All language subtitles for All in the Family - S01E05 - Judging Books by Covers

From television
city in Hollywood.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ gee, our old
lasalle ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪♪

Michael, could you please
help me? The can opener's stuck.

Sure, babe. That's enough landmarks
of economic thought for one afternoon.

And could you help me set the table
too? Roger will be here in a few minutes.

Sure. What's for lunch?

You'll see, and no
grabbing any samples.

There's only one
thing I wanna grab.

Michael!

I just don't think
it's right, Archie.

Every time the church
has a charity drive,

I gotta say, "my husband
don't have any old clothes." So?

So, I've been tellin'
them that for 15 years.

Listen, that's the trouble
with this country today.

There's too many handouts.

Every guy and his brother's on welfare,
which is the same as pickin' my pocket.

Well, if they're gonna pick my
pocket, they ain't gonna do it in my suit.

I didn't hear the substance, but the
tone tells me to set this down easy,

mind my own business and
steal slowly out of the room.

Hey. Didn't make it.

Two seconds away from freedom.

If it's freedom from me
you're inferrin' there,

you'll notice I ain't got
no bars on that front door.

Archie, I'm makin' a joke.
Can't you take a joke?

I can take... I know. You can
take a joke with the best of them.

If you're gonna answer your questions as
well as ask them, what do you need us for?

You're a regular one-man family.

All right, you two. That's
enough of that. Michael, I need you.

Now, hold it, hold it. Come
here a minute. Come here.

What is this here? "S.S.
Pierce fancy cashews"?

What, are we gettin' too
classy for peanuts? Edith!

I got no problem with peanuts.

Daddy, will you please stop it.

Those are for company, and besides,
they only cost a few cents more.

"Cost a few cents more." Edith, did
you bring these things into the house?

Probably. What do
you mean, "probably"?

I mean probably I did.

Well, probably you did could
also mean probably you didn't.

That's the way it is with a
word like "probably." Right?

Probably. Dingbat!

What is all this, anyway? Whattaya
got here? Is that whipped cream?

It's clam dip. Clam dip?

What's this? What kind of
fish is that? Smoked salmon.

Smoked salmon? I only
get tuna fish for my lunch.

Who you havin' here? The Duke of
windsor? What difference would it make?

Whoever it is, you're not gonna like
him. You don't like anything about us.

You resent our attitudes, our
politics, even the clothes we wear.

I don't think there's one
thing about us you agree with.

I agree with that.

That don't answer the question. Who's the
big cheese you're havin' here for lunch?

Roger. Roger, the fairy?

All right, all right.
Let's not start...

Did you hear that, Edith? You know who
they're bringing around here for lunch?

Roger. Sweetie pie Roger!

Would you cut it out, huh?

He's their friend,
Archie. Listen, Edith.

We run a decent home here,

and we don't need any strange
little birdies flyin' in and out of it.

Daddy, you stop that. Roger's
not a strange little birdie.

His pal Roger is as queer as a
four-dollar bill, and he knows it.

That's not only cruel,
daddy, that's an outright lie.

You know something, Archie,
just because a guy is sensitive...

And he's an intellectual and he
wears glasses, you make him out a queer.

I never said a guy who
wears glasses is a queer.

A guy who wears glasses is a four
eyes. A guy who is a fag is a queer.

Mom, make him stop
talking like that.

Oh, dear, i-i-i
don't know. Mom...

Go ahead, Edith.
Now, answer the girl.

Now, you've seen Roger sashaying
around here with his la-di-da talk.

He's a pansy. I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't
know? I'm not an expert on flowers.

Archie, look. You might as well
face it. You're all alone in this.

We all know Roger, and
we all know he's straight.

And even if he wasn't... and I said
if... What difference would that make?

In many countries... England,
for instance... there is a law...

That says whatever two consenting
adults do in private is their own business.

Listen. This ain't England.

We threw England out
of here a long time ago.

We don't want no more part of
England, and for your information,

England is a fag country.

What? Certainly.

Ain't they still pickin' handkerchiefs
out of their sleeve, huh?

Ain't they still
standin' around,

leanin' on them skinny
umbrellas like this here?

I know this. Their whole society
is based on a kind of a "fagdom."

Di... yo... yo...

You know, you're right,
Archie. You're right.

The British are a
bunch of pansies.

