Original subtitles

[traffic noise]

[thunder rumbling]

[ominous music]

What's this for?

You'll see.

- A little fun and games, huh? -[chuckles]

I wonder what your constituents will think of you now?

Screw 'em.

Aren't they cute?

Oh, this is going to be fun. What are we doing, anyway?

Who gives a shit?

Thank you.

Thank you, Basil.

- Will there be anything else, madam? - No, Basil. That's all.

[door slams]

Scarlett, darling, come on.

The suspense is killing me.

Tighten your twat, dear.

Okay, everybody.

The game is simple.

Everyone put on a mask and move around.

On the count of ten, you hook up with a partner,

and remember,

no peeking.

How do we know who we're with?

That's the game, stupid.

Oh, this is going to be fun.

Do you think she's still a virgin?

[laughter]

Okay, now, put on your masks.

[moaning]

Now, move around, everybody.

[upbeat rock music]

{laughs} - Ready?

One...two...three...

Dig this.

- Four... -[laughs]

- Five...six... -[moans]

Seven...eight...nine.

Grab it.

[panting]

Oh, yech.

[upbeat rock music]

[moaning]

Oh, oh.

Oh.

Oh, that's it. Great.

[moaning]

Mmm.

Ooh.

[thunder rumbling]

[moaning]

- Oh. - Shh.

[moaning]

[thunder rumbling] [panting]

[moaning]

[slurping]

[thunder rumbling] [moaning]

[slurping]

[thunder rumbling]

[rock music cont.]

Oh, ooh, uh --

[crying]

[thunder rumbling] [gasping]

[moaning]

[lively rock music]

Mmm, mmm.

[thunder rumbling]

[moaning] [panting]

[grunting]

[screaming]

[pounding on door]

What's wrong?

Scarlett is dead.

[thunder rumbling]

[phone ringing]

Dexter Sleuth, Private Eye. Speak your piece.

Yes?

Yes?

Eviction notice? We paid last month's rent.

Oh, I see, a bounce. Imagine that.

Listen, Charlie, it's not my responsibility.

I only work here.

Yes, I'll tell him

he's only got 'til the first of the month, or else.

Good bye.

Good morning, Sylvia.

What's cookin'?

Shit's cookin'. Can't you ever get here on time?

I got messages up the ass for you.

Okay, Sylvia, shoot.

Francine called.

No dice, she's all tied up for the night.

Cherry called.

Don't bother, unless you're into Greek culture.

Some chick named Vanilla called,

said the ad was for studs only and not to bother.

Anybody else?

Detective Schultz called in

and some lady named Olga Rich wants you to get your butt over to her place pronto.

She says it's very important.

What for?

I don't know.

Maybe it's a job and maybe I can get paid this week.

Olga Rich?

Isn't she the dame who owns the chain of health food stores?

Yes, that old battle axe.

She's the organic queen money.

Sylvia, you think we got a live one?

Yes, you better get over there quick before she overdoses on Vitamin E.

You're not going like that.

Sure, why not?

Blow another job? Listen, you got to go shape up.

What's wrong with this?

"What's wrong?" he says.

You look like a schmuck, that's what.

The trouble with you is you don't look like Sam Spade.

I'm not Sam Spade, I'm Dexter Sleuth.

That's the point.

You got to change your image.

Why?

First of all, you look too neat.

You got to go have that rumpled-up all-night look.

You got to look like those TV guys.

Hold it.

Give me a second.

[drum roll]

Ta-da.

What do you think?

Not bad, almost there.

I know what it is, the smell.

Hey, I don't smoke.

Tough titty, learn.

You want to be a successful detective, or not?

Now what's wrong?

I don't know. I can't quite put my finger on it.

I got it.

Put your hands up.

Well?

Go sick them, tiger.

[grows]

Miss Rich will receive you in the receiving room, sir.

- Thank you. - You're quite welcome.

[snoring]

Oh, Shit.

Miss Rich?

Miss Rich?

Miss Rich?

Yes?

Miss Rich, I'm Detective Sleuth.

Sleuth?

Oh, yes.

Detective Sleuth, you're that private dick.

Do sit down.

No, no, no, use the chair.

Oh, a little closer.

Oh, my eyes, Mr. Dick.

That's Sleuth, ma'am.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Sleuth.

Miss Rich, what can I do for you?

Young man, let me get right to the point.

Yes, ma'am?

I'm sure you've heard of the dildo murder case.

Oh, of course I have.

They still haven't found her murderer.

That poor, lovely girl.

What was her name?

Her name was Scarlett.

[thunder rumbling]

You see, Mr. Sleuth,

Scarlett was my niece.

- Really? - Yes.

Not only was she my niece,

she was my favorite niece.

Ever since her death,

I've been wanting to have my vengeance

put upon that filthy pervert that killed her,

but up to now,

I can see that the police are nothing but a bunch of pussies.

That's why I called you.

How's that?

Mr. Dick.

That's Sleuth.

Oh, yes, Sleuth.

I saw your ad in the Yellow Pages.

"Need to tail your loved one on the fly?

Call the dick with the private eye."

flaughsl

How poetic.

