshine lady, Eve Starr.

Where is she?

Driving out to Willie Wilson's place on Long Island. I just told you.

Oh, oh, we'd better go get her. Better go get her. What is it with you? Come

Grace, we're going out to Willie Wilson's place on Long Island. I'm

important phone call from Mrs. Dunn.

There's a Mrs. Dunn?

There's a Mrs. Dunn. You'd better stay here until it comes in. It should be

sometime before midnight. I'll check with you later.

Yes, sir.

Oh,

it's you. I was tied up for a couple of hours. This is Mr. Thompson, my

attorney. How do you do? Won't you sit down? Thank you.

Mr. Thompson wants to ask you a few questions. It won't take long. It's

practically painless.

What are you waiting for, Thompson?

Now, where were you married?

Virginia. Beautiful state.

Beautiful.

Is there another woman?

Oh, no.

He explained that. Too bad. Did he strike you?

He struck me.

Of course he didn't strike me.

Too bad.

Was he sullen, morose, or domineering?

He was to me.

He was kind, thoughtful, cheerful, thoroughly charming and lovable. And

is. The only thing wrong with Hank Dunn is he's stubborn.

Madam, that's the most nonsensical grounds for divorce I've ever heard.

Well, you don't say anything about divorce.

I did. Now, don't be selfish, Tig.

How else are you going to marry Oscar and save my play for me? It's your

question. You answer it. But think what it means. You'll get your job back. I

promise. Funny thing, Chris.

This morning, that job was awfully important.

Right now, it doesn't mean a thing.

Look, Tig.

I'm an old man.

I haven't got many years left.

This play will probably be my last.

With Oscar playing the lead.

It'll be a monument to my memory.

And I can crawl into my crypt a happy man.

That always was a terrible second act, Kirk and Chris.

All you have to do... Please go.

All right, Tig.

You go your way.

And I hope you'll be happy.

But if you ever get into trouble, if you ever need any help, just come to me

wherever I am.

And I'll give you a nice swift kick in the pants.

My, it must be getting very late.

I wonder if any of these clocks are right around here. Charles, at two

past twelve, I'm going to make a phone call.

Yes, ma 'am. But not a moment before.

That, Charles, is what is called a moral victory.

Yes, ma 'am.

He loves me, he don't.

He'll have me, he won't. He would if he could, but he can't, so he won't.

But he had a quarrel, so maybe he will.

Oh, please.

Where in the devil's that taxi I ordered?

Uh -oh, midnight.

You're still worried about her after all she's done to you.

Landfield 56009, please. Hank Dunn, do you mean to say that after all the kitty

crackles I've sold for you, you don't love me, even a little bit?

No, I don't love you, not even a little bit.

Why, Mr. Dunn.

Oh, I'm sorry, Grace.

She didn't call.

Okay, close the board and go on home.

Grace.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Good night, Mr. Dunn.

Tracy and Dunn.

Hello, I'd like to speak to Mr. Dunn, please.

This is Mrs. Dunn.

He isn't.

Well, do you know where he is?

Thank you.

Willie Wilson's home on Long Island.

Charles, what would Hank be doing there?

I wouldn't know that.

I would.

He's pouting.

I can see him.

Charles, get the car. We're going to surprise Mr. Dunn. Yes, ma 'am.

Well, to your duty, boys.

You go ahead. I'll wait for the reporters.

My what?

How can you cover a riot without a photographer?

Riot? What are you talking about? The police are just about to arrest them.

Arrest who for what?

Oh, didn't your city editor tell you anything?

It's Eve Starr and that gun seller. They came up here and behaved in a very

obstreperous manner.

Ran me off my own property. Got that?

Yes.

Don't worry, Eve. I'll get it straightened out at the police station.

Hey! That's a lovely shade of lipstick, your wife.

Tig, I just came up here to tell that story to the judge. Take it along, all

right? Tig, you've got to listen to me.

Oh, hello.