Pansies, fairies and sissies.

And the Japanese
are a race of midgets,

the Irish are boozers,
the Mexicans are bandits...

And you polacks are meatheads.

That's Roger. Now,
daddy, please be good.

If I can't be good,
I'll be careful.

Gloria! Hey, Mike, hi.

Nice to see you. How was
the trip? Nice to see you.

Fabulous! Mike, it was
the most super trip.

In fact, it was an
absolutely stunning,

exhausting,
incredible experience!

Oh, when is he gonna land?

Um, pardon me, Roger.
You know my mother.

Oh, yes. Mrs. Bunker. So nice to
see you again. How do you do, Roger?

Really a pleasure.

And my father,
Mr. Bunker. Mr. Bunker.

Yeah, how are ya?
Uh, one hand's enough.

Roger, why don't you
sit down, make yourself

comfortable, and I'll
get the hors d'oeuvres.

Oh, mom, Roger brought us some
snapshots from his trip to Europe.

Oh, I like snapshots.

I always like to think about
everybody standin' there in them.

You know, frozen-like?

And then the next minute, after
the picture has been snapped,

they're all off
and movin' again.

I like to think
about who they are...

And where they're going,

right after the
picture is snapped.

You're a pip, you know that, Edith?
You're a regular edna St. Louis millay.

Here are the hors d'oeuvres. Oh.

Well, tell us about
Europe there, Roger.

What kind of sports action they
got over there this time of the year?

I mean, they must have things
like skiin' there, and bobsleddin'.

Bobsleddin'. There's
a manly sport.

Do you do any
bobsleddin' over there?

Uh, well, no, sir. There isn't too
much of that in London, I'm afraid.

That's where I spent
most of my time.

- Oh, London, huh? London, England, huh?
- Yes.

Your witness.

Let's take a look at those
pictures. Let me see what you got.

Wow. Oh, wouldn't you know it.

The first one's the
cornball of all time.

The changing of the guard
at Buckingham Palace. Oh, my!

- Look at those big hats.
- These are the gardens
at coventry.

Oh, what beautiful flowers!

Aren't the colors vibrant? And
you know, they smelled heavenly.

He's off the ground again.

Here's the old standby. Big Ben.

Oh, my, you can
almost hear it chime.

Look, it's 4:00.

And one minute later, after
the picture was snapped,

the hands were moving again,

and it was one
minute after 4:00.

Uh... oh! Oh.

This was a most
enchanting young person.

Boy or girl? A boy.

Why did I ask?

He was selling peace stickers
there in piccadilly circus.

Look at that expression!

And right after you snapped
the picture, he was moving again.

And everybody behind him.
Yeah, they was all movin', Edith!

I want to take a look at
this enchantin' young person.

Aren't you gonna be late meeting
Steve and the guys at the tavern?

Oh, I thought I'd hang
around and hear about...

Some more of the enchanting
things he done over there.

For instance, uh, did he hunt?

You know Roger doesn't
hunt. I don't believe in it either.

Sometimes I got my doubts
about you too, buster brown.

All right, Edith, i'm
going over to kelcy's bar,

say hello to my friend, Steve,
and say hello to some of the boys.

Nice seein' you too, Roger.
Oh, my pleasure, Mr. Bunker.

Whoopee.

Archie, maybe you can bring
back a pitcher of kelcy's tap.

It'd go good with their lunch.

Yeah, ma, Roger and
I'll pick it up later.

Uh, Archie, never mind. Why don't
you go and have a nice afternoon.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
It's been a charmin' interlude.

Here. I made us some
little hot toddies.

And, oh, Roger, have
some fancy cashews.

Oh, thank you. They're
from s.S. Pierce.

S.s. Pierce! That's my
favorite kind of cashew.

Listen, guys, all I'm sayin'
is the right to strike...

Is in the constitution and in
the declaration of independence.

And all I'm saying, Barney, there's
a time and a place for everything.

Wages go up, prices go
up. Right away, inflation.

Yeah, Steve is right. It's what
you call your upward "spinal."

The point still is,

you can't tell an American when
he can go on strike if he wants to.

America means it's up to him.

America means it's his god-given
right, and anything else is UN-American.

Yeah, but your American
workers goin' on strike...

Is what makes your
kids' shoes cost so much.

Not my kids' shoes. Why not?

