All language subtitles for All in the Family - S02E03 - Archie in the Lock-Up

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ gee, our old
lasalle ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪♪

What the hell is
going on down here?

Oh, good morning, arch. I hope
the noise didn't disturb you.

Oh, no. I enjoyed it.

That's why I came downstairs,
so I could hear it better.

What are you doing?

Oh, geez.

"Peace, yes. Pentagon, no."

Boy, you sure know how to
start my day out, don't you?

Hey, Edith. Yeah, Archie!
Here's your coffee.

This meathead here is aggravatin'
me on an empty stomach.

Maybe that's because you
haven't had your breakfast yet.

You figured that
out, huh, Edith?

Yeah. well, maybe there's
something you could do about it.

Well, I could get
you your breakfast.

You're a pip, Edith.

Now, where you goin' with
the coffee? Oh, I'm sorry, Archie.

Here. I'll get you
your eggs right away.

I painted another one,
Michael. See? And it's dry now.

Oh, yeah, good. Oh, another
one. Let me look at this here.

"Stop the military
from wagin' war on us."

Now, what are you doin', involving
her in one of your pinko protests?

Oh, don't worry, arch.
She's gonna stay home.

She's gonna type up my term
paper. She's not comin' with me.

And it isn't a pinko
protest, daddy.

Well, what do you call it then?

It just happens to be one of the
biggest student demonstrations...

Against Pentagon control of our
government this city has ever seen.

Ah, geez. And what's more,
I'm proud of my husband.

At least he takes some responsibility
for what's going on in this world.

What about work?

That's one of the things
going on in this world.

When is he gonna take
some responsibility for that?

Daddy, he's busy with his
books and his studying...

Yeah, and all that
commie crapola.

Get that treason
off of my chair.

Arch, when are you gonna
stop with this commie jazz?

It's all over, arch.
The red scare's kaput.

Nixon's going to
Peking, remember?

Hold it, buddy.
He ain't there yet.

What's that supposed to mean?

Five presidents have been
warnin' us for the last 25 years...

Against them red chinks.

Now, nobody is gonna tell
me that the signals is off now...

And a billion enemies
is now our friends.

Oh, no. Mr. Nixon has got
somethin' up the sleeve.

Yeah, like recommending
they be admitted to the u.N.

Oh, that'd be the day when
this country sits down...

With a nation of chink ping-pong
players who don't believe in god.

Daddy! Then why is
Nixon going there...

If he doesn't intend to
recognize them? Right!

Listen, in the first place,
he can't recognize 'em.

They all look alike.

And in the second
place, you Mark my words.

He's got some... what do you
call... grand strategy there...

That he can't
"revulge" to us as yet.

That's what it is. I mean,
otherwise, the past 25 years,

the whole country
should've stood in bed.

Geez, these sinuses are murder.

They fog up my whole head.

Well, that explains everything.

Funny. Funny!

Here's your breakfast, Archie.

Hey, Edith, let me ask you. Did you
open the bedroom window last night?

Did I open the window?

Are your sinuses
bothering you? Yeah.

Your head all clogged up
and you can hardly breathe?

- Yeah.
- Then I opened the window.

Breakfast, everybody!

Oh, ma, I hope you
don't mind if I eat fast,

but I don't wanna get
there late with the signs.

Oh, what happens if
you get there late,

you gotta bring a note
to your commissar? Ha ha.

All this marchin' and protestin',
what does it get you, huh?

Last week you was
marchin' against poverty.

That's right, because last week,
millions of Americans went to bed hungry.

Tell 'em not to march. They
won't work up such a big appetite.

I don't know why
you're so upset, Archie.

I remember when
you used to picket.

That was different, Edith.

I was walkin' a picket
line for my union,

and I wasn't out screamin' in
the streets, blockin' traffic.

When we picketed, we
done it the American way:

On the sidewalks, dressed nice,

walkin' up and down with our
signs, peaceful, no violence.