I'm sorry you missed the riot.

Your mink, madam. Thank you.

You really should have been here. It was magnificent.

Wait for me, Hanky.

Where are we going, ma 'am?

Reno.

Mrs. Dunn. Mrs. Torres.

I wonder what he wants.

Mrs. Watson.

Good luck, Tig, and stick to your guns. We're waiting for you with open arms.

Signed, Chris and Oscar.

Ex or future husband.

Business associate.

Diane!

Diane!

Hi, girl.

What happened? Did it hurt my... What did the judge say? Meet the ex -Mrs.

Thompson.

74.

Oh, you take it, will you? Okay. I'll take the message.

It's from Reno.

Driving out to pick you up. Will arrive almost as soon as this

message.

Have your bag packed or would you like a punch in the nose?

Signed, Hank.

He sounds wonderful. Who is he? My husband.

Is he always that subtle?

Yes, that's part of his charm.

What are you going to do about it?

When he gets here, tell him I've gone to a left.

Oh, don't worry, honey. If he's good -looking, we'll keep him for ourselves.

Come in. And I hope it's a man.

Sorry. Hi, Jake.

Say, give me a hand with these boots, will you?

Sure, if you'll let me hide in your room for a while.

Hide? For my husband. He's on his way out here to try and patch things up.

don't hide too well, or he won't be able to find you. He wants him to find me.

You do, and you know it.

I just wish my George would walk into this room and look up at me with those

great big...

stupid eyes of his, and asked me to come back. But I thought you wanted a

divorce. Ah, let's quit kidding ourselves.

I'm here for the same reason the others are, because I couldn't hold my husband.

That wonderful heel.

Peg! Oh, there he is now.

Well, go ahead.

Stop hiding behind that side of yours and get down there. I should say not.

haven't any idea what he did to me.

Oh, just something to tell your grandchildren about.

Hey, T.

Oh, that honking isn't going to change my mind. Now you go away.

Well, that did it.

He's driving away.

He isn't. He can't. Hurry.

Hurry, darling.

Just as I thought.

Now pack a bag and get down there before he changes his mind.

Why don't you get out of the car and come on in.

coming out. She's crazy if she doesn't.

Come on.

Hey, here she is.

Oh, half of the time no ask a thing.

How funny do you kiss starved dames.

Where do we go from here? The road from here leads to Indiana, but I've got to

take this car back to Reno first.

Go fast, Hank. I don't want to miss any more trains.

Almost divorced.

Almost. Love me, Hank?

No. Oh, you're sweet.

I'm a liar, too. I hope so.

Weren't we silly to let a little misunderstanding come between us?

What misunderstanding?

You know.

No, I don't.

Well, it wasn't a misunderstanding, wasn't it? I mean that night at Willie

Wilson's. Now, let's don't go into that.

me to convict you on circumstantial evidence.

Well, you could have cleared the whole thing up if I'd only asked you, couldn't

you? Now, Tig.

Well, couldn't you?

Well, isn't my being here answer enough?

I'd like to give my conscience a mental bath by confessing I made a fool of

myself that night.

Or did I?

Will you please forget all about Eve, Star? Are you sure you have?

Please, Tig, let's talk about something else.

Now, let's not lose our temper, Tig.

Tig. When you got into this car, I took it for granted that everything was

forgotten and forgiven.

Then I have something to forgive you for.

We're not going through life putting everything on a scale, weighing

to the ounce, are we?

After all, what difference does the whole affair make now?

It could mean the same difference there is between New York and Reno.

All right, Tig, let's not have another misunderstanding.

You may have missed the first part of my program.

Up to now, our marriage has been a whole series of misunderstandings and radio

programs. Shh, this is important business.

I've come to tell you goodbye.

and it depends on a radio program and something you think happened up at

Wilson's, I don't want any part of it. Of what?