'Cause we buy jap shoes.

He's got you there, Archie.
Yeah, at the discount house.

Hey, speakin' about imports,

you guys gotta go see that Swedish
picture that just opened downtown.

Oh, yeah? Wanda:
How I became a woman.

What a film! Madon'!

Really somethin', huh? Oh,
this Wanda's got a built on her.

Yeah? Yeah? She's
a waitress, see?

And the first time you see her,
she's leanin' over the counter.

And I mean leanin'.

She can really act.

Yeah, but you gotta admit, some of them
foreign films, they go too far, you know.

I mean, some of them, they ain't
nothin' but sheer "pornograbby."

Yeah, yeah, I know
what you mean.

But this Wanda thing
has got what they call...

Some redeemin' "socialness."

Oh, yeah, I heard of that.

That's where they give
you the same "pornograb,"

but they advertise in the
times instead of the news.

Hey, kelcy. Put a
head on this, will ya?

Anyway, you gotta go see
this Wanda. I'm gonna go see it.

You don't have to go to movies
to see your wandas, huh, Steve?

I mean, you bachelors, you got 'em
comin' and goin' like runnin' water, huh?

Whatever you say, arch.
Come over and sit down with me.

I want to ask you
some things. Sure.

When you was playin' pro ball, I
mean, the game was different then.

It was rougher, it was tougher.
It was real guts football, huh?

None of your two platoon
stuff and all that, huh?

Oh, I don't know, arch.
It was a long time ago.

Yeah, but when you was playin' against
bronko nagurski... no, no, no, no, no.

We never played the bears.

Besides, I only
played two seasons.

Listen to this guy. You
only played two seasons.

You know how many people never
even played one season? Most.

What I mean is, how do you keep
yourself in such great shape?

Look at your
shoulders and all that.

Well, I work out every day,
jog two miles every morning,

and, uh, archery.

Archery? Yeah, it's good for
the arms and the shoulders.

You mean with a
bow and arrow? Yeah.

Jeez, you know, I never figured
you for no bow and arrow.

Hey, kelcy, let me have a
pitcherful there, will ya.

Hey, Mike. Hey, you
guys. How ya doin'?

Get a load of this. My
son-in-law and his pal tinkerbell.

Excuse me, will
you, Mike. Hey, Steve!

Hey, rog. Hi, Mr. Bunker.

Good to see you again,
kid. Here, sit down.

Thank you, but we're
only gonna be a minute.

I just got back from Europe, and I wanted
you to know I got some beautiful shots.

Good. How did the zoom
lens work out? Fantastic.

The best lens you ever sold
me. Next time you're in the shop,

there's a 105 that's
great for portraits.

I'll come Thursday and
look at it. Good to see you.

Nice to see you. Arch,
I'll flip you for the beers.

Oh, no, not today, Steve. Your
money ain't no good around here.

Uh, Mike, uh, could I
speak with you for...

Would, uh, you excuse us,
please, huh? Oh, sure. Sure.

Thanks.

Hey.

This, uh, kid you come in with.

Is he straight? Oh, no.

Not you too. Of
course he is. Why?

Well, the way him and Steve
there were so buddy-buddy,

I thought maybe
he was a little, uh...

You know? What?

Well, now, don't get me
wrong. I don't mind Steve.

His camera store is just
down the street here.

He only comes in for a drink
once in a while on his way home.

Besides, he don't, uh,
camp it up, you know?

And he don't bring
in none of his friends.

Kelcy, are you trying
to tell me that Steve is...

I just wouldn't want my place...

To become no, uh, hangout.

Know what I mean? Huh?

Gloria, this was a delicious
lunch. Oh, thank you, Roger.

It was sweet of you to come over
today and share your trip with us.

Don't be silly. I loved it. It was
like reliving the whole experience.

The picture I like the best was
the one of the queen passing by.

Oh, mom. That was just her
carriage. You couldn't even see her.

I know, but she was inside,

sittin' there royal-like.

Maybe takin' a
speck out of her eye.

Hey, you know what they
got on at 3:00, channel 9?

They got a special on there.
Great fights of the century.

Jack dempsey, Joe Louis,
rocky marciano... all of 'em.

Bring us over a beer
here, will ya, Edith.

Oh, you're still
here, are you, Roger?

Uh, he was just leaving, daddy.