Except when somebody
crossed the line.

Then you broke his head.

It's the only way to
teach a scab a lesson.

That was not violence,
Edith. That was education.

Besides, if you people think you're gonna
get somewhere with your type of protest,

I'm telling ya,
youse are dreamin'!

I was dreaming
last night. Ah, geez.

I dreamed...

You'll never believe this.

Good. Then there ain't
no point in tellin' it.

- I wanna hear the story, ma.
- Tell me.

I was in the miss
america contest!

Who were you, Edith? Bert parks?

No! Even Bert parks
wasn't Bert parks.

He was senator proxmire.

I don't know who
senator proxmire is,

but I kept hearing his name
on the radio all day yesterday.

And it's one of those words.

"Proxmire, proxmire,
proxmire, proxmire, proxmire."

Well, anyway, there I was,

this beautiful girl
in a bathing suit.

Oh, you were there too, Archie.

Another beautiful
girl in a bathing suit.

Funny, funny.

Leave me out of your dreams,
will ya? Oh, I can't, Archie.

You were one of the judges,
and that made me feel better...

'Cause I knew I could count on
Archie's vote come hell or high water.

"Hell or high water"? Ma, I never
heard you use an expression like that.

That was the theme song.
You sang it to me, Archie,

in the rowboat just
before you kissed me.

♪ Come hell or high water
I'll vote for you ♪♪ Edith, Edith!

Please, please! If you
got any pity in you at all,

no more musical dreams, huh?

That's probably
Lionel. Right on time.

Be right there, Lionel!

Hey, come on in. How's it going?

Hi, Lionel. Would you
like a cup of coffee?

No, thanks, Mrs. Bunker. No,
ma. We gotta get goin'. Let's go.

I don't know if I'm in
that big a rush, Mike.

I've been thinking about
passin' up this demonstration.

Hey, hey, what's this I hear?

Here's a guy that knows
his onions over here.

You know, youse people got more brains
than they give youse credit for, Lionel.

Hey, Lionel, how come
you changed your mind?

'Cause he's smart,
that's why, meathead.

Minorities like Lionel,
they gotta be careful

about calling
attraction to themselves.

You know, there are some whites
that got it in for your coloreds.

That's why your coloreds
have to behave better.

They gotta act nicer.
They gotta try harder.

Yeah, that's right.
We's like avis. Check.

Look, Mike, the reason I
was thinkin' of not goin' is,

see, I was talkin' to my cousin
Spencer on the police force...

Hey, Lionel, I didn't know you had
a cousin a cop. I never heard that.

Yeah, well, he the white
sheep of the family.

Anyway...

Anyway, Spencer's been called
to a special detail down at the u.N.

There's a couple of big groups
gonna be counterprotesting,

- and they're expecting
some trouble.
- Maybe you better not go.

Gloria, I gotta go. I promised
I'd be there. Come on, Lionel.

Leave him alone!

Why should he go down
there and picket the military?

The military's been
damn good to his people...

Taking 'em off the streets, giving 'em
three squares a day, lotta fancy uniforms.

Allowing 'em to die in Vietnam.

Well, now, Lionel, you gotta
take the bad with the good.

Archie, good is not spending over 50
cents out of every dollar on the military.

The military gives jobs.

How's his people gonna find work if
you cut off them jobs at the source?

But, Archie, I don't want the
source of jobs to be the military.

That's just the kind of thinking
I'm going downtown to protest.

Yeah, well, he ain't
going with you. Yes, I am.

Huh? You convinced me to go.

How'd I do that?
Just logic, Mr. Bunker.

I mean, you got it up here.

You ready, Mike? Yeah.

Michael, Michael,
please don't go.

Gloria, honey, don't worry.
Everything's gonna be all right.

Talk to you later. Come
on, Lionel. Bye, everybody.

Oh, thanks for straightening
me out, Mr. Bunker.