Of all this, of a future that's going to be haunted by your suspicion in Maggie.

husband, Henry Dunn, advertising executive, Tick Callahan, is back on the

stem, putting finishing touches to Chris McClellan's new play, which will star

Oscar Blix, if he settles his differences with immigration authority.

See what the Yankees did today.

Don't try to kid me, Hank.

About the Yankees? Yes, and you're playing Pagliacci in the outfield.

Whatever gave you that silly idea?

Ever since Reno, you've been avoiding me.

I've been busy.

Well, just as long as you put Tick out of your mind.

Who said she's out of my mind?

Well, if she isn't, you are. Didn't I just read you about her divorce?

All that.

When Tig promised to love and cherish me, she meant it.

She still means it. She still gave you the Reno cure.

And I'm still crazy about it.

Hang done. I've never hit a man in my life, but right now I could beat your

brains out with a feather.

Take me out of here before I make a scene.

Fig, you look swell. Miss Callaghan, are you? And stop pawing her. You look

swell, too, Hank.

That's where life becomes you. Yes, doesn't it?

You're looking poorly, Mr. McClellan. I'm delighted.

I feel fine.

That's a pity.

Oh, by the way, I read about your divorce.

Congratulations, darling.

You're so subtle, dear. I'm sorry we can't stay and have a drink with you two

charming people, but have a cup of hemlock and charge it to me.

Come along, Hanky. I want to run by my apartment and change before the

broadcast.

Tig, if you're not too busy sometime, I'd like to... Sorry, I'll spend my life

on a 24 -hour shift.

Goodbye, Hanky.

What's the matter, Tig? Cinder in your eye?

No, must need glasses.

Seeing him with her upsets you.

Yeah. Besides that, I don't feel very well.

Still in love with him. What do you think? I think you're still in love with

him. And after all he's done to you.

Funny. I can only recall all I've ever done to him.

The only thing that kept me from throwing my arms around him just now was

Chris.

I guess that's the last advice I have.

Stop running yourself down.

He's a heel. I come from a long line of heels and I know.

Say, what's the matter?

Water.

I am not.

How do you know? Are you a doctor?

Congratulations, you're going to be a father.

am not.

Everybody around here seems to know more than I do.

You're all run down.

Take these calcium tablets according to direction.

And another thing, you'll have to quit work.

She does not.

I say she does.

What are women coming to? My great -grandmother used to fight Indians with

hand. I am not interested in your family history.

No work, you understand?

Let him earn his own living.

to be a father. I knew I couldn't trust him. But you, how you could do this to

me, Tig?

I've got to go see Hank.

Remember, Tig, I'm involved in this. I've got a play at stake.

My last offense is crumpled.

What was left of my pride has turned up its toes.

You know, Chris, I think I finally found out how to be a good wife.

But I haven't got a husband to practice on.

Well, there's always Oscar.

You could marry him.

I'm going to Hank and tell him how things are.

I'm going to eat a big slice of humble pie and hope you'll take me back.

All right, Tig.

Remember, if there's anything I can do, just let me know.

And Tig?

Yes?

Mr. McClellan?

Why, of course I remember you. You're the man with the obnoxious personality.

I have a T .L. for you, too, but there's no time for social amenities.

I'm about to lose a director, and you're about to lose a sweetheart.

I just found out that Tig Callahan is going to have a baby.

How do you know?

How do I know? I just had a wire from the store.

Look, she's on her way to Hank's apartment right now. If you don't do

before she gets there, there are simps to get married all over again.

Well, what can I do?

Do fight fire with fire. Do anything, but do it fast.

I'll meet you at Hank's apartment in a half hour.

What are you doing here?

Mario, he told me about the city.

How she is. She's not sick, but she's crazy. And stop worrying about her,

about me.

You are not sick? No, but I will be when they kick you back to your own country.

Ah, it's beautiful, my country.

It's friendly, my country.

All the people love me.

It's far away, my country.

Someday I go there to die.

It's good riddance. But later, after the play.