Thank you. I try to live up to my ad.

You will.

What's this for?

You're hired.

For what?

To find the murderer, you cocker.

The murderer?

Yes, the murderer.

Can you find it or not?

Of course I can, the murderer.

You'll have your vengeance, Miss Rich.

Good.

You know, young man,

life is like a big prick.

When it's soft,

you can't beat it.

When it's hard,

you always get fucked.

[wind whistling]

This is the murder weapon.

Right, Sleuth.

Now, all I have to do is find out who put it in her.

Right, Sleuth.

Schultz, this is my first murder case. You've got to help me.

You know something, Sleuth?

You need help.

Listen, I already put my job on the line showing you the evidence.

The department finds out, I'll be out directing traffic.

All right, Schultz, all right.

Now, let's go over it again.

No fingerprints, right?

Right.

Everybody at the party has a perfect alibi, right?

Right.

Nobody had a motive to kill her, right?

- Wrong. - Everybody -- what?

Listen, Sleuth.

Everybody had a reason to kill her.

We just can't break down their stories, that's all.

What do you mean?

I mean, everybody corroborated their stories,

where they were and what they were doing at the time of the murder.

Everybody corroborated their stories?

All except for the butler, that is.

He was out of the room at the time.

That's it.

What's it?

The butler did it.

It's the butler.

Yes, simple, don't you see?

He just snuck in,

killed her, and left.

Case closed.

Forgetting one thing, Sleuth?

What's that?

The door was locked from the inside.

Oh, that does create a problem.

Okay.

Where do I start?

Here's the guest list.

Start with that.

Now remember, Sleuth,

any evidence you get

has to be turned over to the police department, understand?

Yes, yes.

A Mrs. Beatrice Broca.

Is that too hard, Mrs. Broca?

No, you can do it harder.

Harder.

Looking for someone?

They told me at the front desk

that I could find a Ms. Beatrice Broca here.

What did you want with her?

I want to talk to her about Scarlett.

[thunder rumbling]

I'm Ms. Broca.

- Who are you? - Sleuth.

Detective Dexter Sleuth.

I'd like to ask you a few questions about the murder.

Oh, God, no, I've answered too many questions.

You admit you have something to hide.

Something to hide?

I'm not hiding anything.

- Hortense, will you excuse us? - Ah, certainly.

Look, I don't know who hired you,

but I want to tell you one thing.

I loathe that girl, Scarlett.

As a matter of fact, I'm glad she's dead.

That's it? You're going to confess?

Confess what?

That on that tragic night,

you and you alone committed cold-blooded, premeditated murder.

Flaughs] I hate to disappoint you, Mr. Slosh.

- Sleuth. - Sleuth.

Look, would you mind?

- Oh, sure. - Thanks.

[sighs] As a matter of fact, I couldn't have committed the murder.

At the time, I was in deep conversation with Sam Smut

and, eventually, Brett Volley joined us.

Where were you when the body was discovered?

[chuckles] I was with the two of them, of course.

We were discussing our tennis game, love.

You know, different strokes,

the overhead smash versus the long lob,

or the tricky top spin versus the American twist.

Well, anyway, all of a sudden, we heard this loud scream.

[screaming]

Tell me, Ms. Broca,

why did you hate her so?

As a matter of fact, Mr. Detective,

it all started the first time I met her.

My husband and I were planning a bridge party

with my husband's partner, Charles,

and his wife took ill

and she couldn't make it,

and he got a substitute.

Just so happened it was Scarlett.

[serene music]

Scarlett, how charming you look.

I want you to meet my partner, Arnold,

and his wife, Beatrice.

Please.

Drink?

No, thank you.

Peanuts?

I don't think so.

[clears throat]

Don't you think it's time?

I think so.

Yes.

By all means.

Good.

Let's go in the other room.

[footsteps] [serene music]

[dramatic, uplifting music]

[moaning]

[Danting and groaning] [moaning]

I still don't understand why you hated her so.

I didn't mind Scarlett when we were playing foursomes,

but that little bitch had the gall to try and play two-handed poker with my husband.

She tried to take my Arnold away from me.

Are you sure you didn't kill her?

Of course not.

I wouldn't stoop that low.

Are there any more questions?

Yes, there are.

How could you be in a room where a murder was committed

without your seeing it or hearing it?

The lights were very low and the music was very loud.

Hmm, I see.

There's another thing, Ms. Broca.

[tense music] - Ms. Broca?

Ms. Broca? Ms. Broca?

[grunting]

[groaning]

[crashing]

[moaning]

C'est bon.

Oui, dest tres bon. Tres bon.

[creaking]

Sam Smut?

Sam Smut?

Yes, who is it?

Detective Sleuth. I have an appointment with you.

Oh, yes, sport. Over here.

- Oh. - Oh, I'm sorry.

-[whispering] - She's over here.

Sorry.

Sport, I'm a busy man, okay. What's on your mind?

[moaning]

Is this your latest movie?

Yes, no big deal.

Sweetheart, make a note to cut that last scene a little bit.

Wow, I never met a film producer before.

- You get to meet a lot of girls? -[chuckles]

Not now, Maggie. Yes.