That Lionel's a funny kid.
Sometimes I can't dope him out.

Ma, I'm worried. I don't
think he should've gone.

He could get hurt or arrested.

Listen, listen, nobody gets arrested
in this country unless they deserve it.

If he don't go
callin' cops "pigs"...

Or none of them other
epaulettes, he'll be all right.

Hello. Oh, hello,
Mrs. Jefferson.

No, no. He just
left with Michael.

Oh?

Oh, yeah?

Oh, don't worry. I'm sure
they'll be all right. Bye.

Ma, that was Lionel's mother.

She said Spencer called, and they
put on 200 extra police down at the u.N.

They're expecting big trouble.

Oh, my! Daddy, will
you run after Michael...

And stop him before he gets on the
subway? He's already at the subway.

Well, then go down to
the u.N. And bring him home.

Are you kiddin'? Me go to
a commie demonstration?

Wild hornets
couldn't drag me there.

Ma, get daddy to do
it, please? I'm scared.

You better go down there. Why
don't she go down there herself?

Because he won't like my interfering.
I know him. He won't even listen to me.

Do you think he's gonna listen to
me? I've been living with him a year,

he ain't heard a
word I said yet.

Daddy, I've seen it
on the newsreels.

They beat those kids with
clubs and they haul 'em into jail...

Like they were...
Hold it, hold it.

Never the good kids.
Only the troublemakers.

No. In Washington.
I saw it on TV.

Why, they took
hundreds of 'em in...

Who just seemed to
be standin' watchin'.

Edith, that was Washington.

This is New York.

Daddy, listen, if
Michael gets arrested,

they'll book him and fingerprint
him and it'll be on his record,

and then when he
goes to look for a job...

When? When? When?

All right. All right. Since I don't
have a father, I'll do it myself.

And what's that supposed to
mean, you ain't got a father?

I said I'll go down there myself.
No! Now, Gloria, wait, please!

Archie, it's too dangerous.
Don't let her do it.

What kind of talk is that out
of her, she don't have a father?

Well, maybe she means she don't
have one when she needs one.

And what are you doin',
takin' her part? Yeah.

I'm going! And i'm
going with you!

What do you mean, you're going?
Who's gonna make lunch around here?

Come on, ma. We'll find him.

Hold it. H-Hold it! Hold it!

- Now youse ain't goin'.
- Yes, we are!

No, youse ain't
goin' 'cause I'm goin'.

Oh, daddy, thank
you. Thank you, Archie.

Forget about that.
No thanks required.

I'm gonna miss that ball
game on television today.

I'm gonna miss my lunch,
not that anybody cares.

Oh, we care, daddy.
Get away from me.

Oh!

What's the matter, Gloria?

Ma, they should've
been home by now.

Oh, now, Gloria, don't worry.

I'm sure Mike is all
right. Let's turn on the TV.

Maybe there's some news.
Oh, the news ain't on now.

Now you got bright promise,
secret storm and the newlywed game.

But if something was
happening, they'd break

into the program
with a special bulletin.

Oh, I don't think they're allowed
to break in on the newlywed game.

Sit down, Gloria. Now, let's
talk about something else,

something that'll take your
mind off Mike. I don't think I can, ma.

Gloria, do you remember
tubby Mr. Murdoch?

Tubby Mr. Murdoch. We
used to live next to them...

On union street
when I was about 11.

That's right, in the apartment
that always smelled like vinegar.

Yeah. Well, if I was
to tell you a secret...

About tubby Mr. Murdoch
and your father...

And a lie I told this morning.

- You told a lie this morning?
- Yeah, in my miss america
beauty contest dream.

Tubby Mr. Murdoch
wasn't in the dream.

Yes, he was.

He was the one that kissed me
in the rowboat, not your father.

Ma, no!

His kiss was very vinegary.

Not tubby Mr. Murdoch!

I had to say it
was your father...

Because if he ever heard that
anybody else kissed me in a rowboat,

even in a dream,
he'd have a fit!