Uh, yes. However, i'm
happy that I had the

opportunity to say
good-bye to you again, sir.

Oh, well, if it means
that much to you, swell.

Unless of course you want to sit
here and watch the fights with me.

Well, no, thank you, sir. I
don't care much for pugilism.

Who's talkin' about pugilism? I
asked you to watch the fights.

Fighting is not
my cup of tea, sir.

Oh, fighting's not his cup
of tea. That's that then, huh?

Uh, yeah. Come
on, rog. Let's go.

Hey, Mike, uh, come here
a minute, will ya. What?

Why don't you just
open up a window.

We'll all watch him fly out.

Thanks again. Bye.
Uh, see ya, rog.

Hey, wanna watch the
fights, Mike? No, thanks.

What's the matter, you sorehead?

Just because I called the
turn on your friend Roger-bell?

Listen, Archie, you make one
more crack about Roger...

Or what? Well, never mind.

But I could tell you something
that could shock you pretty good.

I been everywhere where
the grass grows green.

Nothing you're gonna show me or tell
me is gonna shock me. Remember that.

I know something that'd shock you,
daddy. I bet you can't do this thing.

Oh, yeah, come on.
Just try for a second.

Leave me alone. I'm
watchin' the fights here.

There's a commercial on
here. It'd just take a second.

All right. What
do you got? Yeah.

What is this? Some
kind of practical joke.

No, no, no. It's not a
joke. Gloria, show him.

Watch, daddy. Take three
steps back from the wall.

Yeah. One, two, three.

Then you put the
chair in front of you.

You bend over, put your
head against the wall,

and you pick up
the chair, and ta-da.

That's it? That's it.

That's all there is. It's
just that men can't do it.

- Michael can't do it. Show him, Michael.
- Yeah, watch this. Here you go.

Same thing, right? Three
steps back from the wall.

Chair in place,
head on the wall.

Pick up the chair.
Can't stand up.

Cannot stand up. Can't get up.

What are you ta... gimme
the chair! No. Go ahead.

Three steps back, right?
Right. One, two, three.

Yeah. Okay. Put the chair there.

My head against the wall.
I lift up the chair. Right.

Yeah, now stra... straighten
up! I can't straighten up!

You didn't straighten
up! I know. I just can't do it!

That's the thing. Yeah,
but I straightened up.

What'd you do to the chair? I
didn't do anything to the chair.

You're a liar. What'd
he do to the chair?

He didn't do anything. Get
over here and watch me.

All I did was the same thing.

It's the same chair and the
same wall. One, two, three.

Gimme the chair!

One, two, three. Put
the chair there. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. Head
against the wall.

Pick it up.

Don't hurt yourself,
dad. That's a trick chair!

- It's not a trick chair!
- If it ain't a trick chair,
any other chair will work.

Any chair. Okay. All right,
I'll get another chair.

Okay, ma. One, two, three.

♪ Da-da ♪♪

♪ da-da ♪♪

If she can do it, there's a
trick to it, and I ain't interested.

It's not a trick.
It's not a trick.

Women can do it, and men can't.

You saw I couldn't do it. It's
just women are built different.

I been aware of
that for some time.

No, I-I-I mean, the pelvic
construction is such that...

Oh, please don't draw
me no "diaphragms," huh?

It's a dumb gag.
Where did you get it?

Roger showed it to us.
Oh, Roger showed it to you.

- Yeah, he brought it back
from England.
- Boy, I bet he can do it.

Let's not start any
of that again, huh?

You told me that
a man can't do it.

If a man can't do it, I would
imagine your friend Roger-bell can.

"Roger-bell," huh? "Roger-bell"?

You wanna know who
could lift that chair, Archie?

I mean, not only
could he lift that chair,

but he could prance and
flit all over this room with it.

Your friend Steve.

Michael. my friend Steve?

That's right, Archie, and I
wasn't gonna say it, but it's true.

That big football player...

Is a flower?

You are sick, you know
that? You need help!

Oh, now, daddy,
don't start in with...

No, no! I've listened to this
guy around here for ten months!

All his pinko stuff,
well, that's all right.

That's what they're fillin' 'em
up with in the schools nowadays.

The clothes? Well,
that's all right.

They take from one another. One
kid looks crummier than the next.

Their wide-open sex any time of the
night or day for no reason at all?