- Oh, God. - Sometimes.

Hey, look, Sleuth, like I say, I'm a busy man.

Let's get to the point. - Oh, I'm sorry.

It's about Scarlett.

[thunder rumbling]

scarlett?

What do you want with me?

Just a few routine questions,

if you don't mind.

Yes, I do mind.

I'm a big producer in this town

and I don't have to answer questions from some two-bit private dick.

You admit you've got some answers?

Answers to what?

What were you doing at the time of the murder?

I don't remember, exactly.

- Try to remember. - Why should I?

- Because I think you -- - Killed her?

Impossible.

Gah, why don't you get your facts straight?

At the time of the murder,

I was having a very swinging conversation with a Mrs. Beatrice Broca.

I don't know how long we were chewing the fat,

but after a while, Brett Volley, the tennis champion guy,

came over and joined us.

It wasn't long after that we heard somebody scream.

[screaming]

You know, Sleuth, she had it coming to her.

What do you mean by that?

She was a cunt.

Sweetheart, make a note to cut that.

Tighten up that last out a little bit, okay?

- The time she worked for me in a movie. - Worked for you?

I thought she had money.

That was just recently.

I used her as an actress in one of my films.

You know, an extra.

Felt sorry for her, so I thought I'd give her a break. [chuckles]

She never had any real talent.

- Roll. [claps]

Okay.

Action.

Right, okay, baby, let's roll those tits. Yes.

Look like you're digging it.

Right, good. Look like you're enjoying it.

Yes, right.

Okay, now, let's see a little ass.

Little ass.

Then you want a hot, throbbing cock up there.

Right there.

[spits] - Good, yes.

Okay, roll over.

Back over. Move your hands slowly down in there

and start playing with yourself.

Right.

[grunting]

[moaning]

Okay.

Okay, Ronnie, zoom in for a close-up, yes.

Okay, baby, let's see those hot, wet lips.

Yes.

Okay, Jerry, you ready?

- Yes. - Come on in.

Quicker. Come on, will ya?

See him.

Look frightened.

Now, lines.

Who are you?

I'm the hotel plumber.

- Beautiful. - You want to fuck?

Beautiful, beautiful.

- What's my line? -"Yes."

You say, "Yes."

- Oh, yes, plunge it to me. -[moans] Yes.

What do I do next?

You take your clothes off and you play with her.

Do you believe this?

Get over there, Jerry.

Yes, right. Doris, help him.

Okay.

Oh, the time, oh, time.

Quicker, quicker.

Snap it up, snap it up, snap it up.

Get over the bed.

Sit down on the edge of the bed. Down here, down here, honey.

Get over here, Jer. Right. Now, give him some head.

Give him some head, yeah.

Now, around this way. I want to see your face.

Right. Beautiful.

Take your shoulder down a little.

Good. Tongue, face, good.

Jerry, look like you're enjoying it, for Christ's sake.

[moaning]

Okay.

All righty.

Okay, now pick her up.

Pick her up and lay her down on the bed.

That's it.

Quicker. Come on, will ya?

Which way?

On her back, bimbo.

Okay, let's see some tit action there, little tit action.

Good.

Look like you're enjoying it, baby. Feet toward the camera.

- See that mouth, see that tongue. [cries out]

Dig it, right.

Okay, a little finger action, little finger action, Jerry.

Take it easy. Nice, good.

Okay, Scarlett, come on in.

[moaning] - Good, sweetheart.

Dust off that furniture. Good.

Terrific. Now, see them.

Look surprised at what you're seeing.

Get excited at what you're seeing.

Good. Beautiful.

Hands on the tits. Oh, it's beautiful, fantastic.

On the ass, beautiful.

Lift up that skirt a little bit, see some of that cheek.

Beautiful, fantastic, great.

Okay, Jerry, see her.

Wave her over.

Fucking bimbo.

Okay, baby, take your dress off.

Come on, faster, faster. Time is money.

Jerry, take her, get her. Lay her down next to Doris.

That's it, that's it.

Now, spread both her legs apart.

Yes, good idea, good idea.

Okay, now.

Stick a finger in each one.

Easy, easy.

Good, good, good, good.

Beautiful.

Great, terrific, terrific.

Look, girls, will you look like you're enjoying it at least?

[moaning]

Move.

[groaning]

[groaning]

Jerry, eat out Scarlett for a while.

Eat her out, eat her out, eat her out.

Your mouth, right? Your tongue?

Good.

Get the leg.

You got that? You got that on camera?

Good. Beautiful, beautiful.

Keep diddling yourself, Doris, keep diddling yourself.

Good, good, good.

Okay, Scarlett, give him some head.

God, hey, give him some head, Scarlett.

[moaning]

Keep diddling yourself, Doris, keep diddling yourself.

Get in there, roll it around.

I want to hear that bed going. I want to hear that bed.

[moaning] - Okay.

Doris? Okay, Doris, join the blowjob.

[panting]

Hey, Scarlett. Oh, Jesus.

Scarlett, let Doris have a little of that, okay?

Gee, you selfish bitch.

You selfish bitch.

Jerry, let Doris swing on that, huh?

Dum-dum.