He sure would! That's funny!

I'm glad you liked it.

And see how it took
your mind off Mike?

Oh, Gloria, i'm
sorry. Oh, Michael.

Let me fix you a cup of tea.
That'll make you feel better.

All right, ma.

Michael! Where have you been?

Look at your shirt! What did
they do to you? What happened?

Well, Gloria, it...

First, it started out peaceful.
You know, we just sort of,

you know, marching up
and down in front of the u.N.

But then this other group comes along
and they start protesting against us.

And then this guy from this other
group jumps up on his buddy's shoulders,

rips open his shirt,
and right there it says,

"america. Love it or leave it."

A real tattoo burned
right into his chest.

And then a guy from our group
jumps up, and he says, "oh, yeah?

Well, we love it, so
why don't you leave it?"

And then, before you know it,
Gloria, there's food and rocks...

And bottles flying all over
the place like you can't believe it.

And then the cops started comin'
in, and there were hundreds of 'em.

So Lionel and I,
w-we started to run,

but just as we turned around, Gloria,
standing there, right in front of us,

was the biggest,
tallest, meanest cop...

With this gigantic head
and a face like ed Sullivan.

And just as he was
about to grab us,

from out of nowhere comes
this naked lady. A naked lady?

Yeah! There was this
beautiful naked lady,

and she comes right
up to ed Sullivan,

jumps in his arms and
punches him right in the face.

Couldn't believe it. But Lionel and I
figured this is our chance to get away,

so we dropped down to our knees,
and we start crawling out of there...

Between hundreds of legs as
fast as we could and we escaped.

Do we have any cheese?

I'm hungry. Oh, yeah.
I'll get it right away.

Oh, Mike! Where's Archie?

- Archie?
- Michael, I forgot to tell you.

I sent daddy down
there to look for you.

Why? 'Cause I was worried.

Yeah, but, Gloria,
how could he find me?

I mean, the place
was a madhouse.

People running around,
yelling screaming.

The cops arresting everyone.

Oh, boy.

Aw, geez!

Officer! Officer! Officer,
get me out of here!

You again? I told you before, bunker, I
don't want any more trouble from you.

Officer, come here
a minute, huh? Hey.

Look at this here. So?

What do you mean, so?
That's the American flag there.

Very nice. How much?

I don't wanna sell it.
This means I'm an American.

So am I. So were they.

Yeah, but I ain't one of them. I
was just an innocent stand-byer.

Are you trying to tell me that
police arrest innocent citizens?

I never said that.

And I thought you said
you was an American. I am.

Then don't be hidin'
behind the American flag...

In order to smear the police.

Overpaid knucklehead.

Ah, leave me alone with that.

Ohh!

Ohh!

Hey, man, you're gonna blow
your mind sniffin' that stuff.

Huh? Bad trip,
baby. Real bummer.

That stuff is worse
than droppin' acid.

What the hell are
you talkin' about?

Stick with grass,
man. It's organic.

It's sniffin' that that's
makin' you so hostile.

This here is medicine,
buddy. It's all medicine.

That cat's gonna
blow holes in his head.

Don't do that to
yourself, brother.

Huh? Put that away, brother.

Take a trip with god.
What are you talkin' about?

♪ Jesus Christ superstar ♪ i'm
talkin' about the Jesus trip, brother.

Hey, let me ask you. Is that noise
comin' off of you somewhere?

Oh, geez! Turn that
racket off, huh?

♪ Jesus Christ
superstar ♪ racket? No.

That's "Jesus Christ
superstar," brother. It's Sunday.

I know it's Sunday, and
that ain't Sunday music.

It's unreligious.
Now, turn it off, huh?

You mean, you actually don't
dig "Jesus Christ superstar"?

Jesus Christ I dig, and I dug him
a long time before you weirdos...

Turned him into a superstar.

Now will you get that
away from me and turn it off!

