All language subtitles for All in the Family - S01E04 - Archie Gives Blood

From television
city in Hollywood.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ gee, our old
lasalle ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪♪

Ah, seven. One, two,
three, four, five, six, seven.

St. Charles place.

Wanna buy it? How much is it?

It's $140, Edith. Can't
you read there?

Well, I-I don't know.

Uh, uh, what do
you think, Gloria?

Well, you already
own states Avenue.

This'll give you
two-thirds of a monopoly.

Aw, come on, Edith. Will
ya make up your own mind.

Make your own
decisions, ya know.

In the real world, you don't go
to your competition for advice.

She's not in the real
world. It's only a game.

So is life a game, buddy boy.

Whether you play the
game in here or out there,

you gotta play it to win, right?

Where did we hear that, Archie?

Was it on mannix
or the bold ones?

Keep your mind on your
property, huh, Edith?

"Whether it's this game in
here or that game out there..."

You wanna buy St.
Charles's place?

I'll take it.

Whoopee. The dingbat
makes a decision.

Twenty, thirty, forty, fifty...

What are you countin' the tens
for? You got a pile of hundreds.

Here's a hundred. Gimme
four tens. There's $140.

Put it in the bank.
Let's go, huh?

Come on, daddy.
Stop nagging at her.

And you haven't answered
Michael's question yet.

- Are you going with him to the
blood bank tomorrow morning?
- The blood bank? No.

Reading railroad. I'll buy it.

- Why not, arch? You said
last week you'd go with me.
- I changed my mind.

I ain't givin' none of
my blood unless I know

who's gonna be on
the receivin' end of it.

Hey, well, what's
the difference?

The difference is, some radical
blows up a building, right?

He gets shot; He
needs a transfusion.

Well, he ain't gonna get
none of Archie bunker's blood!

Neither is anybody
else, I got a feelin'.

I think you're right, Michael.
That's just an excuse, daddy.

Tennessee Avenue. My
property. The rent is $14.

Let's have it. All
right. I'll give it to you.

Relax there. Don't act so pushy.

I don't know why he won't give blood.
He never gives anything to anybody.

He gave me this cold I got.

All right, here we
go for a roll now.

He's always givin' me colds. Over
the years, he's given me a lot of colds.

Edith, I'm tryin' to
roll over here, huh?

It's all right for him when he
gets a cold. He's the husband.

He can take time off
and go to bed with it.

Edith, I'm tryin' to roll here.

While I'm runnin' up and
down stairs, waitin' on him...

But when I get a cold...

I'm the wife. I can't take
time off. I can't go to bed.

Will you stifle yourself.

Oh...

Why do you do that?

You know I'm very, very
susceptible of colds, Edith.

Really, now. I mean, ever
since the war... the big one.

It happened because
I was sleepin' in...

Them wet tents all the time,
with the rain pourin' in on me.

All right, Archie. Not the
"big war" routine again, huh?

The big war made a
lot of people very sick.

- I get a cold
every winter this time...
- All right, Archie. We know.

You get the only war-connected
head colds in the country.

- Now, will you
roll the dice, please?
- All right, I'm rollin'.

Here we go. There we are.

One, two, three,
four, five, six.

Park place. Right
next to the boardwalk.

That's the best monopoly on
the board. Come on. Okay, 350.350.

Here you are. Five
hundred. Change. All right.

Here's your deed.
All right. Ha-ha-ha.

Look at him gloating. You'd
think he was really rich.

Yeah, well, I am rich.

A man is rich who can enjoy himself
in the bosom of his family, huh?

You sure are shovelin'
it tonight, arch.

"A man is rich who
can enjoy himself..."

You know who said that?

Marcus welby, m.D.

- Will you roll, huh?
- I wanna ask you
something, Archie.

That, uh, guy that you
wouldn't give blood to.

The radical who got
shot blowin' up a building?

Yeah? how do you know that
the blood he finally gets...

Won't be William Buckley's?

Because... oh!

I gotta go to jail.

Good.

Make it solitary
confinement, huh?

Because bill Buckley would
never give no blood of his...

To some radical who
was blowin' up buildings.

Archie, if Buckley's blood is
in a bank, he's not gonna know.

Well, he might not know, but
down at the blood bank, they know.

They got names on all
the jars. No, they don't.

Oh, he doesn't get
the concept, Michael.

Look, daddy, blood is blood. It's all
the same, no matter who it comes from.

"No matter who it comes
from." You hear that?

You send 'em out to
get a normal education,

they come back with
all these subversions.

Where do they
get it, huh, Edith?

Huh? I can't talk.

I'm in solitary.

Well, let me tell you
somethin', little girl.

Blood is like anything else in life. You
got your good and you got your bad.

You do not know what
you're talking about. All right.

For instance, John
Dillinger had bad blood.