Lay it there, lay it there.

What the fuck's going on here?

Goddamn it, put these back on.

I want this as a fuck zone. What the hell's going on here?

- This is a war zone over here. - Holy shit, Jesus Christ.

Come on, you animal.

Cut it out, damn it.

[panting]

- Hey, okay, Scarlett. What the fuck? - Cut it, Ronnie.

[panting]

Okay, you can come apart now, you can stop it now, damn it.

I said stop it, goddamn it. Ronnie, get him apart.

[moaning]

Freaks.

What the fuck? Goddamn maniacs, you're ruining our show.

[moaning]

I'll see you never work again.

[moaning]

[Squeaking] [panting]

[moaning]

This will cool you both off.

[water splashing] [screaming]

[laughing]

Did she ever work for you again?

You got to go be kidding.

Not only was she a lousy actress,

but she had the fucking nerve to steal my investor away from me.

You see, right after the shoot, she went up to my investor

and made with the google eyes, you know what I mean?

They just took off together.

I don't quite understand.

I don't know what that little bitch said to him,

but the next morning, my investor called up

and told me that he was pulling out of the production.

You had good reason to murder her, didn't you?

Yes, I did,

but I didn't.

Why didn't you?

I don't know.

Then why did you go to that party?

I heard she came into all this loot,

so I figured she could be a potential investor,

you know what I mean?

Let bygones be bygones.

Will there be anything else, sport?

Just one last question.

Who was your investor?

[chuckling]

I can't tell you that.

Goodbye, Mr. Sleuth.

Ciao,

for now.

Get a hold of Senator Graft. Tell him it's urgent that we meet.

[street noise]

[knocking on door]

[singif19]

[tense music]

[singif19]

[knocking on door]

Oh, yes. She's expecting you, but she had to run out for a minute.

I'm Connie's roommate, Rhoda Bromey.

Pleased to meet you.

Can I take you coat?

No, that's all right.

That's strange.

She's back already.

This way.

Flash, it was rumored that a high political figure --

I can only hint that his background is in oil,

his initials are NR --

has been seen buying some wild paintings.

[sighs] Rubens, he calls it.

Trash, I call it.

Naughty BP.

Flash quiz.

What famous gay cowboy is known to have the fastest gums in the West?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Mr. Sleuth, is it?

Yes, ma'am. Sleuth, it is.

You're a private dick, are you?

What do you want and who do you hope to be?

I'm the one who asks the questions.

What's going on here, anyway?

I'm here to talk about Scarlett.

[thunder rumbling]

Scarlett?

- You admit you knew her? - Yes.

- For how long? - For a brief time.

- Why? - Why what?

Why did you kill her?

I did not kill her.

- Then who did? - Good question.

- Who did? - Yes, who did?

I don't know.

The night the murder was committed,

I was discussing my stock holdings with Arnold Broca.

Why my steel is going up four points and why my chemicals are going down,

trying to get an insight on the stock market.

Soon, we were joined by Ms. Starr and Senator Graft,

when all of a sudden...

[upbeat rock music]

[thunder rumbling] [screaming]

- It was you who found Scarletfs body. -[sobbing] I didn't mean to.

Oh, so it was you who killed her.

I mean, I didn't mean to find her body.

There, there, pumpkin. Sit down.

Oh: my'

Excuse me.

Flash,

it was rumored today

that a very fashionable lady from high society

was seen picking her nose at SchrafFs lunch counter.

Now, where were we?

Why did you go to that party?

I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

It was a chance to get some dirt on that hussy.

Does that mean you didn't like her?

On the contrary, Sleuth,

I despised her.

I thought she was a friend of mine.

I would have given her the clothes off my back, like a sister.

Until that day I walked in unexpectedly.

Now, Connie, it's not what you're thinking.

What am I thinking, Scarlett?

That I was making love to Rhoda,

but I wasn't.

Was I, Rhoda?

No, I was making love to her.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Get out of my house, you cunt.

[door slams]

[sobbing]

How could you?

How could you?

How could you?

[sobbing] - How could you?

[sobbing]

I'm sorry.

Please.

I'm sorry, baby.

Are you all right? I'm sorry.

[sobbing]

[crying]

[whispers] I'm sorry.

[sniffling]

It's okay.

[sighiflg]

[melancholy music]

[panting]

[moaning]

Is that what happened?

Yes, Mr. Sleuth.

I know I had a motive,

but I did not go to that farewell party to kill her.

That farewell party? Who was it for?

I really don't know. I assume it was for her.

Where was she going?

Who knows?

Okay.

Okay.

I've got to go,

but let me warn you,

you're both under strong suspicion.

I advise you not to leave town.

Understand?

Flash,

Mary Tucker

from the famous rock group, Tucker, Fucker & Sucker,

is reported to be making it on her own.

Go get her, Mary.

Let me remind my friends here, of the financial community,

that I stand on the word, "No,"

for crime in the streets,

in the home, and in government.

I stand on the word, "Yes,"

for power to the businessman.

[applause]

Ladies and gentlemen,

before I leave,

I want to leave you with one thought.

Handed on down to me

by my great granddaddy,

who used to say to me, "Gilbert,

this country is like an enormous cookie jar.

