All language subtitles for All in the Family - S02E04 - Edith Writes a Song

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ gee, our old
lasalle ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪♪

Okay, what do ya got, Gloria?

A pair of kings.

Small straight to the
seven. What do ya got, ma?

Well, it's not very good.

It was real good
when I started out.

See, nine, nine, nine.

But the two you gave me
spoiled it all... two queens.

It's a full house. You
won the game. You won.

Really? Oh, my. Oh.

I better look at the stew. Your
father will be here any minute.

We each owe a dime to the pot.
Okay, that's 10... 20 cents more.

Ma, we got it! That's makes a
total of $30 in the family pot.

- That means you can do it.
- Do? Do what?

Don't you remember that mom
wrote a song a couple months ago?

- A song?
- You remember.

♪ Everyone is someone
if you love them ♪♪

Yeah, I remember.

Why don't you read him that letter you
got from the wish upon a star song company.

Oh, yeah, here it is.

"Dear Mrs. Bunker...

"Your poem, or as
we say in the business,

"your lyric...

"Has been accepted by
our panel of experts.

"As soon as we receive your
check for $30 handling fee,

"your poem will
be set to music...

"By one of the many top
composers on our staff...

And on its way to
super stardom."

- Isn't it terrific?
- Edith!

Gloria, get the stew on.

Oh, hello, Archie.

How are you? Hello. Hello.

How was your day?

It was a laugh riot.

One jolly moment
after the other.

That's why you see me standing
here like the bluebird of happiness.

What's the matter, arch?
I've never seen you so upset.

Oh, you never read
the papers, huh?

Don't you know what's goin' on?

In here it says 19 robberies
reported in queens district.

Two of them right around here.

Yesterday Ryan's gas station
a couple of blocks away.

And today I'm passing
old lady crimski's

bakery on the way to
the subway this morning.

What do you think I saw?
What they didn't do to her.

First of all they robbed 180
bucks right out of her stocking.

Then just for spite,
they ruin the joint.

Cheesecake splashed
all over the walls.

Bagels rolling
out to the sidewalk.

I'm telling you, we're livin' in a
jungle, that's what... a jungle.

- But you know what I got?
- Malaria.

Funny, funny, funny.

The whole world is fallin' apart
and the meathead here is makin' jokes.

Well, I'm takin' some action beginning
with this little surprise right here.

You got a surprise, Archie?
We got a surprise too.

Save it, will ya.

Why don't you tell us
your surprise first?

I think I will, Edith.

See this here? It looks like a
regular little tape recorder, don't it?

- But you know what that is?
- A save your home alarm system.

How'd you know that?

It says it right there on the
label... save your home alarm system.

Well, labels don't tell you
nothin'. I'll tell you what this is.

This is a save your
home alarm system.

Now, you hook this up all over.

And if any burglar tries to
get in any door or a window,

wait till you hear what happens.

What are you laughin' at?
This is a serious thing here.

Huh? Ah, what do
you think of that?

Sounds like a
sweet old dog to me.

What are you
talkin' about, Edith?

This thing is proved.

This thing gives you all the
protection of a real killer dog.

Now, come on. Let's eat, huh?

Well, dinner's ready.
Come on, everybody.

Archie, how much did
you pay for that thing?

Five dollars down to begin, and
$5 a week to a total of 40 bucks.

It's the cheapest home
insurance anywheres around.

Forty bucks? Gee, it sounds
like law and order's big business.

Pass the salt, please?

Daddy, can mom tell you
about her surprise now?

Certainly. It's a
free country, ain't it?

Oh, I don't...

Go on. Tell him, ma.

Well, Archie,

Gloria and me saw this
ad in a movie magazine.

It said, "wanted, your poems.

Top composers
will set to music."

So I wrote a poem and we
sent it in. And guess what.

They loved it. Pass the salt.

He wasn't a bit surprised.

Why should I be surprised, Edith? I
always knew you was a great "poetress,"

ever since that time I was sick
and you sent me the get-well card.

I'll never forget it. "Get
well quickly. Oh, please do.

'Cause I'm cryin', boo-hoo-hoo."

So why should I be surprised
that them crooks loved your poem?

Don't call 'em crooks, daddy. They loved
mom's poem and they wanna set it to music.

Oh, sure. How much they
wanna hit you up for, Edith?

Only $30 for handling fees.

Oh, please, Edith, don't
you see? This thing is a con.