John Dillinger? Who
is John Dillinger?

Aw, gee. Listen to this guy.

He's arguin' blood, he don't
even know who John Dillinger is.

You're over your head,
Sonny boy. Get outta the water.

Look, Archie, I-I don't
wanna argue with you.

I'm just stating a fact.
All blood is the same.

Well, if all blood is the
same, let me ask you this:

How come they ain't got
no Swedes in the mafia?

What does that got
to do with anything?

Because your Italians got a lock
on it, that's why. It's in their blood.

The same way it's in your blacks'
blood to do the Scooby-dooby-doo.

Aw, jeez! Oh, that's terrible!

Daddy! That's
true! It's not true!

What I'm telling you, Archie,

is an accepted scientific fact.

You take any two pints
of blood, yeah, any two.

Uh, one from Asia,
one from america...

Or one from a black man and
one from a white man. Yeah.

Any two pints of blood, and
assumin' that both donors are healthy,

and the types match, those two
pints of blood are interchangeable.

Yeah, because chemically they're
exactly the same. Right, exactly.

Are you both finished? Yeah.

You want my reaction?

Commie propaganda,
pure and simple.

Oh... oh! That's bull!

That's straight from the
russkies, right off the kremlin line!

Archie, Archie,
what I am tellin' you...

I'm gonna tell you
for the last time.

Any man's blood will work in any
other man's body, period. That's a fact.

College life has got youse
two... all right, daddy...

You two are sick! I'm talkin'
science! This is a scientific fact!

You don't argue with
science! It's my turn!

I got some of the same blood
in me as Katharine hepburn.

I'm just as surprised as
you to hear me say that.

I don't think I've ever
said it out loud before.

Oh, yes, you did, Edith. You
did. Believe me. Come on. Roll.

You and Katharine hepburn?
The real Katharine hepburn, ma?

Yeah! Oh, don't get her
started on this again.

But we never heard it
before, did we, Michael? No, no.

I'd like to hear the
story. Go ahead, ma.

Well, I was a little
girl, about 11,

and I was visiting with these
relatives we had in Connecticut,

in east Hartford.

And it was summer, and
we kids, the three cousins,

we was chasin' an ice truck,

because then everybody had
iceboxes instead of refrigerators,

and they delivered
ice, and in the summer,

if you were a kid and you could get a
piece of ice off of one of them trucks...

Well...

Anyway, the truck stopped short,

and I was runnin' with
my arm up like this.

Get on with it, Edith!

And this part of my arm... you can't
see it now because of the dress...

But I got it hooked
right on this iron part...

That was stickin' out of
the back end of the truck.

Oh, and I-I don't remember this
part too good because I passed out,

but I-I lost so much blood
before they got me to the hospital,

they had to give
me a transfusion.

Which they did.

Uh, is that it? Of
course that ain't it.

She's got a long ways to go.

Get to the main part,
will ya, Edith. Oh, yeah.

Well, at the same time
that I was in the hospital,

Katharine hepburn
was in there too.

And to make a long story short,

my aunt heard...

That three days after
he donated blood to me,

the same man donated blood...

To Katharine hepburn!

Uh, something's wrong
with the story, ma.

- Well, that's what happened.
- Well, something's very wrong.

Yeah, Edith, now wait a minute.
Let's get this thing straight.

The whole point of
the story always was...

That they put some of Katharine
hepburn's blood into you.

Ain't that right?

Oh, no.

The point was...

That they put some of
the same blood in me...

As they put in
Katharine hepburn.

Well, the next time I hope youse'll
think twice before youse encourage her!

Now, will ya roll the dice.

Gettin' a little queasy?

Don't be a wise guy. I let you talk
me into comin' down here, didn't I?

Yeah. Yeah, well,
don't worry about me.

The sight of blood
don't bother me none.

Did you see that guy
there? What's he doin' here?

Who? The chink over there.

What's a chink doin' here?
You mean a Chinese man?

All right. Whatever. I was just
wonderin' what he was doin' here.

He's here the same as
everybody else, to give blood.

Oh, no, no, no. He ain't
gonna give no blood here.

What are you talkin' about?
That's what everybody's here for.

Get outta here. He's an
oriental. That's a yellow race.

Oh. And, of course,
he has yellow blood.

Look, there's an
irishman with green blood.

Hey, look over there.
There's governor rockefeller.

Where? There. The guy
with the blue blood.

Knock off the funnies, will ya.

Look over there now.

He ain't here to give
blood at all. He's a doctor.

That shows you how
smart you are, college boy.

I'll bet down in Chinatown
they got a chinky red cross...

Takin' blood for their
own people. Oh, gee.

What do you mean, "oh"? They must
have the same thing up in Harlem too.

Mike. Mr. Bunker.
How's it goin'?

Oh, hiya, Lionel. How are
ya? Lionel, how ya doin'?