♪♪ Brother, you
walk in darkness.

All over the world, this music is
turning young people on to Christ.

Praise the lord! Amen! Right on!

And you condemn it. Let
me tell you something.

Christ don't want
you turnin' on to him.

He wants you comin'
to him on your knees,

not wigglin' and jigglin'
till your parts fall off.

Oh, look at this now!

Beautiful! Bunch of creeps!

What's the use in talkin' to
youse? What a generation!

We try to learn youse somethin',
try to teach you some religion,

drag youse off to
church, and what do you do?

You give us back the son of god like he's
some kind of Engelbert what's-his-dinck.

Oh, it ain't no use.
Get away from me!

Get away from me! Get
lost! Hey, officer! Get me out!

Quiet down! You too, bunker!
I can't stay in here no more!

I was just comin' to get you.
You're kiddin'. I'm gettin' out?

You're gettin' out.
Let me out of here.

Hey, how about me?

Ah, gee, am I glad to be
seein' the last of youse!

We'll meet again, brother!

You wanna sign these
release papers? Yeah, sure.

Sergeant, is my
father all right?

Don't worry, little lady.
He's fine. There you go.

"Stivic." you Polish?

Yeah. Why?

Glad to you know ya.
Pulaski. Paul pulaski.

Oh, hi. How are ya? Yeah.
What, were you born here?

Yeah, but my folks
came from Kraków.

No kiddin'. That's where
my old man comes from.

Yeah? Hey, how do you like that!

Here he is, sarge. Oh,
daddy! Are you all right?

How'd you get here?
Tryin' to find your husband.

Well, they can't arrest
you for that, can they?

The sarge is waitin'
to see you, bunker.

Try not to be the jerk
you was inside, huh?

Callahan!

Who do you think
you're talkin' to?

Now apologize to Mr. Bunker.

But, sarge, all I said was...

All right. I apologize.

Sorry about that, Mr. Bunker. That's
all right, sarge. No hard feelings.

I was always a
friend to the cops,

even that time when
you was threatenin' to

go on strike and
everybody hated your guts.

Always supported them. I always
said, "this city would be a jungle...

- If it wasn't for
New York's finest.
- Well, we try.

That's what I try to keep telling
this dumb Polack son-in-law of mine.

This dumb what?

Polack.

Say it a little louder, arch.

Sgt. Pulaski didn't hear you.

Uh-oh! I got a little bad
news for you, bunker.

I'm not at all sure that your
release papers are in perfect order.

Callahan! Sarge, uh...

Now, bunker, I hope you realize
that a big, dumb Polack like me...

Could easily make
a mistake, right?

Yeah, sarge?

Oh, Callahan, would you take these
papers down to officer Murphy...

And have 'em typed
up all over again.

Officer Murphy? The one
who types with one finger?

That's right. And have
him be ever so careful.

Right, sarge.

Don't worry, bunker.
With any luck at all,

you should be out within
three or four hours.

Here's your beer, Archie.

And another sandwich,
daddy, just the way you like it.

I wanna tell youse all you
got a lot to answer for.

Especially you, meathead.
It was all your fault.

Me? What did I do?

You was born a Polack.
That's what you did.

That's why I had to stay in that
station house for three hours,

starin' at that big, dumb
sergeant 'cause you didn't warn me.

What did you want
me to do, arch?

Send up a signal flag saying, "shut
your dumb mouth. Sgt. Pulaski's Polish"?

Instead of being mad at
Michael, you ought to thank him.

- He bailed you out.
- How much the bail bond
cost us?

- Nothin'.
- What do you mean, nothin'?

Them bondsmen don't hand
over their shekels for nothin'.

Yeah, but I didn't go
to a bail bondsman.

I got the money from
the freedom fund.

- The which?
- It's money used to free
protestors who get arrested.

You're out of jail courtesy
of your friends, arch...

The pinkos, the
meatheads and the freaks.

All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.