These guys open an
office in a different state

every month to keep one
jump ahead of the cops.

Some of them go
around in mobile homes.

Besides, where you gonna
get the 30 bucks to begin with?

The family pot. As of
today, there's $30 in it.

Oh, the family pot. Listen,
the answer to that is no.

Now that's for special
occasions, for emergencies.

I ain't gonna let no shyster music
company get their hand into my pot.

Our pot, daddy. Same
thing, same thing.

Archie. Archie, wait a second.

Can I talk to you? Man to man.

I once had a date with
this girl named Arlene.

Yeah? I once shared an ice
cream with a midget. So what?

Archie, I'm serious.

This girl Arlene had me over for
dinner and she cooked me this leg of lamb.

Now, I can't stand
leg of lamb, but it was

important to this girl
that I like her cooking.

So I forced it down. It was a
small thing, but it made her happy.

You see what I'm trying to say?

You want me to tell Edith not
to serve leg of lamb. That ain't it?

No! Well, what
the hell is it then?

Archie, there are
times in your life when

you shouldn't rain on
someone else's parade.

Geez, you sound like a
regular Billy sol Graham there.

Archie...

The money from the
family pot should be used...

Cut it. Don't try
to soft-soap me.

Now, you ain't talkin' me into
lettin' them blow the family pot...

For no phony music
company. Archie.

Just a minute. Come here. I
wanna show you something.

What is it? I didn't say nothin'
about this when the women was here.

I didn't want them getting
excited about anything.

Now take a look at this.

A gun! Shh! Shut up!
Will you keep quiet.

I don't want them to hear!

This ain't just a
gun. This is a luger.

World war ii. That's a
terrific German weapon.

Willie mears is gonna
sell me this for 20 bucks.

Between this and the
dog we'll be protected.

You're gonna buy a gun? Shh!

Archie, I can understand that
dumb taped dog. It can't hurt anybody.

But a gun! Will
you dummy up, huh!

I don't want them to
get all upset in there. Ma!

What are you doin'? What are
you doin'? Gloria, come in here.

What is it?

Go on back out to
the kitchen. It's nothin'.

Archie wants to
buy a gun. What a fink!

That's right. That's right.

A gun? Oh, my
goodness! A gun? Where?

Right over here. Get
out of my pocket there!

That's the reason he doesn't wanna give
you the money. He wants it to buy a gun.

- Archie!
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What is wrong with that?

I am interested in the protection
of my home... the defense of my family.

Oh! Oh, that's terrific. Yeah.

You're gonna buy a taped dog
and a gun. That's $60 for defense...

- Against only $30 for the song.
- Right.

Archie, when it's a question of the
destructive man versus the creative man,

the creative man
always gets the shaft.

The shaft? Is that
anything like the Oscar?

Daddy, are you really
gonna buy a gun?

I'm doin' it for youse.

Wait a minute, everybody. Quiet down
'cause I'm gonna tell you something.

The discussion is over.

No! Not according to the
rules of the family pot.

The use of the family pot shall
be determined in a Democratic way...

By a majority vote of the members
of this family and assigned by all of us.

I don't care what that
says. I'm gonna buy that gun.

When it comes to defense,
democracy's gonna have to wait.

You're impossible, daddy.

But you signed the rules too,
and they say we should vote.

All right, go ahead then
and vote away your property.

Vote away your homes, your
valuables, perhaps your very lives.

All those in favor of using the money
from the family pot for the song, say aye.

Aye. All those opposed, say nay.

- I ain't gonna vote.
- Then the ayes have it.

The money goes for the song. That's
right. And you gotta give back the gun.

Come on, now. Come
on. Get away from me!

It makes me so happy. Get
away from me, all of youse.

Come on, daddy. You won't regret
it when the song becomes a big hit.

Oh, yeah, sure. Let
me tell you somethin'.

When the first burglar
breaks into this house...

And youse all turn to me and holler, "do
something!" You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna turn right around
back and say, "sing, Edith."

Here, doggy.

Here, doggy.

Where you at,
doggy? Here, poochy.

Here, little pooch.
Come on to papa, doggy.

Here, little pooch.

Here he is, Horace.

Bye-bye, doggy.

Another electric dog, man.

Somebody must be makin'
a whole lot of money

off these white folks
with these things.

Be funny if the cat was black.

The fuzz is still buzzing, man.

We're gonna have to hang
out here for a little while.