All right, that's your
"submissive" society.

But when they goes
besmearin'... when they

go besmearin' the name
of a great linebacker,

a second choice all-American...
A man, and I mean a real man,

then you might as well shut the doors
of this country and hang out a sign:

"Closed. Owner gone nuts."

Good shot! Get those hands up!

That-a-way! Move that body!

One shot! Ahh! Gotcha!

Keep the hands up.
That-a-boy. Feint, jab.

Hit him in the belly!

Hit him with a left!
Move that left!

That-a-boy. Move
it! Yeah! Come on!

Come on. This is
it. The knockout.

No, no, the knockout's in the
tenth round. This is the tenth round.

Here it comes! Bang! Pow!

Hey, Steve. Kelcy, I gotta go.

Where you goin'? Where
you goin', you guys?

The old lady's waitin'
for me. Okay, we'll see ya.

Thanks for stoppin' by.
That was some fight, huh?

Great. You know something, arch?

I love those combinations.
Hey, hey! Take it easy there!

The law says them mitts of
yours are lethal weapons.

You're nuts, Archie. I was
a ballplayer, not a fighter.

What's the difference?
Look at the size of you.

Boy, the strength...
Hey, do me a favor.

Let me try you once with
the arm. Have another beer.

Come on, come on.
One time. Forget it.

Are you serious?
Certainly. All right, go.

Oh, gee!

Oh, beautiful! Oh,
gee. Boy, what an arm!

Oh, my... when I think of what
that dopey son-in-law of mine said...

Mike still buggin'
you? Oh, well, I tell ya,

it's... it's... it
ain't only him.

It's his whole generation. Kelcy,
bring us a couple of beers over here.

Right, arch. I mean,
they got no regard.

They got no respect for the old
institutions. What institutions, Archie?

Well, you know, like
sports, sportsmanship there.

Guts, guns... the things that separate
the sexes, you know what I mean?

Yeah, I think I know
what you mean. Yeah.

Here you go, guys. Thanks. Uh,
let me ask you somethin' there.

How long you know this, uh, this
kid Roger that was in with Mike?

Oh, couple of years, ever since
he started to come in the shop.

Couple of years. Now,
you're a man of the world.

Now, you must know that this
kid is kind of a la-di-da, right?

Is that what Mike
thinks of Roger?

Oh, forget about what Mike thinks.
I can't even tell you what he thinks.

Hey, put them glasses over here.
I wanna go with you once more.

Go ahead. Come on.
You're nuts. All right.

Let me get even. One
more time. Get it up there.

All right. Go!

What does Mike think,
arch? Ah, Mike. Jeez.

Well, for one thing, he thinks
that friend of his, Roger, is straight.

And for another thing...

You're gonna wanna bust him
wide open when I tell you this.

I don't know where he
gets these brainstorms,

but he thinks that you're a...

Jeez, I can't even
say it to you, Steve.

He's right, arch. Huh?

He's right.

You mean he's right
about his friend Roger.

About everything.

Aw, come on. I mean...

If you wanna joke about
it, all right, but come on.

Get off it, huh, guy? Arch.

How long you known me?
Ten, twelve years? Yeah.

In all that time, did I
ever mention a woman?

What difference does that
make? You're a bachelor.

So?

I know, but bachelors are...
They're always actin' kinda private.

Exactly.

Aw, come on, Steve.

I ain't the brightest
guy in the world.

You wanna put me on, put me
on, but don't tell me that you...

I mean, look at you... look at...
Come on, will ya, you big clown, you!

Get outta here! Have
it your own way, arch.

The truth's in the eye of the
beholder anyway. I'll see ya later, pal.

Well, if that's the
punch of a fruit...

Nyah!

Watch. I'll do it again. Look.
Just pick it up and then stand up.

Incredible. It's
amazing. I can't believe...

I couldn't do that. Men
can't do that. Isn't that wild?

You try it, Jerry.

Here you go. Three
steps back. Right.

Put the chair in.

Do it again. I
don't believe that.

I thought you said a guy couldn't do that!
I'm never gonna trust youse two again!

Daddy, I'd like you to meet
my friend, Jerry woodner.

Yeah, how are ya?

Well, how do you do, Mr. Bunker?

Pleased to meet ya.

Nowadays you
can't bet on nothin'.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ those were the days ♪♪

All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.