For the man who grabs last gets the crumbs,

but the man who grabs first gets the golden cookie."

I say to you now, my friends,

grab with Graft.

[triumphant music] [applause]

Great speech, Gilbert. Don't forget the oil interest.

Love the way you knocked those hippy fags, Senator.

Don't forget to keep the milk prices down.

You're right, Senator.

We've got to get those guns off the streets.

Don't forget to vote no on those anti-pollution dubs.

I'll grab with you anytime, Senator.

Why, thank you.

Get her number, will you?

- Senator, Dexter Sleuth here. - Thank you.

Senator, can I talk to you?

Not now. Get rid of him.

Senator, I like a man with guts.

- You have my vote. - Thanks, W.J.

Senator, I must talk to you. It's most important.

It concerns Scarlett.

[thunder rumbling]

I had nothing to do with her. You hear me?

Nothing. I had nothing to do with her.

Who are you, anyway?

Thanks, Bill.

A private eye hired to find her killer.

What? You're wasting your time here. Do I look like a killer?

Everybody's a killer in my book until proven otherwise.

Now, what about that party?

There's nothing to tell.

I went over and I saw Miss Rotarumi.

She got mad and we had a discussion, and she left.

I came over here

and I talked to Miss Starr, and Miss Colness, and that Broca fellow.

We were bouncing on everything from politics to banking.

When all of a sudden...

[dramatic music] [screaming]

There you have it.

Thanks, Senator.

- Don't forget the housing bill. - Capisce.

One thing I don't quite understand, Senator.

How would a man in your position meet a girl like Scarlett?

- I met her through a friend of mine. - You mean Sam Smut?

I don't know any Sam Smut.

Oh, yes, you do, because you are his investor.

You took Scarlett out one night, right?

All right. What's the big deal?

We went out one night. ls that a crime?

Nothing happened.

We went over to my place for a lovely candlelight dinner,

just the two of us.

[panting]

One thing I don't quite comprehend.

How did you pull out of Smut's productions?

Oh, about that?

Let me tell you.

After dinner, we were sitting there quietly, relaxing.

Oh, darling.

This is wonderful.

Tell me something.

Yes, dear.

Anything-

What would your voters think if they knew you were backing porn films?

They won't find out.

I know one way they'll never find out,

but it'd cost you five grand to shut me up.

What did you do?

I paid, of course.

You know it doesn't look good for a politician

to be seen running around with show people.

Senator, of course, you realize

that being a public figure,

a man in your position could easily get a pardon for murder?

- Which murder? - Are you admitting another murder?

I'm not admitting to any murder. I'm a man of high morals and principles.

Nice seeing you again, John.

Just one last question, Senator.

How would a girl like Scarlett become so rich as to buy a house?

I have no idea. Certainly not from the money I gave her.

Thank you, Senator, for your time.

Oh, Mr. Sleuth.

[applause] [cheefing]

Excuse me.

Where can I find Celeste Starr?

What are you, some kind of a crazy fan, or what?

I'd like to talk to her. I'm a private detective.

[laughs] Private detective?

Wait, I'll go and see if she'll talk to you.

[blows raspberry]

Wait over here.

[suspenseful music]

Mr. private detective, I can't find Miss Starr no place.

Why don't you go in her dressing room and wait for her?

Oh, thanks.

[loud thud]

[explosion booming]

One and a two and a three.

Go. Come on, Charlie.

What are you doing in my dressing room?

I'm sorry, I was just waiting for you. I'm Dexter Sleuth.

- And what is a Dexter Sleuth?

I'm a private detective.

I was hired to find the scoundrel who killed Scarlett.

[thunder rumbling]

Oh, fabulous.

I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Sleuth, but the murderer isn't in here.

Now, will you excuse me, please?

Why, of course.

Would you do me a favor first?

Depends.

Could I have your autograph? I'm a great fan of yours.

[giggles] Of course you are, Mr. Sleuth.

Who isn't

Scarlett isn't, she's dead.

What do you mean by that?

- I mean, I think you're hiding something. - Like what?

Like what was your relationship to Scarlett?

None of your business.

Maybe you would prefer talking to the police again?

Is that a threat, Mr. Sleuth?

You could call it that.

Now, what about Scarlett?

Oh, that dirty dilettante.

She was employed by me at one time.

Unfortunately, I had to dismiss her.

Complete incompetence.

You understand, Mr. Sleuth?

Tell me, Miss Starr.

What did she do for you?

She arranged my private rehearsals.

I must work very hard at my craft.

It's not easy being a star.

Mr. Sleuth, you must understand something.

Acting is my entire life.

I must always play a role.

Anyway, that little tramp

tried to pass herself off as a professional.

She was to get the actors,

arrange for the props, and follow the script.

It was herjob to help me, not destroy me.

[gong sound]

Sieg heil.

Sieg heil.

At ease, gentlemen.

It has come to my attention

that you have been disloyal to the FUhrer.

But captain --

Shut up, you schweinhunds.

You, Heinz, and you, Rudolph --

Why is your nose so red?

You are both a discredit to the master race.