Whoo! Would you
look at this dump?

Yeah, man, how can
they live like this?

The paint's peelin', the
furniture's fallin' all apart,

but they all got that fancy color
TV sittin' right in the middle of it.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Well, man, you know they've
got to have somethin'...

To keep their mind
off of their misery.

You know, everybody
can't be as affluent as we is.

What's the matter?

Ain't that somethin'? What?

Take a sniff.

Yeah?

White people's homes
all got that funny smell.

You wasn't expectin'
no call, was you?

No, man. I didn't even
know I had a phone.

Lookit here. You check out the kitchen
and I'll check out the phone, all right?

Hello? Who? Mr. Bunker?

Oh, I'm sorry. Mr. Bunker's
indisposed at the moment.

Oh, this is the
family physician.

Dr. Black.

Oh, nothing serious.
He'll be just fine.

Uh-huh. What was that? Oh.

Mrs. Bunker, did you hear that?

Your neighbor Mr. Mcnab just called
and said that two fellas just robbed...

What was that, Mr. Mcnab?

Oh. Two jigaboos...

Just robbed Morgan's
jewelry store...

And they're hiding somewhere
in the neighborhood.

Yes, I'll tell him. Good-bye.

Hey, what you got there,
man? Electric appliances.

Man, what these white folks
won't waste their money on.

Let's go out the back door.

No, no, cops. Up
the stairs. Come on.

Hold it, Edith.
Don't open the door.

Why not? First I gotta
turn off the dog alarm.

Oh. Go ahead.

I wanna tell you something. That was one of
the funniest moving pictures I ever seen.

I can't believe it. He finally
liked a movie we recommended.

Well, certainly I liked it.

It wasn't one of them
nowaday ones with everybody

jumpin' into bed three
and four at a clip.

This wasn't a dirty picture.
It was a funny picture.

Buster Keaton, one of the
funniest guys ever. I nearly...

You remember when he
took the brass spittoon,

he put it down over
that guy's head?

Now that's funny enough, but
when he reaches for that ball bat...

And goes bongo, bongo, bongo,
I thought I wet my drawers.

You Mr. Bunker? Bunker, yeah.

Well, your neighbor
Mr. Mcnab... Mcnab?

Yeah. Mcnab called to tell you
that two jigaboos just robbed...

Morgan's jewelry store and
they hidin' in the neighborhood.

Hi. How are ya?

And in the house
that they's hidin' in...

They just picked up
a few odds and ends...

Just to keep from
being shiftless.

- You got any questions?
- No, I got no questions.

I got a question. Will
you stifle yourself!

I was wondering what happened
to my husband's killer dog.

Oh, the dog.

You know, I'm afraid we
had to put the dog to sleep.

You ain't mad at us?

No, no, no. Look out
with that gun there.

Man, I wouldn't shoot
you with your own gun.

Daddy, you promised you
wouldn't buy that gun.

You said you were
gonna give it back.

I didn't have no chance
to give it back to Willie.

Anyway, I hope youse all understand now
the meaning of havin' a gun in the house.

I understand.

If the gun wasn't here,
they wouldn't have it.

Now... now that makes sense.
Yeah, you're a smart lady.

Look, fellas, a man-to-man
talk here. Could we make a deal?

I mean, like you guys take
your stolen property...

And you just go and we
don't give you no trouble.

Oh, ain't that nice?

Now, he wouldn't want
us to go out there...

'Cause he knows the whole neighborhood
is crawlin' with the cops, would he?

No.

No.

No.

Oh, man, you know what?
She's something else.

You're telling me.

Well, now, y'all take it easy.

Until the cops quit their crawlin',
we gonna be y'all's houseguests.

So the best thing for all
of us to do is just relax...

And make the best of it.

Great. My name is Mike stivic and this is
my wife Gloria and these are my in-laws...

What are you doin'?

This ain't no church
social. Sit down there.

We gonna make you
the monitor. Yeah, okay.

These guys don't wanna socialize with us
any more than we wanna socialize with them.

What'd you say?

I mean, it's a well-known fact
that youse colored guys...

Would just as soon stick around
with your own kind up there in Harlem.

Is that so? That's
what I always heard.

Oh, Horace.

Look what we done found here.

Uh-huh. A genuine,

100% dyed in the wool bigot.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

Yes. Come on. Say something
bigoted, baby. Wait a minute.

Now, that's wrong.
I ain't no bigot.