You won't believe it, but you've just given me a great idea.

Now you come along with me, and whatever happens, you keep your mouth shut.

Why, it's a good idea.

He talks.

Hello, Charles.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Dunn.

I mean, Miss Callaghan.

Well, I've got a surprise for you, Charles. It's going to be Mrs. Dunn

hope. Well, fancy meeting you here, Miss Callaghan.

Well, I hope I'm intruding. When two women meet who dislike each other, one

be intruding.

I thought you didn't like it here. It wasn't the apartment I didn't like, Eve.

It was you. Oh, Ted, you're flattering me.

Well, I was. Most of you, if that pleases you. Oh, you'll never know how

But now I'm convinced I overrated your part in my domestic difficulties.

Oh, I know you did your best.

But the one who really parted Hank and me was me.

Oh, I had a bear trap set for Hank for years. But I couldn't land him. That is,

until you came along and shoved him right into my arms.

I don't think I shoved him that far.

Oh, yes, you did.

Oh, I admit I got Hank on the rebound. He came to me because he couldn't have

you. But he's mine now, and he loves me.

We've made plans.

You've had your chance, Tig.

Don't spoil mine.

I've wanted to wear this for so long.

Don't take it away from me.

Maybe you could appeal to his sympathy in some way, but it wouldn't be fair.

Please, Tig, for Hank's sake.

No, Eve.

I won't do anything to make Hank unhappy.

Oh, Chris.

Chris, Hank and Eve are going to be... Are going to be married, of course.

Everybody knows that. I just heard it on the radio.

You're well rid of him, Tig.

But I did it, Chris.

I did it. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself. You've merely lost Hank, but

Oscar's going to lose his life.

Oscar? Yes, they're going to be poor.

I know.

Well, don't be so confounded casual about it. Oscar came to me this

with tears in his eyes. Chris, he said, save me or I die.

Did he?

This is serious, Kate.

Oscar confessed to me. He's the most hated man in his country.

Every month in his hometown, they declare a holiday and hang him in

Little children, so hot, go around singing nasty songs about him. His life

your hands.

My? Yeah.

It won't take long.

Oscar's waiting in the car.

I've made all the arrangements.

Steve, come on. We're giving a grand performance in New Jersey.

Here, Charles.

Check this.

Hello?

I want to speak to Mr. Dunn.

It's important.

vitally important.

At the break for a trial, they'd pick up a traffic cop.

Why don't you give him a ticket? He was going a lot faster than I was.

Don't try to tell me my business.

But I think I will.

Don't look now, Mr. Dunn, but we have just picked up an officer also.

Drive more carefully.

think you're going in such a hurry? To adjust it for the P.

He'll be glad to see you. We're having bank night in traffic court. And if

you're lucky, this ticket will get you a 30 -day dip in the can.

I could bawl you out, but I'm disgusted with the human race.

I talk and talk till I'm blue in the face and still people come cohooting

through here like they was chasing Cormac.

What's your name?

Rafferty. Mine's O 'Leary.

Hers is Callahan and his is McGillicuddy. Yeah?

Very lonely.

Are they now?

is chasing us with a gun that long.

Is he now?

He's a cruel man. He beats her.

Oh, he does, does he?

You wouldn't let it be said of a rappatee that he stood in the way of a

happiness, would you?

That I will not.

Now, the law says any speed in case of an emergency, and this is an emergency.

Follow me.

What's your alibi? I'm in an awful hurry.

Yeah, I noticed that.

But you don't understand. I'm chasing my wife.

How's that?

My wife, she's eloping with another man.

But that's illegal.

If she goes through with it, she'll be setting up housekeeping in the municipal

clinic. She's not responsible.

She's out of her mind. She's been talked into it. Now, please let me go before

it's too late.

Okay, Bob. I hope you're not lying.

They must have gone to Judge Allen's place. It's the nearest. Follow me.

a lot.

Nice fellow, this policeman.