Now, what do you have to say for yourselves?

But captain, I am [indistinct].

- Shut up. - Ow.

I will tell you what you have to say,

and you have to say, "l'm guilty."

Now, say it.

I am guilty. Ow.

- Say it. - I am guilty.

- Yes. - Ow.

Now, the only complication we have

is, we have to decide just what it is that you are guilty of.

But captain --

- Shut up. - Ow.

Scarlett, what's the next line?

- Guilty of -- - Shut up, I've got it.

You are guilty of an atrocity to the Fijhrer.

Tell me, Heinz,

did you enjoy wiping your ass with the Fiihrer's proclamations?

Well, captain, I --

- Shut up. - Ow.

And you, Rudolph,

why is your nose so red?

It has come to my attention

that you were heard

whistling wolf whistles at the FUhrer's fréulein in the forest.

No, lwouldn't --

- Shut up. - Ow.

Of course, that is not enough for the likes of you.

No, it has been reported

that you were overheard singing a dirty ditty in the dark.

Well, I would like to hear that dirty ditty now.

[humming]

Eins, zwei, drei. FUhrer.

And when the FUhrer says, "We ist der master race,"

we [blows a raspberry]

Right in the FUhrer's face.

[laughing]

Not very amusing, gentlemen.

The FiJhrer is furious and so am I.

You must be willing to give him instant appeasement.

You must be willing to demonstrate your loyalty to Mother Germany.

You must be willing to give everything for the mother country.

I think, gentlemen, that we shall begin at once.

Hit it, Scarlett.

[festive music]

All right, you schweinhunds, scram. On your knees.

And don't you dare look at me in the eyes.

Now, these boots are dirty.

They need to be cleaned.

Gentlemen, clean my boots.

Yes, that's it.

No, I want them licked.

The soles, Heinz?

Rudolph, I want those soles spotless.

That's it.

The FUhrer is very impressed with clean, neat boots.

You may now eat me.

That's it, Heinz, keep cleaning.

The soles, Heinz, the soles.

Very good, Rudolph. You are improving.

Now, you may kiss my breast,

but be careful.

Heinz, take the swastikas off before you kiss them,

you stupid Kraut.

You, Rudolph, swing me around.

I'm uncomfortable.

[festive music]

You may remove the G-string.

You clumsy [indistinct], switch places.

Oh, Rudolph, you are hopeless.

All right, Heinz, now let us see what you do for Germany.

See, he's better than you are.

Oh, yes.

Yes, the FUhrer will be happy.

Now, gentlemen, remove my boots.

Remove them.

Suck my toes.

Oh, that's it.

[groaning]

Very good, gentlemen.

It's about time I found something that you can do properly.

Yes, I want to sit and watch you suck my toes.

Yes, come up further. I want you to kiss all along my leg.

Gently, you fiendish monster.

You're going to bite me.

All right.

One of you is going to get to come inside of me now.

Which one do you think?

You? You are the lucky boy today?

[festive music]

Don't just stand there. Do something, you fool.

Harder.

Harder, Heinz.

That's it.

Oh, the father will be happy.

You may kiss my breasts.

[festive music]

That's it. Oh.

All right, Heinz.

Now, give me that good German swerve.

Long live the FUhrer.

[festive music]

Next.

You're finished, dear.

Rudolph, let us see what you can do for the Fatherland.

[festive music]

Oh, that is very good, Rudolph.

Better than this one, God knows.

That's it. Fuck me for Germany.

[festive music]

No.

No, I want you to come and make it better than him.

[festive music]

Long live Germany.

[festive music]

Oh, I do love acting, Mr. Sleuth.

Didn't you say earlier that she was destroying you?

She had the audacity to approach me

with some photographs that were taken at one of my rehearsals.

She told me she was going to take them to Connie Columnist, unless I paid her.

Not that there was anything wrong with the photographs,

you understand, it's just that,

well, they weren't the most flattering still.

I must protect my image, you understand.

That's why you killed her, so you wouldn't have to pay.

Oh, but Mr. Sleuth, I did pay. I paid and paid.

That still doesn't prove anything.

Exactly what were you doing at the time of the incident?

I don't know.

Mr. Sleuth,

I don't know when Scarlett was murdered,

but I do know what I was doing when the body was found.

Mr. Broca, Mr. Graft, Connie Columnist and I

were engaged in a discussion on the state of the theater.

We were discussing

all those nostalgic revivals and disastrous plots.

I hope that explanation satisfies you, Mr. Sleuth.

Yes, it does. For the moment.

Still, one thing puzzles me, Miss Starr.

Yes?

Are you for real, or are you playing a role now?

[high-pitched noise]

You can't squirm out of this one, Mr. Broca.

I just happen to know that you killed her.

All right, let's go over your story again.

Now, you maintain that you didn't kill her.

How can you prove it?

Easy.

Just ask Miss Celeste Starr, Connie Columnist, or Senator Graft.

They'll verify where I was when the murder happened.

I want to hear it from you.

- Where were you? - I was with them, Mr. Sleuth.

What were you doing with them?

We were conversing.

Why? What did you think?

We're having a relevant conversation,

just BSing around,

when all of a sudden...