Imagine meeting you down
here at the blood bank.

What were you sayin', Archie, about a blood
bank up in Harlem or something like that?

Dummy up, will ya. Dummy up.

You feelin' all right,
Mr. Bunker? Certainly.

Oh, he's all right,
Lionel. He just didn't

expect to see a black
man here givin' blood.

If you wanna make an argument out
of it, I bet he ain't here to give blood.

He's here to do some
odd job, right, Lionel?

Uh, yeah, yeah. I sweeps up.

I left my broom back there.

I need some water. Get
me some water too, huh?

Poor Mike. They get all
confused, don't they?

Your goody-goody white liberals.

You tell 'em all men are brothers
and we all come from the same god,

and right away they think
we all got the same blood.

Ain't that ridiculous?

I know what you mean.

Yeah. I mean, if they start pumpin'
our blood into you white folks,

well, who knows what might
happen... you could all turn black.

Well, I tell you, Lionel, I-I-I think
there's some doubt about that.

- You wouldn't wanna
chance it, would you?
- No.

But here's the guy that
knows all about everything.

Huh? Mr. Big liberal
ignoramus himself.

Why don't you talk to Lionel here
about some of your fancy scientific facts.

Lionel, you been puttin' him on
again? I think I need some water too.

This kid's got common sense.

He knows his blood ain't the
same as yours, even if you don't.

Archie... what can I tell you?

Uh, let me take this by
the numbers, all right?

Let's see if we can really
talk this thing through.

- Now, first,
we'll take your heart.
- Why my heart?

Well, my heart, your heart. It's the
heart that pumps the blood, right?

Yeah. now, does your heart
ask you who gave you the blood?

No. It's just like the
water pump in a car.

The... the water pump in a car?

You get all choked up about some
dingbat story about chasin' an ice truck,

and you sit here and tell me that the
human heart's like a water pump in a car?

The human heart is
the most important,

the most emotional
organ in your body.

It's where all your... your love
and your romance is kept there.

Everybody knows that.

We ain't machines
yet, Sonny boy.

Yeah, but that's the point i'm
trying to make. The heart is a machine.

That's why they can give you a new
one nowadays when the old one packs up.

- It's just like a car.
- It ain't like a car!

Keep your voice down.

Archie, I'm just talkin' about
transplants. Wait a minute.

Now, if you're gonna start
talkin' about transplants,

you're gonna make
my point for me.

Now, the first time out
with them transplants,

they put a woman's heart
in a man's body, right?

Yeah. So what? So it's tough
enough for a woman and a man...

To live together in the same
house, never mind the same body.

That heart was rejected,
right? All right, case closed.

Next case. Archie,
wait a second...

Let me talk. Take that dentist
down there in South Africa.

The Jewish guy. Every
organ in his body was Jewish.

You check me up on that
if you don't believe me.

Orthodox too, for all I know.

So what did they do? They
put a Christian heart in the guy.

Now, you know all them
orthodox Jewish organs...

Have to reject
that Christian heart.

Or "versa versa."

Oh, Lionel, come here. Sit down.

You know what we was talkin'
about here? Transplants.

Oh, bad business. Unless,
of course, it's white on white.

Oh, Lionel, cut it out!

Let him talk!

You see this guy here?
He don't wanna hear

nothin' from nobody
unless it's his opinion.

I remember one of the first heart
transplants they did in South Africa.

The Jewish dentist. I was tellin'
him. No, this is another one.

Remember? They put the black
man's heart in the white body.

Now, you know those poor
blacks in South Africa...

Don't have their civil
rights the way we do up here.

Oh... oh...

You see, things are still
very segregated there.

So, can you imagine,
that poor white body...

Walkin' around with
that black heart?

I mean, the poor man wouldn't
even know what restroom to use.

I never thought of that.

Bunker? Mr. Archie bunker? Huh?

You're next. What do you mean me?
You got a lot of other people here.

Follow me, please.
Yeah, all right.

I'll be right with
you there, nurse.

Okay, you guys,
I'll see youse later.

Hey, Lionel. Come on.

You gave blood before
we got here, didn't you?

Sure. Why? Do you think
I sweep up around here?

Why did you go and
tell him that for?

You don't know what trouble you
start when you put him on like that.

Yeah, you're right, but I just
can't resist the temptation.

Hey, what are you doin'? I'm just
wiping your arm with a little alcohol.

Are you all right? Yeah,
yeah, yeah. I'm fine. I'm...

Sure, sure.

Like they say, i'm,
uh, fit as a fiddle.

And ready for blood. Huh?

Hey. Oh, boy, them needles are much
bigger than they used to be, ain't they?

Now make a tight fist.
Yeah, all right. There.

Just, uh, uh, kinda...

Tip me off every step
of the way, you know?