I'm the first guy to say it ain't
your fault that youse are colored.

That's number one!
That's number one!

Hold it, hold it. Come on, guys.

You see, he doesn't understand. He
associates the crime and the stealing...

With the fact that you guys are black
and not with the underlying social causes.

Oh.

Then you must be a liberal.

Well, man, we done found
us a genuine liberal...

And an honest-to-god bigot.

Now you can't beat that.

Come on, guys. Hold it.

You're putting me on
now. All I meant was that...

He doesn't understand what
living in the ghetto can do to a man.

And you do?

Well, I'm studying it
in my sociology class.

He's studying it in
his sociology class.

I got to talk to you.
Sit right down here.

I got my professorship
in sociology, you know.

You know, where I live all eight
of us slept in one room together.

Eight? There was
11 of us in one bed.

You had a bed?

- My father...
- You had a father?

We ain't never had
no father, did we?

Yeah. No. I mean...

Well, man, look it here.

I'm gonna tell you, you should have
called us and borrowed one of ours.

We did, but he's dead.

See, he's runnin' for a bus and a
cop fired a warning shot in his head.

Well, you think that's bad?

We had a sister that got
bitten by a rat. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, a baby rat about that big.

Well, we didn't have
no rats. No rats?

No, the roaches ate 'em all up.

Well, man, we didn't have
no roaches. How come?

We didn't have no food.

Well, that ain't nothin'.

Now, we didn't have no
heat, no runnin' water,

no gas and no electricity.

- Well, what you do?
- Well, we just stood
around saying,

"where is everything?"

I don't know how
you can laugh...

Through all that misery.

Practice, lady. Practice.

Well, why don't we
all eat something?

I could make some sandwiches.
That sounds like a good idea.

Good idea, mom. Gwendolyn,
I would like a spot of tea.

We have another teapot
in the kitchen. What's this?

Cash! You can't have it!

I beg your pardon?

Who's the crook here?

That money is going to the wish
upon a star song company tomorrow.

You see, I wrote a poem and
they're gonna make it into a song.

Everyone is someone...

Edith, don't sing that song.

- Oh, you don't wanna
hear the song?
- No.

In that case, we
gonna hear the song.

Come on and sing.
Oh. Oh, no. I-I couldn't.

Oh, well, you worried
about the money?

Now, if you sing the song,
you can have the money.

Hey, coke. The cops is
gone. We can bug on out now.

No, man, I wanna see this
floor show before I go.

Come on and sing. Well, it's
just my own made-up melody.

Oh, well, that's just fine.
Come on and sing. Yeah.

Go on, ma. Sing it for him.

♪ Everyone is someone
if you love them ♪

♪ love can make a
hero from a chump ♪

♪ love can make a
useless man seem useful ♪

♪ love can grow a
flower from a dump ♪

♪ if you dare to reach
out to a stranger ♪

♪ you may find you've
found a friend indeed ♪

♪ 'cause everyone is someone ♪

♪ if you love them ♪

♪ 'cause love is something
everybody needs ♪♪

Here, here. Oh, thank you.

Yeah. Yeah.

Ohh, Archie.

Yeah, you know, I must
tell you one thing, lady.

That sure was a bad song.

But I like you. Say, man, bring
the electric utensils on over here.

What you gonna do? I'm gonna
give her things back here.

Stealing from her would be
like stealing from my mother.

We've done that, coke.

Oh, man, I was ten then. Here.

You're a lucky man. That's
a very nice lady. Yeah.

And lookit here. This
is a dangerous thing.

Somebody could get
hurt with that. Here.

Be cool, baby. Be cool.
We'll see y'all. Bye now.

Well, Archie, what
are you gonna do now?

Buy a Cannon?

There ain't nothin' to do now.

I could have done somethin'
before, but I didn't have the gun!

If I had, maybe somethin' different
would have happened around here.

Archie, come on! Geez! Dad!

You hear that? What are
you gonna do with them?

They never learn.

Hey, look at this. "Nabbed
two in queens Jewel heist."

Hey, must be them two
guys that was here.

Archie, got a surprise for you.

We fixed your burglar
alarm in a way that no

crook is ever gonna set
foot in this house again.

Lionel, no. You can take
that dog for a long walk.

Archie, wait a second.
You gotta hear this.

♪ Everybody's someone
if you love them ♪

♪ love can make a
hero from a chump ♪♪

♪♪ now that might work.

All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.