[dramatic music]

[screaming]

That's a likely story if I ever heard one.

Take it or leave it.

Now, you can go ask the others.

I will, Mr. Broca.

I Will.

Now,

explain to me your relationship with Scarlett.

I know she worked for you one time, but why did you hate her so?

I took that woman into my business in confidence.

I taught her everything.

She then, in turn,

tried to use that knowledge for her own benefit.

Exactly what did she do for you?

Generally, she took shorthand dictation, things like that, for my partner and l.

I remember one particular day at lunch.

- I don't think we should touch it.

His investments are sound.

In fact, I think the old man wants to invest in some tax-free bonds.

What do you recommend?

He has a choice between either the city bonds,

or a few of the utility bonds.

I think we should go with the utility bonds.

The only other problem is that Fleishing wants to unload his securities.

What do you think?

That puts us in a little problem, since the securities are a little tainted.

We should've never touched those hot securities.

We made a lot of money though, didn't we?

Hey, listen.

Why don't we just talk Evans into the securities,

instead of the bonds deal?

That way, we won't have to cough up any of our own money.

Oh, good idea.

[panting]

Arnold, is it your heart?

No, no.

Oh, I think the board's going to hit a thousand!

[moaning]

What happened after lunch?

[phone ringing]

Yes?

Oh.

Tell him I'm tied up.

Why don't you see if you can take care of him?

The boss said I should take care of you.

She wanted a raise?

Yes, and she wanted more money.

Listen, Sleuth, I had to give in to it.

All the information she had would've thrilled my competitors.

How long was she with you?

Not long after that.

She walked in one day and announced she was quitting.

Next thing I heard, she had moved into some big house.

I see.

Mr. Broca,

I want you

to read this paper over very carefully and then sign it.

What is it?

It's your confession to the murder.

The murder?

You must be out of your mind.

Look, I'm leaving. I have had enough insults for one day.

Have it your way, but let me warn you --

Oh, hi, Schultz.

Where's Sylvia?

I think she went out for coffee.

Damn it. I've got to run.

Is there anything important you want to talk to me about?

No, it can wait.

Oh, good.

I think it's about time I visited the scene of the crime.

My God, I thought he'd never leave.

Move it.

Are you certain this is the way she was found?

Absolutely.

Ma)' l get up now?

Yes,

but don't forget the position you're in.

That is?

That you are a suspect in the murder of Scarlett.

I said, Scarlett.

[thunder rumbling]

That's quite impossible, Mr. Sleuth.

During the party, I was locked out of the room.

Scarlett always dismissed disturbance

during her more intimate parties.

What were you doing during that intimate party?

I was in the pantry, sir,

having a hot toddy and enjoying my favorite novel.

[screaming]

What's wrong?

Scarlett is dead.

[thunder rumbling]

Mr. Basil Butler, in my entire career,

I have never heard a story more ridiculous than that.

Basil. Oh, excuse me. I didn't know I had a visitor.

Oh, I'm sorry, Ms. Strout.

This man is here on business with me.

Ms. Strout, Mr. Sleuth.

When you get a chance, I'd like you to run an errand for me.

It's all right, ma'am. I'm about to leave, anyway.

She's the new owner of the house.

She was very kind to keep me on.

Well, good day.

Oh, yes,

one last question.

How long were you in love with Scarlett,

what made you jealous of her, and why did you kill her?

- Admit it, right? - Wrong.

Right.

[dramatic music]

Hey, thanks.

- The name is Sleuth, Dexter Sleuth. - Sure.

You're Bret Volley.

One and only. Thanks for the ball.

Hey, Volley, I want to talk to you.

What about?

Just a small matter concerning Scarlett.

[thunder rumbling]

Scarlett

Scarlett

I'll be right back.

[ominous music]

Who are you?

I'm a private detective.

I want to know just one thing from you, Volley,

why did you kill her?

What makes you think that?

The process of elimination.

I've interrogated everybody else who was at that party

and you're the last one,

so you had to kill her.

How can you accuse me?

I loved her more than --

well, than myself.

Oh, that's good enough reason in my book.

Sleuth, is it?

- You got it, buster. - I think you got it all wrong.

I loved her.

I would never harm a hair on her beautiful body.

She was so lovable, and sweet, and kind.

I don't know if anybody that would ever want to hurt her.

Since her death, I've been lost,

floating from court to court,

trying to recapture those magic moments.

Our love was like beautiful music,

well orchestrated and arranged,

as if created by the gods themselves.

[dramatic music]

Well, you certainly loved her.

Yes, I did.

I miss her, Mr. Sleuth.

I'm going to tell you something that nobody knows.

Wait a minute.

The name of the murderer is?

I don't know who it is,

but I was going to say

that farewell party was for us.

Scarlett and I were leaving everything behind us.

We were going to be married the next day.

Married and leaving everything behind you?

What about her house?

That too.

She said she could never live in it again.

Why?

I don't know why. She didn't tell me.

All she said was that once we were married,

she could never return to it.

Thanks for the information, I guess.

Is there a phone around here?

Yes. Over there.

See you in court.

In court?

The tennis court.