This is more like it, huh, Charles?

Can you hear me, Charles?

Yes, sir. I can hear you much better if you just keep looking straight ahead,

Mr. Dunn.

Judge Allen's right inside.

Thank you.

You take him in, officer. I'll be along in a second.

Back to man. Don't let him in. Remember, he beats you. Why, you don't look old

enough to be her father.

Well, he's only her stepfather. Besides, he's prematurely young. Oh,

no, you don't, Mr. Stepfather.

What? You're not going in there. Oh, yes, I am. Let him alone. His wife's in

there. She's going to marry another guy. Oh, it's his wife. It's a job. He's her

husband, and I can tell you don't. Oh, yes, he does. No, he don't.

That's what you got.

Mind your manners, Rafferty.

Mind your jaw, Sullivan.

They never do, Rafferty. Ask your father.

I don't have to ask my father. I know what I'm talking about.

Now,

let me see. Mr. Blake?

Blake. Oh, you're Mr. Blake.

Mr. Blake, you're going to be the bridegroom?

Yes.

Splendid, my boy. Congratulations.

Miss Callahan, you are going to be the happy bride.

Am I?

I say, you are going to be the bride, aren't you?

Right? Oh, no.

She means yes. She sounded like no. Now, you keep out of this. You meant yes,

didn't you? Now, who's going to be married here? Miss Callahan or you?

Sounded to me like you said no.

Yes. Well, may I ask why?

Because I love Hank.

Might I ask you who Hank happens to be? He's my husband.

He is not. And he's going to marry me.

Will you please be quiet? This whole thing is confusing enough as it is.

Now, young lady, if you think you're in love with a man by the name of Hank,

why, why in thunderation do you contemplate marriage with him?

Well, I never did.

He said something about coming up here to save his life.

What is? Now, you keep out of this.

I am developing a monumental dislike for you.

Did I understand you to say that this person's life was in jeopardy? Yes. It

not so.

You lied to me. Now, quit cribbing. Hurry up and marry Oscar.

I'm a busy man. No.

But, Teague, I love you. No.

I am desolate. You are desolate.

Well, what do you... What do you think... What do you think I am?

Stop! Stop everything!

Rafferty! Sullivan!

Will you kindly desist from disjoining that gentleman or whatever it is you're

trying to do?

Yes, yes. Thank you. Thank you very much for your consideration.

Now, who in thunderation are you?

He's my husband.

Yes.

Well, how do you do?

This young lady who says you're her husband is about to marry him.

What are you here for?

To give the bride away?

I'm here to take her back.

Hank, are you really?

Oh, but you can't. Why can't he? Because he's going to marry her.

I'm what?

That's right. That's right.

Now, young lady, it's your turn. What have you to contribute to this general

confusion?

Nothing very important, except that I lied to you, Tate. No. No lying.

But the wedding veil.

Just a little something for my scrapbook.

Hank. Yes? Will you marry me right here and now?

Will I?

Pete! You can't do that. I'm an old man. I haven't many years left. This play

would probably have been my last.

Marrying Oscar would have made it possible for me to crawl into my crypt a

man. I'll give you something to crawl into.

Sullivan? Rafferty?

Clear the court of these three obnoxious characters. I want to be alone with

this young couple.

A pleasure, sir. Yes, sir. I am going to get to the bottom of this. This affair

that takes me the rest of my natural life.

Don't let him out of your sight.

I am greatly unhappy.

I think I'll go back to my old country. Oh, no, you don't. I've got a new idea.

Eve, how would you like to quit radio and act in my new play? All you have to

is to marry Oscar.

Now, wait a minute. I warn you, Eve. I come from a long line of heels and I'll

fuck you right back.

I don't think you will.

All right, young man.

Now you.

Are you positively sure that you want to marry him?

This time for Keith.

I hope so.

Hank, before we get married, I've got a surprise for you.

What, another one? We're going to have a baby.