Like, uh, let me know when you're
about to put the needle in, huh?

It is in. It is in. Huh?

Oh, gee.

Gee, that wasn't
nothin', was it?

I'll bet you a lot of guys come
in here, they give you trouble.

They scream at the sight
of the needle and all that?

Yeah, there's a lot of
'em... lot of 'em that way.

'Course, those of us
that was in the service,

you know, w-we're
used to it, yeah.

Yeah, I was, uh, I was
in the army air corps...

Over in the war... the big war.

And I was over
there in foggia, Italy.

Jeez, it's nice
over there, Italy.

You wouldn't be one of
them senoritas, would ya?

Well, you could be. I mean, you know, with
the dark hair and the dark eyes and all.

Yeah, that was good
times over there in Italy...

Meeting some of them
Italian dames over there.

We met 'em through
their families, you know.

"Hey, Joe, you wanna
meet my sister?"

What's that?

Nothing. Just
take it easy. Jeez.

Made a hell of a noise there.

Let me know, uh, will ya, when
you're takin' the needle out.

It is out. Huh?

It is out. Already?

Yes. Now, sit here and hold
this piece of cotton. Yeah, sure.

Are you all right?
Yeah, right as rain.

You wanna stand
up? Yeah, sure, okay.

Tell 'em they can keep the
ambulance in the garage. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Yeah, there's no
sense in makin' a fuss...

About takin' a little
blood outta there, huh?

Is that mine? Not anymore.

Here you are, Archie.
Here's some juice.

They say it helps
restore the blood.

All right, leave it
there, Edith, huh?

I don't know why
you're so upset.

It's nothing to be ashamed about,
passin' out at the sight of blood.

Edith, I told you that ain't it.

My sister used to faint
at spiders in the bathroom.

Because they took too much
outta me. They overdone it.

They left me weak, that's all.
Look at these two arms now.

This one here is
thinner than that one.

You see that? Well...

What do you mean,
"well"? It's hard to say.

I don't see your arms
stretched out this way too often.

Well, I can see it,
even if you don't.

They took too much
outta this one here.

I was hardly able to
stagger home after it.

That's ridiculous, Archie. They don't
make mistakes like that nowadays.

- They know what they're doin'.
- They know what they're doin'.

But we don't know
what they're doin'.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- He never did trust doctors.

I think it's because
he don't like to pay 'em.

That ain't it at all!

Just I don't like it when they take
extra blood outta ya, that's all.

I don't like a lot
of things they do.

- Like what Mike and me
was talkin' about before.
- You mean transplants?

Yes, I do. Some doctors
are beginning to look at us...

As if we was all a
collection of spare parts.

Oh, now, daddy, don't
get paranoid about it.

Medicine is still dedicated
to keeping us alive.

All right, but not
against his will.

What does his will
got to do with it?

I ain't talkin' to you!
You're an atheist!

Oh, wait a second. We're talkin'
about modern medicine here.

We're talkin' about doctors
keepin' us alive. How did he get into it?

He was never out
of it, buddy boy.

Life and death is his business,

and you gotta go when he calls.

Unless modern medicine
saves you. It can't.

What do you mean? It
happens all the time.

That's when he
wasn't really callin'.

But when he really
calls, you gotta go.

And he don't want no
quack doctors down here...

Puttin' other hearts in ya to
keep you here against his will, is all.

Throws his schedule all off.

You throw his schedule
off, and you're gonna

have to answer for it
when you get up there.

Where? Heaven, wise guy.

You know damn well what
I was talkin' about. Heaven!

When you get up there, he's
gonna wanna know from you...

Why you didn't come
when you was called...

Why you was late.

You really believe that? I certainly
do! And I'll tell you somethin' else.

You're gonna have to answer up there to
the guy whose heart you took down here.

Or to her, if it was a her.

Just let me finish, huh?

'Cause that guy's gonna
want his heart back.

Now, you just imagine...
Just imagine yourself.

You're up there in heaven, and you
gotta give that heart back up there, right?

And now you gotta start
lookin' around for your old one.

Now, what do you
think you're gonna find?

You think these doctors
took care of it for you?

Oh, no. Not on your life.

They just threw it into a pail
with all the rest of the spare parts.

Like this. Your
heart's in a pail.

And you're up there in heaven
with a hole in your chest.

Your turn, daddy.

Oh, gee! Mm!

- Still hurts, huh, daddy?
- Yeah, I'll be all right
when the weather gets warmer.

Meantime, I'll
roll 'em lefty. Ah.

Hey, move for me,
will ya, Edith. Go ahead.

Oh, you got a chance. Yeah.
Well, all right, pick the card there.

Oh, Archie. Read
the card, Edith.

"Go to jail."

"Go directly to
jail. Do not pass..."

All right. You don't have
to read it all! Put me in there!

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ those were the days ♪♪

All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.