[suspenseful music]

Sylvia, it's me.

AW messages?

Okay, got it. Just plan to work late tonight.

The tennis court. [suspenseful music]

I have thoroughly examined all the evidence

and this concludes my report,

respectfully submitted,

Dexter Sleuth.

I don't think Olga Rich is going to be happy with this report.

You're telling me.

She wants Scarlet's murderer and ljust can't deliver.

I think I'm all washed up, Sylvia.

Oh, come on, boss. You can't win 'em all.

Why not?

Why not just one?

There must be some clue, something that I overlooked.

Well, if it makes you happy, let's go over the information once more.

Beatrice's motive was

that Scarlett was taking away her husband, Arnold,

but her alibi at the party was

that she was with Bret Volley and Sam Smut.

Sam Smut would've liked to see her dead so he could get even with her,

because of the investor Gilbert Graft.

Senator Graft had every reason to bump her off,

because she was jeopardizing his political career.

Of course, Celeste Starr had every reason to harm her,

because she was threatening

to take those pictures to Connie Columnist.

Now, Connie Columnist and Rhoda Roomie, well, that was a freaky triangle.

Both of them could've easily knocked her off.

Of course, there's always the Butler.

Oh, I almost forgot Bret Volley. He was madly in love with her.

Love can do strange things.

What did you say?

- Beatrice's motive was that -- - No, no, no, no,

the last line.

You mean, love can do strange things?

I've got it.

Got what?

The murderer.

The murderer?

For Christ's sake, who?

Sylvia,

call Olga Rich and the suspects,

and have them meet me at Scarlet's house, twelve o'clock midnight, sharp.

[clock cuckooing]

[clears throat]

I'll bet you're all wondering why I called this meeting tonight.

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

we're going to solve the murder of Scarlett.

[thunder rumbling]

You mean you know who the murderer is?

One thing at a time, Miss Rich.

I know who the murderer is.

One of you in this room is the murderer.

I bet you'd all like to know who.

I'm going to tell you who.

The name of the murderer is --

No, I'm not going to tell you.

Now, first, a drink.

Thanks.

Everybody in this room except one person

had an opportunity to kill Scarlett.

That one person is none other than --

Isn't that right, Miss Rich?

Yes, I admit.

I was the only one

who didn't have an opportunity to kill her.

You see?

I was right.

That eliminates Miss Rich,

so somebody else in this room is the murderer.

Let's review your motives, shall we?

Beatrice Broca,

jealousy

Nightmares of losing your beloved Arnold.

Sam Smut,

revenge.

Vicious vengeance on a lovely lady.

Connie Columnist,

scandaL

the cold sweats from a bizarre love triangle

threatening to smack your face with your own dirt.

Rhoda Roomie,

just plain lazy,

a spineless jellyfish afraid of losing your meal ticket.

Gilbert Graft,

blackmail and corruption,

thwarting your lust for political power and the presidency.

Celeste Starr,

vanity,

ruthless ambition for your shoddy career.

Arnold Broca,

fear and greed,

bearish news

pending to ruin your lusty Wall Street empire.

Every one of you had a motive except one person.

That person is none other than --

You'll never take me alive.

[gasps]

The butler?

Yes. Of course. Of course, he did.

Didn't you?

I most certainly did.

But why?

I'd tell you why, but let's hear it from Basil.

All right.

I'll tell you.

She was going to leave me.

My pretty little honeybush was going to leave me.

Just before the party,

she called me in for a conference.

[panting]

I've got some bad news for you, Basil.

I'm leaving you in the morning.

This is going to be our last fling.

Leave him?

I don't understand.

You wouldn't.

It was simple.

Go on, Basil.

You see,

I own this house

and Scarlett worked for me.

Oh.

She was hired to be my mistress.

What did I tell you?

You own the house?

I still don't see how he committed the murder.

It was elementary.

Right, Basil?

Assuredly.

It was simple.

I have a key to the door.

During the height of the party,

while all you perverts were having a good time on my money...

[groaning]

Afte rwa rd,

I went out and locked the door behind me,

and waited until I heard the screams.

[screaming]

But why?

Why did you do it?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I didn't want to do it.

I didn't want to do it.

[chants] He didn't want to do it.

He didn't want to do it.

-[sings] She made me kill her. - That's enough.

There, there, Basil.

The gun.

Very clever of me, wasn't it?

Solving the dildo murder mystery.

Anybody want to congratulate me?

Anybody want to know

how I deduced who slew Scarlett?

[laughing]

Oh, yes.

[laughing]

Dexter, you're so cute.

What's that? Ow, ow, ow.

- Stop. [groaning]

Stop. What are you do -- [laughs]

Oh, no, not my good green suit.

No, that's my good suit.

Oh. [laughing]

Dexter, you super smooth [indistinct].

Oh. Oh, yes.

That's not my arm.

[laughing] - Dexter, you're not going to put

that great big thing in me. - You want to bet?

Oh, no, you can't.

- Here comes [indistinct]. - Oh my God, he did.

Oh.

Oh, that's it, Dexter.

[festive music]

Oh, hey, buddy, come on. I don't sway that -- no, buddy --

[festive music]